Our Hero, Pinkie Pie

by fashionistas revenge

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, Violence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 4849

One mare with a positive attitude out to prove that friendship and fun can solve everything! Let's all root for her!

One mare with a positive attitude out to prove that friendship and fun can solve everything! Let's all root for her!

Published 2019-09-24 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-24 04:20:01 UTC

Be the one to walk in the sun

One Ponyville evening, a middle-aged stallion tearfully walked home from the coroner's office. Dead, he thought. All dead. His wife and children had perished today in a terrible chariot accident. He'd never kiss his wife or hold his two colts ever again.

When he'd heard the news, he'd been clenched by an icy cold he never knew possible and he knew he would never feel warm again. How could he go on? Would he?

Choking back sobs, the stallion slumped into his house and turned on the lights. And there, in the middle of the living room, sat a bright pink pony holding a cake.

"What... You're that Pinkie Pie, aren't you? What are you doing in my house?"

She smiled at him. "That's right, I am in your house! And I'm here to help! I'll cheer you up and make everything better. I'm Ponyville's premier party pony and the world expert on fun! You didn't think I was going to leave you alone to mourn a life-shattering tragedy in peace, did you?"

He blinked sorrowfully.

"I know what you need, so let's give you a party!"

The middle-aged stallion sighed. "That's kind of you, thanks, but please, I'm in no mood. I just need to cry right now. I lost everything that mattered today."

"I know, I know. Your family's dead and that's real sad, but I made this cake, it's really rad!" she sang, holding it up. "Try a bite, you'll jump in delight!"

He stepped further into the room. He softly said, looking down, "The last thing I want is cake. But if you must, just leave it and go."

"Look, your family's burning in tartarus. They're never coming back."

"What?!" His gaze snapped to her and he stepped back.

She smiled beautifully. "I said, when your family bites the dust, you need to bite into Pinkie's delicious cake! Triple decker super yummy marble! And don't forget to dance to groovy tunes!" She pulled a boombox from behind her back and hit the switch.

Instantly, dancing ponies jumped out from behind all items in the room.

"WHAT THE," he screamed and broke for the door.

"We've got a live one, boys. Tie him to the chair!"

Three stallions wearing funny hats and rainbow-striped overalls roughly seized him and bound him as their howling mistress commanded.

Streamers fell down and garish party decor was shot onto walls. La la la la laa, na na na na naa! whined the silly party tune throughout the room. Partiers squealed and cavorted. "Woo! Yeah!"

Pinkie Pie laughed and exclaimed, "Turn up the music! He's not smiling!"

Her partyboys cranked it up and placed the blasting boombox by his head.

"Please! My wife and kids are dead! I just want to mourn!"

"That's not happy!!!" Pinkie smushed a slice of cake in his face and started gyrating. Mini cannons started shooting confetti.

La la la! Na na na!

It was hours later when the spastic party started to wind down and the dancers started to lose their energy.

Pinkie, having gotten lost in the excitement, remembered their target and started to come to her senses she didn't have. The mare looked over her handiwork and felt the righteous warmth of do-gooding. The stallion, still tied tightly enough to restrict circulation, was lulled over on the chair, having drunk much of Pinkie's drugged party punch. His glazed eyes stared into another plane and mouth hung open, occasionally slurring gibberish.

"He's looking a bit delirious, but who isn't these days? He's smiling, I'll take it!"

She and her funtime gang exchanged highfives.

"Another job well done! I can't wait to see who else needs to learn the power of fun and friendship."

A lone stallion sat on a park bench on a summer afternoon. He sighed into his hoof. His name was Ponus Red and he watched the ducks strutting around pecking for crumbs. It reminded him of dinners back home. Ponus missed his family. Moving here seemed a mistake. He was sick of his work and losing interest in hobbies. Getting out of bed was getting harder and harder.

A shadow appeared over him. He looked up to see the dropping form of a pony above, eclipsing the light, parachuting down toward him.

"Hello there!" she called as she landed a short distance away. "Just your friendly local happymeister checking in. I was doing an aerial patrol over Ponyville and couldn't help but notice you didn't seem like you were having very much fun. Is that an accurate assessment?" she asked, shedding off the chute harness and striding toward him.

He looked at her hesitantly. Pinkie Pie, pretty much the town fool. Ponus usually avoided those sorts of things and hung back in crowds. He'd managed to mostly stay out of her attention until now.

"Um, I'm fine, just here enjoying the outdoors."

"Please. That was no slouch of enjoyment, your body language was obviously of one troubled! I was watching you with my binoculars!" She pulled them out of her mane in emphasis and just as quickly tossed them away. "Well, be troubled no more, because now I'm here for you. No pony needs be sad in Ponyville, the happiest place on Equus!"

"Wow. Thanks but I don't think the kinds of things you do can help with my kind of problems. I'm just not sure what I'm doing in life, or where I want to be."

"Ah," she nodded. "I hear ya. But don't fret. You're already where you're supposed to be! Everypony wants to be here, in Ponyville, the happiest place on Equus!"

"Is it? Then why do I feel so empty?"

"Because you're not participating in the fun! You may be miserable inside, but a smile is the first step to happiness!"

Ponus rolled his eyes. "I've tried that, it doesn't do much. See?" He gave a weak smile.

"Then you just have to smile harder! And laugh!"

"I really don't want to."

"Nonsense!"

"I'd rather not."

She pointed her hoof at him. "You're a quitter! Hold him down, boys! We'll need to use the smilemaker on this one."

He whinnied as beefy thugs in overalls popped up around his sides. "Now - now wait just a minute!" He leapt off the bench but they grabbed him.

They were impassive to his protest and unyielding hooves held him down and shoved a steel contraption onto his face that held his mouth open uncomfortably wide, pressing into his gums, with the corners of his lips stretched up into a wide smile by hooks. He heard a lock on the back click shut and they let go. He immediately pulled at it tight on his face, finding no give.

"If you don't want to try mind over matter, well, matter over mind works almost as well!" Pinkie tossed a set of keys up and down in her hoof.

Ponus Red sat dumbfounded, looking in horror at her. Drool started to seep out his mouth.

"Now if you're missing your family, we'll just bring them here!" she said omnisciently. She giggled. "We have ways that are very persuasive! And then we'll see if you're ready for that to come off. Expect delivery in a few days!" Pinkie said, turning on her feet and skipping away merrily.

Pinkie Pie continued frolicking her way across the park until she came across Mr. Oldpony.

"Good to see you, mister!" she greeted. "How are you today?"

"My knees hurt and my hip is out of whack again. Darn doctor don't know what he's doing."

"Oh. Well have you had any fun today? That's the best medicine there is!"

"Ahh, can't have no more fun no more. My diabetes is acting up," he grumbled.

"I've never had that problem. Here, listen to my favorite song!" She pressed down on her mane and a pop jam started emitting from the device presumably in it. "Dancing time!" Pinkie swept up his front hooves and spun tango circles.

"Ow, my arthritis!"

"See? Fun! Ha! Ha! Heh heh Haaah! I bet you're feeling better!"

"Mercy! Mercy!" he cried as Pinkie twirled him around.

"Heeaah haaaah Ha ha! Fun!" she cried as they danced around the grass and she occasionally tossed confetti.

Every day is bright in Ponyville!

And so every day is, but soon came one that would shine brighter than any other. One Pinkie had spent so long planning for. The Ultra Party.

Word was spread and countless ponies journeyed from all across the country, ready for a celebration like none had been seen before. Every festivity imaginable was set up around the town and surrounding countryside. The town itself was decorated up like a mad clown's nightmare.

Thus early in the morning, as the sun was rising, ponies stood through the streets and crowded the town square, only hoping their lives would be upended as much as had been claimed.

As time came, Pinkie's three stallions walked out and took places on the balcony of the town hall. Each was wearing a toy soldier hat now.

"Do do doo!" belted a partyboy, as another played a kazoo. The third wrapped a large paper sheet into a cone and spoke into it as a megaphone. "Behold, ye ignoramuses! Our premier party pony is now here to christen the celebration!"

"You don't know the meaning of life but today she will show you!" shouted the first.

One of the overalled stooges then plopped down a stack of soap boxes, which Pinkie gracefully glided up onto.

"Thank you! Beautiful folks of Equestria! My dear friends!" she called. "Here I am on this morning, to bring you a celebration that will carve itself into history! I am here to make the very best of times! I am here to fill you all with so much fun it oozes out of you visibly along with your other fluids! I am here to ask one of you the best recipe to make potpie because mine turns out like crap! But!"

"But, rejoice for what we will achieve today! The ultimate party of all parties! When we tell our children of this day, and when they tell their children, they will weep that they weren't here for it and missed out on the best of times! They will shout at the injustice of it, and then they will get angry and they will swear revenge and try to strike us down and claim this title for themselves!" She shouted, throwing hooves in the air. "Today, we will party so hard we'll shake the foundations of civiliiizzaaation!" she howled and flailed, spitting on them.

Hordes of jubilant eyes stared at her. Not a face was without an expectant grin for their beloved maestro.

"Now go! Have! Fun!" She whipped out a lit firework and launched it into the crowd.

As one, the crowd cheered and ignited in a powder keg of adoration and excitement across the whole town.

Frenzied ponies stampeded to grasp as much pleasure as they could. Many of the weak were trampled underhoof as nature demanded, bleeding and laughing, casualties to the cause of friendship and fun. Debaucheries were shamelessly enacted such as doing the pony pokey or gourging so much processed nacho-cheese-dip substance it clogged your esophagus and you choked as you shrieked in gleeful wheezes. New debaucheries were invented by the hour. The undulating party took form as a new type of higher consciousness and its spirit possessed them all. Simpletons' minds were consumed and overwritten into nothing but sheer party passion, to which they were lost forever. The mania spilled out far past the outskirts of the town and became a contagion infecting the nation.

The planet shifted off its axis and onto a new one, heading to a place where the fun couldn't stop.

Late that night, Pinkie wandered the emptying trashed streets, surveying her handiwork. Ponyville was a wreck, buildings defaced and graffitied, some crumbling, party decor littered all over. Substances of all kinds such as foam and frosting and putty and vomit were spewed across the streets. Occasional laughter still rang out through the dark.

Pinkie's glow almost radiated around her. She didn't think anything could trump this. All the ponies told her this day had given new meaning to their lives. With her worldquaking party, she'd brought harmony to Equus in the way only unrestrained chaos could. Her body was exhausted but mind felt boundless as she lightheadedly trotted down the road.

"Gah, I stepped in it," she heard a pony say as she rounded the corner, then promptly walked into Carrot Top wiping off a hoof.

"Carrots! Legendary party, huh? Best thing you've ever experienced?"

Carrot smiled in the light of a streetlamp. "I'm sure it was, Pinkie, but I enjoyed the day from the safety of my house. I'm just stepping out for some milk now that the chaos is over."

Pinkie paused. "You missed out on the party?" she asked, doubting her ears. "My ultra party of a lifetime? No, I'm pretty sure I saw you there."

"Yeah, I was there at the start but left after an hour. Not everypony can party all the time. I've got chores to do and kids to care for. Work in the morning."

Pinkie shook her head. "You sound so sad. It breaks my heart."

She shrugged. "It's just life. My kids make everything worth it."

"The words of someone who obviously needs cheering up. Thank Celestia I'm here! Here, laugh at this. Why did the chicken go to jail?" She gave a dramatic pause. "For the crimes he committed!" Pinkie snorted laughing.

Carrot looked at her passively. "Eh, not really funny."

"Okay, let me explain why you should be laughing. You really don't know enough about comedy to understand why you should think it's funny, but that's okay, I'm not judgemental, we can't all be fun specialists, not judging! I'm here to help!"

"This joke is an instance of anti-humor, which is a sort meta-comedy and plays on the expectations of comedy. A normal joke relies on the surprising answer, but here the surprise is that there is no punchline, just the obvious answer. Clever!"

"Yeah, I understood that. It just wasn't that good to me."

Pinkie laughed lightly. "Different strokes for different folks. But I'll be really disappointed if you don't start being happy now. I'm just a young sensitive mare, you don't want to make me cry, do you?"

Carrot's eyes shifted back and forth. "Aw, come on, don't do that."

Pinkie's puppy eyes shimmered back.

"Okay! You've amused me." Carrot forced a laugh.

"Excellent!" Pinkie saluted and cartwheeled away. "Bringing love and laughs wherever I go, that's Pinkie's game!" Standing again down the street, she put a hoof to her chest and said to herself, "It's a hard, unceasing mission, but I'm the mare for it! Others suffer, and I will not allow that! It's all so funny! To the Pinkie Cave!"

Days later, after a well deserved rest and soap opera marathon, Pinkie dwelt in her cave.

Among her meticulous files and notes and advanced amusement gadgets, she sat deep in thought on an armchair. Her forehooves were pressed together, eyes narrowed in contemplation. Nearby a log burned in a portable firepit.

Carrot Top and those like her held rent in her mind.

"We've done good work lately, but it's not enough," she said. "Not even the epic ultra party. Though it was epic. In my heart, I know there's more I can do. I can feel that there's something better waiting. And this time it's not heartburn."

She stroked her chin, thinking about the gloom that still lurked in the corners of Ponyville. Would it ever be enough? Was she not enough?

"I have so much talent!" She slammed a hoof down on the armrest.

"Right you do, boss!" chimed a partyboy reading the paper.

"To share with this broken world," she said.

Pinkie looked up as into the room shuffled her two other cavorters.

"Ma'am, we've got something for you, and we think you're going to be real interested in this. We've spotted a new pony moving into town! Looks like a real dark one! He's black and dour and grim!"

"Ooh." She leaned forward in interest. "And what's his cutie mark like?"

The partyboy stood before his mistress and announced with satisfaction, "It's miserable! A gray moping sad face!"

This could be it, what she really needed to triumph and vanquish the forces of gloominess! Too much was still slipping through the cracks of her lovingly-oiled party machine. She would convert this pony to the ways of fun and he'd be a shining example to show even those ponies devoted to the dark how mistaken they were!

She leapt from the chair. "Take me to him."

Her merry minions led her to the house.

Pinkie bounced around outside it. "We're gonna do some real good today, I can feel it! I'll go in first to talk to him. You guys wait out here, I'll signal if I need you." She rubbed her hooves together. "Now let's meet this sad sack," she said as she opened the front door and let herself in.

"Hello," she called, walking in the entryway, looking around the dull home. She soon located her target, sitting in the barren living room staring at a wall.

With a lionish smile, Pinkie slunk up to him.

"There you are! Hello! I see you're new here," she purred. "I'm Pinkie Pie, everyone's friend! I'd like to welcome you to our happy, beautiful town."

He drearily turned to her. "Oh, a guest. I don't believe I invited you."

"Don't worry, you don't have to! It's my job to make sure all in Ponyville - no, Equestria! - are happy and smiling!"

"Ugh."

"So I told you my name, what's yours?"

"I am Broodgrim Mopeyhorse. Now whatever you're offering, I don't want it. I just want to regret my wretched birth."

"Really, your parents named you that? And what's your special talent?"

"My so-called gift is to see through pony bullshit to the bleak reality of existence. Woe is me, for I am condemned to be much smarter than everyone around me," he sadly said.

Pinkie couldn't ask for a better specimen.

"Well that won't be a problem anymore, Broody. Here in Ponyville, every day is bright and cheery! You have no cause at all to be so depressed and serious! When was the last time you even laughed?"

"I hate laughter. I imagine the gods are looking down, laughing at us."

Pinkie crossed her eyes. "Yes, I can see that you're very sick. We'd better start your treatment right away."

She continued, "You say you hate it but nopony hates laughter. You just haven't heard the right jokes. Wait till you get a load of mine. Ahem," she cleared her throat. "So a pony walks into a bar. She says, I told you I'm no good at limbo!"

He quietly frowned at her and Pinkie imagined crickets.

"So I was sitting in traffic the other day. That's probably why I got run over!"

"Bah."

"How do you prepare a party in space?"

"You die in the uncaring void, as everypony will."

"No! You planet!" She honked a horn this time and some confetti sprayed out her hair. She started to chuckle but trailed off as Brood's face remained like stone.

"Tough crowd. If you really don't want to laugh, there are other ways to enjoy yourself! How about we dance?"

"No."

"Yeesss. Let's dance. Your sadness can't survive this!" She pressed her mane to turn on her music and started doing a jig. "Like this! Isn't this fun? Ha ha!"

He looked down his nose at her. "I'll never dance in my life. Only inane buffoons are entertained by the simple shaking of their body parts."

"Don't say that! You can't resist the beat!"

"I think not. Again I ask you to leave."

"Do a dance," Pinkie frowned. "I'm your friend now and I'm strongly requesting you dance!" She went to grab his hooves but he swiftly evaded her.

"I'd appreciate if you kept your hooves to yourself. I'd appreciate it more if you'd go away now."

"Ho! You won't slip away from me! Be warned." Pinkie prowled around him. She intoned, "Your bitterness may be strong but my will is stronger~"

He scowled as they circled each other. "You oaf! Leave me to my misery!"

Pinkie fervorously lunged and grappled him. "You've never had a friend like me, that's your problem."

"I don't want any friends. I want to be alone!" He tried to shrug her off but she held on tight. They rolled around the floor in fierce struggle.

"Friendship will prevail!!" she shouted as they tangled.

"Gahhh!" Broodgrim shouted.

Brood climbed on top Pinkie and tried to rise up, but she pulled him down. He pressed her face away with a hoof. She tried to bite it and he clocked her in the snout. Pinkie dazedly laughed and Broodgrim took the moment to skitter away from her.

"You're insane! You're the most bullshit pony I've ever seen!"

"I'm the spirit of laughter!"

"Only a lunatic would laugh at this! This sad painful world mostly filled with tedium!"

Pinkie climbed to her hooves. "No, you're the crazy pony that doesn't want to be happy!" She pointed to her mane, still emitting music. "Just listen to the song and feel good already! Geez!"

"What's the point? Just giving into a lie for a few minutes, only to be hit with the cold truth again. It fixes nothing. Nothing will be better. Futile."

"The truth is that warm feeling when you're with friends who care about you and you know everything is alright! You need to just trust in the good times!"

"You need to not be so shortsighted! The end is always coming, looming, and if they don't move on first and leave you, you'll both just die anyway. Friends are worth nothing more than this dirt," Broodgrim said and lightly scuffed at some dirt on the wood floor.

Pinkie's smile tightened and her eyes twitched. "You're kinda making me want to kill myself here. Stop that!"

"Partyboys!" Pinkie blew a whistle and and their bodies hurled in through a window, shattering glass and cracking wood. Broodgrim hastily barrel rolled out of the way. "Now we've got you cornered! Bring out the chains! Hold him down hard. He's freakishly agile."

Picking their spew-splayed bodies up, the colorful stallions held out chains and formed a row, closing in menacingly.

Broodgrim backed up to the rear wall in dismay, fear on his face. "You're only giving me more reasons to despair!"

"You will be happy! Equestria is a happy place!"

As the stallions took him down and began chaining him up, Brood wailed, "You'll never manage it! My despair reaches to the heavens, transcends all mortality! It is assigned to me by fate! Futile!"

She put a hoof to her chest. "There is nothing a positive attitude won't fix! That's the code I live by, and I won't hear otherwise! Even if I have to whip the universe into compliance with a rubber chicken!"

"You're not fixing, only distracting!"

"Gag him," Pinkie shrieked.

Finally totally bound and muzzled, Broodgrim laid helplessly on the floor before them. His wide eyes looked up at them.

Pinkie Pie felt the bright embrace of friendship and threw her head back and hooted. "Oh the things I'm going to do! First thing, that cutie mark has got to go! It is the foundation of his delusion that happiness is not possible!" She turned to her men. "You got the party-surgery equipment?"

"Right here, ma'am." He gestured to a set up cart with candy-colored medical supplies and tools.

"Wonderful! That's why you guys are the best, you always know what's up! And what's up?"

"The sky," quipped one.

"Wonderful," she chuckled. "We're crossing the line now! You," she pointed, "will be the first in a new frontier of reformed ponies!"

Brood panically shook his head, shouting as much as the muzzle would allow.

"Let's look in my stock of cutie marks and see which we should transplant onto you. Oh this is gonna be good."

Pinkie Pie took a chilled container from the bottom of the cart and started examining the preserved skins within.

"Okay, how about balloons? Always a classic. But no, that doesn't get the point across. A pony like you needs a very very strong mark of happiness, the kind you can't escape from or turn away from or get out of your face. Smiling stars? Dancing fish? Fireworks? Cute baby seal?"

"No, I've got it, this one! Ha ha ha ha," she lurched as glee spilled out of her. "Ha ha ha ha! Nicolas Cage!"

She pulled up a slab of flankflesh with a cutie mark depicting the actor's face and showed it to all of them.

The partyboys oohed and aahed. Chains rattled as Broodgrim squirmed.

"Anesthesia!" (and Rasputin) They hooked up an IV to him and started pumping it in.

"Ambiance!" One of her men pulled out of his overalls bowling pins and obediently juggled.

"While we wait for your sedation to kick in, your coat is a misguided color, so we'll just dye that something festive. We'll make you look like cotton candy!"

A tear went down Broodgrim's eye.

The two nonjuggling costumed stallions started applying pink and blue dyes to his fur. As they did that, Pinkie turned to the medical cart and selected some devices.

"Now, this is the coup de grace of your transformation. You don't know how to enjoy yourself so we need to teach you how - with invasive experimental surgery!"

Brood's writhing grew sluggish. His eyes drooped.

"This implant will continually stimulate the pleasure center of your brain, overloading you with neverending euphoria!" She put down that electrode array and then held up another set.

"And see these? These electrodes will be implanted under your skin and wired to a sensor in your brain to shock you whenever they detect unhappy thoughts. Begging for respite from the pain, your mind will be reshaped into happiness!"

By now Brood was no longer responsive.

"I hope you appreciate what I'm doing for you. This treatment is the culmination of years of painstaking research. It wasn't fun! But I did it and suffered through it because I love you all so much!" Pinkie hugged herself and wiggled side to side as she shouted.

"Oh, I didn't want to resort to it before, but I see, Broody, it must be done. Pony's warn about this kind of thing, but they haven't faced the inevitability of it. It doesn't matter whether they do! Those who don't keep pace with evolution are left behind. But you and I, Broody, won't be. For us, the joy will never end."

"...Time to operate!"

Once the delicate work was completed, Pinkie leaned back and let out a tired breath. She wiped sweat off her brow.

A partyboy held out a glass of coffee with silly straw for her to sip.

"Thank you."

She stepped back and her gang gathered around to observe her finished work.

The once-dark horse lay unconscious on the floor, now unbound and looking like a lump of haggard cotton candy. The Nic Cage cutie mark was stitched to flank in place of the old one. Much of his head had been shaved for the surgery, leaving a bald stitched dome with short Pinkie-like poofy fuchsia hair in the back. A line of stitches trailed down his neck.

"Here it is, partyboys. My masterpiece."

The stallions' eyes shined with wonder. They turned to each other in awe.

"You're amazing, ma'am."

"A true visionary."

"I cry to think of what Equestria did before we had you."

She soaked in the praise.

"Pour some coffee on him, wake him up!"

A pot of lukewarm espresso was dumped on his face. Broodgrim spluttered and his eyes opened. His mouth immediately assumed a misshapen smile.

They watched as Broodgrim carefully arose.

His eyes darted around the room. "Unable to..." Bzzt! "be unhappy. The void... death... no, friendship! Friends and fun! I'm a silly stallion who likes friends and fun!" He leapt and kicked his hooves. Zip. Zap. His coffee-sogged fur stood on end.

Pinke watched with overjoyed grin. "Yes! You don't need that dreadful name anymore now. Let's call you Sprinkles!"

He nodded. "Sprinkles," he croaked.

Pinkie and her funtime gang traded highfives. One chirped a kazoo.

Spasming, head occasionally jerking right, Sprinkles said, "Thank you, PINKIE Pie. I'm so happy now. You're a good friend. Long live Equestria!" Zap! Something grinded. He turned to the door and began stumbling away in crooked paths. "I'm going to go stare at the sun now."

"How harmonious of you."

And so Sprinkles walked out into the horizon, and friendship scored another victory.

Author's Note