Tales From The Commonwealth

by Lab Matt

6. Laughter

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Sorry to bother you with this, I know you have a billion more pressing matters to attend to, but this is important.” Nora had removed her Pip-Boy from her wrist and placed it on the table inside her office in the Castle so that her two guests, Rainbow Dash and Applejack, could listen to the holotape containing the recording of Sunset Shimmer’s voice, left in a dead drop for her to pick up – the two of them paid close attention to what was being said. “I finally got a lead on Pinkie Pie’s location; from what I gathered she was last spotted at the Dugout Inn in Diamond City, several weeks back. According to the Bobrov brothers, she was being very chatty and very friendly with everybody around, to the point where some people were creeped out and left.

Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Classic Pinkie Pie.”

Applejack elbowed and shushed her. “I’m tryin’ to listen.”

She suddenly went quiet when Vadim messed with the radio and picked up a new signal. He didn’t know the frequency, but I think I found the one he was talking about. She had a look of pure joy on her face, then she ran out of Diamond City; that’s the last time she was seen. I wrote down the frequency of the radio signal on the holotape. On any other occasion I would check it out myself, but right now I’m kind of in the middle of something.

Could you check this out for me, see if this is a dead end or if it leads somewhere? I know this is a personal matter, but I wouldn’t have asked if I could do it myself, and right now I really can’t. If you’re too busy to do it, you can point Rainbow Dash and Applejack in the right direction, they are very reliable — yes, I know the three of you are working together now! Take care.

Once the recording ended, Nora strapped her Pip-Boy back on her wrist and removed the holotape. After inspecting the tape itself, she started changing frequencies on her Pip-Boy radio until picking up the one Sunset wrote down:

Hiya, kids! Remember, Nuka-World is only open for a few more weeks in October! Come down and see me and Cappy one last time before buckling down for the winter.” It was the recording of a person speaking with a goofy voice. “Don't forget to bring your empty bottle of Nuka-Cola to get 15 dollars off at the gate! So hop aboard the Nuka-Express and come and see the whole Nuka family while you still can!

“What in tarnation is this ‘Nuka-World’?” Applejack asked, doing air quotes.

“It’s a pre-war amusement park.” The General explained with a nostalgic gleam in her eyes. “My parents took me there when I was a kid.”

“An amusement park? No wonder Pinkie just dropped everything she was doing to go there.” Dash commented.

“You have to ride a monorail to get there, the station is located” General Nora checked the map on her Pip-Boy before showing it to her companions “right here, to the west. It’s a little far from the Castle – the very edge of the Commonwealth, actually – so it might take a while.”

“Then we better get started.” Rainbow Dash stretched her arms and legs. “The sooner we leave, the sooner we can find Pinkie.”

“I wish I could go with you guys.” Nora explained. “But Sturges and I are so close to completing the teleporter that will get us inside the Institute, can’t afford to get sidetracked now.”

“Don’t worry about it, General.” Applejack waved her arms dismissively. “You’ve done enough fer us already. Pinkie is our friend, it’s our responsibility to go after her and make sure she’s safe.”

“Well, you heard what Sunset said: take care.”

The two saluted their General before leaving her office.

“I just don’t understand one thing.” Rainbow Dash spoke up while they walked. “If Sunset knows where we are and what we’re doing, how come she never contacted us?”

“Ya heard her, she’s busy.” Applejack said.

“Busy doing what?”

“Lookin’ for the rest of us. We know where Rarity is, and thanks to the General we now know where Fluttershy is too, but what about Twilight? And she gave us a lead on where Pinkie might be, but until we get there and investigate it, it’s just a guess.”

“Couldn’t she at least drop by to say hello?”

“I know you miss her, Dash. I do too. But this world ain’t exactly the kind where you can just walk out the door on a Sunday afternoon and knock on a friend’s door so y’all can hang out. She’ll come around when she gets the chance.”

“If you say so…”

Together, the two friends walked the Commonwealth side by side on a direct path to the Nuka-World transit center. They stopped by a few settlements to restock supplies or get some sleep – since they were both recognized as Minutemen, settlers and travelers were more than willing to give them a hand as thanks for everything they did to make their lives better.

After almost two days of traveling, the two Rainbooms arrived at their destination: a train station with giant neon letters above it spelling “Nuka-World Transit Center”, located next to the ruins of an old parking lot. Upon inspecting their surroundings, they found the corpses of several long-dead Gunners, one of which Rainbow Dash recognized as Commander Kaylor, as well as what was left of a destroyed Assaultron, bits and pieces of it scattered all over the place.

Applejack picked up the somehow still functional head of the Assaultron.

“Operator deceased. Threat level Omega.” Distorted words came out of the Assaultron’s barely functional voice box. “Critical systems non-functional. Identity of assailant: unknown.” The southern gal tossed the head over her shoulder. “Error. System corrupt. I can’t feel my legs.” The broken robot shut down for good once it hit the ground.

“Did Pinkie do this?” Applejack asked, a little confused and a tad worried.

“The fact that we can’t say ‘no’ right away scares me.” Rainbow Dash replied while checking the pockets of the dead mercs for fusion cells that she could use to reload her laser rifle.

After they were done checking the outside of the station, they headed inside where they walked down a no longer functional escalator. Down there they found a man sitting on the floor, leaning against rubble and clutching his stomach.

“Jesus. Shit. They’re gonna die.” He muttered between pained grunts.

“You ok there, buddy?” Rainbow Dash asked, crouching next to the man.

“What happened to ya, pardner?” Applejack asked as well.

“Raiders, that’s what. Those bastards have my family. You… You gotta help me. Please.”

The two of them exchanged a glance; the speedster looked concerned while the brawler had an eyebrow raised.

“They fooled us. Big time.” The long-haired man continued. “My family and I ran into some traders a while back, told us they knew a safe settlement at Nuka-World. But when we got there, found out they were raiders the whole time. Just stringing us along. I managed to escape but my wife and son are still back there. I wanted to get some help and go back for them, but didn’t count on taking a bullet.”

“Let us help you first.” Dash offered while reaching into her recently-acquired backpack. “I have a stimpak.”

“No, no… I’ll be fine. Save it for my wife and kid.”

“She’s offerin’ ya a way to heal yerself. Why pass that up?” Applejack questioned, crossing her arms. “Maybe because you ain’t injured at all?”

“I, uh…”

“I can tell when someone’s lyin’ to me, mister, now drop the act and tell us what’s really goin’ on here!”

“Dammit.” He muttered before removing his hand from his nonexistent injury, standing up and dusting himself off. “You got me, I ain’t injured, ok? The raiders back at Nuka-World put me up to this. They lure people in and they kill ‘em for fun.”

“And why do you help them?” Rainbow asked, also standing up and grabbing her rifle. “Are you hiding something else from us? Are you a spy?”

“Besides not wanting to die, I’m not the only one they got stuck under their thumb. If I don’t pull through, their lives are at stake just like mine.”

“I have a question for ya, mister… What’s yer name?”

“Harvey, ma’am.”

“Harvey. You do this often?”

“Yes. I’m not proud of it, but it’s either a bunch of strangers or the friends I care about.”

“Did a girl with a mane of pink hair that kinda looks like cotton candy pass by here a while back?”

“I don’t know what cotton candy is, but it sounds like you’re talking about the Overboss.”

“Overboss?” Rainbow Dash asked, lowering her gun and raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, a month or so ago a girl with pink hair passed by here. I did the whole ‘they got my family’ act and she boarded the train to Nuka-World. She survived the gauntlet then took out the old Overboss Colter and took his place. But not long after that she left Nuka-Town, nobody’s seen her since then – Porter Gage, the Overboss’s right-hand man, said she was going to claim the rest of the park. Everybody is saying she’s dead and that they should pick a new Overboss, but he’s always telling everybody that she’s still out there, hard at work.”

Rainbow and Applejack shared another glance, this time one of fear and worry – had one of their closest friend really sunk so low, to the point where she became a raider boss?

“We have to go there and talk some sense into her.” Rainbow Dash said.

“Agreed. Let’s go.”

“If she’s alive.” Harvey added.

The two wastelanders entered the monorail with Harvey following soon after.

“Since you already know the truth, I’d rather not have to wait for the next train.” He explained as he sat down.

Once Applejack activated the tram, she joined Rainbow Dash and Harvey on the seats, watching through the windows as the tram left the station and the pre-war recordings of an announcer introduced them to the attractions that could be seen from a distance. In the middle of the barren wasteland, they could see tall walls housing the attractions of Nuka-World; from where they were sitting it looked abandoned, but if Harvey’s words were true – and Applejack didn’t seem to think they weren’t – the ghost town-like appeal it had was just a front.

The monorail stopped at the station outside of Nuka-World and the three of them stepped out of the tram as the doors opened. On their way out they almost bumped into someone trying to board the tram, causing Rainbow Dash to immediately point her weapon at the man.

“Whoa! Easy there.” The man raised his hands to show he had no guns and was essentially harmless. “No guns, see? I just want to get the hell out of here.”

“RedEye?” Harvey asked, recognizing the man’s voice.

“Hey, you’re the bait guy. Darby, right?”

“Harvey, actually.”

“Who is this guy?” Rainbow Dash asked, her gun still trained on him. “A raider?”

“Yes. No! Kinda? I’m just a radio DJ. Or was, now I just want to get out of here alive.”

“Why? Did something happen in Nuka-Town?”

“Didn’t you hear it? Right, you weren’t here, I guess you didn’t hear it. Thing are screwed down there, totally screwed! The new Overboss turned on us, she’s wiping out raiders left and right – Pack, Operators, Disciples, no one is being spared. I just up and left the moment I heard the explosions, didn’t even grab my guitar.”

“Uh, does this Overboss of ya happens to be a girl with bright pink hair?” Applejack asked.

“You know her? Then good luck trying to make her stop before she blows up the entire park, I’m going to try my luck in the Commonwealth; maybe that Travis guy could use a co-host.” RedEye squeezed past the three newcomers so he could board the tram. Once he was inside and they were outside, the doors closed and the monorail returned the way it came.

“Looks like she’s alive after all.” Rainbow Dash said, relief washing over her.

“And had a change of heart, apparently.” Applejack added, before turning to look at Harvey. “How do we get there?”

“Usually newcomers go through the gauntlet for the raiders’ entertainment.” He pointed at a door to his right with a giant sign that said “Enter” next to it. “It’s filled with all kinds of deadly traps. But when I come back they send the elevator up for me.” He pointed to the open door of the elevator to his left. “RedEye left it open, we can just ride it down.”

The trio stepped into the elevator. A few seconds later they were outside, below the station where they came through. Harvey led them north, across the park’s parking lot filled with ruined pre-war vehicles. After traversing the parking lot, they came across the main entrance of Nuka-Town USA, composed of a few stone archways erected side by side. As they approached, they saw a single raider run out of Nuka-Town and towards them; Dash raised her rifle, but lowered it once realizing that he was unarmed. He was wearing a multi-colored sweater, furry red pants, blue sneakers and a wooden mask that resembled a deer; he didn’t even seem to notice Dash and the others, he was simply running for his life.

At the same time he crossed the archway a single bottle of Nuka-Cola flew over the wall, landing just a few feet in front of him – Rainbow and Applejack noticed that the bottle was glowing pink.

“FUC—” The bottle exploded before he had the chance to finish cursing, turning into a massive ball of fire that consumed the raider. When the smoke dissipated, all that was left were the charred remains of the dead raider; whatever was in that bottle worked fast, because he never even had the chance to scream before the fire burned him to a crisp.

“What if there was a place with all the zip of Nuka-Cola~?” Someone sang, the voice coming closer as the singer approached the entrance. “Wouldn’t that be the cheer-cheer-cheeriest place in all the world~? Where the river is made of Quantum and the mountaintops are fizz~! With fun and games and rides for all the moms and pops and kids~!” The owner of the voice finally showed herself: a cheery young woman with bright pink skin and curly bubblegum pink hair, wearing white slacks and a white crop top, both of which had red stripes running down them, black leather boots and black leather gloves – she was also juggling three bottles of different flavors of Nuka-Cola as she walked.

“A vacation that refreshes, a trip you won’t forget, a park with every minimum acceptable safety standard met~!” She tossed all three bottles up in the air as high as she could as they started to glow pink. “Quench your thirst for adventure at Nuuuuuuukaaaaaaa-Woooooooooooooorld~!” As she hit that final note, she opened her arms and closed her eyes as all three bottles exploded in the air at the same time – an improvised fireworks display of three different colors.

When Pinkie Pie opened her eyes again she saw three people standing a few meters in front of her – three people she already knew, two of which she hadn’t seen in a long time. Once her brain processed the information, she let out a shriek of pure glee and tackle-hugged two of her bestest friends in the whole world to the ground.

“Ohmigosh it’s you girls! I missed you so so so so so so” she inhaled deeply “so so so so so so SO MUCH!”

“It’s good to see you too, Pinkie.” Applejack said with a smile.

The pink-haired girl stood up, helped her friends up then gave them both another hug, this one a lot more restrained.

“What in tarnation are you doin’ here?”

“Taking out the trash!” She beamed, turning her head to look at the charred remains of the raider she killed moments ago.

“I thought you were their Overboss or sumthin’. What changed?”

“It wasn’t by choice. When I heard on the radio that there was a whole park dedicated to Nuka-Cola I got sooooo excited because Nuka-Cola is just the best thing in the entire wasteland! But it turns out it was a trap because raiders had taken over the park and I had to go through a series of challenges in a gauntlet designed to kill me. After I survived the gauntlet I had to face their Overboss in one-on-one combat, so I killed him with a squirt gun.”

Rainbow Dash raised an eybrow. “A squirt gun?”

“Long story! Anyway, after I killed him, this guy with an eyepatch kinda like yours but made of scrap and on the other eye – you look cool by the way – walked up to me, said I was the new Overboss and that the park belonged to three gangs. If the park belonged to them then I had to play by their rules, didn’t want to disrespect their culture or anything. If they said I was Overboss, then I was Overboss. BUT I found a loophole: the only part of the park that belonged to them was Nuka-Town, that meant the rest of the park was free for the taking! The pirate man said that if I cleared out the other parts of the park and raised a flag, the park would belong to the gang whose flag I picked. So I made my own!” Pinkie reached behind her back and pulled out a pink cloth with a blue cupcake crudely painted on it. “Ta-daaa~!

“So after that I solved a worm infestation in the Wild West, helped Tarzan kill giant alligators and save his gorilla family, broke a glowing ghoul’s heart after almost becoming a ghoul myself, stopped an alien invasion and reprogrammed an army of Nuka-Cola-themed robots to serve me.”

“Wait wait wait, roll that back. Did you just say ‘alien invasion’?” Rainbow Dash questioned.

“Yup! They kinda looked like mirelurks, but they glowed. Not the radiation-green kind of glow, but the alien-blue kind. It was spooooooky! I’ve never seen any creature in the wasteland that glows blue, so they had to be aliens.” She reached into her poofy hair and retrieved a bottle. “Well, Nuka-Cola Quantum glows blue, but Nuka-Cola Quantum is not alive. Or is it?” She pressed the bottle against her face, looking deep into its content. “Hm… Nope! It’s dead! Oh, speaking of Quantum, wanna see something cool?”

She pulled another bottle from her hair, this one of regular Nuka-Cola. “When I use my magical powers on bottles of regular Nuka-Cola, they explode and burn everything the fire touches in less than a second. I don’t know what’s in it, but it burns goooood!” The bottle started glowing pink and she tossed it in the parking lot; the fiery explosion was so potent that parts of the cars it touched were glowing red from the heat. “Every flavor of Nuka-Cola does that but each has a different color, it’s really pretty! And then there’s Nuka-Cola Quantum. Applejack, can you give me a hand?”

“With what?”

Pinkie Pie tossed her the bottle of Nuka-Cola Quantum, its blue glow being overshadowed by a pink one. “THROW IIIIIT!

“AHHHHH!” Using her super strength, Applejack threw the bottle as far as she could into the wasteland; the resulting explosion was comparable to a Mini Nuke, which left everyone but the smiling Pinkie Pie with their mouths hanging open.

“So cool, right? Right? RIGHT?! Well, after all the other parks were flying my flag I had a bigger claim to the park’s ownership than they did, so I came back and politely asked them to get off my property.” She pointed her thumb at the charred corpse behind her. “As you can see, negotiations didn’t go quite as well as I had hoped so I went with plan B!”

“Kill them all?” Dash had to ask.

“Actually plan B was to annoy them so much they wouldn’t want to stay anymore, but I guess they weren’t cool with that because eventually they put their differences aside and formed an alliance to overthrow me, so I had to defend myself! I defended myself against Shank, Lizzie, Mags, William, Mason, Gage, Savoy, Nisha, Dixie and a buuuuunch of other raiders that never told me their names.”

“Um, excuse me, Overboss.” Harvey finally spoke up. “What about the people they enslaved, my friends back at the market?”

“They can stay! Unlike those meanies, they are good people. The raiders deserved what they got, you people don’t.”

He let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Overboss.”

“The raiders are gone, silly; there is no ‘Overboss’ anymore, just your friendly neighborhood Pinkie Pie!”

“I see then. Thank you for everything. I’m going to check on them.” With that, Harvey walked through the entrance and disappeared into Nuka-Town.

“So you just wiped out three entire raider gangs in their home turf all on your own, using nothing but bottles of Nuka-Cola? Imagine telling that story to other people, they would laugh their asses off.” The speedster commented.

“What about you guys, what are you doing here? How are the others?”

“We came lookin’ for ya, Pinkie, to make sure yer still alive and kickin’. Sunset is travelin’ the Commonwealth doin’ her own thing, Rarity opened a clothing store in Bunker Hill and Fluttershy is buddyin’ up with a family of deathclaws.”

“Ohhhh! Wait, what about Twilight?”

“To be honest with ya, sugarcube, we have no clue.”

“Oh…” Pinkie Pie’s good mood suddenly vanished and her hair deflated a little bit. “I hope she’s ok.”

“We’ll find her, don’t worry about it!” Dash patted her pink friend on the back. “What about you, are you coming back with us to the Commonwealth?”

“Maybe later. Right now I still have a lot of things I want to do. For example” she pointed at a large building on top of a hill in the distance “that’s the Nuka-World power plant; the main power is turned off and the place crawling with feral ghouls. I want to go in there and turn the power back on, that way the park will be operational again and I can go on all the rides I want!”

“Sounds good. Just don’t have too much fun, or you might get too attached and not want to go back home.”

“Are you KIDDING ME?!” Pinkie Pie suddenly shouted, startling her friends. “Of course I want to go home, who wouldn’t want to? I’m using this place to cope with my situation, I hate all of this! I hate the wasteland, I hate that I can’t go for a walk without getting attacked by wild creatures or shot at by bandits, I hate this infertile land that can’t grow anything edible forcing us to rely on food that is over 200 years old, I hate the fact that almost everything I eat has a chance of giving me radiation poisoning, and above all else I HATE killing people.” By then, tears were streaming down her face. “I don’t want to do it, but they leave me no choice. If I don’t kill them they will kill me. If I run or let them walk away, they will find someone else to kill. This place is a nightmare! I just want to go home!” She fell to her knees, covered her face with both hands and began to sob. “I just want to go home…”

“It’s ok, sugarcube, we know how ya feel.” Applejack kneeled next to her and pulled her friend into a hug. “We’ll find our way back home, then we’ll come back here to pick you up an’ we can all go home together. How’s that sound?”

The two of them stood up, Pinkie drying her tears with the sleeve of her Nuka-Girl costume. “Sounds like a dream.” Her smile returned to her face. “But with less cupcakes than my usual dreams have.” Applejack and Rainbow Dash smiled back. “I better go now, the sooner I bring the power back on, the sooner I can ride one of those rockets in Nuka-Galaxy!” Pinkie Pie skipped away back into the park. “And don’t forget to come pick me up before you storm the Institute, I want to help!”

“Wait, how do you know about that?” Rainbow Dash asked, but Pinkie Pie had already gone back inside. She shrugged. “Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie, I suppose.”

The two girls turned around and walked back to the station.


Author's Note

Yes, Pinkie Pie was singing the actual Nuka-World theme song.

Also I liked the idea of Pinkie Pie dressed as Nuka Girl, so I decided to make it a real thing. Behold:

Source


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