Chapters Chapter 1: Beginning of the Line
Here I stood on a ledge. Empty. Broken. Disabled. I looked over the edge, towards the horizon. Canterlot’s a beautiful city, I must say. Especially when it’s snowing. From the highest point of the palace, I could see the lights of everypony’s houses, decorated by a layer of white powder covering their rooftops. Far away in the distance, I saw specks of light gathered together. Is that… is that Ponyville? It’s been a long time since I’ve been there. And I won’t be going back. Forever.
I looked down. The ground seemed like it was a mile away, with ponies crawling on the surface like ants. My way to freedom. The only way of ending this. I sighed into the cold winter night. My breath condensed in front of me, obscuring my vision of Ponyville. My vision blurred. I closed my eyes, and took my final steps.
My name is Lux Cognito. Yes, I know. A funny name for a pony. I mean, who uses ancient Equestrian as their name these days? Not that I know. But then, what do I know?
…
Nothing. Never am I certain about anything. Everything I’ve believed in has been shattered, so how can I be so sure about a damn single thing? What does it matter when no matter how hard you try, you can’t make it? Nothing matters. Nopony cares about me. And now, I don’t care about myself either.
I wasn’t like this from the beginning. They made me like this. They turned me into a, a… whatever I am, who tears himself apart from the inside. A worthless creature, who decided that if he can’t get everything to stop, he should at least stop himself.
It all started six years ago. I was nine years old when I left Ponyville and came to Canterlot. I entered the School for Gifted Unicorns, or the School of Magic. Whatever you wanna call it. The point is, I was a little colt, full of dreams and hope, eager to learn a great deal of magic. When I took the entrance exam, I was asked to hatch an egg. It was a blue egg, about the size of a chicken egg. Princess Celestia and two other judges were there, watching. Pretty typical, thinking about it now. So I closed my eyes, concentrated my magic to my horn, and directed it towards the egg. As I felt the magic contact the egg, I listened to the baby inside the egg. As I gave my magic more power, I could “hear” it move about, ready to be hatched. I gave more power, and when I opened my eyes, the cutest bird was there, chirping about.
“Wow, that’s impressive. That’s the fastest anypony’s hatched an egg!” Princess Celestia exclaimed, a smile on her face.
“So… does that mean I pass?” I asked, both excited and nervous.
“Of course! You’re a talented unicorn, Lux. Welcome to the school,” said Princess Celestia.
Huh. Talented. I don’t think I’ve heard that word used to describe me in a long time. Anyways, at the time, I didn’t know what would come after the test.
So I yelled, “Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you!”
If I had known what would happen next, I might have not signed up for it at all.
So it turned out to be that I could keep the bluebird I hatched for myself. It was the loveliest thing in the world, the adorable thing. I named it ‘Echo’, because the first time it chirped, the sound just filled my room and heart with its echo.
After I got my dorm room assigned, unpacked my stuff, and got my books, I went to class. Miss Hackney introduced me to the class, in which there were about seven ponies. When she introduced my name, one of the ponies said, “Pfft, Cognito? What kind of a name is that?” in a bossy tone.
I looked at the pony who said that. He had dark brown fur, with even darker mane. His forelegs were crossed against his chest while he leaned backwards in his chair. The thing about him that surprised me the most, however, were his eyes. His orange eyes seemed to possess fire in it, an uncontrollable energy ready to be released the first chance it got. For a moment, our eyes locked, his flaming orange eyes staring straight into my ocean blue ones. Then our gaze broke.
“I don’t know. My parents named me like that,” I replied.
“Wow. They must have some pretty bad naming skills.”
“Alright, that’s enough! Lux, you can sit there, in front of Boss Gang,” said Miss Hackney. I sighed inwardly; I already began disliking this pony when he poked fun of my parents.
I levitated my books with my horn and walked to my assigned seat while getting a good look from the ponies in the classroom. As I tried to sit down, still levitating my books, the chair suddenly disappeared from below my haunches. I fell down, losing my magical grip on the books in the process. The next thing I knew, I was sprawled on the floor covered in textbooks. I sputtered and got up while laughter came from everypony in the classroom.
“That’s enough! Boss, you will see me in my office after class!” the teacher shouted. The colt behind me pouted and shoved my chair back into its original position.
As I climbed into the chair, I thought, Geez, life here is going to be tough .
And life did take a rough turn. From that point, I had to deal with Boss poking and teasing me from behind throughout class time, as well as calling me names like “Cog” or “Shux” during break time. Some of those names stuck, and soon a lot of ponies started calling me by names.
I mean, Cog? I’m kind of okay with that. But Shux, I definitely don't like it. Some of the nicer ponies were kind enough to call me by my real name, but then others weren’t so kind. They would always call me “Shux”, having noticed that I wasn’t particularly fond of the new “nickname”.
Fortunately, those were easy enough to deal with. During classes, I would place a deflective shield on my back so Boss wouldn’t be able to poke me. During break time, I would wear a pair of earbuds so I wouldn’t be able to hear what other ponies were saying. During recess time, I would retreat to the library, find a cozy corner, and snuggle myself in with a book in my hooves, while everyone else was outside, messing around in the playground. Sure, it did prevent me from communicating with others, but at least it helped me deal with the teasings. Not that I had much to talk about with others anyways. All they did was chat among themselves or tease me by calling names, which I thought was really stupid. And when I think something is stupid, I usually ignore it. Well, at least I try to.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t try to stand up to them. Heck, I probably yelled at them more times than I can count. It just didn’t work. To be honest, they seemed to enjoy my reactions, and teased me even more. So, I gave up on trying to get them to stop on my own, although I did occasionally let out a burst of anger whenever things got too annoying.
Have I ever told the teachers about this? Yes, definitely. Multiple times. Didn’t change a thing. The bullies would get a scolding from Miss Hackney, or some other teacher, and guess what, they would be pecking at me like a horde of flies five minutes later.
If only I had known what would come next. If I did know, I might have called it quits. And that would have made things much easier. For everypony.
As the years went by, I changed. As I became more and more secluded, not communicating with others, I also became more… dense when it came to noticing anything outside of my own interests. I also became more secluded, more introverted. The bullies changed as well. Boss Gang didn’t act alone when he harassed me anymore. By the time I turned eleven, he gained his own band of bullies, three ponies who always went along with him wherever he went: Sol Spots, Nova Rays, and Flame Buster.
All three of them were more skilled in magic than I was. Even Sol, who was quite a bit smaller than me, and smallest of the four Gangsters, could easily knock me out of my senses if he wanted to.
The biggest change happened with their bullying methods. They became stealthier, craftier. Crueler, too. I guess they kind of adapted, seeing that I managed to be liked by the teachers. I was getting good grades, I always worked hard, and tried not to be swung around regardless what the bullies did to me. That last part always seemed to piss them off, and now they were coming up with new methods to bully me. For fun.
They began to trip me in the halls, shove me whenever I was carrying loads of books, somehow get through my deflection shields and hit me in the head with their magic, go and talk nonsensical crap behind my back, I could go on and on. Sometimes they’d even insult me in the face, saying how I was “very incompetent” with magic and that I “shouldn’t have been qualified to be here”. One time, Boss even said that I must have “cheated and bribed my way in”.
I ignored them, as usual. But, truth be told, it was getting harder for me to entirely ignore me when they were throwing so much shit right in my face. Sometimes, although I didn’t show it, those comments hurt me. It hurt my feelings, to watch those four go around and talk foul things about me to other ponies.
I tried telling the teachers. But that didn’t help in the least. After they got off from being scolded by Miss Hackney, they blocked me in the hallway and pushed me towards a wall. And there was no one in the hallway other than the five of us. In this situation, anypony would be scared out of their minds. I mean, I thought I had been through everything they had to offer so far. I hadn’t been expecting the situation to become… physically threatening.
“So ,” said Boss Gang, placing a forehoof on the wall, right next to my face.
“So?” replied I, trying to keep my voice from shaking.
“Look who it is, it’s the colt who cheated his way in!” Sol Spots chimed in, a devilish smirk on his face.
“And now look at him, going around, telling the teachers that we were bullying him when all we wanted was to be friends with him,” Nova Rays added, feigning disappointment towards me.
“‘Friends’?” I spat. “What kind of ponies shove their friend around? What kind of ponies insult their friends right in the face? You are not my friend; you were never my friend!”
“Whoa, whoa, that’s pretty aggressive, especially coming from an incompetent pony like you,” said Flame Buster, feigning surprise by raising a hoof.
“Pretty brave as well,” added Nova.
“Listen carefully, Shux, I don’t give a damn about what you think about us. However, one more word I hear from the teacher that says you tried to frame us—” Boss started.
“Frame you? Excuse me, but what you’re doing is bullying, and I’m pretty sure I told Miss Hackney the absolute tru—” I indignantly shouted.
“I said,” Boss growled in a low, threatening voice, “I don’t give a damn whatever you think of us. However… I will not be so generous the next time I hear another word from Miss Hackney, or any other teacher for that matter. You know our skills in magic, don’t you?”
I thought quickly. So far, telling the teachers about the bullying had no effect at all, obviously. How could I guarantee that it would actually be effective the next time I told Miss Hackney about it? And their expressions looked like they could use a good punch, just so they could relieve the stress. So I slowly nodded, as much I hated to.
“Good. Remember, Shux, we’re keeping an eye on you… come on guys, let’s go,” said Boss, finally allowing some space between me and the wall.
After I was let free, I retreated to my room, pacing around and thinking. This… this was the first time I had submitted to their demands. And it didn’t take a genius to guess that once I had finally given in, they would harass me even harder.
I considered writing to my parents. After all, an adult speaking to another adult had a better effect than a foal talking to an adult, didn’t it? So I started writing a letter.
Dear mom,
Hi, mom! It’s been a while since I wrote to you. I wonder how you are doing.
Actually, I’m writing this letter because I have some issues. Some of my peers are constantly bullying me. They shove me around, talk behind my back, insult me in the face, so on. It’s kind of making life hard—
But then, I stopped. After thinking it several times over, I decided to not tell my parents.
Did I mention I have a little sister? Because I do, a younger sister named Aurora. She’s two years younger than I am, and she’s already such an adorable bright spot. I mean, how could you not be fond of her; she’s smart, kind, cute, everything one could ask for a little sister. We used to pull pranks on each other. We took turns in covering for each other’s mischievous pranks and wrongdoings. We even soothed each other whenever one of us had a bad nightmare.
Unfortunately, she also has a rather severe heart condition. Even before I came to Canterlot, I had seen her go through a heart attack in the middle of the day. It was chaotic; mom trying to get Aurora to calm down; dad calling the EMS; Aurora lying on the ground, clutching her chest with her hooves, struggling to breathe. And I just stood there, watching. Too terrified to do anything. That was when I was eight. And now, four years later, she had another one of those heart attacks.
Her pacemaker had malfunctioned, sending out electrical pulses when it shouldn’t have. It ultimately caused my sister’s heart to fail, and once again I was unable to do anything, being so far away from home, so far away from her.
I didn’t want to worry my parents. For all I knew, they were staying in the hospital Aurora was in, watching her 24/7. Aurora was in a coma, and they didn’t know when she would be waking up. Even the doctors didn’t know. And I knew that, by telling them of the bullying that was going on, I would be giving them another issue to deal with. And I didn’t want that. Not when my parents were praying for their lives to have their younger child saved.
So I tore up the letter, threw the pieces into the trash bin, and wrote a new one:
Dear mom,
Hi mom! It’s been a while since I wrote to you.
I heard that Aurora’s in the hospital. I was always worried what would happen when that pacemaker of hers failed. Hope she wakes up from her coma soon, because I really want her to be awake by the time I get her a cake and a present for her eleventh birthday. I want her to see for herself what I got her. Not to mention that she needs to be the astronomer she always wanted to be. I mean, her cutie mark’s a ringed gas-giant with three stars. She will be a great astronomer, I can guarantee that.
On the other news, school’s going great. Everypony is nice and kind here, and my friends are helping me out with my assignments. Although, I can’t wait until summer break arrives so I can see you again.
So don’t worry about me, since I’m doing great. Tell dad I said hello, and Aurora that I’ll bring her birthday presents when she wakes up.
See you in a few weeks!
With lots of love Lux
After I finished writing the letter, I read it through once more. Then I rolled up the scroll and used my magic to send it on its merry way. Throughout the process, I struggled to keep my vision from becoming misty.
After sending the letter, I watched it fly away into the purple twilight sky until it was no longer visible. Then I broke down. I fell onto my haunches, and dragged myself to a dark corner of the room. I wrapped my forelegs around my hind knees, and sobbed. I had never felt so utterly lonely and helpless. I rocked back and forth, crying into my forelegs. I was so afraid, so alone.
Just then, a chirping sound reached my ears. I looked up. Echo was chirping from his cage, looking at me. Even though I was crying, I couldn’t help but put on a little smile when I saw him. He did know how to cheer me up, the little fella. I walked up and opened the cage. Echo hopped onto my forehooves and chirped.
“Oh, you cute little fella. Don’t you worry, Lux is perfectly fine. It’s just… it’s just that I… don’t know what to do.” I choked through tears and sniffles. “But don’t you worry, I’ll be by your side, no matter what.”
Echo chirped and flew up to my cheeks, and gave little pecks on each side. That did make me smile. “Thanks.”
Chapter 3: What has been Lost
After that day, life took an even rougher course. When I became thirteen, we began lessons on combat magic. With those lessons came duel practices, where we would split into groups of two and try to use the combat magic we learned, including the stunning spell and the deflection shields. Of course those magic weren’t harmful; they left a pony stunned for a minute or two at the most, and since most of us weren’t that acquainted with using combat magic yet, the effects on ponies were significantly weaker.
With the exception of the four bullies, of course.
During practices, they would take turns to be in the same group as me, and would hurl whatever combat magic we had learned that day at full force towards me. I would, meanwhile, try to put up a deflection shield; not that it had much effect on blocking the spells, but still, it was better than nothing.
And whenever those spells struck me, it hurt. A lot . Not to mention that it left me dizzy or paralyzed as Tartarus for a few minutes. And I couldn’t throw my own spells at full force at them, or I would have to face consequences after class. I learned that the hard way. I had to shake off the black eye and the bruises as “having slipped on a puddle of water and crashed face first into a wall” after that.
I guess the only reason I managed to remain sane during this period was thanks to Echo, who was the only friend I had left. Everytime I would retire to my room, either badly bruised or on the verge of crying, he would hop out of his cage, fly over to me, and land on my hoof. I would talk to him for hours on end, while he listened to every word, every single event that had gone down that day. He would wipe my tears with his wings whenever I cried, and would spend the night talking away with me. Well, it was a rather one-sided conversation, but at least he gave responses, chirping whenever I wanted an answer, as if he knew what was going on in my mind.
At this point, Echo was pretty much the only thing that kept me going.
And they took him away from me.
About two years later, when I was fourteen, just a month away from my fifteenth birthday, it happened. I had just returned from school to my dorm room, just as bruised and exhausted as any other day had been.
“Echo, I’m back,” I called out.
Usually, Echo would have hopped out of his cage and flew his way over to me, chirping joyfully all the way. However, that day, only silence remained. I became slightly uneasy, but then I thought Echo might be taking a nap.
“What, is my little fella tired?” I asked, walking over to Echo’s cage.
About five feet away from the cage, I froze. Echo lay on the floor of the cage, motionless. On the cage floor, a white powder lay scattered. I felt my heart skipping a beat. I rushed over to the cage, whose door was ajar.
“H… hey, what’s wrong, dude? Aren’t you going to say ‘hi’ to Lux?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. I levitated him off the floor and onto my hooves. He was cold as ice. That’s when it hit me; Echo was dead.
“Oh… Celestia… it’s going to be alright, please, Echo, tell me you’re still alive. Come on, dude, why aren’t you breathing? Please, don’t give up on me, please… Echo… come on, your favorite pony’s here, why aren’t you opening your eyes? Come on… p… please don’t… don’t die…” I rambled on and on, once again sitting on my haunches in a dark corner, sobbing into my forehooves. But this time, my bluebird friend wasn’t there to sing to me, console me. He just lay there, on the floor, motionless. And I would never hear that familiar chirp again.
I buried Echo beneath a tree near the edge of the schoolyard. I didn’t show any signs of sadness while burying him; I only maintained an expressionless face.
The white powder on the cage floor turned out to be potassium cyanide. At first I wondered how it ended up in Echo’s cage, but then potassium cyanide was being used in chemical experiments in the school, and it was relatively easy to sneak a bit of the substance out of the laboratory.
It didn’t take long for me to guess who had been behind Echo’s death: the four bullies. The moment I reached this conclusion, I completely lost it. I let fury take over control of my body, as I began to throw and destroy objects in my room, screaming and crying throughout the destruction. When the tantrum was over, the room looked as if it had been bombed.
After making such a mess of my room, I calmed down a little. I sighed, and cleaned up the fragments I made out of my books and furniture. When the cleaning was done, I sat down in a corner opposite to the window, and started swallowing up my rage. The night went on as I sulked in the corner, unable to fall asleep.
As I sat there for hours, fully awake, the rage inside me cooled, and turned into something else: hatred. Pure, venomous hatred, sizzling underneath the surface. Watching the Sun rise above the horizon, painting itself and the sky a crimson red, I began to think how to avenge Echo’s death.
I couldn’t go into a head-on fight against them; I would lose and get beaten up terribly. No, this operation had to be subtle, to be clandestine. Once I got the proof, the the grown-ups would deal with the rest of the procedures.
“Did they really think they could get away with killing Echo? Well… guess it’s time to show them that they were mistaken,” I muttered to myself, as I prepared to commence the operation.
The teachers had already reached a conclusion that they wouldn’t be able to catch the culprit: too many suspects and all that. Not to mention that they were afraid of accusing an innocent pony. So I devised a plan.
I owned a tape recorder that I got from my dad and used to play around when I was younger. I still had it in my dorm room, and there were plenty of cassette tapes that I possessed. Not that I had anything important recorded in them; mostly childish games I used to do when I was around six or seven.
So I inserted the tape into the recorder, pressed record, put the recorder into my saddlebag, and secured the bag with a strap that went around my barrel. Afterwards, I left my room. I was determined to make this the last time I would be facing those bullies, one way or another.
It didn’t take me long to find the bullies. It was during recess time when I found Boss Gang hunched over with his cronies, poking fun about something in the corner of the school playground. I sneaked up behind a nearby tree, making sure I wasn’t seen.
“So, I’ve heard that that Shux dude’s been broken since his bird died. Is that right?” I heard Sol speak, clearly in a tone that contained no sorrow in it.
“Yeah. Good for him, though. He was kinda becoming a freak, the way he kept talking to that bird of his,” Boss answered, with a tone that indicated he was enjoying the conversation.
Wait, how did they know? I thought. I never showed myself talking with Echo outside of my room! I was about to continue pondering on the subject, when I was yanked out of my thoughts by what I heard next.
“Quite frankly, I think he ought to be grateful to us. We did save him from going insane, even though we had to kill the bird in the process,” said Boss in a smug tone.
“So you did kill him, didn’t you?” I shouted, stepping out from behind the tree.
Boss looked surprised, yet there was still a faint smug smile on his face. Then his expression turned to one of a hunter staring at a worthy prey. It was hard to catch, yet the change was noticeable.
“So, eavesdropping on us now, Shux? And after all this time I thought—” said Boss with a sad look on his face, trying to fake disappointment.
I wouldn’t have any of it.
“Tell me why! Tell me why you did it! From the very first day I came here until two days ago, you never left me alone. You kept poking fun at me, and when those three cronies came along, you shoved me, talked shit behind my back, and beat me up during combat magic lessons. You never stopped when I told you to. And now, you had to take away the dearest thing to me. Why did you do it?!” I screamed, trembling with rage. No tears came from my eyes this time, though; there simply weren’t any tears left to cry.
“Why? Well, mainly because… because it’s fun. To us, you see. And I thought you would enjoy our pranks together. I thought we would be able to laugh it off, you know,” said Boss, showing disappointment. And this time he wasn’t faking it. “It’s a shame you didn’t enjoy it, Shux. I really thought you would enjoy it.” As he said so, a familiar glint showed in his eyes.
Internally, I was horrified. That glint… it was so familiar. Whenever Boss would come and bully me to Tartarus, that fiery glint would show in his eyes. And now, his eyes had the strongest fires I had ever seen in him. And whenever that fire lit up, it meant trouble for me.
I felt sick. He truly had fun bullying me. I slowly backed up, saying “I… I’m out of here. I’ve had enough, enough of your… your ‘plays’. I… I’ll see you later.”
With that, I turned around to leave, and saw Nova Rays and Flame Buster were standing right behind me. When did they manage to get behind my back, I wondered. This wasn’t the time for that, however. Sol and Boss were closing on me from the back; Nova and Flame from the front. I was surrounded. Their horns started to glow. So I did the only thing I could think at the moment. I shot Flame Buster with a stunning spell with all of my strength and immediately ran away.
I ran into the school building, running through hallways and staircases. I could hear the bullies galloping behind me, and I kicked more power into my legs. They were catching up, however. More than once, when I turned a corner into another hallway or staircase, spells would fly behind my head and smash into the wall. After minutes of running, however, I was running out of strength. My lungs burned, my legs ached, and, worst of all, I had ran into a dead end. I was back in my dormitory, and it was a one-way passage. So I did the only thing I could think of: I dashed towards my room, opened the door, and slammed it close, but not before three spells smacked into my hind legs. Although, I did make sure I locked the door as I fell over.
I crashed onto the floor of my dorm room. I tried to get up, but found out that I couldn’t. I immediately realized what this was. A stunning spell. Or rather, stunning spells. I tried to move again. This time I could move my forelegs, although my lower body remained paralyzed. I panicked. There was no way I was getting anywhere in this state, and for all I knew, the bullies were right outside the door. It wouldn’t be long before they got to my room. I had to act fast. I quickly opened my saddlebag, pulled out the recorder with my magic, hid it in a book, and put the book away in a bookshelf. Then I dragged myself over to a corner near my desk, trying to get my hind legs to cooperate. I wasn’t going to get anywhere in this state, and I didn’t have the power to teleport after getting hit by that spell. I managed to crawl the distance, and just as I folded my hind legs in using my forelegs, the door burst open.
Damn, I thought, that didn’t take long.
I wrapped my forehooves around my head in a cowering position. I awaited my fate to fall upon me. Seconds that seemed to be an eternity passed, when a thought entered my head. How ironic, I thought bitterly, that even on the day I was determined to end this bullying once and for all, I’m once again stuck in my room, crouched in a corner. This is just how things are supposed to go for me, I guess. Like how it’s always been. Like how it is. And that’s how it will be. Well, then what’s the point of all this, this… fighting against them and standing up to them and whatnot.
I closed my eyes, lowered my forelegs, and leaned my head against the side of the desk, licking my lips. They had a bitter taste. I stayed there for another several moments, awaiting my fate. I even began to wonder when they would find me.
“Well, well, well. Look what we have here.” A familiar bossy voice reached my eardrums. I opened my eyes.
“You’re so going to regret shooting that spell at me, Shux. I’ll beat you to death,” rasped Flame Buster.
“Well,” I said, with a tone that sounded even bitterer, “I don’t even care at this point. Maybe you should, seeing how you made me just… not care anymore. So, are you here to punch me, or what?”
To be honest, I couldn’t have cared less if they had beat me to death, right there and then. But, well, they didn’t. Although the punchings and beatings did go on for a good few hours while I writhed on the floor, more because of the pain than the will to do at least something to avoid the incoming hooves and magic spells.
At first, they shot magic spells at me, leaving bruises and marks wherever they hit. And when they ran out of steam, they began to use their own hooves, kicking and bucking and stomping. I began wondering how I wasn’t unicorn powder yet, and then, as a powerful hoof made contact with the side of my head, I blacked out.
I must have been out for a few hours, because when I opened my eyes, the Sun was setting. I tasted blood in my mouth. I felt around my nose and saw that it was bleeding heavily as well. It was difficult to breathe, with each breath bringing a stinging sensation to my nose. Must have broken my nose , I mused. I touched the sides of my head, which was ringing with a killing headache. I felt something warm and sticky on the right side, which, to no big surprise, turned out to be blood. I blinked. Something warm and red trickled down into left my eye, stinging it. I closed my left eye; I could pretty easily guess what the liquid was, and I wasn’t going to let it enter my eye anymore than necessary.
Breathing heavily, I managed to crawl across the floor and lean against the wall, staring outside the window. There was a pain in my chest everytime I breathed. I tasted iron in my mouth. I coughed, and ended up spitting blood on my yellowish amber fur, staining it a crimson red color. The sky outside was turning a dark shade of blue, almost indigo. Soon the Moon would rise, and everypony would be heading to sleep, while I, breathing with difficulty and slowly bleeding out, was having difficulty staying awake.
Huh, so this is actually how it ends, I thought, I wished for this to end one way or another, but… hay, I never actually expected it to end this way. At least I’ll get to see Echo when I get there. Looks like I’ll die here. Good thing it’s not that painful. Aside from the bruises and the headache and the chest pain, of course. Heh, looks like this is actually the end. It’s not so bad, at least….
As my consciousness faded away, I thought I might have heard the door opening and somepony screaming. I wasn’t sure about it.
Chapter 4: What I've Found
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep….
A steady, rhythmic beeping sound woke me up. I opened my eyes, and took a moment to take in my surroundings. I felt an oxygen mask strapped to my face, along with several bandages that covered my head and ribs. I felt around my left eye and discovered that the gash had been stitched. There were several wires that were attached to my chest, leading to a machine that constantly let out a beeping noise. Curtains blocked me from other ponies’ view. And from somewhere behind the curtains, I could hear several ponies talking in hushed voices.
“So, will he be okay….”
“… just give him a few weeks….”
“…two broken ribs… fractured skull, as well as a concussion….”
“…I never knew what he was going through….”
“How could this happen….”
“I am so sorry….”
Voices of several ponies swam through my head, as well a sound that sounded like somepony crying. As I felt my consciousness fading away into darkness once more, the words I am so sorry echoed around in my head.
I awoke again. This time, the oxygen mask was gone. The IV was no longer attached to my body. My chest and head were still bandaged. I looked out the window next to my bed. The Sun was setting in the west. I sighed. Well, at least I was alive. That’s maybe one thing I could care about.
Suddenly I heard someone sniffle. I turned my head to the other side. What I saw made me realize the gravity of the situation. There they were; mom, with her usually well-combed yellow mane all ruffled up, which, combined with her matching yellow fur, gave the impression of a lost and wandering chick; dad, with red, puffy eyes, as if he had been crying for hours without stopping; Aurora, with the saddest look on her face I had ever seen.
With that, I realized another thing. Even if I stopped caring about things, there were still ponies who cared about me. And that was one of the precious things I still had. I lost Echo three days ago, but I still had my family, who loved me and cared about me. For the first time in what felt like a long time, I felt… I felt that something actually mattered to me. For once, I thought I could smile again.
I opened my mouth to speak, but closed it without saying anything. What could I say? I had lied to them so many times that everything was fine, everything was going okay. I lied to them, just so that they wouldn’t worry, wouldn’t be hurt. Except that it hurt them much more than if I had just told them the truth.
Unable to think of anything to say, I smiled a little and said, “Hi, everyone”.
My parents began crying again.
After my parents and I had a long talk — and I do mean long talk — about what I did, and left the room with the conclusion that lying in order to spare my parents negative feelings was worse than telling the truth, Aurora and I were left to ourselves in the hospital room.
An awkward silence remained in the room, with me staring at the wall opposite of me while Aurora fiddled with her hooves.
“So… how’s your pacemaker doing?” I asked, trying to break some of the awkwardness.
“It’s… it’s doing fine, I guess. I haven’t had a problem since… you know, two years ago,” said Aurora, with a tone that reflected the awkward atmosphere in the room.
I sighed, and changed the subject to something more direct. “They’re pretty disappointed with me, aren’t they? What with lying and all that….” I sighed again, covering my face with my hooves.
Aurora gazed at me for a moment, then said, “Actually, they’re more sorry for you than disappointed.”
I turned and looked at her. “What?”
Aurora locked eyes with me with her emerald green eyes. “They’re sorry for you, Lux. They think that they haven’t paid enough attention to how you were doing here. Of course they’re disappointed that you lied to them. But they’re also sorry that they weren’t able to be the reliable parents whose children could turn to when they had issues.”
I stared at her for a moment, then returned my gaze to the wall and said, “No. They haven’t done anything wrong. They did everything to support me, and l-look at me, l-lying to my parents just-*sniff *-just because I was afraid that they would worry about me,” I mumbled, trying to hold back the tears.
“I almost did tell them, Aurora. I almost did. But then I got scared. Scared that receiving the news of me getting bullied would be too much for them, especially when they were so worried about that accursed heart problem and that pacemaker. I never realized that just telling them would solve the problem and then all of us wouldn’t have to worry about it. I just… I… oh, what have I done?” I rambled as the tears came through. Then I covered my face with my hooves again and began to sob.
Aurora came to my side, wiping a tear away from my cheek with her hoof. “Hey now, it’s okay… it’s okay….” She began patting my shoulder. She kept doing that for a while until I finally managed to calm down. Then she said, “They’ll forgive you, if they haven’t already. And, if it helps you deal with the guilt, you did it with good intentions, you know.”
Aurora asked, “You okay now?” I nodded again, still sniffling.
“I forgot that sometimes you act like you’re the older sibling,” I said with a laugh.
“Well, no surprise, seeing how you’re such a dork at times,” replied Aurora with a wink.
I gave her the ‘well-you-had-better-watch-your-mouth-young-lady’ look while Aurora laughed, “What? It’s only the truth!”
Just then, my parents returned, dad holding a plastic bag in his mouth.
“So, who wants some hayburgers?” asked Mom.
Both Aurora and I gladly shouted, “Us!”
Turns out that forgetting to turn off the tape recorder can really pay off sometimes.
After I was found by somepony who saw the bullies leaving my room covered in blood and taken to the hospital, an investigation into the incident ensued. I told the investigators everything that had happened over the past few years, from the very first day of school when it all started up to the point of somepony opening my room door and screaming, as well as the location of my tape recorder. That somepony, who preferred to have his identity unknown, also told the investigators what he had witnessed. The recording, the assault, and the testimony were enough to get all the bullies expelled from the school.
Eight weeks later, I returned to school. I assured them that it would be fine, that since the bullies were expelled and school year had just started, while I also got transferred to another class. After making countless promises that I would alert my parents should something go wrong, I returned to my dorm.
The first thing I noticed after coming back to my room was Echo’s cage. It had been untouched while I was gone, just like everything else in the room. The white powder was still on the cage floor. I stared at the cage for a moment. Then, I took the cage to the sink, and began washing the powder away. After thoroughly washing the cage, I put the cage where it was, just how it used to be when Echo was still alive.
With one last glance at the cage, I picked up my saddlebag and went to class.
Did I mention my grades were dropping near that time? Because boy, my grades were dropping. Guess the bullying finally took its toll on my studies. By the end of my sixth year, my average grades had dropped to a B-, with getting even a D on some subjects. Compared to the A- I had gotten for last semester and the A a year ago, it was clear that something was not going right.
I only assumed that it was because of all the bullying that was happening, and that they would get better since the bullies were gone.
How wrong I was.
The class I had been transferred to, and thus began my seventh year at school with, was taught by Professor Top Marks. He was a strict teacher: gave us lots of homework, graded our projects by-the-rules, never digressed from the original topic of the day’s lesson, and so on.
I mean, I was fine with that. If we wanted a little breather during class, we had break times for that. The real problem was that I couldn’t understand what we were learning. When I listened to his lessons, fine, I could easily follow him. Or at least, I thought I could. But when I tried to apply what I learned in class to my homework or project? It became a totally different story.
My first assignment was a problem on spell-development and topology. It read:
a) Show why the spell used for transforming an object into another requires a phrase that dictates the magnitude of change in the Hoofmann Number, and explain how the phrase affects the mechanics of the spell.
b) Based on your response of question a), create a basic spell that would transform a donut into a sponge. Explain why you created the spell using your method, and the mechanics of the individual parts of your spell.
c) What would the change in Hoofmann number have to be in order to transform a ball into a Maneger sponge? Provide a proof to your answer.
Looking at the assignment, I dove into it head-first. Approximately five hours later, I was staring forlornly into the stubborn piece of paper, while bits of crumpled up paper and stacks of books from the library lay haphazardly on my desk. I hadn’t made a single bit of progress since I started, and this problem was supposed to be a basic one!
I was baffled at first. How could this be? I thought understood everything needed for the assignments. But then, the truth was that I might have dozed a couple times off in class so far. Also, this class had the most gifted unicorns in the school, so it was natural that homeworks and assessments were difficult. I had only been able to get into this class because my average grades throughout the years barely satisfied the minimum threshold, no thanks to the average B- during last semester. So yeah, that had to be it, right? I just had to push myself a little bit harder, and I would be able to finish my homework and catch up with what we were learning in class.
Or, at least, I thought so.
“Well, Mr. Cognito. You haven’t finished your homework, which was due today. So, you automatically get a failed grade. Here, take your assignment,” said Professor Top Marks. His tone wasn’t exactly chastising, but it wasn’t comforting, either. As I returned to my seat with my homework, a big red F written on it, I glanced at Professor Top Marks, who was busy calling out the next student.
I had tried my best to finish the homework, I really did. But then, even after countless nights without sleep, I wasn’t able to make much progress. I sighed, and forlornly looked down at the sheet of homework. A big, red F. It looked back up at me, as if telling me you’ve failed! in my face.
I roughly put the paper away into my saddlebag. Staring at it wouldn’t turn an F into an A. I pulled out my textbooks, and prepared for the day’s lesson. Let’s do this again , I thought to myself, because there’s still a chance for me. Today is a new day.
And so I tried, over and over. Hoping that tomorrow would be different. That my next assignment would be different.
It never was.
As time went on, some of the classmates began to tease me about my grades. Of course, they were all snobs here. What did I expect? They would make snide remarks about my grade, such as “Got an F again, Shux?” and “Hey, cheer up, Shux. At least your score lives up to your name.” I should mention that by this point the nickname ‘Shux’ had spread pretty much throughout the entire school, no thanks to Boss and his gang. I also gained the nickname ‘Scarface’ thanks to the scar that ran down from my left eyebrow to where my left cheek began.
I ignored them, although at times I would bite my lower lip. No point arguing with snobs like them. They think they’re the center of the universe, so why even bother? Even then, they did have a point. My grades was the lowest in the entire class, and I even began to show trouble in fully understanding the lessons. The teachers also noticed, and gave me advice that I should review my notes more often, solve more problems, just work harder in general.
And whenever I would go ask them about a particular problem we had solved during class, or about a concept I didn’t understand, they would cock their heads, or look at me with eyes that spoke incredulousness about the fact that I couldn’t understand such basic stuff. At one point, Professor Top Marks basically shouted “Lux, this is such an easy concept. Just apply the basics and rules you learned this way and that and you can easily prove it! What part of it is so hard to understand?” while I stood there, in the teachers’ office, in front of all the other teachers. During that fifteen minutes, the ground became the most interesting thing to look at.
“You need to study harder, Lux,” said the professor, “go over the notes, solve more problems, review the concepts you’ve learned so far. It’s not that you don’t have the talent in you; you’re not trying hard enough.”
So I did. I tried harder. And harder.
I would go to sleep past three in the morning, when my body just couldn’t take it anymore and had to sleep. I would drink coffee every morning just to stay awake during class, while using every second of break time and lunchtime I had going over my notes and doing my homework. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me, but I didn’t care. My body could take a bit of a strain if it meant an improvement in my grades.
Time passed by like an arrow, with days turning into weeks, which in turn changed into months. It had been two months, and now midterms were approaching. During that time, I continued to struggle with my assignments. Most of the time, it was a C or a D. Other times, it was an F. I still had my hopes up, though. It only had been two months, and I was sure it was because I hadn’t fully adjusted to the new environment.
Nevertheless, I really needed to make sure I got the grades I wanted in the midterms. I mean, trying so hard to get the results I wanted, only to turn out that I didn’t would be so… disappointing, so bitter. Not to mention it would disappoint my parents once more.
I really hope to get good grades on this test, I thought. I worked so hard throughout the semester, and I would be happy if it paid off just for once. If I don’t get good grades… not only would it show that what I’ve been doing was utterly pointless, it would also tell my parents that they’ve been supporting me for nothing.
I shook the thought away from my head. I was studying in the school library, sipping coffee from a plastic cup. As I pored over the notes I had taken during class with heavy eyes, trying to get my thick head to absorb a thing, I heard hoofsteps approaching. I glanced up, and my heart fell. Lemon Hearts and Ruby Pinch were approaching.
Just like her name, Lemon Hearts had a thing with giving her heart to some ponies… and giving other ponies the lemon. Ruby Pinch was her best friend, always keeping herself close with Lemon. Naturally, she would be the first to join whenever Lemon Hearts decided to poke fun of my grades.
“Studying hard, Scarface?” Lemon Hearts asked, sporting a smug look on her face. I sighed inwardly; I hated this filly.
“What do you want, Lemon?” I grunted, making no effort whatsoever to hide my resentment towards her.
“Oh, just so you know, all the other seats were full, so we were hoping to sit in this desk. Also, I’m pretty sure you could use a helping hoof with your studies,” said Lemon Hearts, barely holding back a snicker.
“I don’t need your help, thank you,” I growled through gritted teeth. I wasn’t going to get help from such an arrogant pony like her. Or like anypony in my class.
“Heh, sure. Just don’t come crying to us when you get an F in the midterms, Shux,” said Ruby Pinch, snide literally dripping from her words.
“I won’t,” I replied coldly as I packed my stuff and prepared to leave.
“Aww, running away, aren’t you?” said Ruby.
“Right now, I’d be anywhere other than being with you two,” I snapped without looking at them.
“Yeah, sure. Says the only stallion without a cutie mark in our class….”
I turned and glared. “What did you say?” I asked, as fury rose to my throat.
“I mean, it’s true. You’re the oldest among all of us, and yet you don’t have a cutie mark! Even Ruby and I have our own cutie marks,” said Lemon, with a wide smirk on her face.
“Me getting my cutie mark is none of your business, so just leave me alone, will ya?” I snarled. Then I turned and walked away, trying with all of my will to hold my anger back.
“Yeah yeah, sure….” muttered Lemon, while Ruby shouted “See you later, Shux!”
I shook my head and trotted out of the library. At this point, I wouldn’t have been surprised if somepony said they were worse than Boss ever was. And I couldn’t take my anger out on them, or I would end up in a bad spot. Not to mention that I indeed didn’t have a cutie mark yet. But right now, that wasn’t the major concern I had.
Not before long, the midterms arrived. I went over my notes up to the very minute we were required to put everything away and take our tests. Not that it had much effect on the test grades. And, unsurprisingly, I struggled once again.
For the next six hours, while we were tested on six different subjects, I had to endure a torture that lasted for six hours. Every problem felt as if it were some problem that had come from Tartarus to torture me, and my head throbbed as if it was going to explode under the pressure. Every time I turned my test papers in, I knew I was going to fail it, seeing how few problems I had managed to solve in time.
During the transformation test, the last test of the day, I was asked to transform an apple into a tea cup. I eventually ended up creating an object that resembled one-third apple, one-third cup, and one-third donut. Dejected, I lowered my head and walked out of the test room.
I had tried so hard, and yet… I failed. I failed myself, my family, and… everypony .
I paced around in my dorm room. It was late afternoon, a few hours after exams were over. The grading process was over, and a copy of my report card had been sent to me and my family in Ponyville.
The results: one C, two D’s, and three F’s, including transformation. My parents had received the report card and were worried about it. As I pranced around the room, the hoofheld mirror on my desk vibrated. A call. I sat at my desk and looked at it. It was from my parents. I answered the call. “Hello?”
“Lux, it’s good to hear your voice!” Mom’s voice echoed from the other side.
“Yeah, how’s school going, Lux?” Dad chipped in.
“Well, as you know…,” I said with a sigh, rubbing my eye with a forehoof, “we took our midterm exams today. Didn’t do too well on them, to say the least.”
“Oh yeah, about that,” said mom with a dry voice, “Lux, it seems that there is a problem with your studies. You got… let’s see, one C, two D’s, and three F’s. Is something bothering you again?”
“No, it’s just… it’s just the studies themselves. They’re kinda making my life hard,” I answered, trying to not show the built-up emotions of sadness and despair. I couldn’t break down, not when I was talking about such serious matters.
“Well, if they’re making your life hard, then maybe you ought to keep trying. Study more, try harder, you know the drill,” said mom, her tone telling me that she genuinely believed in what she said.
“Yeah, try harder. Right. As if I’m not trying my best right now. Seriously, why does bucking everyone tell me to push myself to the limits when I’m already pushed to the limit?” I said, sarcasm and annoyance dripping from my words.
“Lux, I’m being serious. Clearly you’re not achieving your goals, and the easiest thing you can do right now is to work harder.” Her voice was a bit more stern now.
At that moment, I snapped. “Well, as if somepony would think that staying up until three in the morning, plus skipping breakfast, lunch, and break time just to get more time to study isn’t working hard enough! Everypony tells me the bucking same thing: just study harder. Yeah, you know what? I’ve heard that exact shit from all of the teachers and my classmates. I don’t need you to make me hear the same bullshit a hundredth time!” I yelled into the mirror, not caring the fact that my voice was cracking.
I panted. An awkward silence hung in the air. No doubt my parents were shocked by my little outburst.
“I… I gotta go. I’ll call you back,” I said, ashamed by my rage and wanting to end the awkward silence. I hung up before my parents could say anything. Then I slid out of my desk and headed over to the bathroom.
I stood up on my hind legs, leaning into the sink with my forehooves. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. Unkempt mane, dark bags beneath both eyes, a quivering left lower eyelid… my entire face practically screamed sleep deprivation and excessive stress. I began to turn away from the mirror. I didn’t want to see my reflection anymore; I didn’t want to risk punching my own reflection in the mirror.
Suddenly, a voice spoke, “So, Lux, you’ve failed. You’ve failed yourself, your parents, and everypony else. Congratulations.”
Surprised, I looked around the room. There was no one in the bathroom, nor my room.
“Over here,” the voice said, “in the mirror.”
I slowly turned to face the mirror. There he stood, my own reflection.
“Well, well, well, surprised, aren’t you? It’s not everyday you get to see your own reflection talking in the mirror. Well, Mr. Cognito, as I said earlier, you’ve failed.” With that, the reflection turned into a spitting image of Professor Top Marks.
“Wha— ” I said, stunned by the sudden transformation.
The image of Professor Top Marks turned into Lemon Hearts. “I mean, you’re just a stallion without a cutie mark. What did you expect when you joined this class, Shux?”
“I, I don’t—”
“Well, it’s not surprising, considering he was going crazy, talking to his bird and whatnot. Heck, he should have been grateful towards me for rescuing him from the source of the madness, and look what he did! He kicked me out of the school!” Boss Gang spoke from the mirror.
“You…!” I growled, as rage filled my insides.
“Well, don’t worry. The cyanide made quick work of him, so he didn’t suffer much,” said Boss with a snicker.
“Enough!” I screamed as I swung my right forehoof at the mirror. The mirror cracked. Boss’s image disappeared, and so did the voice. In the mirror was, once again, a reflection of me. But it wasn’t normal. I looked at the fractures in the mirror. The left side of the mirror had been cracked to Tartarus, but the right side was somehow intact. When I refocused on the reflection in the mirror, it looked hideous. On the right side, an intact reflection of a pony. On the left side, an image of a pony that was so warped and distorted that I could barely call it my own. It looked more like a pony-shaped demon, trying to engulf the other half that was intact.
I snorted in disgust and turned away. The Sun was, as always, going down in the west. As I watched, a thought wormed its way into my mind.
What’s the point of all this? Even if I somehow managed to raise my grades, which doesn’t seem likely at the moment, what will come after? I still don’t know which path I should take. Who can guarantee that once I’m through this suffering, everything will be okay? Who can say that I will be happy after I graduate? I asked myself. And I knew the answer to it. No one. Nopony knows better about me than myself, and yet I don’t know what will happen myself.
Heck, I don’t even have a cutie mark. When I first came here, I thought I was talented in magic. Turns out I wasn’t. I was just lucky at the time. Then, what else am I good at? I questioned, but came up with no answers.
I… I really don’t know what I should do at this point. I can’t quit: my parents have high expectations for me, and I’ve failed them too many times. Quitting would just make me a failure. No, I’ve come too far to quit. But then, what should I do? ‘Cause working harder doesn’t work, and it’s not like I can back up to lower-level subjects. The only way is ahead, and yet… I don’t know how to go forward. Heck, I’m not even sure if I can go forward. Maybe I should ask for help. But ask who? ‘Cause no one at this school’s helping me out, and my parents don’t understand my situation one bit. Well, I’m on my own again, ain’t I?
As I reached my conclusion, I heaved a sigh. I felt alone again. Just two months after the incident with Boss’s gang, and I was on my own again. I missed home. I missed my family. I missed mom, dad, Aurora, Echo, everypony who I considered close while growing up.
My body felt like it was made out of lead. It was already the middle of the night. Tired of my own thoughts, I slid myself into bed.
It didn’t take long for me to completely lose the drive to continue on. At first, I tried to fight against the thoughts that plagued my head. I tried, with all of my might, to deny the negative thoughts I had and encourage myself to have faith in myself and the future. At first, it kind of worked, as my negatives and positives were in a battle, a stalemate for about two weeks. But then, as I received yet another D, followed by an F the next week, my defenses crumbled. The grades were undeniable proof that I wasn’t supposed to be here, that I wasn’t worthy enough. I tried to fight again, but failed.
Next, I tried to divert my attention from those thoughts. I immersed myself in studying, as well as playing outside during recess time. I tried to stick with others, since being left alone meant becoming susceptible to my own thoughts, and being poked fun of was better than being left alone with my own thoughts. But when I returned to my dorm room at the end of the day, when I was too tired to do anything but lie in bed, yet unable to sleep for hours, the thoughts, which were now unstoppable demonic souls, returned as well.
I eventually began breaking stuff, as a sort of a last stand against my own inner demons. It had the effect of letting me vent my stress, and it was quite fun. The mirror in the bathroom became my major victim. Every time the voice spoke from the mirror — or was it coming from inside my head? — I slammed my hoof against the fractured glass, breaking it more and more every night. It would quell the voices for a hours, or even a few days if I was lucky. But they eventually came back, and I would find myself punching the mirror again and again.
Eventually, the spider web-like lines engulfed the entirety of my reflection, just like how my inner monsters were eating away at me. I could no longer see myself in the mirror, while the voices in my mind grew louder and clearer than ever.
Then, one night, I asked myself.
Why? Why are you doing this to yourself? I cried. Why are you torturing yourself to the point where you can’t even go on?
Simple, came the reply. You’ve failed, Lux. You’ve failed yourself, your own parents, your teachers, your classmates, everypony you knew. And when you fail, you pay the price.
Please, I pleaded, just give me peace. Please, don’t make me suffer more than what I’ve already suffered. I don’t want to doubt myself, or feel guilty just because I failed, or fear what may torture me in the future…. I… I just wanted to be a happy, normal pony. Please….
Silence reigned for a moment. Then it spoke, I’m afraid it’s too late for you, for me to become normal, Lux. I’m sorry it had to be this way, but you did fail, and failures have to pay the price for failing.
I screamed. I screamed into the vast nothingness, where my happiness and pride and ego and joy used to be. But there was nothing I could do to stop the wave of despair as it washed me away.
It was cunning. I was cunning. I was constantly torturing myself with my own thoughts, while putting up a fake smile so that nopony would notice a thing. I continued to go to classes and eat meals with others. But, on the inside, it was a constant battle just to keep myself going. Every morning, I would have to persuade myself for minutes just to get myself out of bed. During class, my mind constantly tortured me, while I let the teachers’ rant wash over me. I was effectively trapped in a bubble I had created myself, while I slowly suffocated to death inside it, no one able to hear my screams for help.
Sometimes, I wanted death to take everything over. Just let everything go, and I would slowly drift away into the eternal darkness. The world would go on, and I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. My family would mourn my death, but I thought they could, at least, live on with it. I couldn’t with my own thoughts. So, slowly but surely, I began to consider the last and worst option I had.
Only that I didn’t know it wasn’t the last option I had at the time.
Time flowed, and finals arrived. It was another six hours of me just staring down into the paper, unable to solve a single problem. Or was I unwilling to? I don’t know. Makes no difference. The point is that I fared worse than I had in my midterms. Two D’s, and four F’s.
My parents called me again, and this time they were angry. They scolded me for not being able to get good grades, for not trying harder. I didn’t retort; no point in doing so when they didn’t understand a thing. I let my parents rant away about the importance of getting good grades and trying harder, while I immersed myself in my own thoughts.
I didn’t belong here. I wasn’t supposed to come here in the first place. The finals had proven me to that point. And yet I did, and it was too late to go back. I had failed everyone, and now my teachers, peers, and even my parents were accusing me and making fun of me for doing so. There was… no way out. Except one.
I considered methods. There were several ways one could take his own life away. I could stab myself in the chest or neck. Assuming I hit the mark, it would be a pretty fast way of killing myself. I could also take a lethal dose of potassium cyanide, the substance that killed Echo. Or I could climb up to a secluded tower of the Canterlot Castle and fall off of the roof. No one would ever see me jump, and, given the structure of the castle, it would be some time before somepony finally found my broken body.
When the call was over, I sighed and went through my stuff and pulled out a blade cutter, one I used for cutting paper and boxes. This would do the task no problem. I extracted the blade, and pressed it against my neck, where I could feel my pulse beat against the cold metal.
But something in the back of my mind said, No, Lux. Please don’t do this. You can’t do this.
And I replied, Why? Give me a good reason I shouldn’t. Nopony cares about me, so why shouldn’t I do this? What’s there to keep me from doing this?
Look, there’s gotta be somepony that cares about you. Don’t you remember how much your family cared about you?
That’s the past, I snorted inwards. Don’t you see what they’ve done when I screwed up my midterms and finals? They don’t understand a thing about my situation. And, naturally, when they don’t understand, they don’t care. Either don’t or can’t — makes no difference. Same with other ponies around me; the teachers think that I’m not trying hard enough, and my classmates regard me as a laughing matter. They all think I’m not working hard enough, when, in truth, I’ve pushed myself to the limit. Pushed myself so hard, in fact, that I pushed myself over the ledge.
But, but… there’s still a chance—
Chance for what? A chance that somepony might actually care? Forget it. There’s no one out there who can save me now. No. One.
The voice went silent. Then it said, Just… please don’t do it, Lux… you know it’s not right….
I snorted. Then, after casting another glance at the blade cutter, I slammed it back into the cabinet where I had taken the cutter from.
I turned and stared up at the secluded tower I had been thinking about.
Chapter 9: A Faint Sparkle
The few days after that little incident were... hellish, to say the least. It was a repetition of my survival instincts battling my urge to end it all, and whenever such battles would break out, my mind would turn into a bloody field of carnage. In my room, I would take my box cutter and sit in my desk, contemplating its sharp blade. During potion classes, I would keep glancing at the cabinet that stored poisonous substances, including potassium cyanide. I even had climbed up to this tower several times, only to back away from the ledge and climb down.
This time, I wasn't going to climb back down.
It was New Year’s Eve, and everypony were celebrating the end of a year, and the beginning of a new one. I sat on the rooftop of the secluded tower, thinking of my name. Lux Solis Cognito. My parents named me so that I could be the sunlight that lighted up other ponies’ lives. Quite a fitting name, really, seeing that I was born on the day of the Summer Sun Celebration. But, unlike my name, I wasn’t able to light my own life, let alone others’. So, again, what’s the point? What’s the point in all this if I can’t bring happiness and light even to myself? I stood up and walked towards the edge of the roof.
Here I stood on a ledge. Empty. Broken. Disabled. I looked over the edge, towards the horizon. Canterlot’s a beautiful city, I must say. Especially when it’s snowing. From the highest point of the palace, I could see the lights of everypony’s houses, decorated by a layer of white powder covering their rooftops. Far away in the distance, I saw specks of light gathered together. Is that… is that Ponyville? It’s been a long time since I’ve been there. And I won’t be going back. Forever.
I looked down. The ground seemed like it was a mile away, with ponies crawling on the surface like ants. My way to freedom. The only way of ending this. I sighed into the cold winter night. My breath condensed in front of me, obscuring my vision of Ponyville. My vision blurred. I closed my eyes, and took my final steps.
I felt the ledge disappear from under my hooves. I embraced the force of gravity as I became weightless. I fell. I expected the ground to rush up and meet me. But it didn’t. When I opened my eyes, I found myself wrapped in a bubble of purple magic. The ground was still at least fifty feet away. Then, slowly, somepony lifted me onto the rooftop.
As my hooves touched solid ground once more, I noticed somepony standing right next to where I once stood. A purple pony, with a cutie mark that had a six-pointed pink star surrounded by five smaller white ones.
As soon as the bubble encasing me disappeared, I said, “Twilight Sparkle?”
I knew Twilight from my previous classes. Everypony in school knew she was Princess Celestia’s personal student, and while we worked our way through all the spell-related lessons, she would just sit in the back, silently reading away at her book.
She wasn’t exactly the talking type, or caring type. When I used to get bullied by Boss and his cronies, she would just sit there and keep reading. When the teachers threw their usual bullcrap about my grades at me, she didn’t care and kept reading her book.
I sighed. At least this is better than running into one of the teachers or my classmates, I thought.
My attention returned to reality when I heard Twilight say, “You’re… Lux. Lux Cognito, right?”
I nodded without looking at her.
“And what were you doing up here? Were you practicing a self-levitation spell? Because it seemed like you forgot to add some… safety measures,” said Twilight, with a tone that practically screamed that she had no idea what I was really up to.
I shook my head. Of course she would think that I would be practicing some sort of spell, being the bookhorse she is.
“But, then what were you doing up here….” said Twilight just as realization dawned on her. “You were going to kill yourself.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to confirm it, but I didn’t want to lie at the same time.
Twilight took that as a ‘yes’ and asked, “But… why?” Her voice now carried shock and sadness, and I could see that it was taking every ounce of resolve in her not to freak out.
“Because I didn’t see a point in living anymore. If life brings me nothing but emptiness and pain, and I can’t bring other ponies happiness, what’s the point in living on?” I replied as I stared into the distance, my tone carrying no emotion whatsoever.
“But… you could have asked for help. You could have asked me for help,” said Twilight, confusion and desperation mixing into her tone.
“Says the pony who rarely ever talked to me, and just sat and read books while I got tortured. Yeah, totally. Like I had somepony to ask for help in the first place. You know what? You don’t deserve to say that, Twilight Sparkle, not when you didn’t even care when a pony was being harassed right next to you. You can’t help me. Nopony can.” I said as cold anger coursed through my veins.
“But I care now! I don’t want anypony to end their own lives, especially when they can be saved. I want to help you, Lux. I really do.”
“Do you really think you can save me? You don’t even understand what it’s like to be in my situation! You don’t bucking know how I feel, Twilight! So stop being such a hypocrite and admit it; you can’t help me,” I shouted.
“Lux…,” said Twilight Sparkle, clearly shocked by my sudden display of anger.
I huffed a little as I cooled down. Then my shoulders sagged. “I’m… I’m sorry, Twilight. I’m such a bad pony. You were just trying to help and I swore at you. I’m such a worthless pony that I don’t deserve to be helped. I mean, all I wanted was to stop the pain. Seems like I don’t deserve even that, do I?” I chuckled a bitter laugh as I sank onto my haunches, then curled into a ball and began to sob. Just like how I did countless times during all those years Boss had bullied me. And this time, just like last time, there was no Echo to come back at me.
Twilight remained silent for a moment, before she said, “Look, it’s getting cold out here. Let’s go back in where we can talk without freezing.” With that, she patted a comforting hoof across my back, and teleported with me.
Twilight’s room was… much more of a mess than mine. Sure, my room had its own fair share of broken things, including glass fragments, but at least I had cleaned it up as much as I could. Twilight’s room, however, seemed to be a room of chaos. Books were strewn across every flat surface, some stacked up in tall towers of books. The same went for her desk; tall stacks of books on either side, with bits of paper littered in between the stacks.
Yet there was a certain atmosphere in her room that made me feel comfortable, like I was at home. Maybe it was because of the fireplace, or maybe it was because of the colors of the wall, I don’t know. I couldn’t simply place my hoof on it. I liked it, nevertheless, and let myself bathe in it while I looked around the room.
“Um… it’s a bit messy, as you can see…. Don’t worry. I’ll make some room so that the both of us can sit down comfortably,” said Twilight, moving books around to create yet another stack. Suddenly a loud snoring sound came from above. “Oh, and that’s Spike, my assistant. Don’t worry about waking him up, he won’t wake up unless one deliberately steps on his tail,” she added with a quiet giggle.
“This is… your room?” I asked.
“Eh… yeah! Sorry it’s so messy, heh heh. It’s just that I’m not used to cleaning up—”
“Oh, no no, it’s just that… it’s so better than mine,” I quickly interposed.
“It is?”
“Yeah. Mine’s so… barren, you know. No special objects, no decorations… and certainly, not a lot of books. Just white walls, a bed, a desk, and a bathroom. Pretty minimalistic, if you ask me,” I replied, letting out a sigh.
“Oh well, your room did seem a bit empty… anyways, it’s all done. Please take a seat. Oh, and I’ll get some other things for you, too.”
Once Twilight made sure that I was made comfortable in her room, with a blanket around me and a cup of warm tea in my magical grasp, we began to talk. I told her everything, from the point where I first arrived in Canterlot to Echo’s death and now. Through the entire story, during which I cried a lot, Twilight listened with rapt attention, picking up every single detail and emotion I showed while patting me on the back every now and then.
When I finished, I felt like a significant weight had been lifted off my mind. Sure, my body was exhausted after crying a lot, but my mind was much clearer than before. When I looked at Twilight, tears stained her cheeks, too. It was then I realized that Twilight did , in fact, care for others; she just didn’t know how to show it, or when to show it.
After we both calmed down, Twilight made a suggestion. “Lux, it’s obvious that all this stress coming from your studies, teachers, and peers is taking a heavy toll on you. I think it’s wise if you… dropped out of the school.”
“Oh yeah? So you don’t think I belong here too, do you?” I said with a slight edge in my voice.
Twilight shook her head. “No, but it’s only because it’s not a good fit for you, Lux. What this school has done to you is… it broke you, Lux. It broke your heart and soul. I think you’ll need some time away from everything here.”
I sighed, and shook my head. “My parents are going to be so disappointed….”
“They won’t. Don’t you remember what you said? They were more sorry than disappointed when you were beaten up by Boss Gang. They won’t be disappointed towards you Lux, I promise.”
“I… well…,” I stammered. “Can we at least talk to Princess Celestia about this, Twilight? I don’t think I could decide this on my own…,” I said while staring at the ground.
“Sure, but… are you sure you’ll be okay with telling the Princess everything?” questioned Twilight. “I mean, you don’t have to talk to her directly; I could relay what you want to say and what you want to do about it….”
“Yes. That would be… appreciated, Twilight.” I turned to look at her. “Yes, I think that would be a good idea.”
Twilight nodded. “Okay, Lux… I’ll make sure that Princess Celestia gets your message.”
“Thank you,” I said. I stood up to leave.
“Wait… are you going to leave?” asked Twilight.
I cast her a questioning glance. “Um… yes? I mean, it’s not like I’m intending to spend the entire night here.”
“Oh, um… sure. Are you sure you’ll be okay? In your room, I mean.” said Twilight.
I thought back to my room. I thought of the countless painful memories that tainted it. The times I was beaten up by Boss’s gang and cried, crouched against a wall. The day I lost Echo. The numerous instances I felt so lonely, so hopeless. The days following the finals, when I could have ended my life.
I swallowed. I knew the answer to Twilight’s question, but I wasn’t sure how to answer it. I didn’t want to be a burden to Twilight, and yet… I just couldn’t go back. Not when I felt secure for the first time in ages. In this room, I felt like I could relax, let myself rest for real. Back in my room, I always had a tendency to tense up, physically and mentally. I never got a good rest or sleep in that room.
So I decided to just go with it. “No,” I said with an air of finality, “I don’t think staying in my room will be good for me.”
“Then why do you want to go back there?” asked Twilight, confused once more.
“I don’t. I’m only going back to my room because it’s where I’m supposed to be . I just… I don’t want to be a burden to anypony, Twilight.”
“I, for one, don’t think you spending the night in my room would be a burden to me.” Twilight held up a hoof as I opened my mouth to retort. “Look, Lux, you’re so afraid of disappointing others. But you don’t have to be. Others may laugh and scorn you, but their opinions are not important. What’s important is that you tried and learned. Even if you fail, you can learn why you failed and try again.
“I mean, I’ve failed at magic a few times, and I’m supposed to be talented in magic! Not to mention that I didn’t have any close friends here… until now, that is. Really, Lux, I’m just really worried about you spending the night alone….” She looked at me with pleading eyes.
I contemplated for a moment, then gave in. I mean, I met a pony who cared for me for the first time in months, and who was I to say ‘no’ to her request? “Fine, Twilight Sparkle, you win. But, only until Princess Celestia gets the message, okay?”
Twilight beamed. “Okay! You can use the bed; I can sleep on the couch here—”
“No. Absolutely not. I’m taking the couch, and you’re taking the bed.”
“But,—”
“No buts, I know what sleeping on a couch feels like, especially in the mornings. You can count on my sleep deprivation to testify that….” I murmured that last part, feeling the fatigue in my eyes and eyelids.
“Which is precisely why you’re sleeping in the bed tonight. Plus, I need to do some more research, which means I’ll have to use the lights way after you’ve gone to bed.”
“Well, it’s not like I’ll be able to fall asleep that early,” I said as fireworks went off in the distance, signaling the end of a year and the beginning of a new one. I could hear ponies cheering and shouting from below. “Especially on a night like this. Speaking of which, aren’t you going to see the fireworks?”
“Well, I’d love to, but I have to finish my research project….” Twilight trailed off.
“Oh, come on! Those fireworks are majestic, and you know you can lay off for an hour or two. It’s not like it’s going to hamper your work or something.” I grinned. For the first time in a long period, I was smiling with genuine pleasure, not a fake smile to cover up my miseries.
Maybe Twilight saw that, or maybe it was something in my eyes. It might as well have been the fact that the fireworks were simply splendid. Regardless, something in her eye shifted, and I could tell she was swaying in my favor.
“Fine, you win. But if this has a negative impact on my project, than you’d better make it up to me,” said Twilight with a glare.
I laughed. “Okay, okay. So, do we have a deal?”
“Deal.”
I smiled softly. Not the hard, face-hurting smile like the ones I had. A natural, effortless one, one that carried true happiness.
As we sat on Twilight’s balcony, watching the fireworks go off and paint the night sky a rainbow color, I glanced at Twilight. She looked up at the fireworks like they were the most wonderful things she had seen her entire life. Sure, these fireworks were brighter and prettier than the average year, but still, for somepony who had watched the fireworks fly every year, it was starting to get a tad bit routine. Then, something Twilight had said earlier came back to me.
“Twilight?”
“Yes?”
“Earlier you said that you had no friends until now. But… how come, exactly? You’re, like, the nicest pony I’ve ever met since I came to this school!” I exclaimed, looking at her.
Twilight smiled. A bitter smile. So familiar, yet so… painful. “Let’s just say that ponies around here don’t like other ponies caring for them that much…. When I was little, I tried to reach out to a classmate who had problems with her friendship. She rejected me, and well… things didn’t go too well after that. I tried a few more times with other ponies but… they were no different.”
When Twilight looked at me, there were tears falling from her eyes again. And yet, she had a smile on her face. “But you,” she said as she pointed at me, “you’re different. You needed help, and when I offered to help, you accepted it. To be honest, Lux, when I saw you on top of that tower, I actually hesitated about helping you. Because I’ve been rejected so many times in the past — and you know how these ponies can hurt you with words — I was afraid I might be hurt again. But when you were about to make the jump, I knew I had to help you.”
I blinked. I was surprised, but I wasn’t angry at her. “So… you knew what I was up to?”
Twilight nodded. “Yes… but I didn’t want to take the direct approach because I didn’t want you to deny it…. So I pretended that I didn’t know what was happening at first. I’m… I’m sorry for lying about it. You have every right to be mad at me.” She lowered her head.
I put a hoof under her chin and lifted her face so that our eyes met once more. “Twilight,” I spoke softly, “you’ve never told me a lie. And, even if that does count as a lie, which I don’t, you did something that nopony has ever done before: you pulled me back from the brink, the end that seemed inevitable. You basically saved my life. And not just mine either, but the countless others who would have been affected by my death, particularly my family.” I raised a hoof to wipe a tear away. “You made this night unforgettable, Twilight, and even though the scars of what I went through will stay with me for a long time, you still made me realize that there’s more to life than just despair and pain. You showed me the light out of this misery. And, as for the snobs that rejected and hurt you, you told me to disregard such ponies yourself. I’m sorry you had to go through such experiences, Twilight. I do know how words can hurt. It’s okay to let it all—”
Twilight threw herself into my chest and began to cry, the painful memories from years ago resurfacing. I held her and began patting her back. “It’s okay, Twilight. Just let it all out…. Let it all go…. It’s okay….” Inwardly, I thanked Aurora for teaching me the tactic in the hospital.
As I held Twilight against my chest, continuing to pat her back, I thought about her and what had happened that night. She is just too kind, too innocent for her own good. I’m pretty sure a certain pony who genuinely believed in what others told him can testify to that. Speaking of which, I wonder how Twilight will relay the message to Princess Celestia. Nah, I’ll leave that up to her. She is a trustable friend, after all….
As I trailed off in my thoughts, I noticed that Twilight’s sobs were reduced to regular, soft breathing. I slowly lifted Twilight off my chest. Her eyes were closed, and her chest moved up and down in a peaceful pattern.
“I guess all that listening and crying took a toll on her. Come on, let me get you to bed….” I said as I levitated her with my magic and carried her inside. In the sky, the fireworks were coming to an end.
After tucking Twilight into bed and making sure she didn’t catch a cold by pulling the blanket over her, I walked back down to the library/research lab. The couch sat there, inviting me to sleep, but I didn’t lie down. I walked outside onto the balcony, and stared up at the Moon. The Moon shined above Canterlot, bathing everything in a pale blue glow. I sighed. Not a sad or depressed sigh. A happy, content one. After all those years, I was finally at peace with my own emotions.
Word got fast to the Princess. After hearing everything from Twilight, Princess Celestia decided that it would be best if I returned to Ponyville, to my family.
She wrote to my family, including enough detail for my parents to get a good picture of what was happening, yet not enough so that they would still have questions to ask me. And I agreed to all of this. Much easier than having to tell them the whole story. Plus, some of the things I had in mind would only work coming from me.
I was packing my things in my dorm room when the hoofheld mirror vibrated. I picked it up with my magic and answered it.
“Hello?”
“Lux, it’s your mom!” shouted mom from the mirror.
“And me too!” Aurora chimed in.
“Count me in!” added dad.
“We got Princess Celestia’s letter last night. We sent a reply that we understood everything and were okay with you dropping out… but Lux, why didn’t you tell us earlier?” asked mom, her tone implying that she was hurt, surprised, and sad by what I tried to do.
“Yeah, Lux, if you were worried with disappointing us, we told you not to worry about it,” added dad.
“It’s not that….” I murmured. A thought rose in my mind, but I quashed it.
“Then what is it, Lux?” asked mom.
“It’s just that…. Ugh….” I rubbed my face with a forehoof. I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
“Yes, dear? We’re listening.”
I hesitated, then decided to just wing it. “It’s just… I thought I couldn’t talk to you about it, because I thought you didn’t understand.”
An awkward silence followed for a few seconds. Then, mom said, “What do you mean, sweetie? What do you mean by ‘we didn’t understand’?”
“Mom, do you remember how you said that I should work harder after I screwed up my midterms?”
“Yes, dear, but what does this have to do with this?”
“Everything. After ending that call, when you told me to just work harder no matter what the situation was, I realized that you didn’t understand how the situation was going to Tartarus up here. And when I realized that, it combined with the ever-deteriorating mindset of mine to create an illusion. An illusion that told me that you wouldn’t — or couldn’t — care about my situation. And so for the next three months or so, I’ve kinda been on my own. Until New Year’s Eve, that is.”
Silence again.
“Look, mom, dad, Aurora, I’m sorry for not telling you this earlier. But, however stupid it may have been, I genuinely thought that nopony would care, that I was left alone again. In fact, all I needed to do was just call you and you would have listened to everything I had to say. So… I’m sorry about… everything. If I had just told you everything that day, maybe it didn’t have to come to this. Maybe things could have turned out better. I don’t know. All I know is that I didn’t tell my family about it, and now I regret it.”
“Lux, we all agreed that this isn’t your fault.” Mom’s voice was quivering now. “If it’s anypony’s fault, it should be ours. we pushed you too harshly, while thinking that you would be just a-okay all the time. We should have listened to you and not just stubbornly tell you to work harder. I had… I had no idea what you were going through, Lux…. I’m so sorry….” With that, mom once again broke into tears.
“Mom,” I said while trying my best to keep my voice steady, “it’s okay. It’s not your fault. I guess I had too high of an expectation and just pushed myself for it. It’s not like you knew what I was going through.”
“Yeah, well, maybe this could have all turned out better if we had communicated better….” Aurora added, her voice faltering.
“I’m certain it would have. Mom, please listen. I don’t see a point in regretting things that are already over. Such regrets will just make life harder, not unlike what happened to me, you know. So please, just leave the past as it is, and promise me that you’ll do your best in the future, as I’ll do mine.” My voice was trembling at this point as I struggled to hold the tears back.
Mom sniffled. “Yes, dear. Of course we should. We all should do our best in the future.”
“Well, look who’s becoming a grown-up now. I don’t think I’ll be able to catch Lux passing under my barrel for much longer,” said dad, also with a shaky voice.
“Dad, come on! Th-that was, like, years ago! Besides, I’m fifteen now. What do you expect? Oh, and I think— I think what I experienced gave me an extra mental growth spurt as well, hehe,” I replied as tears began streaming down my face.
I awaited the train to Ponyville at the train station. The castle was visible in the distance. I glanced at the station clock. Fifteen minutes until the train was scheduled to arrive. I sighed, and held the two luggage bags that sat by my side. Just then, I heard a loud ‘poof!’ as two ponies appeared right next to me. It was Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia.
I immediately bowed, and so did the other ponies in the station. It was very unusual for the Princess to come out in public without warning, and even more so when she was with her personal student.
“Rise, everypony. There’s no need to bow.” Princess Celestia spoke, and everypony rose from their bows. Then she turned to me. “Lux, Twilight Sparkle and I are here because we both had matters which we wanted to tell you in person. Personally, I would like to go first, but seeing Twilight’s state… I think it would be fit if I let Twilight speak first.”
It was at this point that I noticed that Twilight was once again on the verge of freaking out. Poor thing must be tensed up all the time, ready to break if anything more than she can handle comes in , I thought. I wonder what’s worrying her so much this time.
It didn't take long for me to figure out as Twilight began to speak at machine-gun speeds. “Lux! I know I’m the one who suggested it in the first place but I can’t believe it’s actually happening. You’re the only friend I’ve made ever since I came to Canterlot and it’s been only two days and now you’re going away, probably forever. What if we don’t get to see each other? And for how long? Months? Years? It could practically be forever! What would happen then? Will I lose the only friend I had? Will we just turn into nothing, living our lives as if nothing happened? What if….” On and on she went.
At this point, somepony was generous enough to give me a brown paper bag, to which I thanked him and gave it to Twilight. She snatched the bag out of my hoof and began breathing in it. The sight would have been very funny if it weren’t for the context of what Twilight had said and the presence of the Princess.
“Twilight,” I said as she seemed to be calming down a bit, “I can’t really promise when we’ll see each other. But remember this: there’s no way in Equestria that I’ll forget you. What you’ve done for me on New Year’s Eve changed my life, and it would take a very powerful spell to make me forget such a thing. If you want to keep in touch, though….” I digged through my saddlebag and pulled out a pencil and a piece of paper. I scribbled my name and address on the piece of paper and handed it to Twilight. “Feel free to send a mail to this address. Just… remember not to spam messages.” I smiled at her.
“I can?” asked Twilight, her eyes glinting with excitement.
“Sure. I mean, what’s not to with the two of us being friends?”
“Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!” And with that, Twilight pulled me into a tight bear hug.
“Mrmph! Twilight… you’re… breaking my… ribs….” I choked, and Twilight immediately let go.
“Oh! Sorry, sorry, heh.” Twilight apologized, a slight blush coming up to her cheeks.
“Right, right…. So we got that out of the way. I remember there being something else?” I questioned a little breathlessly, smacking my upper forelegs to get the blood flowing.
“Yes, there is. I would like to talk about your experience at the school,” said the Princess.
“Oh? Okay, um, what… what about it?” I said, fidgeting; I was still less-than-comfortable when it came to discussions like this. It made something… bubble inside me, like a steamer pot that was building up pressure and ready to burst.
“I would like to apologize to you on behalf of the school,” said Princess Celestia.
“I— what?” I stammered, unsure of what I had just heard.
“We, the faculty of the School of Magic, were supposed to teach you about magic, but they also had the obligation to make sure everyone was okay. We failed you in that task, and I, as the headmistress of the school, apologize to you, Lux.” With that, she bowed.
“I… uh, I…,” I stammered. I seriously did not know what to do, not when the Princess herself was apologizing to me. So I said, “Uh… I accept your apology, your highness?” while repeatedly facehoofing myself internally for saying it.
Princess Celestia rose and said, “Please, there’s no need with the formalities. This is not an official event, as you see. Anyways, as you can see, I’m terribly sorry about your experience. I hope you will be happier back in Ponyville with your family.”
“Thank you, your highness— wait, I mean— ugh, ponyfeathers!” I stuttered, then actually facehoofed out of embarrassment. Princess Celestia and Twilight just laughed while I could feel my cheeks burning bright red.
I wouldn’t have to say how grateful I was when the train pulled into the station.
After saying our final farewells and heaving the luggage onto the train, I sat by the windowsill, where I could see Twilight and Princess Celestia on the platform. Twilight waved her forehoof as a goodbye; I waved mine back, displaying a small smile as the train began to leave the station. As the platform and the two ponies shrank away out of view, I leaned back into my seat.
As the train rumbled through the countryside, I thought about the events that had happened during the past three days. From my anguish at the top of the tower to leaving the School of Magic, everything had happened so fast that it seemed like a blur.
I thought back to the night when Twilight and I had held onto each other for a long time out on the balcony. Up there, I found out that I wasn’t the only one who had been hurt. Twilight had also suffered from other ponies’ rejection and neglect, and had to hide that pain for years, while herself hid from others. While consoling her and listening to her story — nevermind the fact that it didn’t have a whole lot of details — did make me sad and depressed, it also gave me a sense of… fulfillment? It gave me a feeling that somehow told me that it was the right thing to do, and that I was helping others.
Maybe I should become a counselor, or a therapist, I thought. I honestly felt sort of happy, sort of fulfilled while on that balcony. Kind of weird considering that I also felt sad and depressed at the same time. I don’t know… I’m tired.
Absentmindedly scratching an itch in my left flank, I drifted off to sleep.
When the train arrived in Ponyville and I got off the carriage, I saw my family waiting on the platform. A moment later, a blur of fluorescent green and brilliant turquoise dashed towards me, tackling me to the ground.
“Aurora, I know you’re—” I started, trying to speak despite having my wind knocked out of me.
“You idiot! You big, dorky idiot!” Aurora screamed into my shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell us earlier? Why?” I could tell she was crying now.
“Aurora… can we talk after we’re off the ground, please? I know you’re glad to see me but… there are others around….” I said awkwardly.
"Okay...." She lifted her face, and soon got up on her hooves. Just as I got up on my hooves, however, I saw her staring at my flank as if it were the most mind-blowing thing in the world.
“What?” I asked as I turned to see if there was something stuck on my fur.
And then my jaw dropped.
On my left flank was a red heart with an eight-pointed sun emblazoned on it. I turned to check my right flank. There it was, the exact same symbol. My own cutie mark.
“Mom! Dad!” Aurora went screaming to my parents, not unlike how a filly would run to her parents to wail about a broken doll or something. Usually I would have been both amused and perplexed as to how her mood managed to shift so drastically, but I was too busy staring at my flanks to do that.
Suddenly I found myself getting swept up in hugs and kisses on the forehead and whatnot. Mom and dad had came over and was hugging me as if I were the most delicate, most precious thing in the world. They congratulated me over and over, even as we made our way out of the station and towards our home.
And during the entire trip, I couldn’t stop thinking, Only now? After all this time?
Still, I was happy, and when I got home, I began to write a letter to my only friend in Canterlot.
Dear Twilight,
You wouldn’t believe what just happened!
I got my cutie mark on the train! Yes, Twilight, on the train! Could you believe that?
It’s a red heart with a sun emblazoned on it. Considering that I was thinking that I might be a counselor or a therapist on the train, I think I finally found the path I should take!
I’m so happy that I got my cutie mark….
…and I can’t believe that you’re coming to Ponyville now! It’s been two months since we saw each other, and I couldn’t wait to see you again. I’ll be elated to see you!
I’ll see you when you get to Ponyville!
Best wishes
Lux S. Cognito
It had been five and a half years since I left Canterlot. I enrolled in psychology classes to become a therapist, and guess what? I aced the tests. I’m on my final stage to becoming a psychology counselor.
Sometimes I think back to my days at the School of Magic, and wonder if things would have been different if I had made just one or two decisions differently. I wonder what would have happened if I had told my parents what was going on. But I leave the past as it is, and prepare myself for what’s to come. For the future holds much brighter things, brighter than I had ever experienced in the past.
I’m drawing a new line in my life, a line that differs from the one I’ve previously drawn. It’s much smoother, much more graceful, much more peaceful. And at the start of the line stands a purple unicorn.
It’s time to go meet a friend.
THE END