With extreme care and precision, Sunset carefully pressed the last gemstone in its simple setting to the enchanted leather cover of the book, her brow pinched in concentration. There was some humor in the fact that the three gems: two sizable, pale sapphires and one larger bluish diamond, were worth a fortune to the humans, and here she was, casually using thousands of dollars in what was a glorified arts and crafts project. She probably wouldn’t mention that part to Rarity when she presented her with the personalized journal as a Christmas gift, if for no other reason than her desire to retain her hearing. It was among the last gifts she had to prepare for her friends, and she hoped that they would be happy with her choices.

The blank book was for Rarity, a thick, expensive looking, well made Equestrian tome with creamy, blank pages that Sunset thought she could use either as a diary or, more likely, as a place to put her design ideas and inspirational sketches. A second, smaller ‘book’ of laminated pages held as many recipes for Equestrian desserts that were the palatable and non-toxic to humans as Sunset could come up with—Pinkie, she reasoned, would love the chance to experiment and try new sweets. For Rainbow, she’d tracked down the husk of a racing bike, with the intent to offer assistance in restoring it to prime condition, just as she had done with hers. Applejack had been difficult to shop for, with her disdain for fancy and extravagant gifts. In the end, in addition to an extremely practical present of well made, durable, top rated work boots that would replace the battered hand-me-down ones that had belonged to her brother, Sunset had a collection of labeled paper packets courtesy of Princess Twilight and the Apples of Equestria, containing seeds for half a dozen different varieties of Equestrian apple trees that she was fairly certain the human world lacked. As for Fluttershy, her gift towards the girl she had been the most relentless towards during her years of being a bully was the least tangible. She intended to offer her time, money, and assistance towards a project of Fluttershy’s choice.

Finishing her friends’ gifts so rapidly had left her with plenty of time to put the finishing touches on the gifts for Twilight and her family. Most of their presents had been finished and wrapped, except for the project she was working on for Cadence...though she mulled over her gifts to Twilight. The items she had gotten for her girlfriend were safe enough to be opened in front of the rest of the family, the kind of thing she could give her best friend...

Sunset grimaced; that bothered her way more than it should. Some part of her wanted to give Twilight something special...and that in turn dredged up the twisted tangle of thoughts that had been plaguing her all weekend. “...Sparky,” she murmured, dropping her head into her hands. “What do I do?”

Her head was an absolute mess, filled with so many thoughts and so little in the way of how to handle them effectively. Talking with Cadence and Rarity had helped clear up some of her...misperceptions and confusion about human sexuality and relationships, but none of that really helped the unicorn-turned-girl come to any kind of decision about her relationship with Twilight. It wasn’t even fully about sex, at least not directly, despite the impression she had given her girlfriend and Cadence. It was about what the possibility of that level of intimacy represented, of what going further meant to her and her future.

For months, she’d lived as an exile, banished by a Princess to the human world as a consequence of the many crimes she’d committed in taking the Crown of Magic. It was with the belief that her exile was to be a long sentence, possibly for the rest of her life, that she’d started to turn her life around, because as she’d told her Vice Principal, if she had to spend the next fifty years among humans, then she should at least strive not to be miserable. Yet...somewhere deep in her heart and soul, Sunset Shimmer had held out a desire and a hope that someday, before the end of her days, that she would see the world of her birth again, feel the crisp, clean air in her lungs and on her fur, be in the body that felt right instead of this awkward, ugly and ungainly form. She ached for the chance to use her magic freely again, such an intrinsic and fundamental part of her very soul, tied in a way she knew without being told to the blazing sun that belonged on her flank. No matter how much of a life she made in the human world, that hope meant it still wasn’t home.

Her feelings for Twilight threatened to change all of that, and it scared her. If she was invested enough in her best friend and girlfriend to cross that line into the deepest levels of physical intimacy—and she did want to, more than she ever thought she’d ever want to with any being in existence—then this...thing...that had grown between them was more than just the shallow flings she had mocked to Rarity. For her, it meant she was willing to be with Twilight for a long time...and choosing Twilight Sparkle, human girl, meant giving up on Equestria.

Her mind balked initially at the realization, scrambling for alternatives, but in the end, nothing she could come up with would have worked for her to have a serious relationship with Twilight and go home to Equestria. She couldn’t take the human girl with her, since there was already a Twilight Sparkle in Equestria, and she wasn’t exactly a nopony. She was a princess, and a bearer of one of the Elements—her face and cutie mark had likely been plastered on newspapers, magazines, and broadsheets from one end of the kingdom to the other, so no matter where she went, someone would recognize the human-turned-mare for who she was. And that was even assuming Twilight was willing to give up her own world for Equestria.

Sunset would have to make a choice, and it was one where no matter what she chose, she would lose something.

The redhead leaned back in her desk chair, rubbing her face. She didn’t know if she was even willing to make this world her home, instead of just the place she had no choice but to live. Could she even be happy here, truly happy? Cut off from magic, in an alien body, forever damned to be a stranger in a strange land, would her relationship with Twilight, her growing friendships with the girls, and the little bits of intermittent magic be enough to sustain her, to make her feel complete and alive? Or would she find herself eaten alive again by that soul deep hunger for something beyond her grasp, the hunger that had driven her to madness and mayhem in the past, the consuming want that culminated in her transformation into the demon that still haunted her nightmares? If she chose Twilight, would she come to resent her in a few years, even though the nerdy girl had no idea the weight of the choice Sunset was dealing with at this exact moment?

Which was the other sore point for all of this: the omission that hung heavy between them. Sunset was still not ready to come clean about her origins to Twilight. She trusted her girlfriend more than she’d trusted anyone in a very long time, but she just wasn’t ready yet to risk everything—their friendship, their relationship, the connection she’d forged with the rest of the family—by informing Twilight that she was a magical talking unicorn from another world who’d been exiled after turning into a she-demon in her quest for power and control.

“Because that little nugget would send anyone running for the hills in this world,” she groused to herself, pushing away from her desk to go scrounge for food in her cupboards. “She’s a scientist, logical and rational. In this world, magic is anything but...”

The words met only silence, the nagging internal voice she’d grown used to still absent. Sunset scraped together a few veggies that had seen better days and some rice noodles into a passable stir-fry while her thoughts continued unabated. It unnerved her, in a way, especially because she couldn’t manage to figure out what Stupid Little Voice would say to her—it was a part of her subconscious, after all, so her inability to actively fill its role made no sense.

It didn’t stop her from filling the air with her own voice, in hopes of getting a snarky reply. “Even if Twilight did believe me...would she even still want me when she finds out I’m not human?” Sunset’s chest ached at the thought of Twilight looking at her in disgust. “It’s not like in Equestria—humans are the only sentient species here, and this world’s horses are animals.” She snorted. “Great job, Shimmer. Maybe you should’ve told her already, before it got this far.”

Twilight desired her—the former unicorn knew that much, not just from some slips in their recent conversations, but also from some sense she couldn’t define that existed as a hyper-awareness of everything “Sparky.” Even now, Sunset could see the way purple eyes had looked at her, pupils blown wide as they kissed the other night, feel the way the smaller body had arched into hers, the sounds that had escaped from the human girl’s throat when Sunset had—

The redheaded teen sucked in a sharp breath, nearly dropping her dinner. A sharp surge of want and desire originated at her center and went all the way to the top of her head and tips of her toes, leaving her flushed, hot, tingling, Twilight’s name halfway to her lips. Her body throbbed...ached...burned for the dark haired girl’s touch, her mind happy to supply graphic images of bare lavender skin beneath her while Sunset made her writhe in ecstasy.

The bowl hit the coffee table hard as Sunset sank into the couch, unprepared for just how powerful and overwhelming the feelings were. It tingled like her magic did right before a surge, energy and fire under her skin that converged on her skull and concentrated in her nethers, and it left her panting and trembling, and worst of all? Sunset wanted more, this pleasure that set her nerves aflame, fixated on the only person (or pony) that had ever made her feel this way.

Fingers dug into the throw pillow on the couch, gripping white-knuckle tight, her eyes squinted shut as she panted, trying to gain some control and push the thoughts and images away. It was harder than she thought it would be, and she felt weak and nauseous afterward, sprawled bonelessly on her couch. “Tartarus take me,” she managed, staring at her ceiling without really seeing it. Who would have thought that something was actually worse than human menses? If this was normal, no wonder humans were so focused on sex.

Sunset rubbed her face with a shaking hand. She had no desire to be a slave to adolescent human hormones, and she definitely didn’t want those hormones influencing her decision. “You don’t exactly have the best record with temptation, Shimmer,” she mumbled, feeling her stomach lurch as she reached for her bowl of stir fry. “...and buck me if this isn’t the worst temptation in history...”

Eating was mechanical at that point—she barely tasted any of it, and she couldn’t even finish half of her meal before the nausea returned and she had to stop. “I can’t,” she argued with herself bitterly, trying in vain to drown out the whispers of desire that still ghosted through her mind. “How can I consider it if I’m not willing to tell her the truth about my life, about who and what I am? That’s not a little thing—it’s not an embarrassing foalhood story or bad haircut!”

Sunset knew she was deeply attached to her girlfriend, and that their relationship was the most important one in her life. Rarity’s words about love and romance had described almost perfectly the way she felt about Twilight and just how much she meant to Sunset....and those emotions were what made making up her mind so difficult. Ponies may not have had the “hang-ups” about who a pony was with that humans did, but they also weren’t as casual as humans were with sexual intimacy. As much as the redhead’s body was screaming for sex, her mind and heart balked—that kind of closeness was a sign of trust, affection, and deep emotional attachment on the part of those involved, and how could she say there was true trust between them with the lie of omission hanging over her head and the doubts in her chest eating away at her?

Shaking herself, the former unicorn gave up on trying to eat and dragged herself towards the bathroom, in desperate need of a shower to warm up and to feel clean again. Stripping down and adding her clothes to the pile she needed to wash, she paused to observe her own figure in the mirror with a sort of detached curiosity. The amber-skinned biped who looked back at her she had long come to grips with being her reflection, but even now the figure was weird and ungainly to her perception, with curves and lines that stood out far more than any muscle. She was aware that by human standards, the body that the portal had granted her was attractive to other members of its species—very attractive, given the way the boys used to stare at her in the halls—but to Sunset, it looked as awkward as every other human she had ever encountered...save one.

Heat pooled in her core again as her thoughts returned to Twilight, unconsciously comparing her own frame to what she knew about the nerdy bookworm’s body under the school uniforms, pajamas, and weekend casual wear. Fingers gripped the sink as she clamped down on the reaction swifter this time, trying to shove it away before she was left a panting mess once more. “How do humans deal with this?” Sunset questioned her reflection, taking in the flush on her skin and the way her eyes had dilated. Her own voice sounded strange to her ears, and she practically dove into the hot spray to distract her from how badly it unnerved her.

For a long time, Sunset just let the near scalding water cascade over her head and shoulders, the heat and steam and white noise drowning out all thought and numbing her to any sensation. It was a welcome respite from the chaos of her mind, and she went so far as to indulge in some of the deep, calming meditation exercises that Princess Celestia had taught her as a filly in an attempt to help her curb both her temper and her wild magic surges. As silly as she might have felt had anyone seen her sitting on the floor of her shower, it helped and she felt much more relaxed by the time the hot water started to run out.

The push-pull of conflicting feelings had been getting to her, and the former unicorn took the moment of clear-headedness to figure out her current position. The truth of it was that Sunset wasn’t ready to give a firm answer to whether or not she was willing to delve into sexual intimacy with Twilight, and she could say that now without a doubt. “But...I don’t want to lose her...lose us,” she lamented, washing the last of the shampoo from her hair as the water turned cool. “I...Sun and stars...There has to be some sort of compromise I can live with!”

Author's Note

Gotta love deep seeded cultural clashes. Poor Sunset has some deep thoughts here, ones not easily resolved or dealt with.

I've actually got a bit of a rambly blog planned for "Pony Socialization and Culture," particularly delving into extrapolation of their view on love, romance, and intimacy. I'm mostly waiting on a particular chapter to go up before I post that....

In the meantime, I can note that it's a large, complex subject that is actually at the heart of the story's origins. Despite the somewhat hilarious and crude joke that started it off while stuck in traffic on the way to the beach, the real discussion that led to Rubicon itself was looking at how what little tidbits the show provides frames pony society and culture, and how those things all fit together to flesh out a realistic people with their own history, social conventions, taboos, and cultural norms, and how that would affect Sunset who is living life as a human.

Its a discussion that has, at this point, spanned days or even weeks worth of hours with my spouse and my editor/beta-reader, and been scrutinized from all manner of angles. Ultimately, its a subject I'm enjoying sprinkling into the story, and that i look forward to writing a long winded post about. Especially since I know a number of you have repeatedly stated that the whole Sunset psychology and disconnect of living as a human is one of your favorite parts to the tale. :}