The Derpy-Verse

by True Edge

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Original Character, Equestria Girls, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Adventure, Discord, Derpy Hooves, Violence, Crossover, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 9302

As one story ends, another begins. . . .

After Doctor Whooves blasts her through the multiverse on a mission to save not only their reality, but others as well, Derpy Hooves finds herself in some . . . odd places. Like, really odd. And filled with strange characters as well, like a hulking giant in a horned helmet, or a wheezing edgelord, or a mouthy mercenary. All of them, however, could potentially aid her on her journey through the Multiverse.
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What can I say? Strap in, everybrony. This is gonna get . . . weird. :rainbowderp:

Updates whenever I feel like it. Anything else you may have heard, regarding Days of Saturn or the like, is a total lie and should be dismissed as such, immediately.

Look here in the future, as any series/films/etc. I crossover with, I will include a disclaimer here. :raritywink:
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Equestria Girls belong to Hasbro
Skyrim belongs to Bethesda Softworks (Who belong to Microsoft)

Published 2020-04-05 21:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-12-06 15:44:28 UTC

I Tell You, I Tell You The Drag- Wait, what?

Arc I
The Cat and the Nord

Far away, over soaring, snow capped peaks that thrust themselves into a cold, slate gray sky, past winding rivers and deep green valleys and long verdant plains, filled with quaint villages and castle keeps, and landscapes that deserve nothing but a full sixty piece orchestral suite playing their theme, in a mystical land on the other end of the multiverse, a hero walks. . . .

Slightly drunkenly, but he walks.

Nameless, his face hidden behind the nasal guard of the horned helm on his head, this great hero strides . . . staggers, down the path from an old river village, it’s lumber mill working tirelessly, and comes to a halt at the bridge out of town. He stops, tilting his head back, the harness of his iron breastplate creaking a bit, and turns his cool gray eyes up to the very top of the mountain ahead of him, the highest peak in the land. Upon careful contemplation of the Thousand Steps that must be walked in order to reach the top, and the age old temple of mystics that will teach him the power of his voice, he clears his throat, steels himself, and speaks.

“Ah, shit, here we go again.”

With that, the great hero known throughout the land as Dragonborn, Dovahkiin, Slayer of Alduin the Terrible, strode forth on his latest journey to the top of High Hrothgar, boots stomping down as he tread towards the bridge that would start him on this fateful journey. . . .

And right into a female Khajiit who had been trying to sidle around for a short while. The Dragonborn was quite broad (big bones, he'd assure you) and even somecat of her lithe build found it difficult to get around him and on to the bridge.

"Hey! Watch where you're going, cat.". He snapped in a fairly thick Nordic accent.

The Khajiit snaked back her ears, glaring at him. She stood just a hair over five feet in height, with dark, golden brown fur and green eyes, with a mane of hair that was shorn to the length of her fur around the sides and back, while the top hung in a long, dark braid down the back of her neck. A set of gold earrings hung from her left ear, and she wore armor similar to that of a hold guard, but with a sash of dark gray/green, not matching any of the holds in Skyrim.
A steel sword and a small hide shield hung from her left hip, and she had an Elven bow and arrows hanging on her back, as well as a short knife.

In contrast, the Dragonborn stood some seven feet tall, though he was taller in his head, wore a full set of iron armor, and had a gigantic Skyforge steel greatsword slung across his back. Though outwardly he maintained a veneer of looming imposition, internally he quailed a bit at the look in the Khajiit’s eyes as she stepped up to him, tilting her head back to try and see his face better.

“What?!” She snapped, her accent a strange mixture of snarl and hiss. “What do you mean, ‘watch where I’m going’?! You’re the drunken fool that nearly ran into me!”

“Mind your tongue! Do you know who I am?!”

“Let me guess, some drunken mercenary off to fight some Draugr?”

“What?! I’m the Dragonborn!”

She went quiet, and he felt his chest, and head, swell three times its size at the fear and awe that his title could insp-

She started laughing, and he deflated. “Why are you laughing?! I’m serious!”

“You!? You’re the Dragonborn?”

“Yes!”

“The Slayer of Alduin? Defeater of Miraak? The one who brought down the vampire invasion and accepted the challenge of the Ebony Warrior and won?”

“Yes, yes, yes and yes!”

“. . . . Piss off.”

"No, really!"

She crossed her arms over her chest, narrowing her eyes. "Prove it."

He stared at her for a second, blinking, then stepped back, mouth thinning, before he turned and looked around, before stepping up to the edge of the bridge, facing out over the river, away from town or anywhere else that might be populated. He took a deep breath, eyes narrowing.

". . . ." He suddenly clenched, and held up a hand, turning and bending over. A long belch sounded, echoing across the river in every direction.

The Khajiit lowered her arms, one eyebrow climbing up her forehead. "Wow. I'm impressed."

He took a breath and motioned for her to wait. She began to give a slow clap. "No, really! Truly, only the great Dragonborn could have done something so . . . manly."

He sighed, turning and looking at her over his shoulder with a silent glare. She lifted her hands defensively. "What?!"

"You done?"

"Are you?"

With a growl under his breath he spun to face the river. "Fus . . . ro dah!"

The back blast nearly knocked her off her paws, and the force of the Thuum sent a massive spray of water flying up off the surface of the river, almost revealing the bottom of the riverbed in places as it traveled out over a small islet in the middle of the water. From out of the bushes, with a cry of fear and panic, a simple villager, his trousers down around his ankles, went flying off and fell into the river with a splash.

The Dragonborn grimaced, stepping back and dancing in place for a moment. The he leaned forward and cupped his hands around his mouth. "Sorry!" He yelled, cringing a bit, before turning around to look at the Khajiit, who was standing, hair mussed, eyes wide and mouth hanging open in the most dumbfounded of expressions.

"See? I told you." He said, looking as smug as a human being possibly could. Which meant almost as smug as an elf looked all the time.

She blinked rapidly a few times, shaking her head, before she reached up, rubbing her face with her hands, and then locked her eyes on him. "You . . . What . . . You really are the Dragonborn!"

His chest swelled, and he put his hands on his hips, tilting his head at what he figured was a heroic angle, and awaited the fawning admiration.

"How the fuck are we not all dead already?!" She asked, and, once again, he deflated, turning to look at her with his mouth open.

"Well, that's not very nice, is it?!"

"Nice? Nice?! Well, I'm sorry, mister 'Aren't I Special', but I just feel a bit of trepidation at the fact that the hero responsible for saving the world on multiple occasions is a fucking drunken idiot like you!"

"Hey!"

"I should have listened to my mother . . . 'Stay in Cyrodiil', she said! 'Nothing but drunken fools in Skyrim!', she said!"

"Hey, you take that back!" He said, stepping up on her, and she turned to face him, a snarl curling up her lip.

"Or what, big guy, gonna shout me to death?"

"I could!"

"Try me!"

The two were practically at each others' throats, the Nord doing almost as good a job at snarling as the Khajiit, when they suddenly became aware of a strange sound. A sort of . . . beeping, blooping sound, that quickly became overlaid with a heavy humming, vibrating feeling and a deep thumping. A blue light suddenly bathed them and they stepped back to look around.

They became aware of a large blue . . . thing, not really a shape, more just a pulsating orb of light, pulsing and throbbing in the air across the river. They watched as it moved back and forth, slowly lowering until it disappeared into the thick trees on the other side of the river, and the sound slowly died down to a low hum, even as the glow continued to filter through the trees into the fading twilight.

They both glanced at each other, eyes wide, before turning and starting across the bridge, the Dragonborn reaching up to slip his greatsword off his back, while the Khajiit slid her bow around, nocking an arrow as they both stepped off the road and into the trees, following the glow.

They stepped cautiously through the trees, both of them keeping a safe distance between them as they moved closer and closer to where the pulsating glow was coming from, the strange sound that accompanied it slowly lowering in volume until it was naught but a low, ambient hum. Stepping out of the trees into a clearing just beside the river, they both stopped, staring in confusion at what lay before them.

It looked like . . . a tiny house? The word ‘Box’ would have come to mind, were it not for the small windows that sat high up on all four sides. Those sides swept upwards into a peaked roof, atop which the glow coalesced into a flashing light, like some sort of magical lantern. There were characters from a language neither man nor Khajiit had ever seen written above the windows on all four sides.

The two looked at one another, and began to circle around the strange structure, the cat taking the left, the Nord taking the right. They walked all the way around it without incident, until they met back up on the opposite side, where they found themselves faced with a pair of double doors, one of which had a sign or plaque mounted on its face, with more strange characters written on it.

Courageous as he was (some might say ‘foolish’) the Dragonborn was the first to step forward towards the doors, much to his feline companion’s concern.

“Hey, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?” She said, stepping in front of him and putting her hand against his breastplate.

He glanced down at her and lifted an eyebrow . . . an effect which was lost on her, due to the helmet obscuring his face. “I am going to check it out.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Why?”

“Um . . . What?”

“Why are you going to ‘check it out’? This is clearly some form of strange magic, which I’m pretty sure neither of us knows how to deal with. We should contact a mage, and get them to come out and take a look at it!”

“Are you kidding? I’ve dealt with all sorts of strange magic, and never needed some namby-pamby mage to tell me how to do so! I guarantee, whatever that thing is, and whatever might be inside it, it won’t be anything I’ve not seen before!”

So saying, the Dragonborn unknowingly triggered the Multiversal Law of Unintentional Verbal Causality, which is the same Law that makes it a bad idea to say things like ‘it couldn’t get any worse’. Simply put, the multiverse is more sentient than most realize, and it is often paying attention to what you are saying. And it’s a bit of a dick.

And so it was that both Dragonborn and Khajiit snapped there heads around at the sound of the doors opening on the strange structure. It wasn’t an ominous sound, really, just like any other wooden door being opened. There wasn’t even a squeak, which the Dragonborn somehow felt should be against the rules. Nonetheless, both warriors stepped back, readying their weapons in preparation to battle whatever foul, abhorrent, monsterous, horrific beast might come forth from the darkness beyond the opening door.

So imagine their surprise when a small, grey horse tumbled out inside, landing hard on its chin and sliding a few feet, before coming to rest in front of them, a pair of wings sticking up from its back. It pushed itself up, and slowly opened its overly large eyes, revealing golden irises the size of tea saucers, that were quite crossed, and shook its blonde mane out of its face.

“Ah, muffins.” It said, in a high, breathy voice, blinking owlishly at the world around it.

The Khajiit blinked, staring at it for a long, quiet moment. “Well . . . that’s . . . unexpected.”

She heard heavy breathing, and glanced aside at the Dragonborn, to see him staring at the strange equine with eyes wide enough she could see it past the face guard of his helm. “You okay, big guy?” She asked, vaguely concerned, before the voice of the small horse, perhaps ‘pony’ would be a better term, pulled her eyes back to it.

“Um, I don’t mean to be a bother, but could one of you tell me where I am?” It said, looking up at them with its big eyes, which seemed to be focusing a bit more on the two of them, now, rather than everywhere at once.

The Khajiit opened her mouth, although to say what she wasn’t entirely certain, and that was perhaps for the best, as at that moment, her thoughts were cut short by a high pitched squealing sound, like a young girl, and she looked around sharply to see the Dragonborn drop his sword and, hands held to his face, dance a little jig. “Eeeee! Its. So. CUTE!” He exclaimed before rushing over and falling to his knees, hugging the small grey pony tightly.

The Khajiit stood and stared with a blank expression for a moment, before sighing deeply. “Somehow, that wasn’t unexpected at all.”

The pony looked at the big, dumb Nord hugging her for a second, before putting one of her wings around him and grinning, her eyes shutting. “Aww, thank you! But . . . That doesn’t really answer my question.” She opened her eyes, having gone quite wall-eyed again, and looked rather sad. “Ohhh, Doc, I think somethin’ went wrong.”

What an odd scene it would have been for any passersby to witness, a big strong Nord making cutsie baby noises while hugging a strange grey pony with wings while a baffled and disgruntled Khajiit stood by, shaking her head. But such is the way of the multiverse, that strange meetings may happen, and from them, stranger alliances are formed, on a quest of great importance!

Well, to someone, at least.

Into the Multiverse

Derpy Hooves sat on her haunches in the room atop Ponyville’s clock tower, tilting her head this way and that. The air was full of all sorts of strange sounds, beeps and bloops and buzzes and whirrs, and an otherworldly glow of an odd shade of blue bathed her from the light atop the strange box like structure across from her.

She could not read the writing that was printed on several signs hanging from it, and that annoyed her a bit. As a mail courier, she felt that she was pretty high up there, in the literacy game, certainly better than some in town, although perhaps not as good as others, like Twilight Sparkle.

Speaking of Twilight, there was a huge party going on down in the town square, and she was missing it, all because the Doc said he needed help with something of vital importance. She had been running around all over town collecting things for him all day long, and it was a really weird shopping list, to boot. All sort of diodes and pipes and light bulbs and Luna knew what else! And he had been hard at work under a tarp each time she returned with a delivery.

It had all started when she had to deliver a very large shipment of goods, labeled “Scientific Materials”, from Canterlot to the clock tower, and needed Doc to sign. Once he saw her, he immediately enlisted her help in gathering a few other last minute things he said he needed from the hardware store and other places around town. Some of it even came from Twilight’s castle! The princess had seemed a little confused by the requested items, and curious as to why Doc needed them, but in the end she was too preoccupied with preparing for her coronation tomorrow to bother asking about any of it.

When she had brought around the final bit of what he needed, he asked her to remain while he finished what he was working on, and, as he had asked politely and she didn’t need to be anywhere any time soon (the Cakes were babysitting Dinky), she had agreed. When he was finally finished, he had pulled the tarp away and revealed the . . . thing. She still wasn’t sure what it was. Some kind of . . . mini house? Painted blue, with a little light on top. Finally, rather than trying to figure it out on her own any longer, she decided maybe she should ask.

“So . . . What is it, Doc?”

Doctor Whooves stepped up beside her and looked at the large, house shaped box with a mixture of pride and confusion. "I call it a 'Transportation Across Realities and Dimensions In Space' machine.'

"Oh." Derpy said, eyes unfocused as she rubbed the side of her head with a hoof, before looking at him with a sorrowful expression. "Huh?"

"It is a bit of a mouthful, isn't it? Should probably shorten it, but to what? Eh, no matter. It is a machine for travelling between dimensions Derpy!" He said, becoming animated as he leaped up and gestured to the machine, grinning at her. "Able to travel literally anywhere you can think of in all the multiverse! And just in time to. . . " He grew suddenly more somber as he looked at her, then outside as the sound of the crowd all singing, the old Apple Family favorite, Days Gone By, and Derpy looked up as well.

"Aw, sounds like the party's really getting good out there, Doc! We should go down. . . " She stood up, but he blocked her with a hoof over her withers, turning her back towards the machine.

"Indeed, Derpy, the party is moving along, faster than I had anticipated. . . The amount of depression this will cause, the emotional fallout could be devastating!"

"Huh? What are you talking about, Doc? It's just a party."

"Not the party, Derpy! The End."

"End? Of what?"

"Potentially? Everything. Or, well, no . . . not everything, but this little corner of the multiverse, certainly, and possibly others besides."

"Oh. Well . . . That doesn't sound good."

Doctor Whooves walked her over to the box like house and opened the door, pushing her inside and following along with her. Inside, somehow, the box seemed . . . bigger, than it had from outside. A lot bigger, and a lot less box-like. In fact, it seemed more circular, with a large, pulsing cylinder in the middle, which glowed like flame, casting an orangish hued light over the interior, throwing shadows around from all the pipes and levers and gratings that hung everywhere.

Doctor Whooves started messing about with dials and levers at a sort of command station, like from that stage play, Star Trot, in the middle of the ship. He turned and looked at her, finally, as something in the air shifted. "Derpy, you are correct, it isn't very good at all. In fact, it could spell doom for everypony in Equestria, and beyond."

Derpy's eyes circled, then suddenly snapped into focus on him, as her pupils narrowed down. "Wh-What? But . . .Dinky! I've gotta-" The petite pegasus' withdrawal was halted by a strong Earth Pony hoof on her chest, as the Doctor stepped around in front of her, facing her squarely.

"Derpy, listen to me! I understand your concern, but there is nothing you can do to keep your little filly safe from here."

"Then . . . Then what can I do, Doc?! She's all I got, I can't lose her!"

"It's alright, Derpy. That's why I've built this machine, so you can save, not only your little Dinky, but every single one of us."

Derpy stared at him for a long moment, a moment pregnant with possibilities, and thoughts and hopes and fears and dreams, all whirling around the seriousness of this situation like an endless malestrom of doubt and emotional turmoil. . . .

Then Derpy's eyes went crossed and she made a low humming sound in her throat, frowning.

Doctor Whooves took a deep breath and put his hoof on her wither, drawing her attention to him once more. "Listen, Derpy. Soon, very soon, there's going to be an event horizon, and the Author's emotional state is going to start to crumble. You-" He was cut off by a low rumbling sound that seemed to vibrate the air around them both, sending little metallic creaking sounds throughout the interior of the box.

Derpy looked around, breath coming in short sharp pants. "What is that, Doc?!"

"Dear Celestia! It's happening already!" He rushed to the control center and pressed a few more buttons and gizmos. "Listen, Derpy! I've no more time to explain! The Trans Retaining- Gah! Blast it! The ship is programmed to take you where you need to go! It will deposit you there, and then you must find the pieces. The ship will let you know when it is time to leave, through this." He tossed her a small device, which she caught in her wings, clumsily fumbling it for a moment. "I call it a Sonic Fob." He continued, moving quickly to the doorway of the ship.

"But, I . . .What am I doing?! What's going on, Doc?! I'm scared!"

"It's alright, Derpy, Don't be afraid! You can do this!"

"What?!"

He paused looking over his shoulder into his lab, where a bright light could be seen shining from the direction of the windows, before turning back to her, a sad look on his face. "It's the Author, Derpy. His heart is broken, and it's up to you to find the pieces."

With that, he shut the door, leaving Derpy alone inside the machine. The Sonic Whatsit in her wing lit up, and a voice spoke, calmly and soothingly, through the device. "Preparing for Transdimensional Hop; Destination; Ivarstead, Skyrim, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1."

And there was a sound, a throbbing, pulsing beat to make DJ-Pon3 blush, wubbing its way throughout the ship, pounding into her ears, and the whole world seemed to spin for a moment, her eyes going crossed so badly she squeezed them shut. She laid down on the floor of the box, putting her hooves over her ears and clutched the Wotsit in her wings tightly, whimpering.

As quickly as it started, it began to die down, the sounds quieted and the machine stopped heaving every which way it could. The device spoke once more. "We have arrived. There is . . . one . . . piece of the Author's heart located somewhere within . . . twelve square miles . . . of the Transportation Across Realities and Dimensions In Space machine."

"That's such a mouthful." Derpy said, woozily, before she stood up and, staggering over to the doors, opened them up, and stumbled out. . . .

The Journey Begins

"So . . . let me get this straight," the Khajiit said, lifting an eyebrow. "You were sent here by a mage from your world, in a machine he created to, very specifically, take you to other worlds where pieces of this . . . 'Author's Heart' reside, so you can find them. Which the machine will, somehow know when you do, and will be ready to leave once you get back to it?"

The grey pony, who said her name was 'Derpy' nodded. "Uh-huh!"

The Khajiit narrowed her eyes. "I see . . . That seems terribly convenient."

"Well, I'm not gonna complain!" Derpy said, eyes wide. "I just wanna get home to my l'il muffin." She said, lower lip quivering, and there was a coo from across the table. The Dragonborn, still wearing his helmet, was staring at her with eyes shining so bright they could be seen, helmet or no.

The trio were sitting at a table at the Vilemyr, each of them with a flagon of Honningbrew in front of them. The look that ol' Wilhelm had given them upon entry with the pony had been astounding. Mostly due to how little he reacted at all. Upon being questioned, he had told the Khajiit that, when you lived in a town frequented by the Dragonborn, you got used to seeing odd things.

Looking at the huge Nord now, sitting there making goo-goo eyes at the cute little pegasus across the table, that wasn't hard to imagine.

"And, so," the Khajiit continued, "the machine brought you here. Why would a piece of the Heart be in Skyrim, of all places?" Perhaps it was her words, or more the tone of her voice, which finally brought the Dragonborn out of his cute coma, but he turned his head towards her.

"Hey!" He exclaimed, offended at the perceived implication that Skyrim was not worthy of such a thing.

The Khajiit shook her head, rolling her eyes, as the pony spoke up. "Um . . . I dunno. I thought . . . maybe you could tell me why it brought me here. I mean, you live here, ya know."

At this, the Dragonborn straightened up and spoke properly for the first time since meeting the pony, his booming voice carrying throughout the tavern as he did. "Well, little Derpy, that is because Skyrim is a land of high adventure and grand quests! As well as the home of great and fierce heroes! Heroes like me! The Dovahkiin!"

"Uhh . . . Who?" Derpy asked, eyes going crossed. Or, rather, more so than usual.

The Khajiit felt a smile curl up her lip as the Dragonborn deflated. "What? You mean you've not heard of me?" He asked, staring at the pony, who shook her head. He blustered, looking and sounding more than a bit like a spoiled child being told no. "I don't believe this! The Dragonborn is the greatest hero in Tamriel, known through all the worlds!"

"Sorry, mister Dragonborn, sir, but I don't know you. I know about dragons though!" Derpy said, smiling brightly, and both the Nord and the Khajiit looked at her, frowning.

"Really?" They asked.

"Yeah!" She replied brightly. "They make really great friends!" She frowned, eyes staring at two different points on the tablecloth before her. "Well . . . When they're not trying to bathe your town in nasty black smoke, or growing big out of greed and trying to play movie monster with your friends, or eating your Princess' castle, that is." She said, sitting there for a moment, before looking up and grinning at them again. "Yeah! Great friends!"

Both of the Tamrielans sat, staring at the pony for a moment, before the Khajiit covered her mouth, snorting, while the Nord simply gave a booming laugh, reaching out to pat her on the head. "Ha! You have a great sense of humour, little Derpy! You and I shall be bosom companions, I'm sure!"

Derpy simply looked confused, though that didn't seem to be anything too out of the ordinary for her, from what the Khajiit could tell. The Dragonborn continued speaking. "Never fear, though, pony friend! For I, the Dragonborn, shall aid you on your noble quest!"

"Really?" Derpy asked, smiling brightly.

"Really?" The Khajiit snapped, wide eyed as she looked at the man.

"But of course! It would be ignoble of me to not aid you! And, it sounds like a lot of fun, to boot!"

Derpy cheered, but the Khajiit leaned over, looking him in the eye. "Really."

"Yes!" He said, looking at her, and she got the impression he was frowning.

"Could you give us a second, Derpy?" She asked, politely smiling at the pony, who nodded.

"Oh, uh, sure!" The pony turned to her flagon of ale, while the Khajiit got up and grabbed the Nord, dragging him over to a corner by the door.

He pulled away from her, glaring down at her. "What do you want, cat?" He demanded, and she glared at him.

"You're promising to help that pony that just popped into existence out of a blue box, less than an hour ago, and which you know nothing about, find an item that you also know nothing about, that could well be magical, and could have drawn the attention of Messer knows what! Are you insane?!" She snarled under her breath, and he stood up straighter, if that was possible, horned helmet nearly scraping the ceiling.

"Khajiit, your kind may not have any honor, but mine most certainly do! I will not shy away from danger or risk, and will do all in my power as the Dragonborn to help fair Derpy!"

"You take that back, Nord!" She snarled at the insult, and her hand went to her sword.

"Make me, cat!" He replied, hand clenching into a fist.

They were glaring daggers at one another when suddenly there was a grey shape between them. "Hey, guys, calm down! What's wrong? I thought you were friends? Oh! Maybe if you keep arguing, the Princess will show up to solve your friendship problem, and I can just tell her what's going on!" Derpy said, smiling, before looking at the two of them. "What is it? Are . . . Are you not gonna help me?" She asked, lowering herself to the floor as her wings went still, eyes turning downcast.

The Khajiit felt a clench in her chest, and looked up, flinching a bit at the Nord's glare. He knelt down, putting a large hand on Derpy's shoulder (Wither. Whatever..) "I most certainly will, Derpy. You have my oath as a Nord, and as the Dragonborn!"

With a sigh, the Khajiit stepped around to face the pony, and smiled. "I guess . . . If the big lunker is going, then so am I. If only to make sure nothing earth shattering happens, along the way." She said, biting her lip.

"Great!" Derpy said, suddenly smiling broadly again. "So, where do we start?" She asked, looking at them expectantly.

"Uhhh. . . . " The Khajiit hesitated, unsure of how to answer that, but the big Nord beside them simply grinned, laughing again as he stood up.

"The answer to that question is easy, little friend! For if there's one thing my lifetime of questing has taught me, it's that most grand journeys start in the same place!"

"Oh, really?" Derpy asked, looking up at him. "Where?"

A few moments later, they were standing outside, looking up at the sheer rock sides of the Throat of the World, the highest peak in all of Skyrim, home to the Greybeards, elders of the Voice, known for their unending wisdom, who lived atop the highest point of the mountain, in their monastery of High Hrothgar, at the end of the Seven Thousand Steps.

"Oh . . . Muffins." Derpy said, softly, and the Khajiit could not help but agree.

The Thousand- Wait? We're NOT Doing That Now?

The Thousand- Wait? We're NOT Doing That Now?

"Are there really Seven Thousand Steps?" Derpy asked, wings beating against the cold, mountain air as she flew alongside the human and the Khajiit, squinting down at the snow covered, intermittent stone blocks that acted as steps winding around the mountain.

"Of course there are!" The Dragonborn replied, striking his armored chest with a gauntleted hand. "I have made this journey many times! Besides, why would they say there were seven thousand steps if there weren't?"

"Huh. Good point! I guess I'm just counting wrong!" Derpy said, smiling, her eyes closed.

The Khajiit's eyes were not closed, and she had been counting. About halfway up the mountain, a two hour journey, already, in the frigid cold that was making her teeth chatter and pull her clock tighter around herself, and she was only at about four hundred steps. Granted, there were large gaps between one set of steps and another, and she supposed time could have eaten away some steps, but, still . . .

There was no way in Jone's sweet crescent that this mountain had seven thousand steps going up it.

Derpy happily flapped along beside the two heroes, smiling into the cold air around her, as she felt like, maybe, she might be on the way to accomplish something. To see her little Dinky again, and get back home. She had a muffin in the oven that she was more than ready to get back to, after all, and . . . .

And why was everything so still, suddenly?

Looking about, the pegasus realized that the snow had stopped falling. Not that it had stopped snowing, but rather that the snow had literally stopped falling, stuck hanging in mid air as though on invisible strings. The wind had stopped blowing, and the air was no longer cold. Turning around, she saw that her companions were frozen, stuck in mid step, the big one with the sword on his back even had both feet slightly off the ground, and yet he hung there, as though gravity meant nothing.

Like she could talk, hovering in place as she was with such relatively tiny wings.

"Hey, that's not nice! My wings are average!" Derpy said, before blinking and looking around. "Wait. . . "

There was a flickering light and a sudden pop, as the sky around her began to . . . shudder and glitch, black lines forming across it, like fractures spreading across a mirror glass, and then, with a sudden, deafening silence, it all just . . . went away.

Derpy found herself hovering in a plain of nothingness, pure white stretching as far as she could see, but everything was so featureless, she could not even tell how far that was. There was no sense of distance or scale, no way to tell if the white was a hundred miles away, or right in front of her muzzle.

She looked around, breath coming harder as she felt panic trying to crawl up her throat. Her little Dinky . . . She had felt close! She needed to get home!

"Hello?!" She called out, feeling like her voice should have echoed, but instead it seemed somehow flat. Not muffled, but as though there was nothing to carry the sound past her own ears.

"Hello, Derpy." A voice, sounding vaguely like it was from the East End of Trottingham, said from behind her, and she turned in place, without really feeling like she was moving, and beheld an alicorn, but not one that the pegasus was familiar with. She was a pale grey in color, a bit lighter than Derpy's own coat, while her mane and tail were a similar straw blonde, although both had hot pink highlights running through them, and both hung long and straight, the mane cut short on one side, like a skater cut, or so Derpy thought. Her hooves were painted blue? Or maybe that was natural. It was hard to tell in the lighting of the place, because there really was no lighting. It was strange, a weird feeling of it being lit but not lit, all at the same time, like this place was some kind of-

"Paradox?" The alicorn said, tilting her head, and Derpy looked back to her, her eyes focusing once more.

"What?" She asked, blinking.

"A paradox, something that seems to contradict itself. That's because this place . . . kinda does contradict itself." She said, teal eyes glancing down as she frowned in annoyance. The alicorn looked . . . tired, worn down. She seemed thin, like she had not been eating enough, and her wings were ruffled, feathers disjointed and looking very much like they needed to be preened.

"Um, sorry, but who are you?" Derpy asked, still looking at the pony in confusion.

"Hm? Oh, um . . . I never really . . . had a proper name." She said, distantly, before glancing up into the sky . . . or possibly down at the ground, or maybe both. It was hard to tell. "I guess you could call me . . . Muse." She said, turning her eyes back to the pegasus mare.

"Muse? Oh. Okay." Derpy said, feeling a little sad for the alicorn, who was only a bit taller than the pegasus, putting her around the same size as Princess Twilight. "Where are we?"

"The Ether." Muse said, moving over to hover near Derpy, without seeming to move.

Derpy swallowed, looking around. "Where's that?"

"Everywhere. And nowhere." Seeing the confused look on the mare's face, Muse smiled slightly, an expression that seemed to have not graced her face in some time, judging by how stiff it was, but it still seemed genuine, lighting up her eyes as it did. "Do you remember when Princess Luna pulled all of Ponyville into a joint dream, to help her battle the Tantabus?"

Derpy nodded, smiling slightly. "I'll never forget it! I was so huge! And Spike looked like a big knight, and rode me into battle!" She paused for a moment, frowning slightly. "That was a little weird, now I think about it." She said, wondering momentarily why Spike might want to do such a thing. Was it just a childhood fantasy kind of thing, or something maybe . . .kinky?

"That doesn't matter, Derpy, what matters is that you know what it's like to be inside the Dreamrealms, or, at least, a dream."

"Wait . . . Did you know what I was thinking, just then?"

"Of course, Derpy." Muse said, smiling again.

"How?"

"Because . . . I am the Muse." She said, before winking. "Now, as for The Ether . . . Think of it . . . like a glue, but also like a river. It runs through and between all the different realms, all the different places within the multiverse, connecting them all and holding them together, while the Dreamrealms are sort of . . . they're like the banks of the river. They can act as a bridge, between all the different universes, if you know how to navigate them."

"Ohhh." Derpy said, nodding and smiling, before her eyes crossed and she shook her head. "Wha?"

With a chuckle, Muse shook her head. "Don't worry, Derpy. I'm here to help you get back home."

"Really?" The pegasus said, before frowning. "But, Doc said the only way to do that was to use his machine!"

"Oh, yeah, that . . . We're leaving that plotline right there, in the graveyard where it should be." Muse said, muzzle twisting in a grimace of distaste.

"Huh?" Derpy said, frowning.

"Yeah, no, see, the Author doesn't actually know enough about Doctor Who to keep trying to make references to it, and as for Skyrim . . . Well, a lotta people ain't so happy with Bethesda these days, so that's kind of a big banner asking for drama." Muse responded, a sentence that only left Derpy looking more confused, and the alicorn smiled. "Don't worry, Derpy. I promise, we'll get you home."

"But . . . Doc said something about the Author, too. What does that mean? Who is the Author?" She paused for a moment, then looked up. "Discord?"

""Who, him? You think he's the one behind it all?" Muse said, before smirking slightly to herself, then shaking her head. "No, no, no. Just . . . You see . . . You . . . Don't need to worry about that. Just . . . Help me, and you'll help yourself." She said, nodding. "Okay? I promise, do this, and we'll have you back to your little Muffin Dinky in no time."

Derpy looked into the alicorn's eyes, biting her lip as her own golden eyes slowly came back together, bringing the fine features of the other pony's face into focus. She was . . . kind of pretty, in a princess-y kind of way. That thought helped her reach a decision, and so Derpy nodded, finally, smiling.

"Okay, Princess Muse!" She said, cheerfully.

"Oh, I'm . . . not a princess."

"You're an alicorn! That makes you a princess in my book!" Derpy said, grinning, and, slowly, the smile on Muse's face spread wider as well, and she nodded.

"Alright, then, Derpy. If you say so." She said, before turning and pursing her lips, and Derpy looked around as well.

"So . . . How do we get out of here?"

"I'm working on it . . . We're going to need help to get you home. We still need some threat and danger, after all. If we could just do everything ourselves, it wouldn't be very entertaining, would it?"

"Um. I guess not?" Derpy said, frowning, before she started to become aware of . . . something. For the first time since she found herself in the white, blank space, the Ether, she felt a sense of something other than her own body. A feeling, like a looming presence, a claustrophobic feeling that wrapped around her, as though to squeeze the life out of her like some great serpent. She turned, looking around, and saw . . . something. a darkness, seeming to spread through the white expanse. She still could not tell how big it was, or any real sense of proportion or scale, but she somehow felt it was getting closer to her.

"Uhhh . . . Princess Muse?" She said, trying to take a step back, but finding her hooves could not move. She glanced down, but saw nothing wrong with them, other than the dizzying feeling of not being able to tell if she was standing on top of something or not. She glanced back up, seeing that spreading darkness again, and now beginning to make out that it seemed to have little . . . flecks of color, a green tinge, spread throughout it, as it moved and shifted through the white nothingness like poisoned veins spreading, reaching, crawling towards them.

"Princess Muse!?" Derpy said, desperation clawing at her, as she gulped down air, looking at the thing that was coming towards them, still unable to tell how close it was, only that it was getting closer with ever beat of her panicked heart.

"MUSE!" She screamed, only to feel a warm, tingling sensation, like static electricity, flowing over and around her, a soft feeling, strange, but not unpleasant.

"It's alright, Derpy. It's too early in the story for anything really bad to happen, anyway." Muse said, and Derpy frowned in confusion and fear.

"What do you-" Her words were cut off by a gasp of shock as she suddenly felt like something pulled on her very soul, hard, and then found herself falling up, through the ground, before turning diagonal somewhere around the fifth dimensional paradox, and taking a right at the space-time continuum, before being dropped headfirst through a blanket of static and falling hard onto her back.

Her eyes opened, and she looked around, gasping for breath as she struggled back up to her hooves, looking around.

Muse was standing nearby, panting slightly, looking ever so slightly more ragged than before. Derpy looked around, finding that she was standing, albeit shakily, in a dark, wet alleyway, the sort she'd expect to see in Manehattan or maybe the rougher sides of Detrot. The buildings to either side were huge, stretching up, high into the air above either of them, and, in fact . . . everything in the alley, even the ubiquitous overflowing Dumpster and the old metal trashcan, seemed so much bigger than she thought they ought to be, as though she were no bigger than a dog, to them.

"Where . . . Where are we?" She asked, furtively.

Taking a shaking breath, Muse looked up. "Canterlot." She said, turning and looking to the far end of the alleyway, before glancing over at the skeptical expression on Derpy's face. "But not your Canterlot. This is another Canterlot, that's a bit . . . Different, from the one you know. In a world that's a bit different than the one you know. Sort of a . . . blend, between your world, and the one the Author resides in."

Seeing that the pegasus was still confused, the alicorn gestured with a wing, beckoning the other mare to follow along with her, and she led the way to the end of the alleyway, where she poked her head out from behind a trashcan, scanning the area beyond, before turning and nodding her head for Derpy to come look.

She stepped up beside the other pony, and felt her mouth drop open, her eyes widening and focusing on what was before her. It was a street, wider than any she had seen, and paved like those in Manehattan. Carriages moved up and down it, without anypony attached to pull them, the sound they made like an angry bugbear. And, to either side of the streets, on the sidewalks, were creatures like none she'd ever seen. They were colored like ponies, and in fact . . . some even seemed strangely familiar to her, yet they couldn't be. She'd never seen creatures like these, tall and twiggy, moving about on two legs, with their weirdly flat faces moving here and there as they spoke to one another.

She glanced aside at the alicorn beside her, who smiled and shrugged. "Welcome to Equestria Girls." She said, smirking.

Author's Note

Jeeze. Sorry for the long wait, Everypony. This year has been . . . Yeah. And, it's still not over yet. Real life is set to put a boot up my ass for a while longer, but, I'm working on kicking it back, just as hard. So, we'll see who wins. For the moment, enjoy this return to absolutely random bollocks! Also, look, guys! It's Muse! Anypony remember Muse?! The Ponified avatar of my own drive and motivation? SHe's looking a bit ragged, these days, isn't she? Let's see if we can help her out, eh? Can we get this story to ONE BILLION LIKES?! For Muse?! C'mon, everypony! SMASH IT! :pinkiecrazy:

Anywho, until next time, ponies! Harmonia Invictus!

Getting Handsy

BonBon lifted her head up from her pillow, blinking owlishly at the clock by her bed, which told her it was 4:01 a.m. She did not like being woken up without reason to begin with, let alone so early on the weekend, after a long week crunching for finals. However, whoever it was that had knocked on the door to her dorm room did not seem to care, and as such had more than earned her wrath.

The girl got up, stretching, the movement exposing a bit of her midriff as her feet touched the carpeted floor. It wasn't expensive carpet, by far. In fact, calling it 'cheap' might've been being too kind. It had a certain slick, plastic-y feel that made her wonder at how many smelly, sweaty feet had walked across it, throughout the years. She made a mental note to never let that thought slip in front of Lyra, with whom she shared the room, lest she come in one night to find the minty colored girl sniffing the carpet.

Another knock on the door sounded, causing BonBon's scowl to return full force. She pushed herself up with a groan, and walked out into the main room, noticing that Lyra's door was still shut. The girl could sleep through anything, a trait which BonBon truly envied right now. She walked over to the door as yet another knock, louder and more insistent, echoed through the room.

A part of her brain registered that there was something odd about the knock, a certain hollow echo, as though whoever it was, they were using an empty cup or bowl to strike the cheap, faux wooden door, as well as the placement, which seemed . . . quite low down, on the door, as though they were only about three or four feet tall.

However, these thoughts were mostly buried under the exhausted rage which was boiling up from within her. It was too early in the morning for it to be a child, as such it must be a dwarf, who was looking to commit suicide via angry college student. There was no other explanation that made sense.

She opened the door, face twisted in anger. "What the fuuu. . . . " Her angry exclamation died off as her cerulean eyes were met with a pair of golden eyes that were very crossed and very familiar. "Muffins?" She asked, frowning, before her tired brain caught up with her eyes, and screamed a warning siren.

"Where?" The grey, winged pony hovering before her exclaimed, in time for BonBon to blanch and slam the door in her face.

The blue haired girl took a breath, blinking and shaking her head. No. No, she was just tired. She had not just seen a grey Pegasus with the eyes of an old high school friend floating outside her door. That was impossible.

The last portal to Equestria had closed quite suddenly some years ago, just before the students of Canterlot High had graduated and gone off their separate ways. BonBon had been to Equestria once, of course, when Sunset Shimmer had led the entire school through a portal on a deserted island, in order to escape a sinking ship. However, she remembered very little, other than how . . . eerily familiar so much of it had been.

There came a knock on the door again, interrupting her thoughts, and the girl jumped, letting out a small shriek of shock, before closing her mouth tightly. The last thing she needed to do was wake up Lyra. She was still convinced she had seen wrong, but if that was a pony outside, Lyra Heartstrings was not the human who needed to know. She had slightly more . . . vivid memories, of Equestria.

And she had never quite let it go.

Clearing her throat, she slowly opened the door again, looking outside, and her eyes widened upon finding the Pegasus still hovering outside. Movement drew her eyes downwards, to another pony, this one with wings and a horn. BonBon remember that they had a special name, but could remember what it was. Whatever she was, she had a pale grey coat, blonde mane and tail, both with a streak of pink, cool mint green eyes and . . . blue hooves? She, something about both ponies made it clear they were female, was about the size of a large dog, her head, held upright, coming to just below BonBon's sternum.

"Hello, Sweetie Drops." The mare said, voice tired, matching the bags under her eyes.

"Um . . . My name is BonBon." The girl said, and the mare paused, opening her mouth. However, the hovering pegasus spoke up, then.

"BonBon? I know a BonBon! She owns a sweet shop, back home! I prefer Sugarcube Corner's muffins, personally, but my li'l Dinky loves BonBon's candy!" She tilted her head, gold eyes starting to focus a bit more as she frowned at the human girl. "You actually kind of look like her."

"That's because she is her, Derpy. Or, at least, this universe's version of her." The other pony said, and BonBon looked at her.

"That's not a very nice thing to call her!" She said, her previous anger starting to return, now.

"What?" The Wingacorn said, blinking in surprise.

"Derpy! That's mean!"

"It is?" The golden eyed mare said, blinking as well.

"Of course it is!" BonBon said, gesturing to the flying pony. "It's not her fault her eyes are like that!"

"Like what?" Muffins said, blinking again as her eyes crossed.

"Oh, I see." The Pegunicorn said, sighing. "Just as your name is slightly different in this universe, BonBon, so is hers. In your world, her name is . . . Muffins? Really, that's very unoriginal. However, in her world, she's Derpy Hooves."

"Derpy Hooves?" BonBon said, and the Pegasus smiled.

"That's me!" She said, grinning.

BonBon pondered at how she was standing in her doorway at four-thirty in the morning, having such a conversation with a pair of ponies, and felt her head starting to hurt. Also, an equally random thought occurred to her.

"Hang on . . . First, I thought all the portals to Equestria closed ages ago, and, second, I thought ponies always became humans when they crossed through?"

The Peganacorn sighed again and shook her head. "I don't have time to detail all the different forms and methods of interdimensional and multiversal travel and how they affect those who are travelling. Suffice to say, that's not how it worked for us, and we need help. But first, may we come inside, before one of your neighbours gets curious?"

BonBon frowned, looking around, then back inside, to make certain that Lyra's door was still shut. She bit her lip, glanced back down at the two ponies, one cross eyed and adorable, the other tired and . . . also adorable, and pressed her lips together. "Damn it, fine, come in." She said, stepping aside and opening the door wider.

"Thank you." Said the Pergenan.

"Did you say you had muffins?" Said the Pegasus, as she flew inside, wings flapping lightly.

"Just, keep your voices down, please, I'd rather my roommate didn't wake up." BonBon said, glancing once more at the other girl's door, then outside, before shutting and locking the door. "Now, what's going on? And how can I help? Shouldn't you have gone to Sunset Shimmer?"

"That would have been the more logical option, but the Author suddenly had an idea for a joke." The Pergent said, glancing around the room, and BonBon frowned.

"Uh, what?"

The pale grey mare turned, smiling and shaking her head. "Nothing. Doesn't matter. Now, what we need is fairly simple." She said, before going quiet and pursing her lips.

BonBon stood, staring between her thoughtful expression, and Muffin . . . Derpy's slightly vacant one, before clearing her throat. "And . . . What exactly is it, that you need?" She asked.

The two ponies looked at one another, Derpy with a smile, while the other simply continued looking thoughtful. She turned, looking at BonBon, took a breath and smiled. "We need to break into a heavily guarded, underground government experimentation facility ran by a bloodthirsty General who, if we're caught, would have you killed and would probably dissect both of us to figure out what makes us tick, so that we can steal a highly technologically advanced piece of prototype hardware, that we need in order to save the Author from himself."

BonBon sat, staring at the Prangent, blinking while her mouth hung open, her mind gone totally blank of anything to say in response to what the pony had just said to her.

Then Lyra's door opened.

"Bonnie? Are you watching TV or somethi-" The minty green girl came to a total stop, eyes widening while her mouth worked, a high pitched squeaking sound coming from her throat as it did.

"Ah, that's unfortunate." The Pergananicornicus said, frowning slightly.

A high pitched, multitoned squealing sound, similar to a TIE fighter on helium erupted through the room, the sound rattling the brain and making the inner ear bleed, as the two ponies and one girl all flinched, covering their ears, while Lyra Heartstrings, up and coming music major, danced in palce, squealing giddily into her hands.

"PONIES!!!"