Rainbow Dash Plays Matchmaker

The hot air balloon drifted on the prevailing air current. Rainbow Dash and her five Ponyville friends rode along in the basket. Spike wasn't there. They would have invited him to come along but... they didn't want to. They were on their way to the Rainbow Festival in Hope Hollow where Rainbow Dash was to be the guest of honor and meet her fan club there.

It was getting late in the evening and everypony was very tired from the trip taking so long. Well, almost everypony. Pinkie Pie was still wide awake with her boundless energy. She was regaling them with the song of her people. And despite the basket being no more than two meters wide, she bellowed out the lyrics loud enough to make sure that every creature in the surrounding countryside below them could hear her as well.

"... Two bottles of pop on the wall! Two bottles of pop! Take one down, pass it around! One bottle of pop on the wall! One bottle of pop! Take it down, pass it around! No bottles of pop on the wall!" Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. "From the top! One hundred bottles of pop on the wall-"

"Hey Pinkie, does this smell like chloroform?" Rainbow Dash asked, covering her mouth with a rag. Pinkie Pie took a deep whiff to see if it smelled like chloroform. It did indeed smell like chloroform. Then Pinkie Pie decided that the floor looked exceptionally cozy and took a sudden nap. Rainbow Dash looked over at Twilight, expecting to get scolded.

"You know what," Twilight said, "I'm not even mad this time. Thank you, Rainbow."

"Thank goodness," Rarity said. "I need my beauty sleep!" Rarity nodded off almost as fast as Pinkie did and slumped against the basket wall, using Pinkie's supple pink rump as a pillow. Fluttershy, Applejack and Twilight were all still awake.

"What about you guys?" Rainbow asked.

"I'm too scared of heights to sleep," Fluttershy said.

"I'm too worried about my schoolwork I left behind," Twilight said.

"I can't sleep without my medicine," Applejack said. She opened her bag and took out a bottle of cider.

"You drink to sleep?" Twilight asked.

"At this point, I drink just to feel normal," Applejack said.

"Wow. And here I thought we needed an intervention for Dash," Twilight grumbled.

"Cider!? Sweet! Give it here!" Rainbow Dash said, grabbing a bottle from the bag and chugging it down.

"We still might," Fluttershy said.

"Okay, truth or dare!" Rainbow Dash said.

"How 'bout no?" Applejack said, wanting only silence after eight hours of Pinkie Pie singing.

"Truth!" Rainbow Dash answered for them. "What was the first dick you guys ever saw?"

"That's not how the game works!" Twilight said.

"Also, that's really inappropriate," Fluttershy said.

"Pfft," Applejack scoffed. "I work on a farm. What dick haven't I seen? All those animals, come breeding time, it's just dicks everywhere." She just sort of stared off into nothing as she was lost in her flash backs. "Just- like... a hurricane of dicks."

"I meant what was the first pony dick," Dash said, rolling her eyes. She looked over at Fluttershy. "I bet it was Zephyr's for you!"

"Rainbow!" Twilight scolded.

"What?" Dash said. "How could she not? The dude walks around with his boner out constantly whenever he's over Flutter's place!"

"Well, it's not like it's his fault," Fluttershy said. "He's just not always aware of himself. Besides, I blame myself and my stupid pheromones."

"Fluttershy, you shouldn't blame yourself," Twilight tried to council her.

"You can't tell me you've never been tempted to... you know..." Rainbow made an implying motion, thrusting her hips. Fluttershy balked.

"Rainbow, would you want to have sex with Zephyr?" Fluttershy asked.

"Eww! No! He's gross and he smells like he never takes a shower!" Dash said.

"So what makes you think I would want to have sex with him!? My own brother!"

"Because that would be so hot!" Dash said.

"You don't want to have sex with him because you think he's gross, but the idea of me having sex with him turns you on?"

"Hell yeah!" Dash said, grabbing another bottle of cider. "I bet he's the kind of ass that'd forget to pull out too and totally cum inside you and get you super incest pregnant!"

"Oh my gosh," Twilight grabbed a bottle of cider and drank it as fast as she could, hoping to black out as soon as possible. Rainbow looked over at Applejack.

"Come on AJ! There's a reason they call him BIG Macintosh!" Dash said.

"I'm aware," Applejack deadpanned.

"Ain't that how they do it down on the ol' farm?" Dash said, mocking her accent.

"I don't appreciate the stereotype," Applejack said.

"Twi, what about-"

"Fuck off."

"Come on! Having a brother must be like having a live-in coltfriend!"

"You really think that's what it's like?" Twilight asked. "Brothers are a pain. Always competing over everything..."

"Brothers are gross," Applejack said. "Always blowing up the outhouse..."

"Brothers are weird, always sniffing your bed sheets," Fluttershy said.

"What!?" Applejack balked.

"Ha! I knew it! Zephyr wants to sleep with you!" Dash said.

"Oh, no, he never wanted to sleep with me. He just sometimes watched me sleep from my doorway."

"Your brother watched you sleep at night?" Applejack asked. "That's creepy! What kind of sibling does that?"

"I know, right?" Twilight chuckled nervously.

"You never answered," Rainbow said. "Was Mac's the first dick that you saw? The first pony dick?"

"Of course it was!" Applejack huffed. "He's the only stallion on the farm. But that doesn't mean I wanted to go rolling in the hay with him!"

"Yeah yeah. What about you Twi? Was it Shining's?"

"Actually, no, it was my Dad's," Twilight admitted. "I kinda, sorta accidentally walked in on my parents..."

"Ha! Me too! Up top!" Rainbow Dash's offer for a hoof-bump went without return as Twilight glared at her. "My Dad's was the first one I saw too. And oh my gosh it was like..." Dash held her hooves up in front of herself a good distance apart indicating her father's size.

"Oh my," Fluttershy blushed.

"You're exaggerating," Applejack said.

"Not even a little bit, that's the thing!" Dash said.

"Well I'm sure it seemed bigger back then," Twilight said, blushing herself.

"Anyway, I told my dad that I wanted to do what my mom was doing with him, since it looked like it was so much fun. And they gave me the whole 'sex talk' and my dad told me that he wouldn't do it with me. And I realized that it must be because I'm a lesbian!"

"What the fu... That's not even how that works!" Twilight said. "That's not how any of this works! Dash, are you... are you actually retarded?" Rainbow wasn't listening to anything but the sound of her own voice.

"So I figured that if my dad wouldn't do it with me, my brother would! But I didn't have one yet. So I told them I wanted one, and my dad said they were trying their best. But they said that when I was born, I came out so fast I dragged half of my mom's organs out with me. But I still hold the record for fastest delivery at Cloudsdale General! Ten minutes flat!"

Fluttershy threw up in her mouth a little bit.

"Wow. That... is horrifying." Applejack said.

"But anyway, it meant that I could never have a brother. Unlike you lucky fillies! Talk about unfair!" Dash sulked. Applejack held up her bottle of cider.

"Twi, do you think you could turn this into a memory-erasing potion?" Applejack asked. Twilight's horn was glowing brightly as she focused on her own bottle.

"You think I haven't been trying!?"

"You guys all suck!" Dash said. "I'm an only child and you all have brothers! You guys owe it to me to fuck your brothers! If I had a brother, I'd totally fuck him!"

"Then let's just be glad that you don't have a brother!" Applejack said.