I am afraid.
It wouldn’t make sense. I have guards to the left and right of me, and magic more powerful than any other creature alive. I have trained in the Royal Guard – I could defend myself even without magic.
Yet, I am still afraid.
I suppose I’m not afraid of another being. I think I am afraid of myself.
Of what I might do. If this goes on much longer, I don’t want to know what I might do to myself. I know what I’m capable of.
Of letting others – and myself – down. The expectations of the ponies are tough to meet, sure, but more… the expectations I hold on myself. What if I don’t meet them?
Of failing. There’s so many ponies that depend on me. I depend on myself to stay steady. What happens when I finally fall to weakness and can’t get up again?
Of hurting. The pain of fear burns me, every day. It scares me, every day.
Of going back to who I was. The monster I once turned into was… horrible. Horrible to others, and horrible to me.
In short, I think I may be afraid of myself.
How am I supposed to live like that? How am I supposed to live knowing, and all too aware, of the fact that I’m not good enough? That there’s a demon on the inside, growing stronger and stronger with every fail?
I don’t know.
Everypony has some sort of demon, I do believe that. Some greater, some not as great. I see them step forth in dreams. Night is the only time they get to take over.
I am Princess of the Night. What will happen to me, when demons prove to be too much?
My demons have joined once before. They created a pony so awful, she couldn’t even be considered a pony anymore. It took years for anypony to trust her again.
I have to wonder. Am I still that pony?
I like to think I have changed. I’m being listened to, and ponies trust me. Nightmare Moon was made of jealousy. That’s gone, and with it went she.
But Princess Luna still remains.
And she has fears.
Fears that can change a pony… for the worse.
These fears are like… scars. They’re always there. Always a reminder of not being good enough, or failure. There’s always a story, and sometimes those stories aren’t meant for foals. The scars are ripped open with every fear, again, and again, and again. Soon all that will be left is a bloody, shredded mess of a pony.
I fear Princess Luna. I fear myself. I know… I know, and I’ve seen who I can become. I felt the heartbreak, for years. All that broken trust, all those hatred stares… it was hard.
Perhaps Nightmare Moon is gone… but who’s to say Princess Luna can’t change again?
I’d never go there on purpose. I never want to go there, ever again. It’s just… I’m afraid of losing control. That when I finally let the hurt out, something will snap and another monster will spring forth, champing at the bit.
The tears fall from my eyes, even now. I can’t let anypony down; I can’t let anypony down! Can’t lose control… just… can’t.
The fears are too much. I can’t handle them anymore. They haunt me, bringing me down to nothing but ashes.
I don’t expect anypony to understand. Everypony’s fears and demons are different, and trying to understand somepony else’s is… madness.
I myself don’t clearly understand. I don’t understand why I can’t sleep. I don’t understand why fears wash over me, tugging me toward a sea without shore.
All I understand is that this can’t continue. I need to wake up one day to light, instead of dark.
My sister and even my guards are all trying to help. They see me with head down, mane disheveled, try to do something to help. They say they’ll understand, that it would be best to talk everything out. They say they’ll be there, listening, no matter what.
My sister, who banished me.
My guards, who betrayed me.
Lies are beautiful things, are they not? They’re like that black flower… dark and stunning, hurtful and shining.
No matter what they say, they aren’t going to understand. They won’t be the shoulder to cry on. They won’t sit there and hear me out. They certainly won’t be there for me, no matter what.
I may be the only one who can get me out of this mess.
I tell ponies that I’m okay. Everything’s great, I’m fine. Never mind that I skipped lunch… and dinner, the other day; I was just a bit busy. Don’t worry, I’ll eat a big meal tomorrow. The tears? Oh, I was eating something spicy – nothing to worry about. And then they’ll look at me in wonder. Wow, Princess! You’re so strong, so admirable. I’m sure it’s got to be tough, sometimes. If you ever need to talk… and then I wave them off, with my silver-toed hoof. No, no… I’m great. How’s your day been?
Lies. Beautiful, black roses, sprouting up and wrapping everything in their embrace.
In truth, I’m not okay. Not great, not fine, not okay. I’m falling, and there’s nopony there to catch me. I skip meals because I just don’t feel like eating. There’s no point, if I’m fading anyway. The tears are made of pain. Real tears that signal an end nearby.
I’m not strong. I’m not coping. I’m not okay.
I’m fading, fading fast. I can’t see myself anymore. Soon, I’ll be nothing but a shadow. Once there, and never really back.
My heart is dying slowly. The fire of fight, the peace of passion… it’s all trickling out. And I don’t know if I can get it back.
I feel like I’m drowning. The ocean of pain and fear is swallowing me, challenging me to one last battle. A battle that I can’t possibly win.
I always wanted to go out saving Equestria, or something. Now, it seems I’ll go out saving myself.
Author's Note
Obviously, I'm still not feeling that great. My anxiety is so, so hard... and getting worse with every attack. So, I threw myself into writing... this.
It was hard to write. Not because of the words, but because of the fear I had to give out.
Hey, at least I haven't killed her.
