Twilight Sparkle Leads a Global Existential Breakdown

So there they were. Pants. The destroyer of worlds. I had no idea my life was about to turn upside down. So that’s when I asked my second question.

“What are pants?” I asked. I was so naïve back then.

Lyra sighed again. That infuriating sigh. “They’re an article of clothing that humans wear. A lot actually.” She got that dreamy look in her eye, like she was a million miles away.

“Well what’s the big deal? We wear clothes too.” I said.

She looked at me, like she had come back down to Earth, and I was this foal who just didn’t get it. “Well yes, sometimes.” She said. “Like on special occasions, or when it’s really, really cold out, but we don’t do it like they do.”

I cocked my head. I really didn’t get it. Back then, anyway.

“What do they do? You can’t tell me humans where clothes all the time!” I laughed.

Lyra stared at me until I finished. “Well, duh! Of course they do!”

“But… why?”

“Well…” she blushed. I don’t think anypony had ever seen Lyra blush. Nothing gets to her. I’ve heard her casually talk about colts in front of the colts she was talking about. “Well…” she continued, “They wear clothes so no one else sees their… y’know… private parts.” She sort of ducked into her hooves at that point, embarrassed beyond belief.

I was blushing a little too. “But… doesn’t everyhuman else just… sort of not look? Like we do?” I asked.

She giggled. “It’s not ‘everyhuman,’ it’s just ‘everyone.’ ” She corrected. “And… well I don’t really know. They don’t even know themselves, because it just isn’t done. Everyone just walks around with clothes on.” She explained.

“But that’s such a hassle,” I frowned, “To put clothes on and off like that.”

That’s when Lyra said the most single devastating line in the history of my psyche.

“I guess they just don’t trust each other. I mean, you never know who’s looking…"

I left Lyra’s house that day thinking about what she had said. And I was scarred. Walking down the central road in Ponyville, I had my tail tucked so far between my legs, it was tickling my chin. I watched everypony. I think I saw Big Macintosh staring at my tail region.

Oh Celestia, I thought. Lyra was RIGHT! You can’t trust anyone… they could all be staring… trying to get a look at my… I wonder if the other girls know about this? I wonder if they do it too… Stare at stallions all day… Trying to get a look at… Oh Celestia, I’ve got to get home!

Yeah. I was pretty paranoid. And it didn’t get better.

Upon arriving at my library, I called Spike into the room, and, after diving behind my desk so he couldn’t look at me, asked him to send letters to my friends asking they come over that night.

“Do one for Lyra too!” I called as he was leaving, a very confused look on the baby dragon’s face. You know, in retrospect, I should have remembered that he was a baby dragon and wouldn’t even be interested in that anyway, let alone because we were different species.

A few hours later, six mares knocked on my door. Spike let them in. Naturally, I had expected the first question to be ‘Why did you call us,’ or ‘What’s wrong, Twilight,’ or even ‘Why is Lyra here,’ but it wasn’t.

“What in tarnation is on your flank, Twi?” Applejack asked. A bit of an odd question, but I’ll admit I did look a little… odd.

Spike shrugged. “She had me collect all our old bed sheets and aluminum foil for that contraption a few hours ago.”

Ok, it was more than a little odd. I had tried to fashion a rudimentary pair of pants out of old sheets. Once it had started falling down, I tried to make a new pair. Out of foil. Don’t look at me like that, it was all I could think of that would retain it’s shape! I don’t know why I didn’t take the first pair off before trying to make the second one. Before the girls had arrived, I was about to attempt a third go, only this time using some books and… anyway, back to the story.

After Spike’s reply, the girls were looking at me concernedly, save Rarity and Lyra. One looked devastated at my complete disregard for my image, and the other was bouncing with glee. You can probably figure out which was which.

“Well I had to do something! We’re all in terrible danger!” I yelled. A bit melodramatic, in retrospect.

They gasped. Understandable, since I had just grossly over exaggerated.

“What’s the matter, Twilight!?” Rainbow asked. “Another horde of Changelings?”

“Another message from the future?” Pinkie shouted.

“Discord’s free?!” Applejack exclaimed.

“A… dragon?” Fluttershy timidly offered.

“Canterlot’s run out of stock for embroidered fabrics?!” Rarity gasped.

Applejack gave her a small glare. “Rarity! Twilight wouldn’t call us for something as silly as your fancy frou-frou fabrics.”

Ouch. “That’s right, Applejack.” I said. “This is far more serious. We can’t trust anypony.”

I had paused there for dramatic effect. I don’t know why I bother. Rarity’s the only one that appreciates plot devices like that.

“With Lyra’s help, I have uncovered a plot. A plot to… well…” I blushed.

“Spit it out, sugarcube.” Applejack said reassuringly.

“What’s this all about, Lyra?” Dash asked. “You haven’t said anything so far.”

“I’m as confused as the rest of you.” She said. “I was just talking to Twilight about pants when she ran out my house.”

“Pants?” Rarity asked. “Who is Pants?”

“Interesting that you should ask, Rarity. You’re supposed to be the fashionista here.” Lyra said bluntly.

I cleared my throat. “Yes, well… pants are an article of clothing that… uh… foreign… ponies wear. Yeah.”

Rarity was suddenly intrigued, whereas Lyra looked at me closely, inspecting my eyes suspiciously. Applejack and Rainbow had started to look bored. Fluttershy was being quietly polite, and Pinkie was being… well, Pinkie. That being said, she probably knew I was lying, and just decided not to say anything.

“So, anyway, pants cover the tail and flank region, as well as some length of the hind legs, depending upon the length desired for reasons of fashion or climate.” I said, as if reading from a textbook. Celestia, do I really sound like that?

“Why would these foreign ponies wear something like that? It looks so complicated.” Rainbow protested.

“They wear it all the time.” Lyra said, jumping into my speech at this point. I suppose she was in her element. “Like Twilight said, there are different kinds of pants! Like pants for formal occasions, to go the beach in, to go to work in; those crazy humans even swim in pants!” She had a huge grin on her face.

Pinkie frowned. “Humans?”

I gulped. Until I could show them the staggering problem presented by our society’s dress, letting my friends know that this was based on a mythical species might have jeopardized their believing me. Just a little.

“Yeah.” I improvised. “The foreign… tribe… are called HUMAN’s. It’s short for… um… Hoof Under Muzzle At Night. The whole tribe is based on sleep patterns… haha… weird, right?” As you can see, this lie was going perfectly.

But they seemed to go with it. Eh. I suppose we’ve seen stranger things.

“So why do they wear these pants all the time?” Fluttershy finally spoke up.

I told them the same thing Lyra had told me.

“I guess they just don’t trust each other. I mean, you never know who’s looking…”

And I watched as their eyes grew wide and they spiraled down the same path of thoughts I had. I had just made my first successful conversions.

“Ah think ah saw that new fella, Doctor Whooves, starin’ at me durin’ market today!” Applejack hissed.

“I thought some of the guards were giving me strange looks when we were in Canterlot for the wedding!” Rarity whispered.

“When I was coming home today, the whole street was looking directly at my flank! I swear!” I declared. Though now I think about it, that was probably because I had my tail wrapped around me like a diaper. Whoops.

It had been about an hour since I broke the news to them about pants. We were currently sitting in a misshapen heptagon. I told the girls I would get out my protractor, and it would only take a minute, but they insisted that the form didn’t have to be perfect. Pfft. ‘Didn’t have to be perfect.’ Of course it did.

Anyway, even Fluttershy had volunteered a tale about the other day when she thought some of her animals had been looking at her tail extensions. I hadn’t yet told them about my earlier thoughts that some of them might have been ‘Peepers’ as they were now so named.

So yeah, an hour had passed. That’s when BonBon burst in.

“Lyra! Have you been here all night?” She demanded.

Lyra sighed and turned to face her, disturbing our heptagon further. “Yes, BonBon.”

“It was your turn to do the dishes. Stop messing with all this human stuff and come home!” She did in fact sound very cross. Lyra slumped her shoulders and trod out the front door without another word, like a reprimanded child.

I felt kinda bad for her. Now of course, I praise BonBon for putting a stop to what as going on. Thank Celestia she did. We were in the middle of planning some kidnap-ransom scheme that blackmailed and bribed all the right ponies into putting pants in the newspaper. It really wasn’t all that elaborate, but boy, Featherweight would have been up to his camera in trouble.

None of the rest of us really knew what to say to BonBon after that. I mean, what do you say to that? She had just told Lyra off, and I’m pretty sure Lyra was at least a year older.

Before everyone left, I assisted them in making foil pants. They were only temporary, until Rarity could whip us up some fashionable fabric pants, to Lyra’s specifications of course.

And so, events had started moving in their course. The very next day, we would take our first steps to destabilizing Equestria.

Ponyville was about to meet Pants.