I Fell Through a Mirror and All I Got Was This Crappy Horn
“Hnnggrnnn…”
A voice began to chuckle somewhere off to his right. Rock Bottom lifted an eyelid and quickly shut it. The light hurt his eye.
“Whaddaya waaaaaaaant? It’s too damn early for me to deal with people right now!” He tried to bury his face deeper into his pillow and pull the covers up, but something got in the way of his head and he couldn’t get a grip on the blanket.
“Welcome to Equestria,” a woman said.
“Go awa– huh? Where?”
“Equestria. You’re in for quite a shock.”
“Ok, sorry I asked. Mind turning the light down, lady? It’s like lens-flare lights from a Space Journey movie in here.”
“The sooner we get you acclimated, the better. You’re going to be stuck in Equestria for 30 moons.”
Rock Bottom bolted upright and opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was that he definitely wasn’t in his own bed. Everything was the polar opposite of where he lived. Huge, well-kept bedroom, four-poster bed, clean sheets, etc. He went to rub his eyes, only to find the second-worst thing he’d ever seen. His hands were gone. Just gone, like they’d never been there in the first place.
Rock Bottom screamed and tried to jump out of the bed, but he lost his balance and fell flat on his face. A large white horse with a horn and a pair of wings entered Rock Bottom’s field of vision. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?” he screamed at the horse.
“You fell through the Crystal Mirror right before it closed. I don’t know what humans look like, but your body must have changed dramatically if you’re so unaccustomed to being a pony.”
A glowing energy field enveloped Rock Bottom and set him on his hands and feet. At least, were they had been. Rock Bottom tried to stand up on his hindlegs and lost his balance again.
The horse levitated him back onto his hooves. “Interesting. Were you originally a biped, like a dragon?”
Rock Bottom was still too shocked to reply. He took a wobbly step forward with his foreleg, then another with his opposite hindleg. He walked unsteadily over to the mirror on the dressing table and took stock of his new anatomical situation. He had a light gray coat with a white mane and tail and light green eyes. He had a horn peeking out of his mane and a picture of a whale in a bathtub on each flank. “Fuuuck… I’m a horse now?”
“Pony. You and I are ponies.”
“Am I gonna, like, fart rainbows?”
The other horse, uhh, pony, ignored that last comment. “I’m Princess Celestia. I, along with my sister, Princess Luna, am the ruler of Equestria. You came to our world through the Crystal Mirror, a portal between our worlds. Apparently, you fell through it and whacked your head on the ground, knocking you unconscious. It closed soon after you arrived about 2 days ago. I had you brought here to Canterlot Castle from the Crystal Empire. Do you remember anything from before you came here?”
“Yeah, I tripped over my shoelaces and reached out to keep myself from knocking my head into the statue, but my hand went through it and I wound up here.” A couple of those words seemed to go over her head.
“I’ll help you start adjusting to our world tomorrow. Let’s get you some dinner first. It’s been at least two days since you last ate.”
“So, you came from the human world. What do humans look like? I sent my former student, Twilight Sparkle, there once to retrieve her element of harmony, but she didn’t have time to learn the terms for humans’ anatomy.”
“Oh, right, I remember her. Made a big splash at the Fall Formal and put Sunset Shimmer in her place, that bitch. Alright. We humans have hands on our arms and feet on our legs. Arms are like forelegs. We stand on our hindlegs only, with our arms the same distance from our heads as a pony’s. Our hands have five flexible fingers we can use to pick stuff up. Obviously, these hooves aren’t like that. How the hell am I supposed to pick anything up with these damn things without kinda sandwiching stuff between them?”
“Well, you can hold something with your hoof if you flex your it around the object you want to pick up,” Celestia said, manifesting an apple on the table and picking it up with one hoof. “Go ahead, try it,” she said, setting the apple back on the table.
Rock Bottom would have tried this if he wasn’t gobsmacked by what the princess had just done. “How did you do that!? That kind of stuff doesn't just happen on its own!”
“There isn’t magic where you come from?”
“Just stupid magicians with cheap tricks.”
“Unicorns and alicorns can do spells with their innate magic here in Equestria. We’ll talk about that later. Try picking up the apple.”
Rock Bottom reached for the apple and tried flexing the muscles in his foreleg like he would with fingers on his hand. That did the trick, and he raised the apple his mouth and took a bite before setting it back on the table.
Celestia gave a short laugh. “You’re a unicorn, though. Every unicorn can levitate things with their magic. It’s hard to explain how we produce magic from our horns. The best way to describe it is that we focus on our horns and picture lifting objects in our minds.”
It took Rock Bottom a few minutes of various little sparks of magic from his new horn before he managed to surround the apple with a light blue aura and lift it off the table a few inches. He pictured it flying a bit higher and doing a sideways figure-eight in the air in front of him. He was surprised when the apple actually did a figure-eight.
“I’ve never seen anypony pick up levitation so quickly before. Admittedly, most unicorns learn to control their magic in foalhood, but that’s impressive nonetheless.”
“Are there other things unicorns can do?”
“Yes, many things. The magic you can do most often depends on your special talent. Unfortunately for you, based on your cutie mark, I’d guess your special talent is doing nothing.”
“Well, that’s pretty much what I did when I was a human.”
“From what you’ve said, I gather that human culture is very different from Equestrian culture. I think Twilight Sparkle and her friends may be able to help you adjust and fit in until the portal re-opens. She lives in the town of Ponyville.”
“How long will it be until I can go home?”
“30 moons.”
“How long is that? 30 days or 30 years?”
“Nopony has strictly defined how long a moon is. Princess Luna keeps track of planetary movements in the sky and says ‘Hey, a moon has passed,’ and everypony just deals with it. Usually, it’s around every 15 days, so you’ll be around for about 450 days."
“That’s like… a year and 3 months where I’m from,” Rock Bottom calculated.
“I’ll have one of the guards find you some saddlebags, a few snacks for the train ride to Ponyville and some bits for the ticket. You can set off tomorrow morning.”
“Ok. Thank you for letting me stay here. Dunno how I would’ve figured out this body on my own.”
“The pleasure was mine,” Celestia replied. “I’d very much like to learn more about your homeworld, if you’re willing to write me.”
In the morning, Princess Celestia waved Rock Bottom good-bye as he started for the train station. He hoped nobody would try to talk to him. While he felt ok in his new body, Rock Bottom was worried about Celestia’s remark that human and pony culture were very different from each other. Luckily, it seemed like every… pony spoke English, or something like it.
At the station, Rock Bottom kept his head low while paying for the ticket to avoid talking to the clerk. It took a while to float the bits out of his saddlebags (he was still getting used to floating things around with his magic), but Rock Bottom eventually bought his ticket and got to the platform for the… “Friendship Express.”
This is my world now, Rock Bottom thought to himself as he boarded the train.
When he arrived in Ponyville, Rock Bottom started walking around, looking for the Golden Oak Library. He figured it was a tree of some sort, and turned out to be correct when he followed the arrow on the road sign written in gibberish that somehow made sense to his new eyes.
Rock Bottom knocked on the door of the library. A small purple and green dragon opened the door.
“Huh. For some reason, I figured Twilight Sparkle would be a pony,” Rock Bottom said.
“Nah, I’m just Twilight’s assistant, Spike. She’s inside. Princess Celestia said you’d be coming.”
Rock Bottom walked into the tree.
“Hi! I’m so happy you’re here!”
“You’re Twilight Sparkle, I’m guessing?” Rock Bottom addressed the purple pegasus-unicorn within.
“Yup! How was the trip?”
“Y’know, I’m still getting used to the rainbows and unicorns thing. Musta been REALLY weird for you, coming to the human world.”
“The worst part was not having my magic. I’m guessing it’s equally weird for you to have magic.”
“Well, I mean, it’s convenient, I guess. The princess said there were other spells besides floating stuff around? Can I learn some of those?”
“Well, I’ve never taught magic before, but I don’t see any reason not to try a hoof at some basic spells. My friends are waiting at Sugarcube Corner. Let’s talk some more later, after we’ve gotten you settled in.”
Twilight and Rock Bottom strolled through Ponyville.
“My friends are Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Applejack.”
“Yeah, they all exist back in the human world, and you met them, I guess. What’re they like here?"
“Over here, they’re mostly the same. Dash is kind of a hoofful, but you’ll never meet a more dedicated pony. Fluttershy is pretty reserved, but she’ll warm up to you if everypony else thinks you’re ok. Rarity’s the fussy one. She makes dresses, but I’m sure she’d be willing to set up a stallion like you with some attire. I can understand if you don’t want to go around in the nude, since humans wear clothes all the time. Pinkie Pie is the party animal. I wouldn’t be surprised if she put together some kind of celebration of your arrival at Sugarcube Corner. As to what tipped her off, well, the reach of the Pinkie Sense is great. And Applejack is the moralist of our group. She could talk your ear off about apples, but at least you’ll know she’s not blowing smoke up your plot.”
Twilight and Rock Bottom arrived at Sugarcube Corner and sat at the table with Twilight’s friends gathered around it. There were some streamers and balloons scattered around, and there was a cake on the table that with “Don’t Panic” frosted on it in big, friendly letters.
“That looks delicious! But what’s the frosting mean?” Twilight asked.
“Just seemed right!” Pinkie Pie replied enthusiastically.
Twilight just shook her head, smiling. “Alright, everypony, this is our guest, Rock Bottom.”
“Hah! Must be a hardass!” Rainbow Dash quipped.
Rock Bottom chuckled despite himself and introduced himself. “Ok, yeah. Rock Bottom, at your service. I’m 20 years old, and I guess I’m a unicorn now. Apparently, I fell through the portal Twilight used to get to my world. I didn’t do much back when I lived there, ‘cept some odd jobs around a farm during the summers. Hoping I won’t be too much of a burden on you guys for the next 30 moons,” he finished with an uneasy grin.
Rainbow Dash came forward first with a hoofshake. “Nice to meet ya. You ever decide to try your luck at hoofball, you got yourself a teammate.”
Pinkie Pie came out of nowhere (literally) and pounced on him with a hug. “This is a great chance for more parties! You gotta lemme know your birthday and your sister’s birthday and when you wore a hat for the first time and when you got your cutie mark and EVERYTHING!”
“I got that whale picture today,” Rock Bottom groaned from underneath her. Eventually, he managed to separate himself from the tangle of limbs, and immediately came face to face with Applejack.
“Howdy, sugar cube. Welcome to Ponyville. We have a bunch of extra apple pies from our last sale, so stop by our farm whenever you’re feeling hungry.”
“Thank you, that sounds pretty appetizing.”
“Pleased to make your acquaintance,” came a refined voice. Rock Bottom turned around to face an alabaster mare. “You’ll have to tell me all about what you—humans, was it?—find fashionable.”
“I dunno that I can say a lot about that. I kinda just wore whatever.”
Fluttershy, who had been somewhat distant and quiet, was looking a little more comfortable, and approached. “Um, hi,” she said quietly.
“Nice to meet you,” Rock Bottom said gently, holding out a hoof.
Back in the tree, things became more serious.
“You’re going to need a few things while you’re here in Equestria. A place to live, some money, and guidance on social norms. Spike, start a list.” When her favorite assistant was ready, Twilight began. “So, what are your skills? Your strengths?”
“Well, I didn’t really do a lot back in my world. If you have suggestions, I’ll try my hand… well, my hoof at that.”
“Well, Sweet Apple Acres is always looking for ponies to help around the farm. You can also ask around town, see if anypony’s looking for workers.
“Next, living space. I really don’t like this, but Filthy Rich owns half the real estate in Ponyville. If anypony has a place to rent out, it’s him. I’d suggest taking Rarity along for that little talk. In fact, if you have Rarity shadow you for a while, she can help you with the finer points of Equestrian etiquette.
“Is it, like, really complicated?” Rock Bottom looked worried.
“It’s actually not that hard,” Twilight reassured him. “There are a few things you just don’t do, point at others with your horn, et cetera, but I’m sure everypony will be accommodating to the newcomer.
“One other thing to consider is a couple lessons on Equestrian history. They may be able to give some context about our world. Your choice. If you want to do that, I’m sure Cheerilee has a spare copy of the class schedule. The foals around here are pretty open-minded, so I’m sure they’d love to meet you.”
“Sure, if I’m going to be stuck here for over a year, may as well make as many friends as I can,” Rock Bottom mused with a smile.
“Hey, Twilight? What was it like for you, getting stuck in my world?”
The alicorn looked up from her book and thought for a minute. “Well, I wasn’t really stuck in the human world. I could’ve gone back through the Crystal Mirror whenever I wanted. And my friends, or their equivalents, helped me along the way. I guess you have it a lot worse. You’re stuck here for a long time, and you don’t know anypony too well.” She stifled a yawn. “I’m going to get some sleep. There’re some snacks downstairs if you get hungry. Good night.”
“Ok, good night. And thank you for everything.”
“It's always a pleasure to help out a friend,” Twilight said around another yawn.
Rock Bottom mulled over this for a while until he drifted off.