Sparkle & Dusk

Canterlot has a lot of nicknames; the Alley Capital, Second City, and Manehattan Done Right, but if I’m being honest, my favorite one is: ‘City by the Lake’.

The City of Canterlot borders the enormous Lake Canter, whose bitterly cold waters drink in the icy air and freeze every winter. That also means that it’s surprisingly temperate during the hot summers, which makes it a popular place to go camping for the populace who can take the time to do so.

“It’s chilly,” Sonata shivered as she stepped next to me, her hand slipping through mine to grasp it lightly. I returned the affectionate squeeze as I set my glasses back into place on my nose, they got fogged up easily out here.

I nodded my agreement.

We’d both dressed for the weather, but the cold of Lake Canter was a singular, elemental thing. I was wearing an ankle-length lavender winter coat that Sonata had bought me as a gift last month for starting therapy, and it was a twin to her own gray coat. I took a moment to admire how beautiful she was again; she had her hair down today, the long, two-tone locks covering her ears and giving her some relief from the cold. I had my hair tied back, I never liked letting it flow freely since it had this annoying habit of getting in my eyes.

“It’s better in the summer, honestly,” I smiled a little as I remembered those days, the few good times of my childhood that I could clearly recall. “My family used to camp along the banks every August before school got back in but I think once I got into college we all got too busy for it, and we haven’t done it in a long time.”

“Pretty sure ‘Dagi and Aria have had their fill of camping,” Sonata chuckled sheepishly. “We’ve spent a lot of nights under the stars, and not all of them were comfortable, y’know?”

“Makes sense,” I agreed with a laugh as Sonata sidled a little closer and leaned against me.

She was warm, and her presence relaxed me in a way I couldn’t really describe. I wasn’t the type of person who unwound easily, but ever since I found Sonata I found myself relaxing more often. The trouble with that, of course, is that all the tension and coiled up feelings I’ve kept restrained for the past decade-and-change with some real world-class repression all started boiling the surface the moment I began to get comfortable.

“No appointment today?” Sonata asked quietly, and I shook my head. “When’s your next one?”

“Tomorrow afternoon at one,” I replied, sighing as I turned to press a kiss to the top of her head. “Doctor Bright Eyes thinks I might be moving too fast with this thing I’m doing today…”

Sonata just hummed thoughtfully as she slid her arm around my waist and turned to brush her lips over my cheek before turning to rest her head in the hollow of my neck. It had ultimately been Sonata’s idea for me to start going to therapy for my anger issues and done a lot of the legwork finding me a good one.

During the short span of our relationship, I’d come to the disturbing conclusion that I was an extremely angry person. A large part of that stemmed from my childhood and the strain of expectation that was put on me, combined with the social isolation, and the emotional and mental abuse I suffered at Crystal Prep Academy.

None of that excuses me, though. One thing Doctor Bright Eyes drilled into my head during our sessions was that past trauma may be a reason for a behaviour, but it was most certainly not an excuse. We are each of us responsible for our actions and the harm it brings on others, and frankly, I was getting sick and tired of my snap temper coming out around Sonata.

The gentle Siren was so close to my heart that I couldn’t keep my guard up around her anymore. I couldn’t wall off my emotions like I used to, which meant when I got agitated it would come out as yelling or snappy, waspish behaviour that left my… my girlfriend hurting.

God, I could be such a bitch sometimes.

“Am I doing the right thing, ‘Nata?” I turned to look down over at her and she smiled encouragingly.

“I have no idea!” Sonata chirped, and I couldn’t help but chuckle weakly at her reply. “I don’t even know if there is a ‘right’ thing now… I made a real mess of this, huh?”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I hugged her tight and nuzzled against her long, soft hair. “It would have come out eventually, and probably been a lot worse.”

“Screaming yourself hoarse over Thanksgiving dinner?” Sonata suggested playfully, and I winced.

“Holidays have always been a little… tense,” I admitted, “I never really gave it much thought, but now it seems pretty obvious why I always hated our big holiday get-togethers.”

“Twi’, you know you don’t have to do this, right?” Sonata looked up at me with worry writ over her face. Another thing that endlessly charmed me about Sonata was how open she was. I never had to wonder with her. “I know I said you shouldn’t give up on your family, but I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I do have to do this, though,” I replied quietly. “Even if I don’t really know what ‘this’ is.”

Sonata pulled back, then stepped in to press her lips softly against mine. I let out a quiet hum of satisfaction as she molded against me, and I found my hands tracing daringly over her hips and waist, enjoying the comfortable softness of her gentle curves.

She was the most charming of the Siren sisters, certainly, although I might be a little biased in that regard. I’m sure Octavia would disagree with me in Adagio’s favor, although Sunset might not for her lover. God love her girlfriend, but Aria really isn’t the most approachable creature. I think she’s appealing in the same way that an angry, fluffy cat is: it’s so obnoxiously fighty that you want to pet it all the more.

In the months since we’d found ourselves together, I’d become more comfortable with physical contact. It was one thing to have the kind of platonic contact that my friends were constantly doling out, but entirely different when it was in a romantic context. Nevertheless, Sonata always felt comfortable to me. For all of my hangups and trust issues, Sonata Dusk would always be my ‘safe place’.

I never felt afraid when I was with her.

“I love you,” I whispered against her kiss, and she giggled lightly.

“I love you too, Twi’,” Sonata nestled against me again, our shared warmth a firm ward against the chill of the late winter months on the shores of Lake Canter.

For someone who has spent the majority of their life consumed by the pursuit of scientific knowledge, something about Sonata never failed to make me wax romantic.

A slight cough from some dozen feet away interrupted our moment, and a chill settled into my stomach that had nothing to do with the temperature.

I looked up from Sonata to spy a familiar face standing where the little footpath that led from the beach to the parking lot of the campsite terminated. She was beautiful as ever, with her perfectly coiffed head of pink hair, angelic smile, and sharp, intelligent eyes. She wore a fashionably short winter jacket, thermal leggings, which probably had more layers, and fluffy gloves, all of which were done up in complementary shades of pink.

Cadence, my sister-in-law, and one of the people against whom I’d nursed a silent grudge for a long time.

“Cadence,” I began cooly, stepping away from Sonata. “You’re early.”

“Less traffic than I expected,” she looked awkward and almost scared, which was alien to the Cadence I knew. “How, uhm… how’ve you been?”

“Good…” I swallowed hard as I took Sonata’s hand and squeezed it. “Better than I’ve ever been, actually.”

“O-Oh, that’s… good,” Cadence was maintaining a solid ten feet of distance, and somehow I still felt the distance manage to grow between us. “I’m really happy for you.”

I barely kept in my mounting sigh.

Cadence was many things, but anxious wasn’t usually among them. All my life she had been the confident, certain one. Especially where my brother and her were concerned; she was always the one who took the first step forward. I always admired her ability to move past obstacles like they weren’t there and just act.

I couldn’t see even a hint of that person right now. She was just so… scared.

“So uhm… it’s been a minute since we’ve come out here, huh?” Cadence tried to resuscitate the faltering conversation, and I tried not to grimace and instead meet her halfway.

“Almost six years,” I said quietly, turning away from her to look over the beach and the lake. “I wanted to talk here because I have a lot of good memories on this shore.”

“Me too,” Cadence’s reply was quiet, almost mournful, as she finally stepped forward and closed the distance between us, coming to stand beside Sonata and I to look out over the frigid water. “I suppose it’s only just now unfrozen, hm?”

“A few weeks ago, maybe,” I nodded as I turned to match her gaze over the lake. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? It’s so… still.”

“It’s quiet,” Cadence turned her head to regard me, “you always liked the quiet, didn’t you?”

“Would it be strange to say that I don’t know?” The question certainly sounded strange to me, and Cadence cocked her head a little at it.

“I can’t really remember what I liked and disliked as a kid,” I continued, my voice turning a little bitter. I thought about trying to hide it but I stopped myself before I could give in to the inclination. “Doctor Bright Eyes says it's probably because I spent so long trying to live up to something, or to fulfill a role,and that who I was as a kid got swallowed up in it. Now I can’t really say one way or the other who I even was growing up, or even as a teen, but… I do remember that I liked coming here.”

I turned to Cadence, and was surprised to see tears falling down her cheeks. She was biting her lip, keeping the sobs penned up inside her, but couldn’t stop the tears as she stared at me in grief-stricken pain.

“I’m sorry,” Cadence sobbed quietly, “I can’t… I didn’t know.”

I knew she wasn’t talking about my feelings as a kid. In her defense, Cadence wasn’t responsible for me like that, my mother and father were. Cadence was my babysitter, and she was a good one to my memory… even now I still cherish the memories of Cadence helped me make as a child, some of my few other bright spots in a childhood that became increasingly dour as the years passed.

So no, Cadence wasn’t talking about my childhood, she was talking about her more direct sins against me.

She was talking about Abacus Cinch.

“Didn’t you?” Sonata finally broke her silence, and Cadence let out a hiccuping noise that sounded like distilled panic to my ears. “You had CInch as a Principal for like, four years, right? And then you worked for her… so you had to know what she was like, right?”

I pulled Sonata a little closer, and despite the softness of her I could feel the hard tension in her body. She wasn’t letting it show, but she was angry. Sonata didn’t show her anger the way everyone else did, she just got really, really intense when she was mad about something which, in her defense, wasn’t very often. I’m not sure there’s a word for how Sonata emotes her anger, though, beyond ‘really intense’, but I do know that when Sonata is angry, she’s dangerous.

Physically and emotionally dangerous.

“You’re guilty,” Sonata muttered, and her voice had a hard edge to it. “You taste guilty, anyway…”

“That’s enough, ‘Nata,” I admonished her gently, and Sonata’s lips took on a hard line before she looked away from Cadence.

I couldn’t blame her, it was her nature. Sonata was a Siren and they were violently protective of their mates. To Sonata’s eyes, Cadence had hurt me badly, and right now I knew Sonata was fighting the ingrained instinct inside her to just beat Cadence senseless over it.

“No, she’s right,” Cadence said miserably. “I… I did know what Cinch was like, or maybe I was just being willfully ignorant of it.”

“Why?” I asked, and my voice felt tight in my throat. “If you knew what she was like then why?”

“Because I thought I was doing the right thing!” Cadence cried, her arms going around herself like she was trying to keep herself from flying apart. “I thought that Abacus could help you get what you wanted out of life! And… and I thought that it was just one day… just one day! You just had to deal with her for that day and then your whole future would be open to you!”

“All it meant was letting her use me for one day,” I repeated quietly, and Cadence flinched as if I’d struck her.

The worst day of my life.

The first day of my life.

The day Midnight Sparkle was born and died, and the day Twilight Sparkle came back to life. The day I made my first set of friends, the day Sunset Shimmer reached out for me, through the darkness, and made me feel like who I was in that moment was worthy of being helped and being befriended.

The day that Twilight Sparkle was ‘enough’.

“You threw me under the bus,” I said tersely, and Cadence curled inward like she’d had a knife planted in her ribs. “You knew she was a bad person, and you still let her get her hands on me because you thought she could help me be successful.”

“It was… no, you’re right,” Cadence hissed, and I could hear the fury behind her words. “You’re right, there’s no excuse for it… I didn’t give any thought to how abusive she was towards her students, I just thought, y’know, that it was just one day, right? Just the one day and then it would be over and you could go on to your dream role.”

“I would go on to being the lonely, angry, conceited shut-in I’d grown up to be,” the anger in my chest was familiar now, and it had taken me a month of therapy to even identify its source, even if I hadn’t come to terms with it yet.

Cadence sagged, and her whole body was shaking as she tried to look me in the eyes and failed, settling instead for turning to stare down at the rocky beach.

“I thought I was doing the right thing,” Cadence whispered tearfully. “I really did… I know that’s not an excuse, but I really, really thought I was doing the right thing.”

“So did pretty much everyone who ever ruined anyone else’s life,” Sonata replied tersely. “People don’t make decisions knowing they’re the wrong one, they make decisions because they think they’re right.”

“Cadence, I know I don’t have to tell you this, because you felt it when Sonata linked you, me, and mom, but…” I grimaced, the words sticking on the edge of my tongue. I needed to say them, I needed to be able to admit what I was feeling like Doctor Bright Eyes was always telling me to. “...I am so angry, all the time,” it felt as though I were biting the words out one by one, “I am just so angry and I don’t even know what I’m angry at or why, but I know that it’s… it’s your’s and mom’s fault.”

I turned to face her, pulling out of Sonata’s arms to square up in front of Cadence, planting my feet hard on the ground as the emotions swept through me, threatening to pull the ground out from under me.

“You should have protected me!” I snapped, “or at least you shouldn’t have just… just fed me to that witch!”

Cadence withstood every one of my accusatory blows in a miserable fashion, crying, red-eyed, and flinching at every other word. She did endure them, though, probably because she knew she deserved them.

“You pushed me right into her arms and let her turn me into a monster!” I sobbed, and my hand went to the geode around my neck instinctively. It was the symbol of my salvation, of the bond, however battered, that I shared with my friends. “I was just a kid! I didn’t know any better! But you did! You stood aside while she blackmailed me! And you stood aside while she used me! I trusted you! HOW DARE YOU!”

I was crying now too, hot tears of pent up rage and grief spilling out across my cheeks as I laid into my former babysitter. All this time I’d had these feelings walled up inside my heart, scraping at the bricks like Fortunato as I sealed them up over and over and over again.

Every time some of those toxic feelings would leak out I would lay another brick. Every time I snapped, every time I lashed out, and every time I lost control, I would lay another brick, and in doing so I sealed the poison up inside my chest.

For the love of God.

Yes, for the love of God.

I couldn’t keep it going, though. Unlike that story, I couldn’t just seal up my trauma and anger and sorrow behind masonry and let it rot. Unlike Montresor I still had to deal with the people who had hurt me because they were people that I loved and who loved me. They had no idea what they’d done although Cadence, I’m sure, had an inkling even before we were linked and she got the full monty of my resentment.

The stillness of the lake echoed with my fury until it was spent, and I was left gasping for breath and shaking in the cold air, my tears turning frigid on my face as Cadence sobbed on her knees where she’d sunk halfway through my tirade.

For a time, there was nothing but the small, empty sounds of sorrow filling the air around us until-

“Why did you never apologise?”

Cadence and I both looked up at Sonata who had advanced to stand at my side, with her hands shoved into the pockets of her gray winter coat, and her berry-colored eyes hard and glinting like bloody shards of glass.

“All this time,” she continued quietly, “all these years, and you never apologised, right? Why?”

Cadence was silent for several long moments before saying, “because I was ashamed.”

She hung her head, apparently unwilling to look either of us in the eyes.

“I knew that what I’d done had hurt Twilight, but I had hoped…” Cadence grimaced and sighed, “I had hoped that she would be happy with her friends and that, in the end, meant that it had all turned out for the best.” She made a small scoffing sound and shook her head. “But really it was just me being a coward… I was so, so ashamed of what I’d done that I didn’t want to think about it, and I think I just convinced myself that it had all blown over, a notion that had been sturdy until last Christmas.”

“I guess neither of us wanted to think about it,” my voice was raw as I reached out to link my arm with Sonata’s and pull myself close to her. I needed the comfort of her presence more than anything right then.

“I know I don’t deserve to say it now, after it’s been so long,” Cadence began quietly, “but… I’m sorry, for everything, Ladybug, I am so sorry. I only ever wanted… eugh, it doesn’t matter what I wanted, I hurt you, Twily, and I am so goddamn sorry.”

“Y’know what the worst part is?” I said after a moment of silence, and Cadence looked up at me with a wretched expression. “The worst part is that if you’d succeeded, if the competition had been normal and magic free like everyone expected, then I’d have ended up more miserable than I can even fathom right now.” I turned to looked at Sonata, feeling an indescribable ache in my heart as I imagined never having met her. “I would have gotten into that private research study, and probably stayed there, miserable, angry, and alone, and I wouldn’t have made any friends, and I’d never have met the… the best part of my life.”

Sonata’s smile was as sorrowful as it was radiant, and she leaned in to kiss me briefly, a gentle meeting of lips brushing against one another.

“I know you didn’t mean it, but…” I sighed and held out a hand for Cadence to take, and she stared at it like it was a venomous serpent for a second before accepting it and letting me pull her to her feet. “But who I am today is happy despite you, not because of you, and I really wish it were the other way around.”

“Me too,” Cadence replied weakly, “and honestly you deserved that apology long before now, seven years ago, in fact.”

She quietly brushed the pebbles and grit from her legs and sighed despondently before shaking her head and giving me a sad smile.

“But you are happy, right?” Cadence asked.

“More than I can ever remember being,” I laid my head against Sonata’s, and she turned to press a kiss to my cheek, and I could feel the small smile of her lips. “Sonata keeps me together right now, she’s patient with me, and she calls me out when I… when I go back to bad habits, and she’s the reason I’m in therapy now, too.”

Cadence was smiling more widely now and she turned to Sonata, regarding her silently for a moment taking a deep breath, pinning her arms to her sides, and bowing deeply to the young, former-immortal.

“Thank you,” Cadence sobbed, her long hair obscuring her face as she held the bow for several long moments. “Thank you for being there for her when I wasn’t, and thank you for making her happy. I love Twilight like a sister, or a daughter, and… just, thank you.”

Then she straightened, wiped at her eyes with her gloved hands, and took a deep, calming breath, putting a hand to her chest, and then extending it outward. I chuckled a little, remembering how she’d taught me to do that every time I got stressed out to the point that my anxiety and panic attacks kicked it. That little trick of centering myself had kept my sane and stable through more than a few panic attacks.

“I’m sorry it ended up like this, Ladybug,” Cadence said in a raw voice. “I wish I’d done a better job, but at the very least I’m happy that you’re happy… it’s all I ever wanted.”

Cadence gave the pair of us another look, smiled, then turned to walk away.

“Twi’, are you okay?” Sonata asked gently, keeping her voice low as Cadence made it to the footpath.

Was I okay? Was that what I’d wanted? To vent and shout and finally tell Cadence all of the things that I’d been keeping walled up inside my heart for better than half a decade?

Yes, was the short answer, but the long answer was no, although I couldn’t properly account for why that was. I felt empty, still, like I’d pulled something out and hadn’t yet put it back in. My chest felt hollow and-

“Wait!”

I pulled away from Sonata and ran after Cadence, reaching her just as she got to the edge of the small copse of trees separating the parking lot from the beach.

Cadence looked up at me as I reached her, surprise clear on her face as I stopped, panting, in front of her.

“What is it?” Cadence looked at me almost fearfully, and maybe a little hopefully.

“I know don’t have to forgive you,” I panted, cursing myself for my lack of fitness and resolving to accept Sunset’s offer to join her and Aria in the Lounge’s new gym facilities at some point soon, “and I know you don’t really deserve it after ghosting me on that apology for seven years,” Cadence winced, but nodded, “but… but I…”

I stood up straight and looked her in the eye, wiping at my cheeks and nose which were turning red and raw from the dry cold.

Then I reached out, took both of Cadence’s wrists, and pulled her hands from her pockets until her arms were extended all the way. I took a small step back, not letting go of her until the last moment when I released my grasp, then pressed my hands to hers, palm-to-palm.

“Sunshine… sunshine…” I started tentatively, tapping my hands to hers in rhythm, and I saw tears start to fall anew down her cheeks as Cadence sobbed out the next line.

“...Ladybugs awake.”

“Clap your hands and do a little shake!” We finished the rhyme in unison, just like we always used to, and that broke the wall.

Cadence let out a shattered cry as she lunged forward and pulled me into her arms, and suddenly I was crying harder than I could remember in a long time. I hugged her tight, burying my face against her chest as she rested her cheek on my head, and I could feel the wet droplets of her tears falling freely.

For several moments, I think that we were the only things holding each other up.

I didn’t have to forgive her, and lord knows she didn’t deserve it, but I hadn’t deserved it either and I knew the moment I saw her walking away from me that I still wanted her in my life. Cadence was such an important part of who I was, even if she wasn’t the best person in the world, even if she’d made mistakes and hurt me, she had also been one of the few people who had treated me like a real person growing up. She had played silly games with me, and helped me with my panic attacks when even my mom and dad were stumped. She had read me stories in bed when I was a little girl, and played dress-up with me, and done all the things no one else would do with the ‘uncommonly serious’ Twilight Sparkle.

All my life, Cadence had tried her hardest to treat me right, and maybe she didn’t succeed all the time, but… but she tried.

“So uhm, d-does this mean-?” Cadence began hopefully, and I nodded.

“Yeah, I forgive you,” I hugged her tight again and Cadence let out another happy sob as she hugged me back.

“Thank you,” Cadence cried quietly into my hair, “thank you, thank you, thank you…”

“I love you, Cady,” I said the words quietly as I relaxed in her embrace, feeling like a child again, briefly, as she rocked me back and forth.

“I love you too, Ladybug,” she replied fondly.

We rested that way for a good several minutes before I finally sighed and pulled away, turning to look back at Sonata who was smiling happily at me. Her grin was practically ear-to-ear as she moved up the path to stop by my side, and held out a hand to Cadence.

“Friends?” Sonata chirped quizzically, and Cadence chuckled, nodded, and took the proffered hand.

“That sounds nice, actually,” Cadence replied, “and since I’m trying to build the habit of apologising at the right times, I am so sorry for how I acted at Christmas, that was incredibly rude of me.”

“It was,” Sonata agreed with a simple nod, and I snorted out a laugh at her blunt admission, “but that’s okay, so long as you apologise and know it’s wrong… there’s a lot of really good people where I work, and they don’t deserve to be looked down on.”

“I know, I know,” Cadence massaged her temples and sighed. “It’s just the whole ‘strip club’ thing, and I know that’s really shallow and bitchy of me, and I promise I’ll get better about it, alright?”

“Mm… okay!” Sonata smiled again, that odd, not-quite-human smile that I’d come to associate with her more unearthly thought processes. “You should come have a drink at the bar sometime, the first one’s on me!”

“You should,” I added, smiling as I remembered her little trick with her drinks, “her drinks are kind of magical.”

“L-Literally, or…” Cadence looked a little uncertain, but I didn’t reply, I just shared a smile with Sonata, then turned back to Cadence and shrugged.

“Okay… fine, I deserved that,” Cadence laughed quietly, then her face turned stern. “But I’m not bringing your brother to a str-... a Lounge, alright? This isn’t a knock against anyone who works there, but you know your brother, Twily.”

“His eyes would be rolling out of his skull as he tried not to look at any of the dancers,” I chuckled and nodded. “And he’d be beating himself up for days if he saw so much as a stray nipple.”

“Exactly, and I do not want to deal with all the apologies,” Cadence shook her head and sighed. “Seriously, every time Shiny thinks he’s done something wrong he goes full-blown madcap trying to make it up to me.”

“Well to be fair you’re well out of his strike zone, Cady, and he knows it,” I pointed out, then added, “I should know, we Sparkles have a habit of that.”

I nodded at Sonata who gave me a wry look.

“So uh, not to put too fine a point on it, but…” Cadence shuffled awkwardly, then took another breath. Hand in, then out. “What about your uh…”

“Ugh, I don’t have the spell slots for that today,” I grumbled, “working this out with you was hard enough, alright? And that was just from one extremely bad day. I’m gonna need a lot more therapy before I try to unpack the years of inferiority and inadequacy issues my mom gave me.”

“She does…” Cadence paused, then shook her head. “Oh, what am I saying, you know how she feels.”

“I know,” I stepped in next to Sonata and hugged her close, taking a deep breath of her sunny scent and smiling. “And she knows how I feel, and that’s… that’s not something that will go away anytime soon.”

“I hope it works out, okay?” Cadence put a hand on my shoulder, and I nodded. “You and Sonata should come have dinner at mine and Shiny’s place.”

We parted ways far more amicably than I had expected when I came out to the shores of the lake. I hadn’t really been sure what to expect when I came out here, actually. I had thought there would be some yelling and crying, which there was, but beyond that, I’d just hoped to find whatever I’d been missing.

And I had.

“It’s starting to warm up a little,” Sonata said, taking a breath as she looked up at the sky. Sure enough, the hour was getting later and the sun was starting to break through the clouds. I wagered it must have been close to noon. “How do you feel?”

“Better, and lighter,” I admitted, then sighed, “and tired.”

“No kidding,” Sonata turned to me, pulled off her gloves, and pressed her warm hands to my cheeks, “but I’m proud of you, Twi’.”

I sniffled and nodded again. “I’m proud of me, too.”

“What do you want to do when we get home? Movie night?”

I thought about it for a moment before shaking my head and smiling. “Actually, I think I could use a drink.”

Sonata matched my smile with one of hers, kissed softly on the cheek, and hugged me tight.

“I have the perfect one in mind.”