“BOOM SUCKAS!” The petite fourteen-year-old screamed in untold delight of a massive explosion taking place a few feet away, the shockwave of the blast blowing back her honey blonde hair playfully.
Anywhere else in the universe this blue-eyed ragamuffin would be considered a lost cause, a child who had been lost to the depravity of murder and loot lust. Yet on Pandora, it was the exact opposite, she was an asset that her friends could count on for being…
“HEY BANDIT! Yo momma so ugly, not even a skag would be her friend!” The child taunted jumping out from behind a large oversized boulder giggling.
“NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MY MOMMA! ARGHHHH!!” A nearby bandit foolishly rushed towards the little girl, never watching his surroundings before setting off a nearby mine hidden amongst the scorched sand.
A large wave of crimson splattering across the boulder in a mix of entrails and steaming chunks of flesh. The child pouting in place, both her tiny hands clenched into fists of growing anger.
Her filthy brown dress was spotless devoid of any blood chunks, what was the reason to even stand in the splash zone if it misses you completely?
With both arms crossed over her chest, she let pink colored lips curl into a huge pout. This day had been full of disappointment.
Her name was Tiny Tina, she ruled over this planet with her expertise of blowing stuff into millions of itsy-bitsy pieces. Pandora was her home and like all homes, this place was indeed a fixer-upper.
Vaults were the main attraction around here, huge companies and psychopathic bandits always came out of the woodwork to stir up trouble. If all life on Pandora wasn't ending at least once a week, then this place just wouldn't be as cozy.
Right now Tina was in the middle of protecting an outpost with her Mordy-Mom, something about a hidden stash of eridium that was in danger of blah-blah-blah…
Tina had only one worry at the moment, surprisingly enough it had nothing to do with a dumb glowing purple rock. It was instead about her main woman, the smexy shawty with legs that stretched for miles.
She had to make sure her bae was safe because if anything happened to that tight booty, she couldn't even think about how to go on living. The world would be robbed of one sexy lady and her heart would be broken, babies would have to be eaten in retribution.
Rushing inside the outpost at a blinding speed the young child made sure to click on the front gate’s defense protocol, the sound of electricity surged across the sky followed by the delicious scent of charred flesh filling the air.
Tiny skipped casually down the basement stairs with a childish giggle, the outpost seemed secure enough. Most of this dumb battle had been pushed to the front yard, which was beyond good luck for her seductress.
Her bae hates loud noises.
Quickly typing in the bunker code to the basement, a loud whoosh of air signaled that the rusted old door was safely opened. Pulling it back with a few hefty pulls, the little girl poked her head playfully into the large cozy basement.
Tina's eyes shimmering much like rare gems at the sight before her, a lovely white diamond pony cantering around her surroundings in glee. Her mane an elegant wave of crystalline violet styled in a manner that oozed with nothing but class.
“Butt Stallion, I'm so happy you're safe!” Tina exhaled in relief of the moment, swiftly running over to a hidden cabinet on the wall and clicking it open.
“Lookin’ fine as wine!” She swung open the door revealing a hidden stash of eridium to her lovely equestrian beauty.
Grabbing a few bricks of the priceless material she edged ever closer to her prized pony, lifting up a glowing brick she giggled watching Butt's muzzle sniff the bold rich flavor of radiation off the surface.
Within seconds the pony gobbled up the freely given gift of love, Tina squealing in delight quick to offer up a second helping to her sexy shawty. Never noticing that a silhouette of a scraggly bandit snuck through the open basement door.
He was shirtless covered in scars of every kind, face hidden behind a blood-soaked mask of depravity. Hair had been scorched off by a recent fight with a flamethrower, he quivered in place nervously obviously in need of his next high, clutching a shotgun in both hands.
“GIMME THE ERIDIUM!! GIMME IT NOW!!” He screamed at top volume, his weapon's barrel firmly bonking the child on the back of her skull.
“What eridium fool!? I was just feeding my bae here pop-tarts?” Tina fearlessly turned around to face her certain doom, her button nose rested cutely against the twin-barrel of the ice-cold steel.
“Glowing pop-tarts!?” He snorted loudly behind his mask.
“Duh, they're radiated flavor BOI!” In a flash of movement, she plucked out a switchblade from the front pocket of her dress, plunging it deep into his inner thigh barely missing giblets.
The bandit decided to shoot first in a howl of agony, blasting off two shots at the cartwheeling child dashing behind a nearby crate.
“You freaking stabbed me!?” He fiddled in pain at the blade stuck in his thigh, unsure if he should pull it free.
“I'll do more than stab you, turkey! If you don't leave my crib this INSTANT!” Tina fished out an experimental Matter Displacement grenade from her shoe in a nervous manner.
“I can't feel my freaking junk!” He reloaded his shotgun with a snarl, unloading one round at the crate as it exploded into a storm of splinters.
Tina having crawled away seconds before, suddenly hopped up onto Butt Stallion with a shriek of pure ecstasy. Her tiny thumb clicking the hand grenade on as she aimed for the fences with her throw, the bandit surprisingly nimble as he twirled around blasting the child in the chest with buckshot.
Tina smashed into the wall hard cracking open the secret cabinet, leaving a trail of crimson smeared down the wall. Her enemy laughing maniacally dropping his gun in unbridled excitement, his hollow eyes glowing the vibrant hue of eridium.
“Loot! Loooooot!!” He squealed unhinged from reality.
“They're pop-tarts…Biyat…” She could feel her body become so numb, the steel-clad explosive rolling out of her hand onto the floor.
For a brief second, Tina could see the outline of her true mother in the haze of her fading vision. With a loud pop and a flood of light, she was engulfed in fiery agony across her whole body. Everything turning a blinding white hue, the last sounds of her life dumb ones.
An idiot screaming about his giblets.
And a pain-filled whiny from her bootylicious bae.
Followed by nothing.
Thunderous blasts of energy fell from the calm blue sky over Equestria. Balls of flaming blue light poured across the cosmos much like a festive celebration, multiple orbs fizzling out over the horizon, leaving only trails of smoke behind.
Yet one orb danced across the sky in an unpredictable manner, bouncing from side to side until crashing into Sweet Apple Acres with a loud sonic boom. The pastel blue flames spread across the lush green grass dwindling away into puffs of smoke, a large crater near the apple orchard releasing a long gust of steam from deep within.
Tina felt a surge of energy flow across her body much like an electric shock to the brain. “I LIVE!” she screamed out with a large gasp for oxygen while baby blue eyes darted around her surroundings in bewilderment.
The sky was a very suspicious blue hue. Cotton clouds danced across the large open canvas of the sky as if performing a joyous ballet for anyone willing to stop and watch. Gone were the toxic green landscapes and billows of radiated smoke filling the air, not even one scream of agony could be heard in the distance begging for just a few extra seconds of life.
“This place be trippin’!” The smoldering child stood up in her oversized pit of destruction, other than a few smudges of ash on her dress, she seemed perfectly fine.
Her delicate hands traced the surface of her torso carefully, the spot where she should have a huge hole blasted into her chest cavity completely gone. “BULLETPROOF BOI!” she broke out in a series of gleeful giggles.
She knew some random tweaking bandit couldn't kill her. It would take at least several Goliath's and maybe a bandit midget to end her existence. “What in tarnation!?” The southern drawl of somebody really pissed caught the child's attention.
“Who dat shawty!?” Tina exploded out of the hole with a deranged look across her face, brandishing a makeshift shiv in her hand which in all reality was a broken branch.
Yet no bandits awaited her or even a playful pack of skags in search of a tea party. Nope just a very weird looking creature with oversized eyes and booty full of apples, wearing a Stetson hat of all things nestled upon her amber waves of mane.
“You a pony, gurl!?” Tina suddenly gasped in total shock of the situation, sure this equine was hideous when compared to her main squeeze Butt Stallion.
“But damn aren't you thicc bae!” The odd child dashed forward and wrapped both arms around the copper pony in delight.
“What in Celestia are you!?” The pony spoke clear as the moon was made out of cheese.
“What do I look like homeslice!? I'm a pink MONKEY!” Tina forcefully pushed open the creature’s mouth, admiring her healthy gums and pearly whites.
The frightened pony unable to take any more abuse from this weird little monkey, snorted loudly. With a powerful push of her muzzle, she caused Tina to topple backward onto the dirt with a thud, “You stay back ya little varmint!” She huffed on high alert.
“You like it rough, I can respect that baby girl! I gots my kinky side too!!” Tina flashed a mischievous little grin across her lips, slowly rising to her feet with twinkling stars in her eyes.
“Big Mac!?” The pony gulped loudly calling out for her brother in pure desperation.
“So you see darlin’ all you really need in life is…” Granny Smith happily chatted away with young Apple Bloom on the front porch of the family homestead.
When suddenly Applejack came galloping into view screaming for her life, a giggling pink creature riding on her back in excitement of this unbroken mare. “YEE-HAW! I like my ladies who are rough!” Tina squealed clenching chunks of golden mane in her grasp.
“Get this crazy thing off of me!” Aj bucked back and forth in a panic, a loud whiny escaping her lips before flinging the child into a large puddle of mud to her left.
“Got your soul!” Tina held up twin handfuls of blonde mane mockingly.
“Applejack, what is that thing!?” Bloom ran over to her frazzled sister worried, she'd never seen her sister's coat standing on edge before.
“It's rabid so stand back!” The copper pony stood protectively in front of the young filly.
“I'm not rabid boo! I just want to eat your babies!” Tina did several cartwheels towards the scared witless creatures, ready to strike once more in a flurry of excitement.
Until out of the blue an oversized cider barrel came crashing down over the hyperactive child, sealing her away inside the dreaded confines of a finely crafted wooden masterpiece. “A BARREL!? - Wood can't stop me rawrrrrr!” The cider barrel shook side to side frantically.
A large red hoof soon putting a stop to the fidgety madness, barely adding a bit of pressure to the top of the surface. The two female ponies releasing a sigh of relief for the quick thinking of the massive stallion.
“Quick thinking, Mac.” Aj shook her head in place.
“Eeyup!” Was the monotone reply.
“Is it ok?” Bloom inched closer to the dead silent barrel.
“Would serve it right, if it wasn't!” Aj walked over to simply buck the side of the wooden frame in anger.
“I'll eat you alive!” Tina screamed in a piercing tone.
“Nope!” Mac took no chances and quickly flipped the barrel over with ease.
Before the little devil had a chance to react, the lid was firmly latched into place. Tina sealed away in her own little vault till the end of time, captured by equines she could do nothing but accept her fate.
What horrible cuddly torments awaited her in this pastel innocent world?
Would she be able to survive or will she too be assimilated into the herd?
“This is a madhouse… A MADHOUSE!” her scream echoed for miles across the usually quiet landscape.
This would indeed be a curious morning.
