The Enchanted Library: The Secret Chapters

by garatheauthor

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Narcotics, Romance
Length: 4010

Once there was a ghost writer, whose ideas were so profound, that they were not allowed to see the light of day. That is... until now.

Once upon a time there was a ghost writer, whose ideas were so revolutionary, that the dastardly sorcerer, Single Colour, banished her to wander the manual approval queue for the rest of her days. Thankfully, the ghost writer realized she could just get something else approved and she'd get auto-approval privileges. So, for the first time ever, enjoy The Enchanted Library: The Secret Chapters.

Written for Monochromatic's RariTwi Bomb. If you liked this fic, then you should check out Undome Tinwe's, he's dumby thicc but he writes good stuff, including this fic.

A spiritual spin-off to Celestia and Luna are Well-Adjusted Adults.

A parody written with the permission of Monochromatic, she's awesome and if you haven't checked her out, for some bizarre reason, do so.

Proofread by Undome Tinwe, the last of the Romans, Nova Quill/Firimil, my coolest mom, Rose Quill, my Lady from another fiefdom, and of course RoMS, the Napoleon IV of FimFic.

Cover Art by LilFunkMan, who very awesomely allowed me to fiddle with their art.

Published 2019-10-07 22:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-22 23:54:43 UTC

Chapter 1 - Why Twilight was really banished to the library

A cloud of smoke rose from the centre of Twilight’s library, wafting towards the ceiling in lazy little puffs of misty grey.

Yet, Twilight did not seem overly concerned by this development, choosing instead to glance over at the creature across from her.

“Do you mind passing that to me?” Twilight asked.

She was handed a glass vessel, crafted in a manner where a beaker-shaped chamber of water was connected to a long cylinder of glass and a small metallic bowl that contained a green and mystical herb.

Or as the foals called it, a bong.

Twilight pressed her lips against the cylinder and lit the herb, inhaling to fill the chamber with a slightly grey-ish vapour. She then removed the bowl of charred herb as the vapour was drawn right into her mouth and eagerly awaiting lungs.

She held onto this vapourish smoke for as long as she could, before coughing and releasing it into the library, sending up yet another cloud.

“Careful there,” Discord teased. “I’d hate to have to tell Celestia that I asphyxiated her favourite student.”

“You do that every other Tuesday, anyways,” Twilight said, smirking coyly.

“True, but I don’t exactly want her to know about our bedroom activities, either.”

Twilight chuckled; her voice left a little hoarse by the smoke. “Plus, I’m not really her student anymore.”

“Ah right,” Discord said, studying her. “You have wings now, you’re more of a junior associate these days.”

Twilight nodded and said nothing more, instead staring at her bookshelves with a half-lidded and slightly addled gaze. Her eyes were left reddened by the contents of the bong.

Discord reached over and snatched the vessel from her, enjoying his own little puff. And as he released his vapour, it crept towards the roof in the shape of a stampeding elephant.

“Nice trick,” Twilight said. “You’ll have to teach it to me someday.”

“I don’t think you could physically perform it, I’m afraid.”

“Why’s that?”

“It involves shaping and reshaping your lungs on the fly. Last time I tried that; it hadn’t gone so well for the pony involved.”

Twilight nodded before tapping a hoof against her chest. “Can I admit something to you Discord?”

“Of course, Twilight, dear. What else are friends for?”

“I kind of really hate the idea of being a princess.”

“Oh?” Discord cocked a brow. “And why’s that?”

“Like, I used to just be Celestia’s student and a part-time librarian. You know, spend my days either reading, working, or taking lessons from Celestia. Like sure, not the most rewarding life possible but still, it was nice and cozy, and honestly pretty easy. Now look at me, I have to attend meetings, and councils, and judge affairs of state.” She groaned. “It’s so freaking exhausting.”

Discord nodded, handing the bong back to Twilight who promptly took another massive rip, which she coughed out in her own, rather boring, cloud of vapour.

“Probably explains why you’ve been getting stoned a lot more lately.”

“Social anxiety is a bitch,” Twilight mumbled before glancing at Discord. “Thanks for bringing some weed, by the way.”

“Hey, any time.” Discord bit his lip. “Speaking of… do you have some bits to pay for it?”

Twilight winced. “Oh shit! Sorry, dude. I totally forgot to pick some up for tonight.” She grinned. “But you know I’m good for the money, right?”

Discord smiled a very unsure smile. “Yeah, yeah, totally. It’s just… you uh…”

“Uh, what?”

“Never paid me for any of the weed you’ve smoked,” he grumbled under his breath. “Like ever.”

“What was that?” Twilight asked, looking over at him with all the gravity and seriousness that a stoner could muster.

“Nothing, nothing, take another toke if you’d like. I think I’m good for the night.”

Twilight nodded and finished the bowl, cleaned the chamber, and slid the bong off to the side.

“But for real, dude,” Twilight said. “What I wouldn’t give to be able to take some time off, lounge in my library without commitments, and just veg with a good book or two.”

“And probably smoke a little pot.”

“I mean of course…” she said before wincing, “but uh… don’t tell Celestia that I’ve been smoking it, ok?”

Discord held up a defensive paw. “Your secret is safe with me. Neither Celestia, Luna, Cadance, or even Shining will ever have to find out that you’ve become quite the little stoner, dear.”

“Thanks, Discord, you’re a pretty great friend.”

Discord chuckled, shaking his head. “Don’t worry Twilight Stoner, I am well aware.” Soon a mischievous little smile formed on his muzzle. “In fact! I think I know of a way that you could enjoy some much-needed and completely commitment-free R&R.”

“Y-you do?” Twilight asked.

Discord nodded and snapped his talons, making Twilight’s eyes close as she fell into a deep slumber.

“When you wake up, you’ll be able to enjoy all the books you want,” he said before his voice dropped to a whisper. “And I can stop having my weed being used up by a little mooch who doesn’t pay her share.” He snorted. “Honestly, it sounds like a win-win to me.”

Twilight awoke and quickly cradled a hoof against her pulsating forehead. It ached with such violent intensity that she thought this was the end. This was how she was going to perish, waking up with the mother of all weed hangovers.

However, she was thankfully smart enough to not just succumb to her conditions. Hangovers may have been serious business but she knew how to treat them with ease.

First, she needed water and luckily there was a well just outside her library.

She got up, on shaky legs, and lumbered towards the exit. And just as she was about to reach it, she slammed into a solid wall.

“What the fuck,” she growled, rubbing her wounded snout.

As she looked up, she noticed the ripple of a magical barrier.

“What…” she repeated, placing her hoof against it.

The thin membrane of magic shimmered under her hoof.

That hadn’t been there yesterday.

No matter, she was a powerful alicorn and it wasn’t like this simple prank would hold her for long. She charged her horn and unleashed a barrage of magic. To her immediate dismay, this potent spell was taken in by the membrane, strengthening it as it took on a yellowish and gravely foreboding tinge.

Oh shit… this was chaos magic.

She scrambled back and towards her desk.

“Discord!” she screamed. “Get your ass out here, right this second!”

No response came.

As she reached the centre of her library, she noticed that a fresh tome had been left behind upon her desk. On it was the title, Balance of Payment.

“What the?”

Twilight opened it and the first page was littered with the phrase, this is your fault, written over and over again in a very angry looking and hastily scribbled red font. Clearly the author had some kind of grudge against her.

She grumbled under her breath and flipped to page two, and then three, and four. After the first page, the text was far neater, laying out how much weed she’d borrowed from Discord and what the monetary value of it was.

By the end of page sixty-nine, the last of the book, there was a grand total at the very bottom.

“How…”

How the fuck had she smoked over two thousand bits of Discord’s weed.

Author's Note

Discord/Ko-Fi/Patreon/Twitter

Chapter 4 - Twilight and Rarity discover that yes, ghost sex is possible

Rarity stumbled and tripped over her own hooves, gliding through the air briefly before falling against a nearby bookshelf. The structure rattled under the impact before a load of books fell off, careening straight for Rarity’s beautiful face.

So, this is how it ends, bludgeoned to death by a bukkake of literature…

A scream of terror was ripped from her lips, echoing through the library.

Yet, mere moments before a load of knowledge tarnished her complexion, her imminent demise was stopped cold as a lavender aura encased the books.

Well, nearly all the books.

Sadly, one made it through the magical netting and bonked her in the middle of her forehead before falling to the floor with a loud thud.

Rarity rubbed her temple as she watched Twilight’s magic shelve the books back into place. A moment later, the alicorn whipped around the corner, rushing straight for Rarity.

“Are you ok?” she yelped.

“Yes darling, I’m perfectly…”

Twilight picked up the book that had fallen on the floor and frantically began to search it for any damage.

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank the gods, you’re ok.”

Her face instantly paled and she looked up at Rarity before promptly shoving the offending book behind her back.

“Err… I mean? Are you ok, Rarity?”

She let out this wonderfully embarrassed chuckle.

Rarity sighed. “Yes dear, nothing more than a little goosebump, if anything.”

“That’s good to hear,” Twilight said, placing the book back where it belonged.

She then focused on Rarity, using her magic to caress her face and turn it from side to side.

“I don’t see any signs of a concussion,” she murmured. “Thankfully it was only a couple hundred pages. You’d be a goner if one of those encyclopedias hit you.”

Rarity snorted. “Would I now?”

“Without a doubt,” Twilight answered nonchalantly. “That’s how Moondancer died.”

“Err… Pardon?”

“Poor girl took a copy of Encyclopedia Equestria right to the back of her skull. She was gone before she even hit the ground.” Twilight let go of Rarity’s face and patted her on the top of the head. “Crying shame, it meant that I no longer had to share Celestia with anypony.” She blinked. “Err… I mean, it meant I no longer had someone to spend time with that was also tutoring under Celestia.”

“Of course,” Rarity muttered before something clicked. “Wait… did you just touch me with your magic?”

“Uh, yeah? Why?”

“I didn’t realize you could do that?”

Twilight smirked and gently ran a small imprint of telekinesis across Rarity’s cheek. It felt a little strange but at the same time, it was also oddly intimate. It might not have been a hoof, or a pair of lips, but it was still the tender touch of her lover.

How had Rarity never realized this before?

Her own magic wrapped around the little imprint, the two auras intermingling together, a duo of colours dancing around one another.

Twilight’s face brightened.

“Do you know what this means?” Rarity asked.

Twilight nodded. “I think so?”

“Twilight we can…”

“Finally have a means of holding onto one another,” Twilight whispered. “Like holding hooves.”

“We can have ghost sex!” Rarity blurted out at the exact same time.

The two of them deadpanned and looked one another in the face.

Rarity’s cheeks warmed. “I mean yes… we can… hold onto one another.”

“I’ve never had sex before,” Twilight whispered.

“No, no, no,” Rarity pleaded, waving her hoof. “Don’t think anything of my statement. I just… I uh… I had a momentary case of the vapours, nothing more.”

“I don’t even own a pottery wheel…”

“That’s perfectly fine, dar-” Rarity paused. “Uh… what?”

“Don’t you need one?”

“Why would you…”

“It was a plot in one of the books you lent me. I thought pottery wheels were very important to act of uh… fornicating.”

“Twilight, how are you this well-read but have no idea what sex is?”

“LOOK! Celestia said I would learn about it when I was older and well… by the time I grew up, we were at war with Discord and I didn’t exactly stock up on a whole lot of biology books!”

Rarity pursed her lips. “Well this simply will not do, darling. If you do not have the proper literature to educate yourself…” Her lips curled into a coy little smile. “Then I will simply have to teach you myself.”

“Rarity I hardly think that you’re a qualified teach-” Twilight stopped as she noticed Rarity’s brow inch upwards, realization dawning on her soon after. “Ohhhhh! You wanna like… do the… sex.”

“Yes dear,” Rarity chuckled. “I want to do the sex.”

“Then let’s… do that.”

“Let’s.”

Author's Note

Discord/Ko-Fi/Patreon/Twitter

Chapter 5 - Sometimes a sinkhole is actually a sinkhole

“Rarity, we’ve been at this for hours now,” Applejack said. “Maybe we should take a break and try again in the morning?”

Rarity shook her head, marking yet another tree with the Timberwolf’s claw. “I can feel it, Applejack. We’re getting close to finding Twilight’s library. I’m certain of it.”

“You figured out the whole sinkhole thing and I’m sure that we could find it tomorrow with a good night’s sleep and some fresh eyes. Lickity split.”

Rarity pursed her lips, surveying the sky. It was getting pretty close to morning, the stars starting to fade as the blackness of night slowly gave way to blue.

“How about one more sinkhole? If we don’t find anything there, then we can try again tomorrow night, hmm?”

Applejack looked around and let out a helpless sigh. “Fine. I know better than to try and convince you. Just don’t go complaining when you’re too tired tomorrow night.”

“Deal.”

Together, the two of them continued forward, marking trees as they pressed ever deeper into the seemingly endless Everfree. It took maybe another half an hour before they came upon the next ‘sinkhole’.

Rarity surveyed it for only a moment and was just about to leap in when Applejack held a hoof across her chest, stopping her.

“How about you let me go?” Applejack offered.

Rarity frowned and huffed in a very indignant but ladylike fashion. “Why?”

“Because you’ve been leading the charge all night, and I outta take my turn every once in a while. Plus, I don’t want you spraining your hoof or anything. They might not be sinkholes but they can still be a pretty nasty fall and your hindleg is only recently mended. Last thing either of us wants, is you needing to be hauled out of here on my back.”

Rarity bit her lip and looked at the hole, feeling the air gush into its seemingly endless gaping maw. A nice touch of authenticity by Discord.

“Fine,” she conceded. “You may take the lead on this one. Though if you do find the library, I demand the right to be the first one in.”

Applejack nodded, touching the tip of her hat. “Scouts’ honour.”

And with that, Applejack stepped back and took a deep breath.

“Here goes nothing,” she mumbled.

She bound forward and leapt high into the air before falling into the depression.

Except…

She kept falling and falling and falling, her screams growing fainter by the second.

Rarity stepped towards the edge and looked down, blinking in disbelief.

“Applejack,” she whispered. “You alright down there?”

SPLAT!

Author's Note

Discord/Ko-Fi/Patreon/Twitter

Chapter 6 - Twilight is a little out of touch with the modern world

Twilight opened her eyes, looked up at her hoof, and her heart skipped a beat.

Wait! Her heart just skipped a beat.

She inhaled sharply and felt her lungs expand, her chest rising and falling at an excitable pace. Oh, how strange of a sensation that was.

Everything was real. She could feel. Again! She could feel the touch of the wood against her back. She could feel the grit of the dust. She could feel… sticky?

She looked down at herself, seeing the splotches of black now coating her body. Likely, the result of the shattered ink well that remained at her side.

“I’m alive,” Twilight whispered before stumbling to her hooves.

Oh, how funny gravity felt after being denied it for so many centuries.

She took a tentative step, and then another. Each felt strange, sending a million sensations firing all at once. It almost bordered on the realm of overstimulation.

If walking felt strange, what would it feel like when she was finally able to be with Rarity?

Rarity?

The memory of that name made a bead of sweat form on her brow. It also triggered an explosion of foreign sensations, as the mere figment of a memory was enough to excite so many parts of her psyche and physical form. She wiped her brow and winced as she accidently got ink all over her complexion, but paid it no additional attention.

Twilight needed to find Rarity. She had to.

Was the curse broken?

Twilight cautiously approached the edge of her library, her eyes widening as she looked down the tunnel. All along the edges were papers, drawing, and notes from past companions she had enjoyed and loved.

There were hundreds? How long had her hiatus lasted?

She didn’t bother reading or examining any of them closely as she instead sprinted forward. The barrier did not stop her and for the first time ever she was free.

Almost immediately, she felt a familiar burn smolder in her chest as she puffed for breath.

Ah, just as out of shape as ever.

And yet, being reminded of that was exciting. She was mortal again, with a mortal’s stamina and resilience.

Still, she pressed herself, pushing harder than she had ever pushed herself before. Harder than when Shining had tried to train her, harder than when she had first tried to adapt to wings. She sprinted and sprinted, not slowing as she dove through the forest and approached the settlement on its edge.

She slowed to a canter but still burst into town, breathing in the richness of urban life. Oh, how she missed that smell, and the ability to smell in general. It was all so exciting!

The ponies she passed all stared at her in a mixture of shock, awe, and oddly even a few who seemed disgusted. Maybe they thought of her as an imposter, or a freak who somehow had both wings and a horn.

Thankfully, she spotted a pony she knew in the market square, sliding to a halt in front of Applejack’s fruit stand.

The farmer beamed at the sight of her. “Twilight!” She froze. “Er… what’s that on your face?”

Twilight stopped and cocked a brow before touching her cheek. As she withdrew it, she saw a nice amount of black now tarnishing her hoof.

“Oh yeah, sorry,” she said. “I spilled ink all over myself when I woke up. Must’ve been a little clumsy with my new hooves.” She waved one. “But look! I escaped.”

Applejack nodded. “Yeah… yeah, that’s great and all but like Twi…”

“Yes?”

“It’s literally all over your face.”

“What do you mean?”

Applejack sighed and scrubbed the brass plaque on her wagon to a shine, allowing Twilight to lean in and see that her face was totally covered in black ink.

Before either of them spoke, a panicked gasp hit from the side. “Twilight!”

Twilight turned and beamed again. “Oh, hey Fluttershy!”

When she saw the pegasus, it was not the kindly mare she remembered but a sneering ball of pink and yellow.

Twilight winced. “Fluttershy?”

“You have a lot of nerve walking into town looking like that! I know that you haven’t been around too many ponies for like a thousand years, but it’s the year 1020, and ponies don’t go around doing blackface anymore.”

Twilight blinked. “What?”

Applejack nodded sadly. “She’s right, Sugarcube. What would Zecora say if she saw you like this?”

A deep chuckle rolled in from the side and the zebra herself appeared.

“It is obviously a misunderstanding,” Zecora said. “She’s very sure Twilight didn’t mean to be offending.”

Fluttershy whipped around and shushed her. “Zecora, hun, the woke ponies are trying to defend you.”

Zecora blinked. “I do not need defense, for Twilight meant no offense.”

Applejack shook her head. “Leave her be Fluttershy, she doesn’t understand the intricacies of modern identity politics.”

“What’s… going on?” Twilight asked.

Zecora shrugged.

“Twilight!” A new voice called. A very familiar voice. One which she had longed to hear with her real ears.

She turned and smiled. “Rarity!”

She saw horror in Rarity’s face, as the unicorn skidded to a halt.

“Oh, no,” Rarity murmured.

Twilight frowned. “Oh, no?”

“I can’t believe this,” Rarity whispered before dramatically placing the back of her hoof to her forehead. “I waited all this time, only to discover that you’re problematic. I’m sorry dearest but…” She turned away in disgust. “I must now cancel you.”

Author's Note

I couldn't let this series languish forever.

Discord/Ko-Fi/Patreon/Twitter

Chapter 2 - Rarity gets jaundice

“Well, well, well, I think it’s about time that we ended this little charade,” Rarity teased, stepping menacingly towards Twilight.

Twilight looked over, noticing that Rarity bore a rather sinister smoulder and was looking at her with very yellow eyes.

She quivered. “Holy fuck…”

“Yes, darling, I…”

“Have jaundice!” Twilight yelped, leaping to her hooves and gripping Rarity’s head in her magic. She used her leverage to study Rarity’s face closely, trying to discern how far the disease had come. “Have you been vomiting? Have you experienced any weight loss? Quick! What colour has your pee been?”

Rarity hissed and batted away at Twilight. “No, you idiot, I’m Discord.”

Twilight let go. “Ohhhhh…” She then stepped back slowly and tilted her head to the side. “Wait you’re Discord?”

Rarity chuckled, letting out a low rumble of amusement. “Why of course, dear.” Her voice began to deepen to a more masculine tone. “Have you not noticed all the context clues I’ve left behind?”

“Not… really? Wait, you left clues?”

“Twilight, darling, my dude, have you never noticed that Rarity is an anagram for Discord.”

“Huh… now that you mention it…WAIT! No, it isn’t, that doesn’t make any sense.”

Rarity threw back her head and bellowed laughter. “Neither does chaos, darling.”

Author's Note

Discord/Ko-Fi/Patreon/Twitter

Chapter 3 - Fluttershy falls victim to forced pop culture references

A smouldering crater sat in the middle of Ponyville, the flicker of a few lingering flames scorching the grass around it. Discord laid in the middle, crumpled from the sheer impact of the final blow for this cataclysmic struggle.

Was he unconscious or dead, nopony knew?

Rarity, Twilight, and their friends approached carefully, their hooves crunching the glass created from the superheated nature of Twilight’s spell. The alicorn looked frayed and exhausted, yet she struggled forward, determination burning in her one remaining eye.

“Discord!” she called out, scorn dripping from her voice.

The battered body chuckled, its voice sounding hollow and wet with injury, “Do you really think you bested me that easily, Princess?”

Twilight nodded resolutely. “I know I have. Your magic is drained, your body is broken, and now all I need to do is cast you away, as I should’ve eons ago.”

“Now, now, now, you should know that every villain always has one last trick up their sleeve.”

“That’s a lie,” Applejack drawled. “You’re all out of trickery.”

“Is that what you honestly think?” A smile appeared on Discord’s lips. “I can safely assure you, this one will be quite… marvelous.”

He gingerly lifted his talons, or what remained of them, and snapped together the last two functional digits he possessed.

Nothing happened.

Another moment went by, and yet the status quo persisted.

Rarity looked left, then right, but to her not one thing had changed.

Twilight snorted. “Some trick.”

“It’s a doozy.” Discord chuckled. “I swear.”

Twilight’s horn began to crackle as she channelled a millennium of less than kind emotions into this, her final victory.

Fluttershy whimpered. “Rarity…”

“What is it dear?” Rarity asked. “We’re kinda…”

“I don’t feel so good.”

Rarity looked over her shoulder, her eyes widening. Fluttershy appeared to atomize before her very eyes, turning slowly to dust, her essence drifting away upon the wind. Within a moment, her beloved friend collapsed to the ground before evaporating to nothingness.

Discord snorted and cough, hacking up blood. “God, I love pop culture references.”

Author's Note

Discord/Ko-Fi/Patreon/Twitter