How Queer It Is 2 Think That This Shall B My Final Sh*tfic, 4 N But a Few Short Hours the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Series Finale Will Air and at Last This Wretched Curse I Have Born For Seven Long Years Will Be Lifted & I Shall Be Free!
Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind
“Well, friends, you are probably wondering why I have gathered you here today.”
“I’m not your friend,” Twilight Sparkle blasély replied.
“Oh yeah, then why are you here?”
“Because you’re holding us at gunpoint”
Super Trampoline stared at her, dumbfounded. “Jesus Christ, Twilight, this is a fucking laser pointer. You spent like at least a week in the human world and said ‘ Wikipedia makes me wet in these new human parts of mine’. How the fuck do you not know what a gun is?”
The soon-to-be ruler (among equals) of Equestria’s face displayed a mixture of embarrassment and betrayal and perhaps just a touch of arousal. “I told you that in confidence, you loose-lipped harpy”
Super Trampoline shrugged nonchalantly. “Loose lips sink ships, and since Monochromatic sank my RariTwi ship a few days ago on account of it not actually being good, I’m going to sink your spirits in misplaced vengeance.”
Twilight huffed. “Dude, you seriously need therapy.”
“I agree,” Super replied, “ which is why you’ll be happy to know that on Tuesday morning I am meeting with a caseworker to see about getting signed up for Medi-Cal, so that I can actually afford the therapy I desperately need. Plus, it means I will be able to afford to see a psychiatrist and thus hopefully have a direct source for ADHD pills instead of having to buy them off of my friend. But that’s beside the point.”
“The more you talk, the more thankful I become that our show is ending today,” Twilight snarked.
“ thank you so much for your vote of confidence,” Super retorted, “but also thank you for bringing up why in fact I gathered you all here. All y’all’s show is about to end, and that means we’re going to be seeing some changes around here.”
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So, in the ultimate expression of creative bankruptcy, I’m going to try to finish this story while working before I head over to the watch party with my friends. Which means all you ponies I have gathered here today, I’m going to tell you what I like about you and dislike about you and that will comprise this half assed story. Maybe there will be some dialogue and character interaction as well or something. I don’t know, I’m just trying to get leads on my first day back to work.
So, Twilight Sparkle, I like how you showed people that being uncool Could still be cool. You made being a nerd sexy. And you showed us how together everyone achieves more.
Also, within the context of this universe I have constructed within the Pony universe, you have put up with my bullshit and shenanigans. Thank you. You definitely didn’t deserve putting up with me.
Also, you have had a lot of character growth. That is pretty cool. Remember when you were a shy anxious bookworm? Now you are a princess and a Mary Sue. You should be proud of yourself.
Rainbow Dash, when I first joined the fandom, I thought you were cool. Then I thought you were an asshole. Now I think you are a cool asshole. I really enjoyed when you found out you had photographic memory. That was pretty cool. Also I might still think you are hot.
Rarity, even though my personality is nothing like yours, if I had an element of a harmony it would also be generosity. I have stretched myself thin this year helping homeless friends have less shitty lives, not to humble brag or anything. I love how you always look out for your friends as well. Also, you definitely have the best voice actor. God bless you, Tabitha St. Germain.
Starlight Glimmer, not only are you an amazing Pony who shows us how people with antisocial personality disorder can become better people through dedication and hard work, you also showed us that in the year 201x, most people still think communism equals authoritarian brainless conformity. But seriously, you are a kick ass character and very cool and all the haters can eat my asshole.
Fluttershy, kindness is extremely powerful. I hope I never forget that. You are so strong in your own way, and that is very admirable. Also you helped a lot of hella shy and awkward bronies continue to be hella shy and awkward, but not quite feel so bad about it.
Pinkie Pie, you are my homeslice and the Pony who made me realize that I was an absurdist and that that was a good thing. I won’t forget all the crazy cocaine-fueled sex I can pretend we’ve had, and the fact that you would definitely be an advocate of ethical non-monogamy were you, you know, not an imaginary cartoon character in a kids show. Never stop smiling and never stop and never stop spreading joy. Sometimes it’s all we can do. I love you so much, you mad lass.
Applejack, I share very few values with you, but I guess it’s kind of cool how you enjoy hard work as its own reward. Also I appreciate your sass and your eyebrows and your ridiculous countryisms. I’m going to use this opportunity to insert the sole picture that will be in this story if you can even call this a story:
This is definitely one of the best deep-fried memes out there.
And Spike? Well, you were there I guess. No, ha ha, just kidding. You are a cool ass dude who was always there for Twilight when she needed someone to keep her in check ~~this is my first day at this particular store anyone with an orange apron should be able to answer that have a great day.~~ Haha sorry real world incursion I’m at work right now. But yeah, Spike you got an undeserved bad rap. You’re an OG in my and B_25’s book. Stay fresh you funky dragon.
Celestia and Luna and Trixie and Sunset Shimmer and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo and Apple Bloom and Big Mac and Derby Hooves and Shining Armor and Cadance and Discord and the student six and everyone else, I guess y’all were alright too.
Welp, that’s 1000 words. Thank you so much every~~pony~~creature, for being such a huge part of my life and helping to define who I am. I love you all and I promise I’ll keep writing shitty stories about you, regardless of what this story’s title is. See you on the other side, fuckers. 
~Super Trampoline the bat pony
