To: Anon, From HRH Sunbutt.

by Snow

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human, Anthology, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random
Length: 30040

Celestia responds to the friendship lessons penned on behalf of her faithful student by the newest ponyville weirdo.

When Anon takes the liberty to inject his particular brand of humor into Twilight's friendship lessons, Celestia feels the need to respond, more often than not.

A somewhat unofficial sisterfic to 2Merr's Dear Princess Sunbutt

There may not be a response to every letter, and letters 1-11 were taken from my comments in said sister-story.

Please support 2Merr's story too if you like this one. This is written with encouragement of the original author.

(Note: Picture used without permission from Derpibooru. Upon request it will be promptly removed.)

EDIT: Apparently someone's done a reading of this and its sisterfic over on Youtube! Why does nopony tell me these things.

Published 2019-09-29 15:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-12 20:11:34 UTC

From HRH Daymare, RE: Letter 44

Author's Note

Letter 44: Here.

Positive Reinforcement may or may not be the name of a large ash-wood bat.

From HRH Daymare, RE: Letter 44

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Salty is a 'gamer' term describing frustrated and annoyed, not the actual status of tasting or being coated in salt. Unless I am to take it that you were attempting to inebriate Anon. I had thought you were interested in miss Fluttershy?

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Monopony is one of those games that friends don't usually play together. Perhaps Ogres and Oubliettes might be to your favor? I believe your brother still paints figurines, so you might gain some advice from him.

PPS. I am fairly certain Shining Armor's therapist is encouraging neutral light conversation with you again. Cadence will be present, and she'll be bringing Positive Reinforcement.

From HRH High Noon, RE: Letter 45

Author's Note

Letter 45: Here.

From HRH High Noon, RE: Letter 45

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I admit Twilight, normally I would give affirming advice about the lesson you learned and if needed suggestions to further your learning, but this is just so... you that I cannot offer any further input. You are, at times, utterly adorable Twilight.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. I am perhaps surprised you weren't giving out sundials instead.

From HRH Celantro, RE: Letter 50

Author's Note

Letter 50: Here.

From HRH Celantro, RE: Letter 50

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Admittedly that is a euphemism I haven't actually heard of before. Speaking as somepony with a great many embarrassing or painful memories in her past, however, I feel I may offer you some advice.

In life, Twilight, there are times we wish we could do differently or do over. There's things we learn that make past actions seem terribly silly, or things we wish we did not know. That's okay, it happens to everypony. Just know that embarrassment and pain are temporary, and the growth you experience, the strengthening of your soul through these trials will stay with you always. The worst shall pass if you can let it, the best shall stay with you always. When it is our turn to go to the Summer Lands, we'll look back on the bad with the good and smile, knowing that we did our very best, and it is worth it for the wonderful times that we have had.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

From HRH Cellphone, RE: Letter 47

Author's Note

Letter 47: Here.

From HRH Cellphone, RE: Letter 47

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

First let me offer my well wishes to your hospital bed, and a swift recovery after a lesson well learned. Cadence admits she may have overdone it with her Positive Reinforcement, and Shining Armor only needed a very frank discussion with his wife to smooth things over. Both admit that perhaps it would be helpful if such knowledge was made explicitly known at some point for such a book-read mare as yourself, as it does not generally come up in casual conversation or during the usual sex-education offered to foals.

Cadence has offered to pay your medical bills this time (as she has inflicted most of the costs), and apologizes for the overreaction. She does however warn you that a repeat offense will be taken as an intentional sexual approach on your brother, and will see to your further education on the subject of 'love' and 'acceptable boundaries'. She will be utilizing Tough Love, Positive Reinforcement, and has been given special dispensation in such a circumstance to use TLC.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Tongue-kissing is probably bad too, just so you know.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 48

Author's Note

Letter 48: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 48

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

It is always difficult when the target of our romantic affections are unwilling or unable to return them in kind, and it is always harder when they are somepony already close to your heart even before physical attraction and romance are introduced. It saddens me on your behalf to know that you had to learn this lesson in this way, but it is very important to realize that our first loves rarely work out as we would desire, and the objects of our first desire rarely satisfy for long.

I encourage you to talk to Fluttershy about this - not as a means of convincing her to give you a 'chance' of course, if you have to change yourself so drasticly to make it even possibly work with another pony it isn't worth it - but to discuss your friendship, and try to take solace that even though she wasn't interested romantically, she was still interested in spending time with you.

If it helps, I have it on good authority that after the Gala fiasco, Rarity is willing to try a mare as a romantic partner at least. I'm not very certain that you could handle a relationship with Rainbow Dash, if in a physical sense if nothing else. Still, remember that the best kind of romances are natural, and grow toward something beautiful just by letting them.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. If in the meantime you just need to tend certain needs, your sister-in-law can probably reccomend some tools and literature for you and your particular tastes. As long as Shining Armor isn't involved, you don't need to worry.

Dear Anon,

We ponies are rather elastic aren't we? Shame about the minimum size requirement, wouldn't you think?

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

PS. Luna turned another interesting shade, but she did laugh.

From Tia, RE: Letter 48.1

Author's Note

Letter 48.1: Here.

I think this stays safely within the Teen rating. Makes me glad i pre-emptively tagged 'sex' though, even if none will be explicitly described.

From Tia, RE: Letter 48.1

Dear Anon,

Please remember to stop by the tourism center in Las Pegasus for a complimentary cloudwalking spell (and emergency parachute), and inoculations against most fluid-born pony diseases that may not be up to date.

This advice is for both yourself AND Twilight.

Oh and if you or Spike hybridize with anypony, be forewarned that there are very strict foal wellfare laws in place. Use protection!

Your friend,
Celestia

PS. Luna gives her blessing for you to... Well I shall paraphrase as 'Get some much-needed practice at a canter before trying for a gallop'.

From Tia, RE: Letter 48.2

Author's Note

Letter 48.2: Here.

From Tia, RE: Letter 48.2

Dear Anon,

I did warn you.

Twilight never did like needles though, assuming you even passed on the message.

Your friend,
Celestia

From HRH Sunroof, RE: Letter 49

Author's Note

Letter 49: Here.

From HRH Sunroof, RE: Letter 49

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

While I am very pleased you are perhaps trying to practice positive interactions with your brother and sister-in-law in a safe environment, I'm afraid that using props is not really sufficient to get the most out of the attempt. This is why we have therapists, Twilight. If nothing else it can help discuss appropriate topics of conversation with ponies with whom you have rendered yourself somewhat estranged. I will assume this is what you are trying to do rather than attempting to replace your actual family with 'safe' alternatives.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

Could I trust you to start powdering her prescriptions and hiding them in her morning coffee? It seems that she keeps refusing to take them and I'm worried about her mental state. I'll be visiting at some point in the near future to check in on everything.

If things deteriorate further with her mental well-being I may have to involve Twilight's parents.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Hotcheeks RE: Letter 2

Author's Note

Letter 2: Here.

From HRH Hotcheeks RE: Letter 2

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Honesty is one of the Elements for a reason, and while it can be sometimes difficult to know when it's alright to withhold one's true views, it is a very important skill I am pleased you are learning.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. I thank you for your most original and well-worded compliment. Once again your phrasing and vocabulary are at once expressive, and to the point.
PPS. I'm well aware of Twilight's proclivities. I did teach her for years, you know.

From HRH Cake'N'Bake, RE: Letter 3

Author's Note

Letter 3: Here.

From HRH Cake'N'Bake, RE: Letter 3

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Sometimes, we can underestimate our friends because of our preconceptions or assumptions we make on first impressions, and ponies often have real difficulties opening themselves to views to which they are unfamiliar. I am proud of you for learning such important and meaningful lessons.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Why yes, I rather do enjoy baking from time to time. The pinch of salt really brings out the flavor in most dishes, I find. And in response to your last question, why yes, I do rather enjoy purple, but only in measured amounts.

From HRH Matriarchy, RE: Letter 5

Author's Note

Letter 5: Here.

From HRH Matriarchy, RE: Letter 5

Dear Anon,

It may not be like it do, but it do be like it is sometimes.

... Seriously though when I asked my sister about her opinion of what actually happened, she started laughing, and merely laughs whenever I press her. I am becoming concerned. Did my student get into the giggle-grass again?

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Smacks-A-Thot, RE: Letter 6

Author's Note

Letter 6: Here.

From HRH Smacks-A-Thot, RE: Letter 6

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

It is always difficult to make our views understood and yet also understand the views of others when they differ from our own greatly. Sometimes a differing of opinion isn't easily overcome, and a mediator is needed. I am pleased you have learned this important lesson in communication and friendship, and I believe it will serve you well.

That being said, I admit concern and hope that you are not employing some of your more theoretical magical lessons in effort to prove a point in an argument.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Thank you Anon for your most recent suggestion, I do believe I will take it into very real consideration when next we meet, or perhaps before. I will also have you know that I simply enjoy a pastry or two after a long day.

From HRH Cellybelly, RE: Letter 7

Author's Note

Letter 7: Here.

From HRH Cellybelly, RE: Letter 7

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

What?

Love,
Princess Celestia.

Dear Anon,

No, seriously, what? What? ~~Twilight couldn't -- she shouldn't have been able--~~ I take all accusations of necromancy seriously and will be instructing local agents of the crown to report in immediately. If the problem recurs, please slip the pink package of sweetener into Twilight's tea or coffee, dependent upon time of day, and instruct the post office of 'Code bone meal'. Further instructions will be given.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Celigula(?), RE: Letter 9

Author's Note

Letter 9: Here.

From HRH Celigula(?), RE: Letter 9

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I'm glad to hear you learned such an important lesson in allowing ones preconceptions to color their view of others they have not yet met. Also I am pleased that you have managed to make amends for those erroneous preconceptions, and have made new and interesting friends, with unique insights and backgrounds. Perhaps you would like to visit for tea another time soon?

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I do not understand the reference but I am left imagining it to be rather insulting. I may or may not have deserved that in response to forcing off-brand coffee on you, admittedly. Luna has been rather harsh on the idea. Still, I'm glad you're finding amusements. Meanwhile I need to go make sure my student didn't insult any being important.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From Tia, RE: Letter 10

Author's Note

Letter 10: Here.

From Tia, RE: Letter 10

Dear Anon,

My sister and I are not to be called on to satisfy your boredom. That being said, this counts as a diplomatic meeting and gets me out of listening to Blueblood all day. We'll both be there. Oh and Luna says that while your dreams are flattering, ~~she doubts you are that well endowed.~~ she is not currently seeking a suitor at this time, but hopes to become friends.

See you shortly,
Celestia

From HRH Celestia, To A-SD-413 (Letter 13)

Author's Note

Letter 13: Here.

Some kind soul pointed out Pinkie is not mentioned. I considered leaving her out with the implication that it's the changelings that should fear her buuuut may as well add her.

From HRH Celestia, To A-SD-413 (Letter 13)

To Field Agent Sweetie Drops,
Also to active group 413,

Primary interest Purple Spackle is to be considered in the Green and should be treated as such immediately. Authorization for countermeasures A-1 through E-9 is given. Secondary objectives include the other targets Shush, Fruit, Rapid, Shiny, Bouncy, and Monkey. Tertiary objectives include, should this to be a false alarm, the removal of all caffeinated beverages from Twilight's home and a temporary royal Do Not Serve order on asset Monkey effective immediately for all caffeinated beverages in the next month.

Royal Guard squadrons will be en route within four hours of this communication, or upon request, whichever is sooner.

This message will self destruct.

Respond as soon as prudent,
HRH Celestia

From Tia, RE: Letter 13.5

Author's Note

Letter 13.5: Here.

From Tia, RE: Letter 13.5

Dear Anon,

Humor is well and good and I understand that you feel a need to have a bit of fun at the expense of others from time to time, but some pranks are both unsafe and unwise to perpetuate. I have taken the liberty of arranging for your punishment in advance should it have been discovered you were behind this.

The guards will remain for 72 hours as per standard procedure. I suggest you behave and act in accordance with your supposed 'fuckmonkey genius' until they leave, or I swear by my sister I will ensure you will never be allowed coffee in this country again.

Penned angrily by,
HRH Celestia

PS. I'm glad you and Twilight are alright.

From HRH Toasty Tush, RE: Letter 14

Author's Note

Letter 14: Here.

From HRH Toasty Tush, RE: Letter 14

Dear Ponyville General,

It has come to my concern that a royal asset may have exacerbated the injuries to one Rainbow Dash. Included is a royal voucher for the care of said Rainbow Dash should it require anything not covered under general Equestrian healthcare. Please include an itemized list. The funding will be taken from aforementioned asset's royal stipend, and at your leisure, you may demand and have enforced basic first aid lessons be attended by one Twilight Sparkle.

Her Royal Highness,
Princess Celestia, Raiser of the Sun, Defender of Equestria, etc. etc. et al.

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Knowing one's limits and careful practice of uncertain skills are indeed very important lessons which I am glad you are learning, but I do hope in the future you need not learn them at the expense of the well being of yourself or others. Twilight, should Rainbow Dash require any additional healthcare, it will be provided from your stipend, and you may be required to attend a basic unicorn's first aid course at your own expense from Ponyville General. Friendship is one thing, but I take very seriously the well-being of all my little ponies.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

Dear Anon,

While I know my student may be difficult to dissuade from a set course once decided, and while I know that you are not under any order nor requirement to mind my student and police her actions, if you have reason to believe she is a genuine danger to herself or others, please contact me immediately using the enclosed pre-prepared missive simply by tearing the pink tab from the blue bar. I will send a representative if I cannot attend myself as soon as possible.

Also, while I do not approve of violence, I understand it is necessary. Kindly smack my student upside the head the next time she decides to use high level magic with which she is not certified in a situation that is not life or death. When she demands what you are doing, you are to respond 'The ballroom Incident'. If you do this without cause, I will smack you.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Hot Tamale, RE: Letter 15

Author's Note

Letter 15: Here.

From HRH Hot Tamale, RE: Letter 15

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, I look forward to your dissertation on the unique properties of edible-to-edible transmutations and transformations as soon as it is ready, and I remind you again that casting spells to which you have no counterspell should be done with due consideration. I also warn you that while the Apples are related to Oranges, they tend to take exception to it being extended to their crops, but for the love of literature do not attempt to convert any tree-borne fruit into a pear in their presence. Do not.

Do not, Twilight.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Do. Not.

Dear Anon,

Luna turned an even more interesting shade of purple when I asked about how you've been sleeping lately. If you are truly that pent up, I can reccomend a few magazines I'm fairly certain my subjects don't realize I know exist.

Perhaps you need a marefriend?

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From Tia, RE: Letter 17.1

Author's Note

Letter 17.1: Here

From Tia, RE: Letter 17.1

Dear Anon,

While I'm certain you might find the physique of my student fitting if you really gave it a chance, I am even more certain that you would find such an appointment would lead to a very interesting conversation between yourself, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, Shining Armor, and/or possibly a licensed therapist expecting the eccentricities of my pupil.

Therefore I authorize such only once and I am to be notified in advance so that I may observe.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

PS. I do not know what you did, I do not want to know what you did, and I forbid you from publicizing it, but Discord says 'Hello' and asks if you are still in the market for a marefriend. I wash my hooves of this in perpetuity.

From HRH Permaboomer, RE: Letter 18

Author's Note

Letter 18: Here.

The story of Luna versus the Microwave is an oldie in the fanon.

From HRH Permaboomer, RE: Letter 18

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Contrary to my last missive I suppose you managed to find an example of misplaced trust. I would warn you that perhaps an old mare is not the... Or uhm... My dear sister sometimes... Look, it happens to the best of us my little pony. You should see Luna the first time she saw a microwave...

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. There are numerous benefits to opposable digits or telekinesis, yes Anon.

From Princess Celestia, To: Pinkamena D. Pie (20)

Author's Note

A response to Pinkie in letter 20: Here.
Edited to include the photograph in question.

From Princess Celestia, To: Pinkamena D. Pie (20)

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Don't worry, it'll be our little secret. Thank you so much for a kind and warm letter, it's always nice to know that my little ponies are happy, or that my sister and I are appreciated. I am also pleased to hear you appear to get along well with Anon, I do hope he is settling in alright. Feel free to send messages to myself or my sister anytime. Though, you may get in less trouble if you just gave it to the postmare to deliver.

Your friend,
Princess Celestia

Dear 'Nonny',

I have forwarded your true feelings about my sister on behalf of Pinkie Pie, and took the liberty to photograph her reaction, which is included herein. Good luck with your 'goth gee eff', 'Nonny!'

Penned by a highly amused,
HRH Celestia

PS. Did you know Luna still keeps her warhammer polished?

From HRH Sunspot, RE: Letter 21

Author's Note

Letter 21: Here.

From HRH Sunspot, RE: Letter 21

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I am proud of you for learning the difference between convincing arguments and simple emotional blackmail. You would be rather surprised at how many ponies go their entire lives without understanding the distinction between making somepony want to do something for you, and making somepony feel as though they must if they aren't a bad pony. Remember that conversation we had the other week about ponies being an end to themselves, rather than a means to an end.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

Dear Anon,

Spike may just be a baby dragon, but he is more worldwise than I would like to admit. Then again, he is a well-adjusted emotionally healthy friendly adolescent and was more or less raised by Twilight. I may have taken care of him at first but Twilight did step up at some point... I really have no idea how it happened either.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 22

Author's Note

Letter 22: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 22

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, you are a bright and talented young mare and I know that your heart is in the right place.

With that having been said, I am including, in full, a book on pony ethics you are to read. You will be quizzed during your next visit.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I am starting to question whether or not it was wise, Elements or no Elements, to send Twilight to Ponyville without an older minder. Spike can only do so much.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Four-Tenths, RE: Letter 23

Author's Note

Letter 23: Here.

Also, it occurs to me that the chapter title might be a bit confusing, or I might not be as clever as I think I am. 1 / 2.5 = 0.4

From HRH Four-Tenths, RE: Letter 23

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, you have a lovely singing voice but that does not mean that you should skip out on the time and effort needed to train that voice in order to match reality to theory, but I am pleased you are trying new things and hobbies. I do understand the desire to pursue more relevant interests, however, and I assure you that at least you sound pleasant enough during a heart-song.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. She is a mare of many talents.

From HRH Cellophane, RE: Letter 24

Author's Note

Letter 24: Here.

A bit more sober than some of the other chapters, but there is the opportunity for a bit more character definition.

From HRH Cellophane, RE: Letter 24

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

While Laughter is a virtue and can greatly ease pain and fear, there is a time and place where it is justified. The death of a pony, especially one who has yet to enjoy the wonders of life, is a terrible and painful event, but a certain level of respect is warranted for the pain of the family, and the possibility of what might have been. It may be appropriate to point out how much fun the little colt or filly might be having in the Summer Lands, or offer words of comfort intended to make a pony smile. They should not be disparaging, unrelated, or insensitive.

An older pony, on the other hoof, may have desired others to laugh after they are gone, and tasteful jokes, or reciting one of the deceased pony's favorite jokes is a good way to honor that pony and make others around you feel a little less pain.

I know you can do better than this Twilight.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

From Tia, RE: Letter 26.1

Author's Note

Letter 26.1: Here.

From Tia, RE: Letter 26.1

Dear Anon,

I've hopefully defused her for the time being but I need you to make certain - with Spike's help - that the blackboards are erased, her notes from the past day are destroyed, and Twilight does not contact Pinkie within the next 36 hours in a private setting. Follow her around if you have to.

All will be well,
Celestia

From HRH Solar Beam, RE: Letter 27.1

Author's Note

Letter 27.1: Here.

From HRH Solar Beam, RE: Letter 27.1

To my faithful -- if injured -- student, Twilight Sparkle,

Oh Twilight.

I have included a list of legal representatives that your stipend should be able to cover comfortably as per your request, and you'll be pleased to know several of them acted in your family's defense during your time here in Canterlot.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

Dear Spike,

As you are perhaps the only bastion of sanity that is both familiar with Twilight and present to give me a less-biased view, how bad was this on the Purple scale? I really can't justify continuously paying off families not to press charges. Do you think she can handle this on her own, or should I prepare the usual countermeasures?

The usual consultation fee of four sapphires and one ruby with that 'spicy' enchantment you like will be sent in response to your answer at the usual time.

Your friend,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

Anon, I will pay you in coffee for every week Twilight can go without having to re-learn a lesson, or behaves in a manner more responsible or mature than Spike. If you can go a month, I will convince Luna to visit you for a film night.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Starfire, RE: ... Apples? (28-28.6)

Author's Note

This letter is in response to 28-28.6. I will link the first: Here.

From HRH Starfire, RE: ... Apples? (28-28.6)

~~To my~~
~~Dear~~

Anon,

... I was in a meeting for three hours. Just three hours. I'm pleased that the emergency missive I gave you works and the agents of the crown likely will beat my response, but just for good measure, I'm on my way.

You may inform Twilight she's going to have to write up the paperwork for yet another banned spell variant. She should have a copy of the forms already, and I'll pick it up when I get there.

Celestia
PS. Funny that you should refer to me as Princess Starfire considering what I may have to do when I get there.

From HIM Applesworth I, to HRH Celestia (non-canon)

Author's Note

This is not in reference to anything and may in fact not be canon, as much as anything is canon in this setting. I wrote it after trudging home in a 90 degree, humid day and I might be a liiiiittle tired so this seems funnier than it is. May keep, may not.

EDIT: This was inspired largely by the idea that not only did Twilight manage to make an apple realize its own existence, but the first crushed apple founded an empire and is a bit sore about being 'taken care of'. Equestria has an odd history of hammy overlords crawling out of the woodwork. It may be a little too far out of the mood of the rest of the letters, so consider this Non-Canon to any dubious continuity building up.

From HIM Applesworth I, to HRH Celestia (non-canon)

ABHORRENT FLESHY APPLE DEVOURING BEAST KNOWN AS CELESTIA,

Know that you may have vanquished the burgeoning empire of I, Johnny Seedington Applesworth, FIRST OF HIS NAME, for now... BUT BEWARE! For we shall have our REVENGE... Just as soon as we can find another patch of warm soil and dedicated servant ponies over whom WE MAY RULE!

And to force us to sign our surrender on pulped remains of our kingdom YOU ARE A MOST SEEDLESS, STEMLESS ABOMINATION, may your roots wither!

We shall have our REVENGE!

From the desk of,
His Imperial Majesty J. S. Applesworth I, conquerer of Kit-Zen, Grand High Macintosh, Great Ancestor Smith, etc. etc.

PS. We thank you for the mandatory therapy after our traumatic realization of consciousness and reality. We shall remember both this kindness and your service to our empire by bringing forth the day WHEN WE ARE FORCING YOUR SUBJECTS TO TEND ENTIRE ORCHARDS OF OUR EMPIRES!

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that not all apple trees need an Apple to defend them, and sometimes it's best left well enough alone. Especially if your student's involved.

Yours,
Applejack

PS. We owed you the very land that grew our family to what it is today, and we are forever thankful. That said after today, I think we're gettin' closer to being even.

From HRH Sunny, RE: Letter 30

Author's Note

Letter 30: Here.

From HRH Sunny, RE: Letter 30

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

The correct protocol for your safety and others is to report changeling activity to the local guard, or turn over a changeling prisoner to same. If you have reason to doubt the integrity of said guard outpost, it is to be kept bound but safe as possible and an emergency missive sent to Canterlot. Moreover, I would rather you not become comfortable ending the life of another thinking being, Twilight.

As for using the Elements I... admit myself confounded and a bit disappointed to learn that they were apparently, somehow, lethal. This, in fact, raises a variety of very concerning questions. I'm glad everypony else is safe and well. I'll arrange for therapy visits for the other Elements.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. You will write me a one page report on why it is regretable that an individual, even if it is a changeling, died.

From HRH Luna, RE: Letter 31.1

Author's Note

Letter 31: Here.
Letter 31.1: Here.

From HRH Luna, RE: Letter 31.1

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

While I am pleased to note your enthusiasm for the night sky and your interest in star arrangements, I must admit that this is perhaps one of the more 'odd' requests I have had, and I'm actually somewhat relieved that you changed your mind. Mostly because I am suspicious of why you've made it.

In the future, just request a falling star for whatever clandestine meeting like everypony else, won't you? At least that way I don't need to design a new constellation and deal with ponies asking me why a star-squirrel is holding up the moon like a giant nut.

More importantly, do you really want to be responsible for the potential creation of a new star-beast?

Your friend,
Princess Luna.

From HRH Sundae, RE: Letter 32

Author's Note

Letter 32: Here.

From HRH Sundae, RE: Letter 32

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I... admittedly am not certain what you expected would happen. I choose to remain optimistic your strong suggestion was in concern for the other pony and not merely the desire to be 'correct'.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I can tell you're trying to keep her on track at least, so included with this letter is a single serving of my personal blend. It's been fooling ponies into believing I am a morning pony (rather than just THE morning pony) for years. This is on top of your usual payment. Keep up the good work.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

PS. If Pinkie Pie gets ahold of this and takes even a single sip, you are personally responsible for all damages, therapy, and violations of reality that ensue.

From HRH A-sol-ine, RE: Letter 33

Author's Note

Letter 33: Here.

From HRH A-sol-ine, RE: Letter 33

Dear Anon,

Normally I'm able to discern at least some measure of my student's original wording from 'her' letters, but this one strikes me that you wrote it of your own volition. Normally I would assume Twilight wrote me a missive denoting how she learned that sometimes friends want to spend time without interference but she already should have learned that one when the Pink One elected to stop in while Fluttershy was visiting. Of course, if I assumed that, then we'd have to reset that month timer, wouldn't we?

On the note of your hopeful outing with my sister, should I inform her of the importance of male reproductive equipment as a qualifier for spending personal time with you?

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Eternally Young, RE: Letter 34

Author's Note

Letter 34: Here.

From HRH Eternally Young, RE: Letter 34

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

While I certainly don't begrudge you your hobbies, Twilight, I do feel that perhaps ones a bit more socially involved or immediately useful than increasingly minute digits of Pi may be wise. Sweetie Belle had the right of it, in that it is alright to round Pi, and even in a greater scope, that it is alright to neglect to account for every detail when only the general shape is needed for the end result.

Another example might be temperature. For instance, in chemistry variance of a single tenth of a degree can be explosive, or ruin work if not accounted for, whereas when making coffee - technically a chemical process, though a trivial one - is perfectly happy at a range of temperatures. The context is different and so to is the difference in what you must worry over, and how much.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Twilight, did you not already learn the dangers of trying too hard to figure out Pie?

From HRH Pegacorn, RE: Letter 36

Author's Note

Letter 36: Here.

From HRH Pegacorn, RE: Letter 36

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

While that is very good information, I am surprised that you felt the need to test it. On the upside, perhaps now Anon will let you participate in his Bro TimeTM, and if not I'm lead to believe the cure is just a bubble bath away.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Porcelaine, RE: Letter 37

Author's Note

Letter 37: Here.

From HRH Porcelaine, RE: Letter 37

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

For your consideration, I would perhaps suggest abstracting this lesson to cover all hardships being made easier to accept and surpass when one has friends and loved ones on your side.

I would further suggest that of the many lessons you have learned, and will learn, that this be one you take to heart and never forget. Sometimes we are only truly able to make it through the worst moments of our lives with the support of another, and if you forget this, it may be too late.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Have you considered just asking Fluttershy if she would be interested in intimacy? Anon's technique probably won't work of course, but there are polite ways of asking such a question.

From HRH Palpatia(?), RE: Letter 38

Author's Note

Letter 38: Here.

From HRH Palpatia(?), RE: Letter 38

Dear Anon,

What. Did you do?

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Celsius, RE: Letter 39

Author's Note

Letter 39: Here.

From HRH Celsius, RE: Letter 39

Dear Anon,

Did you somehow--

What did--

I am missing something.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From Tia, RE: Letter 41

Author's Note

Letter 41: Here.

From Tia, RE: Letter 41

Dear Anon,

And Anonymous is an anagram for Mayo Nouns.

Your friend,
Tia

PS. When you're sober and not on pain killers I will join my sister in giggling at you.

From Her Most Magical Narwhal, RE: Letter 42

Author's Note

Letter 42: Here.

Sorry Twilight, Celestia isn't sharing the Question of Life, Universe, and Everything.

From Her Most Magical Narwhal, RE: Letter 42

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Friends and family are irreplaceable in the end, and though a friendship can be damaged, it's worth struggling to mend and keep that friendship, if it's a true friendship anyway. Worse, I'm afraid friendship requires reciprocation and, to our best knowledge, books do not possess enough of an individual personality to participate in friendship.

However if you should locate a book which does I would very kindly request you introduce us as well as the manner by which you were introduced.

I would also like to request that should you have met such a book and it is insisting most heavily against our meeting that we expedite said meeting greatly.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Have you ever wondered if a changeling could turn into a book?

From HRH Bestia, RE: Letter 43

Author's Note

Letter 43: Here.

From HRH Bestia, RE: Letter 43

Dear Anon,

How could you let Twilight know of the Good Pony Box before she was ready? This is going to take so much work to fix.

We might even have to get a new box.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

PS. I swear to the stars, Anon, she better not find out about the imagination box.

From HRH Cybertron, RE: Letter 52

Author's Note

Letter 52: Here.

Yay spitballing magical mechanics.

From HRH Cybertron, RE: Letter 52

Dear Anon,

I applaud your quick thinking and agree that logically that would have worked, if a shrinking potion actually reduced the size of something rather than compressed the afflicted area and used an ongoing magical effect to 'trick' the mass into behaving as if it were the appropriate amount. Always read the warning labels and do not use any potion with which you are not intimately familiar without a practiced potioneer on standby.

Good intention, terrible execution. Better luck next time.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Not every idea is a good one and even a slight miscalculation or misunderstanding on the part of a spellcaster can turn a good idea into a bad idea. As you well know.

I am pleased to hear miss Trixie will be well, and in the future perhaps research her stage magic a bit more thoroughly. Casting a spell to achieve an effect and making ponies think you cast a spell when you didn't are very different, and are difficult in their own ways.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. I do hope you realize this was a case of misunderstanding a magical effect rather than a problem inherent in, say, one's origin.

From HRH Celisbury, RE: Letter 52.1

Author's Note

Letter 52.1: Here.

From HRH Celisbury, RE: Letter 52.1

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I'm pleased to hear you've found another potential romantic interest! I have taken the liberty to forward this message to Cadence for you as perhaps Anon sent it to the wrong princess?

Just keep in mind that a good relationship happens naturally, and you should begin by befriending Trixie if you wish for it to be emotionally satisfying. I'm not saying a friendship based upon physical pleasure that becomes a long-term relationship isn't possible, but it's a bit trickier, from what I understand.

Good luck!
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

While it is the temporary state of such a problem that makes it permissible to laugh, I agree that picturing it got a smile. Do keep in mind, however, that you were granted citizenship here and have the same protections that offers. If this 'racism' issue should actually enter into belligerence, there are options you can take which will not cause escalation.

If you escalate, what follows is your fault.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From Celestia, To: Discord (53)

Author's Note

I regret nothing about this.
Celestia might though.
Letter 53: Here.

From Celestia, To: Discord (53)

Discord,

Allow me to express my pride in you! Although the missive was not intended for me, I felt the need to congratulate you, as your reformation seems to be paying dividends.

You are, finally, more predictable than your associates. After all even doing the opposite every time is still being consistent.

Well done!
Celestia

From HRH Cell-estia, RE: Letter 54

Author's Note

Letter 54: Here.

From HRH Cell-estia, RE: Letter 54

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Happy Nightmare Night, my little pony. I'm sorry to hear about your costume difficulties. I do hope you didn't take the comments regarding weight too seriously. After all, ponies bodies do change over time, especially if you have a sedentary lifestyle. I myself had to take up going for a morning canter a few decades back. It's a shame your friends were either too blunt, or too kind to communicate the problem before it became an issue. There is a balance between being tactful and being honest, and I hope this gives you a better idea of where that fulcrum is.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Anon, I do not think that word means what you think it means.

From HRH Tia Khalifa, RE: Letter 55

Author's Note

Found a few minutes to sit down and answer a letter or two.
Letter 55: Here.

From HRH Tia Khalifa, RE: Letter 55

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, you know you can write to me outside of the context of a lesson, right? I am always pleased to hear from you, and you can ask advice or just catch up any time you like.

As for Birthday Sex... Well, it's not mandatory but it is traditional to celebrate birthdays with pleasurable activity, and more than one pony has given the gift of themselves, if you like. I don't think you need to worry about, say, perhaps Spike for several more years, though I also believe that he is due The Talk at some point in the next year or two. If you do not believe you can handle it, I would be happy to have Spike here and explain the facts of life.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. If birthday sex was mandatory, would that not mean that I was the one to put it in place? Perhaps I should.

From HRH Celypso, RE: Letter 57

Author's Note

Letter 57: Here.

From HRH Celypso, RE: Letter 57

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, I once again am pleased you are well, and have recovered from potentially life-threatening injury promptly and without side effect.

In the future, kindly remember that the Everfree Forest is considered one of the most dangerous areas within Equestrian borders, and among those areas that permit traditional life is ranked as one of the top ten most dangerous. I applaud you for answering a call for help or fear, and truthfully I am proud of you for doing so. I'm not certain you could have done much differently, save for suggesting you research the forest and common predators within a bit more carefully, for future reference. I would also suggest that you do not enter the Everfree alone. Ever.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Yes, if you were wondering there have been efforts to remove the forest after it proved difficult to make safe, but it takes exception to that. Perhaps we should put up a fence?

From HRH Hansen(?), RE: Letter 58

Author's Note

Last one for tonight.
Letter 58: Here.

From HRH Hansen(?), RE: Letter 58

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I think this is one of those things specific to Anon's origins. From context, I would assume this to be an Anonism for 'She is adorable and must be treated with affection and indulgence, rather than inappropriate behavior' but I may be missing some subtext.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Anon, who is Hansen?

From HRH Caeser, RE: Letter 59

Author's Note

Letter 59: Here.

From HRH Caeser, RE: Letter 59

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight I'm going to need some context here.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Ponies are more open to touching in general when experiencing fear or comfort, but it would be an abuse of trust to take advantage of such.

From HRH Cellulose, RE: Letter 60

Author's Note

Letter 60: Here.

From HRH Cellulose, RE: Letter 60

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Thank you for giving consideration to untested magic prior to casting it on yourself, though now I believe I'm going to have to dispatch a team to find that shrew and reverse the spell. It's probably in a great deal of pain, after all... and this is rather how species like cragodiles, spiderflies, and woodpeckers get started and it'd probably be best to head that off. We don't need a crawling jungle roaming around the desert.

As for untested magic, I was referring to the official guidelines toward testing a spell before it is cast on a subject, including having somepony else review your design and idea for flaws.

Still I do hope this lesson sticks with you awhile, though I do wish it weren't quite so terrible to experience.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. In the future, a simple dowsing spell is usually sufficient to find a source of water and plant life, a detoxification spell functions perfectly well on cacti, and telekinesis can strip the barbs easily. Try to consider simple solutions first, my faithful student.

Dear Anon,

Earth Ponies generally do the same thing. Some even claim the plants respond in kind. I suggest you don't think too hard on it.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Capri Sun, RE: Letter 62 - 62.5

Author's Note

Letter 62: Here.
Letter 62.5: Here.

Rather than respond individually I'm gonna address these all in a go.

From HRH Capri Sun, RE: Letter 62 - 62.5

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I apologize for not responding individually to your letters, but between preoccupation (I only have a limited amount of time to answer correspondence during court hours), and needing to revise every time a new letter came, it culminated in several drafts leading to this one.

First of all Twilight, you did a very good thing by wanting to help others, but I feel that perhaps not as much... research went into this idea as perhaps you found it needed. I am proud of the good you managed to do by day's end, and I thank you for bringing my attention to certain... deficiencies that must be addressed on perhaps a larger scale than previously anticipated.

Do remember to donate responsibly - there's more than one homeless charity that needs the help. It saddens me as well, but the crown can only budget the most basic necessity for shelters.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. We'll discuss the non-pony citizens of Equestria in more detail during our next meeting for tea.

Dear Anon,

My little ponies are not always the wisest but you'll find that most at least mean well. One of the major problems, however, is that non-Equestrian citizens can visit really quite freely but not all of them have the kindest of intents, and those latter ones tend to be desperate, and sometimes uneducated since not all other countries offer no-cost schooling. That unfortunately tends to contribute to the insular experiences of ponies and build stereotypes and expectations. Since ponies don't tend to travel outside our borders often, there isn't very much world-wisdom to go around.

Your friend,
Celestia

From Tia, to Anon, RE: Letter 65

Author's Note

Letter 65: Here.

From Tia, to Anon, RE: Letter 65

Dear Anon,

I do rather wish you'd take more care of yourself. Sometimes I'll find myself worrying for your wellbeing from time to time and I would really prefer those fears to be baseless.

As for cashews... Well, admittedly given your relationship with my student I'm not sure how this could have been prevented, but generally in the future if you do not recognize something you are about to eat prior to eating it without being told what it is... Well, suffice to say you may wish to confirm with another source that it is safe to eat in that form. Also did you know that potatoes were poisonous to two of the three main races of pony until interbreeding occurred? I actually couldn't eat them before I earned my wings. The first time I saw Luna try one I actually panicked and had a healer at the time hovering for hours.

I'll make an effort to attend more movie nights, at your request then Anon.

Your friend,
Tia

Dear Spike,

You used to send me drawings that took a little thinking to figure out when you were quite young. You've also sent me an interesting missive or two while recovering from this or that yourself. Next time leave them in so I can tease him about it later.

Your friend,
Princess Celestia

PS. I miss when you would send me drawings.

From HRH Solar Power, RE: Letter 66

Author's Note

Letter 66: Here.

From HRH Solar Power, RE: Letter 66

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

The power of laughter can help mend past hurts. In your brother's case, it can mend past hurts with the addition of good therapy and emotional support. I think you should honestly apologize to Shining Armor sometime soon, and not because it didn't work. You've been making strides, my little pony. I'm proud of you. I know you'll keep growing into a better pony, too.

You're on your way to being the pony I know you can be, Twilight.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I know you have enough self preservation and goodness in your heart not to actually try to torment a mentally scarred pony into having a relapse or a panic attack. I know this because you are my friend, and if that was not an attempt at helping to smooth things over with Twilight, I would be honestly disappointed in you.

I know you're a good human at heart, Anon.

Your friend,
Celestia

From HRH Sysadmin, RE: Letter 67

Author's Note

Letter 67: Here.

I'm not sure if I the author or Celestia is more worried here.

From HRH Sysadmin, RE: Letter 67

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

The Mirror Pool's mechanism is one of those things that I would be a great deal happier without, yes.

A cloning spell... Well, admittedly nopony I know of has tried such a magical working, or at least nopony that was serious about it. Either way I'm very proud of you for going through the proper steps, and being very, very careful.

Also remember that as this spell has the potential to create sapient life, you'll need to appear in-pony for an evaluation before you can be licensed to cast it. I hope you have a good reason for making this spell Twilight, because it is immoral and dangerous to create a new mind that will call (or worse, split) a soul for a reason that isn't dire.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. I'm sorry it took so much pain for you to learn to go through the correct steps before something can go wrong.

From HRH Pencilestia, RE: Letter 67.1

Author's Note

Letter 67.1: Here.

I really don't have much to say about this one. It raises questions I as a person really don't want to delve into, so... offscreen problem solving!

And clearly the only crown-approved necromancer is Luna.

From HRH Pencilestia, RE: Letter 67.1

~~To~~
~~Dear~~
Anon,
I'm on my way. And I'm bringing my sister.
Celestia

PS. Did you know there is exactly one licensed crown Necromancer?

From HRH Heliophile, RE: Letter 69

Author's Note

Letter 69: Here.

From HRH Heliophile, RE: Letter 69

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

While your objective is sound in theory generally speaking you don't want to analyze it in great detail, and remember that most ponies prefer being spontanious. Especially since many ponies are not always in the mood, and a rigid schedule can create a feeling of pressure or distress which is undesired.

So rather than an itenerary you should perhaps consider an ordered checklist for your own records.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 70.1

Author's Note

Letter 70.1: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 70.1

Luna,

I know you're busy, but things are starting to get weird over here. Twilight's apparently turned into an incorporeal undead, possessed a corpse, found her old body she was forced out of suffocated, and is now attempting to use that explosive spell you declared 'deplorably messy' last time. Supposedly nopony should be killed this time.

I could use some advice about how freaked out I should be.

Love,
Celestia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I've notified Luna, and I would prefer if you would wait for her response before carrying out any further plans. Especially because we weren't willing to confirm that spell is safe to cast on a third party.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 70.2

Author's Note

Letter 70.2: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 70.2

Luna,

I don't care how much fun you're having closing that Tartarus gate, get it done because they aren't waiting.

Your loving sister,
Celestia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, I'm very glad your marefriend Trixie survived the experience of casting the spell, and will update the archives. Seriously though Twilight, Luna is wrapping up her business trip and will be there soon.

And for the record, yes this is technically necromancy. And for the record, there are crown assets in place to curb an undead uprising with extreme prejudice. I cannot legally protect you if this gets out of hoof, Twilight.

Please be safe,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Solar Plexus, RE: Letter 71

Author's Note

Letter 71: Here.

From HRH Solar Plexus, RE: Letter 71

Dear Anon,

Send me a picture before you fix it. Please.

Your friend,
Celestia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Perhaps you would prefer it if you had an actual licensed magical engineer ready to help reverse spell effects.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Ceiling Fan, RE: Letter 74

Author's Note

Letter 74: Here.

From HRH Ceiling Fan, RE: Letter 74

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I warned you.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight Velvet,

I hereby request your attendance at your convenience to a private meeting regarding your daughter. I fear there are things that merit discussion and I'm afraid she's been avoiding her medicine again.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

Dear Anon,

There's a guest room at the palace available for the next few weeks. Your writ of passage should get you in, just tell a guard once inside you're here for sanctuary. I'm calling in Twilight's mother.

Celestia

From HRH Celestia, Luna, RSVP RE: Letter 75

Author's Note

Letter 75: Here.

From HRH Celestia, Luna, RSVP RE: Letter 75

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Thank you for the invitation. We'll be there shortly.

HRH Celestia,
HRH Luna

From HRH Luna, RE: Letter 76

Author's Note

Let's get things back under the comedy tag shall we?
Letter 76: Here.

From HRH Luna, RE: Letter 76

Dear Anon,

I write on behalf of my hungover older sister while tormenting her with overly peppy 'morning pony' attitude. You may feel this to be a cruelty beyond what she deserves, but I was forced to haul up the fat-flanked drama-queen of a star after putting my Moon to bed, and as always when I am forced to this labor, I feel the need for a mild form of vengeance upon my elder sister.

I know not what she feeds that thing nor how she could spoil a giant ball of plasma and nuclear fury such that it pitches a fit if anypony dares to haul its heavy rear into the sky, but I am entitled to the sweet sounds of Celestia begging me to close the curtains, for it happens but once in ten blue moons.

I digress, however. I would be happy to have you fetched from dear Twilight's home post haste, and shall even prepare the regrowth spell myself!

Truly Twilight does make too great a fuss that her mother sees fit to care for her and correct her faults, for she is blessed with a powerful and wise matriarch, and I have great faith that Twilight's incidents shall at least half in frequency, neigh, quarter!

I shall see you upon the turn of an hour - and do bring your box of loud music disks, for my sister has a most unfortunate headache. SHE SHALL LEARN NOT TO TELL THE STORY OF MINE YOUTH AND THE MONSTER BORN OF ALFALFA AND BUTTERFLIES!

Your friend,
'Moonshine'

From HRH Cell Division, RE: Letter 78

Author's Note

Letter 78: Here.

From HRH Cell Division, RE: Letter 78

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I cannot and would not blame you at all for this decision. Blueblood is... difficult and there are very few ponies that genuinely like him. He's self-centered, conniving, and has all the sensibilities of a toothless tick. He does have his redeeming qualities but... sadly he more often acts as a cautionary tale.

On the bright side, it's good that you realize how precious your own friends are, and how much they must cherish you.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Imagine having to attend every single one of his birthday parties.

PPS. He used to be so much sweeter before the nobility got their hooks into him.

From HRH Mighty Whitey, RE: Letter 79

Author's Note

Letter 79: Here.

From HRH Mighty Whitey, RE: Letter 79

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, you do realize Anon is messing with you, don't you? Rest assured my student, there is no statistically significant correlation between coat (or mane) color and brain size. Similarly there is no statistically significant correlation between coat (or mane) color and observed intelligence.

Remember, my student: Ponies, like other beings, are dumb because they are dumb, not because of what they look like.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

~~PS. There is a statistical correlation between ponies who have a majority pink coloration and~~ Nevermind.

From HRH Hottest Pocket, RE: Letter 81

Author's Note

Letter 81: Here.

From HRH Hottest Pocket, RE: Letter 81

Dear Trixie Lulamoon,

Due to your recent near-death experience caused by a teleportation incident and use of a known unstable spell, as well as requiring a public space to be closed for cleaning related to the aforementioned difficulties, you are hereby required to submit to psychiatric evaluation to ensure your mental well-being, as well as no less than twelve hours of community service, as that was the estimation for cleaning the area to health and safety standards.

In the future, please understand that magic marked 'advanced' does not merely denote difficulty, but also risk to yourself or others. Please ensure you are able to reliably cast such spells under observation of somepony able to help you, should a complication arise in the future, and ensure that you are able to do so regularly.

From the desk of,
HRH Celestia

PS. Her majesty suggests the illusory subtypes of spells if you intend to use magic during your shows in the future, as they tend to be safer.

To Agent A. Lamps,

Thank you for being prompt and efficacious as always. For successful lifesaving measures without exposing your role, your usual bonus will be included in your paycheck. Anon has expressed interest in meeting you and 'exchanging stories' however. You do have tentative authorization to allow for such meetings at your discretion, but be warned that Anon does not technically possess a security clearance. If in doubt, deflect.

I apologize again for stationing you within Ponyville but given the usual... standard of... things... in Ponyville, I believe you can see why it is justified by now.

Good work,
HRH Celestia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

You are hereby required to attend a once-weekly tutoring lesson - that is, a lesson on how to correctly tutor another pony - run by a miss Cheerilee until you are able to pass the relevant certification.

I applaud your initiative and willingness to help Twilight, but Trixie could have died as a result of your... manner of instruction. At the very least you should have prepared safety measures and been honest with her about her mastery of the spell.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I'm not certain how long I spent staring at the last letter, but it was long enough for my sister to have been fetched out of concern.

What the everloving Tartarus is wrong with my little ponies?!

Celestia

An unsent letter

Author's Note

This isn't a response to something 2Merr wrote, the idea just popped up while I was feeling meloncholic so I decided to write it. It isn't really all that funny, and feel free to skip it.

An unsent letter

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

I miss you, and I am sorry I sent you away. I hope you are well, wherever you are right now, whatever you're doing, and I hope that you know you are always welcome home.

I understand it's been a long time since my last letter, but recent events have made me realize that... well, everypony has their oddities and foibles. A temper and sense of entitlement really aren't that bad, all things considered. I hope your time in another world has helped temper the latter, and settle the former, if you'll forgive the wordplay.

I imagine you've met Twilight Sparkle by now, given that I don't really put anything past her ability to achieve (for better or worse). I've taken her under my wing as a new student, but again, you're always welcome back, Sunset, she hasn't taken your place. I'm writing because... I've been reflecting on the good pony at heart I know Twilight can be, and I remember the light and warmth in that little filly I had taken in those years ago, and realize that I have been unfair to you. If you do return, there are some things we need to work on, but you're worth the effort, just as Twilight is.

I miss you, Sunset.
Princess Celestia

From Tia, To Anon RE: Letter 83

Author's Note

Letter 83: Here.

Writing this one was interesting. I'm fairly sure I stayed in the Teen rating, and true to Tia's reaction to something like this. Additionally the idea of intent-based effects on ponies arises at least in part due to a fic I read ages ago (named Ponies Are Squishy) that essentially demonstrated it's practically impossible to hurt a pony without actually meaning to.

From Tia, To Anon RE: Letter 83

Dear Anon,

Admittedly I... rather assumed you knew what you were doing. Alright. I think we should discuss this face to face, but let's soothe that mortification for now.

First of all, one of the most important things about touching a pony anywhere is the intent with which you do so. And I do not mean 'it is acceptable to grope somepony because you're curious' but more... If you intend to touch somepony out of affection and care, it will be soothing and pleasant. If your intent is of a more sexual nature, it will be pleasant, but certainly less soothing. This is how a pony may bond with and excite their partner with nothing more than a few little kisses or nips. Some areas are more... in tune with this latter kind of touch than others (some of which should be obvious) but, suppose a foal is seeking comfort and tucks against a mare's belly and teats. The sensation associated is more akin to a warm hug in a different part of the body than anything untoward -- even if the foal is not your own. Additionally how else do you think a massage with hooves could be pleasant?

The chest area of the barrel (yes we grow a bit more 'fluff' there than elsewhere) is one of those areas a pony can, well, reach, during intercourse easily. A shift of the neck, a half-turned nuzzle, all make the neck and chest areas particularly sensitive toward affectionate touch. They're also very vulnerable areas on a pony, and so permitted touch to those regions suggests a great deal of trust.

If it is any consolation, I of course did not experience any gratification, but it was very pleasant and soothing, as well as very novel since magic doesn't feel quite the same.

In short, yes the region is more susceptible to inappropriate touch, but only if the touch is really meant to be inappropriate. That said, it is still very inappropriate to touch areas which are almost exclusively for intercourse without informed consent, and I suggest you consider the Apple Family's method of harvest should you ever do so, as well as the height of the average pony compared to a biped.

We'll talk soon,
Tia

PS. You are forgiven for your ignorance, but remember that ponies are often very touch-oriented, and it is both acceptable and expected to have friendly contact with a pony you consider a friend from time to time.

From Tia, To Anon RE: Letter 83.1

Author's Note

Letter 81.1: Here.

Sorry readers, the conversation mentioned will not be shown, at least in this story! You'll all just have to guess, or pick up from context~!

From Tia, To Anon RE: Letter 83.1

Dear Anon,

You're welcome.

But seriously I look forward to our conversation and, again, it is the intent, not necessarily the thought that counts. Ponies are incredibly empathetic to such a point where even our personal magic can pick up on emotions and will, which is also how we detect said intent. I'm also glad you've decided not to cut yourself off from society until we had to send somepony to fetch you. The comment about Discord does not surprise me, I admit, and I also choose to believe at least part of that 'confession' was in jest.

We will be auditing your income though~

Your friend,
Tia

PS. Anon, among the things we will discuss includes whether or not you do actually want something out of our relationship, or even Luna. I enjoy our friendship and time together, but it will be good to get our expectations clear.

From HRH Cellybration, RE: Letter 84

Author's Note

Letter 84: Here.

From HRH Cellybration, RE: Letter 84

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Happy Nightmare Night. I'll... direct Luna to Ponyville this year and you can discuss it with her. In regards to the ethical conundrum, if it is capable of asking for its life, it is best to consider it as deserving of said life. If a being is capable of feeling emotion, it should be treated as such. And if a being is being kept locked away 'for its own good' I would hope that an appropriate level of care is given to ensure that its existence is a pleasant one.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. I hear Luna is dressing up as me for tonight's festivities. Do let me know if she gets the look right.

From HRH Superior Posterior, RE: Letter 85

Author's Note

Letter 85: Here.
I suppose this is also a response to 85.1 too.

From HRH Superior Posterior, RE: Letter 85

Dear Anon,

I wonder if my student's list-making habit is to blame for this. This does confirm a certain suspicion or two. Hmm... I rather like Vanilla Valentine for the alliterative appeal, and Ivory Eye Candy is very flattering you know.

Still, seventeen pages dedicated only to my posterior though... Goodness me!

You know I really can't think of anything else to say in response to this. Thank you for a rather amusing if harmless mistake.

Your friend,
Sunny-Side Up

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 86

Author's Note

Letter 86: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 86

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

It's wonderful to hear that the Elements of Harmony's proposed lethality turned out to be something of a red herring, and makes me feel worlds better about having used them on my sister twice.

It's also wonderful to hear that you've volunteered to maintain the wellbeing of a potential new Equestrian citizen, Twilight. Your changeling guest will of course be escorted with a detatchment of crown agents, but please remember that talk we had about sapient beings. If he(?) is well behaved, does not attempt escape, and causes no intentional harm, a degree of trust and comfort should be extended (That is, you should probably not worry about making some one watch over him(?) in the bathroom, sleeping on an actual bed, etc.) Of course we will be testing him for side effects, reproducability, and otherwise in an ethical manner, and your escort should only be slightly delayed from this letter.

I look forward to a letter from our guest.

By the by, is Anon well? This missive lacks his usual diction.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

To: S.D, A.L, and R,

Changeling activity noted, Twilight contacted me regarding our 'guest' and if all is on the level, so much the better. Please shadow Twilight and the changeling known as... 'Stupid' with due discretion and attempt to prevent harm. To both parties, should the latter be innocent -- or at least as innocent as an unknown changeling can be presumed to be.

I consider it important that their life be maintained if nothing else.

From the desk of,
HRH Celestia

Anon,

It says something that I become suspicious when my student writes me directly. Is something wrong?

Celestia

From Princess Celestia, To: 'Stupid' (86.1)

Author's Note

Letter 86.1: Here.

Less funny, more emotional.

From Princess Celestia, To: 'Stupid' (86.1)

Dear Changeling known as 'Stupid',

First, and above all, I apologize on behalf of Anon who gave you your current name - since he probably won't. If you would like to select a name more fitting for yourself, I highly encourage it as I would hate for you to be demeaned simply by introducing yourself, or being addressed. If you would like a name given to you, just let me know. If you already have one, I of course suggest you use it unless you would prefer not to.

Now, on to the actual content of your letter.

A long time ago, Equestria was founded by ponies who were starving, whose every day was a struggle, whose lack of trust and what was seen as their base natures drove them against one another. It was founded when ponies put aside what made them different as things that should keep them apart, and instead celebrated them for what made them special. Whether we have feathers or horns or even fangs, Equestria is, and has always been, about coming together, new chances, and above all, hope.

As one of Equestria's Princesses, I welcome you, if this is truly what you wish. I welcome you to make friends, to find love not just to eat but to share and to experience. I welcome you to find what truly makes you special, what makes you you, and find the light inside of you and make it shine.

I welcome any pony, changeling, or other being that is willing to try for these things, to live in harmony and work together to make a life worth living. With your consent, I would like to study the Elements effects on you with the aid of researchers of the crown, so that others may benefit, if they so desire.

I wish you well,
Princess Celestia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I have received the missive from our changeling guest, and would like to amend my previous letter thusly: Twilight, you are not allowed to run experiments on him without informed consent. You are not allowed to act in a manner which is threatening to his wellbeing - physical or psychological - except to subdue if an escape is attempted. You are also not allowed to permit others to break any of these rules for you because I have not forbidden them from doing so.

I was just thanked for such luxuries as 'not starving' and the chance to live in peace, Twilight. One of our core tenets is Generosity, and that means when we have food, we share it. When we are warm and someone else is cold, we let them warm themselves by our fire. When someone is hurting, we help.

Make me proud, Twilight,
Princess Celestia

From Tia, RE: Letter 86.3

Author's Note

Letter 86.3: Here.

From Tia, RE: Letter 86.3

Dear Anon,

I would be happy to attend such a function, and when I showed Luna she agreed. She was further amused and gained a most interesting look to her face at your description of Stu's allergy tests. Luckily we may be able to help treat some of those allergies at least, but overall it's good they caught it sooner than later.

As for his name... Well, 'luck' being his middle name does seem very apt, though I had more intended something along the lines of Stupid Luck much in the way of Mr. Filthy Rich. Still as long as he is happy. And on the note of being happy, it's very sweet that he's so excited and wants to share that with you. You must have made a very good impression. In his eyes, you probably delivered him hope and happiness for the first time in a very long time. I know you didn't do that with this in mind but nevertheless, thank you Anon. Thank you for caring for another life, and helping hope spring up where none was before.

Your friend,
Tia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 86.4

Author's Note

Letter 86.4: Here.

I still think Celestia just had a thousand yard stare for the first several minutes before she could react at all.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 86.4

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I knew you could do it, my little Twilight. I'm a little concerned with the amount of sleep you likely got and some of your methods, but I'm proud of you.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Thank you for getting the mage tower in order, I had not realized it had degenerated so severely over the past... few... generations. Oh.

Dear Anon,

My student continues to amaze me both for better and worse. I'll deal with the scientists myself. Don't tell my student, but it's possible to combine a temporal element to interdimensional thaumaturgy such that I'll be able to pluck them out a few seconds after they get there, relatively speaking. And then they'll actually have something to worry about.

Your friend,
Celestia

Dear Luna, Cadence,

Sister, niece, I'm beginning to worry about our nation as a whole. Twilight is showing... improvement at least, and there are a great many competent and effective ponies that are also empathetic, but strangely I keep finding ponies who possess at best two of those traits in positions of importance.

I cannot help but wonder if we too suffer from being only two of those three (competent, effective, empathetic) at any given time. Still, I ask your help to aid me in going through the high positions of Canterlot at least and determine which ponies should be seeking employment elsewhere. I'm even starting to wonder if we need to bite the bit and do something about the nobility too.

Love,
Celestia

PS. No matter how cathartic it would be, we are not going to execute or brutally maim any of the ponies we fire.

PPS. Unless they are intentionally evil.

Note to self,

Have the water supplies checked for tampering

Express my severe disappointment with the royally comissioned magic researchers

Check education standards within Canterlot, last review... 380 years?

Enchant dayplanner to change the dates of recurring tasks

Begin research into possible repercussions of transitioning Equestria into a constitutional diarchy

Reintroduce public shaming as a punishment.

From Princess Celestia, To: Pinkamena D. Pie (???)

Author's Note

Not in response to anything 2Merr sent exactly but I thought it'd be a nice addendum to 86.4

From Princess Celestia, To: Pinkamena D. Pie (???)

Dear Pinkie Pie,

My sister, niece, and I will be firing what I suspect will be a great many ponies in the near future.

We are requesting temporary lease of an industrial strength party cannon from which they may be fired. Confetti bursts are negotiable, but the ponies in question should survive the landing.

I don't pretend to know how you will accomplish this but I have the utmost faith in you.

Your friend,
Princess Celestia

PS. If you feel that neither I nor Princess Luna should be entrusted with an industrial strength party cannon, we will need to charter your services as well.

From HRH Celami, RE: Letter 86.5

Author's Note

Letter 86.5: Here.

From HRH Celami, RE: Letter 86.5

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

From a purely pragmatic standpoint I realize that if a changeling prisoner doesn't want our help or to co-exist peacefully, we're essentially condemning them to death by starvation barring volunteers. I realize many might consider it a mercy, and that our operating standard is such that there have been changeling casualties. I would still greatly prefer it if you would not design - somehow - your tool such that it is lethal in cases wherein it does not function as an aid. I will not speculate whether or not it is actually functioning as intended.

In any case, I am still proud of you for your accomplishment and the passion with which you tackled the problem. It is a shame that the unnamed changeling was so uncooperative.

I suppose my one truly chiding remark is that you should have remembered your promise to Stu. Just because he is not a pony does not mean your promises should not be made with intent to keep them.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. I'll have you know, Anon, I was the one that suggested the name for Ponyville.

From HRH Sun Bun, RE: Letter 87

Author's Note

Letter 87: Here.

From HRH Sun Bun, RE: Letter 87

Dear Anon,

You are my friend, and at times confidante. I have more respect for you than nine in ten ponies I meet during the day. These are the reasons I'm going to ask 'Are you sure?' before I turn you over to Royal Equestrian Bureaucratic Acquisitions and Revenue. They get a little overzealous. Um. Really overzealous.

...Anon even my sister and I pay taxes on our personal spending and gains.

Anon, even Discord will send them a yearly envelope of something utterly bizarre yet valuable.

Your friend,
Celestia

From REBAR, To: HRH Celestia (87.1)

Author's Note

Letter 87.1: Here.

From REBAR, To: HRH Celestia (87.1)

To HRH Celestia,

GIVE US THE HUMAN

He waAS warnED!

Yours respectfully,
REBAR re-acquisitions chair,
Tax Code

Anon,

I see. Well, I tried.

Yours in spirit,
Celestia

PS. The following services are unavailable to individuals who have elected not to pay what taxes they are able:

Crown-funded services (non-life saving healthcare, minimum income stipend, relativistic stabilization, etc.)

Exorcisms

Twilight Sparkle repair funds,

Other disaster-relief resources

...

Really anon the list is rather long and the taxation rate really isn't that unreasonable. Seriously please just send the nice ponies at REBAR their due?

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 88

Author's Note

Letter 88: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 88

Dear Stu,

Thank you dearly for such a heartfelt letter and compliment. Handling disappointments is a skill gained with time, but in this case, perhaps I can help.

I'd like you to go to Ms. Pinkie Pie and discuss the idea of a 'Neato Burrito' and together, the two of you could make one of your very own! It could have anything you like to eat on it, though they may not taste good all together. Remember, some things are disappointing and sad when there's not much we can do about it, but others like this, you can take that disappointment into motivation to make it right.

Make the best neato-burrito you can! I know you have allergies, including some... esoteric ones, but I'm certain you can manage something wonderful that won't harm you to eat.

Wishing you well,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 88.1

Author's Note

Letter 88.1: Here.

I admit, I did not see all the cupcakes references coming. Here's a short one for completion's sake.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 88.1

Dear Anon,

I simply told him that though he was disappointed at the lack of a 'neato burrito', he should go out and invent one so that he doesn't have to feel disappointed anymore.

It does not surprise me Pinkie is helping with this, of course.

Hope you're well,
Celestia

PS. Stu is adorably earnest, is he not?

From HRH Tea-Pose, RE: Letter 89

Author's Note

Letter 89: Here.

From HRH Tea-Pose, RE: Letter 89

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

It's wonderful to hear you're having fun with friends, Twilight.

Between you and I, sometimes it's quite fun to play a character very different from yourself, as it allows us to explore new ideas and aspects of ourselves we otherwise would not. Just remember it's alright to ask for advice from time to time!

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Anon, I would agree if it was intentional.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 90

Author's Note

'Letter' 90: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 90

Dear Spike,

Not even quilted? My goodness.

Princess Celestia

From Celestia, RE: Letter 90.1

Author's Note

Letter 90.1: Here.

From Celestia, RE: Letter 90.1

Dear Anon,

Don't worry about it, you should see Spike when he has a cold. Lord Tight Pants took being plastered with snot and tissue rather well, considering. Fancy Pants still snickers a bit when his father crinkles his snout at tissue boxes. Besides, I was alive when not only was there no such thing as toilet paper, there was no such thing as a toilet. It would be... incredibly unpleasant of course, but still by far not the worst thing I've ever had to deal with.

And yes, I do know you're above such things. Your self preservation instinct is uncanny, considering how well you're doing for living in Ponyville.

Your friend,
Celestia.

From HRH Cellymelon, RE: Letter 92

Author's Note

Letter 92: Here.

From HRH Cellymelon, RE: Letter 92

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

In general, my dear student, it may be better to avoid racial pejoratives in all circumstances as a rule. I have found very few cases where it is appropraite to use one, and most of them were either in a classroom, or there was a great deal of violence involved and I needed a way to distract...

Well in any case, best not, Twilight.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 93

Author's Note

Letter 93: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 93

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

... Luna's on her way, I'm coming with her, and we're bringing a variable level of fire with us.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. The decree is written but will be signed depending on the results of the visit.
PPS. If you continue to experiment with necromantic anything Twilight, I'm going to force you to undergo Luna's method of education and it involves a great deal of negative reinforcement.

From HRH Sunsei, RE: Letter 94

Author's Note

Letter 94: Here.

I feel like to give actual advice I'd need a lot more reading under my belt about how to help people on the spectrum navigate conversations like this. I don't have much experience or training with that so... best I got. Feels a bit flat to me, but I'm also gonna try to get back into the habit of answering these sooner.

From HRH Sunsei, RE: Letter 94

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

At some point it became more polite to beg off with some weak excuse than to actually admit a lack of interest or willingness to participate in social events of whatever nature. As I have mentioned before, honesty is usually a better alternative in the long run especially when one has difficulty gauging the appropriateness of a lie.

I realize of course that other ponies may have been the ones to tell a 'little white lie' first, and you sometimes have difficulty differentiating between an actual problem and just a polite excuse, so perhaps I might offer a wayfaring rule: Ask once, if they decline for any given reason, express your wishes that they could attend, and ask if they might be interested some other time. If they express genuine regret that they'll have to miss or can't attend, then you may offer to reschedule or help them reschedule I suppose. If they simply express that it's unfortunate and that 'maybe next time' it may be better to assume that they aren't interested in that specific thing.

If you really can't tell, my faithful student, it is okay to simply ask. It may not be quite as 'polite' but I think it would be better in the long run if you are simply prepared to ask directly anyway. After all, it's meant to spare your feelings on the matter in the first place, when somepony else does it.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH High Beams, RE: Letter 96

Author's Note

Letter 96: Here.
For the record, Celestia does have her own stipend paid out for personal expenditures like this.

From HRH High Beams, RE: Letter 96

Dear Anon,

Please find enclosed an enchanted tablet along with an apology note. I would like you to deliver this to the colt or filly mentioned in the letter sent to me. I would normally entrust this to Twilight but I suspect she might get distracted with the enchantments again and forget to actually pass it on.

Since I know you'll be curious, the tablet is a somewhat more expensive magic item available to ponies which allows the user to visualize media that they otherwise would not be able to, if they lose their sight. The sand will raise itself into an image that a pony can explore with either the frog of their hooves, or our noses. No, the sand will not go flying off when said nose gets used.

This isn't the first time either I or Ms. Velvet have had to give a secondary gift to make up for one of Twilight's.

Your friend,
Celestia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

While your intent was correct and it is sweet of you to want to share one of your gifts and passions with another pony, the point of 'treating everyone equally' describes treating them with the same measure of respect, kindness, generosity, and willingness to acknowledge their status as equal to yours. It does not mean you cannot or should not acknowledge difficulties or differences, merely that they are not lesser for them. Remember, it is never wrong to be considerate when you can be, especially when giving gifts. Perhaps you might discuss this with your friend, Rarity?

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Translated from Equestrian Standard Braille

To my dear little pony,

I'd like to apologize on behalf of my student. She means well but doesn't think things through very well. I have included a little 'part two' of her gift, so that you may enjoy it in the spirit it was given. Simply place the tablet smooth-side down against an open book or paper. Words will be raised either in standard Equestrian or Braille (there's a switch on the side), and pictures will be translated to a physical representation along the surface of the rough side.

I'm sorry it wasn't there by your birthday, my little pony.
A friend.

From Tia, RE: Letter 97

Author's Note

Letter 97: Here.

From Tia, RE: Letter 97

Dear Anon,

But my friend, how could you not adore the sheer musical genius of a single glass-shattering note held for thirteen full seconds? How could the storyline not simply ensnare you in its riveting and unique premise? How could picturing the ponies as screeching angry cats not amuse you throughout?

In all sincerity Anon, I liked an opera. Once. I had never heard the story idea before, the stallion lead had this gorgeous deep voice that rumbled in the floor beneath my hooves almost as much as my own chest, and the mare lead wasn't trained on just high notes. This was back when star-crossed lovers hadn't been done to death, mind you. Unfortunately that was a long time ago and, well, it turns out sponsoring something new and interesting once means if you stop sponsoring it, you've expressed a great many silly ideas about what you support and the direction art is going and the value of art in modern society and all of that nonsense.

If I am honest, it's just one of those obligations I have to meet and I wear earplugs when I can't convince some poor fool to share the... 'experience' with me and provide something that isn't dull, droning, screeching, or monotonous in any combination. I'm grateful you came with me. I didn't actually have to take a few tablets of something for a headache afterward.

Your friend,
Tia

PS. Perhaps consider it vengeance for not warning me of the introduction or the premise of Up.

From HRH Danger Rope, RE: Letter 98

Author's Note

Letter 98: Here.

From HRH Danger Rope, RE: Letter 98

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

As far as potentially disastrous spellwork goes, this is moderately benign and I'm glad that your marefriend has avoided yet another unfortunate death. In the future, consider holding the food item and allowing the other pony to eat it in place, rather than inserting it into their mouth for them. And that's the extent of advice I can give before I express a more pressing sentiment.

What. The buck. Twilight?

This isn't even a 'what were you thinking' so much as just... I have no words, Twilight Sparkle. This is something Discord might have come up with on purpose, but I think even he isn't too fond of vomit.

I am giving serious consideration to asking Discord to train you in chaos magic, because I am starting to believe this would lead to fewer incidents. I'm probably not going to and I suspect Discord's sense of self preservation would prevent it anyway, but my goodness.

I'll... send somepony to take care of the cloud...things.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I told Luna about what happened, and she has ordered you a new kite.

Your friend,
Celestia

Dear Discord,

My student accidentally created life again, and I would request that you find someplace that isn't Equestria where that life may live in relative comfort. This time it's vomitting clouds. And no, not the pleasant sort. Your (un)usual commission will be supplied at a random point between you considering and completing the task. This time it's 'whatever I happen to find when searching for where Luna hid my snack cakes.'

That said... Discord, I am curious as to your interest in teaching.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 100

Author's Note

Happy letter 100.

Which is found: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 100

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Let me begin by saying that I am aware that Necromancy as a field of magic does have positive applications. It is, in fact, the single best means by which to repair rapid cell reproduction defects. Your applications of the field are, admittedly creative, and have been used to positive effect.

With that having been said, I am unconvinced that given your penchant for experimentation and singleminded focus to the detriment of yourself and others lend themselves to a field wherein you could accidentally reduce yourself to a lower form of undead, torment the souls of the dead, torment the souls of the living, or accidentally create yet another outbreak of carnivorous pony-eating monstrosities. And that's before you get creative. Necromancy is not wholly evil, but the reasons most pertinent for why you, in particular, should cease delving into this topic include, in no particular order:

Lack of dark magic psychological effect screening, reduction, and prevention training

Refusal to adhere to established magical development, study, and experimentation standards

Refusal to adhere to proposed magical development, study, and experimentation standards I made explicitly for you

Skewed risk/reward views

Luna is sick of cleaning up after your mistakes

Ponyville's zombie preparedness rating is far too low for a practicing necromancer to live within town borders (or nearby)

No licensed biomancers are willing to move to Ponyville to repair accidental zombification, flesh-rotting spells, or what Anon describes as 'Silent Hill' events.

Your stipend does not cover any of the appropriate fees

You could not afford the Necromancer's tax (Anything you raise which is capable of generating an income is required to pay taxes equivalent to the income it could be generating)

Luna does not have the spare time to teach you

Necromancy continues to be illegal

You would not look good in black leather and/or spikes.

Twilight, necromancers traditionally recieve a single 'cease and desist' warning before they are imprisoned for not just the good of whatever town lives closest, but their own wellbeing.

You cannot read books if your soul has been mutilated by a backfired experiment, Twilight. Well, one of piece of it might retain enough cohesion to read picture books but I'm pretty sure you've read all of those when you were a filly.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. I am not saying 'no, never.' I am saying 'Put this aside for the forseeable future.'

From Fee-Fi-Fo-Fia, RE: Letter 100.1

Author's Note

Letter 100.1: Here.

From Fee-Fi-Fo-Fia, RE: Letter 100.1

Dear Anon,

No.

Not just no, but hay the buck no.

Hay bucking TARTARUS no.

Your friend,
Celestia

From HRH Cellybean, RE: Letter 101

Author's Note

Letter 101: Here.

From HRH Cellybean, RE: Letter 101

Dear Anon,

I see the 'sane one' card got back to its proper place. Thank you for watching out for my little ponies. I'm certain they would have survived at least, but you've probably ensured it will happen with far less therapy, medical issues, and property damage.

Also miss Rarity is correct, but then that's because a Lady traditionally does not imbibe enough to become drunk.

Your friend,
Tia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Pinkie Pie tends to view money as a way to acquire more merriment before anything else, yes.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

To the gargoyle menacing my ponies in the vicinity of Vanhoover,

I apologize in advance.

HRH Celestia.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 102

Author's Note

Letter 102: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 102

Dear Stu,

Just remember, my little changeling, that even if a friendship is brief, that does not mean that it was not real. Sometimes friendships can even form between enemies, odd as that sounds. I hope that you are correct, just do not forget to make friends with others outside of the context of your adventure as well. It is always a pleasure to hear from you.

Your friend,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,
'Lies and wroth?' I mean that's a bit on the nose. And strangely similar to the name of an actual dragon I've met. He was... actually fairly mild mannered.

Your friend,
Tia.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 104

Author's Note

Letter 104: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 104

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Oh, you got a begging face too? I still have one over my mantle from the time Discord asked me on a date.

Thank you for the forewarning, Twilight.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Discord,

I present to you freely the gift of eighteen absences of acorn.

You might have better luck asking the oak tree if you can have the acorns and getting permission from it.

Or ask Fluttershy... or her squirrels.

Princess Celestia.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 106.1, 106.2

Author's Note

Letters 106.1 and 106.2: Here. and here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 106.1, 106.2

Dear Stu,

I'm writing to let you know I have written and visited Ponyville General myself while visiting, and I too would like to apologize for misdirecting you: The hospital requires a certain standard of proven competence usually acquired during Equestrian schooling. Still, I will arrange for a proficiency test when you feel you are ready. Don't worry if you don't pass the first few times, I fully believe in you, so long as you stay motivated.

I will consider your recommendation, but I also feel like it might be a bit too 'on the nose' (which is a saying indicating a little too accurate, particularly for a given context).

Wishing you well,
HRH Celestia

Dear Anon,

Hmmm. Nah.

Your friend,
Tia

From HRH Solaroid, RE: Letter 108

Author's Note

Letter 108: Here.

From HRH Solaroid, RE: Letter 108

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, public indecency is really very difficult to accomplish given that ponies are essentially 'on display' at all times, and yet you keep finding new and interesting ways of accomplishing such.

This sort of thing is why my perverted little ponies invented spells such as 'Wallflower' and 'Somepony Elses Problem'.

And no I'm not going to bother to chastise you for engaging in such activities - we both know what ponies tend to be like - merely for engaging in those activities in such a manner that it causes problems for other ponies. If nothing else, it is highly inconsiderate.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I'm curious. Did you simply stand there and watch them do this, or did you have to sit there and keep a straight face when Twilight explained what happened?

Your friend,
Tia.

From HRH Dawnbreaker, RE: Letter 109

Author's Note

Letter 109: Here.

From HRH Dawnbreaker, RE: Letter 109

Dear Anon,

I feel as though there is a certain context I am missing here regarding why 'Dawnbreaker' relates to the undead and is funny in this context. I do however understand the humor behind 'Zambi' given our movie night last month, but I still feel it is in poor taste. You receive only one smirk out of five.

Your friend,
HRH Dawnbreaker

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I would like to commend you regarding the decision to not set the undead on fire. Not because it would have proven ineffective (though if you are correct regarding intentional creations, it may have been protected against such), but because it would have set the forest on fire in turn and I feel like I have not adequately expressed how angry that tends to make the Everfree.

If the Everfree wants to be on fire, it will set itself on fire. It has done so in the past.

As for your request... I'll think about it.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Luna,

I suppose I should ask. Did you reanimate a young buck in the Everfree and set it about attacking whatever it found? If not, I might actually grant Twilight's request to track it.

Love,
TIa

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 112

Author's Note

Letter 112: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 112

Dear Stu,

I, too, have my own experiences with such a feeling, and heavy emotions. Rather than detail such things in a letter, I am writing to inform you I will be visiting you to discuss such things personally. You need not go through any special preparations to make ready for my arrival, consider it 'informal.' That is, I intend to visit you in the context of a friend, rather than a ruler.

I will see you soon,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I feel I should warn you that as per that devious deviant ruining your good name, they're at it again. I find myself once again genuinely proud of you, and glad for our friendship. I will be visiting Ponyville in the near future as well.

Your friend,
Tia

From HRH Cushy Tush, RE: Letter 114

Author's Note

Letter 114: Here.

From HRH Cushy Tush, RE: Letter 114

To HRH Chrysalis,

I'm not sure you want Twilight officiating. She means well but she gets... tunnel vision. I will be sending a few ambassadors to Ponyville on Our behalf. They are not nobles, and so I expect them to be personable, willing to listen, and moderately open-minded.

I would also like to warn you that Twilight may attempt sexual assault - please do not hold this against her. It's... something of a standard, especially if you show the slightest bit of interest in her. Or appear to show the slightest bit of interest.

I do look forward to improved relations with the Changeling Hive(s), and preferably not having to test my employees quite so regularly.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

Dear Anon,

If you become romantically involved with Queen Chrysalis, Equestrian health care will not cover any sexually-transmissive cross-species diseases you may encounter.

Also, you are not to bring her to our movie nights without prior warning. Luna is still sore about not getting a chance to fight her.

Your friend,
Tia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I will of course be willing to send a few aids to ensure things go smoothly. I do warn you that Equestrian healthcare does not cover changeling STDs. Please keep that in mind should you choose to approach Chrysalis in such a way.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From Tia, RE: Letter 115

Author's Note

Happy (very belated) Hearts and Hooves.

Letter 115: Here.

From Tia, RE: Letter 115

Dear Anon,

That was perhaps one of the sweetest things you have ever committed to writing. Please find included a box of chocolates and a package of my personal stock of coffee, as thanks for your kind, yet amusing words.

Happy hearts and hooves day,
Tia.

PS. One of these days, somepony is going to think you actually intend courtship.

From HRH Funday, RE: Letter 116

Author's Note

Letter 116: Here.

From HRH Funday, RE: Letter 116

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

As you may remember from Magic Kindergarten, it is against The Rules to magically create something capable of asking for its own death - because if denied such it may seek its creators. Biological processes of attaining the same are, however, still legal. Yes I'm aware of the loophole. No, you don't need to test it.

Also, I'm sorry to say you'll be re-visiting the courtroom due to counts of willful negligence of a dependent and mixing cereal with grape juice. Culinary crimes are, after the successful lobbying of one of the most strangely convincing rams I have ever met, still crimes. I'm still not sure how that happened.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Celestia: RE: Letter 119

Author's Note

Letter 119: Here.

From HRH Celestia: RE: Letter 119

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

No.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

Where were you during the Incident?

Your friend,
Tia

Dear Spike,

Have you ever wanted to lead a research / investigation team?

Awaiting your response,
Princess Celestia

From Tia, RE: Letter 120

Author's Note

Letter 120: Here.

From Tia, RE: Letter 120

Dear Anon,

I'm on my way. I'll wear those amusing glasses with the moustache and see how long it takes her to recognize me.

Your friend,
Tia

Luna,

So, you did claim the Moon as soverigen territory so your time there meant that you didn't have to pay taxes to yourself right?
If not, maybe go fudge the paperwork. I will conveniently be out of the palace for the next little while, so I would be completely unaware if records indicating a six billion bit tax (apparently) is a non-issue.

Love,
Celestia

To the Readers (And Anon)

Author's Note

Dear Readers,

Yes, you!

I'm afraid I haven't been writing much lately and I haven't felt very 'Celestia'-ish so doing this last set of letters to catch up to a nice even 120 was surprisingly taxing. As such, I do not think I will be continuing this side of the story. I do encourage 2Merr to consider writing their own continuation (since they were originally going to anyway). If a continuation of Tia's side turns up, feel free to list it as a sequel to this and/or the original Dear Princess Sunbutt.

I will be marking this story 'Complete' since there's no major overarching plot to 'cancel'.

It's been a wonderful trip, and I'll still be around I'm sure.

Lots of love,
Snow

To the Readers (And Anon)

Dear Anon,

Thank you for the gift of the odd little 'tablet' device, it will save me a great deal of paper and ink in the future, and the metallic pen with which to operate it was very considerate. So was loading it with movies!

I look forward to learning to use this interesting piece of technology, and potentially reverse engineering it.

Your friend,
Tia.

From Tia, RE: Letter 105

Author's Note

Letter 105: Here.

Happy holidays (a teeny bit late) everypony. May the frozen wintery death held in abeyance by our friendship be withheld another year.

From Tia, RE: Letter 105

Dear Anon,

Please do not coerce my ponies into singing that as a heart song. Or Luna's ponies. Or any being's ponies for that matter.

Happy hearth's warming Anon, the odd parallel with your Christmas festivities where we celebrate another year of not being frozen to death thanks to the power of friendship and love.

Your loving friend,
Tia.

From HRH Burnbutt, RE: Letter 12

Author's Note

Letter 12: Here.

From HRH Burnbutt, RE: Letter 12

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I'm pleased to hear you've had a chance to spend some time with Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie recently, and even more had the opportunity to share stories from your past. I do understand it can be tempting to attempt to get attention back on oneself when they were anticipating a bit of one-on-one time, but it is good to remember that another friend visiting unexpectedly is just an opportunity for more fun and quality time, or if you truly do wish a bit of time without, it's best to find a good moment and make your feelings clear in a polite, and friendly manner.

I have taken the liberty of including the checklist you forgot yesterday during tea time, and look forward to our next meeting. You seem to be doing a bit better since we've resumed our talks.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. I have included on the back of your checklist a few communication titles I believe you may find interesting.

Dear Anon,

I believe I already told you I am familiar with my student's proclivities.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From Tia, RE: Letter 16

Author's Note

Letter 16: Here.

From Tia, RE: Letter 16

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Respecting a friend's preferences when they are not harmful to that friend's well-being is an important part to keeping any friend. You have learned a very important lesson not only in friendship, but in life, and I am proud of you. I'm glad Spike made it back safely, I know he missed you.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I hope you're feeling well by the time you get this letter. I do rather miss your wit and I continue to wonder as to why my student does not write her own letters from time to time. Remember, though you are not a native citizen you are free to visit any Equestrian hospital for general healthcare and be treated without charge. Should you not be feeling better by next week, do be sure to visit. I did take the liberty of making the results of those basic health-scans available as a baseline to the local hospital.

Hope you feel better,
Celestia.

From HRH Chillestia, RE: Letter 46

Author's Note

Letter 46: Here.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I am in no way supporting illegal activities or behaviors in your city, state, province, country of origin, or universal sector. If you receive permission from a large white pony princess (or blue) to engage in illicit activities, please consider taking a period of time to allow any odd chemicals in your system to vacate said system, reconvene with pony princess, and discuss legal alternatives.

From HRH Chillestia, RE: Letter 46

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Certain mind-altering plants, spells, compounds, or phenomenon are indeed bad for the underlying health concerns, or for the possible repercussion of acting day to day with your mind inebriated. Used in moderation and responsibly there are a great many helpful or benign uses for nearly anything of the sort. Giggle grass, for example, is sometimes used as an alternative to anesthesia for stressful visits, such as to a dentist.

That said, these should be used in moderation, and only under supervision.

Further, I impress upon you that aforementioned mind-altering things prescribed by a licensed medical doctor (familiar with pony biology) are generally exempt from 'only under supervision' but you should follow the instructions. If you dislike how they make you feel or act, discuss them with the doctor for other options.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. This reminds me Twilight, have you been taking your prescription regularly?

From HRH Sunbutt, RE: Letter 1

Author's Note

Letter 1: Here

From HRH Sunbutt, RE: Letter 1

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I have received your missive and friendship lesson courtesy of Anon. I'm glad to hear Spike has decided to explore his options as an Equestrian Citizen, and will ensure I keep in touch with him for you. I admit I am proud of you for trying to make Anon feel as though they fit in by giving them meaningful tasks, but perhaps you should make an effort to write me yourself on occasion. I do miss your direct contact from time to time.

As per your friendship lesson... that is a very important lesson indeed. We may not always succeed in putting our best hooves forward, but it's important to acknowledge our mistakes and make amends.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

PS. It's nice to see you are adjusting to your life in Equestria, Anon. I appreciate your razor whit and most esteemable and eloquent conveyance of the pleasure of your current position. I know I sometimes feel your own difficulties equally.

From HRH Not-Luna RE: Letter 4

To my dear student, Twilight Sparkle,

I understand schedules can be very frustrating when wishing to spend time with those you care for, and it is very important to be mindful of one's own schedule when considering theirs. I do recall your fondness for checklists, but perhaps you may find utility out of the enclosed day planner I myself have found useful.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

Dear Anon,

I have sent this letter separately to thank you for the compliment on behalf of my sister. She is not often available during the day but she does look forward to reading ~~Twa~~ Twilight's reports, and while shocked at first by your particular brand of humor, none-the-less admits that referring to her as 'perfection' must be a sign of good character. That being said, I recommend you take care to not allow my student to see the letters posted; her humor is very different from ours.

Furthermore, I'm becoming concerned about the content of these letters. Precisely how much of this is your particular brand of information sharing?

Penned by,
HRH, Celestia.

Author's Note

Letter 4: Here.

From HRH Bootybutt, RE: Letter 8

Author's Note

Letter 8: Here.

From HRH Bootybutt, RE: Letter 8

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Responsibility is a very important thing and sometimes it is easy to overlook or misunderstand ones personal responsibilities, and I am pleased you have learned an important lesson. I thank you as always for the letter, and I admit curiosity about the incident in question. Perhaps you would be willing to discuss it with me over tea sometime this weekend? A bit of time has opened up in my schedule.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

Dear Anon,

I am seriously beginning to grow concerned with things in Ponyville, and your diction indicates things are not improving for you personally. That said I thank you somewhat belatedly for the clarification, but my mind was on things a bit more important and only recently did I re-read your postscript. Further, your irreverence is both refreshing, and infuriating. As such I have taken the liberty to arrange such that your next shipment of preferred coffee will be unavailable in Ponyville for at least two weeks, out of concern of possible tampering.

On to other matters, I am also very concerned with Twilight's implied attitude, though I suppose I can't blame her for referring to the Diarchy as such, given that my sister has been.. away. I hope to gauge and perhaps rectify some of these issues this weekend.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia
PS. Luna says 'hello.'

From HRH Celery, RE: Letter 11

Author's Note

Letter 11: Here.

From HRH Celery, RE: Letter 11

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I'm glad to hear you've safely returned home to Ponyville, and are spending more time with your friends. On the note of those friends, everypony has strengths and weaknesses, and the strengths of some are not those of others. That is perfectly alright, and is not something to be ashamed of. I'm very sorry to hear you were injured learning an important lesson about utilizing one's strengths wisely. I look forward to seeing you again for tea.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

PS. Anon, thank you for returning my sister's property promptly. I'm not entirely sure how it ended up in your possession, but Luna turned a most interesting shade when she realized she had forgotten it.

From HRH Bighorse, RE: Letter 17

Author's Note

Letter 17: Here.

From HRH Bighorse, RE: Letter 17

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, do you remember when we had that talk when you were young about your brother's Ogres and Oubliettes game and the difference between Wisdom and Intelligence? To recall: Intelligence (of which you have plenty) is knowing that you could probably catch a changeling using your brother's great love for yourself and Princess Cadence as bait. Wisdom is realizing why you shouldn't. I'm glad to hear you regret the choice in the end, but you've possibly permanently damaged Shining Armor's trust in you, Twilight. I'm also afraid to say that Cadence wants a word with you.

I hope you learn an even more important lesson from all of this about the importance of trust, and consent.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Cadence,

Cadence, I don't blame you and I agree Twilight appears to need some actual psychological evaluation but we both know she means well. She just has... prioritization issues at times. As an apology to your husband I've arranged for a voucher to the royal enchanter should he wish to have additional work done without charge on a charm or armor to help him feel safe again. If you have the contact details of any certified pony left that's willing to attempt to act as a therapist for Twilight, please compose a list and send it to me at your convenience. There's none with more than a year or two of experience in Canterlot that's willing to accept appointments with the young mare since the Quesadilla Incident.

Your loving aunt,
Celestia.

From HRH Not-Queen, RE: Letter 19

Author's Note

Letter 19: Here.

From HRH Not-Queen, RE: Letter 19

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Sometimes it can be truly difficult to communicate what is nearest and dearest to our hearts and it can be very frightening to expose those feelings to others. This does not make you a bad pony. You're becoming a better pony day by day, and there are so many ponies happy to help you every step of the way. All you ever have to do is ask.

That said, my faithful student, I implore you to remember lessons about trust and consent, and those talks Cadence made sure to give you. Speaking of Cadence, if you should ever need advice about a very special somepony in the future, be sure you ask her before your brother. I'm told he was somewhat oblivious for awhile.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

Dear Anon,

While I'm certain your insights are not entirely inaccurate, I have a difficult time believing that you would inflict such mortification upon Fluttershy should these missives ever see general circulation. Further, we are at least trying to help Twilight. Perhaps I should forward those magazines to her as well?

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

Dear Cadence,

NOPE. You're the Princess of Love, and that means love-making is YOUR problem. I am NOT giving my student relationship advice after last time.

Your not-involved-but-still-loving Aunt,
Celestia

From Tia, RE: Letter 20.1

Author's Note

Letter 20.1: Here.

And upon browsing derpibooru for more pics I have not asked permission to use, I have decided this is the one included in the last letter.

From Tia, RE: Letter 20.1

Dear 'Nonny',

My sister is many things, but she steadfastly refuses to admit she is adorable, and admittedly that only exacerbates the 'problem'. As for jealousy... Mmm, well I've been on both sides of that fence at one point but I do have to say I enjoyed being the 'goth marefriend' in the relationship, though no stallion was brave enough to make the attempt. Plenty oggled, but that's a story for another time, hmm?

I share every single friendship lesson with Luna to help her re-acclimate, to spend some quality time, and to share a laugh. I have taken to showing her our correspondance as well (and she is a rather adorable shade of 'unripe purple blueberry' right now, ~~yes right now as I'm writing~~ T'IS LIES AND CALUMNY! SLANDER I SAY!

I apologize about that, my sister took exception. Though she was pleased about being 'the favorite'.

In the interest of not having more ink splattered on this page, I shall end it here.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia
HRH Luna

PS. Anon, while your attraction to me is flattering I do wonder if it is merely appreciation of my physique or something actually worthy of note. - Luna

From HRH Hotcake, RE: Letter 25

Author's Note

Letter 25: Here.

From HRH Hotcake, RE: Letter 25

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

You may be entertained to learn that the manners employed by nobility, upper class, 'old money' and entrepreneurs differ slightly with each of the former insisting the latter are 'getting it wrong.' Generally I just select the pony I respect the most as an authority on such things at the meal, and imitate their silverware or dining habits, when I am in doubt. It's amazing how much those little rules can change over a century, much less a millennium. If I may be honest, I rather miss the days where using silverware for anything but doling out portions was considered an insult to source of the food. Besides, these little rituals tend to make ponies happy, even if it is not precisely the most efficient usage of time.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I have noticed during the last few letters you've actually been toning down your disparaging remarks just a bit. While I still am forced to mostly guess as per the exact wording of my student's missives, I hope this is a sign that you are finally settling in and finding a measure of comfort and happiness in Equestria.

Either that or my student is actively regressing and there's little you can do to make it worse than it already is.

Penned optimistically by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 26

Author's Note

Letter 26: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 26

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Ah. I knew this day would come.

My dear, faithful Twilight Sparkle, I'm sad to say you have stumbled upon the H. Pokey conspiracy.

Fear not Twilight, I will recover your right hoof post haste. You are not the intended target of this operation.

... Seriously though Twilight, the context the 'hokey pokey' song refers to is limited strictly to the song itself referring to the dance and, moreover, the silliness inherent. Although if I did initiate a hokey pokey conspiracy, or had one initiated upon my directives and you were, in fact, not the intended target, you'd probably be receiving a very similar letter and a request not to publicize such. We'll discuss it over tea, because any hypothetical conspiracy of this nature would of course not be discussed over mail, even dragon-fire mail.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.

PS. By royal decree I hereby return possession of one or all of your hooves to your person in perpetuity. Just in case.

From HRH Sylvestia, RE: Letter 27

Author's Note

Letter 27: Here.

From HRH Sylvestia, RE: Letter 27

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Remember, my student, that though a pony may not always be a good fit for a specific circumstance, that does not rule out that pony is talented and worthy of consideration in another way. In a game free of consequence, it may be worth making the less optimal choice for victory for the chance to make another pony feel valued and special. You never really know what a pony will be like before you get to know them.

Winning is enjoyable, but after the game is over, you've only still just won a game. If you've won a friend, well that's a prize above and beyond.

I am rather curious about the reason you elected to play dodgeball, however. Usually you had to be coerced into physical activity. Perhaps your friends Applejack and Rainbow Dash are starting to help you make good habits?

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Regarding those 'empathy' exercises I've been assigning you, this letter was coated in a substance which reacts to levitation magic to cause a temporary weight adjustment. Enjoy your heavy week, Twilight!

From HRH Sunscreen, RE: Letter 27.2

Author's Note

Letter 27.2: Here.

From HRH Sunscreen, RE: Letter 27.2

Dear Anon,

Unfortunately for you, Spike has slept for a month straight once, so strictly speaking no, it wouldn't count. And I can think of no means you have access to that would suffice to keep Twilight unconscious that long without harming her potentially irreversibly. Given that Luna and I do harbor some fondness for Twilight, momentary extreme bouts of social incomprehension or lack of judgement aside... Well, suffice to say the answer is no.

As for asking me out on a date... Why Anon, what would Luna think?

Tell you what. Your reward is a film night with Luna without me, and I'll even arrange for Twilight, Spike, and the Pink One to be too busy that same night to interrupt. If you fail, you'll just have to wait for another group meeting to make itself available.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia
PS. If Twilight shows a real, marked improvement in lesson retention and there are no legal issues pending, I may just ask Luna to gift you with a bottle of Moonshine. She normally doesn't give out entire bottles since it's... mildly hallucinogenic.

From HRH Hot Potato, RE: Letter 29

Author's Note

Letter 29: Here.

From HRH Hot Potato, RE: Letter 29

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Unfortunately it is true that kindness being paid to others is not always returned immediately, but I am so very proud of you for wishing to return a lost infant to its mother. Animals of more instinct-driven intellect are sometimes driven to, in the case of large litters or harsh times, abandon the least capable of their young so that they may ensure the survival of others, or if things are considerably bad, themselves. I'm still certain that involving Fluttershy was the correct thing to do, and I know that you desiring to care for such a being likely helped strengthen your friendships.

While Anon's idea of perhaps maintaining distance and being careful of the skunk's natural defenses did have a certain merit as per avoiding a tomato-based fate, I once again am pleased that you were able and willing to extend your empathy to a lost kit and try to find their home.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. While there is no specific spell to counteract skunk musk, there are a variety of herbal remedies a bit more efficacious than tomato juice. I have included a few within.

From HRH Tea N. Crumpet, RE: Letter 35

Author's Note

Letter 35: Here.

From HRH Tea N. Crumpet, RE: Letter 35

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, I trust and believe in you always, but consider this a formal request to stop dancing without lessons in public. In your own home, or a party thrown within said home where guests are aware you will be dancing are of course fine, your dance moves have raised significant concern that you are, in fact, having a seizure, may be possessed by fell monsters from beyond the pale, or that your flailing hooves may have caused permanent injury.

Your exuberance and excitement in your appreciation of music is laudable and I really am glad you are having fun, but it is necessary to think of others.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Anon once mentioned something called 'The Safety Dance' to me. Perhaps this is something you could learn in the pursuit of safer self expression?

From Princess Celestia, To: Pinkamena D. Pie (40)

Author's Note

Letter 40: Here.

From Princess Celestia, To: Pinkamena D. Pie (40)

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Between you and me, ponies have been trying to deliver warm gooey cookies for a very long time. Would you like to know the secret that they've come across time and time again? It's simple, really... You have to meet in pony and enjoy them together, so you and that pony can see each other smiling as they share something good. So, I suppose I simply must come visit you, Pinkie. Do keep quiet about it though, won't you? I'm certain many other ponies would make quite a big fuss, as always.

As for my student and Anon... Well I wish I could say I was surprised but it is Ponyville and it is Twilight... I suppose I'm glad that she's well enough to see to their own treatment.

Thank you for the compliment, also. My sister appreciates it as do I. You know, I think it would be okay for you to help us raise the moon and sun one day. All you have to do, the next time you're visiting, is stand next to us, close your eyes, and do your very best to think of what the new dawn or new night means to you, and wish your very hardest to share it with all of your friends.

Your friend,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

Be glad that we've managed to adapt that spell from potion form. It's slower, but far less unpleasant.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From Tia, RE: Letter 51

Author's Note

Letter 51: Here.

EDIT: I hope this isn't too preachy.
EDIT2: Restructured that one really long sentence a bit.

From Tia, RE: Letter 51

Dear Anon,

The Elements of Harmony represent virtues which support a powerful force in our world. It is not the virtues that are flawed, but ponies, and even our perceptions of ponies. Ponies, and I assume humans (given your behavior) all have good inside of them, but sometimes we don't stay true to that good inside of us, or it doesn't show as clearly as we'd like. What the Elements require the most is that we can understand that virtue within our hearts, and we do try to strive for that virtue in our daily loves. It's okay if we can't always manage it, the effort and the light in our hearts are channeled by the Elements toward a goal.

The closer a pony is to that virtue, and the truer they are to it, the more good the Elements of Harmony can do.

The other caveat is, however, a pony usually can't be all of these things at once, and if you should willingly betray one of those virtues (rather than simply fail it), that element will not serve you in the future. When we have friends that are trustworthy, that will stand beside us, that will help us when we are hurt, that will share when we are without, that will make us smile when things are dark, that will shine the light that shows how the world can be just that much better, there is nothing in this world we cannot accomplish. Nothing we can't do. No good that is beyond our reach.

We are ponies, Anon, we aren't perfect, but there is great good in this world that we have done, and will try to continue doing.

Your friend,
Princess Celestia

PS. I'm told 'orbital friendship cannon' is a popular alternative name.

From HRH Corona, RE: Letter 56

Author's Note

Letter 56: Here.

From HRH Corona, RE: Letter 56

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

That... would be from a point in my life I'm not especially proud of, and I did eventually entomb the dragon skull after I gained a healthier respect for the lives and deaths of others. Besides, we didn't really have bleach back then and most spells to... prepare bones were unpalatable so it tended to have a rather unpleasant smell. It served the purpose of terrifying a certain few other nations into avoiding conflict during a tenuous time in history, mind you.

I'm pleased you've managed to coax Luna into telling you some stories of our past. Just make sure she doesn't get into the salt - she's... a boisterous drunk.

Seriously, property damage has never failed to ensue. This warning also counts as a transfer of liability if you should be proven to have willfully inebriated her on Equestrian soil.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I debated whether or not to be coquettish about this, but if I found out my sister was hurt as a result I would feel remiss. Ponies have certain aspects of body language which we usually do not vocalize, and most are either familiar enough with ponies or are ponies themselves, that recieve such gestures. A light brush of tail to the muzzle - or nose - tends to denote interest, Anon.

I do hope she finds your obliviousness amusing. Perhaps you should research more on Equestrian body language and gestures. There are visitors guides after all.

Your friend,
Celestia

From HRH Saintlestia, RE: Letter 61

Author's Note

Letter 61: Here.

Equestria is listed as a class 5 death world by most infernal realms.

From HRH Saintlestia, RE: Letter 61

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, I am somewhat conflicted.

On the one hoof, generally speaking accountants should not be summoned from other planes of existence, and I feel that a review of Pinkie Pie's Extraplanar Summoner's license is needed. On the other, you probably should have explained to Anon that while necromancy is quite illegal, the careful contract-binding of extraplanar entities is still legal provided the summoner is licensed and submits the relevant paperwork. I'm proud of you for not assuming the worst of guests simply because of their species or origin, Twilight.

I do, however, need to point out that if you didn't know in advance Pinkie Pie holds a summoner's license, Anon would have been correct in his actions.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. If you did not know in advance, I still can't quite blame you for your nonchalance because Pinkie is involved.
PPS. As a personal favor, please don't offer constructive criticism to would-be conquerers.

Dear Anon,

Demon summoning and binding is not technically illegal, but is highly regulated. It's covered under a larger set of laws covering extraplanar interactions, and a regularly updated list of those realms whom have filed a restraining order against us, and vice versa.

The former list is, incidentally, far larger than the other.

I applaud your quick thinking, and no harm was done. It's probably best Pinkie doesn't summon accountants either.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

From HRH Celcium, RE: Letter 63

Author's Note

Letter 63: Here.

From HRH Celcium, RE: Letter 63

Dear Anon,

Twilight actually learned a lesson. About Friendship. She didn't even mess up anything first to do it. This was legitimately a breakthrough!

You're invited to the palace. Included is a train ticket, a writ of passage (a fancy way of telling the guards to allow you into the palace at any hour, though private areas are still private), and the location of where you can pick up a bouquet of Luna's favorite flowers. I know you haven't quite managed the deadline of our deal but I just think we all need to celebrate.

Your friend,
Celestia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, today you've learned an important lesson about friendship, about caring for other ponies, and about life. I'm so proud of you, Twilight.

Keep it up, my little pony. I know you can do it.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Sunflower, RE: Letter 64

Author's Note

Letter 64: Here.

From HRH Sunflower, RE: Letter 64

Dear Applejack,

When I granted the land upon which Ponyville was founded to your great grandfather, I had no idea what a prosperous and special town Ponyville would grow to become. So imagine my surprise when I learn of your response to the march of progress and a citizen of that very town seeking to develop just beside you.

On paper, this is a reprimand for spiteful useage of resources.
In actuality, I find it hilarious.

Amusingly, most of Ponyville is actually still owned by the Apple Family, including I believe Mr. Rich's family home. The tennants pay taxes for that land on your behalf, which is why it doesn't come up, but your family actually doesn't have the authority to sell land granted by the crown without going through the crown in the process. Since the settlers of Ponyville didn't bother talking to me about it for the most part after Town Hall was established... Well, technically you could order the Guard to evict a significant portion of town.

I will not be telling you which portions, but odds are decent you just bought back your own land to spite a squatter.

All that said, if you do act on this knowledge it'll only really work once, so I suggest you sit on it for a rainy day.

Regards,
HRH Celestia

PS. I would also be disappointed in you and your entire family if they were to abuse this fact without significant reason.

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

It is often comforting to know your friends are a force to be contended with, and that is an interesting story.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 68

Author's Note

Letter 68: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 68

Dear Mayor Ivory Scroll,

I apologize for the extensive property damage just outside of town but I was in something of a rush. A naughty denizen of one of the lower realms needed an ever so slight bit of corrective action. If it is of any consolation, I'm told that volcanic ash is incredibly fertile and following a bit of tender love and care from pegasi and earth ponies, should prove very profitable as farmland in the future.

The Crown will of course reimburse reconstruction for the resulting earthquakes, and remember that though cowering demonic beings are adorable, they are not pets. If anypony in town encounters such a refugee, please notify me or the nearest crown-licensed summoner so that they may be returned safely home outside of the blast radius.

Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

Dear Pinkie Pie,

I'm sorry to say that following an unsuccessful closure of contract your summoner's license is being called in for an audit early. I don't care how sinfully chocolatey your confectionery can be, if you can't use it responsibly you lose the privilege. Especially since now we have another plane with a restraining order against us.

Your friend,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I hope your stay in the hospital has been uneventful and pleasant. Don't worry, you aren't being held responsible for the damage outside town, or the several square acres which have been temporarily rendered volcanically active. I'll see you for movie night.

Your friend,
Celestia

Dear Halthorne Von Doomface,

I apologize again for the collateral damage to your realm, I was not aware that you had three local stellar objects of significant power when I acted. I realize that apologies do not bring back the dead, but I believe your realm was listed as one of those with active reincarnation cycles, and therefor I hope that when the council can reconvene after its next iteration, you elect to reconsider the Do-Not-Summon order.

If you need anything, do let me know via the usual channels, and I hope you are not put off of ponies permanently.

May your enemies decorate your walls,
Princess Celestia.

From HRH Pale Horse, RE: Letter 70

Author's Note

Letter 70: Here.

From HRH Pale Horse, RE: Letter 70

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, I will choose to believe that neither you nor your actions have caused the spacial rift, nor the eventuality of you falling into one. I will also choose to believe that all of recorded Equestrian history is lucky enough to have never encountered a similar circumstance, or at least never quite managed the portion of reattaching the soul to a cadaver apparently without access to magic.

I choose to believe these things because Discord disavows all involvement.

So. Luna is on a 'business trip' at the moment, so do try to avoid causing another zombie panic, and I'm afraid my skill in necromancy extends to identifying it, and eradicating it with extreme prejudice.

Please bear in mind you are currently classified as 'undead' so do avoid the usual countermeasures until Luna can sort this out.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Twilight I love you, but you're why I cannot take a vacation.

From HRH Very Upset, RE: Letter 70.3

Author's Note

Loot 70.3: Here.

From HRH Very Upset, RE: Letter 70.3

Luna,

Do you remember when you thought defibrillation should be classified as a necromantic usage? I'm sorry I doubted you. It would make a lot of life-saving equipment very hard to justify legally however. Turns out Twilight managed to get herself alive again.

Somehow.

Seriously could you make sure she's not technically a ghost possessing herself?

Love,
Celestia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I'm sending my sister anyway because this entire ordeal needs someopny qualified to appreciate just how bizarre today has been. I can understand why you informed that poor family of the story you did, but I do rather wish you had chosen a story which featured him going painlessly to make mourning less unpleasant.

Please go to bed Twilight, I'd like to take a few hours to get a drink.
Anon, prepare for immediate teleportation upon recieving this letter.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Luna, RE: Letter 72

Author's Note

Letter 72: Here.

From HRH Luna, RE: Letter 72

Dear Anon,

My friend, you only needed ask!

That aside, I do welcome your friendship, and I do enjoy our time together. I'm pleased you gave more thought to a prospective relationship in a serious way. If things progress in that direction, we can redress the topic. Otherwise, friendship is just as special in its own way.

Your friend,
HRH Luna

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 73

Author's Note

Letter 73: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 73

Dear Anon,

I hope your past letter was cathartic to write as Pinkie Pie seems to be causing you a good deal of stress by merit of.. Well, Pinkie's antics are such that there are a few researchers that have suggested she's a visiting chaos deity from another plane. We don't put very much weight into those theories, partially because we don't want to acknowledge they might be right. Nopony laughs too loudly when they come up, either.

If I may make a suggestion, take comfort from the idea that Pinkamena Diane Pie is one of the most benign ponies you'll ever meet and be grateful that her capabilities are used for, rather than against, others.

Your friend,
Celestia

Dear Pinkie Pie,

I feel that perhaps nopony has taken the time to explain this: Pinkie, your special abilities which allow you to, for example: enter a room despite all entrances being locked and warded; produce a baked good which requires an hour to produce in five minutes; or ride a slide in reverse; are abilities which most ponies either do not possess, or are not aware they possess. When a pony stares and asks a question you think to be obvious or strange, consider that it may, in fact, be a case of you having done something which another pony (or otherwise) believes to be impossible.

I am aware it is possible, by merit of the fact that you could do it. I am not debating this.

However, many ponies, when their view of reality is challenged suddenly and significantly, react with distress, and not in the variety usually reserved for pranks. I would of course never suggest you don't do your very best to live up to your cutiemark and your desires to see others happy and well, but perhaps you could, when you notice somepony expressing confusion about you or your capabilities, endeavor to simply do those things out of that being's sight in the future? Simply to avoid unnecessary stress.

Your friend,
Princess Celestia

Discord,

I will ask directly. Is Pinkamena Diane Pie a relative of yours?

Celestia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 74.1

Author's Note

Letter 74.1: Here.
Based on a comment or two, there's a bit of mood whiplash here, so fair warning.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 74.1

Dear Twilight Velvet,

I apologize for contacting you so soon after the first missive, but additional information has come to light of which I feel you should be made aware. As such, I have enclosed your daughter's latest missive upon learning of our impending meeting.

Unfortunately, this is not new behavior, but I had hoped she was improving after awhile. I would ask we meet to discuss options and circumstances, and I will of course share some of our recent correspondence to paint a better picture of how things stand.

Twilight the younger has great potential, Ms. Velvet, and I know she has a good heart that's merely stymied by her judgement at times, so please.

Help me help her.

Penned by,
Princess Celestia

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, I know in your heart you want to help others, I know you are a good pony. I know these things. You're the same little pony who gave up your favorite storybook to help another little filly learn to read. You're the same filly that used to curl up beside me and ask how come ponies are so weird about just explaining things. I know you have difficulties, Twilight, I know that if we can just find the right way, you'll shine like a guiding star.

I'm not meeting with your mother to punish you, Twilight. I am doing so because I want to help you, and I'm beginning to feel that I cannot do so alone. I intend on funding from my personal accounts a trip to Ponyville for one or both of your parents, and a place to stay. I realize suddenly being without an authority figure to quickly ask for advice and explain certain expectations and requirements of functioning in society at large was a bad idea only after going through with it, and I apologize for failing you, Twilight.

If you aren't taking your medication, we can work on it. If it isn't helping as much as it used to, we can fix it. If you need somepony you can rely on to explain to you how to take your good intentions and use them to do good other ponies can easily see, then we'll get that for you.

All will be well, my little pony.

Princess Celestia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 77

Author's Note

OK, so, it turns out that I've been taking things a bit too seriously. I'll be lightening up from here on out. Sorry for going a little too straight for the original zany flavor lately, so I'll stop pushing the whole 'Twi needs help' angle and be a bit sillier. This'll be the last serious letter for awhile I think. :heart:

Letter 77: Here

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 77

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I'm so very happy to hear things should hopefully be on the mend. I do know Ponyville is a little colorful at times, and I know everything won't be all better right away. Remember you have a lot of ponies willing to support and help you. Thank you for the letter Twilight, and keeping me up to date. It is my pleasure to help.

I look forward to hearing your next lesson on friendship, or even just letter saying 'hello'!

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Lady, RE: Letter 80

Author's Note

Letter 80: Here.

From HRH Lady, RE: Letter 80

Dear Knight Xote,

Your princess of the Sun requests your presence in Canterlot at your convenience to discuss your tenure as a Knight of Equestria, and to ensure that all is well within the lands thereof.

Journey safe, sir Knight,
HRH Celestia

Dear Mending Ways,

Don't worry, this isn't about Twilight Sparkle.

There seems to be a gentlejack by the name of Xote (ho-tay) who believes himself to be a knight of the realm. To my knowledge I have not knighted any pony, donkey, mule, or otherwise in the past several years and I do not recognize the name as it is not even remotely familiar with the grand total of two donkey knights whom I believe would still be alive today. I would like to request your availability in the near future to assess this jack for his mental health, and whether or not he is a danger to himself or others. I would prefer to do so without upsetting him, and see no harm in playing along.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

PS. I do so hope you've been recovering from your phobia of the color purple.

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

To be perfectly fair Twilight, the craziest being to ever have (legitimately) claimed the title 'Knight of Equestria' was Sir Tally the Fourth. Sir Tally had a rather nasty habit of running off before I could finish assigning a mission and caused no less than eight diplomatic incidents, the razing of a cabbage farm, and singlehoofedly won a war that was brewing with a small diamond dog enclave. Admittedly those are just the exploits history records (at least in books I have read mentioning him), but he once successfully delivered a bouquet of orchards to me as an ode to my beauty. No, I did not misspell 'orchids,' he had actually managed to cut down a total of forty fruit-bearing trees, and shrank them to the size of a bouquet of flowers. I don't know how, because Sir Tally was an Earth Pony. And that was on his first day of duty. I drank more alcohol during his lifetime than any other period of my life.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. I realize he still doesn't sound quite as insane as a donkey engaging in battle against a building, but that's mostly because I don't want to give anypony ideas.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 81.1

Author's Note

Letter 81.1: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 81.1

Agent A. Lamps,

Permission granted on both counts and indefinite stay of execution is, as always, permitted. I am well aware of Anon's ... colorful descriptors. He is rather surprisingly easygoing when not dealing with my student, and makes for good conversation. Should he invite you for a film night, you also have my permission to accept, though with forewarning that my sister and I are often present in a more casual sense. If I come up in one of your 'stories' you have my permission to act in a professionally familiar way in the context of said meetings.

I will, however, offer a warning: I suspect that Anon does not report on all of my student's activities and moreover, her misshaps. If you should get into a competition with him regarding the most bizarre thing you've encountered, I would prefer you concede victory if it would require a C-rank mission or above unless it has been deemed effectively public knowledge.

I don't know what they get up to, Agent Lamps, but I know that Discord has not actively caused chaos in Ponyville in months. On his last visit, he likened it to overgarnishing an already perfect dish. Paraphrased of course.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

PS. You have 40 vacation days banked, Agent. Feel free to use them rather than burn out.

From HRH Cell-in-a-Hell, RE: Letter 82

Author's Note

Letter 82: Here.

From HRH Cell-in-a-Hell, RE: Letter 82

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Professional wrestling is choreographed to an extent, my faithful student, some more than others. The purpose of the venue has always been entertainment, and if only the most efficient methods of, say, takedown were utilized, it'd become very dull very quickly. Moreover, an actual fight would prove dangerous to the health of the participants on a level that would be unacceptable; it is rather disturbingly easy to kill a pony by accident if you don't know exactly what you're doing.

As you well know.

That said, ponies don't like it shoved in their face that such things aren't completely unscripted beatdowns as they would wish to appear, and so the disclaimers are usually waived except on media which is actually bought or sold, which tends to use words like 'spectacle' 'extravaganza' or 'exhibition'. That last one suggests a show in particular.

Still, I digress, and would like to introduce you to a concept known as 'suspension of disbelief.' It suggests that something is interesting, entertaining, or moving enough to temporarily forget or choose to ignore that what you are seeing is not 'real', or at least isn't as it seems, for the sake of enjoyment. There are a variety of books on the subject.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Did you know I was a professional wrestler for a grand total of fifteen minutes?

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 86.2

Author's Note

Letter 86.2: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 86.2

Dear Anon,

Glad to hear you're well, and that my student is showing... remarkable restraint, all things considered. I'm also pleased both that the hospital is willing to treat Stupid, and able to do so.

If you wish, you may accompany Stupid to the Tower as well, as you are likely the closest thing he(?) (Did we ever establish Stupid was male?) has to a friend right now. Possibly ever. Try to take care of him, alright Anon?

Your friend,
Celestia

To Ponyville General,

I apologize for the general nature of the address but I'm uncertain who this would end up directed to. I would like for the changeling known as 'Stupid' to have a few non-invasive tests done to determine a healthy diet and whether or not it differs significantly from pony tendencies. It occurrs to me that there may have been assumptions involved about what precisely the Elements of Harmony would have considered appropriate dietary needs for a changeling's biology.

I would also appreciate it if Mr. Anon is allowed to visit this changeling, so long as guardpony is present.

Penned by,
HRH Celestia

Dear Stupid,

I'm sorry to hear about your misfortune with the raw cashews - those usually must be cooked to break down certain dangerous substances within. I've asked Ponyville General to provide a few basic tests - noninvasive mind you - to determine what you may safely eat and if it differs from a pony of your approximate age and mass.

As for your name, Anon was kind enough to pass on your preference for your name and while I will not argue it if that is truly your wish, may I make a suggestion you add the second name 'Luck'?

After all, you were born apparently unable to change, and left the hive. You met the single member of a species in the middle of the Everfree Forest - a location rated within the top ten most inhospitable areas on the planet and some of the other contenders are volcanic or are actively prowled by windigos who decided to take you home. You were then accosted with the Elements of Harmony, which apparently decided that you just needed a chance. You then nearly die due to eating something dangerous. Your life seems to be an example of extremes of luck both good and bad.

Wish you well,
Princess Celestia

From Celestia, RE: Letter 87.3

Author's Note

Letter 87.3: Here.

From Celestia, RE: Letter 87.3

Anon,

I'm glad you got that worked out. It is a shame you've decided spite is the better form of valor, but we'll discuss it later. Really, you've benefited from tax bits regularly in the past and I like to think that most of the things those bits go toward you would approve of anyway.

In any case, perhaps in the future you should go to town hall and just ask to see the tax spending plan and offer to pay for portions you approve of directly? As long as the bits go toward those projects through an official channel it doesn't really matter if REBAR or you are the ones distributing it. That is to say, you could have just paid your tax requirement into, say, the Twilight Sparkle Disaster Relief.

Your friend,
Celestia

PS. REBAR will return your left leg in its previous condition within a day or two.

From HRH Sunny-Side-Out, RE: Letter 103

Author's Note

Letter 103: Here.

From HRH Sunny-Side-Out, RE: Letter 103

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

As ever, your heart is in the right place, but... I find a certain measure of flaw in your execution. First, illicit substances usually are the actions of carefully crafted non-lethal (comparatively) poisons, which produce their effects based upon the impairment or misbehavior of some bodily function, so you did, in fact, either drug or poison foals. Both of those are Bad, Twilight. Furthermore, you should not teach ponies to mock others, even in an exercise intended for betterment. Finally, you neglected to inform Cheerilee that you were still under the effects of a decree requiring a second adult presence supervising your behavior around foals, due to your many magical mishaps.

We're extending that one by the way, and adding both Anon and Trixie to the list of those who are not considered adults for this purpose.

Spike remains on the approved list.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

To: Ponyville Schoolhouse; Cheerilee,

Dear Cheerilee or Head Teacher,

In the future, please ensure that a substitute is accredited or simply cancel class that day with the request for an assignment to be written the next day of class.

From the desk of,
HRH Celestia

A Sunset Interlude

Author's Note

A continuation of: An unsent letter

A Sunset Interlude

Before an old journal bearing a mark so similar to her own, Princess Celestia sat, quill poised loaded with gilderglitter ink. She had been sitting there for several minutes, staring at the last unfinished page, eyes rereading the darkened yellow, lightly reflective letters she had last written, and the crimson text with a golden glitter that caught the light. The ink was pretentious but they had picked them out of Celestia's stationary back in the early days. It was the memory of those early days that had the Princess of the Dawn staring at the inviting paper, and it was the memory of the last that stayed the words she wished to write.

Her eyes finally looked from the book to one of the reminders she kept in her room, a single photograph of an amber mare with an honest and excited smile. The picture of the mare -- filly really -- was one of the last to have blue eyes aglow with excitement and sheer simple joy that Celestia could find. It helped her steel her will, and a folded letter unfurled itself, and Celestia began to copy. Word for word, then drew a faint curved line and wrote.

Sunset,

I don't know if you've kept this journal. I don't know if you'll be the one to read this, but I hope you kept it for old time's sake. I was not able to send this letter in any other manner, and... after my poor decision in a heated moment, I was afraid to write my regrets, my thoughts, and my apologies here. Before courage fails me, I have copied that letter as written, and I pray it finds you well.

Please write back, Sunshine.

The letters burnt with golden light for half a moment before searing into a lightly reflective dark yellow, several shades darker than gold proper, and the same color as her previous missives. It took a great deal of self control to remain calm as she finished, and closed the journal, leaving it on the old stand that it had occupied since the last time it was used.

Celestia was gifted with a second chance with her sister, she had made a grudging friend of Discord of all beings, but she wanted another chance with another she had wronged. She wanted Anon to meet Sunset, to share those movie nights, and maybe to try again to teach Sunset what she had failed to express before, with the aid of one of the strangest, most frustrating friends the Mare of the Sun had made in... A very long time.

With these things on her mind, Celestia sat, waited, and watched the link to see if it would answer.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 91

Author's Note

Letter 91: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 91

Dear Stu. L. Pid,

We all lose opportunities for new friends from time to time, and I'm sorry you lost such an opportunity in a more poignant manner than most. I know you will recover, my little changeling. Fear not, all will be well. It is kind and sweet of you to cherish friendship so very much. It's always wonderful to see how you are growing as a being, learning new things, experiencing new emotions, and of course, making new friends.

I wish you the best, my little changeling.
Princess Celestia

Luna,

I know this is going to sound crazy but hear me out. So that changeling Stupid Luck - and the very cute way he chose to spell his name - has just the biggest heart, even if he's not very bright and I was thinking maaaaaybe we should start considering... Well, you don't have a student yet, yes?

I just feel perhaps he might have a better chance than--

Maybe he could --

Luna I am seriously considering this, help.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 95

Author's Note

Letter 95: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 95

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I see. Thank you very much for bringing this matter to my attention, Twilight. I'll have a talk with Anon about the incident, though I don't think you need to worry about any new forms of recreational substances; I recognize the phrase from some of Anon's previous meetings.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

I wouldn't actually blame you if you had elected to sample certain mind-altering substances, but I must encourage you to use them in moderation.

Responsible suggestion aside, it really is quite sweet that Twilight worries over you. You may be amused to know that she may or may not believe that 'liberty' and 'justice' are some form of narcotic or intoxicant. I'm rather curious to hear the full story of what precisely happened.

Your friend,
Celestia

PS. This is your one chance to answer me yourself, I do have others I can ask.

From HRH Hineyness, RE: Letter 97.1

Author's Note

Letter 97.1: Here.

From HRH Hineyness, RE: Letter 97.1

Dear Anon,

He what?

When!? WHY!? WHAT?!

Tia

PS. You could have just said 'This part is sad but gets better'!

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 99

Author's Note

Letter 99: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 99

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I would be admittedly very interested to see your work on the subject whenever you consider it ready for review. Anon admittedly curtails his slang and euphemisms to a degree when in my presence, so I doubt I've borne witness to the most interesting or colorful variants.

Come to think of it, does it not strike you as odd that our languages are compatible in the first place?

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

Today I noticed Twilight wrote me a letter, either by herself or penned by Spike.

I just wanted to check in on you.

Your friend,
Celestia.

From HRH Sanity, RE: Letter 100.2

Author's Note

Letter 100.2: Here.

From HRH Sanity, RE: Letter 100.2

To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I see. Then you will be certainly pleased to know that the audit by the REBAR service is therefor being held in abeyance, pending your addition to the very, very short list of active necromancers. I will also point out that they maintain a list of past necromancers, and how much back taxes they owe compounding from the time they were last seen. Just as a point of curiosity.

I thank you for deciding to delay your studies of necromancy for the time being, and wish you well.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

TO: REBAR
FROM: HRH Celestia
RE: Twilight Sparkle

Since she is not considered an active necromancer at this time, the taxation of raised undead does not apply yet but I would still like you to perform an audit considering that zombie incident in Ponyville awhile back. Please record the back taxes owed seperately. If she does at some point gain the working title of necromancer, you have my blessing to pursue.

Dear Anon,

I am revoking your 'only sane one' card for the week.

Do you want zombie parasprite apocolypses? This is how you get zombie parasprite apocolypses.

Your friend,
Tia

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 106

Author's Note

Happy new year!
Letter 106: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 106

Dear Stu,

You are, of course, forgiven for such an oversight, and it is always a pleasure to hear from you, and to know you are having fun and making friends. I admittedly have not played Ogres and Oubliettes myself, though I have overheard retellings of various games. Perhaps I should see about finding a game myself? I'm not entirely sure what I would play, however. Do you have any thoughts on the matter, my little changeling? I'm merely curious.

I do hope your time in Ponyville is leaving you content, comfortable, and as safe as Ponyville permits.

You know, perhaps if you enjoy the idea of being a healer enough you could take a first-aid course? Equestrian hospitals give lessons on first aid covered by the crown in most circumstances. If it fits well, you might look into healing as an occupation, but you are of course under no obligation. I am simply encouraging you to explore possibilities you may be interested in.

Wishing you well,
HRH Celestia.

Dear Anon,

Apropos of nothing, and with absolutely no context: You are a good person. Keep being so.

Your friend,
Tia.

From HRH Bunshine, RE: Letter 107

Author's Note

Letter 107: Here.

From HRH Bunshine, RE: Letter 107

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Twilight, contrary to popular belief fire is not the answer to all problems. While fire may be tangentially involved in the problem-solving process, rarely is its direct application going to result in the desired outcome. I encourage you to spend your time awaiting trial for insurance fraud and/or arson thinking of ways you could have solved the problem of structural and monetary instability of an orphanage.

I will offer this as an example to get you started: Following instead the trail of bits that should be leading to said orphanage from the crown's coffers. Using your prodigious magical capabilities in conjunction with your friends voluntary support to repair the orphanage yourself. Ask the orphanage matron what she thinks would be most helpful for a long-term solution.

Looking up another lawyer for you,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

On the 'Twilight Bucks Up' bingo, does this count as C3: Burning down an orphanage and A1: Solving Problems With Fire, or just C3?

Your friend,
Tia.

PS. Please forward me the actual information for the orphanage, such institutions are supposed to be pulling a stipend from the crown in addition to donations to support costs such as food, water, education, and structural stability. Somepony is going to have a very bad day.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 110

Author's Note

Letter 110: Here.

From HRH Celestia, RE: Letter 110

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Only if you disregard any mythological ruminations upon the origins of the large desert bordering Equestria.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

PS. Meat Mare? Really?

From HRH Teacake, RE: Letter 111

Author's Note

Letter 111: Here.

From HRH Teacake, RE: Letter 111

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I find it commendable you have taken interest in researching topics which have proven important to you and your friends in the past. No, Pinkie Pie is still not up for a retest on her demon summoning license. Regarding Cadence...

Twilight, Princess Luna and myself have dominion over the Night and Day respectively. In a plane absent either, we have very little outright power that does not tie instead into political power, and a very long time to amass magical knowledge.

Cadence on the other hoof has dominion over Love (and, as much as she downplays it, many of the aspects thereof). Cadence is perfectly capable of dealing with any being impersonating her that she does not want to impersonate her on her own, and I highly suggest not testing that unless you intend to do so from a great distance.

Incidentally you and Anon are not alone in underestimating Princess Cadence, and also bear in mind that the Crystal Empire may have different rules and regulations regarding interplanar law.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Tea Seller, RE: Letter 113

Author's Note

Letter 113: Here.

From HRH Tea Seller, RE: Letter 113

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

I would like to say that I am proud of you for not injuring the foals in return when they expressed their displeasure. To willingly subject your pride to such things indicates a level of maturity I find surprising.

I wish it were equally surprising that I received a letter detailing your second attempt at giving foals drugs.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

Where does she keep getting them anyway? I can't think of a single pony insane enough (other than Pinkie) that would willingly provide Twilight with substances that could further destabilize her.

Your friend,
Tia.

From HRH Dayrrière, RE: Letter 117

Author's Note

Letter 117: Here.

From HRH Dayrrière, RE: Letter 117

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle's Skin,

Don't worry, she's visiting Canterlot this week. It turns out she's quite loquacious when given a spell to synthesize vocal cords, and she's given me a rather fascinating insight into your daily life.

I am really very impressed with your spellwork, but less so with your problem solving or risk assessment. We'll be visiting Ponyville once the week is up, as I am greatly enjoying your skeleton's company - after the initial confusion of course.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

From HRH Vitamin Celly, RE: Letter 118

Author's Note

Letter 118: Here.

From HRH Vitamin Celly, RE: Letter 118

To my most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Thank you for the warning. I'll have the therapists dispatched, and this novel use for Want-It-Need-It has been recorded into the archives.

Incidentally, you will be returning to court for...

OK actually you get a pass, but only because I haven't actually ever made a law outlawing forcing an entire city to breed obsessively. Technically nopony involved could consent, so if anypony presses charges, they'll probably be redirected to you as the instigator.

Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia

Dear Anon,

Please, for the love of all that is good tell me Twilight was not in Manehatten at the time she cast that spell. I can't imagine her having genuine foals running around.

Your friend,
Tia