The Soul with Swag

by Fazponyjack

Rating: teen
Tags: Apple Bloom, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Zecora, Human
Length: 1669

Swaggersouls tries to prove his existence in another dimension to his friends. Main theme: Fuck you.

Swaggersouls tries to prove his existence in another dimension to his friends. Main theme: Fuck you. He's not short, just directionally challenged.
Rated T for excessive swearing.
Proofread by my Grandma.
Holy shit, he's even shorter!

Published 2019-10-18 16:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-10-18 16:10:01 UTC

The joke ain't a joke, it's the joke in the joke

“You look like a warrior from the old times," Celestia deduced, scrutinizing the unicorn in front of her.

“I am a knight, thank you for asking,” He replied in his smooth, Australian tinted voice, placing a hoof on his chest, which was swelling with pride.

“But you do seem… short,” Celestia admitted, which set him off.

“Hey fuck you!” He said, deflating and pointing an accusatory hoof at the princess. He face hoofed with an exhausted sigh. “I need some fuckin’ weed..." He turned and exited the throne room as Celestia looked on quizzically.

***

Twilight heard a knock at her door. She softly closed her book before taking a moment to stretch. The pony outside started banging on the doors impatiently.

“Just a second!" She trotted over to the door with a smile on her face and opened it. She wasn't expecting a knight helmet. Or the top of one for that matter.

She looked down to look the pony in the face. “How can I help you?”

“You got any weed...s?” He emphasized the s, which confused Twilight.

“I’m sorry, what?” She said, getting an impatient groan from the short pony.

“Ya got any weeds?” He asked, staring at her.

“Why would you need weeds?” She asked.

“Ya got any weeds?” He nudged her with an elbow before realization dawned on her.

“Wha- I’m a princess! And weed is ILLEGAL!” She screamed, flaring her wings, causing the short knight to recoil in surprise.

“Shit.” He took off in a sprint, heading straight to the forest. Twilight made no attempt to stop him.

ONE WEEK LATER
EVERFREE FOREST

Swaggersouls was sitting in Zecora's hut, sitting at his makeshift computer setup which somehow came with him.

“Here we go.” He said under his breath. He checked that his headphones were properly over his ears before using his yellow magic to move the mouse over the Misfits voice channel in Discord, then joined, happy to see Fitz and Toby already there.

“Hello?” He said, hoping for an answer.

“And this is SwaggerSouls!” Fitz introduced him, to which he went wide-eyed.

“Oh shit, we’re starting. Hi!” Swagger said, getting a light snicker from the other two.

“Where are you, Swagger? We haven’t seen you in a week!” Fitz asked.

“I swear man, i’m in a fucking childrens show,” He said, raising a hoof to show off where he was even though no-one could see it.

“I feel like you’re lying,” Fitz flatly admitted.

“No, I-I swear! Hold on lemme- ZECORA!” He called, moving his muzzle away from the mic.

“Do you have an inquiry, my dearie?” She responded.

“Shut up and come talk to ‘em!” Swagger ordered, watching impatiently as she took her time to walk over. She seemed lost, so he silently pointed at the mic.

She put her muzzle an inch from it. “Hello?”

“Speak louder!” Swagger whispered urgently at her.

“Hello?” She spoke up.

“Voice actor.” Toby claimed.

“No no, it’s true! There’s a fucking talking zebra right next to me! I- hold on, I think I got a webcam around here somewhere…” He said before digging around in his drawers.

“Aha!” He exclaimed, pulling a dusty camcorder out of his bottom drawer and lifting it in the air before slamming it shut. He quickly flipped open a panel on the left side of it before slipping his hood into the strap on the right side. First, he connected it -somehow- via usb, started streaming the camera app on his camera to Discord, and pointed it at her.

“There, we’re live!” They both stayed silent.

“Say something!” He whisper-shouted at her, gesturing at the camera.

“H-hello?” She uncertainly greeted, putting on a nervous smile.

“See? You see it? It’s a fucking talking zebra!” Swagger exclaimed, thrusting a hoof towards her.

“What the fuck?” Toby said in disbelief.

“That’s some My Little Pony shit right there!” Fitz exclaimed, leaning closer to his mic to get a better look at his screen.

“Still could be editing,” Toby continued, leaning back with his arms crossed.

“Make her do a flip!” Fitz requested in a funny voice as they burst into laughter.

“Okay! Zecora, do a flip!” Swagger said, getting a temporary somber gaze from the potion maker.

“I am sorry, great knight, I cannot help in your plight,” She answered, getting a quizzical look from Swagger before it switched to anger.

“Stop doing that rhyme-y shit and DO IT!” He yelled, making Zecora take a step back in surprise.

“Do not speak to me like a pet, I, too, deserve some respect!” Zecora raised her voice, anger showing on her face.

“I don’t fucking care, jus-just do something magical or some shit!” Swagger shouted, throwing his free hoof into the air in exasperation.

“Here, Fitz, tell her to do something that only a My Little Pony character could do!” Swagger said, listening to Fitz clicking and typing for something.

“Here, poison joke! Get some of that!” Fitz relayed what he read on screen.

“Grab some poison joke!” Swagger ordered.

“I will only retrieve what you desire, if only to quench your disrespectful manner!” She informed him before heading out.

As soon as the door shut behind her, another pony entered.

“Back already?” Swagger asked, looking at the door. He was confused, before the filly in question cleared her throat, bringing his attention to her.

“Oh shi- Apple Bloom! Come over here!” Swagger excitedly beckoned her over, watching her trot over in confusion.

“Whaddya need?” She asked, before Swagger shoved the camcorder in her face, stopping inches from impacting her. She recoiled a tiny bit in surprise.

“See? It’s a fucking pony! W-with intelligence and shit!” He shouted at his friends, all three watching her stare at him with a deadpan expression.

“Got a problem?” She asked in an annoyed tone.

“Yes, I got a fucking problem! These fuckers back on Earth don’t believe me!” Swagger explained quickly, leaning towards the filly a bit.

He then noticed that she was staring at his flank in concern.

“Hey, stop staring at my ass!” He scolded while turning her head back to his with his free hoof.

“I’m sorry, I just noticed ya don’t got a cutie mark, so ah- “

“What the fuck is a cutie mark?!” Swagger interrupted.

“It’s what everypony earns once they discover their special talent, typically at a young age,” Apple Bloom recited, having researched this subject thoroughly.

“She’s right,” Fitz agreed, reading from his other monitor.

“I feel like I've watched My Little Pony,” Toby said quietly, the mic barely picking it up as he distantly gazed at the filly on his screen.

Suddenly the door flew open. “I have returned, dearest knight, with the cure to your plight,” Zecora announced, snapping their attention away from his lack of a cutie mark and to her saddlebags overflowing with blue flowers.

“Here, give it,” Swagger ordered as he snatched it with his magic and rubbed it on his body. He quickly tossed it into a pile in front of him. He started to look himself over. All of a sudden, everything was taller. He hopped off his DXRacer to confirm and, sure enough, he was shorter, just as short as Apple Bloom.

“The fu- it made me fucking shorter!” Swagger exclaimed, glaring at the pile of discarded poison joke. Fitz and Toby started laughing hard at his expense, basically rolling on the floor in laugher, if they weren’t restrained by cords.

“Start the goddamn bath!” Swagger screeched at Zecora, pointing a commanding hoof at her.

After Fitz and Toby settled down, Toby said one thing that set him off: “I don’t believe you.”

Swagger had his teeth bared at this point, growling loudly in anger before snapping.

“FUCK YOU GUYS!” Swagger chucked the camcorder at the wall, shattering the camcorder into pieces as a hole was left in the wall.

Apple Bloom was holding back a snicker, covering her smile with a hoof.

“THE FUCK YOU LAUGHIN’ AT?!” He yelled at the filly, getting all up in her face. He growled for a second before continuing.

“You're lucky you're a kid, or else I woulda smacked your oversized face!" Swagger threatened, glaring daggers at her.

He grunted and shoved her to the side, stomping out of the hut towards Ponyville.

PONYVILLE

Swagger angrily slammed Twilights door multiple times, slightly surprised that the old wooden door didn't shatter like glass. Twilight quickly threw open the door, hoping to keep her door.

Before she had a chance to speak, Swagger yelled up to her.

“Fix me." Twilight looked down at him.

“Wha-” Swagger shoved a hoof into her muzzle, muffling her.

“No talking. No bullshit. Fix me. Now.” Her face quickly switched to anger for a second before she calmed down.

“You're lucky I learned a spell for this after last time," She said, having levitated his hoof back down. Her horn glowed bright before it emitted a flash, blinding him for a few seconds.

He stumbled back, shouting obscenities while rubbing his eyes. Shortly after, he reopened them and noticed that he was Twilights height once again.

He walked up to the mare with an apologetic look. He sighed before speaking. “Listen, I'm sorry. I'm just angry that none of my friends believe me," He lifted a hoof up to her, offering a shake.

“Friends?" He asked, watching her hopefully.

Twilight smiled softly. “Friends.” She shook his hoof.

He lowered his hoof while Twilight did the same. “Great! Now I gotta get outta here before that pink bitch finds me," He waved by before sprinting g back to the forest.

“Her name’s PINKIE PIE!" She yelled after him, watching his form shrink in the distance. She sighed.

‘Tomorrow's another day,’ She thought to herself as she retreated back into her tree home, slamming the door behind her.

Author's Note

Just for fun. Think nothing of it (unless you finna thumbs up, comment, and buy his Youtooz).