The Mayhem Mystery of Mayor Mare
They say the sea is an endless void of mystery held within a single pony. And a single pony’s mystery is held within the sea.
Good evening, dear listeners, and welcome to Ponyville.
Our little town is beautiful; our little town is great! No town is perfect, of course. But we’re better than those no-good four-shoes over in Appaloosa. Appaloosa, can’t do anything right! Am I right, listeners?
The City Council has asked me to remind you that Hearth’s Warming is cancelled this year. The day is completely removed from the calendar. So don’t celebrate it! Anypony caught trying to celebrate will be arrested immediately by Celestia’s Secret Police for celebrating a holiday that doesn’t exist! Celebrating non-existent holidays is a crime. But not to worry, Ponyville, Hearth’s Warming will resume the following year, but the date remains TBD; it may or may not happen after Hearth’s Warming Eve. More on this story as it develops.
Other things that don’t exist and are unknowable: candy corn, alfalfa pellets, purple, the sky, and let’s not forget to forget… bridges. All bridges are banned in Ponyville after the City Council discovered they were the work of dark magic. ‘How dark?’ you ask. Very dark magic. Very, very dark. Magic so dark, no pony could see into their own minds. Magic so incredibly dark that they form sensory deprivation chambers where ponies literally and figuratively go insane. Bridges are evil! Stupid bridges.
Ponies have since been quite comfortable with simply throwing each other over river crossings, blasting out of the new crossing cannons, or swimming. It’s better when considering the alternatives. Pegasus should be advised that rivers are no-fly zones, and should use one of the mentioned methods of crossing all creeks, streams, rivers, lakes, oceans, or even mud puddles. ‘It’s best not to risk it,’ says the City Council.
Secret Police asked me to remind you, by signalling me with complex sequences of light flashes, as they do, that carts are to be driven by foals only. Stallions and mares are banned from driving carts. Because who can forget the great crash at the disastrous Ponyville Derby? This is what happens, Ponyville, when foals aren’t driving!
In a hurry? Have your foal drive you. Don’t have a foal? No problem. Signal someone else's foal to drive you to Ponyville General where the City Council will issue you one.
And now… let’s have a look at traffic.
There are roads in Ponyville... A rather new addition as ponies here didn’t believe roads existed until one simply showed up one day. Now they are everywhere! There are roads full of ponies. They are going… somewhere. But where are they going you might ask. No one knows… we didn’t think to ask.
In a street, a stallion with well-toned haunches stops to look up to the wonders above. A breeze blows only for him, making his mane casually flow about. He stands there with his strong stature, well toned-haunches, and his hourglass cutie mark.
‘Who is that majestic stallion with the mane blowing in the wind that blows only for him?’ passerbys ask. ‘Who is that majestic stallion, contemplating the very nature of existence in the middle of the road?’
No one knows… no one can know. He is unknowable, because no one can know what they don’t know.
This has been traffic.
And now, dear listeners, the Mayor has asked me to remind you all that the Golden Oaks Library has been obliterated. It had been gone for some time now, of course. We’ve all forgotten because after a massive rainbow explosion, a castle appeared in town. But now ponies are getting back into the swing of things, and aren’t so easily distracted. Castles are a naturally occurring phenomenon anyway, and aren’t all that interesting.
The library was destroyed in a horrible accident and not in any kind of magical duel with creatures from other realms… Any pony with any memories of any magical duels are required to report to Ponyville General for immediate memory erasure and soul replacement.
Any pony caught with memories they shouldn’t… well, I shudder to tell you, dear listeners… but it is my job to report the facts for our beloved little town— any pony caught with memories they shouldn’t, shall be sentenced to twenty-three life sentences… on the moon. Death is prohibited.
Your trial will be secret to you and everypony else, and the verdict will be guilty. So head on down to Ponyville General and get those memories blasted away. They aren’t real anyways. They were implanted by Changeling infiltrators.
Speaking of Mayor Mare… it turns out she was never elected, and she doesn't actually exist. She is part of a shared delusion we all simply accept. So, our interns did some digging, and it turns out there’s no record of an election ever happening here. She has always just been here, much like Ponyville. In fact, there’s no record of Ponyville having a mayor. And, dear listeners, you know Ponyville prides itself on its record keeping archives. They date all the way back to Ponyville’s first petition: to have the moon blasted out of the night sky for being too bright.
The petition was shot down by Princess Celestia. It was literally shot down out of the sky as it flew to her in the shape of a paper plane. She reminded us that petitions were forbidden, and that democracy was an elaborate scheme cooked up in Changeling labs to divide loyalties. She reminded us that she created the moon for ponies who were disloyal to the sun, and that it’s so bright to remind us all that it’s there, watching us. She told us that under her rule we’re to remain classless and free, but we’re still peasants as far as she can see. Whatever that means… royal ponies are so enigmatic sometimes—
Oh! Dear listeners! A red envelope has just appeared on my desk. It’s from… the Secret Police. Inside is a letter. It says, ‘Mayor Mare’s election records are sealed and secret. Stop talking about the Mayor’s election. Elections aren’t real!’ —oh. I, um, probably shouldn’t have read that over the air…
Not to worry! Let’s go to a word from our sponsors! Let the subliminal messages of our sponsor’s advertisements wash over your heads, and forget all about secret elections and mayors…
“Well howdy there folks! Are you tired of eating stinkin’ pears and nasty grass hay? We have the best apples in Equestria! Stop by Sweet Apple Acres and buy some apples! It’s the law!
“Here is some low ritual chanting to remind y’all.
“Apples! Apples! Apples! Apples! Buy some… apples! Eat only apples!”
And now, dear listeners, let us take a look at foreign affairs.
Yakyakistan is a place.
This has been foreign affairs.
I just received a report about Big Mac, you know… the farmer? Well he’s just informed the City Council that little Apple Bloom has performed the Zap Apple ritual, and we will certainly have a large supply of Zap Apple jam this year. Thanks, Apple Bloom; you’re a true Ponyvillian.
A new report just came in from the town’s local Background Pony. You know, the mint-green one with the lyre cutie mark? The one everypony seems to forget about and can’t remember her name or face? That pony has just reported seeing—seeing… something—what was I talking about? My mind is completely blank.
More words from our sponsors.
“Live long and dash apples. Live long and dash apples! Live long and dash apples! Live long and dash apples! LIVE LONG AND DASH APPLES! LIVE LONG AND DASH APPLLLLLLLLEEEEEES!”
Well, I don’t know about you, dear listeners, but I’m really craving some apples right now.
In other news, I have last-minute announcements from the Mayor. Mayor Mare has cancelled tomorrow. Tomorrow is rescheduled for yesterday, and yesterday is rescheduled for now. So, Ponyville, be sure to make the mandatory corrections to your City Council issued calendars.
And now, Ponyville, comes the time of night when I must say good night. And as you fall asleep tonight and dream of what life could be… as you dream of far off places that Celestia has confirmed actually exist, remember to visit any and all ponies having the same dream. Should you see Luna, just remember that she isn’t real, and most likely a Changeling invader. Be sure to report any anomalies like Luna to the Secret Dream Police.
Good night, Ponyville, and sweet dreams. Good night.
Super Serious Sanctioned Sun Celebration
In a world ruled by changelings, anyone could be anyone which means everyone is no one. And no one is most certainly two.
Good evening, dear listeners, and welcome to Ponyville.
Before I get to the news I must make a quick public service announcement. Run! Run! Run! Stop! Run! Those are the required Sun Celebration dance steps. Be sure to learn them. Mistakes won’t be tolerated.
Ponyville, it is my greatest pleasure to announce the beginning of the Sun Celebration! I for one am so excited. This is the greatest holiday ever! So be sure to be there! Attendance will be mandatory. Secret Police will be checking all homes, shops, and even looking under rocks for disloyal ponies. No moon worshiping cultists in my town!
In preparation for the Sun Celebration, ponyville has added more river crossing canons. Since no pony is legally allowed to be higher than Celestia, Ponyville has a strict no-fly zone policy in place. Pegasi have set up… clouds in convenient places to zap any pony out of the sky should they attempt to fly. Birds best stay clear.
The City Council has passed a new law. All unknowable ponies are unknowable by law. I’m sorry for the mint-green Background Pony. You know, the one with the lyre cutie mark? Whatever her name is… it’s illegal to know it now. So don’t ask her.
Oh, dear listeners, I’m getting a call. I’ll put it on the air for you all.
“Hello it’s L—!”
“It’s her. It’s Background Pony.”
“That is not my name. My name is L—! I don’t know why that is so hard, Just say L—!”
“Oh woah! We’re um, you’re breaking up. Hello? Hel—”
She’s gone. Few, that was close. I can’t believe she tried to break the law. Luckily the Secret Censors are working or we’d all be in trouble.
Let’s um, go to a commercial, to clear the air.
Do you need to dress to impress? I have exactly what you need. But you can’t afford it. No, really, darling, you cannot. Stop coming in! Go somewhere else! Just leave me alone with my dresses! They’re mine!
Shop at Rarity’s if you know what’s best for you!
We are back, dear listeners. While I was away the Secret Police have just informed me that a new pony is in town. And she is extremely dangerous. She has been here all but five minutes and is already complaining about the lack of a library—um hello, it got obliterated! Sheesh. Acting like library trees just grow anywhere. Some ponies… She also has crazy theories about Luna. Yep one of those. She is simply illegal. Her existence is against the law. We have no description of her, but she must be avoided at all costs. Even if you have to burn down your own house. So be on the lookout for someone who likes libraries and is probably a Luna cultist.
The Super Secret Police have just informed me that the Secret Police may not be cut-out for this new threat. Yep, ponies, you heard it here first. Gone are the simple days or worrying about Changelings who can look like literally anyone. It’s all conspiracies and Luna worshipers.
And now for a look at traffic. The skies are clear. Only one pegasus pony was zapped. She won’t be flying again. But fear not. The City Council has given her a scooter to get around on.
This has been traffic.
Listeners, we recently sent our interns out into the field for a bit of investigative journalism. They have not come back yet. More on this story as it develops.
And now for a closer look at—wait! I’m getting another message from the Secret Police. It says… Dragon.
Now there’s no need to panic. Dragon is probably just a name. The Secret Police like to tell me names sometimes with no explanation. It’s all part of the secrecy they tell me.
I’m now being told that Mayor Mare is holding an emergency press conference on Dragon. If I had any interns left, I’d gladly send them through the vortex into her office to get the scoop first hoof. Sadly they are still investigating the field.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Apples! Apples! Apples! Buy some apples! They make ya smarter like me!
Oh yeah? If you were so smart, Apple Bloom, then why are you still in school?
Hey, I’m there, but I like it! Maybe I’m just bored. Living on a farm there’s always nothing to do!
You’re failing your classes.
Are not!
Are too!
You’re just jealous, Sweetie Belle!
What in tarnation are you two fillies doing in this here magic commercial making room!
And now a history lesson about the first Sun Celebration and why no fly zones are important. Way back in the old days of old the ponies were commanded to worship the sun and praise Celestia. So they all attended a celebration in her honor. One pegasus was hovering a little higher than Celestia’s head. So, she took flight to get higher than him. He went higher with her. And she went even higher. Soon they were so high up, no pony could see. But when Celestia spoke in her royal Canterlot voice, it was so loud it leveled Old Ponyville.
No pony was too mad about it though. They were looking to tear down Old Ponyville so they could make another Ponyville ten feet to the left. And since no one wants to move Ponyville in this day and age, we must enact strict no fly zones.
This has been history.
And now, dear listeners, we must end early for the Sun Celebration. Be there, or be exiled!
Good night, Ponyville, and worship the sun. It’s the law!
