Just Another Day in Equestria
Twilight ate a book.
Starlight, after mind-washing Diamond Tiara, said, "why did you eat the book?"
Twilight shrugged as she slouched in her throne. "It was made of pandas."
"Ah, I see," Starlight said as she pat Diamond Tiara on the head. "Pandas are an excellent source of phosphorus." She looked at Diamond. "Isn't that right?"
Diamond nodded. "Just because you mind-washed me doesn't mean I'll do your bidding."
"Starlight." Twilight rubbed her face. "What did we say about mind-washing ponies."
"Legally, she isn't a pony." She patted Diamond's back. "And after Spoiled rented her out to me for a few hours, she's also legally my property."
Twilight groaned and levitated another book over. "If you knew anything about Equestrian law, you'd know that you can't own ponies."
"Diamond, make me a sandwich." Diamond nodded and walks towards the bookshelf. "Anyway, seeing as how I do own Diamond Tiara, that makes you wrong." She pulled out a slip of paper. "See? It's all in this contract!"
Twilight put down her half-finished book—threads of saliva sticking to the table—grasped the contract in her glow, and perused it. "Nothing in here is remotely legal." She looked up at Starlight. "If I'm being extremely generous, you just paid Spoiled to babysit Diamond."
Both mares looked over at where a book landed.
"Could you stand on that book?" Diamond asked from the top of the library ladder.
"Absolutely," Starlight said as she did what Diamond requested. "I'm going to choose to believe that this is going to help you make the best sandwich."
"Mhm."
"Anyway," Twilight said as she gave the contract to Starlight and continued with her book, "you should probably hold onto that for evidence."
"Evidence for what?" Starlight asked as a book landed next to her followed by what she confused for a filly swearing, which was patently ridiculous. Fillies don't swear.
Twilight took a big meaty crunch out of the book. "I've been drawing up a case to have Spoiled arrested for generally being an awful pony, but she keeps slipping out of charges by abusing obscure centuries-old laws that frankly don't apply in today's society."
Another book landed, followed by that weird filly-swearing sound. "Like what?"
Twilight shook her head. "It's too much to get into, and frankly irrelevant? Past failures are only useful in securing tomorrow's success." Another crunch. "I read that off of one of Spike's motivational posters and decided to co-opt it for my personal use."
"That's a pretty badass line." Starlight smirked.
"I know, right?" Spike said as he flitted in and dropped a stack of papers in front of Twilight. "Here's today's royal… uh… things you need to sign."
Twilight put the book down as another book flew by Starlight. "Not now, Spike. I'm trying to get Spoiled Rich arrested."
Spike looked at Starlight, then Diamond, still fiddling up on the ladder, then at Twilight. "It looks like you should be arresting Starlight."
"Is it that obvious?" Starlight asked, a nervous chuckle peppering her speech.
Twilight pointed at Spike. "I'm not arresting Starlight. The only reason she mind-washed Diamond was because she was under the false pretense that Diamond Tiara was her property due to a rental agreement drawn up by one Spoiled Rich."
Spike cradled his chin as he hovered. "... which is illegal because ownership of ponies is explicitly prohibited, and drawing up that contract implied that Spoiled Rich owns Diamond Tiara."
"Exactly." Twilight picked up her book and took a bite out of it.
"Why are you eating that book, Twi?" Spiked asked, eyebrow raised.
"It's made of pandas."
Spike looked at Starlight.
"Pandas are high in phosphorus!" She said as another book flew by her head.
Spike looked at Diamond, who definitely swore as she poked around the bookshelf. "Why is she up there?"
Starlight pointed at Diamond. "She's making me a sandwich!"
"How exactly is she making you a sandwich all the way up there?"
"I don't know." Starlight shook her head. "But she's rich so she must be way smarter than I am, so I'm not going to question it."
"Technically, her parents are rich," Twilight said, now having put the book down and getting to the difficult task of reading and signing things. "Knowing her family, though, she has a trust fund somewhere, but I doubt that would tie into the net worth/intelligence factor because it's inaccessible."
Starlight pursed her lips and blinked. "But… but Spoiled told me that Diamond was smart because she was rich." Starlight took a breath. "That was the whole reason I rented her and not Snails!"
Twilight looked up, a glint in her eye. "Wait, she's renting out other foals?" she asked as a smile crept upon her face. "This smells like equine trafficking!" Twilight shot out of her seat and did a little dance interspersed with hoof pumps. "Spoiled is dead to rights!"
"See," Starlight said, "she said Snails wasn't very smart but he had a strong back, so he'd be better for manual—ow!"
Starlight was cut off by a book getting stuck on her horn as Diamond slid down the ladder and trotted up to Starlight. "There," Diamond said, "I made you a sandwich."
Starlight tapped the book on her horn gingerly, looking around until she spotted the book she was standing on. She gave Diamond a dumb grin and waggled a hoof at her.
"Ah ha ha, we have a smartass here." She stepped off of the book and patted Diamond on the shoulder. "You know, you're the first pony to find that workaround." Starlight chuckled. "I think you have a future as a possible apprentice."
"Whatevs." Diamond said. "Now can you undo the mind-washing so I can go home? At least until Twilight exposes my mother's child trafficking ring?"
"Absolutely!" Starlight's horn glowed. "Now your mind is as dirty as it was before!"
"That's what she said."
Starlight and Diamond shared a giggle as Twilight was busy sending Celestia a pile an arrest warrant via Spike, the day having gone as well as anyone could have hoped for.
