Horse Drawn Omnibus

by Hazel Mee

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Adventure, Anthology, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 7126

A hoofful of short stories.

Step right up, get your ticket punched, and enjoy the ride, folks. :moustache:

Rated 'Teen' as some stories may contain rudeness and innuendo. I'll update the tags as more stories are added.

Published 2019-10-20 19:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-26 17:18:11 UTC

1 - No True Unicorn...

No True Unicorn…

"Pappy! Pappy!", a young filly gasped as she galloped as fast as her stubby little legs could carry her over crests of fresh-turned earth.

Red Russet looked up from inspecting a new dent on his plough's rusty coulter blade. "Whut-" was as far as he got before his youngest tripped on a clod and tumbled poll over fetlocks to land at his dirty, pitted hooves. His annoyance with the rocky soil's a-beating on his farming implement vapourised into a sympathetic guffaw.

He leant down to nuzzle the panting foal back upright. "Whut're y'all doin' gallopin' o'er the furrows, Bloom?"

Tater Bloom shook like a dog, sending up a flurry of red soil. Her little barrel pumped like a bellows as she said, "Sh-she's gonna h-hurt hersel' 'gain!"

There was no need to ask who Bloom was fretting about. Russet's lips sank into a familiar, sour frown and he nudged his daughter toward the distant farmhouse. "Go'n fetch one of yer Ma's, an' be real quick now!"

Bloom wobbled on her hooves for a moment and scampered off down the furrow.

"Tell her t'fetch a bucket o' water an' cloths!" he called after her, before turning to gallop the way she'd come from.

His thundering old heart near stopped in his ruddy-furred chest as he crested a slope and, sure enough, there was his other daughter, of a sort, lying belly-up in the dirt! Again!

"G'wan! Git!" he shouted at the gawp-faced colts and fillies gathered round, though he barely paid any mind as they scattered, shrieking and laughing. He scooped up the prostrate filly between his fore hooves and turned her left and right, inspecting her for any buck marks or bites as her limp limbs flopped about. She was such a skinny, leggy thing. Easy pickings for the school's bullies, and that sharp tongue on her didn't help none.

She surely was an expert at talking her way into a scrap.

But, no, her buttermilk hide was just a little dirty, though she was cross-eyed like somepony had bucked her upside the head.

"Ah done did it!" she crowed with a wobbly grin too wide for her slim muzzle.

Was that smoke rising from her horn?!

"Done whu…" Russet glanced in the direction she was pointing with a tremourous hoof and he suddenly realised something was missing.

Something big!

A wide damp pit was all that remained, with fresh furrows he'd turned this morn curling around it. No, there it was! A huge, thought-to-be-unmovable boulder lay a few yards off, on the other side of the sun-bleached, rough-sawn fence between their tater field and the neighbour's rock farm beside.

"It's ours now!" crowed a slate grey filly, who'd clambered on top of the mini-mountain.

Russet reckoned that if she'd had a flag, she'd be planting it. He laughed and called to her, "Y'all can keep it, Meadow Pie!"

"Ah did it. Ah really, truly did it", Russet's daughter muttered breathlessly, with her eyes wide in utter astonishment.

Heart swelling with pride, Russet set her down and lightly poked her skinny flank with a hoof tip. "Ain't all you done did, look'ee here!"

Holder's joyful shrieks on spying her new-minted cutie mark darn near burst her Pappy's ears.

Less than a fortnight since Minos declared war and Equestria's combined army had almost tripled in size! Sir Brilliant Barding's lips curled in a smug smile as he stood waiting to process the next batch of recruits. An old war horse, he'd been out of retirement and back in armour before anypony even thought to ask. Sadly, he wasn't fighting fit any longer, but his experience was invaluable for sorting out the new meat… for example, he could tell draftee from volunteer with just a glance of his piercing grey eyes.

Volunteers had their heads up, eyes open, ears perked, eagerly drinking in the sights, sounds, and smells of the encampment. Especially the sparring rings.

That, and volunteers did not have horns.

What few unicorns Sir Barding had inducted were reluctant and surly. Rousted from dusty libraries and forced to trade fancy lace for a rough-spun haburks. Angry and listless after marching for days with nothing but gritty trail rations and ditch water instead of cake and tea. Bunch of lily-livered, nearsighted, spineless cowards that Barding wouldn't trust to polish his armour. Not like the fine, stout, young earth ponies being marched through the palisade gate. Certs, they weren't marching in time, and their unshorn manes and dirty fetlocks marked them as farmers, one and all, but they were keen! They would be forged into a mighty hoof to crush those filthy minotaur!

A sergeant trotting beside the column bellowed 'halt' and, eventually, the ragtag formation of stopped moving… or at least stopped walking. Barding snorted and waved for the first recruit to be brought forward as Candy Gloss, his aide-de-camp and scribe, finished sharpening a quill.

It would be "infantry, infantry, infantry" for this lot of stout farm ponies from the East Shires.

A baker's dozen of recruits later and a skinny slip-of-a-mare stood proudly before him with her narrow shoulders squared and a determined glint in her eye. She had pale yellow fur somewhere beneath the road's grey dirt, and her dark blue mane was braided into tight coils — a common fashion for unwed mares in the Shires — which exposed a graceful spiral horn on her forehead.

"A unicorn?" he exclaimed in astonishment.

"A unicorn?!" she cried and glanced around with wide eyes. "Oh mah gosh, where?! Where?"

Sir Barding's face collapsed, brows furrowed and muzzle wrinkled, as though he'd smelled something foul. What was a book-nuzzler doing playing at clod hopper? Could she possibly be that ignorant about herself… and the proper way to address an officer?

With her superior struck silent, Gloss tittered and whispered to the mare, "I think he means you, hon."

"Me? Why ah…" She groped around her horned forehead with a hoof and yelped, "Good golly! Ah is a unicorn, ain't ah?" She beamed gratefully at Sir Barding. "Ah been fearsome confused 'bout why folks been staring at mah head like ah got somethin' grow'n outta it. Turns out, ah do! Thank y'kindly."

Sir Barding narrowed his eyes and grumbled, "Sir."

"Whut?"

"'Thank you, Sir'", Gloss chimed in again with a quaver of suppressed laughter.

"Oh! Raight… where's mah manners at? Thank you, Sir… yer Honour, Sir."

Sir Barding sighed, grateful he could pass this annoying bit. "Private Gloss. Escort…" He waved a hoof in the daft mare's direction.

"Oh! Y'all kin call me Holder." She nuzzled open her left saddle bag's flap, pulled out an official scroll of enrolment, and gave it to Candy Gloss.

"Escort Miss Holder to Journeymage Effulgent Glow. I believe she's dealing with our unicorn recruits in the North Bailey today." He sniffed and turned away, dismissing Holder completely from his mind and called for another earth pony recruit to be brought forward.

As they trotted out of hearing range, Gloss quietly said, "You did not make a friend there, Miss Holder."

Holder grumbled, "Well, ah ain't lookin' to be friendly with somepony so ignerant and sour-faced. Why'd he hav'ta make a big deal outta…?" She nodded her head and blue fire coursed from the base of her horn to its pointed tip.

"He was expecting an earth pony."

Holder snorted. "Story o' mah life."

They trotted through a stone gateway that was as big as a barn inside, with massive oak-and-iron doors, and a dozen guards patrolling the crenellated wall. More unicorns than Holder had ever seen before marched or shot bolts of magic at scorched targets painted on the thick, stone wall that encircled the yard. Private Gloss left Holder with a near-white unicorn mare dressed in a flowing dark blue robe and a lighter, more fanciful version, of the armour and helmet that earth ponies wore.

She reminded Holder a little of the school marm who'd come around once a week to try and teach how to read and do sums. Even had the same grape-y colour fur.

"So, you've never learned to use a simple, raw thaumic blast?" asked Journeymage Effulgent Glow as she scanned the enrolment scroll that'd accompanied Holder since she'd signed on. "I should think it would be useful for, say, driving vermin away from your crops and such."

"Nope. Ain't got nopony in mah neck of the woods what teached such fancy stuff. Hay, the only unicorn ah seen 'for today was a travellin' tinker. He'd roll up, Spring and Fall, with a waggon o' tools to fix pots n' pans, and he put on puppet shows fer the foals." As she spoke, Holder scooped a small stone from the ground. "So, ah just huck gravel at varmints like anypony else." She squinted one eye and flung the pebble at a passing crow. It whipped past the bird's beak and sent it squawking for shelter behind a tree.

"Mmhmm…" Effulgent hummed in an indulgent 'my, how interesting' way while scribbling a note upon the scroll suspended in her magic. "I imagine there's also little call for shield spells while working a farm?"

"You reckon rightly." Holder sniffed and remembered to add, "Ma'am."

Effulgent sighed. "Well, what can you do then?"

"Mostly ah lift things, see?" Holder gestured to her cutie mark of a roundish grey boulder with a pair of white wings spread as if it were taking flight. "Stackin' hay, pullin' stumps, raisin' barns, diggin' cesspits-"

"Eugh! With a shovel, I should hope."

"Why muck up a per-feck-ly good shovel when ah can jus' scoop it right out?"

Effulgent shuddered as her hide crawled. "But we feel that which we touch with our magic!"

"So? Ain't no worse'n what it feels like to harvest bog rushes, or reach into a heifer with a turned calf. Hay, 'least ah could stand upwind and not get a spot on me! Mah auntie used to dig 'em by hoof and spend ages soapin' and warshin' 'fore we'd let her come inside. An' even then she'd stink to high stars fer days!" She hawked and spat. "Payed pretty dern well to boot. Lotsa ponies'll do jus' 'bout anythin' t'get someponyelse to shift their manure."

Effulgent grimaced and, eager to move on to something less nauseating, she gestured across the bailey yard to where several sizes of dense boulder lay scattered about: standardised weights for trainees to carry from place to place, with muscles or magic, in order to develop their strength. "Fine. Show me what you can do, please. Lift the biggest stone you can manage."

Holder squinted, hummed, and asked, "The biggest one? Are y'sure?"

"Yes."

"Y'sure, yer sure?"

"Yes, get on with it!"

"Well a'right!" Holder crowed with a sly grin. Her horn came to life with a lively flare as she squared her shoulders, spread her hooves, and crouched. She focused on her target and lowered her head. Whipcord tendons stood out in her neck, back, and legs as she tensed and the glow of her magic shone brighter and brighter.

Seeing that the snarky recruit was putting her whole heart into something, finally, Effulgent gave a satisfied nod and turned to see which of the weights the ignorant young mare had selected. She would bet bits to ribbons that Holder would try to lift one that was far too heavy… she seemed like the type to show off. Perhaps a few days in the infirmary with horn sprain would teach her a lesson?

None of the stones were glowing.

She squinted.

From the littlest rock that would fit in one's hoof, to the six-pony-weight ammunition for a tremendous trebuchet, not one floated in the air or shivered and wiggled on the ground as somepony struggled to raise it. Effulgent blinked and opened her mouth to ask what Holder was doing, when a bright glow caught her eye; shimmering around a statue a few yards behind the stones. Carved from imported cream and jet marble, and thrice life-size, The Sisters stood shoulder to shoulder, gazing majestically into the promising future of Equestria. Blue foxfire magic boiled about their solemn faces as Holder got a solid grip.

She couldn't be serious!

What if she was?!

Effulgent Glow gasped, "Wai-!"

"HUP!"

Holder grunted, strained to jerk her head up, and pointed her horn skyward. Her hooves dug into packed dirt and a blinding burst of magic rang like a dozen glass bells being struck. Where the statue once stood, a cloud of steam, dust, and small stones roiled in the air, covering its ornate fountain base. A moment later came a loud THOOM, that was felt in one's jellies more than heard.

High overhead, a formation of pegasi dissolved into shouting chaos as something huge hurtled past in a blur, punching a hole through the clouds. On the ground, startled unicorns scattered, screaming as they galloped away from where the statue had stood.

Pebbles pinged off Effulgent's peytral and helm.

"Whuuuh? W-what? What? What?!" she yammered; Holder thought she sounded like a yappy dog. "What did you do?!"

Holder grinned up into the blue sky. "Just whut y'all asked fer."

"What I-?" Effulgent's pupils shrank to little pin pricks.

"Yup! Y'all told me to lift the biggest rock ah could." Holder glanced at her out the corner of her eye and smirked. "Seemed real sure 'bout it too, so ah just done what'cha asked fer. S'how it works inna army, aint it, Ma'am?"

"Oh, no, no, no!" Effulgent yapped some more as a cold sweat broke out under her robe. "You are NOT blaming this on me! Do you have any idea how much trouble you are in?! Guards! Anypony! Restrain this madmare before she kills somepony!" Her cries were lost in the uproar as recruits galloped hither and yon, shouting their heads off, leaping and turning and crashing in tangles of limbs. Spooking one another into increasingly mindless attempts to escape. A hoofful of trained guards tried to coordinate a response… mostly by running around shouting their own heads off.

Holder's horn flared back to life and Effulgent yelped, "Hold! Halt! Stand down!" while flailing her fore hooves in Holder's face.

She stuffed a dirty hoof over Effulgent's muzzle and calmly pushed the frantic mare back a pace. "Could y'all quit jawin' fer a sec? Ah'm… Hah!"

"Ware below!" came a distant cry from overhead.

Pegasi scattered again as the massive statue plummeted past! Blue flames whipped and curled around the white and black meteor, and it slowed, slowed, and slowed, finally coming to a halt just above Holder's blazing horn.

"There! Y'see, nothin' ta worry 'bout." Holder grinned as foamy sweat trickled down her brow. She winked at Effulgent.

Who stared, cross-eyed at the upside-down muzzle of Princess Celestia's statue, which lightly brushed against her nose. Her eyes rolled back and Journeymage Effulgent Glow flopped over backwards in a dead faint, with her once shiny armour clattering on the dirt.

Holder chuckled, shook her head, righted the statue and floated it back to its fountain. The base was cracked and broken, so despite several nudges she couldn't get it to sit level.

"Eh, at'll do."

Her ears pricked at the sound of somepony clearing their throat behind her.

"T'was truly the greatest burden thou couldst raise?"

The mare's voice was deep and cool as a well and carried a commanding weight that sent a shiver up Holder's spine. Aside from that voice, it was eerily quiet. Holder glanced about and saw that everypony around the bailey had stopped their frantic uproar and were staring at the pony behind her. A few stretched a fore leg and bowed their muzzle low.

Bowels suddenly a-quiver, Holder slowly turned.

And looked up.

Way up.

Taller than any mare or stallion Holder had ever seen, she was dark blue with her wings spread wide and looming like thunder clouds. Clad in armour so black it swallowed light, much like her slowly waving mane, though that twinkled with seeds of light scattered through it.

Princess Luna raised a graceful eyebrow in an arch and waited for Holder's reply.

"Well…" Holder hesitantly began, but stilled her traitorous tongue to think, for a change. She tried to mind her manners, like Pappy said to, she really did! But what fell out of her muzzle was, "Didn't reckon y'all'd take kindly to me tossin' bits of yer pretty castle 'round."

Luna stared down with cyan eyes that were cold as Midwinter Eve.

Holder swallowed loudly. "Y-yer High-n-mighty-ness… Ma'am…?"

A white arc cracked and spread across Luna's dark muzzle. A smile as swift and bright as moon rise. Her laugh boomed out, rich and rolling, as she patted Holder's cheek gently with an armour-shod hoof.

"Oh, I like thee. We shall make merry with the minotaur, thou and I."

Author's Note

This little character exploration of Nature vs. Nurture was inspired by comments on https://www.fimfiction.net/story/434558/2/gardening-with-rose/honey-dipper.

It's a fun story! Go read it! :pinkiehappy:

ps: This was pre-read & edited by Cross Lament. Please PM me if you spot a typo. Merci.

2 - > Shy

Main characters: Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, OCs
Themes & triggers: Social distress, alcohol

A north wind tore over the Canterhorn before dropping down into Canterlot's streets where it curled up flurries from drift peaks and streaked down barren cobbled lanes.

Winter in the capitol came with a greater share of frosty days, despite meticulously crafted weather systems. Wan yellow light dimmed as Princess Celestia pushed her sun below the horizon. Royal guards patrolled in pairs, but with most ponies sensibly staying inside where it was warm, they had little more to do than ensure nopony was left outside as the temperature fell.

A hoofful of tardy ponies stumbled homeward, or sought refuge in a restaurant or pub.

Fluttershy paused in the lee of a furnishings store and blew onto her numb hooves before tucking her frosty muzzle back into the many layers of scarf wrapped around her neck. She sat for a moment, shivering with her forelegs tucked against her sides and under her wings, before gingerly hopping over a knee-high drift and out into the teeth of the wind. She scurried across the street, squinting her eyes against the blown crystals, huffing and puffing little clouds that whipped away in an instant.

She huddled for a moment behind a news stand to catch her breath. A-a-almost there, she thought. Her mind's voice stuttering with anxiety as much as the chill.

A quick slither on slippery cobbles as wind whipping through her feathers and she ducked past a stallion trudging along, clutching a top hat to his head. She slid to a halt in front of Ortaggio. A Bitalian restaurant.

For anypony else the golden light shining through its glass door would have been warm and welcoming, but she had to force herself the last few steps.

She should go inside.

Get out of the biting cold.

Everypony was waiting for her.

A couple of sharp breaths for courage and she pushed through the door into a very small hallway that was barely large enough for two ponies to stand. An overhead heater turned it into a blast furnace, and she shook rapidly melting snow from her feathers and tail. The abrupt warmth was painful to her numb muzzle, so she quickly stepped through a door on her left, and into the front room. It was cramped and narrow, with tables for parties of four or couples near the door. Space for about a dozen ponies. The 'restaurant' was dominated by a long bar down the left side, with stairs going down, smack in the middle of the room, towards the back, and a passage through to the kitchen on the right.

Fluttershy loosened her scarf, ruffled her wings, and frowned at the bar.

When they received Twilight's invitations, she'd asked Rarity if she knew anything about the Ortaggio. She had a magazine about luxurious places to dine in Canterlot, of course, and the pictures accompanying the article made it seems like this would be a family-friendly place to eat delicious, traditional Marediterranean food. The Ortaggio's theme was old Bitalian cinema, and, yes there were lots of black and white photos on the wood-panelled walls. But this was not the restaurant she'd hoped for.

She disliked alcohol, because hating it would have been a little too aggressive. She never drank and didn't like being around ponies when they did because it made them louder, foolish, and sometimes un-nice. She'd lost count of the late nights that Zephyr Breeze had stumbled to her little cottage, reeking of liquor and salt, barely able to stand, raving happily one moment and in tears the next. At least it was pleasant to fix him a healthy brunch when he woke, and get him back on his hooves again with a heart-to-heart talk. She always hoped the terrible hangover would convince him to stop, but his absolute promises that this was the very last time never lasted long. It couldn't be good for him.

She lingered by the entrance, standing a bit too close to a couple seated by the window. Ducking her head she gave them a weak, apologetic smile, and moved a few steps further in.

"Ciao signorina. May I help you?"

Fluttershy peered up through waves of pink tresses at a midnight-blue stallion who popped out a dark corner by the bar. He wore a tight black blazer, white shirt, red bow tie, and a gracious smile.

"Oh! Umm… I'm… um…" She scuffed a hoof on the floor. It was a very, very interesting floor. Brown ceramic tiles. So very interesting.

Not really.

His voice oozed soothing charm. "Are you perhaps meeting somepony?"

Fluttershy's lips creased tightly in what might be a smile. "Y-yes. I'm looking for T-Twilight?"

He stepped back and waved a hoof for her to step further into the bar. Restaurant. Whatever. "Ah, sì“, the princess' party is downstairs."

Fluttershy hid in her mane and couldn't force a 'thank you' past the growing lump in her throat. Downstairs. That's where the chatter and laughter was coming from! She took a few hesitant steps and nearly jumped out of her feathers as another pony, a young unicorn stallion, green of hide and wearing a red waistcoat, trotted briskly out from behind the bar. Several dark wine bottles floated in his yellow aura.

"Just follow the guy with the wine!" he called out cheerfully over his shoulder as he galloped downstairs.

"That's really not reassuring", Fluttershy muttered, angrily half-hoping that he heard her over the din. She screwed up her courage and trotted down after him.

It was as bad as she'd imagined…

A second, smaller bar filled the left side of the narrow room, taking up what space the stairs didn't. The right side was crammed with a long row of small tables, pushed together to make one long one. It ran along what might be generously described as a dark subterranean corridor. Plates, glasses, glittering silver utensils, and white napkins were crowded in a jumble at each shoulder-to-shoulder seat. Which were, as yet, unoccupied. A dozen or so ponies stood in happily chatting groups, mostly clustered at either end of the room.

With ears clamped tight to her skull, Fluttershy raised her head high to peer around as she stepped into the small open space remaining. She knew some of the attendees, at least knew of them. Over there was Pokey Pierce, mouth wide and teeth bared as he brayed over something Dr Fauna must have shouted to their group. Dr Fauna waved and Fluttershy squashed the urge to cringe and run away. She nodded a 'hello' and kept looking through the half-familiar crowd for-

Twilight!

Fluttershy smiled for real and waved as Twilight noticed her and waved back. She was engaged in a loud conversation with Rarity, Princess Luna, and a few important-looking ponies judging by their fancy and expensive clothing. Rarity was, of course, stunning in a sleek black dress that glittered with obsidian beads.

Stalled from rushing over to her friends, Fluttershy stood in the small open space and glanced around, avoiding everypony's eyes. But there was nowhere to go that wasn't already occupied.

"Can I get you something to drink?!"

The waiter had exchanged wine bottles for a silver serving tray, which was loaded with a few emptied glasses.

She couldn't avoid cringing at his sudden yell right into her poor ear. "W-water please." She hoped he'd hear her over the shouted conversation and laughter that sloshed back and forth through the room like an all-consuming tide.

He did.

His obsequious smile curdled into a sneer. "There's water on the table. Sparkling and ice." He brushed past her and adroitly wove through the gathering, heading to the bar to fetch somepony else's order.

Fluttershy glanced at the carafes and glasses on the tables, but, nopony was sitting so how would she know which glass to take? She licked her lips. She wasn't thirsty, anyway. Not really. Holding and sipping a drink would help her fit in and give her something to do. Everypony was drinking. By the sour smell in the air and how they were behaving it seemed like they'd all had a glass or two already.

"…should've seen his face!"

"…an appointment to see if…!"

"You're kidding?! What…!"

"…insisted that…!"

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" "…merlot is simpey divine!"

She wished she dared to clap her hooves over her poor ears as the laughter and conversation rolled over her!

"Drop by any time, really, I'd love…!" "Hee hee! That's so Twilight! Did I tell you…!?" Could "…rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb." "…be waiting too marsh…!" you "…is that who eye…!" "…get another…!?" "Hah! Hah! Aaah!!" "…thou frest…" "…weird…!" "Ha!" "…ewe!" please "Abra fars…!" "…those skirts somepony ant…!" "Hah, hah, awhyeah." "…napkins farst mrem?!" be "Where's the…?" "…who will great, what about kill both of you if you… Why are I'm doing you laughing? …you? Add some think say we garlic and fry… …if you want class, you gotta pay for it! What makes you order the same… …fit into one of…" quiet?

Stairs.

Just a few more steps and she was up.

Fluttershy stopped by the entrance, panting and sweaty, like she'd galloped uphill under a hot sun.

Should she take her scarf off?

Or go outside?

Not sure what to do, she fidgeted and tucked it tighter around her neck.

It was comforting even if it was too warm.

The nice couple by the window glanced at her with puzzled expressions.

She winced a smile at them and-

Photos.

The photos that decorated the walls like a gallery. Yes. Yes, they were all black and white after all, and that's the kind of photo that was most especially artistic, wasn't it? Stars of the early decades of Bitallian cinema gazed back with confidant smiles. She didn't recognise any of them but she moved closer, squeezing between unoccupied seats to practically press her muzzle against the picture frames. The panting and sweating, and loud voices and laughter, the eyes of the couple judging her, all faded as she focused on one: the whole cast of a movie or play, gathered together wearing their costumes for a publicity shot. She couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a drama or a comedy. One of the mares had that classic 'black widow' sort of look, but a short, overweight stallion crouching in the front had the most ridiculous little hat and a mischievous grin that-

"Are you alright, signorina?"

Fluttershy started and jerked back from the photo. It was the same stallion who'd greeted her when she arrived.

"Oh, um, I'm f-fine. Thank you." He didn't look convinced, so she swallowed the lump in her throat and said, "I-it's just too crowded and loud down there for me, so, I…" She trailed off and looked away from his pitying gaze.

Concerned, he said, "It's only going to get worse."

"Oh."

She should leave.

She had to.

Twilight and the others would understand. Right?

She turned to go and bumped into soft pink cotton candy! Fluttershy gasped, stumbled back a step, and plunked down onto her rump as Pinkie Pie grinned wide, raised her forelegs into the air, and inhaled a great big breath!

"Pinkie! Get out of the way!" Rainbow Dash rasped as she crowded in behind Pinkie.

"Hhhhhhhhhhhhey, Dashie", Pinkie said quietly as she deflated and settled back to her hooves. "Why don't you head on down and we'll join you in two shakes of a puppy's tail?"

"What? Oh, hey, Shy." Rainbow Dash frowned and asked, "You alright?"

"Mmmhmmm…" A non-committal hum through her tight throat. Fluttershy could not deal with Rainbow pushing her 'comfort zone' right now. She just couldn't!

"Cool, uh, see you down there?"

"Mmm…"

Dash hesitated and Fluttershy was sure she was going to ask if she was really okay, but a nudge, and a smile, and a wink, and a nod from Pinkie sent her on her way. With a quick flap of her wings she recklessly swooped down the stairs! There was a muted crash as she ran into something, or somepony, possibly both. Rainbow Dash shouted, "I'm here!" just in case anypony had missed her entrance. "Let's this par-tay star-ted!"

Fluttershy slumped where she sat and gazed at the extremely interesting brown tiles. Patterns worn into them from many hooves were kind of pretty, almost organic. Trapped between Pinkie and the friendly stallion she wasn't sure what to do. He was right. It was worse with Rainbow and Pinkie here… Fluttershy loved her friends, but even when it was just the six of them (seven, if Spike tagged along) she struggled.

She couldn't stay and now it was impossible to leave.

She closed her eyes as conversation and laughter, briefly interrupted by Rainbow's dramatic entrance, rose again, louder, and rolled over her like a heavy tide. She felt Pinkie scoot close and lean against her shoulder.

Pinkie Pie smiled at the friendly stallion and asked, "Maybe you could open up the back room too, signore Cavalleri?

"Sorry but it's-"

"Pleeeease?" She stuck a hoof into her mane and yanked out a cardboard box with Shugarcube Corner's logo blazoned on it. "I baked you and the waitrons cuuupcaaakes!"

"Le tue piccole torte?!" He grinned as she hoofed him the box. "Grazie mille, signora Pie. For you, of course we will open the back room."

"Graaaziiie!" Pinkie sang cheerfully in soprano as he left to make it so.

She leaned against Fluttershy and hummed a bouncy tune, mostly to herself. "Hmmm hm hm hmm hmmmmm…"

The sound of chatter from downstairs was interrupted again as the restaurant staff opened up the back room and guests shuffled out of the way and went back to their conversations.

"Hmmm hm hmmm hm hmmmmm... Do you want to go?" Pinkie pie asked quietly. "'Cause it's okay if you do, nopony will mind, I promise."

Fluttershy sighed.

"That back room is pretty quiet, y'know. That's where they keep sacks of flour, cans of olives and oil, big round things of cheese, and strings of garlic, and cans of tomatoes, and a kitty. His name is Morty."

"Morty?" Fluttershy perked up a little.

"Yuppers! He's super-adorable in a one-eyed, scruffy, ah'm-so-gonna-take-a-chunk-outta-yew kinda way. You gotta hear him purr when you rub his tummy! He bites and kicks and scratches, but the purring is totes worth it."

"T-that does sound nice."

"Mmmhmm, and I'm sure Twilight invited other ponies who'd like a quieter place to hang out and chat too. Liiike… Twilight, for example."

Fluttershy smiled slightly and nodded. "Alright. Thank you, Pinkie."

"Non c'è problema!" Pinkie chirped and hugged her.

The corners of Fluttershy's lips curled up a little as she followed Pinkie downstairs. It might be a nice evening after all.

Author's Note

This little slice of huh? is based on my experience going to the office holiday party last December. But, since there really isn't a Pinkie Pie (or Santa Claus) I only stayed for about a minute before bailing. :fluttershbad:

Edits courtesy of Cross Lament. :twilightsmile: Please PM me if you spot something we missed.

3 - Halves

Brightly burning
Darkly yearning
Lovely spurning
Friendly learning

Author's Note

A very short poem...ish...thing about the good and bad sides of princesses. :trollestia:

4 - Nature is Fascinating

Characters: Human OC, Cinder Glow, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy

Triggers: Alcohol use; horrid, horrid, horrid descriptions of food

Gary's limbs were drained and loose after a long and productive day doing physical labour. A musky scent of fallen leaves and the cool, crisp breeze had him almost floating as he ambled on noddle-y legs to his favourite pub in Ponyville.

Small praise considering it was the only pub in Ponyville.

He kicked his heavy steel-toed boots against a pillar supporting the rustic pub's porch and, feet fairly dirt-free, he tromped inside. Thick curtains kept it dim in the open lower floor, so he waited for his eyes to adjust. Maybe ponies didn't like watching other ponies get drunk? Was it taboo? He'd never asked, but the place would be crowded later in the evening. It was kind of dead this early as most ponies were still out in their fields. A bar ran along one wall and Cinder Glow, a dark-furred kirin, stood behind it, polishing a large glass mug. He smiled. She observed him with half-lidded eyes and a blank expression.

"No way!"

Rainbow Dash's squeaky, raspy laughter caught Gary's attention and, peering through the gloom, he spotted her rainbow tell-tail at a table toward the back. Gary grinned and headed her way, weaving around several unoccupied tables. Dash was always fun to hang out with at the end of a long day. That mare loved to party almost as much as Pinkie, but was more into guzzling beer and cider than cupcakes. She told hilariously rude stories once she'd had a few.

Rude for ponies, anyway.

Fluttershy was sitting with her, blushing furiously through her buttery-yellow fur as Rainbow Dash fell out of her chair and rolled around on the floor, clutching at her sides, gasping between howls of laughter.

"It's not that funny", Fluttershy whined. She had an exasperated, put-upon look - which was practically her default mood around Rainbow Dash.

Dash just laughed even harder!

"Afternoon, Fluttershy. Dash."

Fluttershy's eyes went big with surprise. "Oh… Oh! H-hello, Mr Stu. How are you this evening?"

"I'm great! You?"

Shy smiled and waved an inviting hoof at one of the empty chairs at their table. "I'm... fine. Won't you join us?"

Gary figured she wouldn't turn him away. Humans were pretty uncommon around these parts, and Shy was fascinated by rare creatures. "I'd love to, thanks." He hooked a thumb at Rainbow Dash while squatting onto a little child-size chair. "What's up with her?"

Shy set down her mug and licked her lips. "Mmm… I really don't know. I was only telling her about ants."

"Ants?"

"Mmhmm. I helped Golden Harvest clear aphids from her crop and that meant moving the ants too, of course."

"Of course." Gary nodded wisely, pretending to understand. He might live in a farming community, but he barely knew roots from branches. "So… Why is that funny?"

Fluttershy shrugged and Dash squeaked from the floor, "T-tell him what they eat!"

Gary cocked an eyebrow at Shy, who pouted, determined not to say a word.

"Go oooon!" Dash nudged Fluttershy as she climbed back onto her chair. She shook, lifting her wings to shed a small cloud of dust into the already close air in the pub. "Tell him!" Rainbow Dash winked and grinned at Gary. "You'll get a kick outta this, big guy."

Fluttershy sighed and reluctantly said, "Aphids bite into a plant to drink its sap and, in exchange for the ants' protection, they produce honeydew-"

"From their butts!" Rainbow Dash crowed.

Gary burst out laughing at Dash's ecstatic, impish grin.

"Tch. Not you too", Fluttershy muttered while hiding behind her mug.

Gary was wiping his eye when a mare cleared her throat to get his attention. He twisted in his seat and Cinder Glow, standing by his elbow, cocked an eyebrow and tilted her head in mute query about what he'd have to drink. Now, normally, Gary was quite fond of Kirin Beer, it was cheap and tasty enough, but, well, he'd heard unsettling if silly rumours. With thoughts of aphids and ants dancing in his head, he opted for, "Uh… Hollow Stout, please."

She blinked, nodded once, and trotted back to the bar.

"And a nachos platter", he called after her. Rose might kill him if he filled up before dinner, but Dash would probably scarf half the appetiser, anyway.

"Come on, Shy!" Dash yelled in an exasperated manner that she probably thought of as 'being reasonable'. "How can you not laugh at bugs eating bug poop and thinking it's the best thing ever?"

"Because it really is the best thing ever for their precious little ant colony."

"It's disgusting!"

"It's no worse than what we ponies - and humans - do, when you really think about it."

"Hah! Yeah, right." Dash's chuckle echoed as she drank from her nearly empty mug.

"It's true!" Fluttershy's eyes narrowed in an uncharacteristically sly look.

Gary thought, 'Oh, shit. This gonna be good.' The corners of his lips quirked up and he settled in to witness Shy take her brash friend down a peg.

"Well, have you heard the rumours about that Kirin beer you're enjoying so much?" Shy quietly asked.

Rainbow Dash laughed, banged her mug on the table, and made a show of licking her lips. "Yeah, not buying it, Shy."

Fluttershy nodded and said, "Oh, yes, it's not true of course." She smiled and nodded to Cinder Glow as she brought a foamy mug to their table. "But how they really brew beer is pretty awful, if you think about it."

"Thanks", Gary said to Cinder before slurping a mouthful of bitter, burnt, brown bubbles. Delicious!

"At harvest time-", Fluttershy began. Sitting up straight and falling into a lecturing voice - though she came across more like a mare telling her foals a breezietale. "In the fall we harvest barley by cutting it down and thrashing it on the ground to separate the momma plant from the little baby barley grains."

"Huh", snorted Dash, her curiosity stirring. She knew even less about growing crops than Gary.

"We put millions and millions of barley babies in silos to store them. Only a few of will be lucky enough to be planted in the spring so they can grow up big and strong with babies of their own. Most will be eaten in salads and soups, or get ground up into flour to make bread and cakes."

Dash stuck her tongue out. "Ick. Don't tell Pinkie."

"Oh, I'm sure she already knows, and what we do to make beer is far, far worse. We put the barley babies in a big barrel and give them some water so that they'll start to grow." Fluttershy mimed laying out a hoofful of seeds and drizzling water on them from a can. "Then just when they poke out their first cute little root, looking for tasty soil to eat-" She covered her face with her hooves and peeked out from behind them with big, blinking, adorable eyes. "-they're shoved into an oven!" Grinning demoniacally, Fluttershy thrust her forelegs out, banging her hooves on the table.

Gary and Dash jumped at the noise, and Gary could practically hear tiny little plant screams as they- Oh, wait, that was Fluttershy squealing as she shrank back into her chair.

"We bake them dead and toasty brown, before grinding up their charred bones and boiling them in a big pot."

Rainbow Dash's blue fur took on a greenish cast and even omnivorous Gary felt a bit queasy.

With an innocent smile, Fluttershy went on, "We make the boiled baby soup even sweeter by adding dried plant blood or insect vomit."

"Insect vomit?" asked Dash while giving her almost-empty mug the stink eye.

"Mmhmm. What do you think honey is? They also add sliced off plant hoohoos for bitterness and aroma."

Gary asked, "Plant 'hoohoos'?"

Buttershy's cheeks flushed pink. "Umm… private parts."

"You mean roots?" That was about the only 'private' part of a plant that he could think of.

"N-no. Um… n-nethers? Honey pot? M-muff?" Shy was getting redder and redder and Gary was only more confused.

Dash swallowed and choked a bit on thick saliva. She coughed and said, "I think she means 'vagina', big guy. Do they really put that in beer?"

Flusteredshy nodded quickly.

"Ohh…" Gary cocked an eyebrow at Fluttershy. "Really?"

Shy, eager to change the subject, rapidly said, "It all gets boiled and boiled and boiled until the delicious juices leech out of the baby grain corpses and… and vajayjays. Once this sweet soup has cooled, they add yeast, which are itty-bitty creatures we also use to make bread. These little critters feast on the shugar, peeing and farting so much they wind up poisoning the soup and killing themselves!"

"P-peeing?!" Dash quavered.

"Mmhmm!" Fluttershy grinned happily and nodded. "It's their poisonous pee that makes us tipsy." She winked and very casually drank a swallow from her mug, "Yummy. This sure is some tasty infant soup toilet water with a hint of boiled hoohoo."

Gary's long hair blew back. Dash's chair spun on one leg and toppled. The mare's room door banged shut on a dissipating rainbow trail.

Gary swallowed a mouthful of saliva and glared at Shy. "You're terrible."

Fluttershy just giggled cutely.

"Awww, tartarus." Gary ignored his rebellious stomach and forced himself to drink a sip of Hollow Stout. The flavour wasn't quite as delicious, somehow, but he grimaced and swallowed past the lump in his throat.

Cinder Glow returned with a tray balanced on her back and a wonderful savoury scent of warm nachos, smothered with melted cheese, green onions, and sour cream make Gary's queasy tummy rumble. He nodded his thanks to Cinder, snatched up a handful of gooey chips, and shoved them into his mouth, eager to taste something other than murdered infants.

Fluttershy leaned forward and with a little smile she asked, "Want to hear how they make cheese?"

Author's Note

I'm frequently annoyed by the separation of 'Natural' and human. Isn't human intellect, culture, and science a natural result of the Universe doing its thing? Then I see news about pollution, war, or the latest fashion trends and think, Sure, but 'natural' doesn't mean 'good' now, does it? :facehoof: