“What happens next?”
Absentia. In Absentia, a legal term, used most frequently in discussion of the absence of a body. Death in Absentia.
“I’m not sure,” she said gently. Age had brought her gentleness, something no one had dreamt would happen to her when she had been her younger, firebranded self. No, Rainbow Dash was not one to be gentle. At least, she hadn’t been, before she began working for the factory. Before the factory had been destroyed.
That was a long time ago, now.
“Are you dead?”
Rainbow chuckled. “Honestly? Sometimes? I think I am. I think I have been for a long time. But then, when I close my eyes and try to will myself to let go? I realize… I just. I'm scared to go to sleep.”
Somewhere nearby, something wailed in pain, but it was quickly comforted. Comfort came quick now for it. Another thing age brought.
“Are you tired of me yet?”
“Oh, Scoots, I’ve been tired of you for years.” Rainbow barked out a laugh, one broken from tragedy. It had been broken for so long. The breeze that brushed her hair past her face, artificial as it might be, still brought her the slightest, smallest bit of relief. It gave her the slightest bit of feeling. “I’ve been tired of this for years. I’ve just been… tired. Period.”
“I am not Scootaloo.”
“You’ve told me.” Rainbow sighed gently and shut her eyes, lying back into the grass under her, spreading out her wings. “Too many times.”
The monster rested in the grass.
“Why are you upset?”
“Huh?”
“You’re crying.”
Rainbow Dash opened her eyes again and rubbed her cheek. She was. She begrudgingly smiled and shook her head. “I’m not upset,” she whispered, rubbing her eyes. “For once. Heh.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“It’s the end. I’m finally done. I’m relieved, but I’m not. I hate myself, but I don’t. I want to live, but I don’t.” She huffed and grinned. “Rainbow Dash, Head Manager, Employee ID #501, and the so called Element of Loyalty.” She looked at the open, bright blue sky. “The world’s biggest bundle of confusing hypocritical things.”
There was silence for a short time, so long as she ignored the sobbing in the distance. She’d gotten better at ignoring the sobbing. The wind didn’t whistle, and the grass certainly made no noise. There was no birdsong, though it certainly seemed that there should be on a gorgeous day like this. Sadly, all of the birds had flown already.
Cleared skies. Flown birds. Fallen Rainbow.
“Why did the Alicorn visit again?”
“Twilight?” Rainbow smiled a little. “You remember Twilight, Scoots, don’t even pretend you don’t.” No response came. Rainbow sighed and rolled her eyes. “The uh. The doctors were arguing about letting me out. Again.”
Screaming. Something was screaming with a fury. Rainbow stayed quiet until it was finished. Then she sighed once again, this time to relax her frayed nerves. “I argued back. Told them to leave me alone. You’d think they’d get the message by now.”
“Why did the Alicorn visit?”
“She cared. She wanted to help me, all this time, y’know?” She paused. “She kept reminding them that I need space. I'm a mental patient, after all. It’s been so many years, and they still didn’t listen to her. Not until she ordered them. Feels like an abuse of power.” A laugh. “I should know all about that.”
There was another brief pause. “Are you content?”
Rainbow had to take quite some time to think about her response. Her short hair shifted as a harsher breeze swept past. She sat up enough to let the breeze run through her wings, to feel that rush of flight without even flying. She didn’t fly, anymore. It made her sick to try. She struggled to think as the breeze went through. It was harder to think in this place.
“No,” she finally said. “I can’t be. Not anymore. No matter how good this place is, no matter how… relieved I am, now. I can’t be content ever again.”
There was silence again and Rainbow smiled a little. She felt more tears starting to roll down her face. “I think I deserve more time.”
“More?”
“More.” She laughed again, sniffing. “You know, this place? Weird enough as it is, it’s. It’s home. You’re my home, Scoots.”
There came no reply to that, but there didn’t need to be one. Rainbow kept laughing, looking down at the grass as her tears bubbled up, forming streams on her cheeks. “For. For so, so long, I just wanted out. I wanted to get out of here. I was so. So scared when it first happened. I was so scared, and I knew, I knew I would never feel relief. I would be haunted, forever, and it would never end.”
“And I tried. By Celestia, I tried! Never a sharp enough object around, never a single thread to choke on. Tied down to myself and captured, and I felt the shackles on me every second of every day, even when I didn’t even have on a straightjacket!” She wept openly, something she hadn’t done in years. “And then, once I gave up, that’s when the doctors started talking about how sick I was. How they would help me get better. Only, by then, I knew. There’s no better after what I’ve done. It never gets better after the things I’ve done.”
Pain. So much pain. She could feel it in her bones as they protested her movement. Her ribs ached and cried out.
“I wanted to escape. That’s what I wanted. But then, I wanted to free you. I thought… If I could just die… You would be free.” She held her head as it screamed again, screaming in her head, all around her. Wailing. “I was dead, really I was, but I can’t remember when I died. And all the time, people were telling me I would live again. That I would live again as soon as I learned to talk again, as soon as I rewrote all of my thinking for the past few years. How could they think that, when I couldn’t even tell you my own name?!”
Silence. A light breeze. "I deserve more of this stillness," she whispered. "More of this torture."
She could feel the grass on her hooves. Rainbow smiled her bittersweet smile, her tears slowing now that her outburst was done. “... Sorry. I just. Had to get that out. It’s all coming out now, right? It has to.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know. I know you don’t. You didn’t live long enough to understand. And it’s all my fault.”
“Your words are confusing me.”
“I’m a train wreck, huh?” Laughter. “It’s… It’s time. Okay? Time moves so slowly, but it’s time now, and we have to accept that.”
“... I’m scared.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to die.”
“You already have.”
“I know. But I was alone. Dying alone is so scary. And now I’m going to be alone again.”
Rainbow Dash looked at her hooves. She gulped and breathed as gently as she could. She wanted to calm down. She wanted to go peacefully. Her life had already had so much anger and vitriol. She needed to leave peacefully, make the transition easier. It’s what she deserved.
“You won’t be alone.”
“You can’t know that!”
“I know, I know, I can’t. But neither can you!”
There was silence after that. Rainbow gulped again. “Scoots?” She grinned. “I’m here, okay?”
“That doesn’t provide as much comfort as you think.”
“I know.” She sighed and shut her eyes, holding herself. “I am, though. I’ll be here for you. I-I know… I wasn’t before. And I’m sorry. I… Dear Celestia. If I could go back-”
“We’ve done this routine. Nothing you can say can make this better.”
“Right. Yeah. I just… Part of me feels like… At the end of everything. There has to be something to say, some kind of words, to make this… easier.”
“Is there anything left to say?”
“... Maybe not. Maybe this is me grasping for straws. But we were sisters, once. I turned my back on you. I was loyal, but I chose the wrong ones to be loyal to. I stayed completely true to myself and who I was, and I… I still messed it all up.”
Silence for a long while after that comment. Rainbow Dash opened her eyes again, feeling… tired. Per usual, right? She laid back in the grass. It tickled her fur, just lightly.
Laughter. Far off, a small little giggle of joy.
“It’s almost time, I think.” Rainbow blinked. “It’s hard to tell, in here.”
“Everything is hard in here.”
“That’s true. But… Well. Here isn’t lasting much longer. It’ll be gone when…”
“Yeah.”
Rainbow stood and looked around. It was a gorgeous field. A lone tree stood in the field. Rainbow still wasn’t sure why there was a tree there. But hey, it wasn’t like she could understand everything in the world. Sometimes, things just… happen.
“Hey Scoots?” Another pause. “Before… Before this is done.” She smiled gently, exhaustedly, looking at the sky. “I just wanted to know if I would ever hear your voice again.”
“No.” The response was immediate.
“Yeah. I kinda figured. I’ve been talking to myself for long enough to recognize that fact.” She breathed softly and shut her eyes, unwilling to acknowledge the fact that Scootaloo wasn’t beside her. That she was alone, a monster in solitary with only the voices of Absentia locked in her head as a reminder of her crimes. “Then why don’t we go on one last flight? Low to the ground. Before… Before I leave. Before you’re free?”
“Why?”
“Because… I.” Rainbow Dash paused. What was the purpose of flying? What was the point? It made her sick, it brought up so many painful memories.
”They think they can beat the two of us?” Rainbow Dash grinned as Scootaloo buzzed her wings.
“I loved you,” Rainbow said gently. “Once upon a time, I loved you. Once upon a time, there was a stupid mare and a great kid, and the stupid mare listened to the majority. Listened to those she thought knew better, and she didn’t ever question it. She ignored logic because it was easy. And she hurt so, so many people. And when it came time to fess up to the one she loved, when it came time to change things and accept the consequences… She didn’t. And she just ran from the problem. And it ended up hurting everyone even worse.”
“I’m sorry, Sc… Absentia. I’m sorry. And I know, I know they’re… They’re empty words. I know I can never repair the damage I’ve done. But you can at least pass on knowing that you were right. And knowing that I will pass on knowing that fact too.”
“... Rainbow Dash?”
She blinked. It had never said her name before.
“... Let’s… Let’s fly. One last time.”
“Yeah?”
She smiled gently and looked at the endless sky. “Yeah. I’m ready. It’s time to fly us out of here.”
She prepared herself. She spread her wings, and off they went. And yes, there was pain, an aching agonizing pain that only traumatic events can cause, the pain of both mind and body and of panic. But there was also beauty, and in some cases, even forgiveness.
And Absentia, and all she contained, passed on into the welcoming hands of the stars.
Author's Note
Brief explanation, for those curious: Rainbow Dash spend a few years fighting against the Absentia that possessed her. It didn't work. So finally, she gave up trying to fight, and just let it haunt her. The doctors took Rainbow Dash's lack of outbursts to mean that she had a chance at recovery from whatever was causing her to have her hallucinations and tried to help her. Rainbow Dash didn't want help, though, now believing she deserved this fate. She tried to kill herself in order to free the Absentia and herself. Twilight helped her as much as she could, never wanting to leave her friend.
In this fiction, Rainbow Dash has finally died from the Absentia finally draining the Spectra from her body. It took years, because Rainbow has an unnaturally high amount of Spectra. However, Rainbow is still young to be dying so soon. It's unexpected for everyone else, but it happens. This conversation happens to Rainbow in her last dream. All dialogue is herself speaking, but it's also Absentia speaking. Rainbow Dash doesn't ever hear the Absentia's voice. It speaks through her. The most she hears is impressions of memories from others.
At the very end, Rainbow Dash herself has become Absentia, and then Absentia finally, finally finds rest.
Inspired by This Is Home and a comment from Superfun on Absentia. Thanks for the burst of creative energy!
