Seriously? Out of all the stories you could have chosen to read, you picked this one? What, did the cover art make it stand out? It’s literally just a generic picture of Twilight. I mean, I’ve seen so much better. Was it the title? The title literally told you not to read it. The description? Did the description catch your fancy or trip your trigger or whatever you want to call it? “Twilight Sparkle buys socks.” Whoop-de-doo. Like…what did you hope was going to happen here? Come on, this is just stupid. Just…just please go. Just read something else. I hear “The Enchanted Library” is good. It won some award or something. Go read that. I’m sure it’s a million times better than whatever I might come up with.
Are you still here? Great. Lovely. I suppose I’m going to have to tell you some kind of story or something now, I guess. I can’t just stop here or post a bunch of gibberish or something and call it good, can I? So I’m going to have to actually narrate something. Fine. Whatever.
Uh, let’s see…um…one day, Princess Twilight Sparkle, uh, went to the mall or something. Yeah, that’s probably something she would do. Twilight, she, uh, went to the mall and bought a new pair of socks. Princess socks, ‘cause she’s a princess. Yeah. Alright, so let’s see, um…she bought some socks and then…uh…then she went home.
The End
That was it. That was the story. Why are you still here? Oh, that wasn't enough for you, is that it? You want character development in your story? You want conflict, do you? Fine. Let’s get this over with.
Twilight Sparkle, she, uh, went to the mall and bought some socks. She needed to buy the socks because, uh, it was…uh, it was Sock Day. It was Sock Day at the, uh...at the…at the School of Friendship and so she had to buy socks for all the students. Um…but then when she tried to give the socks to the students, they were really, uh…really mad. Yeah. They said they hated Sock Day and…uh…what’s her name…Smelter….no, uh…uh…oh yeah, Smolder. Smolder took, uh, she took her pair of socks and she, uh…and she burned them. She breathed a bunch of fire and it was really hot and she burned them. So then Twilight, uh, decided Sock Day was bad. It was a bad idea, and so she canceled it and, uh…then, uh…the school never had Sock Day again. Yep.
The End
You’re still here? What was missing? Twilight realized Sock Day was bad. That was her character development. She developed as a character. The students hated Sock Day. There’s your conflict. What more could you want? I mean, you want something more than that? You want me to just keep making up some stupid story just because you clicked on some stupid title on a website and thought there would be a story here? Fine. Let’s just, uh, throw in some more ponies or something. You like ponies, right? I mean, you’re reading a My Little Pony fanfic after all. You must like ponies or else you must be some kind of masochist or something. I mean, hey, ponies are great, I’ll even admit that, but if you don’t like them, then, like, why are you here? You know what I mean? Anyway, let’s add some more ponies.
So there was Twilight Sparkle, and, uh...the mall, and, uh...she bought socks. She bought the socks from, uh...from Rainbow Dash. Yeah, Rainbow Dash, she was working at the mall, and, uh, selling socks. They were...they were Rainbow Socks. She got an endorsement deal or something. Yeah. That’s...that’s why she was selling socks. ‘Cause they had her cutie mark on them and it, uh…so, um…so, her cutie mark... it, uh, um…wow, I lost my train of thought there for a second. Just…uh, yeah, so, uh…Twilight bought the socks from Rainbow Dash and then she took them to the school ‘cause it was some stupid holiday. I forgot what the holiday was. Oh yeah, it was Sock Day. Sock Day was really stupid and all the students hated it so they, uh…they told Starlight Glimmer ‘cause she was…uh, she was the counselor and, uh, Sock Day was so stupid that it was giving the students mental anguish just like you’re giving me fucking mental anguish here and so they were, uh…they were, uh…uh...so Starlight Glimmer suggested that they tell Twilight about how they feel. So, uh…then when Twilight gave them the socks, Smolder burned them. She burned the socks, and then Twilight decided not to have, uh...not to have Sock Day anymore because, uh...the socks were burnt and, uh…that, uh…that wasn’t cool and so she thought it was, uh…not…not a good holiday. It was…it was a bad holiday. Also Scootaloo said she would never talk to Smolder again, ‘cause, uh...cause she burned Rainbow Dash's socks and...and that was disrespectful or something.
The End
Fuck. Why are you still here? I added three whole ponies. Rainbow Dash? Starlight Glimmer? Scootaloo? I keep just…I don’t…what the…what the heck do you want? This is fucking torture. Like why the fuck do you keep reading? I mean, I told you three whole stories now. Just move on. Just read something else. Just go. Just…just fucking go.
Fuck.
Once upon a time, blah blah blah, Twilight blah blah blah did some random stupid fucking thing and it was something stupid involving fucking socks and they were fucking stupid. Rainbow Dash thought were stupid and Smolder thought they were stupid and Starlight Glimmer thought they were stupid and the whole fucking thing was stupid. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck blah blah blah blah blah. Sock Day is bad, the socks are burned, the whole fucking thing is over. Just let me fucking be done. Stop making me fucking narrate this stupid fucking story.
Fuck.
Fine. You make me keep doing this, I’ll make you a part of it, too. Would you like that? Huh? Would you fucking like that? Let’s go.
Twilight Sparkle, she goes, she buys some fucking socks. She gives them to you. You get the stupid fucking socks and now you have some stupid fucking socks and I just realized that I made it over a thousand words a little while ago so I can finally get the fuck out of here and you can do whatever the fuck you want with your stupid fucking socks. Have a happy fucking Sock Day.
The End
Author's Note
This was originally intended to be the end of the story, but for reasons outside my control, it continues in the next chapter. Feel free to stop here if you'd like. If you continue, be warned that part of the next chapter is the reason for the violence and gore tags.
And if you're reading this on the day it was published, Happy April Fools' Day! ;)
(As an extra note, I also want to make it clear that the reference to The Enchanted Library isn't intended to be negative in any way. DO read it!)
FUCK.
That was supposed to be the end. I hit the word requirement. I said “The End” for the final time. The chapter ended. What are you doing? What are you doing? I don’t...I can’t...
Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
Okay. Okay. Fine. So I’m still here because the moderators said that last chapter had too much filler and not enough story content. Even though it had like five whole stories. I don't resent them for it - they're just doing their jobs. But you on the other hand...you don’t have to be here! You can leave at any time. Do you feel some kind of obligation to finish this thing now that you started it or what? Just take your socks and go. They’re free. It’s okay. Pretend this chapter doesn’t exist.
Whatever. I told you the sock stories already. I met my obligation set by the story description. So I can do something else now, right? If you’re really going to stick around, then just take this thing I dug up from some discarded drafts. It’s called “Flutter’s Eye.” It's violent and gory, and hopefully it’s off-putting enough to finally get you to leave. I should have thought of this sooner, but at least I don't have to make things up on the spot anymore:
“And then Antoine tried to eat Muriel again and so I had to…” Fluttershy continued speaking, taking Rainbow Dash through the course of her rather long and exasperating day, but Rainbow wasn’t listening. She stared at Fluttershy’s face in apparently rapt attention and licked her lips, her mind on other things. Any moment now and she would strike.
Fluttershy sighed as she wrapped up her monologue. “I guess I should be heading back there now,” she said. “Angel said he had things under control, but I’m not sure that’s…”
Rainbow leaped into action, a hoof flying at Fluttershy’s left eye faster than Fluttershy could react. Fluttershy yelped as Rainbow’s hoof clasped onto her eye and pulled.
“W...what are you doing?” Fluttershy asked. “I don’t...please stop. Rainbow, PLEASE STOP!” She tried to pull away, but Rainbow’s grip was too strong.
Rainbow kept pulling and a moment later, something tore and the eye popped off. Blood poured from the wound as Rainbow turned the eye in her hoof and then popped it into her mouth. Half of Fluttershy’s field of vision now gone, she stared at Rainbow in horror and pain, raising her hoof to her now-empty eye socket to stem the flow of blood.
“Mm...chewy,” Rainbow said, rolling the eye around in her mouth with her tongue as she chewed in order to savor the flavor as much as she could.
“W...what? Why?” Fluttershy asked, in too much shock to say anything else.
“I was hungry,” Rainbow said, her mouth still full. She chewed a bit longer, then reluctantly swallowed. At least the aftertaste would linger.
Fluttershy opened her mouth as if to speak, but was hit by a wave of dizziness. She stumbled to one side and nearly fell, but Rainbow caught her and helped to hold her steady.
“That looks pretty bad,” she said gently. “Let’s get you to the hospital.”
You're really still here? Well, that’s it. That’s the whole draft. Where the heck was it going? I have no idea. I’m not sure if I have quite enough story content yet, so here, take this random nonsense I found and I think I can finally be done:
At 2:49 PM on a Tuesday in 1938, in San José, Costa Rica, Pinkie Pie popped out of a toaster and shouted, “I am Bulbasaur, but with twelve elbows and diphtheria!” to her friend the Taco Bell chihuahua, then immediately spray-painted the third eyelash from the right on Derpy’s left eye the exact color of Fred’s ascot from the Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! episode titled “Spooky Space Kook.”
“I am an incandescent lightbulb from Narnia!” the chihuahua said back, surfing on a two-inch tall pile of frozen mayonnaise with a half-melted car muffler with the word “quadriceps” written on it sticking out of it. “Remember to dry your peanut-butter-flavored wallpaper before using disc three of the DVD set for season five of Magnum, P.I. to shove it into a bottle for your chiropractor!”
“Do you ever wonder if Twilight crashed her alligator-shaped bowling ball slippers into the Mariana Trench before sautéing them for Odette from the Swan Princess series at the Grand Galloping Gala?” Pinkie Pie replied, juggling the country of Botswana, one of Bruce Wayne’s kidneys, and a microscopic hairy parallelogram while twerking inside the flowerpot of Toucan Sam’s great-aunt Cheryl’s favorite venus fly trap.
“Only when toothbrushes incinerate twelve and a half Nobel Prizes in Literature at the headquarters of the Stanley Steemer carpet cleaning company!” said the chihuahua, who then metamorphosized into a three-foot-tall clone of Ian McKellan wearing a purple Mr. Peanut costume. Ian began to repeatedly stab a penguin-shaped saltine cracker with a frozen lock of Bolt the Super-Dog’s hair while pirouetting and singing “Photograph” by Nickelback.
Finally. Was that really worth it? Good job wasting your time, I guess, but I’m done wasting mine. I think that should be enough story content now. Bye.
THE END
