The Broken Pinkie Promise
By GoldenFaggot- I mean, Eagle159
A/N: This first part is kind of like a trollfic, but it gets about 2% more srs after.
So, this tale started off like every other Human in Equestria ever.
And I mean, ever.
I got sucked through my toilet when I was trying to take a shit, and ended up in Sweet Apple Acres.
The Apple family really didn’t like seeing my ass, so I had to run away with my pants at my ankles. That wasn’t fun. I managed to escape and pull up my pants, then I simply walked into Mordor- I mean, Ponyville. I met Lyra, who chased me around Ponyville for about an hour. During some times when I was resting during that chase, I met the rest of the Mane 6. They’re all jerks to humans, being “non-existent” and all. They were mean.
Except for one: Pinkie Pie. Yeah, that crazy one. I met her in alley; creepy, I know. She obviously couldn’t tell the difference between a pony and a human for some reason, and she said I was a new person in town. She then ran away. I just stood there, wondering what the fuck just happened.
Then Lyra appeared and fucked me up.
Later, I dragged myself out of the alley, with three black eyes (Don’t ask how), a shitload of bruises, and enough scratches to make me lose a gallon of blood. I slowly dragged myself to the nearest house. When I got inside, Pinkie Pie suddenly yelled, “Su(r)prise!” I then had a fap heart attack.
I then woke up later in the hospital, and suddenly the Mane 6 all liked me. Yeah, I can’t explain it either. The following takes a place much later.
I was just at my home that I stole from someone, clopping to TwiDash, as per usual. Suddenly, the door slammed open and quickly cleaned my hand.
“Hi there, Bob!” Pinkie Pie said, thankfully not seeing my tiny thingy. My name actually isn’t Bob, but I can’t convince them that it’s actually Blaze Explosion.
“What the fuck, Pinkie? Can’t you see I’m fucking clopping?” I yelled at her.
“I’m going to tell everypony!” Pinkie teased.
“Fine! I’ll tell everyone you’re addicted to meth!” I lied.
She gasped. “Don’t you dare tell anypony that!” I was seriously surprised I was even close to right.
“Not unless you don’t tell my secret!” I yelled, putting my face up to her.
“Fine, I won’t!” She scooted back a bit. “Do you Pinkie promise to not tell?”
“Sure,” I said, sighing. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my e- HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS HURTS LIKE FUCK!!” I screeched after poking my finger in my naked eye.
“Okay, bye!” she said happily, hopping back outside.
“Holy fucking shit, I need some medical attention!!” I yelled, falling to the ground.
I walked outside hours later after crying like a little baby. I looked around using one eye, since the other had an eye patch over it. Because I’m a pirate. Yarrrr. I looked around and saw many worthless background ponies. I couldn’t find someone cool, and thank god Lyra didn’t find me. But for some reason, that all reminded me of meth. I then started cracking up because I thought about a funny video about a cat. I fell to the ground from laughter; some ponies started walking up to me. “Are you alright?” a purple pegasus asked.
I said between laughs, “Y-Yeah... Ha... Pinkie’s addicted to meth.” I then realized what I just said. “Um... I need to go.” I then picked myself off the ground and ran to what I considered my house, even though it actually wasn’t mine. I quickly ran inside and began packing my stuff. “Oh shit, oh shit...” I worried while packing a fresh pair of undies. “I need to leave... I should do what Spongebob wanted to do that one episode, where he said he would change his name to SpongePants SquareBob or whatever! Yeah! My name will be... Bob. FUCK!” I noticed I had finished packing. “Okay, time to go!” I picked up my bag and began to leave, but then the door slammed open, and there stood Pinkie Pie. A very pissed off version of her, to be more exact. “OH SHIT!!” I yelled.
“YOU PINKIE PROMISED!!” she screamed and charged at me, where I ran away as quickly as possible. I opened the window and jumped out. I then continued running; I looked back saw Pinkie jump out of the same window as I did, then continued chasing after me. Then the building fucking exploded. Yeah, don’t ask me what the hell happened.
I continued running, though I noticed that my bag was lugging me a bit behind. I picked it up, off of my shoulder, and threw it behind me, right at Pinkie. “This is Mario Kart, bitch!” I yelled, noticing that I was going ever so slightly so faster. I looked behind me and saw that her normally fluffy mane was straight, and her entire appearance was a bit darker. “Oh shit, I’m going to be baked into a cupcake!” I then propelled myself to run faster, overall making me outrun the pink menace behind me. I noticed a town on the horizon. I didn’t recognize it, so I must have been a non-canon town. “Perfect!” After a few minutes, I finally was at the town. Even though I should have felt happy, I felt scared, because I couldn’t see Pinkie anymore, meaning she could be anywhere. I looked around and noticed a bar; I walked inside. There were no ponies in there, except for the bartender. I helped myself to a beer. I was expecting to be shot in the face because of my eye patch, because according to that Direct Tv commercial, being an eye patch make me tough. I was really hoping I wouldn’t wake up in a ditch. I looked at the bartender. “...Do you have any weapons? I have someone trying to bake me into cupcakes.”
The brown, rugged stallion bartender just looked at me, apparently acknowledging the fact I’m a human, but apparently not caring at the same time. “Sure. Whatcha’ want, stranga?” He opened his cloak to reveal a bunch of weaponry, just like that dude from Resident Evil 4. The similarity was striking. I noticed a nice revolver.
“How much for that revolver?” I asked.
“250 bits,” he said, lending out a hoof.
“Fuck that!” I then broke his neck and stole the gun. Suddenly, the doors slammed open, and there stood Pinkamena Diane Pie, mane down; she was wearing a dusty, brown jacket and a cowboy hat.
“Your time is up, Dirty Dan,” she said in a grungy voice.
“My name is Bob,” I said, raising an eyebrow.
“Oh,” she said. “Your time is up, Dirty Bob.”
“I don’t think so!” I pulled out my revolver, and tried shooting it, though it just made a ‘tick’ noise. FUCK, I FORGOT TO GET AMMO! I looked at her, awkwardly smiling. I then started crying like a little baby and fell to the ground. “IDON’TWANTTODIE, IDON’TWANTTODIE, IDON’TWANTTODIE!!” I cried, tears falling down my face. She walked up to me and looked down. She slowly bent down and touched me.
“Tag, you’re it!” she said joyfully, her mane fluffing up again. She then ran out the door.
“W-What?!” I said, still crying. “What?!” I then had a stroke and heart attack at the same time.
I died.
Pinkie walked into the bar, smiling. “Perfect, one more of those Celestia-damned self-inserts gone...” She slammed open the doors and walked back outside, the sun shining on my body.
“F-Fuck...” I managed to say before passing into the oblivion- I mean, getting sent back to my home on Earth.
