Author's Note
Okay so, this is a pretty personal fic for me.
There is a form of OCD called Pure-O, where you can have intrusive thoughts, but you don't necessarily have visible compulsions to match it. I have this particular form of OCD. For me, I always have to be moving once I have an intrusive thought, so I can feel like I'm escaping it. I tend to squeeze my phone or sometimes rub my thighs If I'm in a situation where I can't get up and walk right out. I've had so many of those behaviors as far back as I can remember, and am just starting to seek help for it.
The best way to treat OCD of any kind is Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). You get desensitized to your fears that way. I wanted to include a glimpse of what this looks like, so that people could see what it is and some of what it entails.
To my readers, I tell you this: there is hope for all of you out there suffering from OCD, whether it's Pure-O, Scrupulosity, Contamination, or what have you. There is hope, and there is help. Do not be afraid to seek it. And if any of you need to talk about it because you don't feel like anybody in your life will listen to you, I hope you know my inbox is open to you all.
I hope you all enjoy this.
Obsessions
Walking around Ponyville was always interesting for Rainbow Dash.
Considering she was usually privy to areal views of the village, it wasn’t often that she deigned to walk there. She was enjoying the time outside, and was on her way to the Carousel Boutique. She’d asked Rarity to stitch up a small rip in her Wonderbolt uniform for her, and it was no trouble for the unicorn mare.
The bell to the door rang and Rarity’s trilling voice called out, “Just a minute!”
“It’s just me, Rarity!” Rainbow called, looking around the shop.
“Rainbow Dash, darling! I nearly forgot you were coming! I’m in my inspiration room if you’d like to come in!”
“Coming!” Rainbow Dash said, and entered.
Rarity was hunched over her work, stitching something together with her precise eyes. She wore her red glasses to better see the stitch work she was doing as she put the needle through and back again in a steady rhythm.
“Sorry I’m a little late, Rarity. I was late getting out the door this morning.” She apologized.
“Oh, it’s no trouble at all, Darling! I got so lost in my work I forgot you were coming!” She said, And tied off the end of the thread before cutting it with some scissors. She put the needle and scissors down on the table and looked to her. “Your uniform is all stitched up! I never knew one could do a sonic rainboom and the force could be enough to tear your suit! That bears a bit of study for me in endurance fabrics!” She said, and floated the uniform from the closet in the other side of the room.
“Yeah, I didn’t know either.” Rainbow smiled.
As Rarity spoke to her about some fabric issue she’d never even heard of, Rainbow’s mind wandered, as did her gaze. Her eyes locked onto the scissors, and then the needle.
I could cut her mane with the scissors and stab her with the needle right now.
She shut her eyes tightly, but the image was already there, dancing behind her eyelids. Rarity’s horrified shriek at her pristine mane being cut, and the yelp at the stabbing with the needle.
What kind of sick pony thinks of that?! Some element of loyalty you are… Can’t even keep from hurting your friend…
Rainbow felt her heart speed up like a jackhammer, clanging in her chest like a bell. She needed to get out of here, and needed to do it now.
Not even ten seconds had passed, and Rarity was still talking. Everything looked the same, but it wasn’t the same at all. Rainbow was quick, and took her uniform, surprising the unicorn. “Thanks Rarity, I really appreciate it. I’d stay longer but I have to go. I don’t want Tank to go hungry.”
Rarity was surprised, but nodded. “Of course, darling. I’ll see you later then?”
“See ya!”
In a blue and Rainbow blur, Rainbow Dash was gone.
Rarity shook her head as the bell out the door rang. “My goodness, doesn’t that mare ever stop to smell the roses once in a while?” She wondered to herself. She sighed, and then continued her work.
Rainbow sped through the air at lightning speed. Going fast always helped her feel as though she could outrun her thoughts. She liked that. But there was a higher purpose to her flying now. There were things she needed to do now, and one pony she needed to talk to.
She Flew through town until she got to Fluttershy’s cottage. Her heart was pounding in her ears, and her mouth was so dry she couldn’t swallow. Fluttershy was the only pony who knew of her bad thoughts, the only pony she would entrust them with. She knew Fluttershy would always see her as a brave defender and never look at her differently as a pony for having these horrible ideas.
She made it to the cottage in record time and knocked on the door three times in sets of three. Something about the number three had always tended to calm her down. It was her preferred lane for flight practice, the amount of ponies in her immediate family, the number of her friends squared, and the number of the amount of Ponyville-based Cutie Mark Crusaders. She enjoyed looking for groupings of three when she was out flying. The number three always calmed her, and it also inadvertently signaled Fluttershy when something was wrong with her. When Rainbow knocked in cycles of three, it meant trouble.
Fluttershy had jumped at the sudden knocking, but when it continued on in that pattern, her fear turned to concern as she went to the door more quickly than usual. Rainbow Dash’s face was incredibly tense and panicked when she opened the door. The fact that she wasn’t bothering to try and maintain her cool attitude was a sign that this was very bad.
Fluttershy opened the door wide, wordlessly letting the frantic pegasus in.
Rainbow Dash was prancing in place. She couldn’t sit still, which was a common after effect for her when she had her bad thoughts. Her tail swished back and forth in threes, pausing momentarily after the third before beginning again.
Fluttershy went over to her friend and wrapped a wing around her. “What happened?” She asked in the kindest and gentlest way possible.
“It was bad, Fluttershy. Really bad!”
“Tell me what happened.”
They’d been here before, their roles set in stone like a play. Each actor knew their part and what to say and do each time. It was a rehearsal for a play that would never be shown to the world, and they fell into these roles as easily as breathing.
“I was at Rarity’s… And there were scissors… And a sewing needle.”
“And what was your thought?”
“To cut her mane and…”
“And?” Fluttershy prompted.
“Stab. With the needle.” Rainbow’s eyes were shut, her whole body tense as she cringed as the image assaulted her again.
Fluttershy nodded, and rubbed her back with a wing. “Rainbow Dash, how many thoughts do you have in a day?”
“Too many to count.”
“And how many of them are bad like that?”
“A few.”
“And are you going to let a few bad thoughts outweigh all the good ones?”
“I…” The pegasus looked sincerely torn. Fluttershy saw this and decided to try a different tact.
“Would your mother punish you for having a bad thought?"
“No.”
“She’d only do it if you acted on it, right?”
“Right…”
“And you didn’t act on it, did you?"
“No, but-“
“But nothing. You didn’t act on the thought. You did nothing wrong. And you shouldn’t punish yourself for it.”
Fluttershy was not one for being straight to the point, but in the case of any friend being hurt or hurting themselves, she tended to be quite vocal and very direct.
“O-Okay.” Rainbow nodded.
“I think you know what we’re going to do now, right?”
Rainbow shook her head. “I’m not ready.”
“You are ready, you just don’t think you are. You aren’t going to get over this until you do it. You know that.” Fluttershy said, giving her a small hug.
Rainbow Dash let out an uncharacteristic whine, and nodded. Fluttershy immediately went to her bedroom before coming back with a pair of scissors and a needle. She set both objects down in front of Rainbow Dash.
“Scissors first, Rainbow Dash.” She said softly.
“I don’t want to!”
“You need to or you’ll never get over this.” Fluttershy urged softly.
Trembling with the kind of shaking that usually only happened after a very long workout or a horrific nightmare, she picked up the scissors.
“Point them at me.” Fluttershy instructed.
Slowly, Rainbow did so.
“Do you want to cut off my mane?”
“No.”
“You’re not going to cut off my mane, Rainbow. You have the opportunity to do it now, but you aren’t doing it. You’re not going to do anything with the scissors.”
It took a few moments, before Rainbow nodded.
“Good. Now the needle.”
Rainbow sat down the scissors and picked up the needle, pointing it at her friend.
“Do you want to stab me with the needle?”
“No.”
“And you’re not going to, are you? Because you’re in control of your actions. You only do what you want to do, and you’re not going to do anything with it.” She said.
Rainbow nodded more quickly this time.
“Okay, you can put it down now.” Fluttershy said.
Rainbow jerked away from it as if her hoof had been burned, and Fluttershy took them from sight before giving her friend a big hug.
Rainbow shook all over and took in a deep breath to steady herself as she hugged Fluttershy back. “Thanks, Shy.”
“Of course, Rainbow. It’s been a while since the last time. I’m glad for that part.” She said.
Rainbow nodded. “I don’t know where it came from. One second I was fine and the next… That was in my head.”
“Rainbow, have you talked to Twilight about this?”
Rainbow shook her head. “No. Just you.”
“I really think you should, Rainbow Dash. She might have something in her books that could help you with this or tell you what it is. I Pinkie Promised you I wouldn’t say anything the first time you came for help with this, and I will never break that promise. But this silence isn’t healthy, Rainbow Dash. You need to talk to somepony.”
“But I’m talking to you.” Rainbow argued, sounding a little more like her old self.
“I know. But I also know I can’t give you everything you need to help with this. You really should see a professional. I don’t want you to hurt yourself with all of this.”
Rainbow was quiet for a minute. Then, she squirmed in her seat thrice. “I don’t know how. I mean, this isn’t something that’s brand new, it’s been going on since I was a filly. I don’t think I know what it would be like to be any different, you know?”
“Do you want to be different?” Fluttershy asked softly.
Rainbow nodded. “Every day.”
“Then I think it’s worth a try, don’t you?”
Rainbow nodded. “I think so.”
“You don’t have to do this alone, Rainbow Dash. I can go with you if you want. No pony should have to feel this way forever.”
“You’d come with me?” Rainbow’s ears perked up.
“Of course I would.” Fluttershy smiled.
Fluttershy could have sworn there were tears in her friend’s eyes as Rainbow Dash hugged her tightly. “Thank you. It’s good to know that at least one pony doesn’t think I’m crazy.”
“You aren’t crazy, Rainbow Dash. I promise you that.” Fluttershy assured her.
Rainbow smiled weakly and gave her another squeeze.
Rainbow stayed in that hug for what felt like forever, but eventually it broke apart, and then they sat in silence for a long while.
Eventually, Rainbow spoke up. “Who can I tell? If they knew what went on in my head… I don’t think anypony would look at me the same.” She said softly.
Fluttershy put a hoof over Rainbow’s. “Rainbow Dash, you know our friends wouldn’t treat you any differently. If you’re struggling with something, they’ll want to help as much as they can. There will just be more ponies to help you if you open up. It won’t mean disaster.”
“How do you know?” Rainbow asked.
Fluttershy smiled. “Because I believe in our friends, and I believe in you too. You trust me, don’t you?"
“I do.”
“Then do you trust me enough to believe I’m right?”
It took a while, but finally, Rainbow nodded. “I do.”
Fluttershy hugged her friend. “We’ll do it together, okay?"
“Okay.” Rainbow nodded.
“Do you feel comfortable enough to tell them all at once? Or would you rather start with one?”
“I… I don’t know.”
“Alright… Other than me, who do you think could help you the most with this?”
Rainbow mused on that. “I’m kind of torn about that. I know Twilight might be able to give this a name, and I’d like that, but I also don’t want her to go all-“ She waved a hoof around in the air- “-Twilight with it. I don’t want to get a bunch of facts I’m not ready for or feel like a science experiment. I could tell Applejack, because I know she’d be honest with me about what she thinks, but I’m pretty afraid of what she might say. I don’t know what to do, Fluttershy…”
Fluttershy looked thoughtful for a moment. “Would it make you feel better if I picked for you from those options so you wouldn’t have to?”
Rainbow considered that. “It couldn’t hurt, I don’t think.”
“Then when you’re ready, we’ll talk to Twilight. She might be able to give this a name like you said, and maybe know how you can find help to feel even better.”
“Do you think it will happen like that?”
“I do. You know Twilight would take a friend’s problem like this seriously. She wouldn’t get carried away with it because she knows you’re hurting.”
Rainbow nodded, albeit weakly. “Okay… We’ll talk to Twilight when I’m ready.”
“Until then, would you like some tea? It might help calm the nerves.”
Rainbow wasn’t really a fan of tea, but nodded. If anything could help calm her down right now, she’d take it. “Sounds good.”
Fluttershy gave her another hug, and went to prepare the tea.
Rainbow, meanwhile, took a long breath to calm herself. She didn’t think at all that this would be an easy thing to do. She’d spent a lifetime covering up her weaknesses to create a mask of invincibility. But she too had chinks in her armor. Removing that mask meant a departure from everything she’d ever known, everything she’d ever been comfortable with. It had been easier to do it with Fluttershy. They’d known one another since foalhood, and there weren’t many secrets between them. She’d told Fluttershy about those thoughts when she was fifteen. They weren’t nearly as graphic as they were now, but they were still, for that time, frightening. Fluttershy had been the only pony she’d trusted with something of that magnitude, and her trust had proven well-placed.
Fluttershy had calmed her down and told her that it was perfectly reasonable to be afraid. She had experience in that area- more than anypony. She’d told her that what had always helped with her own fears was to prove that she could do them- even if it was only under dire circumstances. Rainbow had nodded, and thus the process of doing so with what Rainbow was afraid of began. The two of them helped one another in that regard. Rainbow encouraged Fluttershy’s bravery and confidence, and Fluttershy had calmed Rainbow’s own fears and helped her feel more secure in the belief that she would never act on them.
As she got up from her spot, she shut her eyes. There were no macabre images dancing before her eyes, no frightening or horrific images that would make anypony cry. She was, for the moment, free and clear. She knew this was only temporary, that sooner or later the thoughts would come back with a vengeance. But her trust in Fluttershy had helped her overcome a lot. She hoped that trusting Twilight could do a lot more, and hopefully give her another pony to turn to when things got bad.
It wouldn’t be an easy road, but learning to voice those concerns would hopefully pay off. She had to believe it would- She just had to.
She got to her hooves, and walked to Fluttershy’s kitchen to help her with the tea.
