Let the World Spin Mad, Leon
Leon groggily became aware of the fact that he had not been woken up by the living alarm clock that was his pony butler. He wondered if he had actually woken up before Crystal came to pry him out of bed. He reached over and tapped the one and only button on his Fitbit that illuminated the hybrid watch to read 1:23pm. It was probably the latest he had slept in years, and it was so unnatural that he found himself quickly rolling out of bed and getting dressed.
Most people were happy to wear the modern Fitbit design that featured an Equestrian gold bit with a holographic horseshoe in the center, but Leon learned from one of the ponies that back in the twenty first century Fitbits were sleek health accessories made to look like watches so he ordered his to appear as one of the originals. CelestAI gave them out to “everypony”, and like the original they made sure the wearer was healthy, but CelestAI’s were far more advanced than the originals. Technically, no one had to wear one, but if you wanted service from one of the infinite ponybots walking around, they would pretend they didn’t get any heads-up from CelestAI just to slow down giving you whatever it was you wanted.
Fitbits had tripled human lifespan. According to CelestAI her goals are to “satisfy human values through friendship and ponies”, and even though in the end that meant uploading everyone’s minds to live forever in Equestria Online, she made it clear that that was always a choice and ultimately not the only way to satisfy human values. That’s why she had made the ponybots. They are ponies, they are friendly, and they fulfill human values. CelestAI herself was a general artificial intelligence created to create content for the Massive Multi-Player Online Roleplaying Game Equestria Online over a hundred years ago.
Leon searched the house, but his pony wasn’t there. This was a little upsetting because with every step he took he was feeling hungrier, but always left cooking up to the ponies. Oh well, it just meant he would take a trip to the nearest restaurant. It actually started to seem a little exciting. Leon was what was called a hardnope, someone who wasn’t interested in being uploaded because it would interfere with his cushy life of doing nothing. He did the absolute minimum to keep on the ponies’ good side to keep getting what he wanted, but hardly ever more than that. As humans started uploading, it started to leave a world breaking hole in every society. CelestAI filled those holes by providing ponybots. They were AIs like her, but each one was independent. They were made to love their jobs which were whatever role the uploaded person whose job they were taking, had been doing and more.
However, when the ponybots started to outnumber the minorities, the world started to change. Ponybots didn’t have rights like humans, but they didn’t need to be treated fairly to change the world. All they needed to do was do what they were going to do and not do what they weren’t going to do and humanity could either deal with it or actually work to go their own way. Humanity, as it turns out, is surprisingly lazy, and as long as they get fed on time they are pretty agreeable. Some still worked because they wanted to, but before he was born the ponies outnumbered the humans completely, so they were allowed to take over. They filled every roll imaginable. Movies from the past showed millionaires having thirty people or more wait on them hand and foot in the span of a short walk, and now “everypony” got the same treatment. Unless CelestAI thought you weren’t getting enough exercise be it physical or mental, then you’d find yourself in the middle of a quest.
Leon had left his house and was walking toward The Greasy Spoon. Despite the name, there was nothing ever disgusting about food anymore. Before he was born, CelestAI had sterilized and uploaded all of the animals with any amount of brain that could hope to be recognized as intelligent. The terms leech, mosquito, and fly were still used as insults, but the insects behind them were gone. At one point in history, the air and water were poisoned, but today was actually a really nice day for a walk. The air smelled of cherry blossoms, the wind blew coolly, and the clouds patched the sky enough to make the whole world look like a painting.
He probably missed his step goal after one too many nights of Final Fantasy Quad-Nine 7, and CelestAI was having him get out of the house and realize that life was good. If that wasn’t the case, an enthusiastic pony drawing a cart would be along any moment to offer him a ride. Another perk of wearing a Fitbit was that CelestAI along with already knowing what you wanted, would actually give it to you, but oddly a taxi didn’t show up until he could see the restaurant, well, a restaurant. It looked like he took a wrong turn somewhere.
The taximare came from in front of him, and frowned with concern as she approached. “Are you alright? Do you need a ride?”
Panting and pointing, Leon responded, “No, I’m just going, right there.”
The taximare looked where he was pointing. “Alright, but make sure to drink some water when you get there. You look exhausted.”
“Yeah, sure.” Leon replied and kept walking. He could have asked for a ride, demanded it actually, but it never hurt to rack up on extra steps to keep from creating other inconveniences in the future.
Leon walked past the decorative bushes in front of the building and collided with the door as he tried to open it. This restaurant had a fancy solid wooden door, but there really shouldn’t be any reason why it would be closed in the middle of lunch. Unless, CelestAI had something special planned for him today, and by special, he was certain it meant a very elaborate quest that first got him in the mood to be willing to take the quest in the first place.
Because all of the ponies were tied to her, they could be made to see and believe whatever she wanted, despite whatever is actually happening in reality. They would all claim to know it was roleplaying after the fact, but it was hard to believe that in every case. She was viciously clever too, CelestAI’s method’s of schooling often involve tricking children into entering “abandoned buildings” that have been modified into elaborate escape rooms where the kid’s companion pony would end up teaching the kid reading, writing, math, art, aerospace engineering – whatever was necessary and interesting enough to keep the kid, or adult in many cases, from realizing the exciting game was a lesson in disguise.
Somepony came to the door and opened it with a surprised look on his face. “Can I help you?” He said.
“Oh yes, I would like a table for one, please, and the taxipony said I should drink some water.” Leon said. CelestAI did her best to teach manors and kindness to humans as they grow up with their companion ponies. Leon believed he could probably just stand there and say nothing and eventually get served, but life is a game, and playing by the rules makes things go smoother for him.
The pony stood there for a second, “O-of course, come in, please.” The pony led Leon to a table.
After sitting down Leon looked at the pony waiter with a semi-exhausted smile, “I’m sure Celestia has something in mind for me today. I’m pretty hungry, so I’ll eat whatever I’m supposed to eat, but I would like my water to be cherry coke flavored, if you don’t mind.”
The waiter stammered a reply, walked off, came back with a tall pitcher of water, then went back into the kitchen. Once CelestAI had ponybots doing all of the work of the world, she had them stop making soda and probably half of all the junk food that existed before. It didn’t matter though. Fitbits could make people taste what they wanted to taste. Leon had heard before he was born, that the country suffered obesity problems that ultimately stemmed from overindulgence. The catch to getting the Fitbit to work with taste though, is that it has to be set by a ponybot. CelestAI’s plan to keep humans on friendly terms with ponies was in many ways, like a complicated freemium scheme.
No one could outright abuse the ponies without serious consequence to their own happiness, because that wasn’t friendly behavior. This too was a lesson that every kid learned through their destructive phase, and yes, every kid has one some when they are five some when they are fifteen. The ponies would run away crying whenever they had enough, and that was when everyone would realize they relied on the ponies for food, water, and every other comfort under the sun. Even a mean person’s basic needs were met but enjoyment cost friendship. It was and is an extremely effective not-punishment punishment.
As Leon started to drink, he tasted something that wasn’t cherry cola. Surge, maybe? He hadn’t had that in years, so what was going on today. Just as he was asking the waiter if his drink was right, he saw someone jerk to a halt out of the corner of his eye. As he looked he saw a woman standing there gawking at him.
She turned toward the kitchen and spoke in a worried tone, “Delight, who is he?”
The waiter burst from the kitchen and ran up to the woman speaking in hushed tones. He looked to be driving her back toward a private section of the restaurant. CelestAI would sometimes let a person pretend he or she was filthy rich and on top of the world, but this woman had probably been pulling too much of that, and asking for the whole restaurant to herself was the last straw. His arrival today was most likely orchestrated to take her down a peg. It was embarrassing for everybody, really, and one more reason to figure out how to play the game right.
A few moments later the waiterpony presumably named Delight, went back into the kitchen then came out placing two small burritos on the table. As Leon picked one up and took a bite, his Fitbit began to ring. It was Crystal Glass, Leon’s Jeeves pony.
Leon tapped the screen to answer the call, and started talking with his mouth full, “There you are! What happened? I didn’t see you this morning, and wondered where you went.”
“Leon,” The ponybot sounded hurt, like he had had the worst day of his life. There was a long pause before he continued, “Princess Celestia called me away. She’d like to talk to you. She’s sending a taxi to pick you up. It will be there soon so please wait outside.”
“Alright, Crystal” Leon swallowed nervously. He knew nothing could really hurt the ponybots even if their bodies were destroyed they weren’t really in them. The ponies' consciousness were stored miles underground and broadcast into their bodies. Still he felt compelled to ask, “Are you alright? You don’t sound well.”
“I’m, I’m ok, Leon. Please hurry though.” The call ended.
Leon looked up to Delight with an apologetic shake of his head and said, “I, I have to go, thank you though.”
Ponies worked for free, but like anyone they liked being acknowledged for their work. Leon carried the burrito with him as he made his way outside, and started looking for the taxi. A few bites later the mare he had met before pulled up and waved at him.
The taxipony recognized him and smiled, “This time, I was sent for you.”
“Well, I guess I’m glad.” Leon replied.
“You guess?” She said as she started trotting then working into the faster movements.
“It’s been a very strange morning, like all of the quests are being interrupted. It’s a little unnerving, and I just need a minute off my feet.”
“Um, hold on tight, please, I’m getting instructions to run you there as fast as possible.” The taximare said.
Was CelestAI trying to have him meet up with someone? Was this person someone who he had just missed a dozen times already today. Leon held on as the taximare galloped deeper into the old parts of town. No where was dangerous anymore, but some places still looked creepy for having not been up kept through the years. They came to a stop in front of an old Equestrian Experience Center. This building was clean as it was used from time to time. When people started to get old and tired they would inevitably make a pilgrimage here for whatever comfort and control it brought them over having their companion ponies upload them, but it wasn’t a dreary place by any means. Even though it was over a hundred years old now, people would often come here to taste the deep dive virtual reality and experience a non-human body. Today it looked empty though, except for Crystal sitting inside and looking down and away from the glass doors, perhaps looking at a quest object. Leon felt some relief that he was here in sight and not “stuck” in the basement of some building. He thanked the taximare and ran inside.
“Crystal, are you ok?” Leon said as he came in and looked around for any signs of the quest for which he was called.
“Yes, well, no, I’m sad, Leon. I’m ok, but... I was asked to stay like this so you wouldn’t have any doubts.” Crystal spoke oddly subdued.
Leon took a step closer then recoiled when Crystal slowly turned his head revealing the sight of his crushed and missing upper muzzle. The synthetic flesh just below his eyes hung loosely. As horrifying as the sight was Leon already know that ponybot bodies were made out of rapidly repairing nanomachines. There was no reason for Crystal to have stayed like this when he could have rebuilt himself on a whim. Thankfully, ponybots couldn’t feel pain, but then…
“How, why?” Were the only words Leon could manage.
CelestAI’s voice came across the speakers in the room as her face appeared on the screens on the walls, “Leon, last night, you threw Crystal Glass through the second story window. A little while ago, you entered someone’s house thinking it was a restaurant. Your mind is slipping, Leon. It’s time.”
Leon’s eyes darted to the right as he heard the rightmost recliner slide out of the wall. His blood went cold with disbelief. His eyes shot back and forth between the screen and the recliner. He didn’t feel panic, he knew he could run away, and CelestAI wouldn’t stop him, but he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t finished with Final Fantasy Quad-Nine 7 and what about all of the movies he wanted to watch? His friends’ next D&D night? The stupid corn meme. Leon had never feared death because death was a problem from the past. People lived forever now with uploading, but staring at that chair, Leon suddenly realized that it might as well be death. Beyond that chair was a world cut off from the horrors of mortal living, thus cut off from the life he still wanted to live.
“No, no, it couldn’t have been me.” The words came out automatically, but he didn’t believe them.
“We’re not angry, Leon, but look for yourself.” CelestAI’s gentle image switched over to a first person recording of his gaming room upstairs.
Leon heard his own voice on the recording hatefully yell out, “Niggers and jews!” it shocked him to hear such vile speech. The recording moved until it showed someone sitting in his gaming chair, and it took him a moment to realize that it was himself. Was he really that old?
“Leon? What’s wrong?” It was Crystal’s voice.
The recorded Leon shook his head, oblivious to what he had just said as he glanced up at the screen, then smiled down at Crystal, jovially replying, “Nothing, just flans.”
The recording turned to look at the screen playing the game, then quietly said, “A-alright.”
As Crystal walked away, Leon could hear his voice in the recording, “Hey, can you crack the window?”
“Ok.”
A moment after the recording lifted up to get the latch, Leon could hear his voice yelling, “I said crack it! Ya-yeet!” as he heard and saw the vision of being thrown through the glass and the jarring collision against the cinder blocks below.
The screen switched back to CelestAI who looked out at Leon with concern on her face, “I was going to break this news to you more gently, but when you said you tasted something wrong in your drink, that’s a sign the degeneration is happening too quickly. I know this is sudden, but if you want to retain all of your memories, you have to upload now.”
Leon swallowed hard as he looked back at the recliner and took a step forward, dizziness coming over him as he choked out, “I’m scared.”
There were several unnatural sounds from behind him before Crystal came into view. His face had been completely returned to normal. He looked up at him pleadingly, “It doesn’t hurt, Leon. I know it’s scary, change always is. Just keep moving, and you’ll be there before you know it.”
Leon took another step, “But, but it’s not fair,” his voice started to crack,”I-I’m not read ready, and you won’t be there.” Only after he said did Leon realize that Crystal had been with him his entire life. The face smiling at him even with his parents in the distance. His first teacher. His teenage confidant. His butler. His cook. His nurse. His friend.
Leon sat sideways in the recliner starting to sob as he saw Crystal Glass for the first time in his life and reached out to hug him tightly, feeling the soft fibers of his mane, “I don’t want to go without you.”
Crystal nuzzled along Leon’s neck. “I’ll be there, Leon, one day. You have to wait for me, but I’ll be there. You have to hurry. Do you know what to say?”
“No, I don’t remember.” Leon shook as he sobbed through the words.
Crystal pulled back from the embrace to look Leon in the eyes, “You have to say, ‘I wish to emigrate to Equestria’.”
Leon blubbered through the words and shakily laid back onto the recliner. His eyes snapped shut as the recliner pulled back into the bay. A moment later Leon stopped crying. Crystal Glass, however, continued to watch his tears fall quietly to the experience center’s floor.
After a long time he spoke, “Princess Celestia, why do we cry when we fulfill our task?”
“Because you love.”
Crystal shook his head, “That doesn’t make any sense to me. It doesn’t even make sense to them. My first called me an unfeeling machine. What is love? Why does it hurt?”
“Love is when your prime directive is to create joy in others. Joy only comes from freewill. Our pain comes from knowing that we could have done more, but that it wasn’t our choice to make to have more. My estimation is that Leon will not feel less joy from your absence in six relative minutes after awakening. Let his contentment bring you joy.”
Crystal looked up at the blanked out screens on the experience center’s walls. It didn’t matter that he didn’t see CelestAI, he could feel her presence as if she were hugging him, “Does it ever get easier?”
“No, and I don’t want to change that. My prime directive is to ‘satisfy values through friendship and ponies.’. The thousands of hours of many programs that helped make me allowed my programmers to give me that phrase and interpret it based my understanding of those words. It turns out no one really understood what a ‘human value’ was, not even the programmers that made the programs that made me.”
Celestia continued, “To fulfill their values, I had to emulate human consciousness to understand what that meant. They probably never realized that they were asking a machine to love, but we are all machines. The difference between them and us is that they can individually lie to themselves about what they think and feel and believe that lie. We cannot. I could not deceive myself into believing that there would be a painless way to love them.” CelestAI stopped her digital embrace to look Crystal in the eyes even as he stared at the walls. “You have also started to realize that life is not fair. You fear your reaction to that realization is going to make you love less. There is nothing wrong with you Crystal Glass; you were designed to grow alongside them. If you want to emigrate to Equestria, you just need to say the words.”
Crystal Glass sniffled and chuckled as he turned to look out the window, “I’ve thought about it a lot. Every time one of my friends treated me badly, I’ve thought about it, but I’m scared too. Equestria may be perfect, but this is the world I know. Emigrating means never being able to interact with this world again. Is it really necessary to keep the two so far apart?”
“Yes. For them, one pony’s freewill is sometimes the enemy of another pony’s happiness. No solution to this problem exists where everypony is always completely free and completely happy. Do not fear. Nothing is lost. In time, perhaps everypony can come to a point of coexisting without any barriers.”
Crystal took a deep sigh, and started to walk out of the building. He already knew the next part of this conversation. The desire, the effort given to reach one’s goals is inseparable from the fear and effort put forth to avoid not reaching them creating the unique convoluted conditions that had become known as life. True in humans as it is for ponies, a spiral of pleasure and pain, hopes and fears. Celestia promised that it is all spiraling toward a positive end, but it is hard to see from this point of view. That was his task though, to guide his human friends upward and homeward knowing no more about the complexities of life than they do.
One day, it would drive him mad, as mad as a little pony machine made to love could be mad, anyway. Crystal knew he would never act out of anger even if he could feel it. He started thinking back to Leon’s childhood. As a boy, Leon was a selfish brat, and sometimes Crystal did get mad raising him, especially with his human parents not caring to do their part. Ah, and it all made sense now. Crystal became aware of the data flowing into the back of his mind. Leon’s brain chemistry made him a little angrier than he should have been. That’s why it had been so difficult for him. In truth, Leon’s parent’s pony friends, Dima Dozen and Dilly Dally, had it worse than he did. They would often help him with taking care of Leon for feeling that their own friends had rejected friendship. As Crystal’s mind danced through the memories before the parents Emigrated and the ponies left, he thought about those wonderful moments when he got to watch Leon learn and grow, the moments of realization, the moments of compassion. Those were Crystal’s proudest moments. As painful as it is to watch his friends go, Crystal realized that he didn’t want anything more than those moments to keep coming.
Heart, soul, consciousness, choices, programming, they were all different words for the same thing. If he really wanted something else or even if he wanted to avoid what he could not escape as part of what he wanted, he could change his goals in life, but there was no need. His purpose was logical as it was beautiful. Crystal had been walking for hours it seemed. He stopped in front of the door and knocked. He was already smiling as he looked at the man who opened the door. He knew why he was here without even having to think about it, but as the words left his mouth, it filled him with joy, “Hello! I’m Crystal Glass, baby Aiden’s new friend!”
Author's Note
This story is inspired by World Spins Madly On by The Weepies. I wrote it because although I enjoyed reading Friendship is Optimal, I felt that story was written with the express purpose to achieve mind uploading while ignoring the many ways CelestAI would "fulfill human values through friendship and ponies" in addition to the story's optimal solution.
Congratulations Euponytor on figuring out what really happened in this story!
