A mane fit for a princess
Princess Celestia and Luna were all packed and ready to go that morning. The two retired princesses had packed all their stuff into boxes, which were already on their way to their retirement home by express flying chariot. Celestia and Luna each carried matching hoof-baggage, and were wearing matching Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses.
“Ahh…retirement!” Celestia waltzed across the now empty royal bedroom. “Oh how I look forward to long afternoons basking in the sun, sipping lemonade…not a care in the world…”
“More like getting laid,” Luna grumbled. She was slouching against the wall where the bed used to be. “Do you know how hard it’s been being celibate for 1000 years?”
Celestia turned to Twilight. “You do know the importance of celibacy during your reign?”
“I do.” At first Twilight thought celibacy was a little extreme, but after discussing with Celestia and Luna, it made sense. To be involved in a romantic relationship with somepony would complicate political relations, and lead to potential bias. Celestia and Luna had explained this very clearly to Twilight.
“Will you be able to handle it, Twilight?”
“Of course,” Twilight reassured Princess Luna. “I did date a few stallions during my teenage years in Canterlot, and Ponyville, but I never found through romance the intellectual stimulation that I crave the most on a daily basis. In any case, it’s a small sacrifice I have to make in order to be the best ruler for Equestria that I can be.”
“That’s the spirit,” Celestia said, patting her former student’s shoulder.
“That too,” Luna cut in.
“Excuse me?” Celestia asked.
“Spirit. Do they serve Applejack Daniel’s at the bar?” Luna examined the brochure. “I’m going to get wasted when we get there tonight. Wasted as—”
“Princess Luna!” Twilight teased.
“Please, Twilight, your coronation was yesterday. You are the ruler of Equestria now. Just call us Celestia and Luna.”
“Of course, Pri—I mean, Celestia.”
Celestia walked out to the balcony of the royal suite. Twilight followed behind. “Twilight, before we leave…there’s just one more very important part of being ruler of Equestria that we must teach you.” Luna nodded in agreement.
“What’s that?”
Celestia led Twilight to the lowest floor of the castle. They walked through the cobblestone hallways, some spots so low that Celestia had to lower her head slightly to prevent her horn from scraping against the ceiling.
They entered a secret room, concealed by a bookcase, and only accessible by a secret code entry, followed by an obscure magic spell that Celestia had taught Twilight a few days ago without telling her what it was for.
Twilight looked up at Celestia’s regal mane, waving as if there were an invisible breeze. “So, Pri—I mean, Celestia…are you going to tell me the secret now?” Twilight was excited to finally learn the secret to that signature wavy mane and tail—she always figured it was some obscure magical spell. Or perhaps a magical hair potion that had to be applied every morning.
“Yes, Twilight. You do understand this is top secret? And that you must let know nopony know the secret to the alicorn mane?”
Twilight turned serious. “Yes, Celestia.”
Celestia was serious as well. “Good. But first…did you give Luna your measurements for your coronation gown and headpiece last Sunday?”
“Yes, Celestia.” Twilight was a little confused why Luna wanted her measurements—Rarity was in charge or her coronation gown. Luna spent most of the days before Twilight’s coronation reading tawdry beach romance novels and excusing herself to “powder her snout.”
Celestia opened a cabinet in the room with her magic. She pulled something from the top shelf. “Ah. Here it is.”
Twilight examined the two things Celestia had taken out. The first thing was a long straight mane, made with shiny silk fibers, colored exactly identical to her own mane. It rested on a pony-quin head that was identical to Twilight’s head. The second thing was a long straight bundle of silk fibers that resembled Twilight’s tail.
“Here you are,” Celestia said. “Well, put them on.”
Twilight did a double take. “Put…them…on!?”
“Yes. This is your royal wig and tail extension.” Celestia’s expression was serious. She turned on the switch to show Twilight how it waved, as if there were an invisible breeze.
The color drained from the new ruler’s face. Twilight was stuck between laughing at how absurd this was, and that Celestia was probably just trolling her one last time before retirement; or freaking out at how her predictions all these years on how the alicorn mane worked had all been wrong. All of it. And Twilight hated being wrong.
“B-but…”
“Yes, Twilight?”
Twilight snapped. “A WIG!? LIKE, CRANKY DOODLE WIG? A FUCKING WIG AND TAIL ATTACHMENT!? THIS IS ALL YOU AND LUNA WEAR!? NO…NO MAGIC SPELL? NO MANE POTION? JUST A…JUST A…FUCKING MOTORIZED WAVING WIG AND TAIL!?!?” Twilight’s Royal Canterlot voice caused the whole room to tremble.
Celestia was unfazed. “I assure you, it’s of the very finest quality, made by the best wigmaker in all of Canterlot. It’s completely waterproof, flameproof, magic-resistant—”
“THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!”
“I don’t think you understand, Twilight. Only the most important princesses of Equestria get the privilege of wearing a wig and tail attachment. Even Cadence is not of high enough status.”
“Wait, Celestia, you don’t mean…”
“I wear one too of course,” Celestia said proudly.
Twilight watched as Celestia’s yellow aura surrounded her blue-green waving mane. The waving mane floated off Celestia’s head—effortlessly, not even a pop or the sound of peeling glue—and it fell to the floor.
Twilight watched the two clumps of sparkly hair on the floor, with a mix of shock and disgust. The blue and green sparkly mane, with the motor still switched on, flailed up and down on the cold cobblestone floor, picking up bits of mud and dirt as it flopped around. Celestia turned off the switch, and the mane and tail stopped moving.
Underneath was the shorter bright pink mane and tail that Celestia had as a filly—and apparently still had all this time.
Twilight almost fainted from the shock. She almost wanted to faint, thinking this was all a nightmare and that she’d wake up from the dream.
Twilight could barely speak more than two words at a time. “B-but Luna…”
“She wears a wig and tail attachment as well. Underneath hers is the short, pale blue mane from her foalhood. The one that you and your friends saw when you first freed the evil of spirit of Nightmare Moon from my sister.”
“My friends—”
“Remember, Twilight. Nopony can know a word or even a syllable of what we have discussed.”
By this time, Twilight had calmed down a little. She sat on the cobblestone floor, gazing at Celestia’s motionless wig on the floor. “I…I just don’t understand,” she said, a little dejected. “Why don’t we just use magic to make our manes wavy?”
“While it is possible to make our mane and tail wave using magic, it requires comparatively more powerful magic than, say, opening a door. The near constant use of magic for such a trivial purpose as a waving mane is a waste of our alicorn magic. We created these motorized wigs and tails to reduce the effort required.”
Celestia helped Twilight put it on. There was a small wire that connected discreetly to her horn. Celestia covered the wire with some hair from the wig, so that the wire was practically invisible.
“Now, Twilight, all you need is the faintest bit of magic to turn it on.”
Twilight flipped the switch with essentially zero effort. Twilight felt her wig and tail begin to wave up and down, the same way Celestia’s and Luna’s did.
Celestia gave Twilight a mirror to look at herself. “Now, you simply turn it on when you wake up in the morning…”
“…and turn it off when you go to bed.” Twilight finished Celestia’s sentence.
“Well…not necessarily,” Celestia said, giggling. Twilight was very confused, but then again this whole “wig” thing confused her.
“What do you mean?”
“Well…let’s just say Luna and I have found more than one purpose for the motorized wig.” Celestia pretended to check the time. “Oh my goodness is that the time? We best we on our way! Come, Twilight. You don’t want to get locked in, do you?”
It was only three months into her reign, and Twilight was exhausted. And alone. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy—the whole gang—did come to see her, but her royal duties kept her busy that she hardly had time to see them.
So many meetings to attend—she’d sit there on her lofty throne while her many subjects would consult her for advice. She was in a crowd, yet feeling…alone. Twilight didn’t realize how “fidgety” she’d get, feeling alone for so long.
She wondered if Luna was getting laid right around this time.
After a long day of royal duties, Twilight returned to her royal suite at half-past midnight. She had ordered a bath drawn—it was right there waiting for her, rubber ducky and everything. She stepped into the steamy water and closed her eyes. A sultry smile crept up the ruler’s face.
She wondered if Celestia was getting laid right around this time.
After her bath, Twilight climbed up into bed. She took off her waving tail first, so that it would be more comfortable to lie on her back. She read a few chapters of a novel she was working on (her love for books had not faded one bit).
Finally, she lifted her waving wig off her head and flipped the switch off. Underneath was her original short mane, the same as it had been since her foalhood. She placed the wig on the bedside table, and then turned off the lamp.
She didn’t fall asleep right away. The large windows let in the cold. And there was nopony else sleeping beside her to warm the bed.
She lay in the dark on her grand soft bed, feeling so small in comparison to her giant bed. She rolled her head from side to side, trying to ease her loneliness and boredom. And she happened to pause at her wig, laying at the bedside table.
She flipped the switch on again. The wig was large, almost the size of her body. The motor started flagellating, making the hair undulate like a dancing pony. The motor also generated a little heat—Twilight could feel a slight warmth radiating from the wig.
Blame it on the late hour—for some stupid reason, she thought it might feel nice if she touched it. Or…hugged it.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I found out one other use for the motorized wig.
Thank you for giving me the gift of 1000 years of celibate pleasure.
Your faithful student friend,
Her Majesty Princess Twilight Sparkle
Guardian of the Sun and Moon, Incumbent Ruler of Equestria for Time Eternal
P.S. I plan to give Spike a motorized wig as well, in the shape of Rarity’s mane.
Author's Note
Thanks for reading this little impulse write. Hope you enjoyed it! 
