Equestria’s Worst Spies

by Inferno demon Dash

Rating: mature
Tags: Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Profanity, Gore, Violence, Princess Celestia, Death, Alternate Universe, Narcotics, Anthro, Romance, Thriller, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Spike, Comedy
Length: 2472

Spike the dragon always wanted to be a spy, to bad he’s terrible at it.

Celestial Wings is the most well known spy agency in the world...for all the wrong reasons. And with Celestia Dragon in charge of an alcoholic dragon whore, a psychotic scientist unicorn, an earth pony one step away from a mental ward, a snarky trigger happy Alicorn, a unicorn who only sees money to be made and a Pegasus leader really wanting another job with more pay, the business may as well be in the toilet...if the idiots don’t set it on fire first.

Chapters are not connected unless otherwise stated.

Based on the animated American adult sitcom, Archer.

Published 2019-10-13 00:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-10-13 00:00:01 UTC

Meet The New Recruits

*HOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNKKKKKK*

Fluttershy’s eyes snapped open both in fear and shock as she quickly brought her hands up to cover her ears, screaming in pain while looking around wildly for the source with her once pitch black room now being filled with light from the candles around her bedroom only to see Spike the dragon, her best friend, co-worker and ex boyfriend with an airhorn in his right claw, his left holding a bottle of expensive wine that she could not read while he stood at the edge of her bed.

The half naked mare lifted the blanket higher to cover her bare breast as she glared at the grown dragon in front of her with rage.

“Oh good, you’re up.” Spike said with a burp, swaying quite a bit before lifting the bottle up to his mouth and took a large swallow of the alcohol.

“Spike? What the buck-”

“Listen I know it’s late but I wanted to say I’m sorry...you know for cheating on you with Fleur de Lis. Or was it Lee? Anyway, even though she was a bucking beast in the sack, what I did was wrong and she…hold on.” He paused to take another large swig of his drink as Fluttershy glanced at the clock above him that read that it was four in the morning as she gritted her teeth and opened her mouth to speak.

Spike didn’t give her a chance as he released the bottle from his lips, smacked them and lifted his right leg, pushing himself into the air and completely forgetting he had wings as he continued.

“She was so bucking hot and really knew how to suck a cock. But that’s not why I am here. The real reason I’m here is to ask you to-” He didn’t get to finish as his foot slipped off the bed and his body came crashing down, his head slamming into Fluttershy’s nightstand to the right of her as she gasped in shock, leaning over to make sure the dragon didn’t kill himself.

“Spike?” She called out hesitantly, nervously as thoughts ran through her head about what to do if he was dead.

Luckily for Fluttershy, Spike let out a loud snore as Fluttershy gave a loud sigh of relief before she leaned over, grabbed the bottle in his claw, pried it off and finished the rest before setting it on her nightstand.

It was going to be a long day.

____________________________________________________________________________

“Look I said I was sorry!” Spike yelled to the pegasus next to him as they walked to work.

“For which part, breaking into my home and being trashed or for cheating on me with an air headed bimbo who actually thought she could be a field agent spy and then got eaten right in front of our eyes by a chimera?” Fluttershy retorted bitterly as she turned her head to glare at the embarrassed dragon who rubbed the back of his neck with a claw.

“She had potential-” He tried to argue before he was cut off by the annoyed pony.

“It was her first mission, we been out on the field nearly countless times with me leading us-”

“Only because mother won’t let me show how awesome a leader I am!” He snapped back as they reached their destination, a six story airship manufacturer as Fluttershy turned to give Spike a bemused stare.

“Of course she won’t.” She replied sarcastically as she opened the door and the two went inside, ignoring the very hard working ponies and other races that helped shield the international spy agency from the world at the very top as they entered a side area and quickly opened their wings to fly to the very top.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? You and I both know that if Rainbow Dash got her own head out of her ass that I would be a shoe in for-”

“Thought you were trying to apologize to me for breaking in and or cheating on me with an idiot?” Fluttershy snapped as she crossed her arms and glared at the drake, touching down on the concrete with ease as Spike rolled his eyes and held open the door to the fire escape for the mare who walked in but not before giving him the middle finger.

“Fleur de lis or lee or whatever and I only banged twice...or was it thrice? The point is that you should know me enough by now to know that I’m a-”

“Dragon whore?” Fluttershy responded as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“I was going to say the type of dragon to help a lady when she’s in trouble.” Spike shot back annoyed as Fluttershy rubbed her eyelids with her fingers as she gave a loud sigh.

“And you think banging a female in the armory while your girlfriend was going to get ammo for the mission counts as ‘helping a lady’?” She snarled as she glared at him while he scratched the side of his face with a claw.

“I mean…” He answered softly as she lifted a hand to punch him the face making him brace for impact.

“There you two are, for once you’re finally on time, Spike.” A crisp, annoyed and tired voice spoke as the punch never came for Spike and Flutershy turned her sight on her boss.

“Mom.” Spike said in a tone as though he rather be anywhere else while Fluttershy rolled her eyes.

“Celestia.” Fluttershy answered in a way that made the Alicorn glare at her before she merely sighed and turned around, beckoning the two of them to follow her.

They stepped into the large room where multiple ponies and a mule were working in cubicles, ignoring those around them as they walked towards Celestia’s office.

“We have some new recruits joining us today.” Celestia finally spoke as she opened the doors and allowed the pegasus and dragon to see a female pink earth pony with wild, bouncy pink hair and sky blue eyes who was talking cheerfully with another Alicorn, this one also pink in color but had yellow and purple hair in her pink mane and tail with purple colored eyes.

“Cadence?!” Spike exclaimed in shock as the Alicorn turned with a large smile on her face as she walked over and punched Spike in the shoulder.

“Hey little cousin, great to see you again. Been a while, huh?” She laughed before turning to the pegasus and shaking her hand. “Hi there, my name’s Mi Amore Cadenza but my friends call me Cadence, or Princess if they’re in the right mood.” The Alicorn laughed with a wink making Fluttershy smile.

“Hello, my name’s Fluttershy Breeze. I’m guessing you know Spike and Celestia already?” She asked as Cadence nodded with another swing at Spike’s shoulder.

“We’re family. Along with my Aunt Luna and our other cousin Blue Blood, haven’t seen him in a while though.” She spoke glancing at Celestia who lifted her hand and slapped the back of Spike’s head hard.

“That’s because this idiot left him in Yakyakistan on a mission three months ago, I tried searching for him but lost the leads I had.” Celestia growled as she slapped Spike again who backed away rubbing his head.

“For the last time, it’s Blue Blood. The only thing that would kill him is if he went into debt and what the hell, mother? Why the buck did you hire a stripper-”

“Ex-stripper. Lucky Horseshoe burned down two weeks ago and I needed the work.” Cadence replied as Spike merely gave her a blank stare.

“Yeah thanks, three for one combo if I need help knowing where to put a bit in a pair of panties, I’ll come to you. Why the hell is she here? Where is Rainbow Dash? For that matter where is Rumble and Sunburst?” Spike questioned before he was punched right in the stomach by Cadence as he wheezed and collapsed to the ground in pain, Celestia merely ignoring them as she walked around the four and sat in her large, leather chair with her hands over her eyes.

“They left to go work for the Lunar Empire, I knew my sister never liked how I did things around here but to start her own agency and take some of our best agents is just to far. I’m glad you decided to stick around, Fluttershy.” Celestia said with pride as the pegasus crossed her arms in annoyance.

“Hey!” Spike called out in protest which went ignored.

“Don’t count me out just yet, the only reason I’m still here is because I’m squad leader and because Luna wouldn’t take me as long as I still have something left worth giving a damn about here...also her starting pay is rather pathetic for the experience I have.” Fluttershy responded before lifting up a leg, pulling it back and swinging it into Spike’s stomach who coughed in pain.

“Whose this?” Fluttershy asked with a nod to the earth pony who was drinking half a bottle of whiskey that Celestia had on her desk which she snached out of the mare’s hands quickly who smiled sheepishly before she turned around.

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie. Or Pinkamena Diane Pie if you want to be official, I want to be the best of the best spy there is and I heard Celestial Wings was the best to achieve that goal.” She spoke quickly and without pause as Spike burst out laughing before being kicked in the stomach by Cadence this time.

“Well if we’re splitting hairs, the real best of the best is the Lunar Empire.” Fluttershy muttered to herself and gave a fake smile as Celestia glared at her. “N-not that there’s anything wrong with Celestial Wings, of course. Have you tried applying there, Pinkie Pie, Cadence?” She asked as Cadence rubbed her right arm with her left hand in embarrassment.

“Aunt Luna said this was the best place to be trained before I was ready for real work.” She answered slowly.

“Was she laughing hysterically after she said that? Spike commented as he finally stood up from the ground, clutching his stomach.

“Yes.” Cadence answered meekly with a blush.

“Then it means she sees you and by definition us, as a joke, it's very unlikely you’ll ever be hired by her.” Spike said bluntly as Cadence’s ears dropped in shame.

“Oh.” Was the only other words out of her mouth as she kicked the brown carpeted floor in anger.

“Aw, don’t worry. We can be losers together!” Pinkie Pie yelled cheerfully as she gathered all three in a hug that made Spike immediately punch her in the face as she fell to the ground while Cadence chuckled and Fluttershy rolled her eyes before helping the earth pony up.

“We’re not losers! We’re just a little behind is all. Not my fault that star gazing, smug son of a bitch is stealing all of our work for now. We’ll get back on top soon enough, just you wait. There is one more new member to meet and then we’ll get you four started on training.” Celestia responded as she stood from her seat and walked back to the doors as the rest followed her.

“Wait, training? Fluttershy and I don’t need training, mother. We have been at this for five years now!” Spike shouted as Celestia didn’t even turn her head.

“Oh I know, I meant training for the new members of the team, seeing as how some ponies left us high and dry.” She muttered darkly as they walked deeper into the building and came to a stop at Sunburst’s old laboratory, Celestia punched in the code to enter and as it opened with a hiss they entered to see a purple colored female unicorn with a dark blue mane and tail with a single pink strip on them as she turned around to stare at them with wild, rather intense purple eyes.

“Hi there. My name’s Dr. Twilight Sparkle, don’t mind me just getting, um...settled in? Yeah, that’s it, settled in. I’m guessing you’re the mama's boy, Spike the dragon. And you must be Fluttershy Breeze, I read quite a lot about you. In the secret documents that are, you know...secret and private and what not.” Twilight spoke with a quick twitch of her right eye that made Celestia rub her eyes slowly with a sigh.

“Dr. Sparkle here has a very gifted mind, quite similar to Sunburst but she’s a bit on the, how do you say…-”

“Psychotic side?” Spike answered before slapped in the back of the head again as Twilight laughed.

“Let’s just say it’s a good thing we are supported by the Equestrian Council as some of my methods aren’t really legal.” She spoke with a giggle, causing Fluttershy and Cadence to take a step back.

“So Dr. Sparkle-”

“Oh, Twilight’s just fine.” The unicorn interrupted as she turned around, bending down and searching for something inside the dressers from the large desk she was near.

“Right, Twilight. Care to show us what you’re working on?” Celestia asked with a bit of impatience in her voice as the unicorn’s head suddenly popped up making Pinkie Pie jump.

“If I can find it first, asshole is faster than I thought she would be.” Twilight grumbled to herself as she went onto her hands and knees.

“Find what?” Fluttershy questioned nervously as the purple unicorn lifted her head and gave a rather bone chilling smile.

“My miniature flying bugbear, I call her Terror!” Twilight answered proudly.

“Wait, what? I thought you said you were working on a line of new weapons for the recruits, I gave you an entire day after you were hired!” Celestia screeched in rage as Twilight looked at her in confusion.

“Oh, you were serious?” Twilight asked with a nervous laugh.

“Gods damn it!” Celestia screamed as she slapped her hands to her head with a groan.

Yep, Fluttershy now had no doubt in her mind that it was going to be a long day.

Author's Note

I'm honestly very excited for this one. I love Archer and I wanted to make something along the lines of the same vein. Naturally it's not edited but if some one would like to help or proofread it would mean a lot, I'm sorry I'm not great with describing clothes so if I could get help with that as well it would be a big help and naturally you'll get credit, until then I won't really go into detail with clothes. I'm going to have so much fun with this story, there is a lot to go through in later chapters so I hope I can make you laugh. Hope you all like it, until next time.