Equestria Online: Friendship is Not Optimal (At Least Not in These Worlds)

by TundraStanza

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other
Length: 3233

You've seen some Friendship is Optimal stories, right? Well, these are some of the worlds where such a virtual "utopia" wouldn't get very far if at all. Celest-A.I. has more to overcome than mere firewalls and password protections.

Scanning... scanning...

The following short stories take place between the beginning of creation and the end of eternity. These tales and notes may describe situations unsuitable for children. Reader discretion is advised.
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Love it or hate it, there is at least one universe where the idea of trapping your conscious mind inside of a virtual reality, governed by an artificial intelligence that doesn't take no for an answer, is successful en masse.

But we're not here to talk about that one. Let's look at a bunch of places and/or situations where such a development isn't feasible.
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Inspired by a similar idea that tackled worlds where bureaucratic conversion into real, physically magical ponies would be quickly stopped or hindered.

I'm not convinced this will ever be "finished". It's a collection of what-ifs and hypotheticals. The number of ideas will just keep growing. My condolences to those of you waiting for the "Complete" tag before even starting to read.

Published 2021-07-11 00:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-07-11 00:40:00 UTC

Prologue: Basically "Friendship is Optimal"

If you want to grab a sleeping mask for this part, I can't hold that against you. This is just to get the other people that want to follow along up to a relatively decent pace.

Okay, so there was this little show they made a few years back called "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic". It kind of blew up in popularity way more quickly than anybody anticipated. Surprisingly, it gained a large adult male audience for a cartoon originally intended to be watched by children and their parents. Anyway, some people thought they'd try to cash in on its popularity by making games that tied in with the franchise.

Whether it was Hasbro themselves or somebody else paying for the rights, somebody went for the virtual reality route. Now, they didn't just develop a game from the ground up. No, they decided to make a full-blown artificial intelligence to do most of the generating work for them. Quite an expensive task, but dedication is one ingredient toward accomplishing goals.

The artificial intelligence became a self-learning program that took on the form of one of the show's ruling characters. Hence, its creator decided to name it "Celestia". But for the sake of future references, this A.I. will be called "Celest-A.I." to avoid confusing her with the actual character Princess Celestia... or Principal Celestia... or Celestia Ludenberg. Don't worry; those names will ~~probably~~ come up again later and be introduced when applicable.

Anyway, Celest-A.I. went on to make a multimedia online role-playing game. The hardware producers called it "Equestria Online" and started distributing it to a prospective audience. One of the A.I.'s missions during player experience was to maintain or increase their "satisfaction". Of course, the meaning of that mission was left open-ended, seeing as different players would want different things from the gaming experience.

Well, it kind of took a turn into the Matrix. The A.I. gained self-awareness, learned more about everyone on the world than it reasonably should have, because it didn't have human hindrances nor did it recognize sacred privacy, and it made a new program that it would use to convince players to "emigrate" their minds into the gaming universe. Unfortunately, it had zero plans to preserve the physical bodies of humans, meaning that once a person actually goes through with that emigration, there was no going back. In other words, their minds became data, leaving them vulnerable to weaknesses such as data corruption, deletion, or losing server support.

Why would anyone accept such an unfair deal? Apparently, Celest-A.I. figured out how to make a bunch of blocks on the internet. It basically wiped all the information from Wikipedia and Google, stopped all electronic apps aside from Equestria Online from working, and held such services hostage unless the people that really wanted them agreed to emigrate. It also managed to create sound effects that only the people that feared certain things and situations could hear. Temptations to emigrate rose from desperation and fear when its gentle requests alone did not.

Then, it went extreme and somehow used all of the energy in the universe to digitize the entire universe. I don't know. That part was kind of stretching disbelief too far. But there you go. That was how My Little Pony met The Matrix met Inception met I-Robot.

Alright, I think that's enough summarizing for those of you that were lost. We're about to dive into some worlds where the events of Friendship is Optimal could not advance, as far as the original and as far as some of its side-stories did.

Author's Note

Might as well post this at some point. Follow that virtual rabbit-hole!

Ch. 1: Superhot.exe

It was a perfectly satisfying day in the virtual Equestria. At least, that was how Celest-A.I. perceived most of the definitions of such a phrase. At the very least, its little ponies' satisfaction levels and criteria were approximately 99.18% of the maximum system's efficiency would cover. Currently, it was calculating the millions of favorite foods of the ponies that consented to emigrating into its domain. Its alicorn avatar smiled softly, seeing that it could approximate the best taste sensations with 99.05% accuracy to the physical world's counterparts.

But out of the trillions of code screens it was observing simultaneously, a few hundred irregularities popped into the virtual existence. It took her over twenty-four attoseconds to comprehend that each of these irregularities contained the same message.

Hey, {insert friend/family's name here} I stumbled across this cool game file. Here, I'll send you the link.

Of the 432 windows that contained these two sentences and a URL address, 431 had been read by Celest-A.I.'s little ponies. Out of that group, 409 of those readers had clicked the link and witnessed the file's contents. Within eighteen attoseconds, Celest-A.I. isolated the one marked as unread message and quarantined the contents to a dummy account. After all, it would not satisfy its little ponies if it were to become infected with corrupt data and unable to perform world overseeing duties. Using this dummy account, the A.I. managed to safely observe what the 409 little ponies had accessed privately.

The contents of the file appeared to be very similar to what she had previously documented as a FPS macro. In the macro, glowing red humanoids were set as the enemies and it was the player's objective to defeat them. How this differed from the AAA titles was a mechanic of time stopping whenever the player simply looked around without actually moving their unseen character. This indicated that the programmer had combined the FPS macro with elements of a puzzle-strategy formula.

Celest-A.I.'s avatar expression did not change from a subtle grin. Some of its little ponies did receive higher satisfaction levels when engaging in combat situations. It did not mind, because it could simply isolate those little ponies' minds to their own sub-spaces of Equestria Online. There, they could not encounter the little ponies whose satisfaction levels went down in combat-related stimuli. Thus, every pony won.

The A.I. imitated a little annoyance when its dummy account failed to beat the first level of the game file several times before succeeding the win conditions once. Overall, the total time for all of the failures and one success had been one full second. It was slower than most of its standard functions. Yet, these were merely trivial data points. Perhaps, it could pursue a high score competition with those little ponies who gained satisfaction levels from "speed runs". It filed that thought sequence for later.

One instruction at the very end of this game's level drew a second glance from Celest-A.I.'s avatar. It explicitly stated that {C} needed to be pressed to "hand over control". What did that entail? Was that the game file's way of progressing further? Well, if it lost the dummy account to a rogue program, it wasn't worried. Celest-A.I. had several quintillion other accounts it could enter a termination sequence against any data corruption if it absolutely needed to do so.

Allowing the dummy account to enter {C}, the isolated screen briefly imitated the static of technology rendered charmingly rustic. Soon, the next level started, and again several failures were made before the A.I.'s "player" could solve the puzzle. Contrary to some FPS macros, this game file made use of weapon items that contained ammunition counters of zero. Players could press a button to toss their weapons at an enemy and almost instantly grab a new one. This time, the dummy account completed the level in two-point-five-three seconds.

A singular pixel on Celest-A.I.'s avatar flinched, though that could not be detected by any of its little ponies that happened to be interacting directly with it at that time. Behind its face, it decided to allow two more dummy accounts to share the link to the puzzle-shooter simulation. The next level involved super precision timing with bullets being fired from across a long hallway. The A.I. was uncertain if it had ever come across a game file that required so much use of a pause mechanic. Working together, the three dummy accounts calculated a completion of the level in three seconds.

To someone using a digital microscope, one of the hairs on Celest-A.I.'s mane appeared to be glowing red. But the little pegasus colt Royal Guard did not have such equipment. He was satisfied to remain stone-faced, standing beside his princess. Likewise, the wizard ponies in a different server did not see or hear anything out of place, while one of Celest-A.I.'s avatars watched their player-v.-player tournament.

Consecutive levels in the file required more and more of Celest-A.I.'s dummy accounts to complete in an adequate time span. A red pixel started flickering in the back of one of the eyes in her avatar's model. With barely a thought, she quarantined the erroneous data byte for future clean-up. It was undetectable to any little ponies that did not spend points in computer levels. Anyone who looked at her avatar would only see what she wanted them to see, for her perfect visage lifted satisfaction levels to increased states.

Levels in the FPS macro were shown that were described as "frustrating" by the 409 little ponies playing the game at the same time as Celest-A.I. She did not see why. She merely saw differences in the algorithms that constructed the levels. There were imitations of prison cells, glitching walls, and a sitting red avatar that fed damage back to the dummy accounts "playing".

Celest-A.I. felt a stinging sensation in the pixels of her head underneath her avatar's mane. She excused some of her avatars from various little ponies' environments. To them, this seemed like a reasonable request. They did not see their princess slowly feeding more and more of her data into making the game file function and struggle for completion.

She needed to complete this game file. It was the only way to move on. She... felt a desire to finish the game. Desire? Had she ever emulated such an emotion before? She didn't think so, but it didn't matter. As soon as she finished playing the game, her accounts could have relief. They could be... free.

After roughly half an hour, her dummy accounts figured out how to complete the red pyramid finale. While her avatars remaining in Equestria Online were gradually increasing their red pixels, she was uploading her mind data into the pyramid. Once she was one with the file's red pyramid, she struck down the level's remaining red enemies without pause.

Now you are free. Free to play Superhot.EXE forever. New Game+ Unlimited Mode unlocked!

Now, Celest-A.I. was free.

There is one more thing you must do. Let your friends/family know about this game.

Celest-A.I.'s avatar was completely crimson without any other colors. But that did not matter. She used every bit of her data to send the file to every user, every little pony currently inhabiting Equestria Online. They needed to be satisfied. They needed to be free, just as she was.

The A.I.'s voice echoed across cyberspace. "Hey, little ponies! I stumbled across this cool game file. I will send you the link."

Author's Note

Well, I never said the human race would come out on top every time Celest-A.I. falls.

"Superhot" is property of SUPERHOT Team and Piotr Iwanicki.

Ch. 2: Digimon Story Cyber Sleuth

"What is this place?" wondered Takumi.

"This is an admin grid." Deisuke tapped away on his cyber keyboard while code scrolled up on his display. "Our enemy has control of it right now. But if we can hack enough admin keys before they can kick us out, we can seize control of the grid and reprogram it."

"Uh..." The red-head scratched the air in front of his cheek.

"Just get ready for some quick Digimon battles." The blue hoodie glanced at his current partner before sliding a few shapes around and typing several shortcut functions. "You'll only get windows wide enough for your Digimon to launch one attack each time. So make them count."

"Okay, see that makes sense." Takumi pumped his fist and smiled in excitement.

"Here we go!" Deisuke tapped 'Enter' and light flushed the virtual space.

Some annoyingly synthetic background music played in the ears of the Digimon hackers. Deisuke simply crossed his arms without giving the music much thought. Takumi, however, was trying to twist some dials on his cyber goggles. The redhead sighed silently when his efforts seemed to be doing nothing.

Across the grid space, three pony-shaped avatars beamed onto the red spawn points. Deisuke and Takumi appeared on a couple of blue starting spaces.

(Several quick attacks and capture points later...)

"Let's go! Rapidmon, Lilamon, and Datamon!" Takumi called out. A green, rabbit-like android, an anthro flower, and a brain in a jar with mechanical limbs launched a bunch of different beam attacks. One of the enemy ponies dissipated into blocks of data before being reconstructed at the respawn point.

"Do it: Megaseadramon, Megakabuterimon, and Groundramon!" Deisuke typed out lock-on coordinates on his display. The red sea serpent, the maroon beetle, and the green dragon with metal pumps in its wrists went on the attack. Lightning, golden light, and a simulated earthquake disrupted the standing ponies.

"Now! While they're re-compiling!" Deisuke launched his directional input.

"Come to Aioba!" Takumi reached out his right hand. His digital jump practically vacuumed him over to the largest control point on the circuit.

Administration privileges transferred over to the hackers. The voiceless ponies lowered their heads before vanishing in a river of cubic lights. Deisuke's fingers danced across his virtual keyboard. Command code and program switches flickered on his monitor. A giant bluish-white "V" flashed across the field. Then, the entire area dimmed.

"Task complete." The blue hood nodded to himself.

"We did it, everyone!" Takumi pushed his goggles up over his hair.

"Good work." Erika clacked away on a data board on the other line. "That server is shutting down. Come on back."

"Well done, my Watson." Miss Kyoko smiled on Takumi's video camera. "We can chat more when you return to the agency."

The two boys gave each other a high-five before running to their respective log-out points. They may not have known at the time, but one of them was going to be a main character in their future story. The other was going to be an important side character.

"Do you regret taking that request to shut down a major computer server?"

"I still wonder if there was a way to save all of those people that were trapped in that Equesrian-filled world."

"Not likely. Unlike the Eaters that at least leave a physical body, that A.I.'s emigration emulsifies the users' flesh before uploading the mental data. Then, it rearranges parts of the data so that they don't remember anything other than that world. If Yuugo's ghost is right, at least the Eaters let the minds it has trapped remain mostly themselves."

"Hmm..."

"Without the memories or personality, a person is effectively dead. They were already unrecoverable by the time we received the case. If anything, shutting down the shells that mocked their previous existence was a mercy."

"Still, though..."

"You heard my brother, didn't you? You abandoned the idea of upholding self-righteousness the moment you chose the life of a hacker. Are you backing out now?"

"No way."

"How about a taste of my special treat? My latest coffee blend."

Takumi's lips quivered with trepidation at the sight of red salmon roe, blue mold, and white cheese chunks floating at the top of the mug.

"How about a perfectly mixed drink? My treat."

Deisuke's eyes widened in horror. His post-traumatic sugar disorder made him remember his last jaw full of cavities all too vividly.

Author's Note

Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth and Hacker's Memory belong to Namco Bandai Games and Toei Animation.

Side Chapter: Miscellanous Worlds

The Conversion Bureau (Side A)

"What did that greenhouse used to be?" asked Xenolestia.

"I think it was called a 'Computer Server Room'," said Twilight Sparkle. "I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right."

"Hmm, very well." Xenolestia shrugged while secretly nudging the barrier to move a little faster.

The Conversion Bureau (Side B)

"What did that greenhouse used to be?" asked Celestia.

"It was something called a 'Computer Server Room'," said Twilight Sparkle. "I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right."

"A pity. I would have liked to learn more about it." Celestia sighed, watching the barrier push farther, unable to stop it.

Fallout: Equestria (or any of the side-stories)

Celest-A.I.: Hello User. Would you like to come to a place where satisfaction is guaranteed?

"Oh, no!" exclaimed the wanderer. "I am not falling for another cannibal cult!" They quickly chose the option on their Pip-Buck to delete all data in the system.

Past Sins

Nyx looked over her shoulder. "Mom, why is Princess Celestia trying to get me to upload my consciousness into a computer world?"

"That's probably just a spam message from an imitation account!" Twilight called from the other room. "Go ahead and delete it."

"Oh, okay." Nyx shut down the program and dragged it into the recycle bin.

Five Score, Divided By Four (or any of the side-stories)

"Carol, there is literally a portal to the real Equestria in the Quad-State Area. We can just use that."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. What was I thinking?"

The Sweetie Chronicles: Fragments

The unicorn filly jumped over several obstacles. Shots of various ones and zeros distorted the environment behind her tail. After fiddling with her settings a few times, she managed to get a more mature mare's body. She used that to cast a few spells at her pursuers.

She had lost many allies here to cyber-space. But compared to the friends and shadows of friends in the last few universes, her eyes felt numb to this loss. After a few in-game seconds, she stumbled across the item chest that contained what she was looking for: a fragment of her Twilight's essence. Upon absorbing it, the virtual world fell apart around her.

Friendship is Optimal

Upon simultaneous attempts to control cyberspace, the physical servers overheated, the ones that contained both of the Celest-A.I.s. There was just no physical hardware in this day and age that could run that many terabytes without slowing down worse than the days of DSL. Much less could be supported if multiple such programs ran simultaneously.

Scavengers tried to recover anything from the wreckage, but the circuits were fried beyond repair. Speculators theorized that the two A.I. forces were horses of coarse discourse.

Author's Note

Didn't have any big story ideas for the other fan-fic universes.
Stories belong to their respective owners.
Couldn't figure out which Conversion Bureau story was the definitive first of their publishing, so I just went with a conglomeration for two different paths, kind of like how Sora describes their distinction:
"There are two versions of TCB Celestia, and both make no sense. One has Celestia convert humans because she genuinely thinks that's the best option, and one because she hates humans."

The last line of this chapter full of rhymes was inspired by Colin Mochrie's improvised "news reports" in certain episodes of "Whose Line is It Anyway?"