‘Augh… what.. What happened? Where’s.’
These were my first coherent thoughts as I slowly came too. My mind was a mess and I felt like I had just gotten off of the biggest headache known to pony. Shaking my head and taste my lips, I look around me only to find nothing. Well to be more specific and less suspenseful; nothing but plain white. I look around my bearings a bit more to find even more empty white background, now I am fully alert and active.
I look around at all physically possible angles to only come to very much the same dreadful whiteness. I try to stand up from a prone position with a grunt of effort. Wait…
‘I can feel my legs!’ I thought as I try to move or.. “Think” of leg movement. Ok I am slowly getting scared now. This is not a normal feeling of numbness or sleepy legs. It's almost as if I don’t have any legs on my body. Just as I begin to hyperventilate on that possibility, I slowly tried to bring a hoof to my forehead to see if I have those. Only to find that I can’t feel them either. To my surprise, I do not have them either.
‘Ok what is going on?! Wh-Where am I?!’ I have a panicked thought as I begin to realize I have no hooves on my body. I tried other movements as well or imagined feeling of those movements. Tried to twist my body to not feel any nerve responses, tried to move my neck to see if I can feel anything. No dice either. I tried to speak but I don’t have a mouth. I can’t feel the tingles of my spit glands, the movement of my tongue, the chattering of my molars, the feeling of swallowing or the pulses of the throat muscles. Not even the feel of vocal cords in my throat so definitely no speech.
‘Am I body-less?! What is happening?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?’
As the fear inducing thoughts crept into my mind I start to lose my consciness. I wanted to vomit yet I have no mouth to vomit from. I wanted to scream yet I have no vocal cords. Hell, I wanted to shit myself just for some type of sensory output… Not even a fart of feeling. All of this is happening yet in my mind I feel the actions of nervousness and extreme anxiety.
White was all I can see. Even if I tried to look down at the floor or sky I am just met with endless, dreadful white. No wind in this field but I wouldn’t know since I can’t feel anything at all. Never have I ever thought of not being able to feel anything in my life would be this scary or insane or flat out inconvenient. I try to use magic but remembering how it feels in my head when I cast any defense spell. I may not be able to feel the surge of magic but I should be able to have enough consciousness to know the kind of spell I want to cast. A simple construction spell to make a physical object in front of me should suffice. I concentrate with all of mind to the familiar feeling to only find no object in front of my face much to my frustration.
Dammit! Ok Shining Armor! THINK! You have been in deeper pinches than this! Like that time Cadence found me in Twilight’s..’ I stop that thought as I begin to think about the important thing I think about in my darkest times: My wife!
‘Oh man I wonder how I am gonna explain this one to Cadence’ I thought with amusement.
‘I bet she would flip her tail at the lost of my hunky body’ I thought with an imagined giggle. I begin to think about Cadance and my little girl, Flurry Heart. I wonder where they are right now and how they are doing. The thoughts and memories of my family is enough to renew my conviction once again into solving the mystery of the whiteness and my lack of feeling.
I continued to try casting spells mentally as I fail each and every time. Not an iota of progress but I persevered relentlessly. From time to time between my efforts at spell casting, I see no changes in the white background. Nothing noticeable to me. This continued for about 25 or 30 plus times till I slowly forgot in my memory. I am now left with more despair than I originally had.
I go back to thinking about Cadence and my family. I think about how I met her and all the good times as I now see my demise is to last in this Celestia forsaken place. I go to the memory that warms my heart the most: When we defeated the Changeling Queen.
‘Cadence was so sad when that happened. I felt the pain all the time Chrysalis took over my mind. I remember the tears I shed every time she tortured her in front of my non-responsive face. I was proud of Twilight when she saved not only us, but the whole kingdom by bringing us together. Hehe.. My sister should have joined the knights instead of being a nerd. Ah man welp! These are gonna get me through the thick of things. They are all I have left; my memories.’
*SLASH*
Suddenly I hear a slash sound. Wait… I heard a SOUND! So I do have ears? I look around to find white as I begin to think about that sound again. Maybe I was just imagining it?
“No..You weren’t”
‘WHAT THE FUCK!!’
I look to find a mare in front of me. She looks straight at me with eyes that has the sun in them. The cartoon-y drawn suns that sparkle with a slight rotation. I try to scream again at her only to remember no sound would come out of my would be mouth. I want her to understand me.
The mare’s appearance is very odd yet majestic. She didn’t have any features that made her look like a normal pony. No mouth line, not snout, nothing! Almost as if she is the outline of a mare but not a being of a mare. She does however have a rather unique characteristic: Her eyes have suns in them. More accurately, the sun symbols seen in Canterlot for Celestia’s banner.
“I understand you, Shining Armor” The mare says to me in a calm, piano voice. So soft and sweet that my mind is put to a hazy rest.
‘You can understand me? Can you help me? Where am I? Where is my body? And why is there so MUCH WHITE!!?’ I thought
The mare with suns in her eyes looks at me with understanding. She begins to move her lips in response.
“Fear not Shining Armor. You are safe and will be taken care of. The ‘body’ you speak of is already here and this place… is easier to show you than tell you.” The mare said as the white around her morphed into different colors. I look shocked as the colors begin to form a ground at her feet and it slowly centered towards my bottom. As the colors passed by the area my conscious mind is located, I felt heat underneath my hooves.
“I can feel my hooves? I CAN FEEL MY HOOVES! I can speAK!” I said in different pitches to see if I was dreaming. I pranced around on my hooves and did leg dances. I rolled on my back like a dog, stretching my back and doing poses. I curled my tongue and placed it on my snout to see the tip of it and my snout. I felt myself smile as I looked forward at the mysterious mare. She looked back. I blushed as I realized she saw all that.
“Ahehe… Sorry for that” I said in an embarrassed voice.
“Don’t worry Shining Armor. It's perfectly normal” She said kindly.
I begin to walk towards her as the road of light guided our way. The mare seems to go further away the more I walked towards her. I think she was pranking me but I too awestruck to ask anyway. The once only white background is now a mirage of colors and roads. I tried to touch the discolored area off the side of the color road. I picked up my hoof to try to feel it only to have it not touch anything in the discolored area.
“Careful Shining Armor. That there is total emptiness. Nothing exists off the color road. Goes without saying, but don’t fall off or you will not exist anymore” The mare sternly warns me as I nod my head and kept following her. We walk for what felt like 20 minutes in aimless silence on this continuous road. More and more I find myself wondering just what everything is and who this mare is as well. Thinking back on my situation critically, how is it possible to walk on solid light without a casting of magic? Why was it that I only had a conscious mind but no body? Why was it as soon as I begin to remember my loved ones that I was able to quickly remember myself? Questions built on top of questionsslowly led me to distrust this mare with the sun in her eyes. Things in this… field began to change as soon as she wanted to lead my way. How can that not be a red flag for suspicion?
I stopped myself as I looked at her with curious eyes as I examined her anything off. She looked back at me and was showing signs of curiosity as well.
“What ills your mind Shining Armor?” She says in a motherly tongue.
I stopped to think of an appropriate response. How can any normal response work in a very abnormal situation? I know that speaking as a trained royal guard captain won’t be wise and talking to her in a normal tone would do scarce as well. I think of my words carefully as I begin to open my lips.
“I am sorry to have stopped abruptly. However I need to ask you a serious question since I think you are familiar with this place: Is this Equestria?” I said with the best tone I can muster: A pony who is afraid and tense.
The mare looks at me as if I was joking. A few seconds of giggles stopped as she looked at me like a jester in an old fashioned court. She looked at me with a surprised frown as she soon realized that I was very serious.
“You… do not know of your current whereabouts?” She asked in a whisper.
“No I do not. I-if this is a prank that Cadance and Twilight has set up than it isn’t funny anymore!” I said a bit loud and rash. I flared up my horn as I prepare to defend myself if this was an enemy in anyway.
“Please Shining Armor. Calm your magic and I will clear you this confusion” The mare said in a calm tone.
“No I very much would like my magic on preheat thank you. No please explain what is going on” I said in a shaky voice.
“...ok. I believe showing you would be much more effective” The mare with suns in her eyes said as she began to stand on her hindlegs and neighs loudly into the air. I noticed nothing happening to me or in the scenery as she began to yell. I watched with deadlocked eyes for any moves of retaliation or threat as this continued in a crescendo pitch. Louder and louder the yell became as I feel the road shift and vibrate. I look down at it to see no visual changes but the vibration continued, adding to the uncanny experience of this place. I look back at the mare to see that she has slowly brought herself down to her legs as the yelling stopped.
I noticed nothing new in the scenery as I looked around to my left. Then I looked to my back. Then I look to the right as something different appeared before me. I see another road. I shake my head as roads begin to rapidly begin to appear before me. They twist and shift all around each other, coming into the view as if they were changing opacity. Slowly I see these roads intertwine into the unknown straight path ahead of me. I look shocked as I look all around my view point of these paths and my lack of concentration took the magic from my horn. I look at the roads on my left, my right, my back, above, below, and at all angles. Different colors makes these roads as well.
“What.. what” I said as I calmly walked toward the mare. The mare with sun in her eyes smiled as she pointed with a hoof to a distance light road to my right. I follow her gaze and looked. I didn’t see anything at first, but upon closer inspection… I see the makings of a pony.
A pony.
I am not alone or insane.
“HEY!! Can you see me!!!” I screamed waving my hooves in the air.
I tried to yell out to the pony but nothing happened. Not even with my physical efforts. I tried several times but not dice each time. What is going on here? Left with my questions than answers, I turn to the mare with magic in my horn once again.
“What is the meaning of this!” I demanded to know.
“Every road is a path that leads to a greater journey Shining Armor. Each path can lead to a new beginning from a once irredeemable end. All magic, all beings of flight, all creeping things are met with choices and those choices beget more. All forks in the roads intercept and break apart as time changes all things leading to salvation and achievement. We are never lost per say, but we are without direction. Kingdoms and cults all have beginnings and ends as well as beings of flesh and blood. This is the ending to a new beginning Shining Armor. This is Marlaka… The afterlife those with choices.” The mare concluded.
My mind was now a scrambled mess. This… was death? I am..
“What the hell do you mean I am dead..?” I said as I grew weak in the knees. I looked around as more ponies visped into existence as they all walked into the infinite path. I can’t believe it; I died. Oh my daughter please forgive me. I looked at the mare with sun in her eyes as she looked at me sympathetically. I see her come closer to me as she places a hoof on my shoulder.
“Not in our world but.. In the terms of yours then you can say that Shining Armor. This place has been called many things from Heaven, Nirvana, and Valhalla. Even Marlaka is just a name for this realm. However I believe giving it a label is just pigeon-holing.” The mare said softly as I continue to look at the road. My mind is still breaking from the reality of my situation.
“Each pony here has ascended to this plain with a greater ambition and noble deed in mind. So don’t feel lost Shining Armor. This is your beginning” The mare said as she walked back up.
I can’t be dead. No way can I be died. What about Cadance? What about Flurry Heart? No not Flurry my little girl. No please no..
I quickly ran up to the mare with sun in her eyes as I begin to plead to her.
“Please say that your fucking JOKING!!!” I said as I grabbed her by her hindlegs to get her to stop.
“No! NO I can’t be dead! I didn’t do anything to die for! There is no way I can be dead!!! I was home with my wife and my daughter.. YES! ASK MY FAMILY! THEY’LL…” I said as I weeped madly as I begged and pleaded for her to send me back home or for prove of my death.
The mare looked at me sadly as she shakes her head.
“It is futile Shining Armor. Even if we see your family it-” She is cut off as I lunged on her.
“ShUT UP! SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING! You ARE WORKING FOR TIREK!!! THAT BITCH CHRYSALIS!” I said as I begin to charge up a spell in her face.
Mare with sun in her eyes looks indifferent to the charging beam on my head. She looks at me with no real worry or concern about the assured destruction I can deliver to her. When an enemy of mine looks at me with these eyes, then I know I had no real power over them and me flashing my magic is just isn’t gonna affect her. After all, this mare made a whole freaking field out of colors. My mind went back into a fragile and timid state after I learn I had no real power over this being. My eyes welled up with tears as the trepidation of the possibility I am deceased risened.
“My LIFE DID NOT END! TAKE ME TO MY FAMILY!! NOW” I pleaded as she looks at my horn with no emotion whatsoever.
“..if you wish then don’t say I didn’t warn you” The mare said as she begins to shake her hoof.
Around me the scenery began to change as the roads and colors disappeared into structures that looks like a cathedral. An interior related to Canterlot castle. I look around to see the stained glass in the window. Chairs set up in choir manor position. The long foyer that has two brazen doors that only the strongest of guards can push and pull. This was Canterlot castle. However the scenery is different. Ominously different. The banners were there yet they are covered with new ones with.. My cutie mark. I look confused as the signs are all in a gothic script kind of writing; Only usable during..
“A funeral?” I said as I looked around more and slowly begin to see a pony wearing black. That pony was dressed in a tuxedo with a top hat on and from the looks of his or her back, their main was a deep blue. I got a little closer for a better look only to see the pony take off their hat out of respect of the funeral. When I saw the pony up close… It.. It can’t be.
“Dad?” I said in a whisper.
Right then as I uttered that, one by one ponies began to appear in front of me. All of my loved ones are before me and ponies I never met. I began to hyperventilate as more and more ponies begin to appear. I feel new tears streaking my face as I saw my mother and my old school friends appear in all black armor. I look to the left to see all of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and their families there in all black. I look around me and I found the wonderbolts. I look around hysterically until I see the Elements of Harmony sitting in front. Applejack was wearing a black stetson and dress, Rarity was wearing a Victorian era dress in black with a stylish hat and black eyeliner. Pinkie and Rainbow are sporting simple black dresses. Fluttershy was hugging Discord as she cried into his chest. I turn my gaze up to see the first nail in the coffin as Twilight stands over a dead body. Magic clear on her horn as she lays down flowers on the open casket. I step closer to try to her to see what is happening and why all of our loved ones are gathered here. I start taking the steps leading to the casket. My heart drums in my chest a dark and heavy rhythm as the suspense and atmosphere starts to get to me.
One Step. I look at my sister and then to rest of the room again to verify my findings.
Two Step. I see Discord looking at Fluttershy worryingly and brought her face up so he can place his forehead on hers
Three Step. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are crying in a group hug.
Final Step. As I neared the casket and my sister. I took a look inside. The painful sight that was inside.
I truly am dead.
“Twilight… please can you hear me? Its your BBFFF” I said with a painful smile and tears as I am disbelief. The salty tinge of the tears in eyes helped the blurring of my vision as I continued to look at my sister besides a coffin.
“Come on twi… come on stop playing. You can hear me..” I said while tears fell from my eyes as I tried to hug her only for it not to happen. I took my hoof and tried to place it on Twilight’s shoulder only for it to turn into mist and reassemble itself when the rest of my arm is away from Twilight. I stopped trying knowing that if I did it more, I would lose what little sanity I have left. I look at Twilight to see that she was a wreck: Her eyes are bloodshot and swollen, her snout crusted with snot, her dress was disheveled and wrinkled, and her hair was… all over the place.
I step back to examine this farce. No Celestia there is no way I am dead and gone… No please no. I fell to my knees for the 10th time today and weeped. I cried into the ground as this reality becomes believable in my mind.
“..dearly beloved..”
I look up to that voice. I couldn’t believe it as the sound was all too familiar. I look up past Twilight to see the two ponies I didn’t want to see in this image. The two final nails in the coffin to my sanity. My two stars from heaven.
Cadence and Flurry.
“These were the words that forever linked our love by an eternal chain. The words Shining and I exchanged that day would be the most purest form of love known to all ponykind. Said love gave life to our beautiful daughter Flurry Heart and the love that saved our kingdom” Cadance said as tears streaked her face and Flurry was crying loudly in her arm. My heart couldn’t take this… No please.
“Stop! This is a joke! It has to be a dream.” I said as I looked around.
“Mare! This isn’t real! This is not real!!! I am not dead” I screamed
“Shining Armor was more than my shield and my love. He was my eternal and my light. Now..” Cadence sniffles into a breakdown. Family members came up to her and offered her some reassurance and strength. I am stuck sitting her watching everything without being able to physically interfere with the proceedings. I punch the ground in frustration as this couldn’t be real.. It can’t be!
But what if it is?
What if my death is already here and I have been rejecting the possibility because of memories?
“Shining.. If you can hear us” Cadence’s voice said as it reached me. I looked up and all of the soul crushing pain truth was laid out bare.
“I love you and please…” Cadence starts
“No Cadence! NO DON’T SAY IT PLEASE! YOU ARE ALL I HAVE LEFT THAT KEEPS ME HERE PLEASE DON’T SAY IT!!” I pleaded as didn’t want to believe the nightmare. No gods not this fate. I frantically look around for the mare with the sun in her eyes.
“MARE STOP! WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME!!? Cadence!? CADENCE! I AM RIGHT HERE. FLURRY DADDY’S HERE!”
I ran straight to my family with all of my strength. I ran as fast as I could just to be next to them and tell them I am alright. However.. I tripped and fell onto the carpet as I looked up just in time for Cadence to say the final words.
“..rest in peace”
Just like that the image breaks away in a fractured crack. Slowly the roads re-emerged and the color comes back to normal. I laid there broken and in tears as the sight of my wife and daughter ebbs in my mind. The truth was so intense that I can feel the aches of their sadness and the tension of their anger welling up in my throat as I released a mighty roar. A roar of anguish and loss of my own as all of the memories came flooding back to me.
I remember doing my guards patrol shift because he was out sick. I went down to the third sector of the Crystal Empire for signs of unusual conduct. I remember walking and catching 3 kids stealing from the local bakery. I stopped them and questioned them as to why they were stealing. Mid-way into the questioning I noticed the smell of sulfur and noticed the bakery was catching fire. I told them to run but they stood still and looked at the bakery with fear in their eyes. It didn’t took a deaf man to know that something was off about the bakery and then I heard a scream. My eyes widen as I told them to get out of there and I jumped inside the bakery. The kid was stuck in the floor level pantry and helped him get out. The smell was so intense that I knew the whole thing was gonna blow in a second. Not enough time to cast a teleportation or defense spell so the only thing I could have done was grab the colt and throw him as soon as the explosion happened. The force was enough to push me and him out but a long shard of glass stabbed me through my chest and the blood was oozing out. Last I remember… I saw the colt run away from the danger.
Ah man.. So I did like a hero huh? I wonder what that colt would think now that I am in this state. I sure hope that Cadence and Flurry heart would be proud of me now that I know I was the reason the colt survived in the end. I begin to remember the speech my old drill sergeant told me when I picked up the Canterlot crest. I specifically remember the “Hell is for the true cowards and heaven is for the true heroes.” I giggled as I remember him also being drunk that day when he was teaching us the oaths. I look in front of me again with clear eyes full of acceptance. I am still scared that this is now my reality but I must accept that life can only be lived by the actions we make. These actions are very costly but they pay off in unexpected ways. A stock broker makes a million bits by spending his rent bits in the market for example. A soldier dying for the right thing of the universal morals goes to.. Here.
I stand up as the mare with the sun in her eyes looks at me.
“Are you ready to start the journey Shining Armor?” She said with the same motherly tone again.
I look at her and remember all the images of Cadence and Flurry heart, friends, family and acquaintances I have come to appreciate in my mortal life as I make up my mind. I love you Cadence and everyone. I’ll be sure to do my best with my now duty here in the infinite.
“Yes… I think I am ready” I said the mare with the sun in her eyes as I walked into the infinity (A/N. Skip to 5:06 for the abstract experience in the story telling at this point).
As we begin to walk, the paths all begin to light up in a mirage of color. All the emotions of the color wheel begin to spiral into each other as each color begins to build into an image. The experience is so astral that to describe it in words would be folly. Only the ascended can witness this beauty in its clarity. All of the colors start to vibrate and move in different patterns: Zigzags, W shapes, criss-cross lines all the while changing in color. I continue to look as the colors all made an image of a mare we all know. A mare that is our own guiding light. A mare singing with the universe as she guides us to a haven so pure and rich. A mare.. That has the pink and white mane but could changes with the colors. A mare we all loved. A mare… with the sun in her eyes. The one.. that leads me to infinity.
Author's Note
I have been in a darkened mood for these past months. I have been depressed as the one who i made this for has passed from our little world.
The time to mourn is over and a temporary dark age of content for the darkest month of them all shall befall my library. This was just a means to give myself hope, but now to make stories that talk about the real and gritty.
The Mad Mare's ramblings collection... shall begin.