I Can't Click This Book, Auntie
The doors to Ponyville’s Carousel Boutique opened on a bright and sunny morning, uncaring of the generational corruption under its light.
Rarity dramatically waved back her silver-lined purple mane as she walked inside. “Thank you so much for helping, Sassy. Twilight’s visit happened to coincide with Yona and Sandbar’s trip to Yakyakistan, and I just know we’ll get the usual surge in out-of-towners.”
“Oh broomsticks and bellhocky, Rarity,” said Sassy Saddles. She had recently switched to a short manestyle, which served to emphasize her height as she looked over Rarity to the boutique’s interior. “You can count on any of us to work wherever you need. Plus, I’ve been looking forward to visiting the original location again.”
“Oh, true! It has been a while, hasn’t it? Well, there have been a lot of changes since you last came here.”
Soon after, a young pony with a yellow coat and a poofy pink mane hopped in and then around the inside of the store.
“Case in point,” Rarity said, her eyes following the ball of energy, who eventually settled at a pile of cloth at a workstation.
“Well hello there, little one,” said Sassy, kneeling down to the pony as he played with some scraps. “And who might you be?”
He looked up with a bright smile. “I’m Li’l Cheese.”
“Li—Li-ill—Lill?”
Rarity laughed. “Oh, don’t bother, Sassy. His name is Cheese Slice, so you can just call him Cheese. This is Pinkie Pie’s filly.”
“Oh yes, indeed, I can see the resemblance. But wait, you said filly?”
Cheese shot up into the air and landed on his hooves. “I think being a filly sounds better than being a colt, and I like ‘he’ because it’s like ‘heeheehee’!” He jumped while giggling.
Sassy smiled. “Oh what fun! The ponies I know just stick to one set of gender terms. You’re a very clever filly for realizing you can mix and match.”
Cheese smiled and Rarity patted him on the head. “Yes, a very clever filly. You’re here to see Auntie Twilight too, correct?”
Cheese nodded his head.
“Well then,” Rarity said as she levitated a picture book from a nearby shelf. “I think you can show Twilight how clever you are by reading this book until she gets here.”
Rarity placed the book on the ground in front of the filly, and he sat down in front of it, squinting at the cover.
“Sweetie Belle loved this story when she was around your age, and I’m sure you’ll love it too.”
Cheese lifted the picture book to show Rarity, with an eyebrow raised.
“Reading’s good for you, Cheese, so go on. Now Sassy,” Rarity said as she turned to her business partner. “I must ask about that new saddle you’re wearing. It looks absolutely divine!”
“Oh bobkins Rarity, this old thing? It’s practically a relic. I designed it last month,” Sassy responded.
Rarity gasped. “No! But it’s so stylish!”
There was a light tapping noise.
“Yes, but that’s because I was able to predict when it would come back into style.”
“That’s remarkable!”
The tapping grew louder.
“Coming from you, that means everything, Rarity. I will have to burn this saddle by the time I leave Ponyville, though. Is it alright if I do that here?”
“Oh yes, feel free to—Cheese, dear, what are you doing?”
Cheese Slice sat there tapping the cover of the book. “I can’t click this book, Auntie.”
Rarity was silent for a moment. “Clicking? Darling, what do you mean? Just open the book.”
Cheese distorted his face in confusion and lifted the book with his hooves, checking around the edges.
“No—dear, just—just lift the cover, Cheese.”
Cheese put the book back down. “Where’s the power button?”
“Cheese? Have… have you never seen a book before?”
He thought for a bit. “How many terabytes do books have?”
Rarity gave Sassy a panicked look and pulled her away. “What is this?”
“How should I know?” responded Sassy. “This is your friend’s child.”
Rarity put her hoof to her forehead. “Pinkie didn’t show Cheese a book before? What could she be thinking? I know she considers play important, and Cheese has a lot of energy, but she must have read a book to him or something. How could she not when we’re friends with Twilight?”
“Moreover, what are these terra bites he’s talking about?”
“Terra means earth. Perhaps something earth pony related?” Rarity’s eyes widened. “Wait, terabytes, power button. Twilight told me about those before. They’re used in these devices from the human world called computer phones.”
“A computer phone? A way to get a math problem solved from a distance? How remarkable. But how could that lead to this?”
“The important thing is they have terabytes, my dear. As I recall, Twilight said terabytes are used for memory.”
“Good heavens! Do you think a computer phone took Cheese’s memory?”
“Let’s not jump to conclusions, Sassy. Twilight had all kinds of things to say about them, but I remember she once related to me an article her human counterpart sent her. Just like us ponies, humans have to deal with energetic and unruly children, but they realized they could use these computers to keep them under control.”
“Keep them under control? Through memory loss?”
“No, there isn’t any memory loss. Not that I recall, at least.”
Sassy gasped and Rarity rolled her eyes in response. She continued, “I admit, I don’t recall how the phone keeps foals under control and how terabytes are involved. Distant problems from a distant world; I didn’t think there was anything worth remembering. You understand. To sum it up, these phones are trouble for a developing foal’s mind.”
“How could a foal like Cheese have learned of such a thing?”
Rarity had a grim look on her face. “I hate to say it, but only one possibility comes to mind: Pinkie Pie. She gave Cheese a computer phone and now it corrupted his mind. It’s exactly what Twilight said was happening in the human world!”
“How horrifying! Could Pinkie really do such a thing?”
“For the how, I’ve known Pinkie to freely visit the human world, and the way Twilight talked about how prevalent the phones are, they can’t be more than a few bits. As for the why, Pinkie mentioned she has trouble finding babysitters for Cheese. Even she has limits to her energy, it seems, and this computer device phone was an easy solution. I suppose I can’t fully understand her situation, but surely she could have turned to her friends instead of this—this corrupter of the youth!”
“Astonishing work, Rarity! You truly are the Great Detective of the Fashion World! We should go talk to Pinkie Pie about this.”
“Aw, do ponies really call me that? I’m honored. But no!” Rarity stomped her hoof. “Twilight’s coming soon, and we can’t let her see Cheese in this state! We absolutely can’t! She’d be devastated! She could leave Equestria forever if she knew even the children of her friends were falling prey to computer phones! Sassy, you provide backup. I’m going in.”
Sassy nodded and Rarity walked with determination to the filly, who thankfully remained in place, staring at the book with wide eyes. She took a hoof to the top corner of the cover, lifted it, and turned to the inner title. Cheese, impressed by this, had a big smile.
“Planter Hoof and the Beanstalk,” he read out loud.
“Oh thank Celestia, you can read,” Rarity said.
Hope turned to dismay when Cheese swiped his hoof from the bottom of the page to the top. “It won’t scroll, Auntie.”
“Just turn the page, dear.”
Cheese persisted in swiping, until the page bent up. His expression drooped. “Oh no, I broke your book.”
“It’s fine, Cheese, it’s supposed to do that. Well, not supposed to, but it’s a thing it can do. Now, you’re almost there, Cheese. Instead of swiping up, swipe to the left.”
Cheese started with short swipes, just barely lifting the paper. At Rarity’s insistence, he swiped longer, until eventually, he turned the page, and he beamed at the new image in front of him.
“Wonderful! I knew you could do it!”
However, he quickly lost interest in the new page. “I don’t understand. Where are Elsa and Spider-Man?”
“... Sorry, who? Actually, hold that thought. Look here!” Rarity sat close to Cheese and pointed at the book. “This is Planter Hoof! See? Planter Hoof. The text here says he’s a poor farm pony.” Rarity turned the page. “And now he’s going to the market to buy some food.”
Cheese looked at Rarity in shock. “Food? Why is he buying food when he could be buying microtransactions and Pokémon creatures?”
“Uh, well, I’m sure those, uh, creatures are good, and with Pinkie as your mother, you don’t ever have to worry about food, but for most ponies, they have to spend money to get food.”
Cheese considered this, putting a hoof to his chin. “But why?”
“One problem at a time, dear.” Rarity turned the page. “Ooh, ooh, look at this, Cheese. A mysterious stranger is offering Planter three beans in exchange for his money. Let’s apply some critical thinking. Do you think that’s a good deal? Cheese?”
Cheese was unresponsive for a bit. “This book is paper, isn’t it?”
“You… didn’t realize this was paper before?”
“It’s like the decorations Mom and Dad put up, but I don’t understand. Why would they print up a bunch of tweets on paper and put them together?”
Rarity chose not to question what tweets are. “This book is supposed to be like this. It’s a continuous story where you turn the page to progress. Don’t you understand, Cheese?”
Cheese’s face twisted as he tried to, but eventually he pushed the book away and got up. “This is boring.”
Rarity got up too. “Cheese, wait! The story hasn’t even gotten started yet! There’s a big beanstalk, and a giant, and—and—”
“If the story wanted to be interesting, it should have been on Xbox.”
Rarity fell to the ground, defeated. “Oh Celestia! What will I do—just a moment, we don’t say that anymore, do we?” Rarity cleared her throat. “Oh Twilight! Oh Twilight! Oh Twilight!”
“You should save that for the bedroom, Auntie,” Cheese said with an innocent smile.
Rarity screamed.
She screamed again as she scrambled to Sassy, then climbed on top of her as the taller pony winced.
Then she considerately covered Sassy’s ears and screamed a third time.
“Cheesadilly Grover Slice! Who taught you that kind of language?”
Cheese tilted his head, confused. “Auntie Rainbow says that about you and Auntie Twilight all the time.”
“Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said with venom in her voice. “What in the world is that mare thinking, talking like that in front of you. Am I the only one in our generation who cares about the children? Well, Sassy?”
Rarity uncovered Sassy’s ears and she shook her head. “This is, well, quite concerning, yes.”
“Concerning is the least of it! Just think of how Twilight will react when she learns an entire generation of foals doesn’t know what a book is and speaks so rudely! Some spider’s tweets are more important than legitimate learning! It will have to be up to us, Sassy! Us fashion ponies will have to—”
There was a knock at the door, and it opened to reveal the worst possible pony in this situation.
Twilight Sparkle, still unused to her size, ducked down more than needed to get through the doorway. “Hey Rarity, I decided to get here early. It’s so good to see you!”
Rarity covered Sassy’s ears and screamed.
She lightly kicked Sassy in the side, and she instinctively trotted in front of Twilight. Rarity spread out her body to block Twilight’s view. “Don’t look! This boutique has become a den of sin!”
Even combined, their size was no match for Twilight’s long neck, and she easily looked past them. Her confused expression turned to a bright smile, and she teleported past the two unicorns. “Cheesy! How’s my favorite party filly?”
As Twilight and Cheese hugged, Rarity released a long, drawn out, “Nooo!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow at her, but quickly turned her attention back to the filly. “Did you finish that book I lent you?”
Cheese vigorously nodded his head and pulled a book out of his mane. “Shadow Spade and the Onyx Harness, all done. I have my report on it too!” he added as he pulled out two sheets of paper filled with hoofwriting. “I even talked to Aunt Maud about what an onyx is!”
“That’s fantastic, Cheesy!” Twilight said as she rubbed his head. “You are such a clever filly.”
Rarity froze, then slumped onto Sassy in confusion. “Wait, what?”
Twilight turned to Rarity with a smile. “I know, right! A filly his age, reading Shadow Spade and writing reports on it! I couldn’t be more proud!”
“No, I mean, yes, that’s impressive, but… I don’t understand. Cheese, did you have Elsa read that for you, and did you microtransact a Pokémon creature to write the report?”
Cheese smiled and shook his head. “Nope! Did it all on my own!”
It took a second, but it finally clicked.
“You were messing with me, weren’t you?”
Cheese nodded his head, and both Rarity and Sassy let out a sigh of relief.
Twilight giggled. “From your mentions of Elsa and Pokémon, I think I know what happened here. Remember when I told you that my human self informed me about the dangers of leaving kids in front of smartphones? Well she talked to Pinke in person about it, since you know how she keeps visiting the human world. Cheesy must have been there too, and you know how the things he hears can stick with him.”
Rarity laughed. “Oh, yes, that does make a lot of sense. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure I’ve already seen Cheese read a book. This was all quite silly.” She looked at the picture book she gave Cheese, and then the chapter book he returned to Twilight. “And I suppose he was acting up because I gave him too simple a book.”
She turned to Cheese and said, “Please don’t scare me like that again. Let this be a lesson to you. If your pranks are upsetting ponies, then they aren’t good pranks at all, and if something upsets you, you should tell us instead of pranking us.”
Cheese blushed in shame and looked away, but nodded his head.
“I will say, though, you’re quite an actor. I was completely fooled.”
His smile returned in response.
Twilight walked to the two other adults. “Now that the Cheese problem has been resolved, first of all, sorry I didn’t greet you, Sassy. It’s nice to see you.”
“It’s a pleasure, Twilight.”
“Second, I have to know what’s going on here.” She turned to Rarity, still sitting on Sassy, with a sly smile. “Trying to be taller than me, now?”
Rarity giggled and sat up, her head level with Twilight’s. “Intimidated, dear?”
“A bit. But I know the best way to take down an intimidating Rarity.”
Rarity and Twilight nuzzled each other, and Sassy turned her head away, blushing.
“Hold on, Twilight, I should probably get down before Sassy faints from embarrassment,” Rarity said while climbing down, then resumed nuzzling Twilight.
Cheese walked up to them with an innocent smile. “Are you going to $%^&?”
Rarity and Twilight froze mid-nuzzle and stared at the filly. There was still a Cheese problem after all.
Rarity looked at Twilight. “We need to have a talk with Rainbow Dash.”
Author's Note
Li'l Cheese is intended to be nonbinary in this story. He chooses to use male pronouns but prefers being called a filly, because why not?
SciTwi is overreacting and bringing everyone else into it. This story is making fun of both the moral panic about smartphones and the known issues with them.
