Self-Doubt
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Trust Once Lost

Self-Doubt

My anger didn't feel right. In my old body, when I was angry, I felt powerful. I would have been able to feel the coiled strength of my muscles, and the heady sense of invulnerability that went along with a sudden adrenaline hit. I would have felt like I was holding myself back from doing damage to something. Now it felt like all I was holding back was a temper tantrum.

Weakness and vulnerability were things I'd never been willing to accept in myself, and I'd been fortunate that I'd never had to. Growing up, I was always taller and stronger than average, something I had my dad to thank for, both with his genetics and his efforts to keep me involved in some kind of sport even when I'd have preferred to be reading or playing video games. From age thirteen I chose martial arts.

On the rare occasions I was forced into a fight at school I ended it swiftly and decisively, without injuring anyone. I was miserable at school, and looking back I can admit I was lonely, but I never feared for my physical safety, and that was something I took great comfort in.

This new body was weak. The years of training I had put into training my balance, reflexes and movement counted for nothing. All I had left was my mind, and now my mental toughness had failed me too.

I was weak, lost, and scared but, rather than wish someone was here to comfort me, I was relieved that no-one else was around to see my moment of weakness.

As I lay there on the river bank, watching the sky turn orange, I sighed. My adrenaline had ebbed, my fatigue and the dull ache of my muscles returning.

You're such an idiot, I said in my head. I didn't want to hear my new voice.

I tried to tell myself that I didn't care what anyone else thought of me, but here I was, in a life and death situation, terrified of anyone seeing me look weak. I realised in that moment that, while I didn't care about people underestimating me, the thought of people seeing me when I was actually helpless was terrifying.

I glared at the pile of sticks as if trying to set them alight with sheer force of will. Which given I was a magical unicorn should have been entirely possible. I went cross-eyed looking at my horn, but there wasn't so much as a glow.

I'd done my best without any hands or tools. Under the pile of sticks was a pyramid of small twigs for kindling painstakingly arranged by mouth, and inside that was some dried out moss which I hoped would work as tinder.

I understood the theory of starting a fire by rubbing sticks together, but I'd only ever done it once, almost two decades ago, and at that time I had made a bow drill using my bootlaces.

The concept of a bow drill is pretty straightforward if you've ever seen one; you wrap your string around a stick and then you pull the string side to side to make it rotate rapidly, rubbing the end against a piece of wood until the friction created an ember which you could use to light your tinder.

I didn't have any string, and even if I'd wanted to make some string by braiding together plant fibers, I didn't know how to do that without hands. I also knew you could start a fire by spinning a stick between your palms, though it was much more difficult, especially for a child or someone with small hands.

So I sat in the dark, trying not to shiver while I twirled a stick I had pressed between my two front hooves. A few times I got a good rhythm going for a couple minutes, but inevitably the stick would slip from between my hooves which led to cursing as I frantically tried to get the stick back into position before the tip cooled off too much.

I was so tired. With my old body I knew I could go a night without sleep, and then even most of the next day before I truly crashed. Right now I felt like I'd been up two straight days. I was biting my tongue to try to stay awake, but my mouth still felt a bit numb. I smashed my hoof down on a rock, and it hurt, I couldn't stop the hot tears running down my face, but it didn't reduce my fatigue any.

When my eyes closed for a couple moments, I saw flashes of a dream, people's voices, the sounds of them moving around, and it took a second to reorient myself as I wrestled my consciousness back from the brink. I thought I saw smoke coming from the stick at one point, but it might have been a dream, or my eyes playing tricks in the dark; In any case, it wasn't the ember I needed to light the fire.

I don't know how much of my attempt to start the fire I dreamed, and how much was real, but at some point I fell asleep.

Contrary to the common trope, someone who's severely sleep deprived doesn't fall into a dreamless sleep. Quite the opposite; the more sleep deprived you are, the faster you will progress into REM sleep.

I knew I was dreaming, but I couldn't wake up. Having lucid dreams wasn't uncommon for me, but rarely did I have omnipotence in them. I could change the dream a bit, like making myself invulnerable, or erasing parts of the dream I didn't like, but I couldn't fully choose what I wanted to dream about.

I was dreaming about myself, in my present situation, and I was being attacked by timberwolves. It terrified me.

I knew they couldn't actually harm me in my dream, but at the same moment I was sleeping out in the open, too exhausted to even put up a fight. I'd made a terrible mistake and there was nothing I could do but hope and pray that nothing bad would happen to my body while I was unconscious.

In Equestria, it turned out, the local deities responded to prayers in a much more immediate and unambiguous way than they did back home.

In a flash of magic, a midnight blue alicorn appeared, standing over top of me protectively. Her size was on a scale such that I could have hidden myself behind one of her legs as an anxious foal might behind the foreleg of its mother. The timber wolves froze in place.

"Fear not, my little pony!" she exclaimed, heroically, "I have heard your call. Nothing shall harm you in my domain!"

I knew why she chose this protective posture, yet my human mind immediately jumped to the lewder implication of being underneath her. Blushing, I scrambled out from the compromising position, moving into a bow.

"P-princess Luna! You're, uh." don't say bigger, don't say bigger, don't say bigger, "Taller than I expected."

Smooth.

Luna looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Rise, my little pony." She instructed, "You are dreaming. What you see before you cannot harm you."

"I know."

"You know this is a dream?" She questioned, "Then why does it frighten you so? I felt your waves of terror all the way from Canterlot."

"Afraid of these?" I asked, reducing the timberwolves to ash and cinders with a wave of my tiny hoof. "No. I haven't feared my dreams since I was twelve."

Luna gave me an appraising look.

"While I'm here, my body is in danger, in the real world." I explained, "I'm not sure exactly how much danger but, based on how badly I screwed everything else up today, I'll probably die of hypothermia or something."

Luna's serene expression morphed into one of shocked outrage.

"You're out in the cold? Who has done this?" She demanded, "No pony should be forced out into the cold simply for making mistakes!"

This was the critical point, I could either pretend to be a lost pony and be assured of her aid, or I could tell the truth and risk whatever came along with that. She might have thought that I was crazy, or dangerous, or perhaps that it was some kind of joke.

I could tell an easy lie, or I could trust another person. So obviously I chose the lie.

"What?" I exclaimed, "No, nopony did this to me, I'm just lost, and I can't remember how I got here, or much of anything really."

The trick to telling a convincing lie is to believe it while you're saying it.

I was lost, I didn’t know how I got here, and while someone might think I meant no-one had transported me here what I really meant in my head was that it was my own fault for getting myself into the present situation. There was no way for me to know if I was missing any memories, or even if my human memories were real. I didn't really have any doubt, but I could entertain that idea easily enough. After all, there was no evidence they were real, apart from their internal consistency. If someone could change my location and body on a whim, why would it be unbelievable for them to fabricate a lifetime of human memories and inserting them into my pony brain?

I was lying by telling the truth. Just to smooth over any misunderstandings. That wasn't taking advantage of anyone, it was just being pragmatic. I'm not a bad person.

"I know it's asking a lot, but could you send somepony to come save me?" I asked, rubbing the back of my head in embarrassment, "I'm not really as much of a survivalist as I thought I was. I don't have any food, and I couldn't get a fire started."

And I'm so terrified of screwing up and dying that gave myself a full-blown panic attack. I didn't feel comfortable saying that last part out loud; it was bad enough she could sense my fear, I couldn't stand the thought of actually admitting it.

Even now I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t need her help, that when I woke up, I could keep working the problem; just because I’d failed the first day didn’t mean I was helpless now. I could figure out how to start a fire, I could try other foods. I could follow the river to the sea if I had to, and then I’d work my way along the coast.

Luna’s expression changed to one of worry and my hope for the rescue I was pretending not to need was abruptly yanked away.

“I’m afraid my magic won’t be able to find you that precisely,” she explained, “I can feel you are far away, but directions in the dream realm cannot be translated into real coordinates. You truly have no idea of your location?”

“Ah well, it was worth a shot,” I sighed, “thanks for trying anyway.”

“Fear not, young one,” Luna encouraged, “we have the power of crown and country behind us, you shall not be abandoned!”

“No!” I said hurriedly, “You don’t have to do that, I’ll be fine, really! I can find my own way, I don’t want the whole country searching for me like I’m some helpless foal!”

What are you saying, you lunatic?! You’re willing to risk death out in the wilderness just so people won’t be inconvenienced by searching for you?

The rational part of my mind was screaming at me, but my emotional side was much less encouraging.

You’re lying to them, they shouldn’t have to waste their effort on someone who’s just taking advantage of their trust and goodwill.

Luna looked at me sadly.

Idiot! You’re making her feel sorry for you! Now she’s going to worry about your mental wellbeing too and she’s definitely going to start a search. They’re all going to be worried sick trying to find their lost pony and when the truth comes out, they’ll hate you forever!

In a sudden shift in the dreamscape Luna was behind me, a wing wrapped around me protectively.

“Oh little one, I know you're no foal,” She tried to comfort me, “You're a brave little filly, but there is no shame in needing help. Everypony needs help sometimes, even princesses.”

Oh.

I was a child.

That put things a few things in a different context.

I was lost, hungry, scared, and I was a child. Of course she would be so intent on finding me. The pony equivalent of an AMBER alert was probably spreading across all of Equestria by now.

Well now I had to get myself rescued as quickly as possible, to stop ponies from worrying about me, if nothing else. I could still be proactive.

First things first, I allowed Luna to comfort me. She was trying to calm a frightened child so if I wasn't soothed it would only add to her worries.

I relaxed and slowed my breathing, feeling her warmth and her kind intentions as they radiated in the dreamscape. I managed to make myself believe at least for a while that I was actually just a lost filly.

"We know there is something you are not telling us." I felt Luna's voice rumble in her chest which I had pressed to my cheek in her hug. She felt me tense up in an involuntary response I couldn't suppress. "We shall not force thee to share, but heed our words for we know well the folly of hiding our burdens from those who would help us bear them."

She knows.

Dammit, I have to fix this. Okay, she knows I'm lying which means she thinks she knows when I'm lying. Which means whatever I say next she'll think is a lie because she's actively looking for signs I'm lying. So if I say something I want her to think I'm trying to lie about - damn, what does she know?

All right, I'm a lost child she found who is pretending not to remember anything - oh. Damn, that's dark. She thinks I'm a runaway; a potential abuse victim who doesn't trust anyone, doesn't want to talk about their family, doesn't want to make a fuss because they're afraid their abuser will find them again.

Looking at it from her perspective, if I'd been treating a child who raised half the red flags I had displayed in front of Luna I would have already summoned security and be halfway through dialing child services.

I couldn't tell her the truth even if I wanted to now, she just straight up wouldn't believe me. A child who was already lying to her, that she assumed was trying to hide their abuse, coming out with such an outlandish story? Even if I somehow convinced her I was being honest, she would just think I was delusional.

I couldn’t think of anything to say. Any specific denial would be taken as confirmation and I had already ruled out telling the truth. All right fine, dodge the question. It’s not really lying, even if it will give her the wrong impression.

“Princess, I don’t know how long I have here before I wake up,” I explained, channeling fear and urgency into my voice, hoping to give plausible deniability to why I was changing the subject, “I really need some advice on some more immediate problems - can you show me how to light a fire without matches? Or show me what food I can safely eat?”

Luna gave me a steady look. Clearly she knew exactly what I was doing but, after a moment of piercing eye contact, she took pity and decided not to call me out on it.

“Woodcraft is not one of our fields of expertize.” Luna explained, “If you wish we may invite another into this dream that can better assist you.”

I spotted the imprecise language she had used. The implication I was supposed to take was that she was inviting someone to assist me with woodcraft, but the two statements felt deliberately separated. If I was reading between the lines correctly, she wanted to invite some kind of child expert who would be better at talking to a child in my situation. I wasn’t sure, but if I just went along with it, I would find out if Luna was being dishonest. If she thought I was a dumb kid that wouldn’t pick up on that sort of thing, it was to my advantage not to dissuade her of the notion.

“Of course!” I said, focusing on the excitement of finding out whether I was right, rather than the disappointment that I wasn’t going to get what I was asking for, since it lined up with the expected response if I’d been ignorant.

“Excuse us for one moment.” Luna instructed, relieved I had accepted the offer of assistance, which gave more weight to the theory she was manipulating me into accepting help. “We shall return with another who can aid you.”

Luna was gone in a flash, and I was alone in the dreamscape again. One thing was for sure, I wasn’t lying about needing the advice. In practical terms, I’d checked off the first and most important item; I’d managed to get a call for help out and people were searching for me. The second and third items on the list were finding a way to signal my location to my rescuers and surviving until they found me.

Author's Note

Edited: v1.1

Self-Incrimination
View Online

Trust Once Lost

Self-Incrimination

I woke with a full bladder and I took care of it. Having different plumbing was a bit odd to be sure, but taking a piss in the forest isn’t exactly rocket science so I managed just fine, thank you very much.

The other ache in my abdomen was the emptiness of hunger, but the sensation had lessened somewhat since yesterday. Fasting for twenty-four hours was something I expected my patients to manage without complaint, it would be hypocritical of me to whine about it so soon.

Rationalizations were fine, but I was still really hungry.

All right, so hear me out. Luna told me to stay by the river and wait for rescue, but that didn’t mean I had to stay put. If I followed the river upstream, I could find higher ground to figure out where I was and still be by the river if anypony actually did find me. It wasn’t lying; it was just creative interpretation.

My lungs burned and my legs ached at the strain of trekking uphill across rocky ground. My endurance still sucked, but accounting for the fact that I was a child that made perfect sense. I brought back my pace a little so I could stay below the aerobic threshold, breathing as deeply as I could with my smaller lungs. As a human adult this level of exertion would have been a steady jog, but as a filly, and traveling uphill, all I could manage was a walk.

The boulders up ahead looked promising. More rocky terrain meant fewer trees. With any luck, I could get a better view. They also presented a problem. Boulder hopping was difficult enough as a human. As a pony I wasn’t sure I’d have the strength and stamina for it. The alternative was to wander away from the river and look for an easier way up. The obvious downside to this was that it would take longer and I wouldn’t be near the river if anypony came looking for me. The third option was to stay put and wait for rescue, but I’d already decided against that this morning so it didn’t require too much thought.

I took a break and drank some more cool water from the river. My coat was... er, coated in a sheen of sweat and I took some time to enjoy my intact, healthy skin that I didn’t have an irresistible urge to tear off with my fingernails. It was a good thing too since I’m not sure how I’d manage that without fingers. I examined one of my hooves. It did have a layer of skin and fur on the underside, but underneath that thin layer was a solid hoof a softer frog on the inside. I wasn’t sure how the skin on the underside of the hoof wasn’t destroyed when it got crushed between the hoof and the ground, all I could say for sure was that it was a lot tougher than human skin. The hoof wasn’t as hard as that of a horse on Earth; it felt more like some kind of cartilage which I could flex slightly with effort, certainly not enough to grab anything though. I knew ponies could grasp things with their hooves so that must be another kind of magic I had yet to learn.

I could remember that mountain goats on Earth had flexible ‘rubber like’ hooves which enabled them to climb rocky terrain, even near vertical slopes. I looked up at the boulders ahead of me. I guess it was time to find out if I was part mountain goat.

I wasn’t.

From my bouldering ability I had determined that even if there had been any mountain goats in my lineage they’d have disowned me out of shame.

As I leaped from one boulder to the next, I’d more than once had my hooves slip on the occasional patch of moss. I’d have some bruises on my chest and sides, but nothing serious. That is until one boulder moved.

I was dripping with sweat, my oversized eyes burned as I struggled to wipe sweat out of them with an even sweatier foreleg. I jumped, and landed. Then the world shifted.

I tried to keep my balance, but I fell. The wind was knocked out of me distracting me just long enough that I didn’t notice until too late that the stone was tipping towards me. I barely had time to flinch, instinctively raising my foreleg in a futile attempt to hold back the massive rock. I squeezed my eyes shut.

Crunch!

The pain hit me like nothing I’d felt before. The spike of pain was so intense that my vision flashed and I may have passed out for a moment. I don’t know how long I was in that state, but after some amount of time the pain reduced to a sharp throb as every part of my body vibrated with energy. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it would explode; my skin felt cold as ice.

At this point I could tell the pain was coming from my right foreleg. I finally opened my eyes, but I couldn’t see my foreleg. It was under the boulder.

If there was ever a time to panic, it would have been then, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. My body was as keyed up as it was possible to be and had no level of panic above this to go to. Instead, all emotions and irrelevant thoughts had disappeared from my mind.

Leg is trapped under rock.

Lift rock?

No, rock too heavy.

Try to move leg, feel it moving. Ouch. Pain.

Not crushed flat? Why?

Oh, can see ground is soft.

Try to pull out leg. Ouch. Leg won’t move.

Not supposed to bend there, bone is broken, sharp inside leg. Ow.

The spike of pain was enough to slow my thoughts somewhat and allowed me to remember my training.

First Aid.

DRSABCDD-BBB

Unable to move from danger, responsive; skip resus, assess blood, burns, breaks.

Am I bleeding? Can’t see.

Removal of crushing object may cause fatal hemorrhage.

Do not remove crushing object, wait for medics.

Don’t trust medics to find me in time, must self-rescue.

Apply tourniquet.

Don’t have one.

Improvise tourniquet.

Unable.

Hitting that dead-end slowed my thoughts even further. Even if I could have made a tourniquet, I didn’t have a way to lift the rock and, even if I wanted to, I had no means of amputating my leg; but maybe I didn’t have to. If I could dig out the dirt underneath my foreleg that should allow me to pull it free. That still left the problem of potential hemorrhage though. I wasn’t sure if I was bleeding at all, but with rescue so far away any serious blood loss would likely be a death sentence. I only had two choices at this point. Lay under this rock and trust they would find me before I died or risk a much faster death by digging myself out.

If I stayed, the shock was going to wear off, the pain would return, and there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it. Call me a coward, but I was afraid and willing to face death.

I dug the hole deeper. It was agonizing work. Touching my leg sent a wave of pain that made the muscles tense, which was even more painful as they pulled on broken bones. When I made progress, it meant the leg was no longer supported by the earth underneath it, which caused it to bend, because I couldn’t hold it up under its own power.

It was with one of these painful spasms that my foreleg finally came free. My vision flashed again as the indescribable pain returned. The next thing I remember is laying on my back, cradling my injured leg against my chest. There were tears streaming down my face as the leg throbbed, but I managed to hold it up long enough to inspect the damage.

The lower leg was bruised and bent out of shape. I could see one fragment of what would have been my radius, if I were human, causing the skin to bulge outwards but thankfully not piercing it. There was some blood but only from superficial cuts and scrapes. It was swollen, but hopefully not swollen enough to restrict blood flow. With no fingers I couldn’t take my radial pulse, but the throbbing in my hoof was a good indication that there was still blood flow.

I cradled the hoof against my chest and found the position that caused the least pain. Then I passed out.

Luna was standing in front of me the moment my dream began; she must have some way to tell when I’m sleeping.

“Princess Luna,” I bowed awkwardly, in the dream realm my body was whole again, but I still felt a phantom pain in my broken leg, “Uh, hi.”

Luna gave me the same neutral expression she had and the end of our last conversation. Clearly she was hiding how she felt about this situation, but beyond that I couldn’t see anything. Her poker face was too good.

“Young filly, we shall give you a chance to be honest with us.” Luna said flatly, “If thou art truthful in thy words we will not be mad with thee.”

If her increasing use of muddled middle English was any indication on how strongly she felt about the situation, she either really pissed or... something else.

I still had no idea what secret she thought she knew about me, but with my new outlook on the situation I didn’t have to lie. This was my body, this had always been my body, my human memories happened to the original, not to me. I wasn’t sure if the original was real, so describing it as imaginary wouldn’t be a lie.

Perhaps this was about a more recent lie though. I knew she could vaguely track my distance from her in the dream realm. So maybe she just knew that I hadn’t stayed in one spot like I promised.

“So, uh,” I began sheepishly, “Remember how you told me to stay by the river?”

Luna kept her face neutral while she expertly raised one eyebrow.

“We hath told thee to cease thy wandering.” She corrected.

“Er, yeah,” I conceded, “So that may not have gone entirely as we planned.”

Luna opened her mouth to speak, and I flinched at what I expected to be the Royal Canterlot Voice.

Seeing this Luna sighed, her blank expression dropped and - was that guilt? She walked towards me and I reflexively stepped back to keep a comfortable distance. Internally I kicked myself, the look of hurt that briefly flashed across her face confirmed she had taken it the wrong way.

“I’m sorry!” I squeaked (seriously, even in the dream realm my voice squeaks?), “I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m just not comfortable around pe-ponies that are taller than me.”

Hopefully tha- OH GOD WHAT DID I JUST SAY! Crap crap crap crap.

Seeing my look of panic, Luna’s horn glowed. She was getting ready to leave.

“Wait, don’t go!” I called out urgently, “I need -”

While I was talking Luna’s form had shifted to that of a blue alicorn filly no taller than I was. She cut me off by pressing a hoof to my mouth, smiling sadly at me.

“Please, be at ease,” She reassured, “I will not abandon thee. I’m sorry to have scared you.”

She sat down on her haunches in front of me. My god she was so adorable I just wanted to hug her. You know, she would probably let me - No, focus. Important stuff first, once in a lifetime chance to hug Woona later.

“Look, I’m sorry,” I tried to put on a more serious tone with my tiny, high-pitched voice, “I didn’t mean to cause you so much trouble, but, well, I made a mistake.”

“It’s okay,” she reassured, “I’m not angry with you, just tell me what happened.”

“I was worried you wouldn’t be able to find me,” I explained, “So I was trying to get to higher ground to find a view where I could see some landmarks - I stayed by the river in case you did find me - but I kinda, broke my leg.”

The expression of shocked concern on Woona’s face was absolutely devastating.

“No, wait, don’t worry!” I rushed out, “It’s not life threatening or anything, it’s a simple fracture, nothing broke the skin, feels like both bones in the foreleg fractured transversely? Could be wrong though. It’s really lucky actually, with a crush injury like that I was expecting multiple fractures. I’ll be fine, just uh... try to get here soon ok?”

I gave a pained smile and tactfully didn’t mention the part where I had thought I would bleed out. My reassurances seemed to have the opposite of the intended effect.

“Thou hast received injuries like these before?” she asked in shock.

“Well, once-” I started, “uh, well I mean I can’t remember if it’s happened to me -”

Woona leaned forward and hugged me, and I hugged her back. Her grip trembled with emotion.

“Please,” she implored, “Please trust us, we know not who has caused you such fear, but you must believe us when we say there is nothing you could tell us that would make us abandon thee.”

I sighed, “Look, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad I -”

There was an earthquake in the dream realm.

“What’s going on?” I asked urgently.

Luna’s mask of non-expression had returned, and it looked adorably out of place on little Woona’s body.

“Something is happening in the real world, you’re waking up.” She informed, “Have faith my little pony, we will find you.”

As I was dragged helplessly from the soothing land of dreams to the pain-addled semi-lucid hell-scape that was the closest approximation of awake I could manage at the moment, I just wanted to cry at the unfairness of it all. So I did.

Three timberwolves were circling around me. You know what? I give up. If the world wanted me to die that badly, so be it. I was too tired to fight, too tired to even open my eyes fully. Death would be a relief at this point.

“I-is she dead?” Squeaked one of the timberwolves.

“O’ ‘course not!” replied another, “She’s still breathin’, but she’s hurt bad!”

If timberwolves could talk, maybe they could be reasoned with.

“Please!” I sobbed, “Please don’t hurt me! I don’t wanna die. I-”

My thoughts were muddled, and I hissed in pain as my leg throbbed. The swelling had increased; it hurt to move the joint; it hurt when air blew over it the swollen mass.

The timberwolves had backed off for the moment and were whispering amongst themselves. All right, while there were distracted, now was my chance. I had to escape. I tried to crawl but gave up almost immediately when my injured leg dragged along the ground. It was all I could do to stifle the scream of agony. Taking a couple deep breaths I managed to stand on three hooves, my injured leg curled against my barrel. I had barely started hobbling away when the strangely colorful timberwolves were upon me again.

“Hey, wait!” The blurry orange timberwolf called out to me in a raspy voice, “We’re not gonna hurt you! We came to rescue you!”

“It’s true,” The blurry white timberwolf added, “We snuck out to join the search so we could get our cuite marks in search and rescue!”

“Impossible!” I spat, “Timberwolves don’t get cutie marks!”

The timberwolves froze in place, stunned by my flawless logic.

I kept hobbling away from them, but it wasn’t long before they had me surrounded again. They were just too fast for me.

“Hey, uh, lost filly, whatever yer’ name is,” The yellow one spoke now, “No offense, but ‘yer not blind or nuthin’ are ya?”

It took me a moment to process that.

“What?” I answered, “No. Why?”

The orange one did some kind of acrobatic flip and landed in front of me, grabbing my muzzle between her strangely hard paws.

“Then open up your eyes!” She exclaimed, “We’re not timberwolves!”

I cracked my eyes open and now it was my turn to freeze in shock. Scootaloo was working with the timberwolves!

Wait.

Oh.

Ohhhhhh.

I would have facehoofed if my only working foreleg wasn’t required for me to stand. I felt faint and sat back on my haunches. I took more deep breaths and tried to clear my mind a bit. The pain in my leg was impossible to ignore.

“I’m sorry I thought y’all were timberwolves,” I was so tired my words were coming out slurred, “‘am ‘jus, not ‘sactly thinkin’ straight, y’know? I din’ mean ta’ say y’weren’t gonna get ‘yer cutiemarks, thas’ just mean.”

“Uh, that’s okay,” Sweetie Belle said uncertainly, glancing at the other two Crusaders.

“In fact, I know y’all’ll get yer marks,” I slurred, everything was kinda spinny and dizzying, “What season are we in now?”

“Spring?” Applebloom offered, “How long have ya been out here ta’ ferget what season it is?”

“Nah, not that kind of season. Look season five you all get your cuite marks,” I winked conspiratorially, “but keep that a secret okay, I’ve already said too much.”

I didn’t have the coordination with this body’s facial muscles to wink so it was more of a conspiratorial blink.

“Ooookay then!” Scootaloo snarked, circling a hoof around her ear in the universal ‘this pony is crazy’ gesture.

“Hey, that’s not nice!” Applebloom clipped her in the back of the head with a hoof.

Scootaloo turned on her angrily.

“Hey!”

“Girls!” Sweetie yelled, drawing their attention away from their spat. “We need to get back, it’s going to get dark soon!”

“All right Crusaders,” Apple Bloom called out, “In tha’ filly guides they told us if somepony gets injured that one pony stays with them and the other two go to get help.”

“Hey, I’m not crippled you know!” I interjected.

They all looked at my broken leg.

“That doesn’t count, I still have three perfectly good legs,” I argued, “Now which way is Ponyville?”

The Crusaders looked at me uncertainly.

“What?” I asked, offended.

Once I had my mind set on a goal, it was as simple as putting one hoof ahead of the other. I could ignore pain, I could ignore everything and just focus on the task. I couldn’t give up, not when I told them I could do it, otherwise I’d be weak and pathetic.

It became a kind of trance. I honestly don’t remember much of it. I think they were talking about me, but I didn’t have the energy to listen. I stumbled a few times, but managed to get back up. At one point they might have tried carrying me, but if they did, I managed to push them off.

It wasn’t until we broke the treeline that I stumbled and fell, and couldn’t make myself get up again. I tried, but I was dizzy and my muscles were so weak.

“You kids go on ahead,” I instructed, “I’ll catch up, I just need to catch my breath.”

I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them the Crusaders had a cart and I was in no fit state to argue when they forcibly loaded me into it.

I regained conciousness breifly when someone twisted my broken leg, but I couldn’t manage more than a whimper; The pony responsible was wearing surgical scrubs and looked appropriately apologetic.

I can’t remember anything after that, probably from the anesthetic side effects.

When I awoke, I was in a bed and there were technicolor ponies surrounding me. I felt disconnected, like I was viewing things from behind my own eyes. I was shivering, but I didn't feel cold, I just felt numb, and floaty.

"Are you all right?" asked one of the ponies, "Do you have any pain?"

I heard the question, but it didn't really sink in. Instead, I just said what was on my mind.

"H-how d-did I g-get he-re?" I managed to ask through chattering teeth. The shivers in my body were getting worse.

I drifted off for a second and suddenly ponies were packing heated blankets around my body. The warmth felt amazing, and I started to drift off again when one of the ponies spoke.

"Don't worry, you're safe here," he said in a practiced, reassuring tone, "What you're feeling is a normal reaction to the anesthetic. Just rest now, let us know if you're in pain or you feel like you're going to throw up."

I smiled dopily. It was funny to be on the other side of this for once.

Wait. No. There was something important I was forgetting.

"I know where I am, it's just, how did I get here, ya know?" I asked again, "It doesn't make any sense."

"You were in the forest, you broke your foreleg and were brought here to Ponyville General so we could fix it." The pony explained.

"No!" I was exasperated now, "Not like, here, like here, ya know? One moment this guy tells me he's going to 'make me a mare' and the next I'm in the forest. Do I look like a mare to you? Nah, I'm just a little filly so what's he playing at?"

The horrified expressions of the ponies were confusing to me.

"Did I say something wrong?" I asked groggily.

Nah, it probably wasn't important. I slipped back into the tempting embrace of sleep.

Author's Note

Edited: v1.1

Supplemental: Patient Notes 1
View Online

Trust Once Lost

Supplemental: Patient Notes 1

*GREEN* (F)
MRN: 132719
Admitted: 12/5/04
Red Cross, M.D.

12/5/04 19:52
Unicorn Filly, name ukn, age ukn, assumed 8-10y/o, presenting to emergency with reduced LOC (GCS:9), lower RFL hematoma; gross deformity ?#, superficial cuts and bruises.

V:
Febrile 100.7F
HR 102
BP 97/42
sats 98% on RA
BGL: 4.3
Ht: 2’3”
Wt: 52lb

N:
Rousable to pain
Speech slurred and incoherent
Pupils 30mm, equal and reactive
Non-compliant with hoof grip assessment
Nil facial droop, good strength in all limbs

C:
EKG no anomalies
Peripheral pulses strong
Severe hematoma lower RFL
Capillary refill <1s
IVC in situ lower LFL; 80mL/hr NS; patent and secure

R:
RR 22
98% on RA
Regular and unlaboured
Lung sounds clear

GI:
All teeth intact
Bowel sounds normal
Nil distension or masses on abdo palpation
BNO
NBM

GU:
Has not voided
Bladder not distended on palpation
Nil external signs of sexual trauma

M:
Gross deformity ?# lower RFL
Muscle strength normal

I:
Multiple superficial lesions (see body chart)
Coat appears healthy
Nil signs of healed injuries
Skin hot and sweaty

P:
Ukn

Hx: witnesses report Green was found injured and unconscious in the Everfree Forest. Witnesses report Green became confused and disoriented upon waking. Witness states “she thought we were timberwolves” and reports that Green was initially resistant until she could be reoriented. Witness states that Green “limped about ten miles” before collapsing. Nil Medical Hx as patient is unidentified.

CTB for urgent review
CXR, RFLXR, Dental XR for age estimation
CRP, CBC, EUC, LFT, Tox Screen, INR, XM
Cath for Urine Sample, UA, UDS, UCx
Place tracking spell for absconsion risk
NBM for surgery
For Ortho review
For Neuro review
For Social Worker review

Dr Red Cross, M.D.

Author's Note

Glossary
LOC: Level Of Consciousness
GCS: Glascow Coma Scale (range 3-15, higher is better)
RFL: Right Foreleg
LFL: Left Foreleg
RHL: Right Hind Leg
LHL: Left Hind Leg
Hematoma: Internal bleeding
?: Query

: Fracture

Febrile: Has a fever
HR: Heart Rate
BP: Blood Pressure
Sats: Blood oxygen saturation (above 95% is normal)
BGL: Blood Glucose Level (4-6 is normal, 4-10 is 'safe' for a diabetic; this is an oversimplification but we won't get into that here)
EKG: Electro Cardiogram
IVC: IntraVenous Canulla; an 'IV drip'
in situ: is currently in place
NS: Normal Saline
RR Respiration Rate
RA: Room Air
BNO: Bowels Not Open; has not defecated
NBM: Nil By Mouth; not allowed to eat or drink
Voided: Urinated
Palpation: Examination by touch
Lesion: part of an organ or tissue that has suffered damage; in this context refers to cuts, bruises, scrapes and scratches on the skin
Cath: Catheterise; in this case ordering the insertion of a urinary catheter.

Radiology Tests:
CTB: CT brain scan; a 3D xray image
CXR: Chest Xray
RFLXR: Right Foreleg Xray

Pathology Tests:
CRP: C-Reactive Protien
CBC: Complete Blood Count
EUC: Electrolytes, Urea, Creatinine
LFT: Liver Function Tests
Tox Screen: Toxicology Screen
INR: A clotting factor test
XM: Type and Cross Match (Blood Typing)
UA: Urinalysis
UDS: Urine Drug Screening
UCx: Urine culture (tests for bacterial infection)

Edited: v1.1

Delirium
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Trust Once Lost

Delirium

I woke to a beeping sound. Oh right, I was in the hospital. I climbed out of bed, looking at my leg cast with disdain. Ugh, that was just great. I felt nauseated and had to stand still for a few seconds to settle my stomach. I couldn’t even remember which hospital I was in.

I smoothed out the patient's bed I had been napping on as best I could with one hoof. Wait, hoof? Oh right, I was a pony now. My name was Green - that’s what they’ve been calling me. I looked around for my clipboard, which would have the handover sheet with my notes so I could remember what the heck was going on, but gave up when I heard another beep. I sighed. Why can’t they just answer patient calls, they must know I’m on my break. I walked out into the hall, squinting as my eyes struggled to adjust to the brighter lights, my eyes hurt.

I saw the call light above a patient room and knocked softly before entering. I grumbled for a moment about not knowing how to answer the call light in this facility, but such was life when you were working for an agency.

"Hi," I greeted, "My name is Green, I'm one of the nurses looking after you tonight, did you need some help?"

A red stallion with both his forelegs in plaster looked at me and smiled.

"I think you're a little young to be a nurse sweetie." The stallion condescended.

I gave him a stern expression.

"Aren't you the cutest lil' thing!" He exclaimed, "Are you lost?"

Ugh, I was too tired for this crap.

"Sir, please don't refer to me or my colleagues with that type of language, it's disrespectful." I explained curtly, "We are professionals. We treat you with respect and we would ask that you give us the same courtesy."

The patient looked appropriately contrite, but also very confused. Maybe I should check his mental state?

"Green!" There was a stern voice from behind me, "What are you doing?"

I cocked my head to the side in confusion and followed the other nurse out into the hallway.

"Green," The blue nurse scolded, "I know you're trying to help, but you can't go in other patient's rooms, okay?"

"Geeze, all right," I rolled my eyes, "It's not like I'm trying to steal your patients. Have you seen my handover sheet? I can't find it anywhere."

The pink Pegasus at the nurses' station covered her mouth with a wing before bursting into a fit of giggles.

"Oh Celestia!" She exclaimed, "That's so adorable!"

"Please don't encourage her." The blue Unicorn had broken eye contact and was clearly suppressing the urge to smile.

"All right Greenie," The pink Pegasus said in a bubbly voice, "Let's get you back to bed and you can worry about all that in the morning, okay?"

The pink Pegasus burst forward with a small flap of her wings and I had the sudden fear that she would crash into me, she was so much bigger than me, I’d be crushed. I leaped away - and smacked my cast into the wall.

Pain erupted from my leg. I let out a short scream of pain before I managed to force my mouth closed. I squeezed tight my eyes and I could feel tears forming.

It will pass. Focus. Breathe.

"Oh my gosh," The nurse exclaimed, "Are you okay?"

"I'll live." I tried to keep my voice even. I failed and had to choke back a sob.

It took three long, shuddering breath cycles before the pain reduced to a level where I could relax enough to open my eyes.

Two enormous eyes filled my vision, staring at me. I jerked my head back, quickly getting to my hooves - and smashing my head into the handrail on the wall. There was an audible thunk, but it didn't really hurt at all, at least not compared to my leg. I heard a gasp of shocked concern from the nurse.

"I'm okay!" I said automatically, "Sorry, I'm just a bit clumsy tonight. Ugh, so tired. Can you watch my patients for a moment while I get some coffee?"

The world was tinted blue, and she gently lifted me into the air. It didn't feel like I was falling, or being lifted by anything. I was more like floating in pleasantly warm, but fizzy water. I could feel the concern and reassurance of the Unicorn flowing through the magic she was using to lift me.

When she tucked me into bed, I could barely keep my eyes open.

"I'm jus' gonna res' my eyes for a momen'." I mumbled, "Wake me if anything happens, okay?"

I yawned.

"Just get some rest." She said in a soothing tone, "We'll take care of everything."

"You guys are awesome..." I drifted off before I even finished the sentence.

Author's Note

Edited: v1.1

Supplemental: Patient Notes 2
View Online

Trust Once Lost

Supplemental: Patient Notes 2

*GREEN* (F)
MRN: 132719
Admitted: 12/5/04
Red Cross, M.D.

12/5/04 23:45
Patient received in post op recovery at 2330 following Managuided Closed-Field Relocation and Internal Fixation of RFL #.

All obs in normal range.
Shivering ++ but normothermic.
RFL plaster cast in situ.

Patient rousable by voice, confusion and disorientation apparent. Patient reoriented.

Patient states that she remembers a "guy" telling her that he was going to "make me a mare" before being left alone in the forest. See hospital internal incident report #1357032 and interagency mandatory reporting tool report #F3479-432 for followup.

Nil pain or distress noted. Patient is resting comfortably ATOR.
Goodcheer, RN PACU

13/5/04 00:30
Patient transferred to ward.
Patient rousable to voice, remains confused and disoriented.
Non-compliant with hoof grip assessment, all other RFL vas obs normal.
IDC in situ and draining well, for removal mane as per Dr Stone
Cloudy Skies, RN

13/5/04 06:42
Post op obs completed, nil abnormalities.

Patient slept soundly overnight and was cooperative with care. Patient alert and pleasantly confused this morning, somewhat oriented but remains vague.

Patient aware of her disorientation and responded to queries by reading her ID bracelet. Green is very impressionable and when introduced to nursing staff claimed she was also a nurse.

IDC removed, tip sighted; awaiting void post removal.

Patient denies pain ATOR.
Cloudy Skies, RN

13/5/04 08:37
Patient appears anxious and requests assistance will all ADLs. Assisted patient with toileting (PUIT) and shower. Patient cries and states “I’m sorry for being so useless, I’m wasting all your time.”

Reassured patient and returned patient to bed.

Patient ate all breakfast items, requested assistance claiming she didn’t know how to use cutlery. Patient returned to sleep after breakfast.
Redheart, RN

13/5/04 11:25
Woke patient for interview with Lunar guards, Social Worker and myself in attendance.

Green reports that her name is Green (read from her ID bracelet) and answers all other questions about her life and family with “I can’t remember”, additionally stating “Maybe I wasn’t even alive then”.

When questioned about being touched inappropriately Green became distressed and denied emphatically that such a thing could ever happen. Patient was asked why she was crying and stated “You all have the wrong idea and I can’t fix it.”, “If I tell the truth you’ll all think I’m crazy.”, and “None of this is real anyway.”

Further questioning is to be postponed until Green’s mental state improves as per social worker.
Redheart, RN

13/5/04 11:32
Attended interview of Patient by Lunar guard. Interview was terminated by myself after it became apparent that Green could not answer questions in her current mental state and was becoming distressed by the subject matter.

Full report: #548596

Not to have visitors without prior approval.
Dayglow, Social Worker

13/5/04 12:14
Miss Green referred to me by Dr Red Cross.

CTB results noted and concur with report findings, nil abnormalities.

Continue with neurological observations qShift
Monitor any behavioral changes
Withhold regular Morphine, to be given PRN only.
Will review patient tomorrow
Dr Azure Light, Neurologist

13/5/04 15:48
Regular morphine withheld as per Dr Azure Light, patient denies pain ATOR.

Green seems hesitant to speak and STML is apparent; green claims she cannot remember speaking with Lunar guards when queried. Patient claims to have seen me “years ago” but I have not met Green before today; indicates disorientation to time and pony.

Patient resting in bed ATOR.
Redheart, RN

13/5/04 23:35
Observed patient to be resting in bed throughout shift.

Care provided as per care plan.

Patient complained of pain and PRN morphine given.

Patient asleep ATOR.
Tenderheart, RN

14/5/04 06:32
Patient observed to be sleeping for long periods overnight.

Care provided as per care plan, obs stable.

At about 0330 Green was found to have wandered into another patient’s room and introduced herself as the patient’s nurse. Green appears to have imprinted on nurses as her herd and is imitating things she has heard nursing staff say and do in an attempt to integrate herself with the group.

Green startles easily to unexpected physical contact and struck her RFL against the wall when approached by RN to return her to bed. Patient denies pain/injury but appears teary. Patient states “I’m so tired”.

Returned patient to bed by levitation, patient remains asleep ATOR.
Cloudy Skies, RN

Author's Note

That brings us up to date with Green's patient notes, next chapter will be back to Green narrating now that she's recovered from her Delerium. If this looks incomplete keep in mind that this is just her progress notes, we don't have her obs charts, medication charts, test results, report findings, imagery, ect. so this doesn't necessarily give us the full picture.

Poor Nurse Tenderheart seems to have been very busy and had to stay back after her shift to write notes, her entry is a bit bare bones as a result.

Glossary:

normothermic: core temperature is within the normal range

ATOR: At Time Of Report

PACU: Post Anesthesia Care Unit

vas obs: Neurovascualr observations; conducted on limbs that may be compromised to check for nerve or circulatory issues.

IDC: InDwelling Catheter (a type of urinary catheter, also known as a foley - yes, I resisted the pun)

mane: Latin for morning (in a medical context is specifies that something is to be done in the morning, usually between about 6-8am)

ADL: Activities of Daily Living; things like eating, using the bathroom, showering and brushing your teeth

PUIT: Patient Urinated In Toilet

qShift: Once per shift

PRN: Per RN; specifies that a treatment or drug is to be given only when the nurse observes it is necessary, PRN pain medication is only given when the patient is in pain, not at a specific time.

STML: Short Term Memory Loss

Edited: v1.1

The Hoof that Feeds You
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Trust Once Lost

The Hoof that Feeds You

I could hear a commotion the moment I came onto the ward. I dropped my bag against the wall and walked straight towards it. There was an elderly man in a patient gown brandishing a fork and yelling obscenities while a nurse attempted to talk him down. A couple more nurses were watching in case they needed to intervene and I approached one of them.

"Has the duress call gone out?" I asked.

"Yep," she responded. "Security is on their way."

"What's his name?" I asked.

"Winters."

We both winced as Mr. Winters lunged forward and nearly lost his balance when the nurse stepped out of his reach. The last thing we wanted was for him to fall and break his hip.

"Mr. Winters!" I called out in a friendly tone. "What's going on mate?"

I kept my body language open and carefree, as I walked towards him. He was confused and thought everyone was against him, so I had to change his mind by acting completely different to how he was expecting. He likely had dementia so if I could just distract him for long enough he would forget that he was angry. Hopefully. Otherwise, he was going to end up being tackled by five people and injected with sedatives.

"Are ya feeling a bit hungry, mate?" I asked with a smile, walking closer but staying aware of his reach.

"No!" He yelled.

"Well then, what's the fork for?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm leaving!" He yelled, waving the fork.

"Were you planning on making off with the silverware then?" I continued, still smiling broadly.

He mumbled something unintelligible.

"Look mate I don't know what's happened before, I just heard yelling and I've come to help you," I explained, more seriously. "Why don't you tell me what's going on and I'll help you out, hmm?"

"These people are trying to kill me!" He said urgently.

"Mmm, that sounds serious," I responded, grabbing his wrist where he was holding the fork. "Let's go somewhere we can talk. Hey, can I borrow this?"

I eased the fork out of his hand and put it in my pocket. Mr. Winters sized me up for a moment before deciding either that he could trust me, or that I was big enough that he had no chance of overpowering me, and he allowed me to lead him back to his room.

I looked over at one of the other nurses and gave a questioning look. She tried to hold up fingers to indicate what room the patient was in, but was confused when she realized that she had hooves.

The patient knocked me to the floor and with my foreleg in a cast I was having trouble getting up again. He ran towards the pink pegasus nurse and jumped on top of her, forcing her to the ground. She was calling out for me to help her, but she was so far away, and I was so small and slow. I yelled at him, tried to get his attention, but my voice, which had been deep and commanding, was now weak and scratchy.

"You leave her alone!" I squeaked. "Get back here and face me!"

It was all my fault! I should have just waited for security.

"Please stop!" I sobbed. "You're hurting her!"

There was a flash of blue and Luna appeared, but the moment I saw her I realized I was dreaming. The dreamscape promptly collapsed, leaving me laying in a soft bed, the familiar sounds of a hospital ward softly but insistently intruding on my consciousness.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god none of that was real. I brought up one of my hooves and inspected it in the dim light. Well, almost none of it. I was still a pony.

There was a glass of water on the table at my bedside. I stared at it intently, willing it to levitate into the air, but nothing happened. Sighing, I moved to pick it up. Ah, right. No hands.

I'd managed well enough up to that point by either picking things up in my mouth or by grasping them between my forehooves. With my right foreleg in a cast that wasn't going to work.

I'd seen ponies pick things up with one hoof, probably using some kind of magic. Even a foal could do that, right? I pressed my hoof to the glass and only succeeded in nudging it along the table.

I briefly considered trying to grab it in my teeth and rest it on the flat of my hoof, but my coordination with this body wasn't the best so I'd probably just end up spilling water all over myself.

I threw my head back into the pillow in frustration, glaring up at the ceiling. I was so pathetic and helpless. Eventually, my thirst won out over my embarrassment and I pressed the nurse call button.

About five minutes later a white earth pony mare pulled back the curtain. She had a practiced smile on her face, but everything else about her body language indicated she was stressed and in a hurry.

"Hi, my name is Nurse Redheart," She said in the slightly sing-song voice used for talking to young children. "Did you need some help?"

"Sorry to bother you, but I'm having trouble holding the glass," I explained. "Could you hold it for me?"

Redheart poorly suppressed an eye roll and her smile faltered almost imperceptibly as she moved to pick up the glass.

"Thank you," I squeaked, too embarrassed to make eye contact.

Despite her earlier annoyance at being asked to help with something I should obviously have been able to do myself, she was very gentle, carefully sitting me up with a fetlock around my shoulders before bringing the glass to my mouth and tilting it just enough that I could sip from it without pouring it into my mouth.

She must have thought I was looking for attention by pretending to be helpless. Little did she know I actually was completely helpless, otherwise I'd rather saw my own arm off than ask for help. Unfortunately, I didn't have an arm or a saw, and even if I did, I wouldn't have been able to hold the saw due to the aforementioned helplessness.

"All right, while I'm here I'm going to check on your leg," She instructed. "Lift your right foreleg."

I did as instructed, raising up my cast.

"Do you feel any pain, numbness or pins and needles in your hoof?" She asked. "Can you feel me touching your frog?"

"Sensation is normal," I replied. "I can feel you touching just fine."

I tactfully avoided pointing out that she should have asked me to look away during the sensation test so I couldn't see when she was touching my hoof.

"All right," she said. "Now I want you to hold my hoof as hard as you can."

She pressed her hoof against my much smaller hoof and then pulled it away.

"All right, let's try this again," she said. "When I pull my hoof away from yours I want you to hold on to it as hard as you can."

She placed her hoof against mine and pulled it away. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to use the hoof magic that allowed ponies to pick things up with their otherwise flat hooves.

"I can't do it," I admitted. "I don't know how."

She couldn't suppress a sigh. She took my other forehoof and pressed it against hers.

"All right, same deal," she explained. "hold on as hard as you can."

She pulled her hoof away with no effort.

"I told you I don't know how," I tried to explain.

"Look, please don't joke about this, it's very serious," She frowned. "If you lose grip in your injured leg, it could mean that your thaumic pathways are damaged. If they are, you'll need more emergency surgery right away or you might never be able to use that hoof again, understand?"

"I'm telling the truth, all right?" I was getting exasperated too by this point, "I don't know how to grip things with my hooves, I can't remember anything since -"

I trailed off when I realized that I couldn't remember how long it had been since I was in the forest. I could remember I got hurt, and then the Crusaders found me and we went back to Ponyville. Something about a hospital where they wanted me to work as a nurse for some reason, even though I was a pony. Probably dreamed that part though.

Well if this world was at all sane that part couldn't have been real could it?

Since I had stopped talking, Redheart had been looking at me with pity, but not surprise. Which meant - no, it wasn't a logical deduction, it was more of a feeling.

"We've had this conversation before," I sighed. "Haven't we?"

She smiled. I had guessed right.

"Yes," she replied, a slight undertone of excitement in her voice, "We didn't get far though since you were having trouble remembering things. Can you tell me your name and date of birth?"

I had my human memories of course, but that wasn't what she was asking. In this new world, in this new body, I didn't really have either. Well in my dream they called me 'Green', which I guess is a fine pony name, or at least half of one.

"My name is Green and, uh," I looked for an ID band only to find Redheart was covering it with her hoof.

"Ah," she said playfully, "No cheating."

I sighed again. "I can't remember, everything before I was in the forest is just blank."

The nurse's excitement deflated somewhat.

"Can you tell me where we are right now?" she asked.

"In Ponyville," I responded immediately. "In a hospital."

"Which hospital?" she prompted.

"I can't remember, but it says Ponyville General on your hat so that would be my first guess," I snarked.

She blushed slightly and glanced around the room.

"To save you the trouble, there aren't any clocks on the wall, you are wearing a fob watch but I can't read it from this distance unless you stand very still." I cut in before she could ask the next question. "I don't know what time it is specifically, but it looks like it's early morning. I don't know the date or year, but from how clean and white my cast looks it can't have been more than a few days since I got here."

Redheart blinked. "Ooookay then," she said, rolling her eyes.

The sense of giddy excitement I had was sucked away like a riptide.

Idiot! You're acting like an arrogant prick, trying to 'score points' by proving how smart you are. She's been nothing but kind and you're treating her like she's an idiot!

I felt tears welling in my eyes. Ugh, stupid oversize child tear ducts.

She's going to hate me now, and I'll never fit in and I'll be all alone and - and -

"Green!" I heard a voice calling my name, but it was far away.

They were all going to hate me!

Somepony was touching my withers, but my skin felt cold and numb. I noticed my breaths were coming in short gasps.

"Pl-ease d-on't h-ate me!" I gasped out.

"Green," her voice was commanding, but not aggressive, I felt as she gave my withers a sharp squeeze, "Hey, Green, stay with me, breathe. You're going to get through this."

It all came together at that moment, but the realization didn't help at all. I was having another panic attack. I was so weak, so useless. This body, my body, ugh!

"I-I'm s-sorry," I managed to say. "It's just- just a panic attack. You can go help someone else, I'll be fine."

Please leave. Please let me have a chance to get my emotions back under control. I don't want anyone to see me like this. It hurts. It hurts in my chest.

"Shhhh," she whispered kindly. "Everything is going to be all right. I don't hate you. You're safe here. Nopony is going to hurt you again."

At some point, Redheart had picked up a brush, and she started brushing my coat while I lay prone on the bed. And I cried. I'm not sure why, but having my coat brushed was really calming. Must be a horse thing. Or maybe another hoof magic thing since she was an earth pony. While my body was getting more relaxed now, my mind kept right on hammering me.

I wanted to just dissolve into the mattress, anything to hide my shame. Not only did I cry at the drop of a hat, but my emotional control was also completely shot. I was stuck in this broken, useless body and everything and everyone I knew was just gone! It wasn't even that they were taken from me, they were never even mine in the first place. I had no control over anything, even my own body betrayed me. It wasn't fair!

Oh great, and now I sound like a whiney foal in my own head too.

Of course life wasn't fair. I fell back on familiar reasoning to calm myself. Fairness was just an abstract concept invented by people. Life wasn't inherently fair, it wasn't kind, nor was it malicious, it just was. The only fairness in life came from people exerting their will to make it so. The only kindness to be found was that which was in your power to grant to others, and that which others could grant to you. Life doesn't have meaning, people give life meaning.

I tried to focus on the words Redheart had spoken to me. Everything was going to be all right. Nopony hated me. I was safe here. Nopony would hurt me again... wait again?

I felt my stomach drop. Nurse Redheart had noticed my sudden tension and hesitated for a moment.

"I, uh," I swallowed. "I didn't say anything weird while I was out of it, did I?"

Patients had told me some truly bizarre and sometimes worrying things while recovering from anesthetic.

"Why do you ask?" Redheart was poorly faking a casual tone, which all but confirmed by fears.

"You said nopony will hurt me again," I echoed. "But this was all my fault. My leg was crushed by a big rock falling on it. I don't want anypony to get the wrong idea."

Redheart's shoulders slumped, and she looked defeated. I could tell from the way her foreleg twitched that she wanted to hug me, but wasn't sure if it would be appropriate.

"Green, you know you can tell us anything, right?" Redheart encouraged. "Even things that other ponies might have told you to keep secret? I promise, whatever you tell us, you won't get in trouble."

Oh god, is that what they thought about me? What on Earth did I say?

"What did I say?" I asked.

"Green, I'm not sure if -" She began.

"Just tell me what I said to make you think I'm a- to make you think somepony hurt me and I'll explain what I actually meant."

Redheart put the brush down and looked me in the eye seriously.

"I know you're very smart, Green," Nurse Redheart said carefully. "You soak up information like a sponge. Two days you've been here and you've already picked up enough medical words to sound like a little nurse."

I facehoofed at that. Ow. Hooves are hard.

For a second the nurse looked horrified, her muscles tensed. I realized that she was preparing to grab me and stop me from self-harming. I sighed and would have pinched the bridge of my nose if I'd had fingers. I put my hoof back on the bed and after a moment she continued speaking.

"When I tell you what you said, you'll be able to come up with a clever little story to explain it away, but it wouldn't be the truth, would it?"

I was taken aback by that.

"You're a clever little filly, but I'm not as dumb as you seem to think," Redheart said. "You've told me you can't remember anything at all, if that were true, you wouldn't be able to tell me what happened one way or the other."

I was trapped. I was starting to feel tightness in my chest again.

Nurse Redheart had taken up the brush and continued with her ministrations. She was just about finished with my coat, or at least as much of it as she could see with me laying prone.

"It's all right, Green," she soothed, "I'm not here to interrogate you. You don't need to make up excuses. You don't have to say anything right now, but whenever you're ready to talk about it, I promise, nopony will judge you."

I lay there in silence as she finished up and walked out of the room.

"Was there anything else you needed before I go?" She asked with her hoof on the doorframe.

"No, thank you," I said, embarrassed. "I'm sorry to cause you so much trouble."

The nurse sighed. "You're not causing trouble, Green. You just needed some help, and that's what we're here for."

"Wait, actually-" I called out as she turned to leave.

"Yes?" She asked.

"A straw."

She gave a slight head tilt.

"So you don't have to hold the glass for me," I explained.

Author's Note

Edited: v1.1

Bonus Content 2
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Trust Once Lost

Bonus Content 2

Author's Note

Some extra scenes written by you, my readers.

Since I pushed chapter six early, new chapter updates will be on or around Sunday each week from now on.

Bonus Content 2

First Scene written by Blaflaix

Search and Rescue

Scootaloo wasn't having fun anymore.

The plan had started out the same way all their plans did, with high hopes.
Venture into the forest.
Be awesome.
Gain cutie marks.
Profit!

Once they got into the forest, it was more daunting.
They could look for years, go right past her, and never notice.

Actually finding the lost filly had been doused their spirits thoroughly.
Seeing her limp and broken on the rocks like a busted doll... Scootaloo had been very relieved when she woke up.
Seeing her lurching around and, well, delusional, had removed a lot of that relief and shifted right back to worried.

All in all, it had driven home that the "rescue" in "search and rescue" implied that someone was having an absolutely horrible day.
Scootaloo didn't want a search and rescue cutie mark anymore.
She didn't want her special talent to center around other ponies misfortune.

The journey back was grueling.
Scootaloo wished they had gone with the original idea, she could've run back at top speed and for once she would've been delighted to have the adults take over.

Instead they ended trying to both navigate the way back, and also watch her stumble over every root.
Really, who'd decided to put so many roots in a forest?
None of them were quite strong enough to catch her, but they couldn't let her just fall...
The absolute worst part were the whimpers, Scootaloo didn't think she even realized she was making them, but every one made them all cringe, like they were the ones in pain.
They were worn to an absolute frazzle by the time they made it out of the forest.

It was a huge relief to see the adults rushing off with her to the hospital.
Like a huge burden, much heavier than a filly, had be taken off their backs.

It was only then that Scootaloo realized they had succeeded.
There was somebody in trouble, they had gone out to help, and they had.
As miserable as it was that she needed help, it was much better that they had been there to help than not.
She didn't even care if they got grounded.
Maybe being search and rescue wasn't so bad?

Second Scene, written by Chancellor

Imitation

"It doesn't surprise me she's imitating us," Tenderheart said quietly as she munched on her daffodil sandwich. Both she and Redheart were in the staff room eating lunch.

"How so?" Redheart asked, curious.

"We're probably the only ponies who've been kind to her, so she's probably trying to... mimic us, in order to fit in."

Her colleague fell silent at that, slowly chewing at her food.

It broke the nurse's heart to know that there were creatures, or maybe even ponies, cruel enough to take advantage of such a young filly. It repulsed, to think they went against the nature of Harmony like that.

If she had her way, those responsible would be locked up in Tartarus with the key thrown out, but that was a matter for the Royal Guard. All Ponyville Clinic could do currently was make sure Green felt at ease and comfortable until proper, true healing could begin.

"Well, let's get done with it," Redheart said, finished with her meal. It was time to do her rounds.

Activities of Daily Living
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Trust Once Lost

Activities of Daily Living

Nurse Redheart returned after a while. Maybe half an hour? I still didn't have a clock. She had a drinking straw in her mouth, thankfully it was in a wrapper. She deftly unwrapped it with her hooves, and it finally sank in for me just how crippling my lack of magic was. Losing hoof magic for a pony was the human equivalent of being a double amputee-

Relax, breathe. This is temporary. I'll figure out how to use my hooves eventually.

I opened my eyes and Redheart was waiting silently for me to finish my breathing exercise. No doubt she knew what I was doing.

"Are you feeling better, Green?" She asked after a moment.

I nodded.

"Do you have any pain in your leg this morning?" She had returned to the script.

There was an ache in my leg, and when I moved it, a bit of pain.

"No," I responded, shaking my head. "No pain."

The last thing I wanted was to take more painkillers, my mind was just starting to clear up.

"Did you need to go to the bathroom before breakfast?" The Nurse asked.

For a moment I was surprised by the question, just how young was I supposed to be? Then it hit me; with no hoof magic, I wouldn't even be able to clean myself after using the bathroom.

My hind legs twitched as I realized I was going to need help with that quite urgently.

I nodded again.

"Did you need some help?" She asked.

"Uh," I squeaked. "Yes, thank you."

It wasn't as embarrassing for me as you might imagine, after all, I'd helped hundreds of patients with this sort of thing.

I hobbled as quickly as I could without risking tripping over my cast. Which wasn't very fast. I'd have preferred to walk at a more dignified pace, but I wasn't keen on testing the limits of this new body's continence.

The bathroom differed from a human bathroom but pretty much in line with what I was expecting. The toilet was a 'squat' style toilet, basically, a trough in the middle of the floor with a raised half dome covering the end which the Nurse had indicated was the front as she guided me to stand over the trough. I had to spread my legs almost uncomfortably wide and Redheart kept a hoof under my barrel for a moment just to make sure I didn't slip and have my hooves go out from under me. Clearly, the toilet was sized for an adult pony rather than a filly my size.

I was meaning to wait until she left the room, but when she half turned her back and made a show of pretending not to be watching me I knew she was going to stay. I mentally shrugged. If she was comfortable with that, so was I. I was only holding it out of courtesy at this point, and other concerns were quickly overriding that.

After the nurse cleaned me and helped me to wash my hooves (even though I hadn't touched anything) I was feeling much relieved as she walked me back to bed. I made a mental note to keep better track of this body's needs lest there be an embarrassing situation in my future.

"You really had to go," She commented, "I bet you feel much better now!"

I couldn't help but blush, which was a novel experience for me. I couldn't remember the last time I'd blushed as a human.

"Yeah, well, I can't even remember the last time I used the toilet." I snarked.

"Oh?" She questioned seriously.

"That was a joke." I deadpanned.

She cracked a smile, and it was clear her serious expression had been in jest.

"All right, hop in bed and I'll give you your morning medications."

As I lay back in the bed, grateful that I was off my now throbbing foreleg, the nurse unlocked a drawer and started popping pills out of their packaging into a small paper cup.

"What am I taking this morning?" I asked.

"You've got three tablets and then I'll give you antibiotics through the IV on your foreleg."

"All right, what are the tablets for?" I clarified. Oh to be old again when people would treat me like I could understand what was going on.

"Well these two white ones are to help with your pain," She explained, "And this red one is to help you go to the bathroom."

They were giving me laxatives? Hmm, that meant I'd probably been on a lot of opiates.

"What kind of pain tablets are they?" I asked, suspicious. "Are they opiates?"

Opiates were good for what they were designed for, but I needed to keep a clear head and the pain really wasn't that bad. They probably weren't opiates, unless Equestria was a lot more lax with their controlled substances than Earth.

"No, they're just Intosolamol."

"Never heard of it," I responded. "Are they anti-inflammatories?"

Redheart nodded and checked my line of sight to the medication boxes, noting that I might just have been able to make out the writing on them, upside down and laying on a table across the room. She nodded again, to herself this time.

I took the pills and lay back in the bed. I felt the chill run up my foreleg as Redheart pushed the room temperature dose of antibiotics into my vein with a syringe.

"What are the antibiotics for?" I questioned. "Post-Op prophylaxis?"

"You had a urinary tract infection, but we cleared it magically," The nurse answered. "The antibiotics are to make sure it doesn't grow back. The infection is probably why you were delirious when you came in."

Oh great, if I was delirious there was no telling what I might have said or done. Literally no telling, since they wouldn't tell me.

Redheart had to spoon-feed me my breakfast. Until I managed to get control of my hoof magic, I had about as much bodily autonomy as an infant. Being able to live as a regular whatever-age-I-was filly would be amazing compared to what I had now. That was a good question, actually.

"How old am I?" I asked suddenly after finishing the meal.

"You couldn't tell us your name, so we don't know."

"Roughly though, how old do I look to you?"

"We had someone take a look at your teeth and you're most likely eight or nine years old, though you're a bit small for your age."

"Thanks."

"Are we still pretending that you don't remember anything?"

I went to facehoof but Redheart caught my hoof midway.

"Please don't hit yourself." She pleaded.

"But I wasn't-" I protested, but she cut me off.

"You don't have to lie anymore Green, you can trust me," She cut in. "When you think about what happened, does it make you want to hurt yourself?"

At that moment the utter stupidity of the situation forced the worst possible involuntary response. I facehoofed, yelped in pain, and had tears spring into my eyes.

Curse you body, you've failed me again.

Author's Note

Edited: v1.1

I'm Not Locked in Here With You...
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Trust Once Lost

I'm Not Locked in Here With You...

With a straw in the glass of water, I no longer had to pick it up to drink from it. Unfortunately, the glass was empty. Fortunately, I had a jug of water to fill the glass with. Unfortunately, I couldn't pick up the jug to pour it into the glass.

I had a plan though. If I put the straw into the jug, I could just drink straight from it and not have to worry about calling the nurse to fill the glass. Clever, right?

I had neglected to check the length of the straw. When I placed the straw in the jug, it fell completely inside. I didn't have any hands to fish it out with so I had to use my mouth. Being new to this body I wasn't used to its proportions. As it turned out, my muzzle just happened to be the same width as the jug, so, of course, it got stuck.

This didn't worry me too much until I noticed that my nose was in the jug. And my mouth.

I can't breathe! I realized. Okay, don't panic. Remember SCUBA training. Relax. Don't inhale water. You have time. Work the problem.

I was standing on the bed, leaning over the bedside table to drink from the jug. I shifted my weight onto my injured leg and tried to pull the jug off my face, but my hoof couldn't get a grip on the smooth surface. I had already lifted my face up so the jug was just hanging there in defiance of gravity. My lungs were starting to burn. How was it so stuck? Oh, right. Suction. Trying to remove my muzzle was creating a partial vacuum in the jug so all I had to do was introduce more air... all I had to do was exhale and-

There was a knock at the door and I quickly turned to face them, embarrassed that they had caught me in such a compromising position. With this sudden motion the jug flew off my face sailing across the room and towards the purple pony who had just walked into the room. The jug didn't shatter, thankfully, but when it hit the floor, it splashed water all over my new guest. My face burned red.

"Sorry," I managed to force out as I panted for breath. "I, uh... sorry."

They make guys wear the nurse hat.

The era of nurses wearing hats and skirts on Earth was well before my time, and if I had to guess, also before the time they allowed men to be nurses. It had never occurred to me that in Equestria they might have stallions wearing the same uniform. I'd never tell him this, but to me, it looked rather silly, and he looked rather out of place.

Of course, his looking out of place may also have had to do with the trainee badge on his hat and his body language, which screamed: "I AM NEW HERE AND TERRIFIED OF GETTING IN ANYPONY'S WAY!" Perhaps with a tinge of "Please stop throwing things at me."

The nurse hats here were multifunctional. Since it was the only item of clothing they wore it held their ID badge, a fob watch, and if Redheart's ability to pull whatever item she needed out from under it was anything to go by, the inside was a bag of holding.

Either that or she was just really good at predicting what she might need and keeping it under her hat. Misunderstandings aside I could tell Redheart really knew what she was doing.

This trainee nurse though? My human mind identified him as a frightened puppy and I had the urge to scoop him up off the floor and give him a big hug while I scratched him behind his nervously flicking ears. The inappropriateness of treating another sapient being like a dog aside it would never have worked for the simple reason that he was at least twice my height; that and I didn't have any fingers to scratch his ears so really the whole thing was a wash.

The young stallion looked at me and straightened up.

"Good morning," He said. "I'm Amethyst Swirl and I'll be helping the nurses look after you today."

"Good morning," I replied.

He stood there awkwardly.

"Did you forget what you were supposed to be doing?" I asked gently. "Or were you just introducing yourself?"

"Oh," He said. "No, I'm going to be staying with you today."

All right, that didn't track. You don't give patients personal nurses without a good reason.

"Why's that?" I asked suspiciously.

"You're a special little filly and they want me to keep an eye on you to make sure you're safe," He responded.

"Special, as in you think I'm dying?" I queried. "Or special that you think I'm going to jump out the window?"

He took a nervous step forward, "You were going to jump out the window?"

"No Amy," I sighed. "I'm not going to jump out the window. I'm not suicidal and, even if I was, a first-floor window isn't high enough. Do you mind if I call you Amy?"

"No," He replied. "I mean, that's good, I mean-"

"Just put your saddlebags down and pull up a chair," I cut him off. "I hope you brought a book, otherwise this will be very boring."

"Oh, did you want me to read you a story?" He asked. "Sorry, I didn't know I would be looking after you today so all I have is my nursing textbooks."

"Oh, that's right," He brightened up. "They told me you wanted to be a nurse too."

"I don't remember saying that, so I guess I'll take your word for it," I replied.

Should I just tell them the truth? The longer I spend hiding it the harder it was going to be.

Yeah, tell the nurse who's looking for signs you're crazy that you're actually a different age, gender, and species, I'm sure that will go great!

Well, a different strategy then. Maybe I could get more information about what they really thought of me.

I was well trained to develop a rapport with new people. For most people all it takes is to have a reason to speak to them and then treat them like you're already good friends; keep your body language open and genuine, listen reflectively so they feel heard and remember little things they tell you, like how they take their coffee, what they/their children do for work. If the patient is hesitant and unsure, take charge of the situation so they know they can depend on you to have things under control. If the patient is confident and wants to take control, make sure they know that they are ultimately in charge of their care and you're just there to assist them.

It sounds manipulative when you break it down like that, but it works much better than just winging it and hoping your personalities are compatible. Amy had clearly been trained in a similar way, but didn't yet have the experience to make it feel natural. Which meant if I acted confident and like I knew what I was talking about, he would go along with it.

He tried to make conversation for a while, but when the majority of my answers were 'I can't remember' it kinda killed the conversation. We talked for a while about what it was like for him to work at the hospital. In Equestria, it seemed, Nursing was still more of a vocation than a profession. The training did not require a university degree and instead relied on hospital based trainee programs more similar to an apprenticeship.

I didn't get much gossip out of him about his colleagues (and fair enough since I was a patient), but I did learn that Redheart was one of the more senior nurses and some of the other trainees were afraid to have her as a mentor (Amy insists that he's not). Redheart had a reputation for always knowing exactly what to do, insisting on high standards and for seeing through any BS her trainees tried to tell her. If you didn't know something upside down and back to front, she could tell immediately, and she'd make you admit it, and then help you practice it. He was careful to throw in a few "But she's really nice though," and "She's just really good at everything and wants to help us be our best," whenever he was skirting too close to speaking ill of her.

That was all interesting, but it wasn't the information I really needed.

"I actually have a lot of trouble remembering what happened in the last couple of days," I said dejectedly. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Redheart seemed to see right through me, but this guy seemed a lot less sure of himself. If I acted confident, like I knew what was going on it should be easy enough to convince him to go along with me.

"Well, you were found in the forest sick and with a broken leg," He explained. "But they fixed you up and now here you are."

"I mean more specifically," I clarified. "Like things I might have said or done while I was in hospital."

"Oh, well I'm not sure about that." He said.

"It must be written down, right?" I pushed him, "In my patient notes?"

"I haven't had a chance to read them yet." He admitted.

"Oh," I said, pouting slightly as I looked down at the floor. This was the critical point in the conversation. I considered my next line.

'Can I look at them?' No, that implied that maybe I wasn't supposed to look at them (which as a patient I totally wasn't), I had to phrase it in a way that made it seem like a totally normal thing, something which he should know.

After giving him a moment to feel sorry for me I brightened up.

"We should read them together," I smiled. "It might help jog my memory."

He looked uncertain. "I'm not sure if I'm supposed to show them to you."

"Why not?" I asked. "The only patient information in them is mine, right? So it's fine for me to read it, you just can't show it to anypony else."

That was a bald-faced lie. Just because it wasn't technically illegal to show patients their own notes didn't mean he was allowed to show them to me.

"You might not understand all the words," He warned. "They use a lot of medical words and acronyms."

"Well, it's a good thing you're here then," I smiled again. "You can help me with the big words."

I tried really, really hard to keep a condescending tone out of my voice, and failed utterly. He didn't seem to have picked up on it though.

He smiled and did as I asked, bringing my patient notes into the room.

When he opened the folder to the current page, I quickly scanned what was written there. It looked like I really had been delirious if I was going around pretending to be a nurse. Unfortunately, that would make it much more difficult for them to believe the truth when I told them. Without hard physical proof, it was going to be very difficult, if not impossible to convince them that I was actually an alien without ending up in a psych ward.

I still needed to read the first page.

"Let's start from the beginning," I prompted, as far as he knew I had just been staring uncomprehendingly at the page.

He turned back to the first page of the notes and what I saw made my face pale; I don't think he noticed under my green coat though.

12/5/04 23:45

Patient received in post op recovery at 2330 following Managuided Closed-Field Relocation and Internal Fixation of RFL #.

All obs in normal range.

Shivering ++ but normothermic.

RFL plaster cast in situ.

Patient rousable by voice, confusion and disorientation apparent. Patient reoriented.

Nil pain or distress noted. Patient is resting comfortably ATOR.

Goodcheer, RN PACU

Now it all made sense why Redheart had been so certain that I was covering up some kind of trauma, I'd as much as straight-up told them!

Dammit!

"Okay, so this first part is talking about your condition when you first came into emergency," Amy explained, "I might have to look up some of these abbreviations but-"

"Amethyst," Nurse Redheart called from the doorway, her face set in stone. "I need to speak with you for a moment, and bring the notes."

Her tone was friendly enough, but I winced, knowing she was about to chew him out for showing me the notes. I felt bad about taking advantage of him, hopefully he wouldn't get in too much trouble.

They spoke outside my door, whispering as if I wouldn't be able to hear them.

"Amethyst, you know you can't show the patient notes to other ponies-"

"But they're her patient notes, so there's no breach of confidentiality, it's just other ponies who can't look at them."

"What? Who told you that?"

"Uh... well, she did actually."

"And you listened to her?" Redheart gave a frustrated huff. "Even if she wasn't just trying to trick you, and she was, what made you think she had any idea what she's talking about? She's a nine-year-old filly!"

I couldn't see Amy's face but I knew he'd be hurt.

"This is my fault, I should have prepared you better," Redheart sighed. "When I said Green was special I didn't mean she was slow, or that she was crazy. She's actually rather clever, she picks things up very quickly and her vocabulary is way above her apparent age. Somepony really hurt her; and I don't mean her leg."

"The reason foals are so vulnerable and need our protection isn't just because they're weak, it's because they're trusting," Redheart explained, I could tell she'd given this speech before. "They can't always understand why you might want them to do something, and they can't critically evaluate whether what an adult tells them is true. They just take it on faith because they trust that you know and want what's best for them. Somepony has taken advantage of this foal's trust, and whatever she's been through has completely destroyed her trust in other ponies."

"I don't understand," said Amethyst. "Why would she be trying to trick me?"

"She wanted to know what she told us while she was delirious so she can keep up a consistent narrative," Redheart explained. "She probably thinks that if we can identify her we'll send her back, or maybe that she'll be punished for telling us what happened."

"Oh Celestia," Amethyst gasped. "She thinks we'd do that?"

All right, this had gone far enough. I stepped down off the bed intending to walk up to them, but the sound of my cast striking the floor was enough to get their attention. They both looked into the room and Amethyst made quick strides to stand next to me ready to catch me if I fell.

"Don't be mad at Amy," I begged. "It was my fault. I saw that he was new, and I took advantage of him. Sorry about that by the way, I was hoping we'd get away with it."

"How much did you hear?"

"Everything, and you're wrong," I stated. "I trust that both of you will do exactly what you think is best for me."

"That's great!"

"What if you don't see things the same way I do?" I questioned. "What if you decide something for me and I disagree?"

"We're not going to force you to do anything Green."

"That's crap and you know it," I retorted. "I'm a child, you have a duty of care. If I was going to do something dangerous you'd have to stop me, and if you thought I needed to do something for my own good, you'd force me to do it."

"Yes Green, if you were running around with scissors I'd have to stop you, I hardly think that makes me Sombra."

"What if I wanted to discharge myself against medical advice, could I do that?"

"Your guardian would-"

"I don't have a guardian and if I did, then it would be their decision, not mine."

"Is it really so terrible here Green? Is it so bad to have other ponies care for you? Or is there somewhere else you need to be?"

"No, no, it's fine, you guys are great, really. It's just, I don't want to be stuck here forever."

"Is that what you're afraid of? This isn't a prison Green, we just have to get you well so you can go h-" She faltered. "So you can get on with your life."

"What if when I tell you the truth you think I'm crazy and you never let me go?"

"Have you been in a mental hospital before? Did somepony you know, have to stay there?"

"No."

"You mean you don't remember."

I groaned. "You know what I mean."

"Green..."

"If I tell you the truth, you'll either think I'm lying or that I'm crazy. Neither of those are great outcomes for me."

"Or maybe we believe you and can help you. If you always expect the worst possible outcome, you're going to be miserable. I promise no matter what you tell me I'll keep an open mind."

"So if I started telling you about how I wasn't a pony, I was actually an alien from another dimension, you'd stand there and think 'Oh gee maybe he really is an interdimensional alien' and you wouldn't just be smiling and nodding while you thought about what part of that you wanted to quote when you were referring me for a psych evaluation?"

"Green, please take this seriously. You don't really think you're an alien, do you?"

"Of course not, that would be crazy," I sighed. "I was just trying to prove a point."

"What are you trying to prove?"

"That there are limits to your credulity, you will do whatever you think is right, regardless of what I want, and the only way I can keep ponies from making decisions for me is to not give them the information they need to make those decisions."

"All right, fine," Redheart nodded. "I already told you you don't have to tell me anything until you're ready, just please don't lie to me, if you don't want to tell me something just say so."

"I think I can do that."

"Ok, so why are you so afraid that you're going to be put in a psych ward?"

"You've already assigned someone to sit with me all day like I'm on suicide watch or something."

"W-what?" Stammered Amy.

"Oh sweetie, Amethyst is only here because you need a lot of help and I have other patients to take care of," Redheart explained. "You're not thinking about hurting yourself are you?"

"No."

"Then why would we put you on 'suicide watch'?"

She was testing me. Trying to get me to trap myself with my own words.

Either that or I was overreacting and assuming the worst about her intentions.

"Well, uh, remember earlier when I put my hoof to my face, and you thought I was trying to hurt myself?" I said carefully.

"You hit yourself in the face so hard it made you cry."

"Well, I didn't mean to do it that hard."

"Obviously."

"Huh?"

"I believe you. I don't think you were consciously trying to injure yourself, I think you have an involuntary tic. Each time you did it, it was the exact same motion, triggered by you feeling embarrassed about something, and you didn't even seem to realize you were doing it."

That was... actually closer to the truth than I expected.

"Then why did you ask me all those questions about if I wanted to hurt myself?"

"Because it's my job, Green."

"Actually, when I came in, Green was talking about jumping out the window," Amethyst chipped in. "She said it wasn't high enough for her to commit suicide.”

"That was a joke, Amy," I glared

"Well, it wasn't funny."

"All I said was that even if I was suicidal you didn't have to worry about me jumping out the window because the first floor isn't high enough."

Redheart had to quickly suppress a smile, clearly her sense of humor was darker than Amethyst's.

"I'm not going to scold you for telling a joke, but please try not to traumatize my trainees." Redheart pleaded. "I know that adults sometimes use that kind of humor, but part of being an adult is learning when a joke is appropriate to tell."

I had a snarky comeback but Redheart had practically teleported out of the room, which was doubly impressive since she was an earth pony. Clearly we had taken up too much of her time.

"You two try not to kill each other, okay?" She called out before disappearing into the chaotic maelstrom that was a hospital corridor in the early morning.

I looked at Amy.

"All right, so since you don't understand sarcasm." I spoke slowly, as if explaining something to a particularly slow child. "When she told us not to kill each other, she was joking. It's funny because the idea that we would murder one another is unexpected enough to be comically absurd."

"Celestia grant me patience." Amethyst groaned and put a fetlock over his eyes.

Author's Note

Edited: v1.1

Sufficiently Indistinguishable
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Trust Once Lost

Sufficiently Indistinguishable

Aside from my hands, the thing I was missing most of all was my emotional control. I always imagined that if I could go back and retry parts of my life knowing what I know now I’d be more reasonable, not act out of emotion. My new body had other ideas. Assuming ponies aged like humans I shouldn’t have teenage hormones yet, but even so, I felt like someone had cranked all my emotions up to eleven and I couldn’t turn them back.

Which is a long way of saying I regretted what I’d just said. It had felt great to ‘get one over’ on the inexperienced nurse, but shortly afterwards I realized what I’d done and it made me want to cry. Then I felt embarrassed that I was about to cry and guilty that I’d taken advantage of his trust and angry that I couldn’t control myself; I just felt completely rotten in general and I wanted to curl up in my bed and hide under the covers until it all went away. So I did.

It didn’t go away though, and eventually my moping was interrupted by the arrival of lunch.

“Green, are you awake?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry about earlier, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Amy was walking on eggshells now, even less sure of himself. I’d done that. Ugh. Me and my big mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, I was being mean to you just for doing your job. You felt like you had to report what I’d said and that’s fair enough.” I said. “Just, promise you don’t hate me?”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” I could tell he was still annoyed.

I pushed the covers off me and Amy could tell from my puffy eyes that I’d been crying. I hated it. I hated that he could see how weak I was, that I couldn’t even control my own body. His heart melted instantly, and I felt like such a manipulative little shit. His foreleg lifted off the floor a little and I could tell he wanted to comfort me but wasn’t sure if he was allowed to touch me, his mouth slightly open, but he didn’t know what to say.

I sniffled and wiped my eyes.

“It’s all right, Amy,” I comforted. “I’ll be fine. I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked. “It can be our secret.”

I lay back on the bed and sighed deeply.

“Don’t promise to keep secrets for patients, Amy,” I instructed. “It never ends well. Either you’ll keep the secret and feel responsible when something goes wrong, or you’ll betray the patient’s trust by revealing the secret to ponies who need to know about it to keep them safe.”

“How would you know?” Asked Amy.

“...” Damit!

“It sounds like something Redheart would say,” Amy continued. “Did you hear it from one of the nurses?”

“I can’t remember.”

“Oh, right, sorry,” Amy winced. “Anyway, your lunch is here.”

Lunch didn’t look particularly appetizing, but I was hungry enough that I could just ignore that and eat it anyway. It was food someone else had prepared and none of it would kill me so whatever.

I managed to eat the daffodil sandwiches by nudging them to the edge of the plate so I could grab the corner with my teeth and then balance the sandwich on the flat of my hoof. The apple juice came in a little bottle and, mercifully, already had a straw in it. The juice was sweet and fresh, but I’d never really liked the taste of apples, and it seemed that it carried over to this body. I drank it without complaining since I didn’t want to make a fuss.

The cup of jelly was a lost cause. Even if I found a way to pick it up, there was no way for me to peel the plastic film off the top; if I grasped it in my teeth, I would have no way to hold down the cup while I pulled on it.

Amy observed my eating habits with some confusion.

“You don’t like jelly?” Amy questioned the ignored dessert.

“Let me guess,” I stated. “Redheart didn’t tell you about my hooves.”

Redheart was testing me again, seeing if I’d stay consistent with my lack of hoof grip. I wasn’t faking dammit! I fumed.

Or she’s just in a hurry and didn’t give Amy a proper handover. Or she did tell Amy, but he didn’t understand what she meant.

“She said you needed help holding things.” Said Amy.

I looked at the cup of jelly and then back to Amy.

“Oh! Right, I’m so sorry.” Amy apologized. “You can’t peel the lid with one hoof can you?”

“I have no hoof grip.” I explained, “I can’t hold things with any of my hooves.”

Amy froze, clearly I’d hit on one of the red flags that had been drilled into him.

“How long since you lost grip in your hooves?” Amy questioned urgently, pressing his hoof against my left forehoof. “Do you have any pain, numbness or tingling in your hooves? I want you to try and grip my hoof as hard as you can.”

Amy asked all these questions without giving me time to respond and then pulled his hoof away from mine with no effort. His pupils had shrunk and he was breathing more quickly.

“Relax Amy,” I instructed, “It’s been like this since before I came in, Redheart is already aware.”

“Oh.”

Amy was silent for a moment.

“So did you want me to open that for you?” He asked.

“If you like,” I replied. “But you’ll have to hold the spoon for me.”

“Oh, that’s fine,” Amy reassured. “I have a baby sister so I do that all the time.”

I sighed. “I don’t really mind, but you should probably avoid telling patients they remind you of a baby.” I rolled my eyes. “They might take offense.”

“I didn’t mean-”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“So...”

“Yes, I want some jelly. I’m sorry for giving you a hard time.”

True to his word Amy was adept in the art of spoon-feeding an infant and the jelly was finished off in short order. Then came the point I was dreading.

I spoke clearly so I wouldn’t have to repeat myself, but I was unable to make eye contact. “I have to use the bathroom.”

Amy walked with me to the door of the bathroom, but then he stopped. After I’d emptied my bladder, I called out to Amy.

“I need some help.”

“What with?” Amy called back from behind the door.

“I can’t grip anything with my hooves.”

“So?”

Jesus Christ, how fucking new was this guy?

“Amy, I don’t have a penis.” I explained, “When a mare uses the restroom she needs to dry her mare parts.”

“...”

“Look, if you don’t feel comfortable doing it you can go get Redheart, but you’re going to need to learn this eventually.”

After a bit of awkwardness, Amy managed to do what was necessary and got me back to bed.

“So you really can’t grip anything with your hooves, huh?” Asked Amy.

It took all my child-level self-control to avoid a facehoof that would have driven my hoof through to the opposite side of my skull. As it was I just groaned, squeezed my eyes shut, and slammed my head back into the pillow.

FOR FUCK’S SAKE AMY CAN YOU JUST NOT FOR TWO FUCKING MINUTES?!

“Are you all right, Green?” Amy asked with concern.

“No,” I was resisting the urge to thrash around and throw a tantrum.

“What’s wrong?”

“Leave me alone.”

“But I’m not supposed to lea-”

“THEN JUST SIT THERE AND BE QUIET!”

Before I say something I regret.

Amy’s mouth closed with an audible click.

Relax. Breathe. Don’t strangle Amy.

After a couple minutes of breathing my anger had subsided and I was left with a sickening feeling of shame. Oh god, I was going to cry again wasn’t I? I swear to Christ I’m going to cauterize my god damn tear ducts.

I managed not to full-on cry, but my eyes were watery and my vision blurry. I could see Amy sitting on the floor exactly where I’d left him with his ears drooped. He didn’t even know what he’d done wrong.

“I’m sorry, Amy,” I consoled. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m just having trouble controlling my emotions, but that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

Amy hesitated and then opened his mouth to speak before thinking better of it.

“You can speak now,” I snarked

“Uh, well, er...” Amy was flustered. “I know you said not to compare you to my baby sister, but I was thinking about your problem with your hooves, and my sister had the same problem and the doctor gave us this exercise we could do to help her learn to grasp things.”

I sat up in the bed, suddenly alert.

“Yes?”

“I mean, I’m not sure if-”

“Show me!” I said excitedly.

“Ok,” Amy put his hoof against mine again, “So I’m going to push a bit of my magic into your hoof and then I quickly pull it out again. It might feel a bit weird, but your magic field should reflexively try to compensate for the change in thaumic pressure.”

“Do it.”

There was a warm fizzy sensation as the invisible magic field pressed into my hoof. The pressure in my hoof was uncomfortable, but not exactly painful. There was a sudden feeling of coldness and my hoof went slightly numb as the pressure disappeared. There was an indescribable sensation in the middle of my chest, utterly alien to anything I’d felt before, and yet it felt - right. Like it was always supposed to be there. The feeling pulsed outwards to the extremities of my body, returning sensation to my hoof and briefly giving a sensation of pressure before it faded back to normal. Every hair on my coat and mane stood on end for a moment and a shower of sparks shot out of my horn.

I felt absolutely ecstatic, euphoric, invulnerable! Amy had taken a shocked step back from my bedside but I leaped for joy, grabbing him around the neck in a fierce hug with tears of joy in my eyes.

“Ow,” Amy exclaimed.

In my excitement I may have forgotten that I had a cast and clobbered Amy with it... and my newfound hoof grip may have ripped a few hairs from his coat, but after a moment of shock Amy returned the hug.

Redheart picked that exact moment to walk into the room. Her look of concern quickly dissolved when she realized the crashing sounds hadn’t been me falling on the floor.

“I can do magic!” I exclaimed proudly.

Author's Note

Join my discord!

https://discord.gg/ktG3yhM

Edited: v1.1

Ain’t that a Thaum in the Hoof
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Trust Once Lost

Ain’t that a Thaum in the Hoof

A wave of fatigue hit me and I yawned. Amy’s coat was so soft and warm against my face I closed my eyes.

I woke with a start when somepony nudged my shoulder.

“Huh?” I must have fallen asleep, how embarrassing.

“Green, are you all right?” Asked Redheart.

“Uh,” I tried to fight through the fatigue. “Er, yeah, just... tired.”

I rested my cheek back on Amy’s neck, but with a warm, fizzy sensation I found myself floating away from him.

“Green,” Amy’s voice woke me again and I could feel the bed under me. “Green, you have to let go.”

“What?”

“Your hoof,” He explained. “You need to let go of me.”

“Oh,” I was still holding onto his neck with him awkwardly bending down over the bed. “... Uh, how do I do that?”

Amy seemed stumped by the question. I guess that made sense since I was asking something he’d probably never thought about. My fatigue was already starting to recede; at a guess, magic must be physically tiring. I focused on my hoof and I could feel a slightly higher pressure of magic, so I tried pulling it back into my hoof. This only seemed to grip on tighter, so instead, I tried the opposite and pushed it out of my hoof. Amy looked startled, I guess I was pushing on his magic field? After a couple seconds of this, I felt tired again and my hoof grip released on its own. I was cold and burrowed into the blankets for warmth.

“-don’t know what I saw then,” said Amy, I must have dozed off for a moment. “But I’ve seen a magic surge before and it looked like a magic surge.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you Amethyst,” Redheart sighed. “I just - you can’t fake a magic surge, can you?”

I was confused for a moment as to why Redheart was deferring to her trainee until I remembered that she was an earth pony, and he was a unicorn.

Amethyst thought about it for a moment.

“Not... really?” He answered unsurely but gradually became more confident. “I mean if you knew enough illusion magic you could fake the visual and auditory parts, but I could feel the magic coming off her and it didn’t feel structured at all; and the amount of magic? Well, look at her, she exhausted her whole mana pool in one shot. That’s not something you can do on purpose; not without years of high yield casting exercises anyway.”

“She’s too old.” Redheart countered. “Is it even possible for an eight-year-old to have a magic surge?”

“I mean, I’d say I’d never heard of such a thing, but...”

“But what?”

“Princess Twilight.”

“What are you saying?” Asked Redheart, incredulously. “That Green could be the next Twilight Sparkle? Is her magic that strong?”

“Oh no,” Amy waved his hooves placatingly. “Nothing like that. Princess Twilight’s magic surge lasted more than eight minutes, hatched a dragon egg, blew the roof off an auditorium and transfigured ponies into plants. They say she levitated herself off the floor and her eyes glowed as bright as the sun itself.”

“And Green?”

“About ten seconds,” Amy explained, “Her eyes glowed and the magic flow was strong enough to float her mane and tail with pure unstructured magic; and as you can see, it didn’t give her a cutie mark for magic.”

“Well, there are no guidelines for this, so I guess just do a set of obs and keep a close eye on her,” Redheart instructed, massaging one of her temples with a hoof, “I’ll figure out how to report this to the CMO without him thinking I’m crazy.”

I yawned again, and they finally realized I was awake. Nurse Redheart turned to face me and put a hoof on my shoulder.

“How are you feeling?” She asked with a sing-song voice.

“Tired. Cold. Hungry.” I fought through the fatigue to answer. “My skin feels prickly and I’m all... dizzy. I think... I think my blood sugar is low...”

“It’s all right sweetie, you just used a bit too much magic,” Redheart comforted, “It’s perfectly normal.”

“Normal?” asked Amy, “But-”

Redheart’s head turned so fast I’m surprised her nose didn’t break the sound barrier, and she fixed Amethyst with a steely glare.

“Amethyst, you’re a unicorn,” Redheart cut him off, “It’s normal to feel fatigued when you use too much magic, isn’t it.”

It was not a question.

“Why don’t you take a set of obs, and then we can let Green have a little nap?” She continued.

Amy swallowed nervously and nodded before walking out of the room, returning moments later with an obs trolley. He and Redheart had a whispered conversation as they passed each other in the doorway, but this time I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

I still felt cold, so I cocooned myself in the blankets, leaving one foreleg exposed so Amy could take my blood pressure. He clipped an oxygen saturation sensor on one of my ears and set about checking my blood pressure.

I wanted to ask Amy some questions about my ‘magic surge’ but my eyelids felt so heavy.

I felt like I was drifting away until a sudden jolt woke me. I was still moving, I was falling! I flailed in a panic and only managed to get tangled in the bedsheets, but with my head now uncovered I could see that it wasn’t me that had moved, it was the bed. I was being rolled down a corridor.

Relax, breathe, everything is fine.

I felt wet and sticky and I definitely didn’t check to see if I’d wet the bed; and even if I did check, it was unnecessary because I hadn’t. I’m not a baby.

My sheets were damp though, from a cold sweat. By the miracle of this new body’s healthy skin, it didn’t itch. It was still uncomfortable though.

Amy was keeping pace next to the bed as it was being rolled down the corridor.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“We’re going for a ride.” Said Amy.

“I can see that,” I deadpanned. “Where are we going?”

“Thaumatology,” The word was unfamiliar, but it was clear enough what it was by context. “The doctor just wants to run a few tests to make sure you’re okay.”

“Great.”

My horn was starting to hurt like it was clamped in a vise that was slowly being tightened, and I wanted to be asleep, and these ponies had no idea what was wrong with me and even if they did they wouldn’t tell me because I’m just a child. Ugh, my head.

“Hey Green, are you all right?” Amy asked with concern.

“Fine,” I snapped.

“Are you in pain?”

“Yes.”

“Did you need som-”

“I’ll live,” I pulled the blankets over my head again and curled up to face away from him.

I didn’t see much of Thaumatology because the lights were too bright, making my eyes sting and my head throb. Stupid lights. Stupid ponies with their poking and prodding and their clippity-clopping hooves on the hard floor. Stupid machines with their beeping and clacking and whirring.

I groaned and ponies looked at me with concern. Probably. Or maybe they didn’t. I don’t know, my eyes were closed, and I was ignoring them.

I fell asleep on the way back to my room, and when I woke again Amy was gone. In his place was a pink unicorn mare with a similar trainee badge on her hat. That meant the shift had changed so Redheart had probably left as well. I’d only known them for a few hours, but I felt their absence keenly. They were, after all, the only people I knew in the entire world, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye to them.

I felt much better after my nap. All that remained was a dull ache at the base of my horn, and a feeling of emptiness in my chest where my magic had seemed to originate from.

My new minder looked bored. She idly flipped through a magazine she had levitated in her magic. Watching a patient sleep wasn’t the most fascinating of assignments, so I didn’t blame her at all. The unicorn had a straw yellow mane put up into a bun like Redheart’s had been.

“Hi.” I squeaked. Stupid squeaky voice.

The unicorn mare sighed and looked up. “Oh, you’re awake?”

Her voice had no enthusiasm, as if looking after me was a major imposition on her time.

“Really?” My voice dripped with sarcasm, “I hadn’t noticed.”

The unicorn knew better than to rise to the bait and instead she slid herself off the chair and stretched.

“They wanted me to let them know when you woke up,” She explained as she walked over to the door. “Don’t do anything crazy while I’m gone.”

I almost wanted to do something crazy just to spite her, but that would just be immature. I understood where she was coming from; it was boring. I was basically wasting her time, but this was part of the job, and she’d just have to suck it up and get used to it. I’d never had much sympathy for people that couldn’t keep themselves entertained for a few hours, especially if they were being paid for it. It’s like, you’re being paid by the hour to sit around and read a book, and you’re complaining about it? You’re complaining that the patient isn’t awake and trying to rip their catheter out or punch you in the face? What are you, five? Do you need me to dangle my car keys in front of you to keep your attention?

After a few minutes, the trainee returned with a fluorescent orange pegasus. I tactfully decided not to ask if that was her natural coat color since I didn’t want to remind her of the traumatic experience she must have endured as a filly when she fell into a vat of ink on a field trip to the highlighter factory.

She wasn’t wearing a nurse hat, so maybe she wasn’t a nurse?

“Good afternoon,” She greeted, “My name is Day Glow, do you remember me from yesterday?”

I almost smirked at her name, but I managed to keep it contained. At the same time a spike of fear hit me. Yet another pony had me at a disadvantage by knowing what I’d said while I was delirious, I couldn’t remember a thing. I thought back to the notes I’d skimmed with Amy earlier; I hadn’t paid any attention to the names, but if she wasn’t a nurse, and she wasn’t in Lunar guard armor, and she hadn’t introduced herself as ‘Dr.’... Right, the social worker.

“Sorry, I don’t remember anything from yesterday.”

“That’s all right.” She consoled, “We didn’t make much progress yesterday, but I’m told you’re feeling better today?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh?”

“To know if I was feeling better today, I would have to compare it to yesterday,” I deadpanned, “If I can’t remember yesterday, how would I know if I’m feeling better today?”

She laughed at my joke, but it felt more like politeness than actual mirth. At least she could tell when I was joking.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She noted something on a clipboard. “My job here is to represent the Ministry of Families, Foals and Mental Health.”

That was a mouthful. Hopefully she was here for the first two and not the third.

“It’s good timing that you woke up actually,” Dayglow continued, “There’s somepony I was just with that I wanted you to meet.”

I don’t like surprises. My job is to make sure that everything goes according to plan. To be prepared for anything that might happen. Day Glow had caught me completely off guard and nervousness twisted my stomach.

“You can come in now, Applejack.” She called out.

Damit. They brought the lie detector. I couldn’t run. My leg was broken, and even if it wasn’t, I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. I was frozen on the spot, my skin was cold.

Relax, breathe, don’t have another panic attack.

I closed my eyes, and I took some deep breaths. I managed to stop shivering as I got the panic under control. I still had a knot of nervousness in my stomach though.

All right, she’s probably right in front of you, so don’t get startled.

I cracked open my eyes and saw that Applejack was actually standing a respectful distance away. When she noticed I was looking at her, she approached and introduced herself.

“Well hello there little one, my name’s Applejack.”

The knot in my stomach twisted tighter. Oh god, what if she knew I was lying when I told her my name? Ugh.

Okay, your name is Green. That’s what ponies call you, that’s what you refer to yourself as, so it’s not a lie. Just tell the truth. Your name is ‘Green’. You’re a pony, you were never a human.

I felt bile in my throat.

“Hi my name is-” I closed my mouth again when I realized I was speaking far too quietly for her to hear me.

Applejack moved closer “Pardon?”

Her moving closer made me even more nervous, if such a thing was possible. My stomach hurt. I took a breath.

“H- *hurrgh*” My stomach rebelled against me. I threw up on her hooves.

So much for first impressions.

Author's Note

As you may have noticed I've been having trouble keeping up with the weekly update schedule. I'll be switching to fortnightly updates for the next few chapters until I've got things more under control.

Edited: v1.1

Best Policy
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Trust Once Lost

Best Policy

“Ahm not angry sugarcube,” Applejack’s muffled voice tried to comfort me through the bedclothes I’d wrapped myself in, “It wasn’t yer fault, there’s no need ta be scared.”

Just kill me now, save me from this embarrassment.

I could hear the hurt in Applejack’s voice and I knew that she’d feel just terrible if she thought she’d frightened me. No matter how much my embarrassment wanted me to scream at everypony to leave me alone, I knew I had to pretend to let Applejack comfort me, so she could ‘make up’ for what she saw as her mistake.

I poked my muzzle out of the blankets. The cooler air was refreshing, but I could still smell the cloying odor of my sick hanging in the room. I could smell Applejack too, and no, she didn’t smell like apples. She smelled of rich earth with a hint of healthy sweat, scents that were quite distinct from what I was used to in the hospital.

I slipped my head out of the blankets, my pony ears springing up to attention as they were freed from the blankets.

“It’s all right, Applejack,” I said. “Don’t worry about me, I was just being stupid. I’m not scared.”

“Oh darlin’ I know yer jus’ tryin’ ta be brave, but there ain’t no need ta candy-coat the truth.” The coat on Applejack’s forelegs was damp, no doubt from washing off my puke.

Right, she could tell when I was lying. I swallowed nervously.

“I’m not afraid of you,” I clarified. “I’m just a very anxious pony.”

Applejack raised a hoof to her chest and a distraught expression crossed her face.

Dammit, why can’t I stop lying?

“Yer afraid of me?” The hurt in her voice cut me deep.

“Not because I think you’ll hurt me!” I blurted out, “I just- I’m scared because you- because you’re the element of honesty and you can tell when something is the truth and I don’t want ponies to know w- to know things.”

I probably shouldn’t have said that.

“Ah know tellin’ tha’ truth can hurt sometimes, but you’ll feel much better if you just come out with it.” Applejack lectured, “Everypony here is trying to help you - they won’t think worse of ya, no matter what yer secret is, they’ll help ya.”

“It’s not something I need help with,” I explained. “It’s something- it’s- ugh!”

I huffed in frustration.

“Being the element of honesty doesn’t give me any special powers sugar cube, ya’ll just ain’t that good at fibbing.” Applejack said, “Besides which, we returned the elements to the Tree of Harmony. Ahm not here to interrogate ya.”

“You’re not?”

Applejack turned to Dayglow and the fluorescent mare sighed.

“I’m so sorry Green, I shouldn’t have sprung it on you like this.” Dayglow apologized. “I was talking with Applejack about potentially taking you in as a foster child and I thought I’d introduce you two to ease you into the idea.”

Dayglow looked miserable too. I just spread misery wherever I go, don’t I?

“I didn’t realize you would recognize her, or that you would react so... strongly,” Dayglow explained. “I want to get you placed in a stable environment as soon as possible, but I’d never place you with somepony you felt uncomfortable with.”

Foster care? I hadn’t considered that. I’d assumed I’d be going to an orphanage. I didn’t want to take up a foster care spot that was meant for some poor foal that actually needed it.

“I don’t want to go into foster care, I’ll be fine in an orphanage or whatever.”

“I know it can be scary going with somepony you don’t know-”

“-It’s not that!” I interrupted, “I just- I don’t need it. Isn’t there a waiting list? Isn’t there somepony else that needs it more?”

Dammit, I was screwing this up. I looked over at Applejack.

“Green, look at me.” Dayglow lifted my chin so I was looking into her eyes, “You’re just as important as anypony else. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have a family that loves you and cares for you.”

“What if I don’t want a family?”

“What do you want?” Asked Dayglow, “If you could have anything, what would you ask for?”

“I just want a safe place to sleep, with food provided, and a small stipend to cover expenses until I’m old enough to get a job.” I chose my words carefully. “If I have to share a bunk room with a few other ponies that’s fine I suppose, but I’d prefer to be alone, and once I’m working, I can pay back the money.”

I sighed.

“Look, I get it,” I preempted the response, “You’re not going to give me what I want. You’re going to do whatever you think is best for me, but you asked.”

“Huh.” Said Dayglow. “That’s not what I expected you to say.”

“What was I supposed to say?”

“Well, most fillies your age would want to be a Princess, or to have a million bits.”

“Being a princess looks like a lot of work, and taking a million bits that’s going to help orphans seems kinda evil.”

“That’s a very practical way to look at things.” Said Dayglow, “It’s a bit bleak though, don’t you think?”

“Happiness isn’t achieved by having things handed to you.” I countered, quickly converting an Earth saying into pony speak, “A beggar could be the happiest pony in Equestria while a prince who has wanted for nothing may live in misery.”

“Are you happy, Green?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t seem happy, you seem miserable. You’re anxious around other ponies, you’re having panic attacks, you don’t trust anypony enough to speak with them honestly, and from what I’ve read, since you’ve come to us you’ve spent most of your time either sleeping or crying.”

“This situation is very stressful for me, but I’m generally a happy pony.”

“I’m no Pinkie Pie, but I know a thing or two about making ponies happy.” Dayglow said lightly, “For somepony to be happy, they need to feel safe. Not just physically safe, emotionally safe. Have you ever felt safe, Green? Have you had somepony you could trust with everything?”

I could feel my mother’s cold fingers, poor circulation from her weak heart. I grasped them tightly in my small hands.

“Stay with me, Mom, I’m right here with you. Breathe. You’re going to get through this.”
She shook and kept asking me if it was all right. I told her it was, and I kicked myself for even thinking about telling her the other kids were being mean to me at school. I could imagine what Dad would do if I told him. He’d march down to the school and ‘sort out’ the situation regardless of how I’d beg him not to.

I thought about all the ways I could answer the question with another question; what is 'trust'? Is it just being able to predict how someone will respond? With Applejack in the room I figured it was best just to get it over with.

“No,” I said truthfully. “I guess I never have.”

Author's Note

Expect another small chapter in the next few days. Hopefully I can get you the next full length chapter on schedule.

As pretentious as it may sound, the introspection I'm working through for this story is painful. :applejackunsure:

If you want a laugh check out this oneshot I just published (trigger warning: religious themes) https://www.fimfiction.net/story/460178/what-only-the-blind-may-see

Highly Illogical
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Trust Once Lost

Highly Illogical

“You remember your parents?”

“Well, they’re not my parents.” I explained, “They’re not ponies, and they’re not in Equestria.”

They were the human me’s parents, the pony me had no parents since I’d been brought into the world fully formed. Well, almost fully. The much taller, fully grown ponies gathered in the room looked at me expectantly, and I felt very small.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s all right Green,” Dayglow noticed my discomfort and wrapped a wing around me, “You’re being very brave, you can tell us about that when you’re ready. You don’t have to talk about it in front of everypony.”

Having fur sucks. It turns out, not all of my vomit was on Applejack - I got some of it on myself, and it couldn’t just be wiped off. While I did have magic now, it still wasn’t up to the delicate task of cleaning myself. Soothing Melody - my trainee nurse minder - was tasked with giving me a shower.

I was worried that Melody would be cross with me for giving her more work, but she actually seemed to be enjoying herself. I got the sense that she was treating me like one of her dolls; she put so much care into styling my mane and tail - all without standing me in front of the mirror or asking what I’d like. I can’t really blame her for treating me like a doll when that’s how I was acting.

Melody helping me in the bathroom was uncomfortable. She was a female, close enough to my age as a human, and she didn’t have the sense of professional detachment that Redheart displayed. I knew, intellectually, that the looks she was giving me were just because I was a cute little filly that she got to play with, but my human mind was interpreting them in a very different, very creepy way. That type of female attention had always been frightening to me.

I guess I should explain. In my life as a human, I had good people skills... professionally. Personal relationships, however, ranged from exhausting to terrifying. I like things to be predictable, I enjoyed the fact that shifts had routines and a procedure manual that I could study so I would know exactly what to do at all times. People are unpredictable, but at work, there were very clear boundaries and expectations and, most importantly, I didn’t have to trust them. I always had it in the back of my mind that they could suddenly snap, spit in my face and cuss me out, make false complaints about me, or try to stab me with a pen; So, when they did, I wasn’t angry with them. Their irrationality was just another symptom that had to be managed. Most often this type of behavior was the result of dementia or mental illness; For the rest, while being a complete dickhead isn’t technically a mental illness, it might as well be.

I can’t turn it off. I don’t have another way to interact with people. Some of my earliest memories are helping my mother with her mental illness, I couldn’t blame her for being irrational; and caring for my baby brother, who was as irrational and impulsive as you would expect from a six-year-old. My dad really tried, but he never managed to understand how to deal with anxiety and panic attacks. I didn’t blame him for trying to be assertive and snap Mum out of having a panic attack by telling her forcefully that she was being irrational and spouting nonsense. He honestly thought that would help.

If you know anything at all about anxiety, you can probably imagine how well that went. For anyone left wondering, not well. It’s possibly the most counter-productive thing you could do short of actual violence. I didn’t have the words to explain it to him at the time, and to this day he doesn’t really understand, though he has at least stopped attempting it.

I know my family better than I know anyone else in the world, I love them, I would do anything for them - but I don’t trust them. I’ve never really trusted anyone.

They’re not even my family though, are they? Am I a terrible person if that’s a relief to me? If it feels like a burden lifted? It’s not like I was abandoning them. The original was still there, and, by virtue of us being essentially the same person, he was actually, for the first time ever, someone I could trust to see things my way. Too bad we’d never meet.

Not trusting anyone, being afraid of new social situations, being afraid of people being irrational... can you see where this is going? I was terrified of having a girlfriend. That didn’t stop me from having one. A girl asked me out. I wanted to say no, but I was too afraid to turn her down in case she and her friends retaliated against me. So I said yes. We dated for three months and the furthest we went was a kiss on the lips, which only happened because my Dad told me I should do it because it was cruel to string her along.

I felt nothing but fear; she was ecstatic and literally skipped back to her father’s waiting car. She broke up with me a couple of weeks later, said she would hate me forever and threatened to have her dad beat me up.

It was cruel of me to lead her on, but being honest and telling her I never felt anything for her seemed even crueler, so instead I pretended to be sad about it.

Since then I’ve made sure to be clear about rebuffing romantic or sexual advances towards me. Most of my colleagues have taken the hint and assume I’m gay. While this would be a handy excuse for why I’m terrified of female sexual interest, I don’t actually like men in that way either. It terrifies me because I have no idea how to respond. From my experience, rebuffing these types of advances is something that makes people completely irrational, and reciprocating is equally bad, if it’s not done correctly.

I knew, with reasonable certainty that Melody wasn’t going to try anything weird, so I just sucked it up and stood there with a blank expression, complying with her requests to raise each hoof, stand, or sit.

She was efficient with her work, and despite taking time to style my mane and tail we were finished up within ten minutes. Most of what she’d done for me had been accomplished with magic, so it was a shock when she touched my hind quarters with a hoof to direct me out of the bathroom. With the thoughts going through my head at the time, I about jumped out of my skin.

I squeaked and wrapped my tail around where she had touched. An involuntary shudder ran through my body, interrupting my breathing exercise. I took a new breath and controlled the exhalation over four seconds, waited another four seconds, then returned to breathing normally.

“I’m so sorry,” I apologized, my face flushed red with embarrassment. “I wasn’t paying attention and you startled me.”

Melody didn’t answer immediately, and when I gained the courage to face her, I could see why. She had recoiled away from me, holding the hoof she had used to touch me tight against her chest. Her coat was somehow three shades lighter, her pupils were pinpricks, and I wasn’t entirely sure she was breathing.

“Are you okay?” I asked with concern.

“I-I’m going to get the nurse.” She mumbled before beating a hasty retreat out into the hallway.

Looking at the bed I noted that it was raised up too high for me to safely climb into it without help; I just lay on the floor and waited for my caretakers to return. My broken leg was throbbing again, but I couldn’t tell them about it; I needed a clear head to deal with whatever nonsense I was wrapped up in now.

Why does this keep happening to me?

Author's Note

New chapter next Wednesday, hopefully.

Perspective
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Trust Once Lost

Perspective

When Redheart saw Melody stumble out of Green’s room in a panic, she just sighed. On the second shift of her double, her patience was beginning to fray.

“Alright Melody, what’s Green done now?” Asked Redheart, “Did she sprout wings? I really shouldn’t be surprised at this point.”

Redheart felt a little bad when her light-hearted jab failed to penetrate Melody’s panic. The pink mare grasped Redheart’s hoof and tried to drag her towards the patient’s room. Redheart had a feeling that it would be better not to have this conversation in front of the patient.

“Is this a medical emergency?” Redheart asked

“No, but-”

“Is Green having a panic attack?”

“Well... no-”

“Okay then, tell me what happened.”

Melody swallowed nervously. “Well I was giving Green a shower and she - and I - and she - I mean I, I think I touched her somewhere I wasn’t supposed to!”

The mare shrunk in on herself covering her mouth with a hoof as if she’d admitted to something unforgivable.

“So where did you touch her?” Redheart sighed again when she realised she wasn’t going to be leaving this shift on time.

“On the flank,” Melody explained, “I was showing her out of the bathroom, and - and she was so scared! She was shaking and then she apologised to me! Like she thought I would punish her for getting scared! It’s all my fault!”

“It’s all right Melody,” Redheart comforted, “You couldn’t have known she would react like this. You’re not the one who hurt her, you just found one of her triggers. Something about the situation must have made her relive a traumatic memory.”

Redheart walked towards Green’s room. “I need you to be calm, Melody, do you need a moment?”

“No.” Melody responded, “I’m fine.”

Green was lying on the floor next to a bed that had been raised so the linen could be easily changed. When she saw Redheart enter she rolled onto her back so she was looking at the nurse upside down.

“Whatever she told you is a lie, nothing happened.” The filly said in aggravation, “I was just shivering because I was cold after being in the shower.”

“Would it make you feel more comfortable if we pretended that’s what happened?” Redheart didn’t believe the filly for a second, “I know you feel embarrassed when you have reactions you can’t control.”

“Sure. Whatever.” The filly struggled to her hooves and Melody moved towards her but froze as she couldn’t decide whether she should lay hooves on her.

A look of agony crossed Green’s face as she tried to breathe through the pain in her broken foreleg, but she didn’t let out so much as a murmur as tears gathered in her eyes.

“How bad is the pain on a scale of one to ten.” Melody asked reflexively.

“I’m fine,” Green growled, “Don’t worry about it.”

“Green, please be honest,” Redheart pleaded, “We can help you with the pain, and we need to know if there’s something wrong with your leg.”

“I snapped my leg in two and now I’ve got metal screwed into my bones, it’s perfectly normal to feel some pain.” The filly said matter-of-factly, “What I need is for ponies to stop treating me like I’m crazy. I’m here because I broke my leg, my brain works just fine.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy Green,” Redheart said, “Something bad happened to you, and it wasn’t your fault, even if you feel like it is. You -”

“Nothing happened.” The filly insisted, “I’m fine. I just get anxious sometimes, and you ponies always assume it’s the worst possible thing. I can manage my anxiety just fine, I just need people to stop poking at it!”

“Are you ready for bed, Green?” Redheart asked, disengaging from the conversation that was distressing her patient.

Green looked back to the bathroom and the towels left on the floor.

“Yes.” The filly answered in a huff, but she couldn’t cross her forelegs due to the cast. She blinked adorably when she noticed this before returning to her scowl.

“You missed dinner,” Redheart explained, “Did you want some sandwiches from the fridge?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Okay, if you change your mind, Melody will be right here. Is it alright if she stays?”

“Ugh, it’s fine! She didn’t even do anything, I just get scared for no reason sometimes. It’s not like I’m gonna die.”

“All right then, get some rest, Green.” Redheart instructed, “Melody, just keep an eye on her, and don’t forget to write in the notes.”

Author's Note

Apologies for the short update.

Quite a few people seemed confused about the ending of the last chapter, so I've written this part from an alternate perspective to hopefully clear that up. I also drew some art! So that's worth at least another thousand words... probably.

Still working on the chapter proper which will also be in third person perspective - it's a meeting where Green's case will be discussed and it's looking like it's a lot more substantial than I expected. This scene didn't really fit into the theme of that chapter, so here it is.

Not a Kid
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Trust Once Lost

Not a Kid

“Applejack, can ah sleep in your room tonight?” Applebloom whimpered.

“Are you having nightmares again?” Applejack asked, “I sent a letter to Princess Luna but I haven’t heard back yet. And o’ course you can darlin’ don’t sweat it.”

“It’s just - that filly we found in the forest,” Applebloom admitted, “Ah, know we weren’ supposed to go in the forest, but-”

Applejack sighed and hugged her sister close. “Oh Applebloom, yer heart was in the right place goin’ out tah save that filly, but you’ve got to think with your head sometimes,” Applejack lectured. “You saw what happened to that filly that got lost an’ hurt. What if that had been you? Ah’d never forgiven ma’self if somethin’ happened to you!”

Applebloom didn’t try to argue, she just hugged back and listened to the steady beat of her sister’s heart as tears welled in her eyes.

“She was so scared!” Applebloom sobbed, “Ah’ve never seen anypony that scared before. She was begging us not to hurt her, an’ then she tried to run away on a broken leg, an’ she started talkin’ all crazy, an’ then she tried to walk all the way back to Ponyville, and she collapsed an’ ah thought she was dead-”

“Hey, simmer down now,” Applejack comforted, “She’s fine, thanks to you. I went to see her at the hospital today.”

Applebloom pulled her face out of her sister’s coat to look her in the eye.

“Ya did?” Applebloom said with hopeful excitement, “Did she say anything about me?”

“Ahm sure she would thank ya if she could, but...” Applejack tried to think how to phrase it gently, “Well she weren’ up for sayin’ much of anything. She’s still a mite shook up.”

“Ah bet her parents were happy to see her at least.”

Applejack tensed up and didn’t answer.

“... Oh,” Applebloom could figure out what that meant.

“They haven’t been able to find her parents. She won’t even tell us her name, so she goes by ‘Green’ now.” Applejack explained, “How would ya feel if Green stayed here with us fer a while?”

Applebloom hesitated for a moment too long before answering.

“That would be fine, ah guess,” She mumbled. “She’s kinda... weird.”

“Really now?” Applejack raised an eyebrow, “Was she mean to you?”

“Well, no,” Applebloom said hesitantly. “Ah mean, she did say we weren’t never goin' ta get our cutie marks, but she apologized fer tha’.”

“Well, that wasn’t a very nice thing for her to say.”

“She did think we were timberwolves at the time.” Applebloom elaborated, “And she did apologize right after, but then she started talking all crazy and on the way back she kept calling us ‘kids’ and telling us to go on without her.”

“She must have been mighty confused,” Applejack said, “Ya’ll don’t look anything like timberwolves or goats.”

“She kept saying she was fine,” Applebloom was beginning to tear up, “But she wuz hurt real bad and she kept pushing us away when we tried ta help her walk, an’ she fell, an’ then she kicked Scootaloo in the face when she tried ta help her up. An’ she wuz wimperin’ the whole time and cryin’ but I don’t think she knew ‘cause she kept tryin’ ta tell us that she didn’t need help, an’ -”

“Shhh, it’s alright,” Applejack hugged her sister tight to her chest. “Ah know Green must have scared ‘ya somethin’ fierce, but Ah’m sure she didn’ mean to. She’s just... well she’s a very anxious pony and Ah guess that bein’ lost an’ injured must have frightened the wits out of her, poor thing.”

“Like Fluttershy?” Applebloom asked.

“Ah guess I bit like that, yeah,” Applejack responded. “She’s very frightened of other ponies right now, and she needs a safe place to live so she can learn to trust ponies to not hurt her. Ah was hoping tha-”

“Yes!” Applebloom said firmly, “Ah want to help her. If she needs to learn how to trust, she can learn from mah sister, the Element a’ Honesty!”

Applejack tousled her sister’s mane.

“Aww shoot, ah just remembered,” Applejack said sheepishly. “Ahm supposed to go to a meetin’ at the hospital tonight to see about helpin’ Green. Ya can sleep in Big Mac’s room if ya like, Ah’m sure he wouldn’ mind.”

“A meeting this late at night?” Applebloom questioned.

“Well, the Princess is going to be there,” Applejack explained. “Ah can try bringin’ up yer nightmares if I get a chance to speak with her alone.”

“Ya know what?” Applebloom said, “Ah think Ah’ll be fine.”

Author's Note

Another short chapter, but it's early this time so *shrug*.

I'm having trouble writing the meeting; it's more complex than anything I've tried writing before. I have a bunch of good stuff planned for it but I'm not sure when I'll have it ready.

It's not RAD
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Trust Once Lost

It's not RAD

An awkward silence filled the room and meaningful glances were exchanged. Nurse Redheart’s coffee seemed to have taken effect and she placed a hoof on Dayglow’s foreleg to give her the emotional support needed to press on.

“Your Majesty, I don’t question your motives, nor your ability to care for the child,” Dayglow swallowed dryly, “But I have concerns.”

“We shall hear them,” Said Luna. “Feel free to speak your mind.”

“Green is very anxious about other ponies finding things out about her. Being placed in a highly public position is going to be difficult for her to cope with,” Dayglow explained. “At the same time, she can’t be sequestered away to protect her from public scrutiny because she needs to be socialized; she’s already afraid of other ponies and the last thing we want is to legitimize that fear by telling her she needs to hide from the general public.”

“When she presented herself to us in her dreams she displayed a remarkable level of control for somepony so young,” Luna said, “If we do not take the filly under our wing I feel a great opportunity will have been missed. We will work with her to manage her anxiety - as the guardian of dreams we challenge thee to find somepony more experienced in dealing with such matters.”

“Green’s guardianship is still undecided,” Dayglow said. “I’ll take her majesty’s offer into consideration when I make my recommendation. I will, of course, bow to your absolute authority should you choose to exercise it.”

“Before we make any decision we should hear all the facts,” Paperstack said. “Redheart, you have been Green’s primary nurse for the last two days, what is your assessment?”

“On the first day I took care of Green she was still delirious and when I introduced myself as her nurse, she told me that she was a nurse too.” Redheart said, “She was very hesitant and asked for help with everything. At first, I thought she was just desperate for equine contact, but she also seemed ashamed for needing help and would cry and apologize for ‘wasting our time’.”

Redheart looked downcast.

“I tried to reassure her, but after a few minutes she couldn’t remember anything I’d said.” Redheart continued, “She had enough awareness to read the name off of her ID bracelet, but claimed she didn’t remember her own name. She kept telling me that she was a pony, but I’m not sure what exactly she meant by that.”

“Before you ask, yes, we did check if she was a Changeling,” Paperstack said.

“We would not have asked,” Luna said. “Her behavior is not at all consistent with a changeling infiltrator, but we suppose it is good to be certain.”

“Night Shift reported that during the night Green wandered into another patient’s room and introduced herself as the patient’s nurse.” Redheart continued, “Either she honestly believed herself to be a nurse, or she was just playing pretend. I noticed that Green was given morphine by evening shift before she went to bed, so it’s possible her increased confusion was a result of that.”

“When I cared for Green again the following morning Green was less confused, but still claimed to have no memory of what happened to her.” Redheart said, “She also claimed to have no grip in her hooves. Her lack of hoofgrip was reported to doctor Redcross who instructed us to record it as non-compliance pending a review.”

“Her lack of coordination makes her appear much younger than she is, watching her walk I was worried she was going to flop like a newborn.” Redheart said, “Listening to her speak you’d think she was a teenager. She’s clever and has a good vocabulary, but she’s still at the stage where she thinks that nopony else could understand what she’s going through. She lies constantly and thinks nopony will notice, so that does show a certain level of immaturity. She did manage to trick one of my trainees into letting her read her patient notes.”

“She’s having panic attacks, but she also has techniques to cope with them that were clearly trained.” Redheart said, “That along with her general familiarity with hospital procedures suggests that she’s spent some time in a hospital; if she told the princess she’s experienced this type of injury before I would be inclined to believe her.”

“Her sense of humor is dark, she’s making jokes about things somepony her age shouldn’t really be thinking about, but if it helps her cope I’m not about to scold her for it.” Redheart said.“I thought I had a pretty good idea of what was going on with Green - until she had a magic surge.”

“A magic surge?” Twilight asked, “You’re sure?”

“Well I’m no unicorn your highness,” Redheart explained, “But my trainee who witnessed it was and he assured me that it’s not something she could have faked. The burst of unstructured magic was felt by ponies several rooms away, and afterwards she fainted and had to be treated for magical exhaustion.”

“We thought you might be interested to see her thaumatology results, so here’s a copy.” Paperstack provided the younger princess with a stack of papers, “In summary; there’s nothing wrong with her magical pathways, certainly nothing to explain her magic surge, and as you’re no doubt aware a magic surge in a child her age is virtually unheard of.”

“That’s putting it mildly.” Dr. Azure Light said, “Until yesterday the only recorded case of a foal experiencing a magic surge this late was her Highness.”

It took Twilight a moment to realize what the doctor was saying. “Wait, you mean- oh Celestia,” Twilight grasped the edge of the table, “She didn’t hurt anypony did she?”

“No, your Highness,” Redheart reassured, “She used up her entire mana pool, but so far her magical potential is not in the same magnitude as yours.”

“Her mana pool is within the normal range for her age group.” Dr. Azure Light explained, “Most unicorns her age have difficulty expressing their magic though. Learning to keep their magic contained is something that happens naturally during infancy. When we teach older children to cast spells deliberately they have to work against their natural reflex to pull their mana back.”

“Have you read any of the studies about the effects of a low-magic environment on childhood development?” Twilight queried.

“Not that I recall, your highness,” Azure Light answered, “I assume it would in some way stunt the development of their thaumic system?”

“Actually it’s very much the opposite,” Twilight went into lecture mode, “Ponies that grow up in an environment with very little magic have overdeveloped thaumic pathways which allow them to use small amounts of magic more efficiently. Fine control is difficult for them however since -”

“Twilight, I’m sure this is fascinating, but what does it have to do with Green?” Luna cut in.

“Right, heh,” Twilight said, “Green’s thaumic pathways, you tested them?”

“We did, Your Highness,” Azure Light answered, “They were within normal variation; neither atrophied, nor overdeveloped, which is one of the reasons her claim to have no hoof grip doesn’t make sense. If she was unable to use her magic at all from age zero to eight then we would be able to tell.”

“Why would she lie about that?” Asked Applejack.

“I’m not an expert in foal psychology, but that type of behavior is typically associated with an attachment disorder.” Dayglow said, “When a foal is very young if they don’t develop a secure bond with their caregiver they resort to different behaviors to get their caregiver to give them attention. It may be a little premature before Green has seen a psychiatrist, but-”

The mare looked down and began searching through her bag. After an awkward silence, it became clear that she couldn’t find what she was looking for.

“Applejack,” Dayglow asked, “Do you still have that pamphlet I gave you earlier?”

Applejack pulled a pamphlet from under her hat.

“Reactive Attachment Disorder?” She read off the paper.

“It’s common among foals in the foster care system.” Dayglow explained, “Neglect or abuse in early development, or being separated from a caregiver they have bonded with, prevents the foal from forming a secure attachment. They have difficulty trusting others, poor self-worth, anger, and a need to feel in control. They’re willful and disobedient, sometimes they lie pathologically. They want to get attention and care, but they feel like they have to do something to get it. Some of them are very quiet and don’t show any emotion in case it makes you angry and you abandon them, others act out and scream and cry about minor things, acting like they’re helpless because they’re afraid they’ll be ignored otherwise.”

“It does seem to fit,” Redheart admitted. “Although Green seems more willing to use manipulation to get what she wants than outright disobedience.”

“She disobeyed our orders when we were searching for her in the forest,” Luna countered, “Even when it put her at great risk, she wanted to be in control of her rescue rather than leaving her fate in the hooves of others.”

“It’s too early to pathologize her behavior,” Azure Light argued, “We haven’t seen how she acts in a comfortable setting.”

“I’m not sure there’s such a thing as a comfortable setting for her at the moment.” Dayglow countered, “Attachment disorders are on a spectrum, you’d be hard-pressed to find any abused foal who didn’t have an attachment disorder to some degree. The ‘treatment’ is essentially just good parenting, though the trauma they’ve suffered makes that much more difficult. Fundamentally, it’s an inability to trust.”

“What exactly do you mean by ‘good parenting’?” Asked Applejack. “I’m not even a real parent, are you sure there’s not somepony more qualified?”

“She needs somepony to be dependable; firm, yet forgiving.” Dayglow explained, “Somepony to help her work through her anxiety, to cope with her stress, and to show her that she can trust them to always be there for her. I’m not going to sugar coat it; it’s going to be very frustrating, for you and for her, but if you stick to it then it will be very rewarding - and we’ll be here to give you whatever support you need.”

“I’m sure you can do it.” Said Twilight, “You’re the most dependable pony I know.”

“You were there Dayglow,” Applejack said, “She was so terrified of me that she threw up all over herself, are you sure it’s a good idea for me to be the one taking care of her? And I wouldn’t know the first thing about helping her with her magic problems.”

Applejack chewed her lip nervously.

“It’s not that I don’t want to help, it’s just...” Applejack said, “To be honest I didn’t know what I was signing up for and it frightens me a little. What if I get this wrong and I end up making things worse?”

“If you weren’t at least a little worried I’d be concerned you weren’t taking this seriously.” Dayglow consoled, “The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to do this alone - I’ll be working to make sure that you have a strong support network to call on. I also have some parenting classes which I think would be helpful, as well as counseling, for you and for Green. At the moment this is just a foster placement, but from what little we know about her past it’s likely that she will need somepony to adopt her.”

“Our goal in taking Green as our ward is not merely to have her for ourselves, but to ensure she receives the best care possible.” Luna said, “While we are sure your facilities are adequate for caring for the ponies of Ponyville this is still a small facility, without a dedicated pediatric ward. In Canterlot Green would be able to receive more specialized care.”

“With respect, your majesty,” Azure Light responded before Paperstack could begin her defense of the hospital, “If Green had a safe home to return to she could be discharged tomor- today.”

The doctor corrected herself, seeing it was after midnight.

“She will need outpatient treatment and followup, but none of her injuries are serious enough to require hospitalization.” Azure Light said.

“I’ll need a repeat x-ray to ensure her foreleg is healing correctly, and she will need to come in next week to have her cast removed.” Dr. Stone explained in his monotone, “If she were one of my regular patients I would have discharged her yesterday morning. Extended hospital stays are statistically inadvisable.”

“We’re getting ahead of ourselves,” Paperstack said, “We should finish reviewing the case before we start talking about future plans. Redheart, you were telling us about Green’s magic surge?”

“Did anything happen that might have triggered the magic surge?” Twilight jumped back into the conversation, “My magic surge was triggered by a wave of magic that later turned out to be a Sonic Rainboom. I don’t think Rainbow was practicing her one yesterday, but I can definitely ask.”

Redheart looked uncomfortable at the question.

“Green’s magic surge actually seems to have been triggered by my trainee,” Redheart explained. “Apparently he had been helping his baby sister with thaumic field pressure sensitization exercises and decided to try them out on a patient without consulting anypony.”

Luna looked displeased at this revelation.

“I’ll want to speak with him tomorrow.” Said Twilight. “That type of exercise should be very safe so I don’t see the harm in him trying it, but I want to know exactly what he did.”

“I’m sure that can be arranged, your Highness,” Redheart said. “After Green’s tests in thaumatology she slept for a couple of hours and I placed her under the care of Soothing Melody, another of my trainees. When Green woke she met with Dayglow and Applejack, and you all heard how that went. When Melody was showering Green she described the filly as ‘submissive’ and emotionally flat, until she touched the filly’s flank. Green panicked and covered herself with her tail while she did breathing exercises - and then the filly apologized to Melody for getting scared. When I talked to Green she denied anything happened at all.”

“So she feels like she needs to cover for other ponies.” Dayglow commented, “That’s not a good sign.”

“If she’s trying to cover for Melody she’s not doing a very good job,” Twilight noted. “By saying nothing happened she’s making it seem like something much worse happened.”

“She was in a lot of pain.” Redheart explained, “And it was the end of a very stressful day, she probably wasn’t thinking clearly - she denied pain as well, even though I could see it on her face plain as day. It seems like she’s getting very frustrated.”

Author's Note

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Wait, this isn't youtube,

But this is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QflilmjXWg8

Supplemental: Patient Notes 3
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Trust Once Lost

Supplemental: Patient Notes 3