Blood, Tears, and Friendship
The deep yellow girl looked down at what she had done. Her lips quivered. I can’t tell them this, she thought, I just can’t. She sighed as the tears that had made her beautiful blue irises their home returned. She ran a hand through her shoulder length gold and red hair. It’s supposed to blaze like the sun, she thought, so…why does it feel like I’ve been put out? Is there anything else out there for me? Anything at all? Anyone?
She was tired and sad, but she found that even the company of her friends did not help her. Perhaps the years she had spent beating up the weak and helpless had done this to her. Even though she had been redeemed in the eyes of everyone else, she had yet to forgive herself. She had tried. She had written songs about it, she had been reassured countless times of it, yet she still could not forgive herself. Even though the words “my past does not define me” had been her own, she still found it difficult living daily with the memories.
So she had found solace in another friend, that of the kitchen butter knife. The blood it drew seemed to comfort her in a twisted way, almost as if she were being forgiven through pain. A dark part of her wished that the weak people she had tormented would return and beat her and throw her against the lockers of the school. In a twisted way, she thought that might bring some closure. It was cathartic to think this way, but dangerous all the same. But still, she found comfort in the thoughts. Maybe then I could be set free, she thought, maybe then…I could be forgiven.
She silently got up and threw on her leather jacket, the one with the long sleeves that covered her multitudes of scars. She never dared remove it, for fear that someone would see the marks and question their origin. She made her way out of the small apartment that the sweat of her brow paid for every month. Since she was originally from Equestria, she had no human family to call her own. So she lived alone, and thought of her friends as being her family. But even they can’t tell me that what I did was completely erased, she thought, even after all we’ve been through together, I know that there are still pieces left to pick up…and I’m picking them up.
She arrived at the brick façade that sheltered the educational institute she attended. It was a sunny day, and she lightly touched the rough surface. It was warm, but not burning, and she found the heat soothing. She managed a small smile as her dermis was reinvigorated. A bird chirped sweetly overhead, and she looked up at it. It seems so happy, she thought, I wish I could be that happy. I wish all of my smiles were real. I wish I could be a better friend. Then, suddenly, her mind became thick with the demented nature she had experienced for so long. I wish the past would just disappear! I am nothing in this world! I wish…I WISH I WERE DEAD!
As her mind did a violent turn into darkness, she sank to her knees and began sobbing against the wall. Her tears stained the hardened clay and mortar in front of her and, pulling back, she found that they were what she deserved. “After everything,” she said out loud, “I just want it to be over. Please…take my pain. I’ve done everything wrong. Take my pain…and destroy me.”
Her plea went unanswered and she rose back to her feet as approaching footsteps commanded her to. She turned and saw her bright purple friend, Twilight Sparkle, standing there. At least her smile was genuine. Oh…how I wish I could have a smile like that! Sunset yearned. But she put on the fake one and gave Twilight a hug. “Good morning, Twilight!” She said with all the cheeriness she could muster. But then she noticed that Twilight’s smile wasn’t where it normally was. Instead, in its place, was a frown of concern.
“Sunset, we need to talk.”
Sunset’s breathing became rapid, and her heart felt as if it were running a marathon. Sweat began squeezing its way out of her pores and running down her face. “W…what about?” She stammered.
“We invited you to Rarity’s birthday party last night, but you didn’t come. That’s the third consecutive outing you’ve missed! Something’s wrong, Sunset, and I want you to know that we’re here for you, no matter what.”
“Nothing’s wrong!” Sunset lied, “I just had a lot of homework to catch up on.”
“That’s a lie, and you know it,” Twilight said, “why can’t you just tell me the truth?”
“I…I…” Sunset stuttered. Her jacket was still on. Her scars were covered. So why did it feel like they were out in the open, screaming at Twilight? Why did it feel like her self-loathing and self-harm testified against her? Twilight was the judge, jury, and executioner in this case, and Sunset felt as if she could never speak to her again should the truth be revealed.
“Sunset,” Twilight said, “I can’t force you to tell me the facts. But what I can do is offer a friendly shoulder for you to cry on.”
“Cry on?”
“I’ve seen your behavior lately,” Twilight said, “and, frankly, it violates a lot of what I know about you. You’ve been distant and depressed, you’ve lashed out at Ms. Cheerilee and Principal Celestia, and, as much as I hate to sound like a snoop, I’ve seen you write some really dark stuff in your notebook. I’ve seen you write about how you want the ‘sweet embrace of death’ to finally envelop you. Sunset…something is definitely wrong, and I want to help.”
“You can’t help,” Sunset finally got out, “nobody can help me.”
“That’s not true!” Twilight said desperately, having finally broken through her friend’s stone wall, “we’re your friends, Sunset. We live to help you. Now, come on and tell me what’s wrong.”
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?! You try living my life and then tell me what’s wrong! It’s so fucking obvious!”
“Sunset, calm down! There’s no need to swear!”
“I’m so sorry, Twilight…I…I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON!”
Sunset finally broke down and began crying into Twilight’s embrace. The purple girl didn’t know what to say, so she just rubbed Sunset’s shoulder and tried her best to comfort her. Sunset’s sobs were heartbreaking, and Twilight felt tears of her own begin to well up. She fought them back and tried to remain strong for her friend. She immediately knew that this all stemmed from Sunset’s evil past and her struggle to instill confidence in herself and make friends outside of their group. A lot of people saw the happy, kind, and sweet Sunset. Twilight saw the Sunset behind the mask, a lonely, depressed, unhappy person with thoughts of death almost daily.
“Sunset,” Twilight said as she pulled away and looked her friend in the eyes, “I can’t speak for you, because I’m not in your place. But what I do know is just how strong our friendship is. You are NOT alone, do you hear me? You are NOT alone. What happened back then is what happened back then. It’s gone. We’ve all forgiven you…so why can’t you forgive yourself?”
“I wanted to hurt people and ponies,” Sunset sobbed, “and now all I want to do is hurt myself! I deserve it!”
“No, you don’t!” Twilight said, “you don’t deserve any of the torture you’re putting yourself through! We’re all here to help you!”
“What in tarnation’s goin’ on here?” A voice suddenly drawled.
The two girls looked up to see the rest of their friends standing there. They all looked deeply concerned at the scene before them. “I see frowny faces,” Pinkie Pie declared, “and I don’t like frowny faces! Come on! Cheer up!”
“Pinkie,” Twilight said, “this needs to happen.”
“Aw…but I threw a splendiferous, fantastic, abso-tivo-lutely fun party last night! Come on, you all had fun, didn’t you?!”
“And in case you hadn’t noticed, somebody wasn’t there,” Twilight said solemnly, “and she hasn’t exactly been forthcoming with us about what’s been going on in her life lately.”
“Darling…whatever’s the matter?” Rarity asked, noticing Sunset’s tears, “whatever it is, we’re here for you.”
“You’ve got friends, Sunset,” Twilight said, “now all you need to do is let go of what happened.”
“I just can’t!” Sunset cried, “I nearly killed and enslaved so many!”
“But that was the old you!” Rainbow Dash said, “and the new you is WAY cooler, like 20% cooler!”
“I think she’s even cooler than that,” Fluttershy said, smiling, “I think she’s 100% cooler!”
“See, Sunset?” Twilight asked, “we’re your friends, no matter what. I know things have been rough lately, but I promise that there’s a brighter side to this. Listen, I saw you take your jacket off once, and I know about the plethora of scars on your arms. But that’s not you! Those scars are not you! What you are is a wonderful, kind, compassionate, caring friend that anyone would be proud to know. We love you, Sunset…and nothing in the world could ever tear our friendship apart.”
Sunset was suddenly surrounded by her friends, but they weren’t acting as they usually did. She noticed that they each had their own set of tears, and she realized that they were weeping for her. She recognized that her past had indeed been washed away, and she had the friends and the bonds of their sisterhood to prove it. The scars I bear cannot define me, she said as she felt their warmth soothe her battered mind, and I will not let them. My friendships define me. I define me. It may take some time…but I know I can come back from this. She smiled as she felt their group embrace tighten, and for the first time in a long while, her smile was genuine.
Author's Note
This was the most emotional thing I've ever written. As someone who lives with a form of Asperger's and social difficulties, I know what it's like to spend many days and nights feeling like you're alone. But I also know what it's like to have something to live for. I feel like we all do, no matter what. Please, if you're battling with the same kind of thoughts Sunset was in the story, I implore you to find someone who truly cares for you and talk with them. Get their help with it. There are people out there for you. I promise.
The song "Under Your Scars" by Godsmack is a beautiful track, not only in its music, but in its message as well. You don't have to let your scars define you. As always, thanks for reading, and I truly and honestly hope that this helps someone.
