Cross the Rubicon: Choices

Thirty minutes later, Sunset pulled into the driveway of Twilight’s house, parking off to the side so she wouldn’t be in the way of anyone’s car. When the engine cut out, she nudged the girl behind her. “So. Did you enjoy yourself?”

Releasing the redhead, Twilight pulled the helmet off, beaming. “I did. I’ve always wanted to try riding on one, but I never had an opportunity.” She slid off the bike and adjusted her backpack. “Come inside. Dinner should be ready, and I’ll introduce you to my mom.” There was a pause, and she leaned closer. “I…didn’t tell them about the guys the other night. I didn’t want to worry them. They think we met while I was stargazing.”

That made Sunset frown, but she nodded, retrieving her small bag of overnight things from the bike’s storage, before following the shorter teen to the front door.

Excited panting and a few barks met her boots as she stepped into the warm house, a purple and green puppy trying to size her up and make clear it was his house. Lavender hands scooped up the dog. “Spike! Be nice to Sunset! She's a friend!”

The dog stared at Sunset, fur bristling in warning. Something about the redhead in the leather jacket was agitating him, and Sunset considered the situation for a minute. Could the puppy sense what she had become? Did it somehow know she had threatened its counterpart? It wasn’t that far-fetched an idea—even in Equestria, dogs were known to be sensitive to dark magic energies—and she felt another wave of shame wash over her. “It's okay, Twilight,” she murmured. “Your dog has better sense than you.”

Twilight gave her a long look. “He just doesn’t see what I see,” she answered firmly. “Take your shoes off and make yourself at home. I’m going to let him out and feed him.” She disappeared into another room down the hall, and Sunset could hear a murmur of voices.

She took the chance to shed her boots and tuck them with the other shoes lined up out of the way near the front door, her eyes studying the home. She was in a front entrance hall, stairs to her right leading up to the second floor, and several open exits to other rooms. Pictures adorned the walls every where she looked, photos of what were likely family and friends. Twilight was pictured in many of them, in ages from an adorable toddler to some that looked like they were taken in the last few months. The floors in the home were a mix of dark woods and soft looking carpets, the walls painted with colors that helped a person relax. It was…warm, in the same way Twilight was, and extremely welcoming. Under the smells of cooking food, her nose caught the odor of old paper that permeated libraries every where, and briefly, pain rose with the memory of someplace that had felt and smelled like this, a lifetime ago; of aged hardwood floors, a crackling fireplace, of dinner and dessert amidst stories told from ancient tomes. Shaking herself, the former unicorn managed to regain her composure by the time Twilight returned to lead her to the kitchen.

“Mom? This is my friend, Sunset Shimmer. Sunset, this is my mom, Twilight Velvet.” Parents. Adults. Okay, Sunset, you can put on a good face and fool adults.

The older woman didn't even hesitate. It was like Sunset’s entire countenance didn't matter at all—she ignored the battered leather jacket, the wind tossed mane of hair, even somewhat frayed bottoms of her jeans, enveloping the startled girl in a warm hug. “It's wonderful to meet you Sunset! I hope you're hungry—there’s plenty of food and I wont see anyone at my table go away with less than a full stomach.” Velvet pulled away after a minute. “Twily mentioned you're mostly pescatarian, so I made a small separate lasagna without the meat.”

“I…uh…thank you…” she stammered, surprised and shocked at how much this woman was willing to welcome and accommodate a stranger. “I…I wasn’t expecting…” She paused, then tried again. “You’re being so nice to me…why?”

Velvet gave her shoulder a brief squeeze with one hand. “You’re Twilight’s friend, Sunset. We want you to feel at home here.” Her next words held no judgments, but it made her wonder what exactly Twilight had told her parents. “Especially if that isn’t always the case in other places in your life.” The woman let that sink in for a moment. “Go wash up, girls. Dinner is ready and Night should be home any minute.”

Dinner was nothing like what Sunset expected. Her own memories of private dinners with the Princess were dulled by time, and they had proven to be rare occurrences once she was old enough to be by herself—the Princess of the Sun had a country to run and her free time had been a commodity in short supply. Most of the ones she could recall had often focused around her studies, be they academic or thaumaturgical, or, in later years, with Princess Celestia encouraging her to make friends instead of burying herself in magical learning. Twilight Velvet and Night Light, on the other hand, sought to get to know her, inquiring after her interests and hobbies, even engaging in the subjects to the best of their abilities—it turned out she and Velvet shared an interest in several literary series, and she got into a three way conversation with both Twilight Sparkle and Night Light about the mathematics behind the theories of spatial manipulation for the instant transmission of objects across a distance. Once the ice was broken, both adults treated her like she’d been coming over for years to join them for dinner. At the same time, they didn’t ask awkward questions, they didn’t make her feel strange for her dietary choices…they talked about their days, and when she seemed unforthcoming on a particular subject, they let it go without prying into why it was off-limits.

By the time she and Twilight were done helping with clean up, that strange happiness and warmth she felt with the dark haired girl had extended to the house and included both Twilight Velvet and Night Light, and she knew more than ever that she wanted to keep this new part of her life away from the rest of it. Away from the five girls she was supposed to meet tomorrow, away from the principals watching her every move, and definitely away from the student body who was enjoying a daily defacing of her locker. This house and the people in it were quickly becoming important to her, and the thought of losing any of it made her nauseous.

The two girls retreated upstairs, swapping day clothes for comfortable pajamas, and Sunset got her first look at Twilight’s room. It was a large space, with a good size bed along the center of one wall, the rest of the wall space packed with standard furniture plus a desk and then filled with bookshelves. There was a doggy basket on the floor for Spike, which the puppy claimed with a long look at Sunset. The desk held a computer, papers, but also bits of electronic equipment in various stages of disassembly. A telescope leaned against a bookshelf, collapsed for transport, and the books were stacked two deep on the shelves.

She dropped her bag next to the nightstand. “Nice room. Glad I’m not the only one to economize space in a bookcase like that.”

Twilight made a face. “It’s the only way to make them all fit. There’s no room for anymore bookcases and my parents said that if they don’t fit on the shelves I have to…weed my collection.” The expression on her face was one of abject horror.

A snicker escaped the former unicorn. “You’re such a nerd.”

“I am not! I’m a serious bibliophile, thank you very much. Getting rid of a perfectly good book is akin to sacrilege.” Twilight sprawled on her bed, leaning back against the pillows on one side. One hand patted the other pillows, an invitation for Sunset to relax with her.

She sank into the soft mattress and rested her head on the pillows with a sigh of contentment. “Oh, stars…this bed is ten times better than mine. I need a new mattress.” She stretched herself, hearing several joints pop as they realigned themselves.

“Maybe the mattress is part of the reason you’re not sleeping well?” Twilight suggested hopefully.

Mention of her sleeping difficulties made Sunset frown. “No…it’s nightmares. Full color, horrific, terrible nightmares.” One hand ran through her hair.

Twilight scooted so she was sitting up, leaning against her pillows and the headboard. “What happens in them? Is it the same nightmare, or different ones?”

Sunset chewed her lip, wondering how much she could get away with telling her. After a minute, she decided to be a little more open—dream logic didn't always mesh with reality, and it was reasonable to believe Twilight would take her descriptions as more metaphorical than they really were. So with a shaking breath and trembling body, she told her as much of the truth as she could. About the hellish versions of the familiar landscapes, of fire and blood, about the dreams making her relive her worst moments with perfect clarity—she didn’t spare details, only removed any references to magic or to Equestria. She told Twilight about her crimes: about all the times she drove Fluttershy into a weeping ball on the floor of the hall, about the blackmail, about the smear campaigns, about what she’d done to Rarity and other girls like her before the big dances, about sabotaging other students academically and socially, about dividing the school into manageable cliques and using manipulative tactics to keep it that way, about the few but memorable fights she’d been in, about turning a group of friends into veritable strangers, sparing herself nothing. She even touched on the arguments with the Princess, though she hedged those as “arguments with her legal guardian that culminated in her running away.” She talked about seeing the memories in the mirror, and of herself as a twisted, rage filled she-demon in the silvered glass between visions. Of the voice that repeated over and over how she was a monster of her own making, that she would never be free from what she had done. Nothing was left out, and by the end of it, she was a sniveling, crying mess, waiting for Twilight to recoil from her, locking blue-green eyes on the other girl.

“I’m a monster and it's all my fault and it hurts and I hate it, hate myself...but there’s a part of me that liked being that way! I loved the power and the rush, the way no one could get to me! I was invincible, untouchable, the best, and I felt like I deserved it…now I realize I don’t deserve anything good.”

Twilight Sparkle was frowning, and Sunset cringed, self loathing and her shredded mess of a soul believing that she’d succeeded in driving the other teen off. After several minutes of increasingly tense silence, Twilight spoke a question that caught the pony-turned-person by surprise.

“What made you start doing all of that in the first place?”

It was a question she’d never really thought about before, and it stumped her for a while, until she remembered that first fight, her first year at Celestia’s School. “I…I guess…it started when I started school. I was really smart and excelled in my studies, largely because my…legal guardian…had been teaching me and encouraging my education from the moment I could talk. Some of the boys at the school—it was a private school not dissimilar from yours, with a mix of those talented enough to get in and the offspring of the wealthy and privileged—some of the children there were teasing me. Telling me I was just a charity case that the school felt bad for, because not even my own parents wanted me.” The old pain tore into her heart. “I got so angry; I’d worked hard to prove I was good enough to go, and I was doing everything I could to be the best I could be. I was at the top of my class and more advanced than some students much older…but to them all that mattered was that I wasn’t born to parents with affluence and influence. I wasn’t ‘Sunset Shimmer, brilliant student….’ No. I was ‘Sunset Shimmer, the orphan no one ever wanted.’” Tears of a different kind made tracks down her cheeks now, and Twilight pressed a box of tissues into her hands. “I had no family, and it was funny to them!” She blew her nose loudly, anger rising in her voice. “I got so upset and mad that I…snapped. I can’t tell you how the fight went because I just remember that in that moment, I hated them more than anything, and I wanted them to pay for what they said. I bloodied all of them up badly—broke the ringleader’s arm in six places with a decorative statue.”

“When it was all over? I got lectured and in a huge amount of trouble. They didn’t get punished at all by their parents. At that point I just…I guess I didn’t see the point in being nice, in associating with others. I focused on my studying and started finding other ways to get even with anyone who messed with me. Ways that couldn’t be traced to me, things I couldn’t get in trouble for.”

She found an arm being wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her to lean into a warm body. “That's a bad situation anyway you look at it, I think. Those boys were bullying you, and you lashed out. Maybe you went too far, but it wasn’t all on you.”

“…maybe not, but I still did it. I kept doing it, and I got worse and worse.”

“From everything you’ve told me, you did…but Sunset? Have you thought that maybe it's not so bad?” When the redhead stared at her, Twilight continued, “You claim you’re a monster and you made yourself that way…but if it was done by your own hands, then don’t you also have the ability to change yourself? Remake yourself into what you want to be, now that you’re more self aware? You claim to be a monster, you believe you are one…but you don’t have to stay that way.”

“I…I don’t want to stay a monster, I really don’t…but…what’s to keep me from messing it all up? From making the same mistakes? Like last week, when I attacked those guys…I enjoyed it! I hurt them but…even now I don’t feel bad about it, not like i probably should…”

The other girl was quiet for a minute or two, thinking. “I don’t think that makes you a bad person,” she said at last. “I think it makes you very human. As for messing up…people make mistakes, Sunset, but you have to be willing to keep trying. And when you have friends, you trust them to help you.”

Sunset grabbed another tissue, trying to clean up her face. “…I…It's been a long time since I trusted anyone. Only thing I ever seemed to get from it was hurt…”

Twilight Sparkle reached over with the hand not around Sunset’s shoulders, palm up. “…would you be willing to try and trust me?”

Blue-green eyes watched her, haunted and lined with exhaustion, pain, and very real fear, before she accepted the offered hand with her own trembling grasp. “…I…think I’d like to try.”

Sunset sat nervously on Twilight’s bed, still trying to make herself look less a mess. The small bedside trashcan has a mass of used tissues in it, a testament to the emotional conversation that had taken place. She ran a hand through her hair, waiting for the other girl to return from ‘getting something that would help.’ She was still exhausted from a week of poor sleep, her eyes feeling gritty and irritated, but the mass of guilt and self-hate that had taken up residence in her chest had shrunk.

The door opened to admit the dark haired teen. Twilight was carrying a carton of ice cream and a pair of spoons, giving Sunset a sheepish grin. “It’s tradition,” she explained. “When I was little, I had a lot of night terrors, and my babysitter would get the ice cream and sit with me. We’d eat it right out of the carton and I’d talk about what was scaring me awake. So…we can’t have a heart to heart about nightmares without the traditional ice-cream binge somewhere in there.”

Accepting the spoon, Sunset laughed. “And tradition is important,” she agreed sagely. “Especially good traditions, like this one.” The two girls pried the lid off the frozen treat, digging in in silence for a few minutes. Licking the spoon clean, the former unicorn sighed. “…I…appreciate this. You didn’t have to listen to all of this from me…but…you did, and…I think I feel a bit better. Tomorrow still has me feeling like my insides are tying themselves up, but…I might be able to sleep tonight, because of you. I…guess…I’m trying to say…thank you.” The words felt strange on her tongue, and her ears darkened in embarrassment.

“You’re welcome—and remember…that’s part of what friends are for. Helping each other. So what’s going on tomorrow that has you so worried?”

Another sigh. “…So I told you how that new girl got the whole school behind her to knock me off my throne? She didn’t do it entirely alone. The first people she rallied were that group of girls I told you about—the ones I deliberately fractured freshman year because it made the school easier to divide and conquer? Those girls were instrumental in everything that happened at the dance, and they have every reason to treat me worse than anyone.”

Purple eyes narrowed behind thick glasses. “They aren’t bullying you now, are they?”

Sunset shook her head. “…no…no, I don’t think so. But…they want to talk to me, tomorrow, and I don’t know what they want. Maybe they just want to yell at me, or demand apologies. Maybe they want to make sure I’m not planning to take back my spot as Queen Bitch of CHS. Or it could be something else entirely. I don’t know…and that’s making me really worried.”

“Did you want me to go with you?” The offer was immediate and made without hesitation.

“…No. I…as stupid as this sounds…it’s something I need to do alone? And I don’t want you getting caught in the middle if it gets ugly.” She rubbed her neck. “I was horrible to them.”

“I understand…” Twilight smiled at her. “…you can text me if you need me then? To talk or to meet up after if you need it?”

Scooping out another spoon of ice cream, Sunset nodded. “I will.” A pleased hum escaped her. “Okay, your old sitter had a great idea with the ice cream.”

“Cady was the best babysitter—it’s like having an older sister and I always have fun talking to her when she comes over.” At the puzzled head tilt, she clarified. “She’s been dating my brother for a long time, and she’s pretty much another member of the family—that's her room, down the hall.”

Shaking her head, Sunset pointed the spoon at Twilight. “Then let's take some advice from her. You've been having nightmares too. So talk.”

Twilight flinched, staring at her toes. “I…I just keep thinking about…about what would've happened if you hadn't been there.” A tremor passed through her, and tears filled her eyes. “They…they almost—and it's only because you were there that they didn't. I couldn't stop them. When I close my eyes, it’s like I can feel their hands on me again, holding me down and grabbing no matter how much I beg them to stop...in the nightmares, there’s no Sunset Shimmer that saves me... I wake up, still feeling them on me, and it’s all I can do not to scream.” Spoon forgotten in the carton, she hugged herself.

The redheaded girl frowned, suddenly wishing she’d hit the thugs even harder the week before. The anger rising in her transmuted abruptly into that strange compulsion when Twilight leaned against her, sniffling. Her arm curled around the slim form, pulling her closer, and her friend rested her head against Sunset’s collarbone. “I…I’m…happy I was there to stop them,” she told Twilight honestly. She wanted to ease her fears, and she knew in her gut that if she was around, she’d jump to defend her from things like that in the future—but that required her to be present, and unless she glued herself to Twilight every moment of every day like a weird form of stalker, she couldn't guarantee being there when the bespectacled girl needed help.

Twilight needed something to make her feel safe and confident, Sunset realized, and she had a solution. “I have an idea,” she said. “You said you felt helpless—would you like me to teach you how to defend yourself? To fight back, at least enough to get away? Because…I might not always be there to help you, and this way you can help yourself if I’m not.”

There was a long silence only broken by the occasional sniffle, before Twilight nodded against Sunset. The pair then sat in that position for a while longer, drawing strength from the simple fact that they weren't alone while confronting the darkness haunting them. Finally, Sunset squeezed her companion’s shoulders. “We’ll make plans then on weekends for me to teach you some self defense. It’s good to know for anyone, but the kind I learned was specifically meant for females to be able to deal with male opponents. Lots of physics and redirection rather than strength and force.” She nudged her, offering the ice cream back to Twilight.

“Thank you, Sunset.”

The pair relaxed on the bed for a while longer, sharing ice cream and talking quietly. The spoons eventually scraped the bottom and the empty carton was set on the nightstand. Sunset lay back, fiddling with her phone, making sure she had an alarm set for the next morning, fighting a monster yawn. A glance next to her showed that Twilight had already dozed off, and she reached over to tug a blanket over the sleeping girl. Hopefully, they'd both be nightmare free. Some part of her realized she should probably make herself comfortable on the floor, but the bed was warm and she was relaxed. Eyes slipped shut and sleep claimed the former tyrant queen of Canterlot High.

Twilight Velvet eased her daughter’s door open when she saw the light still on well after midnight, intending on chastising the sleepover pair and encouraging them to turn the lights out and get some sleep. What she saw made her smile instead. Both girls were passed out on Twilight’s bed, covers tangled. She moved forward to straighten the blanket over both of them, and Sunset rolled closer to her friend, fingers finding Twilight’s shirt and gripping it tight with a sleepy murmur. Velvet pulled the covers up, kissing her daughter’s head, and stroking her fingers over Sunset’s hair. “Sleep good, girls,” she whispered, slipping out of the room.

Her husband looked up as she slid into their bed. “Did you tell the party animals to get some rest?”

“They were already out. I like Sunset—I haven't seen or heard Twily this animated about a friend since middle school. And she seems like she really needs a friend herself—the poor thing couldn’t seem to understand why I was being nice to her when Twilight introduced us…and I found them passed out on the bed next to an empty carton of ice cream sporting two spoons. You know what that means.”

Night Light’s brows pinched together. “Cadence’s Nightmare Remedy. I was wondering why she seemed so skittish…has our daughter said why? Is Sunset having problems at home?”

“I don’t know, but I was thinking we ought to encourage her to have Sunset over more often. I know tonight was a last minute plan—I was under the impression she was getting a milkshake with a friend after school, and then all of a sudden she texted me to ask if Sunset could come for dinner and a sleepover. That’s so unlike our daughter that I said yes…and now I’m glad I did.” Her mind trailed back to when she’d covered them up, how Sunset’s brow had smoothed and tension melted from her when she’d gripped the back of Twilight’s shirt. “I don't know her story, but there’s something about Sunset…something that makes my heart ache as a mother.”

He made a thoughtful sound. “Then we make Sunset feel welcome here, encourage Twilight to bring her over as often as she can…and if it's something about her home environment, we call it in. She’s bright and well mannered, and I think you’re right, Twilight’s not been this excited about a friendship in a long time—maybe they’ll be good for each other. I worry about how bad Twilight’s anxiety has been getting.” Night turned concerned eyes towards his wife as they settled in for the night. “…I still wonder if sending her to the private school was the best idea, no matter how much she wanted the ‘college placement opportunities’ and ‘intense academic curriculum.’ Just because it didn’t have a long term negative impact in Shining or Cadence doesn’t mean it’s a healthy environment for Twilight.”

Velvet sighed as she turned out the lamp, plunging the room into darkness. “I agree with you, dear, but it was Twilight’s choice that we put to her to make. If she comes to us about troubles at school, we’ll handle it, maybe suggest a transfer. In the meantime, we’ll just make sure we are kept up to date by her therapist and hope that encouraging her friendship with Sunset will help.”

“Hope you’re right…” he murmured drowsily as sleep came for them both.