Ponyville Castle, the Fortress of Friendship, Twilight’s Crystal Castle, the Bastion of Brohoofs, could be described in a lot of ways. It could be called a reward for a heroic feat, a fitting seat for Equestria’s newest princess, an incredible zoning violation in Ponyville city limits. At the moment the only description that mattered to Rarity was ‘40 bedroom, one bath’.
“What is taking her so long?” Rarity hissed, pacing in front of the door and trying not to think about a certain unladylike pressure. “Even Rainbow Dash wouldn’t have spent half an hour in there, and she thinks she can get over being lactose intolerant if she just drinks enough milk!”
Rarity pranced in place, puffing out her cheeks with annoyance. Regardless of how terribly rude it would be, she didn’t have a choice. She was going to have to abandon all social conventions and knock.
“Twilight?” Rarity asked, rapping on the door with a certain urgency. “Are you almost done in there? I really, really require use of the facilities!”
“Huh? Wha? Uh, I’m not doing anything!” Twilight yelled through the door.
“Good!” Rarity said, shoving the door open. If her personal needs had been less urgent maybe she wouldn’t have done it, but she actually managed to forget everything for a moment when she saw what was going on.
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, was hunched over the sink, one of Pinkie Pie’s crazy straws in her telekinetic grip, with the end in a line of white powder.
“Uh.” Twilight hesitated. “It’s not what it looks like!”
“It looks like you’re doing a line of cocaine.”
“Okay it’s exactly what it looks like. I didn’t have a straw and Pinkie had these swirly ones and it seemed like it would be fun and wacky but it turns out it’s actually really hard to do a line with one of these and so I’m sorry if I’ve been in here for a while but it’s not my fault!”
“Which part of that isn’t your fault?” Rarity asked.
“The part where…” Twilight hesitated. “Do you know the Alpacas of Mezmezzoland chew coca leaves when they’re in the mountains to combat altitude sickness?”
“I didn’t know that,” Rarity admitted. “And while this is a lovely discussion on trivia, can we possibly continue this discussion in, oh, five minutes?” She smiled, her expression extremely strained.
“Oh. Oh! Right! Bathroom! Uh. I’ll just…” Twilight grabbed her things, the straw, the mirror, the cocaine, a ruler to help get her line perfectly straight, and awkwardly stepped around Rarity. “Should I--?”
Rarity slammed the door the moment Twilight was outside.
A few minutes later, Rarity felt much refreshed. She opened the door again and found Twilight there, pacing back and forth, her mane rather disheveled.
“Okay, before you say anything,” Twilight said, holding up a hoof, then a wing, then alternated sides until she felt she’d appropriately stopped Rarity from commenting. “I know what you want to say. Drugs are bad! But! Are they really? I haven’t had time to work on a presentation but I took the rest of my cocaine and I’ve got a lot of ideas on how it isn’t as bad as you think!”
“How much cocaine did you take, exactly?”
“Exactly…” Twilight stopped and tapped her hoof, starting to walk in small circles. “That’s a good question. I should have been keeping track but I was really nervous because I didn’t want to have this discussion with you and then I spent a while trying to figure out what to say to make this the least worst thing and I just kept taking more trying to figure it out and I don’t think that really helped much at all!”
“Clearly.” Rarity sighed. “Twilight I want you to know I’m very disappointed in you. I should have seen the signs.”
“The signs? But I hide it really well!”
“You’re paranoid. You get overexcited. You start rearranging the library at two in the morning.”
“I do sometimes rearrange the library at two in the morning but that’s when I get my best ideas! I go looking for a book and it takes me a while to find it and I think about what would have made it easier, and that’s when you really test things outright, because you’re actually using the library instead of living in it and if biographies were in front instead of the second level it would be so much easier to learn about the most important figures in necromatic history, which is really super relevant because a lot of them are still sort of around in an undeathy sort of way and if you meet them you better know if it’s Bloodhorn the Undying or Wraithwalker Johnson before you talk to them on your ouija board!”
“Twilight. You’re rambling. About ghosts.”
“Well Rarity I don’t know if you know this about me but I don’t handle stress very well and I’ve taken an astonishing amount of cocaine!”
“Yes, and now that I know about your habit it rather explains some things.”
“Okay, so, so, it’s like a stock market for books, right?” Twilight said. “You bet on which books will be popular, and you buy shares, and the printer pays you dividends based on how many they sell. It’s great, right, because then you can just buy all the shares yourself and it’s like, it’s like self-publishing but you can get other ponies to chip in and- and you can sell the stocks later! And- and publishers will like it too because they don’t have to carry all the risk! I was thinking of setting it up myself but like, should a Princess get into business or is it like, a conflict of interest?”
“Get out of my house,” A K Yearling said.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Rainbow Dash asked, with what was a shocking amount of foresight for someone who regularly acted on bad ideas without questioning them.
“It seemed like a good idea,” Twilight said, rubbing her temples. “I think I’m starting to come down a little. What was the plan?”
“Well, you had me buy all the cabbage in the market, and Fluttershy’s got two dozen eggs, and you kept saying something about hypersonic coleslaw but I’m not clear on the details exactly.”
“Right, right. Coleslaw. I wanted some for my sandwich.” Twilight paused. “Wait, where did I put my sandwich?”
“You ate it like, two hours ago.”
“Fuck!”
“We can agree that mistakes were made, but I really think the idea of making self-baking apple pies was a good one. Everypony likes pie. In retrospect, I regret not asking you first, and I should have checked my calculations because I misplaced a decimal point somewhere, but the thing about experiments is that you do them so you can test out your ideas! We’ll get it right next time.” Twilight smiled and patted her good friend on the back.
“Mah whole orchard is on fire!” Applejack wailed.
“It sure is,” Twilight agreed.
“I was really in the mood for pie that day,” Twilight sighed.
“This is a problem, Twilight.”
“I know. I know! It started when I was Celestia’s student. Sometimes it was just so hard to keep up with the work and there are only so many hours in the day and I needed help sometimes. I can quit anytime I want, but I just get so much more done!”
“Twilight, sit down before you have a heart attack.”
Rarity helped Twilight sit in the hallway, leaning her back against the wall.
“Breathe,” Rarity whispered. “Just breathe for a moment, alright.”
“I’m okay,” Twilight said, after a few deep breaths. “Sorry.”
“You know, when I was just starting out, I felt that same kind of pressure,” Rarity said. “It’s one thing to open a new business, it’s another thing to try and sell clothing to ponies who only wear a dress once or twice a year.”
“Yeah, that’s like the kind of bad ideas I get sometimes,” Twilight joked.
“I thought I’d corner the market, and I suppose I have, but there simply isn’t much of a market to corner. And trying to get inspiration seeing the same faces and the same places season after season?” Rarity scoffed.
Twilight took a deep breath. “And you managed it without any kind of chemical help. You’re right, Rarity. I need to kick this habit. All I get are bad ideas and-- why are you looking at me like that?”
“Twilight, dear, love, why in Celestia’s name would you think I didn’t use cocaine?” Rarity laughed. “Darling I’ve done so much blow that it would rain snow if you shook me too hard! I’m not upset that you were using, I’m upset that you didn’t save any for me!”
“...Really?” Twilight asked, timidly.
“I haven’t been able to get a dealer since Fleur went into rehab as part of her plea bargain. You’d think Pinkie Pie would be able to get her hooves on some coke but she won’t even touch the stuff, which... is probably for the best.”
“What about Fluttershy?”
Rarity huffed. “Don’t even talk to her about it. She’ll fill your head with nonsense about how chemicals are bad and how you should only put natural things in your body and try to get you to lick toads and drink cactus juice with her. The last time I went to her for, ah, inspiration, she gave me something that made me see machine elves hiding behind reality.”
“That sounds… neat?”
“They were friendly, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to translate fifth-dimensional designs made out of living song into practical fall fashion. On the other hoof, now I know why Fluttershy is able to deal with Discord so well.”
“I mean, if you want, I can introduce you to my dealer,” Twilight sniffled. “I kind of need a refill anyway since I sort of did all my coke. C’mon.” She stood up. “We’ll go talk to her.”
“Now?” Rarity asked. “But what about the other girls? We can’t just leave.”
“It’s okay, we don’t have to go far. But you have to promise not to tell anypony about this.”
“My lips will be sealed,” Rarity promised.
Twilight led them to the front doors of the castle, then right past them to the other wing, looking around before knocking on a door.
“Who is it?” Starlight asked. “You have to tell me if you’re a Royal Guard! It’s the law! This is my own private domicile and I won’t be harassed!”
“It’s me, Starlight,” Twilight said.
The door cracked open, and Starlight looked out suspiciously.
“Are you alone?” Starlight whispered.
“No,” Twilight said. The door slammed shut. “No, it’s okay, Starlight! It’s just Rarity! She’s cool!”
“She’s cool?” Starlight asked. “Make sure she isn’t wearing a wire!”
Rarity cleared her throat. “For one thing, darling, I’m in the nude. And if I was wearing anything, it wouldn’t be recording equipment. I can’t imagine they come in anything that’s flattering to the figure.”
The door cracked open, and Starlight looked out.
“Okay. Come in. And be quick. I don’t trust Spike.”
She opened the door and let them in, slamming it so close on their heels it almost shut on Rarity’s tail.
“Sorry about this,” Starlight said. “I’m just…” she shrugged. “Feeling a little off today. Twilight said you’re cool. You sure you’re cool?”
“Starlight, you know me. We’re friends. Of course I’m cool.”
“Right so, what do you need? Moon sugar? Snakeweed? If this is about Dash’s order, Griffon Growth Hormone isn’t even a thing and she needs to stop asking.” Starlight folded her forehooves. “Besides, even if it existed, they’re half bird and half cat and she’d probably end up growing feathers in weird places.”
“I’ll try and talk some sense into her,” Twilight said. “I’m pretty sure the Wonderbolts do a lot of testing anyway.”
“Thanks, Twi. You’re the best.” Starlight smiled brightly. “Wanna do a line of coke with me?”
“Yes, please! Oh right, and Rarity needs to buy. If you could give her the same order as me, that’d be great.”
“No problem.” Starlight nodded and lifted up her bed. “You should try this first, though. Double Diamond says this is his best batch yet. He calls it Blue Velvet.”
“That was one of the stallions from your village, wasn’t he?” Rarity asked.
“I had a whole cult up in the mountains where the cops weren’t going to come around and bother me,” Starlight said. “You start out thinking you want to just keep things simple and the next thing you know you’ve got a meth lab because there’s nopony to stop you and you need a way to keep ponies happy when there’s nothing to do and all the food tastes like burned garbage.”
She busied herself pouring a small pile of slightly pearlescent, slightly blue powder onto a textbook. Twilight tilted her head and watched her, frowning.
“This is really premium grade stuff. It’ll put a spark in your horn if you know what I mean!” Starlight chuckled. “And by that I mean I did like a mountain of this stuff while I was working up that whole time-travel revenge plot.”
“Starlight, that book is from my library,” Twilight said. “What have I always told you?”
“Don’t get drugs on the books,” Starlight sighed. “Tell you what, this one’s free and we’ll call it even. Deal?”
Twilight bit her lip. Starlight wiggled her eyebrows.
“Okay, but just this once,” Twilight said, before smashing her face into the book and snorting the dust up like she was a diver coming up for air.
“Oh that can’t possibly be healthy for her,” Rarity muttered. “Twilight, dear, if you start to OD I will not be dragging you to the hospital myself.”
“She should be fine,” Starlight said. “I think alicorns are immortal. I mean, probably. What I’d really be worried about is--”
Twilight coughed and pulled her face off the book, her muzzle still coated with blue powder. She licked her lips.
“Wow, that’s--” Twilight coughed again. “Tell Double Diamond he needs to cut that down a little bit if he wants to sell it. I can feel my teeth wiggling.”
“I’ll pass it along,” Starlight said, amused. “How’s it feel otherwise?”
“I feel like…” Twilight looked around. “All the colors are brighter, and all the sounds are so sharp and they cut into me but it hurts in a good way. I just want to…” she looked at Rarity, and her pupils dilated wide. “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful…”
“I’ve never been one to refuse a compliment,” Rarity said, touching her perfect mane and blushing. “Tell me more!”
“I’ve looked at you so many times but I’ve never seen you before now. I can feel my mind opening up like a flower and I see every moment, and you’ve been the most elegant and amazing thing and it was like I was blind until this very moment.” Twilight stepped closer, her voice dropping to a whisper.
“You do say the sweetest things,” Rarity giggled.
“Can I lick your horn?” Twilight asked.
“Not on a first date,” Rarity said. “I’ll let you kiss me, though.”
“Oh right, yeah, that’s what ponies do,” Twilight agreed. Rarity expected Twilight to take that last step forward, but the alicorn just grabbed her with a telekinetic field, sweeping her off her hooves and pulling her into a deep kiss.
The kiss was electric, leaving Rarity’s lips and gums tingling, mostly because Twilight still had traces of the Blue Velvet all over her face. The Princess of Friendship’s technique wasn’t good enough to get her out of the Princess Friendzone on its own.
Rarity licked her lips, her tongue buzzing from the faint trace of the drug. She couldn’t even imagine what it must have been like for Twilight.
“Maybe we should get a room?” Twilight suggested, wiggling her eyebrows in what she thought was a sexy way but looked more like they were trying to fly away from the crazed look in her eyes. “I’ve got about thirty bedrooms that nopony is using.”
“Oh Twilight, I’d love that,” Rarity said, her cheeks turning red. “But I think you were right about that drug being a tad too strong.”
“Why? Are you starting to get a tingle in your feathers?” Twilight asked. “Because I am and I absolutely love it!”
“Actually I think my heart is about to stop,” Rarity said, dreamily. “Will you let me down to the floor gently, darling?”
“Oh, right, yeah,” Twilight dropped Rarity. “Damnit, sorry! Let me do that again.” She picked Rarity back up, and this time put her down gently. “Okay. That’s better.”
“Now I’m going to lie here and try not to die,” Rarity said. “If I stop breathing, could one of you pose me in a way that would be dramatic, yet appropriate and ladylike? I want to look my best before the rigor mortis sets in.”
“You’re not gonna die,” Starlight said. “I mean, probably not. I think I’ve got an epinephrine shot around here somewhere.”
“And if you do, I know plenty of necromancy spells,” Twilight said. “Some of them are so advanced ponies wouldn’t even know you were dead! Undead, I mean. I think I’d have to sacrifice a foal to make you a lich. How do you feel about being wrapped in bandages?”
“I’m too young to be a mummy!” Rarity wailed.
“Okay, okay, no problem. I’ll figure something out. You know this might be a really good opportunity! You look terrific.”
“Fabulous,” Rarity corrected, sniffling.
“Right. You look fabulous,” Twilight agreed. “And if you got turned into a ghoul you’d stay beautiful forever! You know, as long as you ate raw flesh.”
“I’ve done worse things to get rid of wrinkles,” Rarity admitted. “Thank you, Twilight. You’re a very good friend.”
“So are you! We’ll just wait for you to die, and then I’ll get my spellbooks out of the secret lab that nopony knows about where I keep all my dark magic stuff.”
“The one behind the secret door in the library?” Starlight asked.
“That’s the one!” Twilight smiled. She tapped a hoof on the ground. “This is starting to take a while. Are you dead yet? No. I could really go a pizza. It’s probably important to eat before doing dark sorcery.”
“Actually I’m starting to feel a little better,” Rarity said. “Maybe I just needed to lie down.”
“Oh.” Twilight sighed. “Darn. You want to go get a pizza?”
“Okay,” Rarity said.
Twilight picked her up and put Rarity on her back. “See you later, Starlight! Thanks for hooking us up!”
“No problem!” Starlight said, waving as they left.
“Are they gone yet?” The book whispered, before turning back into Chrysalis. “I can’t believe that didn’t kill them. It was pure manticore venom!”
“Maybe next time,” Starlight said, patting the changeling queen on the thigh.
Author's Note
I want to state for the record I’ve never done any drugs at all. I just get a contact high from Majin’s ideas.
Thank you, and I’m so, so sorry, to all my readers.
I just want to say that MagnetBolt is a beautiful person for writing this and should get all of the kisses. ~ Majin Syeekoh
