Truth or Dare

by Tirimsil

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Profanity, Slice of Life, Main 6
Length: 28821

A certain Princess invites the Element-Bearers to a special game between friends.

On a rare night when Equestria isn't about to collapse in on itself, a certain Princess invites the Element-Bearers to let their hair down with a special game between friends.

A homely semi-comedy originating as a character skit.

Touched up and resubmitted. While originally a confused mess in an attempt to worldbuild Reverie Equestria, this version now takes place in "meta canon" (the characters are dimly aware they are in a multimedia franchise) in a questionable point in time in the show's chronology.

Published 2019-10-27 00:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-10-27 00:20:01 UTC

Ch. 1 :: The Invitation

"Omigosh omigosh omigosh."

The many doors of Castle Harmony - as the girls had taken to calling Ponyville's elaborate, labyrinthine crystal palace - opened and closed rapidly as Twilight Sparkle pranced in one and out another, all along the inner wall of a balcony hallway, with no apparent regard to Euclidean geometry, as Pinkie Pie bounced giddily behind after her.

In older times, Twilight had run in circles around a table in her library, until she had worn a pit in the floor. That library had been blown to smithereens, so, instead, she did her fretting and pacing on the hardest stone and glass so hard that Big Macintosh broke his leg kicking it, and teleported to the doctor, still fretting and ranting, whenever her hooves started bleeding. Fortunately, she had magic, wings, and hollow bones now, so the wearing of her hooves was a bit slower than previously.

Twilight and Pinkie entered one door and came out of two different ones. Pinkie stopped bouncing and furrowed her brows, looking around like she was lost and confused.

"Omigosh omigosh omigosh."

As Twilight continued her mantra, Pinkie walked scowling back to the other girls, sat down, and crossed her forehooves as though offended.

"C'mon Twilight, it's no big deal," Rainbow Dash said for the tenth time that day, cool-girl-leaning against the outer wall, eyes half-lidded in exasperation. She tossed an orange up in the air and caught it over and over, her head turning and eyes rolling half-interested to follow its path. She wasn't juggling or doing anything special; the "Twilighting" going on was sucking all her energy.

"Rainbow Dash!" Rarity scoffed without looking up from her knitting. "You know better than to dismiss Twilight when she's worried about something." She clicked her tongue and undid a row or two, having dropped a stitch somewhere or another. Next to her, Fluttershy immediately undid several of her own rows so that she would not be further ahead.

"Yeah yeah, whatever," Rainbow Dash yawned, closing her eyes and throwing the orange up again. When she opened them, she saw Twilight's nose inches from hers, yelped, and collapsed, the just-tossed orange falling down and bouncing off of her head.

"No big deal?!" Twilight echoed. "We've just been abruptly invited to a very intimate occasion with a very delicate Princess!" She turned away from Rainbow Dash and pixie-trotted in place, eyes bugging out, face sweating, and wings flapping like an angry hen. She paused to check if her hooves were bleeding.

"Ain't you known Princess Celestia since you were in diapers?" Applejack asked, casually seizing the orange and tossing it out of the window. "She taught you magic, taught you etiquette, 'n' heck, probably taught ya how to use th' toilet. How's this any different?"

Twilight blushed and stamped her hoof, wincing - they were worn rather thin by now. "What in the world does that have to do with this!" She took deep breaths and tried to talk calmly. "She heard about a game that's supposed to be great for friends to play and she wants to play it with us."

"That sounds lovely," Fluttershy said, glancing between her work and Rarity's to keep equal pacing.

"The game she asked us to bring, which she chose specifically because she knows nothing about it, could go very very wrong within an instant."

"It's not Cards Against Equinity is it?" Dash quipped, getting up off the ground. Fluttershy's face turned to a pout and she set down her knitting.

"It's not what, dear?" Rarity asked absent-mindedly, still focused on her knitting. Fluttershy rapidly made X motions with her wings towards the other girls.

Twilight's eyes bugged out and she forgot to breathe for a second. "Oh heck no! It's Truth or Dare, Rainbow Dash!" Fluttershy let out a breath and relaxed, picking her knitting back up. She caught up to Rarity within a few seconds.

The pastel pegasus shrugged. "I'm not seeing the big deal. Hey, where'd my orange go?" Applejack looked in the opposite direction of the window, scrunching her mouth up as Dash began to look in the potted plants.

Pinkie stuck her head out of Twilight's mane. "If we're super duper unlucky we'll end up asking the Princess how many times a day she passes gas or daring her to go out in public without her jewelry on!"

Twilight clenched her jaw and shoved Pinkie back into her hair. "Pinkie Pie is correct, as she disturbingly often is. This game could be a disaster and we can't just refuse."

Taking her dirt-covered face back out of a plant, Dash rolled her eyes. "Uh, hello? Princess Celestia's a wild party mare. She'd have no problems with either of those things." she reasoned.

Twilight stared at her with wide eyes, silently mouthing "wild party mare". She looked like a baby pufferfish.

"Remember when she invited us ta th' Gala fer th' sole purpose of completely destroyin' it 'cause it were more borin' than hearin' a cow's life story in one sittin'?" Applejack reminded her.

"I still remember when she had seven tickets printed and only sent us two..." Fluttershy frowned in disapproval. "We'd just become friends and could have..." She paused, shut her eyes, and whispered scandalously. "... had harsh words with each other."

"We did have harsh words with each other, Shy," Rainbow Dash reminded her, using a wall tapestry to wipe off her face. Fluttershy shivered and nodded sadly. Rarity, fortunately for Dash, was too focused on her knitting to see her transgressions.

Blinking several times, Twilight suddenly gasped, put a hoof to her mouth, then began to shake her head and the same hoof rapidly. "Girls, I think you're mistaken --"

"She once pretended to take a sip so that Mr. and Mrs. Cake would overfill her cup!" Pinkie's shriek echoed from within Applejack's hat. The farmer quickly swiped it off of her head, held it at leg's length while leaning away, and shook it, producing no effect.

"Oh those were all so long ago, darlings. Have you seen the sultry things she's been wearing at public events this year? With that body? She's definitely embracing the 'fertility goddess' theme," Rarity surmised. "Oh bother!" She punctuated, and began to undo another row.

"Girls!!!" Twilight Sparkle yelled, loud enough for the room to shake.

Her companions froze, afraid they may have spoken too candidly and desecrated sacred ground. Rarity's aura continued to undo rows, with Fluttershy frantically trying to keep pace.

Twilight coughed delicately, standing just down the hallway so she could look at them all very sternly. "As much as I should be banishing every last one of you to the respective kindergartens, you are absolutely right about Princess Celestia. Except you, Rarity. How dare you?" she said, very mildly under the circumstances.

They blinked at her in confusion. Rarity grimaced as her and Fluttershy's knitting returned to square one.

"We've been invited by Princess Luna."

Pinkie fell down from the ceiling. Both knitters dropped their crafts. Five mares stared at her with pale faces.

Twilight stared at them with her regular, frustrated sock puppet face.

"Oh fuck." Rainbow Dash said.

"Yeah." Twilight sighed.

And so, a few minutes later, Twilight's hooves were bandaged up and the girls headed out the castle front door, failed to notice Spike unconscious on the grass covered in bits of orange, and headed into the market to put together a Princess Kit.

The girls walked up the marble stairs and stood in awe at the door to the Night Court.

The Princesses were under some pressure to indulge themselves in their architecture. While Celestia was quite modest and accepted her tall, ivory buildings with gratitude and some reluctance, and directed their shape as plush, soft, and welcoming - much like herself - Luna was all too eager to demand taller, more slender structures; her stone and metal often seemed to glow an ethereal blue against the night sky. She opted for gaunt, spiky stalks, rife with chains and gargoyle-ish faces, like a necromancer's tower, where some unfortunate prisoner might be kept to use her blood in dark magics.

The door itself was tall and thin, curved to a point like the blade of an elvish dagger. The wood was violet, the metal cross-bars black with unpleasant thorns. Woe betide the pony who was smashed against the wall by this vicious construct.

There was no line; the Shadow Princess had projected that her scheduled meetings would be finishing up at this time. Luna never took quite so much onto her plate as her sister, because she hated doing it and petitioners were terrified of her. Normally, she only addressed matters under her areas of expertise, such as engineering issues and internal security affairs. Celestia had been sick the last few days, though, and while some of her meetings had simply been rescheduled for a later date, Luna had been obliged to take some of the more pressing matters unto herself for immediate address.

Twilight knew that Luna, much like herself, would have dutifully researched the history behind all of her sister's former responsibilities to handle them as effectively as possible. Twilight, of course, was not privy to the exact circumstances of these petitions, but if they were important, they were probably stressful. Luna might be very cranky.

"Do we have everything?" Twilight asked her friends, again.

"Yeeesss," came the frustrated monotone chorus. "Especially the game."

"Let's go down the list," said Twilight, leading to a groan in perfect harmony.

Fluttershy checked her saddlebags yet again, nodding with a prim pout to indicate that the game box had not moved from her person in the last twenty seconds since she'd checked before.

"Allow me, girls," Rarity drawled in a long-suffering voice. For the so-dozenth time, her horn glowed, and everyone's saddlebags flashed with beeping trickling sounds for about three seconds.

Twilight Sparkle hated to toot her own horn, but she was one of the most talented and powerful formally-educated unicorns in Equestrian history - and she was still sometimes astounded at some of the (admittedly very non-standard) efficiencies the self-educated Ponyville genius incorporated into her work and daily life.

While Rarity's sheer power paled in comparison to her own - Twilight was once terrified she'd hurt her during a "tug-of-mind" session between them - her technique in her areas of expertise, enchantment and geomancy, were utterly mind-blowing even for a quick learner like Twilight. Non-pareil, Rarity might say.

Even Twilight had never gotten an Everything-Proof spell to "soak into" Abyssinian leather, one of the most luxurious and yet woefully enchantment-resistant textiles there was, but Rarity had pulled it off with all of their saddlebags in an impossible five minutes while Twilight may have been able to get it working for one saddlebag in about five hours. Rarity had also thrown in a Checksum Charm, and hers was recursive; she could check if any individual item in the bags was out of order, just as quickly as the entire bag. Twilight was quite capable of this latter feat, but her obsessive testing tended to make it a very lengthy process, and she often second-guessed herself.

Long ago, Rarity had nervously allowed Twilight to look over her work, perhaps expecting to be heavily criticized. Instead, Celestia's star student was so happy she could burst. She'd spent days babbling to everyone in Ponyville about how incredible Rarity was and how Twilight was still wrapping her head around some of the details. Of course, even the unicorns in Ponyville barely knew squat about magic on this level, and just listened and nodded with vacant smiles, happy that Twilight was praising a friend on... whatever in Equestria she was talking about.

Twilight frequently had to remind herself that Rarity didn't even know the standard terminology for half the spells she was using on a daily basis. Consequently, Rarity was confused when Twilight explained her own spells to her. Twilight couldn't comprehend doing such detailed thinking without using the proper words, but Rarity seemed to work her magic on sheer intuition. Maybe she didn't even "think about it" at all. And Spike could shut up with his nonsense story about Twilight mumbling in her sleep about taking Rarity's brain out for study.

By all means, Rarity occasionally screwed up a spell, but... well, so did Twilight. Compared to her, Rarity's mistakes tended to be more "inconvenient" and less "horrifically destructive". A faulty Twilight-powered spell could be used as a grenade in a pinch; one of Rarity's would be more like a smoke bomb.

"Forgive me for skipping the formalities, dear Twilight, but everything is here." the savant growled. Rarity had repeatedly been a shocking lesson to "Professor Plum", as Twilight's friends sometimes called her, that magic by the book was not always optimal, and reaffirmed the many lessons Princess Celestia had taught her never to look down on those who had not been fortunate to receive her level of education. In Rarity's case, the top three reasons all applied: because it's more important to be a friend than to be right, because they might still be just as smart as you, and because they might beat you up if you look at them funny. Rarity was a unicorn herself who'd been known to bowl Applejack over on at least one occasion -- her horn-noogies were lethal, putting every bully and big brother in Twilight's life to shame.

Slowing down her breathing, Twilight wiped the sweat off her brow. "I'm sorry, girls. I'm sure you've figured it out - it's not our saddlebags that are the issue. I'm just so nervous about approaching Princess Luna in this way. She never reaches out to ponies like this."

"She's doing it now," Fluttershy said with a smile. "We just have to pay attention, but please don't stare at her. If she seems nervous... We shooosh, and we let her decide what she wants to do."

"Unless what she wants to do is eat us in one bite." Dash mumbled quietly.

Twilight nodded to the guards. "Okay, we're ready."

They nodded back and turned to the doors - then everyone jumped back as they exploded open.

"-- AND DARE NOT TO BE SO INSOLENT AGAIN!" they suddenly heard at full force. Fancy Pants was power-walking out, tugging at his collar. He gave them a nod of recognition, sharing a very awkward grimace with Rarity, and hurriedly melted into the night of Canterlot.

The doorkeepers rolled their eyes before one led the girls in. Except for Fluttershy, they dragged their hooves, crawling low like puppies that thought they did something wrong.

The tiled floor was like black glass, a dark ocean reflecting a black-and-blue sky. They walked along a somber carpet, purple-crimson like drying blood, with gilded borders depicting dragons, manticores, and - allowing Twilight a distraction from her anxiety - trilequi. The common folk called the last of these "alicorns". She understood that the original meaning of this term, the ivory of a unicorn's horn, was not commonly known, and that the word had left the Ponish tongue, been happily appropriated by other languages, and then returned under this new definition to an unknowing public. She normally scowled when she thought about it, but her scowls tended to turn off when she dared to enter the same room as a Princess.

Another Princess, she corrected herself. She counted as one of those now, even if she was largely left to her own devices due to the ambiguous nature of her domain.

The carpet seamlessly zig-zagged up some stairs to a crescent moon dais bearing a black throne, on which sat the Moon Princess, who reclined sideways with her eyes closed and a hoof on her nose bridge like a barbarian queen.

Their escort saluted and bowed. "Your Majesty," he spoke to the dour Princess, "There is one final group visiting."

"WHO ELSE IS BOTHERING US TONIGHT?" came the reply, and then she opened her eyes.

She saw the lesser five mares huddled together, all staring across the hall and up at her on the dais, looking as small as possible. In front of them was Fluttershy, who gave her a friendly wave, seemingly unaffected by her outburst. The guards stayed stock still, but their eyes shifted to look anywhere but at the Princess or her guests.

Luna blushed bright red, her lips tight, and looked away, sitting up properly. "Oh!" she squeaked in a considerably quieter tone. "Forgive Us, Princess of Magic and other esteemed guests, you are not a bother at all. In fact, We speak quite honestly when We say we would welcome no other sight more at this particular juncture." She rose from her seat, her joints cracking as she stretched, and turned to the bat-winged guard on her left. "The Night Court retires! We wish it were forever, but alas, only for tonight. Tell all future petitioners tonight to buzz right off. Have twenty-one packets of goldenfern tea" - her guards tensed apprehensively - "sent to the..." She sighed and looked at the ceiling with a scowl. "You know what, I'm not calling it what she calls it. Send the tea to the Lunar Spire." She accented the last words dangerously.

Twilight happened to know that goldenfern tea was extremely expensive and was one of the most effective herbal remedies against migraines in Equestria. Well, one of the most effective that didn't carry a substantial risk of magically mutating the drinker into a tree. She paled and swayed, estimating the expenditure Luna had spent on them before their time together had even properly begun.

Luna walked past Fluttershy and the terrified Element-Bearers with her nose high. "Let us away from this sordid place," she said. "And quickly! We fear it shall begin raining shortly." The girls followed after her in a hush, the heavy blood-and-spike doors slamming shut behind them like the gates to Tartarus.

And so, the party was lead to a tower suite near Luna's private quarters, which the younger sister had supposedly used for stargazing long ago. It had been remodeled into quarters for Luna's invited guests, the way Celestia generally invited them to the Solar Terrace.

By any name it was a lovely place for six mares to stay, but tonight, anyone who knew what was good for them was calling it the Lunar Spire, not Woona Tower.

Ch. 2 :: The Rules

The Lunar Spire was a work of art in more ways than one. The center room was massive and opulent; as few had ever been in Luna's private quarters, one could not be sure if even the Princess herself slept in finer luxury. Of course, it was decorated to Luna's sensibilities; where the Solar Terrace was bright, lacy, and may have delighted Rarity's little sister Sweetie Belle, this place was dark, elegant, and almost sensual, with lavish curtains ranging from black to eggplant to crimson, often trimmed with gold and cut in sharp angles. Twilight seemed to recall that, once Luna had returned to her duties, the papers had "subtly" equated her initial revision to the parlor of a succubus and she had made some hurried adjustments.

It was framed so naturally, so perfectly, that one could easily pretend there was not any such vulgar thing as an extravagant bathroom hidden in one side of the tower. When they arrived, Luna watched Rarity scour the walls looking for it, and smiled at her overwhelmed... whatever that noise was she made when she found the door and poked her head in to look around. The Princess assured them that they were all free to run as much water as they liked, as the squeak of a faucet and Rarity's manic laughter resounded from the shower, muffled by the thickness of the walls. "It is precisely what it is for, after all," she told them as Twilight nervously fished out her notepads and projected the cost to the treasury.

And here, in the prestiged Lunar Spire, where only a handful of ponies had ever been, for the Warden of the Night was not one to openly acknowledge friends...

The girls, sans Rarity, stopped admiring the Princess-sized sit-pillows for a second, so they could be horrified that Fluttershy and Luna were chatting quite comfortably over goldenfern tea.

A beautiful doe, reddish-pink with rosy hair, had come fearfully into the room with a small cart covered in tea packets -- twenty-one, as we might recall from earlier -- and hadn't said a word beyond "Tea, Your Majesty..." Luna had moved the packets to the table, given her a nod, a smile, and a "Go and be well, Riverrose", and she had exhaled in relief and bowed out of the room, somehow taking the cart with her in the process.

"Oh my, I didn't know there were deer in Equestria..." Fluttershy mused. "We've never met one before."

"I haaaave!!" Pinkie called, then shrank with a grimace at Fluttershy's scowl and Luna's even stare. "... N-never mind! Just being Pinkie! Haha..." And she quieted.

"You haven't?" Luna blinked. "That can't be right, I was certain you'd bumped into a few before... Is there not a tribe right in the Everfree Forest?"

Fluttershy stared at her with wide eyes for a moment before replying. "Not that I know of... Maybe they're very... shy?" she offered.

"... but there was that Fern Gully-like incident, Twilight Sparkle cut down that tree, and --" Luna suddenly blinked rapidly and shook her head. "Oh! Oh, forgive Us, wrong universe -- er, forget about that! So, about Fancy Pants..."

"Of course," Fluttershy said, utterly ignoring that the Princess had just momentarily lost her mind. "I can't believe a pony would ask that of you," she sympathized. "That seems very uncharacteristic of someone anywhere near so polite and thoughtful as Mr. Fancy Pants."

"You find him polite?!" Luna squawked. "He has been a thorn in Our side since We returned from the moon. We almost wish to go right back there just to be rid of him."

"Really?" Fluttershy asked with wide, surprised eyes. "He's always been so genial to us... He's particularly kind to Rarity --"

"I shan't be surprised!!" Luna cut her off, but Fluttershy listened patiently. "Rarity is a starlet in Canterlot, you know; her incredible etiquette, despite her humble upbringing, lead the tabloids - and, I fear, Fancy Pants - to exploit her as a trinket! A 'tamed savage', they call her."

Applejack piped up. "A tamed wut?!" Fluttershy gasped and did "cut! cut!" motions to Applejack with her wings.

Luna put a wing to her mouth, knocked off-guard. "I -- I. I." She looked both ways anxiously.

"Oh, Applejack! Princess Luna doesn't think of you as a savage. The tabloids do. The same tabloids who are so unfair to the Princesses and to everyone else," Fluttershy cooed.

Realizing her horrible mistake, Applejack tugged at her hat in a cold sweat and backed down. "Oh! Yeah, them uh, them papers is full of it," she said simply, and shut her mouth as Luna nodded.

Rainbow Dash knocked at the bathroom door. "Rarity, are you about done in there?" She sighed at the sound of rain and singing. "There's no way she can hear us. Hope we get to play before it's time to go to sleep."

"Th-that provides our group with an opportunity," Luna fidgeted, "F-for as We said in Our letter, We... do not know the rules..."

"Did somepony say 'read the rules'?" Twilight chirped, and began to rip the game box apart to get at them.

"We do not understand..." Luna said, tapping her wingtips together like a shy little girl. Twilight's heart stopped for a second, rapidly envisioning fifty of her one hundred and twelve accounted-for disaster scenarios. "On one's turn, one opts either to speak a truth or to perform a dare, yes..?"

Twilight nodded slowly. "Y-yes." She'd never appreciated before how nice nodding felt. She hoped she might be able to continue to nod tomorrow. "On each player's turn, the pony across from her - we're an odd number, so it won't be directly across - will draw either a Truth card or a Dare card, as the player selects. The player must then either answer the question on the Truth card, or fulfill the conditions on the Dare card. There are no take-backs or do-overs once the card has been read unless all players agree to retract the card."

"I understand this much. But... one does not earn points by speaking truths or performing dares?" Luna finished, her head tilted to the side.

"Nope!" Pinkie honked. "This game's just for fun!"

"But doth fun not require the receiving of points?" The Princess asked in a small voice. She looked quite lost. Twilight's throat tightened up.

"Well, sure ya can use points in a game," Applejack consoled her. "But then it gits ta be a competition, as everypony'll want th' most points. That's a, uh, a particular weakness of m'self 'n' Rainbow Dash." She gestured to the pegasus next to her, who nodded solemnly.

"I am a jealous god," Rainbow Dash rumbled in her most serious tone.

"I reckon this game just doesn't want ta turn into me versus Rainbow Dash 'n' me versus Rarity like ev'ry other durn game we play," Applejack chuckled.

"So this game..." Luna pieced together, "... is not a game that... one wins?"

The girls placed their hooves to their mouths and thought about that.

"That's right!" Pinkie Pie eventually volunteered. "It's like a party or a sleepover! Everypony has fun. Nopony wins!"

Luna perked up. "A game with no winner... then, perhaps, it also has no loser," she inferred, leaning forward off of her pillow. "Then none should be slighted by the perception of a poor performance, for there is no metric to grade one."

"That's right!" Pinkie continued. "Absolutely everyone is equally appreciated!"

Luna slammed her forehooves down on the wooden floor, startling everyone. "I would be most delighted to try this game with you at once!!" she barked, then looked away from everyone, blushing. Fluttershy smiled.

"That depends on if the hitherto unknown Princess of Magnificence ever gets out of the freaking shower," Rainbow Dash pouted. "Some of us need to use the other facilities."

Applejack opened her mouth and Dash put a hoof over it. "I am not doing my business while she's in the shower," Dash grunted. Applejack rolled her eyes.

Twilight returned to the rules. "To determine the turn order... " She began rapidly mumbling to herself. The others stared at her, waiting for explanation.

Twilight blinked at the paper with a terse scowl. It listed seven incongruent means of determining turn order, followed by the rough equivalent of "who gives a crap." She was on her own to decide.

Twilight refused to bring up the Princess's age or height, so ordering by that was not acceptable - also, she would either go first or last in either case. If they went alphabetically, Twilight would either be first or last. Whoever went first or last would have a substantially multiplied embarrassment coefficient and that absolutely could not be Luna or herself as Twilight would immediately die in either case.

Then she remembered that, when no one was looking, she had arranged their sit-pillows in a circle by order of standard hue index. Yes! That was perfectly sensible and no one would be confused. Obviously.

Fortunately for everyone else present, as soon as Twilight opened her mouth, Rarity trotted back out, giggling like a filly ten years younger. "I'm so sorry to keep everyone waiting, but you all simply must try this shower first thing in the morning!" She paused and remembered what was going on, wincing with a grimace. "O-of course, the Princess has her own splendid facilities, I'm certain..."

"I am pleased you approve, Miss Rarity," Luna greeted her. "I insist that my guests enjoy equal comfort to my own. We are currently attempting to determine turn order."

"Oh! Well, let Rainbow Dash go first, she's used to that. We can go clockwise from there." And Rarity sat back down upon her sit-pillow, squealing with delight. "These are especially wondrous right after a shower. Oh my~"

Twilight glared at Rarity. She loved her ingenious spell-weaving. She hated her asinine thunder-stealing.

"Wait-a-minute!" Rainbow Dash interjected. "I... I'll be right back." And she disappeared into the bathroom.

Without taking her eyes off the purple-maned thief, Twilight wrote down the seating arrangement and turn order.

Princess

Applejack     Twilight

Dash        Pinkie

Fluttershy  Rarity

Start with Twilight challenging Dash
Go clockwise
Scoot asker clockwise 1 space for each repeat

Ch. 3 :: The Voice

The girls settled down onto the huge, plush pillows the Princess had graciously provided. Rarity gave a content sigh and an immodest butt-wiggle, and all but fell asleep, snuggling into her roost like a bunny.

Rainbow Dash returned from the restroom. Twilight could not help but notice she seemed rather more glittery than before. She comfortably trotted back to her pillow and fell into it with eyes closed.

Twilight turned her head away and closed her near eye, blinded by the shine radiating from Dash. "... Right, so, if no one else has any business in the washroom, I believe I am the one asking first, and it's Rainbow Dash's turn."

"Aw man!" The pastel pegasus opened her eyes and moved to perk up indignantly, but thanks to the softness of her pillow, toppled half-off with her front hooves on the wood floor. "Remind me again, why am I first?!" She objected, attempting to ignore her slip entirely.

Pinkie Pie, who was bouncing up and down on her pillow like a trampoline, spoke in a bouncy, distorted voice - one word between each impact. "BeCaUsE... SiLlY... YoU'rE... AlWayS... NuMbEr... oNe!" On the next landing, she disappeared up to her neck in the pillow and stopped bouncing immediately. "Urk."

"Cheesy," Dash sighed, "... but I'll let it pass." With a struggle, she rotated herself to recline on her cushion nonchalantly. She raised her forelegs to move them behind her head and swiftly sunk into her pillow, her smug grin changing to a pout.

"Okay!" Twilight chirped brightly. "So: Truth or dare, Dash --"

"PFFT!" Dash spat, waving a hoof dismissively. "Duh! Dare, of course!" She placed both forelegs back behind her head, now spreading out her wings as though hoping it worked like quicksand, and having more surface would keep her from sinking too much.

Twilight giggled. "I thought so." Her smile vanished as her mind's eye patted along the floor in front of her and found nothing. Her horn, the horn that could evacuate an entire city population by teleporting, gave a pathetic sputtering sound as she stopped feeling around. "Huh? Hey, where're the dare cards?" She looked to the sides and behind, this time with her regular eyes.

Princess Luna tilted her head. "I believe you are laying upon them," she conjectured. "It is common for small things to get lost in these pillows." She looked askance at Rainbow Dash, whose smile seemed a bit forced as her wings trembled to hold her full body above her pillow.

"... Oh." Twilight blushed deeply. Long ago, Fluttershy had insisted on a "Filly Talk" session in a private and undisclosed place. It turned out that every last one of them was terrified of the prospect of ever becoming a mother - they felt they could barely take care of themselves, let alone a family. Rarity, with her critical eye and flair for symbolism, named Twilight as the absolute prime mother material predominantly due to the size of her ass. Rarity was forced to cease speaking when she realized that she would need to embarrass Fluttershy and Pinkie - the latter of whom was just as wide in the back, please and thank you - and offend the petite Rainbow Dash to maintain this pattern of logic.

Besides, Pinkie was already sitting the Cake twins, Fluttershy was the mom of every animal in the local area, and Applejack was all of their moms whenever any of them needed somebody to cry on, so Rarity could shove that right back where she got it from.

Her face itching, Twilight got off her pillow and rummaged around within it, producing a long box of cards. Clearing her throat abashedly, she elegantly settled back onto her pillow - ignoring Dash's scowl at how easy this was for her, given her butt-to-pillow ratio.

Despite her seeming comfort, if it'd been her turn to tell a truth, Twilight would say she was a bit nervous. Like Luna, she'd never played any kind of Truth or Dare before, and had heard it could easily provoke friends to be mean or harmful to each other. She'd read a couple of self-styled "books" - how dare they, at best they were magazines - which purported to have "the best" questions to ask or dares to issue, and had refused to even stock them in her library, not even under Trifles & Tabloids, due to how callous, dangerous, or downright mean some of them were. Put the first thing you find in the trash in your mouth for one minute? Foals played this game. They might swallow whatever that is! ... Heck, Luna might swallow it if she thought the rules said to do so.

Perhaps the others might have noticed her hesitation in drawing the first card... but surely they heard her relief when she read it. "Oh, this is nice," she announced. "I was afraid the dares would be mean in this game."

Fluttershy beamed. "Nuh-uh~" She said, almost proudly. "I asked around first! I chose this game because they specifically told me the cards are... nice." She looked away, lowering her neck. "... The really mean ones are when there are no cards..."

"That's true," Twilight affirmed, nodding. Naturally, one would only need those title-usurping "books" if one did not already have card prompts. "Dash and Pinkie would go way overboard with improvised dares."

Finally having found balance on her pillow, Dash scowled, her wings spreading slightly, her feathers spread like cats' claws. "I would not!" she objected.

"All present pale in comparison to the cruelty of an older sister," Luna announced.

"... Yep, probably." Dash accepted. "So, what's my dare anyway?"

"Oh, sorry," Twilight began. "The card reads --"

But Applejack, as was her habit, cut her off. "Ya feelin' a little nervous, Dashie?" She teased, propping herself up with a grin.

"Oh shut up," Dash dismissed her, waving her off with a wing. "It's your turn next, see who's nervous then, ya jerk."

Applejack rolled her eyes and said no more, looking back towards Twilight and waiting.

"Oh, do I get to read the card now." Twilight sassed, scowling. She shook the card in the air as though it had gained dust in the interim and, holding it just below her eye line so she could look at her friends while reciting, read it aloud. "... Tell a short story for young foals to the group, doing all of the character voices."

As Luna smiled and blinked, Rainbow Dash leapt half-out of her pillow, forehooves on the ground. Pounds of glitter fell off of her. "What?!" She squealed with a blush. "That's stupid! I don't wanna do that! Give me something cooler!"

"Aww, what's th' matter, Dashiekins?" Applejack crooned in a motherly voice. "No good at yarn-tellin'?"

"I... I'm very talented, but I'm absolutely no good at anything involving yarn!" Dash croaked. "Or doing dumb voices..."

"That ain't what I heard," Applejack continued with a smirk, "I heard that them adorable voices o' yers're real extinguished."

"Exquisite, darling," Rarity mumbled, still half-asleep within her cushions. "Or maybe distinguished."

"That's th' one! That first one," Applejack admitted.

"You shut your mouth, AJ!" Dash spat. "Who told you that, anyway?! All specific 'n' shit --"

Twilight's heart stopped again as everyone stiffened and glanced at the Princess, who regarded Dash with a curious tilt to her head. Dash slowly followed their gazes, grimaced, and looked both ways. "Um... and stuff." she corrected herself meekly. "The, a-hrm, the real good story-teller's Twilight! She even does the songs!"

The Princess blinked and smiled a little.

Her heart starting back up, Twilight began to nervously hum Hearth's Warming songs to herself. Her mind began to alternate between possible scenarios wherein Applejack might discover Rainbow Dash's talent for cute character voices, and future punishments for Rainbow Dash's faux pas that were very severe but technically legal.

"I believe," Luna began, and everyone fell silent immediately, "... that the modest bookshelves in this room should have a dedicated section for foals, should Rainbow Dash not feel comfortable devising her own."

Rainbow Dash paled and made a strange choking sound, unwilling to directly defy the Princess. "I..." she stuttered. "... but why though," she managed.

Luna blinked, slightly taken aback. "We may invite guests of any age to the Lunar Spire, of course..." she explained. "Families, for instance. Foals do not appreciate the same things as adults. Having a few silly toys and trinkets around covers edge cases."

"Got one!!!" Pinkie shrieked from the far wall, waving a book like she was using it help a plane land. Dash's ears drooped as Pinkie skipped over and offered the book to her from her chest out with a beaming smile, like a Hearts & Hooves gift.

"Mr. Kitty's Hungry Time," Dash recited the title in a monotone.

"I love kitties," Rarity mumbled into her pillow. Everyone else rolled their eyes.

"You've gotta read every word in this book," Pinkie Pie chirped.

Rainbow Dash sighed and accepted the book, looking down at the floor red-faced.

Mr. Kitty's Hungry Time
Written by Little Big Words
(C) AC 2005, all rights reserved
Published by

"Okay fine, skip those!!" Pinkie cried impatiently. "C'mon c'mon c'mon, and do the voices!!"

"There haven't been any voices!" Dash protested. "I'm the narrator, so it's my voice! Ugh! Good thing this's so short..." She sighed and turned the page with great reluctance.

Mr. Kitty was hungry. "Meow meow," he said.

"Hey!" Pinkie protested. "Cats never sound that bored."

Fluttershy nodded. "Forgive me for criticizing, Rainbow Dash, but they're much more passionate," she said sincerely.

"Meow meow!" Rainbow Dash repeated, more loudly.

"Little more nasally 'n' that," Applejack offered. "Th' feller Winona's always chasin' off the farm sounds just like Filthy Rich when he drops a bit."

"Try compressing your pharyngeal dorsum against your soft palate," Twilight offered, leading everyone else in the room to stare blankly at her. Twilight blinked back at them, her face reddening. If everypony she knew liked to talk so much, they should learn the names of their mouth-parts, darn it.

Rainbow Dash hid her own red face behind the book, growling. "MeEeOoOWwW MeeEoOoOooWwWww..." she eventually offered in a warble.

Everyone erupted in applause and cheers.

Rarity leapt up with a start, snorting herself awake. "What in the name of Lavan is all this noise?!" she squawked, rubbing at her eyes. "I thought Opal needed to be let out..."

"A bit vulgar, but intelligible!" Fluttershy praised. "We'll need to work on conjugating verbs for politeness. Remember your timberwolf call? This will be much easier!"

"I think I'll pass on learning cattish, Shy. I hope a timberwolf kills Mr. Kitty," Rainbow Dash growled. "Puts his head on a pike."

"He wouldn't be hungry no more," Applejack concluded, smiling ear to ear. "Keep goin'."

Dash grumbled.

But Mr. Kitty's food was on the table.
He hopped and he skipped and he jumped.
But he couldn't get up there.

"What a cruel thing to do to a kitty," Fluttershy bemoaned.

"Oh, you're reading a book -- yes, well, one should never encourage a kitty to traverse upon a table," Rarity preached. "Or there shan't be a thing left upon it once she's left." Fluttershy nodded in agreement.

Rainbow Dash adopted a wasp-like buzz.

"DyYyAaAarRrnNn! IiIi cyaAanNn't geEet uUup thEeEerRre!"

She coughed and scowled. "... he said." she continued in her normal voice. "I'm not surprised, the pudgy bastard."

"I... don't think that last line's in a book for foals." Twilight pouted.

"I concur," Rarity sniffed. "And I've yet to find a table that a kitty can't get onto. They can teleport, like unicorns. You look away and back again and oh, there she is, and there goes another glass..."

"Kitties are very sensitive about their weight," Fluttershy said. "Their ancestors were natural hunters, and they feel very inadequate if they are even a little bit tubby."

Everyone glanced at Pinkie, who was batting a wrapped candy between her forehooves like a cat with a mouse. She was a natural predator only of refrigerators.

Just then, Mr. Kitty's owner, Hairball, came by.

Rainbow Dash blinked. "Hairball is a filly."

"That's a pony's name?!" Twilight confirmed.

"We have heard worse," Luna mused.

"Rainbow Dash and I knew a girl in flight school," Fluttershy offered. "She was an exchange student. Her name was pronounced something like duweer, but it was spelled D-O-G-H-A-I-R... so everyone in school except me called her Dog Hair..." She finished sadly. "It does sound more like an Equestrian name, to be fair..."

"What?" Rainbow Dash cut in. "... That wasn't her name?! No wonder she hated me so much!"

"Unhappily, this filly really is named Hairball," Rarity reminded, "... which is quite simply dreadful, and we should get her misery over with quickly and continue with this book."

"My entire family has stupid names," Pinkie reminded everyone.

Rainbow Dash read over the next line, her face turning a deeper red.

"Hewwo Mr. Kitty!" said Hairball.

This led all of her friends to immediately erupt into uncontrollable giggles.

Rainbow Dash shrunk, beginning to fidget and squirm. Twilight knew the feeling, as her face had just been itching at the start of this round, and felt very guilty for joining in on the laughter. The Princess blinked and looked around at everyone with a smile, though she kept her composure.

"Is... is that... yer Cozy Glow impression?!" Applejack asked between guffaws. "It's a dead ringer!!"

Fluttershy craned her neck to look in the book. "O-oh my, that does look a lot like her..!" she whinnied.

"Mind she does not use the cat to banish all dogs from Equestria," Luna warned with a smile.

Rainbow Dash closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she opened them again.

"Teehee! Yew can't get up thewe, can yew?"

"She's just as mocking as the real McColt!" Rarity giggled.

"Nyyo I cyyaAan't," said Mr. Kitty, "AaAnd IiI yam verRrRy haAaAngry!"

"Hangry?!" Applejack hollered, falling apart into raucus yip-yahoos.

Giggling into her wings, Twilight had to admit that hangry was one of her favorite colloquial portmanteaus. Through her chortles, Twilight managed to get one of her eyes open. She looked to the Princess, who held a wing to her mouth bashfully, trembling with a repressed laugh.

Other than Luna, only Pinkie was keeping herself under control. "I don't know if Mr. Kitty knows what true hangry is," she said judgmentally. "Unless he stole Celestia's breakfast once."

"OHOHOHOHOOO!!!" Everyone jumped as Luna erupted into laughter, burying her face in her pillow self-consciously, blushing pink. Even through the fabric, her muffled hooting carried quite well.

Rainbow Dash took the excuse to recuperate, until Luna had gotten herself under control, before she proceeded with a face brighter than any reindeer's.

"Let me hewp yew!" Hairball said.
She gently picked Mr. Kitty up around his cute round tummy and put him on the table.

"Unlike Cozy Glow, Hairball is an idiot," Rarity judged. Everyone nodded.

And Mr. Kitty was able to eat as much as he liked.

"Th-this explains his corpulence..." Luna offered, still giggling.

Everyone jumped and turned towards a growl from Pinkie. "Dumb cat had better be getting his exercise, or he's making the rest of us round-tummied folks look bad..." she hissed.

But he made a terrible mess.
"Mr. Kitty! Yew made a tewwibuw mess," Hairball said. "My pawents are gonna be weawwy mad."

"Don't wanna piss off Cozy Glow's parents none," Applejack said, and everyone shuddered. Cozy's father was the loudest creature they had ever met.

Dash must have turned off her mind to power through the rest of the story, or else Twilight was sure she would have refused to read it as written.

And when Hairball's parents came home and saw the mess, she and Mr. Kitty and the person reading this book all got tickled.

There was a pause.

"Wait what --" Rainbow Dash said blankly, then squeaked as Applejack's lasso caught around her middle. Within an instant, Twilight's panic rocketed up and then vanished in relief; she was terrified that one day Applejack would land the lasso around someone's limb or neck. Fortunately, the only grievous injuries Applejack had inflicted so far were to inanimate objects.

"Yep," Applejack said, jumping over to seize Rainbow Dash immediately, "'n' ol' Honest Applejack lasso'd Rainbow Dash by 'er cute round tummy --"

"You better not!!" Rainbow Dash cried, struggling to get out, but unable to find a solid purchase while Applejack held her against her pillow. Her eyes were suddenly wide with terror.

"-- so's she wouldn't fly 'way none," Applejack continued, "On 'count of Applejack knows better 'n' anypony in Ponyville jes' where Missy Rainbow Dash is th' most ticklish."

"S-stop! Anypony else! Not Applejack!" Rainbow Dash yelled, trying to kick at Applejack with little success.

"Now, foal's books is supposed ta be edge-a-ma-cational-like," Applejack said calmly, still holding Rainbow Dash down. "And on account o' my tickle-touchin' is so extinguished --"

"Exquisite, dear," Rarity said over Dash's lion cub roars, then wrinkled her nose. "Or perhaps distuinguished -- er, have we had this conversation before?"

"-- that's th' one, that first one," Applejack said. "Y'all will be seein' th' proper technique just presently, what fer yer edga-a-ma-cation." Twilight could not stop her mouth from scowling. It just happened when Applejack put on that smug face and did that smug voice.

Twilight blinked. Did everyone else want to sock her as badly, most of the time, as she wanted to sock Applejack right now? She couldn't have... a punchable face, could she? About a week or two into their friendship, Rainbow Dash once did that thing where you pretend you're gonna punch someone in the nose but then stop short. Twilight had squeaked. Did Rainbow Dash still want to not-punch her in the nose?! She was the one who asked this dare, after all!

Twilight's blatantly irrational panic was soothed by the sound of Applejack's pompous drawl. "Now, I ain't got no wings m'self," the cheeky freckle-cheeked heckler said, now sitting on Rainbow Dash's behind and "cracking" her hooves like knuckles, "But it sure seems ta me they're mighty sensitive."

Immediately, Twilight felt her wings locking hard to her sides, the feathers spreading like a fan of blades. She saw the same movement from Fluttershy and the Princess. Rainbow Dash made a sound somewhere between an elephant trumpet and a sob.

Rarity gave a prim pout. "Mm, I've noticed this myself," she concurred. "I once mistakenly attempted to get Fluttershy's attention with a tug to one wing..."

"Oh my, yes!" Fluttershy opined uncomfortably. "The feathers can shelter our skin from the cut of the wind, but... the wrong physical touch can be... unbearable..." She shuddered as Applejack nodded solemnly.

Luna shifted on her seat a bit. "It is worse when they are wet... 'tis not so different from how one walks upon hooves, yet the hooves are quite ticklish."

"You might remember me screamin' when I broke my wing and had to go the hospital?!" Dash testified. "The pain broke my mind! Made me an egghead! Sensitive! Very! No touchy!"

"Don't worry, Dashie, I won't break nothin', won't hurt a darn thing 'cept yer pride," Applejack cooed. "I promise." And, as everyone else with wings shut their eyes and looked away, she started tickling Rainbow Dash's wings.

For the first second, Rainbow Dash just tensed and made those weird "kuh!" sounds. Then Applejack seemed to find the weak point - right around the bases - and she started shaking and laughing... or rather, giggling like Rarity and snorting like Pinkie Pie.

This soon progressed to girly shrieking, along with the snorts.

Everyone other than Applejack - even Luna - went wide-eyed at hearing such sounds coming from Rainbow Dash. "Most unexpected." the dark horse offered. "I had predicted cackling." Both her wings, and Twilight's, occasionally suddenly jerked; Twilight felt like invisible lightning was crackling at her sides.

"My word," Rarity cooed, her smile widening and eyes watering. "She was always a bit more effeminate than she let on!" she mused fondly, and sniffled. "She's so cute!"

Applejack let up after ten torturous seconds and extracted Dash from her lasso. Dash twisted away from her as she backed off and sat back down, squirming uncomfortably with her wings writhing. "Y-you..!" Dash rasped, her eyes watering. "I hate you..!" But Applejack smiled, because even if Dash might maybe have meant it, she had no breath to put any malice in it.

"Oh-oh-oh!" came Pinkie's voice from an empty pillow. When everyone turned to look, the pillow sprang up with her underneath it, wearing it like a massive hat. "Do me next! I wanna make cute piggy noises too!" And, without any tickling, Pinkie's nose - the only part of her face visible under her pillow-hat - began convulsing with oinks.

As her wings sensed the danger had passed and calmed down, Twilight rubbed her chin with a hoof. She wasn't entirely surprised to hear Rainbow Dash devolve into girlish squealing. She already knew from Fluttershy that Dash had been more of a girly-girl in flight school - "a fashionista", Fluttershy had said. This apparently stopped in the few weeks after Rainbow Dash first met Rarity. She furrowed her brows and considered the correlation.

With her head full of thoughts of Rainbow Dash hiding a tutu between her wings from Rarity, and pampering herself at the Ponyville spa on days Rarity wouldn't be there, Twilight blinked and remembered what was going on. "Oh!" She said. "I suppose that concludes Rainbow Dash's turn!"

"Your performance was marvelous, dear, after a shaky start," Rarity offered.

"Are you kidding!!" the red-faced blue girl shouted. "Did you see how... how... not cool I was?!" Of course they did. So what? It wasn't like Twilight was cool. If Applejack had tickled her wings, she would be crying and hiccuping and calling her a bully. Twilight was rather lame, if she said so herself - even as a Princess.

"Oh Rainbow Dash," came Fluttershy's soft tones, "I still think you're very cool. You're the coolest girl in the spa." Her voice became even quieter and she looked both ways before raising a forehoof and continuing. "Goooooo... Rainbow Dash!" She punched about half an inch forward to accentuate this.

Dash hid her face in her pillow. "Yeah sure. Thanks." she droned listlessly.

Ch. 4 :: The Garden

Pinkie thought it was just precious how Rainbow Dash had giggled and snorted.

Maybe Twilight thought so too, but the story was only in Twilight's head for the first three chapters so nobody will ever know. See, the author decided, hey, let's be in the head of the question-asker for each round! So now it was Pinkie's head's turn and she was really mad about how the brony fandom had perverted bananas. Maybe Twilight was thinking something like, On my turn they'll make me eat someone's boogers, or some other totally unrealistic thing like that, and that made sense because bananas tasted a lot better than boogers (or at least every-flavor banana beans tasted better than booger beans), even though they both started with B, but then so did broccoli and broccoli beans tasted awful. Broccoli tasted okay but it gave you gas.

Pinkie wondered when lunch break was. Then she remembered there was still a story to tell, one so important the author pulled it and edited it and resubmitted it again to tell it more betterly - so, with great difficulty, the Ponk turned her oh-so-evasive attention back to the game.

"Gosh," Twilight beamed. "I'm so happy that this has been so comfortable for everyone so far!"

"Speak for yourself," Dash groaned, her face still sunk in her pillow. It must have smelled quite nice. Like bananas. "Pinkie better have something good."

Pinkie pouted. She didn't have something good. She had the gitchy feelin'. That's what grannies called it. Granny Pie called it that, Granny Smith called it that, and now Pinkie would be calling it that until she was a granny too. Would Pinkie be a granny? She'd have to have kids and they'd have to have kids to be a granny. Pinkie preferred to think about food and not about kids. She would probably name her kids after kinds of cheese. She'd call her daughter Cream Cheese -- wait, her mom was a Pie, she'd be Cream Pie. Wait no, bronies. She would not be named Cream Pie.

"Oh shucks, that's right," Applejack grinned across the room. Her freckles made her look like a big banana cupcake. She was so happy, probably because in the last chapter she got to be awful to Rainbow Dash, but it was a friendly kind of awful. "This round oughta be me at Pinkie's mercy, yeah? Hope she don't tickle me," she chuckled.

Pinkie wasn't gonna tickle her because --

"Pinkie's legally restricted from tickling anypony," Dash mumbled. Luna nodded. Yep, that was the problem. Did you know Equestria actually has a fun police?

Pinkie narrowed her eyes and pointed a hoof at her eyes and then at Applejack's eyes, prompting a chuckle from her. Eyes. Pinkie herself then fell into a giggle fit. Her poker face was terrible. Poker was gambling and gambling was bad. She'd had a big fight with Maud about it once. Maud's poker face was flawless. Especially the eyes.

"A'ight, hit me," the palomino (Pinkie hoped that was the right word) provoked her. "Truth." She narrowed her eyes.

Luna looked at Pinkie funny. Her eyes were all bright. She must've been expecting something.

Dash finally poked her head back up. "You always -- Pinkie, stop staring at me."

"I'm trying to figure out what to think about your eyes," Pinkie explained, still staring.

"W... what?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Anyway, Applejack, you always pick Truth."

Fluttershy giggled. "I'm not surprised... This is Applejack we're talking about..."

But Applejack shook her head. "Not always! Gosh. I mean, sure, I got me a reputation 'n' all, but I pick them Dares sometimes on 'count of I ain't no coward neither! Sweet sun 'n' moon. I'll do Dare next time."

Applejack chose Dare 7.8% of the time if neither Rarity nor Rainbow Dash was playing. If one was, it was 11%. If both were, it was 16%. Pinkie never said anything about this because Twilight would ask for more stats. Pinkie and Twilight had a complex friendship where they loved each other but did not love each other's big mouths.

"Lookin' forward to it," Dash retorted.

"Anyhow, c'mon, Pinkie, give me what ya got." Applejack challenged.

She would, thanks! She will show you the gitchy as heck thing she has got.

Concentrating, Pinkie reached for a card, and also [REDACTED]. This was a trade secret that can't be posted in print, except that it made a drumroll start. The girls jumped, except Luna, who tilted her head and examined her closely.

Too late! Pinkie had already slipped two cards into the deck. She was pretty sure she put them in the right spots because she had [REDACTED]. This was also a trade secret that can't be printed. She rubbed the card at the front, and acted like she was reading it with psychic powers. Haha! No! She had no idea what it said! Otherwise it'd be obvious she had rigged the deck. Duh.

She drew like she was swiping a credit card, except up. Pinkie was also legally barred from having a credit card. She held it really super high up like she was gonna let a lightning bolt hit it, but they were indoors so tubby chance. Because she had [REDACTED] - the first one, not the second, still a trade secret - confetti and streamers exploded out from the card box.

Twilight stared with her mouth open. "I don't understand how you get everything you touch to --"

"SILENCE!!!" Pinkie shrieked, and Twilight ducked into her pillow. Oops, she didn't mean to scare her. She would give her a nose honk and a lollipop later. Pinkie tilted up her head and took a posh accent. "The card, madams, shall now be read." Funny accents always made people laugh, that's the only reason Applejack stayed in the show for nine years. Then she took a deep inhale, puffing her face up like a frog. She was so gonna copy everybody's abilities.

Ten seconds passed. Nope, nothing copied. Darn, Princess Pinkie would've been a trip. The girls fidgeted and looked at each other.

She spat out her breath with a wheezing cough and instantly, very sincerely and calmly, asked: "What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you in public?"

Pinkie was able to do that because she had the second-bestest lungs. Only Fluttershy's were better, and she was a champ swimmer. Pinkie had just done another funny thing, where they think you'll be funny but you're not funny which actually makes it funny. A novice might not understand. She set the card at the back of the box and folded her hooves in front of her, patiently waiting.

Luna looked back at Applejack, who started sweating. Was it hot? Pinkie didn't think it was hot. If it was hot, Pinkie would know. She was the tubbiest one here. Remember when she thought tubby chance? The F-word is taboosies when Pinkie is in the room.

"Right, so, uh," Applejack started, and Pinkie got a muscle twitch in her left elbow. This was not the gitchy feeling - it was the Impending Applejack Moment feeling. That was when Applejack tried to get out of something without having to lie or break any promises. Under the circumstances, Pinkie swiftly concluded that Applejack would ask for a technical definition of the word "public".

Applejack cleared her throat. "C-can ya define --"

Pinkie cut her off at a million words a minute. "You were outside of any private residence and not on any property of Sweet Apple Acres and at least one creature who is normally able to talk and who was neither a member of your household nor one of the girls in this room nor Spike saw you and it was really, really, really, really embarrassing!"

"Aw horseapples," Applejack conceded, caught. She looked both ways and saw Rainbow Dash, who had totally changed from the humiliated and pathetic creature of yesterround. Yeppers, she was all sass now. Dashie was on her side, one hoof on her hip, grinning at Applejack like she was laying on her piano and about to sing about how she was too good for any stallion. Just needed the red dress. Oooh, and maybe put that glitter back on! It was all over the floor and somepony (or probably somedeer) would have a heck of a time cleaning it up.

"And just what are you smilin' about, missy," Applejack started - then her pupils shrank and her hooves went to her face like that one movie with the kid and the burglars. "Luna's beard y'all know what it is."

Luna's beard? Luna didn't have a beard. Luna was frowning and feeling at her chin, though. Was she considering growing a beard?

Rainbow Dash looked away with that little frowny mouth thing that usually meant somepony was being all facetious and stuff. "I might have been there, if it's the one I think..."

Applejack's face turned bright red. Like an apple! Haha, she's already one of those. She sighed. "The real kick in th' shin is th' rest of ya are gonna need me ta explain this..." She looked all around everywhere other than at the other girls, then closed her eyes and swallowed.

Pinkie couldn't wait to hear this!! It was probably really funny!!

"I... kinda... got caught... relievin' myself in th' middle o' town."

ERROR 403
PONY NOT AUTHORIZED TO ACCESS THIS FORM OF HUMOR
CRITICAL SHUTDOWN IMMINENT

We must forgive Pinkie Pie for abruptly terminating her colorful commentary. At this exact point in time, her unstoppable, hyperactive mind abruptly screeched to a halt, like a freight train hitting the brakes - so we must return to our standard narration. Fortunately, as she has told us herself, we are still privy to her thoughts and experiences, even if, thankfully, she is no longer quite able to hijack their recitation. (In respect for her we will withhold her "trade secrets", but we would like to know how she got into the studio.)

There were few things Pinkie Pie did not joke about. Few things Pinkie Pie did not talk about, at great length. Most of these were topics that were not suitable for foals, perhaps the tamest of these being alcohol. But most of all, Pinkie Pie, being an earth pony, knew very well how extremely unfunny it is when an earth pony in particular needs to go to the bathroom.

The Princess - who was technically one-third earth pony - seemed to understand as well, as she visibly paled at the revelation, her eagerness gone. Pinkie dimly, in the last vestiges of her long-questionable sanity, recognized that the Princess was desperate not to spoil the party and would undoubtedly stay quiet for the rest of the round.

By all means, a unicorn's magic and a pegasus's wings required a healthy intake of energy... but their bodies were light and efficient, and an average earth pony ate two to three times as much as an average pegasus. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were not average. Apple Bloom had once claimed that Pinkie alone consumed a tenth of Ponyville's crop output and Pinkie had believed her. In fact, she was still not quite sure about the truth of the matter. She could ask Applejack, but to be quite honest, Pinkie could not handle the truth.

Rainbow Dash, a petite little pegasus and historical light eater, did not seem to understand the issue. Even Fluttershy ("O-oh my..!!!") had the decency to blush and cover her face with her wings, in sympathy if nothing else. The quiet yellow mare kept dozens of animals in the home, after all. Out of all the pegasuseses in the world, she most of all shouldn't want to even think about this business once she thoroughly disinfected herself and stepped out of her door.

But Rainbow Dash clapped her hooves and made an incomprehensible noise something like "GA-HAWK!" This may have meant something lewd in some language, but in Ponish it meant nothing, though it was interpreted as delight.

"Oh not this story again!" Rarity protested in her unique mix of growling and whining. Rarity was a lady through and through, and Pinkie knew that Applejack had used her bathroom at least once. Rarity insisted now that Applejack "go" before coming over and never fed her while she was there.

Rainbow Dash went quiet and trembled. The reason became apparent swiftly in the final moments of Pinkie's consciousness. "Pffff... Pfffhaha, they saw her takin' a dump!" she announced, to ensure everyone was on the same page.

And so Pinkie, who had been quiet, wide-eyed, and scowling since she had left the position of narrator, rolled back her eyes and fainted. Fortunately, she was sitting on a pillow 1.5 times her size.

Her pillow smelled like flowers.

When she opened her eyes again, she was in a great spacious garden, and found she could not move. There were seven patches of bare, soft soil interrupting the field of green grass. She stood in the center of one; bizarre creatures stood upon each of the others, flailing their petals around and yelling.

"I-it ain't funny, Rhododendron!" a rafflesia shouted. She had a cowboy hat awkwardly balanced on her highest petal. Visible plumes of tawny smoke wafted from her entire form. Her big round green eyes narrowed; she was very embarrassed, but converting it all to mad. "Y'all were there, you were mortified too, 'n' heck, it were yer fault!"

"Whaaaat?!" the rhododendron next to her retorted, a leaf to her chest and her amethyst eyes wide in faux indignation. She was lots of colors. "Hoooow in Equeeestria was it myyy faaault?!"

Something cleared its throat. Turning her head to the right, Pinkie saw a petunia, the nerdiest flower she could produce. "F-forgive me, Raffleyuck, for being me and questioning a detail, but um." She waited a beat. "I distinctly recall that Stinkleaf Garden features an outhouse..."

Raffleyuck growled, and the petunia wilted. "It's the durnedest thing, we sure do, 'n' we had one then, but the whooper were all backed up 'n' Granny was messin' with it 'n' I thought I could wait!"

Pinkie turned to the rose on her left. She had purple petals and a white stem. The white stem was turning green.

Raffleyuck continued. "Just had ta run a few errands in town, thass all, my dumb self said! Thing'd be clear when I got back, if not, I'd just go in a bush!"

The rose started to gag. Across from her, a beautiful datura, black-and-blue, held her leaves to her face and looked unwell. Pinkie was surprised she knew what a datura was. Actually, she wasn't sure she knew what a datura was.

"'n' then more errands got put on top o' that 'n' then some," Raffleyuck rambled on. "Befer I could get m' bearin's th' day done up 'n' run away from me, and wouldn't ya know, I just had ta honk like Tirek!"

The rose's eyes bugged out. The datura blinked with an open mouth, processing that and looking pale.

"Now I didn't want ta bother nopony and go through all this explainin' to borrow their restroom, 'cause my insides were tellin' me naw, girl, this can't wait, 'n' they'd remember th' stink fer weeks!" Raffleyuck rationalized. "So's I thought I could go outdoors while ain't nopony around, 'n' just found a spot away from pryin' eyes, whole ton o' foliage, real stealthy-like. Yep, that's what I thought, and I woulda got away with it too."

The stink-flower shot a look at her technicolor neighbor. "But just who should show up ta bother me but our good friend Rhodo Awful-Timin' Dendron."

"I thought it was Danger," the petunia commented irrelevantly.

Rhododendron waved her off. "I have many middle names. That's why it's Rhododendron for short."

"That ain't the point ya goofs," Raffleyuck shut them down, "By any damn name she's th' only other flower in Petalburg half as loud as Clown Carnation!"

Pinkie looked all around, then switched her dream to the third-person camera so she could see herself. She was a carnation colored like a clownfish. One of her petals was colored in purple-and-black tiles with the word "ERROR" in red.

"Thanks to that, a good baker's dozen o' folks done showed up ta have a look-see... and I reckon they didn't see too much, but I was in a bush..." Raffleyuck looked down and got quieter. "How many sentences did it take ya ta figger it out, Dendron?"

Rhododendron, suddenly asked to think, took a moment to react. "I think three." She began to count her leaf blades. "it was 'Hey Raffleyuck... Somethin' wrong... What's that awful smell.' Yep, three."

Raffleyuck covered her face with her hat, blushing. The datura covered her face with her leaves.

"Now, you might be wondering how and why I just so happened to approach Raffleyuck at this critical moment," Rhododendron teased.

"Not really," The rose mumbled through an improvised hood made by tugging her petals around her face.

"I could go on about the Petalburg weather team and the town's 100th anniversary and how these two things related to the need for an authentic pre-Sunflower Rafflesia clan trebuchet..." Rhododendron began. "But basically I was gonna ask her a favor. Too bad that 1. I suddenly found myself indebted to her by, uh, compromising her discretion and 2. I wanted to get the heck out of there like immediately."

The petunia swallowed. "I um, I presume someone must have eventually, you know."

Raffleyuck tugged her hat down to stare over the brim. Rhododendron blinked at her, too.

The petunia pressed her lips together and mimed placing something into a doggy bag and zipping it. Raffleyuck went back behind the hat.

"Oh, yeah," Rhododendron said, and started to get the giggles again. "Th-th... They thought it was from a monster..!"

"They weren't wrong," Raffleyuck said, muffled by her hat.

"Right! Well." The petunia vanished into her soil, came back up next to Pinkie, and leaned over her. "That was a very exciting round, thank you two for sharing." She began gently rousing the Ponk awake.

Pinkie's heavy eyes opened, looking up at Twilight leaning over her, concerned. "... A... are we done talking about poop," Pinkie croaked.

"Yes, sweetheart." Twilight consoled her.

"Good," the candy pony said.

"Much obliged," the apple pony added.

"It was... most enlightening," the tall pony offered.

"Only flowers like poop," Pinkie mumbled.

"No one is perfect," Rarity said weakly.

"Can literally anyone else please take their turn?" Twilight lamented.

Ch. 5 :: The Sacrilege

The Princess must have realized that Applejack was directly to her right, as Luna seemed suddenly cowed. "Ah," she mused, "I-is it... Our turn?"

"Oh!" Rarity yipped. "And it must be my turn to ask! Gimme gimme gimme." If these cards were so innocent as Fluttershy attested, Rarity was eager to ask the Princess about her favorite snacks or her favorite way to relax. Whether Twilight levitated the cards over to her, or whether Rarity stole them, is forever a controversy. Rarity certainly wished to leave the previous round a faded memory as soon as possible, however.

"Your Majesty!" Rarity styled, then bowed low, half off her pillow. "If you shall permit me to be so bold... Truth or Dare?" She held the bow, awaiting an answer. It would not have been proper to rise until addressed.

None came for about ten seconds.

"Er... Your Majesty?" Rarity repeated, still holding her pose. "M-my back is starting to hurt." She'd always had problems with posture. She was used to a very different sitting position, and was obliged to get up and pace while fretting over design choices and precious stocks.

"Truth..." Luna replied nervously, and buried her face in her forelegs. Rarity pushed herself back into her pillow; she noticed the girls all sharing anxious looks. Twilight quietly floated a paper bag over to herself, tucking it under her in case she might have needed it for one reason or another. But Rarity saw it - she saw everything, usually, sometimes - and she was sure it would prove a needless precaution.

"Excellent! Very well," Rarity approved, and she drew the next card from the Truth deck. Her half-lidded eyes scanned across it, plush lips turned up in a smile.

Over the course of four re-reads, slowly, but inexorably, Rarity's smile dropped and her eyes widened in horror. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she gave thanks to some force or another for having such a lustrously white coat, for then it was not so clear when the color drained from her face. Even this vain thought was soon silenced; she had only the scrolling marquees of the card's contents to counterpoint the dots all over her vision.

"What's wrong, Rarity?" Applejack called, sincerely. Oblivious as she may have been to the social order, she was at least deeply concerned for Rarity's emotional welfare. That was sweet of her. She could be so callous sometimes, but she was really a stone for them all at others.

"I can't ask her this." Rarity droned emotionlessly. There was no panic. There was no drama. These were for uncertainties and fear; fear was of the unknown. But Rarity was 100% convinced of her statement. It was a fact. She could not ask the Princess this question. She couldn't ask any Princess this question. It didn't matter that she knew Luna's answer (YES)... or, well, she thought she did. She wouldn't ask any mare in the room this question, not even Rainbow Dash (NO). There was no doubt in her mind. She remembered what happened when she told Twilight (SUN AND MOON YES) she had birthing hips - which she did, mind you. Not only did Twilight glow a brighter red than she'd ever seen, but Fluttershy (SHE'D BETTER BE) and Pinkie (I'D RATHER NOT KNOW) were mortified and became very self-conscious, sinfully stacked as they were. Rainbow Dash was very hurt, as though she'd been considered inadequate by comparison. No, Rarity (IT'S COMPLICATED) would rather not do that to her friends ever again.

"Yuh-huuuuuuh!" Pinkie called out - a foghorn in the night. She'd apparently utterly forgotten the previous round. "You gotta ♪ read ♫ what's on ♪ the caaard! It's not your fault how weird it might be!"

Then the plump one growled. "It can't be as bad as the last one." Ah, so she hadn't forgotten at all. But the last question wasn't the problem. The last answer was. That was entirely because of Applejack (NO).

"Oh dear, i-is it a bad one?" Fluttershy warbled. "I didn't check every card myself, I, I didn't want to spoil anything..." Rarity knew if Fluttershy had checked these cards she would have taken this one out, no question. She wouldn't ever have mentioned it, either.

Rarity considered distracting everyone and trying to swap for another card. She couldn't do that with magic - Twilight and the Princess would feel it and call her out immediately. She wasn't able to just vote to dismiss the card, because the Princess would need to agree to dismiss it, which meant she would need to see the card.

"Ahem..." The Princess was fidgeting bashfully. "M-Miss Rarity, please, do not keep Us waiting..."

Rarity closed her eyes and held the card to her chest. She imagined rivers running quietly. A nice lake. Luna holding Rarity's head under the water's surface by hoof. Really, it would be an honor to be killed by a Princess in such a personal and intimate way. Luna would surely have the finest undertakers style her mane and return glow to her face. Very well, if she was to die here, she would die among friends. So be it.

"If you insist, Your Majesty," Rarity said. It was completely unlike her to be so serene; the other Element-Bearers stiffened in apprehension, exchanging glances.

Rarity cleared her throat. She slowly breathed in, to steady her heartbeat. She would be remembered as facing her death with the same poise and grace as she faced her life. Or... hopefully much more than that, since she was known to overreact a teensy bit...

"Are you a virgin?" she asked as casually as she could.

"... oh shit..." Rainbow Dash muttered under her breath. Rarity wished she had chosen more poignant last words, but then, her own weren't much better.

The room was stiff, cold, and utterly silent. No one moved.

Luna stared down her nose at Rarity with wide, scandalized eyes, the terrifying visage soothed only by the fact that her posture on the pillow, and the distance, diminished the height difference. She did not move a muscle, not even that cute little wing tremble Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash had when they were shocked into silence - as indeed they were right now.

Ah, a nice final thought, Rarity considered. My last moments shall be spent admiring how beautiful and adorable my precious friends are, as it should be. We won't even have to get old and ugly.

Luna blinked, her eyes darting side to side, slowly developing a deep scowl.

Sweetie Belle might even throw a party when I'm gone, Rarity thought. Equal parts celebration and mourning. Maybe she'll forget all about me once she finds I've left her my business, my home, and my cat.

Luna looked down and started to shake. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy prepped their wings to take off. Twilight clutched at her heart.

Sweetie Belle, you are Rarity now, she thought, closing her eyes. May your beauty and grace outshine my own.

"NOOO!!!" Luna cried, and burst into tears.

Rarity opened her eyes, batting her lashes in confusion. She saw two mares flitter back down from the ceiling like fairies and three more gingerly poke their heads out from underneath their pillows. Twilight was breathing slowly into her bag.

Princess Luna was absolutely bawling, sobbing openly into her pillow. Rarity recognized this immediately. The Ugly Cry, she thought to herself in pity.

Luna looked up, her mascara running horrifically. "I-I thought we had something special! B-but it 'twere a one night stand and he didn't love meeeeeee..." she buried her face in her forelegs and wailed. Twilight began breathing into her bag much more rapidly.

Rarity set her jaw, changing in an instant. In that wail, she first heard herself, but angrily dismissed it. She refused to think of herself now.

She thought of Rainbow Dash - the invincible, unbreakable Hero of Loyalty who chose Rarity to reveal her broken heart to, fearing that Applejack would have hunted down the colt who dumped her and ground him into dust. Rarity wanted to do that too, of course, but Applejack was capable of it.

She thought of Twilight - the humble, second-guessing, sometimes self-loathing bookworm who had confided a crush of hers to Rarity but refused to admit it to her muse, convinced that she wasn't good enough for anyone despite all evidence to the contrary.

She thought of Fluttershy - the sweet soul who had never hurt anyone and had never asked to be so unbelievably blessed, whose only experience with boys was when Gilda of all creatures had protected her from a few colts in flight school who couldn't take no for an answer.

One of the possible reasons that Rarity and Fluttershy had always gotten along so well was because, as Twilight had mentioned to them on a few occasions, their Elements overlapped substantially. And so, like Fluttershy might have if she'd hesitated, Rarity leapt up, rushed to the Princess's side, and hugged her. "Oh my goodness, you poor thing. What vile wretch would play with a girl's heart like that!"

"Who'd dare -- a Princess -- desecration -- fudge," Twilight stammered, struggling to steady her breathing rate.

Rarity cooed and clucked over Luna, holding her and gently stroking her hair. "Does your sister know about this?"

"N-no! Do not tell her!" Luna yelped. "She, she'll just laugh like she laughs at everything else!"

Rarity gasped. "My word! Surely Princess Celestia would never dismiss her own sister's feelings over something so important to her! What heartless mare would do such a thing?" She looked up and wrinkled her nose. "... Does anyone else smell smoke..? Hmm." She shook her head and continued. "If anything, we shouldn't tell your sister because we don't need an angry Princess rampaging around Equestria demanding someone to levy justice unto!"

Luna blinked through the tears. "T-Tia does that too?"

"Eh-heh," Rarity laughed awkwardly, "I... I believe she would be furious to know someone had done this to you! When did this happen?"

Luna looked all around and mumbled something about a lot of moons ago.

"Was it another immortal figure?"

Luna nodded.

Rarity almost felt like throwing up again, but had to clarify a possibility. "... Was it Discord?"

Pinkie fainted again. Fluttershy looked like she was considering it.

But Luna merely shook her head. "N-no, 'twas a different relationship."

"... a different..?"

Luna swallowed. "Discord was a different relationship. Discord dated me to try to make Tia jealous. We did not have sex."

And there she went - Fluttershy was out too.

"I would very much prefer not to name the person I... slept with," Luna asked sheepishly.

"Oh, I'm sure we can all respect that," Rarity soothed, and everyone still conscious quickly followed with nodding. In her mind, Rarity was already plotting out how to uncover this juicy information. "... but did you say Discord was interested in your sister?" she confirmed.

Luna nodded. "It would be best not to mention it to either of them. They rather detest each other now. It... may have been a factor in the turning-him-to-stone business."

A chorus of "ah" resounded.

"Well! Your Majesty," Rarity announced, "I believe I can speak for everyone when I say we absolutely sympathize with you and are deeply touched that you were willing to share something so personal with us! Isn't that right, girls?"

Another series of anxious nods.

"Yuh-huh," Pinkie said, now awake and, having stumbled across the room, poking Fluttershy to rouse her as well.

"Yup," Fluttershy added, rubbing her temples with her wings.

"Then I vote we end the Princess's turn!" Rarity moved, and Luna nodded, smiling bashfully.

"That sounds like a good idea to me!" Twilight called, seizing the card Rarity had read and burning it with a thought, smiling from ear to ear.

Everyone turned with a start at the sound of a tiger-like growl. "I am going to have so many words with Discord he can't even begin to make them all fall out of my dialogue box!" Fluttershy promised.

From experience, each and every pony there knew this was a great many words indeed.

A blonde-haired, grey pegasus landed elegantly in front of her destination, joining a crowd of ponies staring at the spectacle and babbling to one another. Her eyes boggled every which way and her mouth opened in a little "o". She blinked a few times before she remembered to dig around in her mailbags.

"Excoose me," she said, "I has a package to delivers -- excoose me! Yous not listening to me." She sighed. "I bets you peeps don't even notice the house is on fires."

In front of the smoldering wreckage of what may have once been a two-story villa, three uncomfortably familiar fillies stood, with doctors still looking them over. Two scowled down at the ground. One made a scrunchy face with her eyes rolled up at the sky.

The red-haired yellow one spoke first. "Gyat-dingus-dangit Sweetie Belle, you cast that Rarity charm aginn, didn't ya?!"

The ice cream-looking unicorn clicked her front heels together, like she might escape from Oz. "What Rarity charm?" Sweetie Belle asked with a big grimace as Apple Bloom scowled at her blackened horn.

The peanut-butter-jelly pegasus curled her wings up like fists and began to growl nigh-unintelligibly. "Den trine hoffal end oss!" she slurred, then took several deep breaths as her friends, and the surrounding doctors, stared at her in horror.

"It's normal for her," Sweetie told them casually. "Selective apraxia of speech, worsened by stress." They nodded, making 'aah' sounds of recognition.

"Don't try 'n' have a lend of us!" Scootaloo hissed, trying again. "You know what chyem! That one that's supposed to glow when Rarity says something hypocritical, and it gets brighter depending on how hypocritical it is!"

"Oh right, that one," Sweetie said, fake-laughing. "O-okay so maybe I did. Maybe I keep count of every hypocritical thing she ever says. Maybe I cast the charm every time she leaves my sight."

There was a pause.

"This time my horn caught fire," Sweetie continued.

"Ya don't say!" Apple Bloom gasped. "Gosh, I hadn't noticed! Sure hope ya didn't set nothin' else on fire!"

"Ma n pa gonbem adazzer catsnike!" Scoots roared. "My folks're gonna put me on the barbie!"

"Barbie's Mattel, Scoots," Sweetie condemned. "We failed to buy them last time, but we'll get it next time."

"This's why I don't never invite you girls over!" Apple Bloom squeaked, stamping her mad little hooves and making mad little cracks in the earth, "My house?! Wood! Scoots's house?! Formerly wood! At least Rarity's house is fireproof!"

"It is?" Scoots doubted.

"Still standin', ain't it?" Apple Bloom rolled her eyes.

Sweetie Belle blushed with a grimace and clicked her heels a few more times.

Author's Note

Dear Mr. Shutter,

As an institution of learning, which includes history and culture, we understand and respect your dialect and language, and encourage the continued use of your most comfortable form of speaking at home with your daughter, Scootaloo.

However, we have noticed that, when you are not abroad from home on business, Scootaloo's language in the school environment rapidly becomes incomprehensible to her teacher and fellow classmates, and ask for your cooperation in helping Scootaloo to communicate herself clearly to her peers.

Thank you,
~Cheerilee

Ch. 6 :: The Silence

Discord had gone too far this time. As soon as they made it back home, she was going to give him a stern talking-to. She didn't care if it happened hundreds of years before she was born. Fluttershy was going to demand an explanation for Discord's indecent behavior!

Twilight slammed a hoof down onto the floor. "Fluttershy!" she hollered.

"Meep!" the yellow pegasus squeaked, and her outrage from the previous round's revelations was gone. What did she do? Was her face too angry? Was she thinking too loud? She stared at Twilight from under a wing. That was what wings were best for. She wasn't much of a flier, but she was a peerless hider. They were also pretty good for swimming, too.

"Our turn! Our turn!" Twilight wiggled on her pillow. "Ask me! Come-on-come-on-come-on." She clapped her hooves together impatiently. She grabbed the cards with her magic, brought them over to herself, then seized them by hoof and slid them across the ground, bumping into Fluttershy's pillow.

"O-oh, yes, of course, s-sorry..." Fluttershy mumbled, staring down at the cards. She was sure Twilight would want a Truth card, and would find some way to make it about facts. Facts were truths, after all. Right? Still, it wouldn't be polite to presume. When you presume, you put pressure on you and me.

She gave a little lady cough. "U-um, Twilight, would you prefer --"

"DARE!!!" Twilight roared.

"Aiie!" Fluttershy cried. She didn't want to be unappreciative, but she wished her friends weren't quite so volatile. She was always confused by whether they were really happy or really angry. Especially with Rarity, you couldn't always tell. Fluttershy liked to think she could read ponies very well, but they were so much more confusing than animals. Animals had simple desires and usually expressed them very clearly. There was nothing simple about a pony... and as Applejack had demonstrated, even their basic biological needs were so much more stressful. Fluttershy would much rather clean up after dozens of animals than after one Applejack.

She knew Twilight sometimes spoke before she thought and wanted to give her a chance to correct herself. Twilight hated being corrected, but she hated not being corrected even more. "... Um... Are you sure?"

"Whattya mean am I sure?!" Twilight puffed. Fluttershy would really appreciate if she stopped screaming. "I'm from the block. C'mon, dare me! I dare you to dare me!"

"What block's she from?" Dash asked. She spoke nice and calmly. Normally it was the other way around, and she was the yelling one and Twilight was the calm one.

"Th' ones foals use ta learn them some letters," Applejack answered with a smirk.

Fluttershy had already quietly drawn the card and looked it over without fanfare. She didn't like to cause a fuss. "I don't understand this card," she admitted, looking bashfully around over the top of the card in question. "It says, 'I dare you to stay completely quiet for one minute'. But even Pinkie Pie's been quiet for over a minute tonight..."

"I was unconscious," Pinkie deadpanned. "Twice."

"Oooh." Fluttershy said. "That's a very clever way to do it." And she sincerely meant that. If Fluttershy was a shirt, she would read: You say bimbo like it's a bad thing.

She fished around in the box for a timer. "Oh, here it is. Okay, the timer starts..." Her heartrate rose a bit when she realized she wasn't sure how to start it. She fumbled with it rapidly, hoping to figure it out before anyone said anything. Eventually, it finally beeped, and the numbers started going. "Now?" she said uncertainly.

Twilight bit her lip. Fluttershy was sure she thought that look on her face was serious. It reminded her of the first time Rainbow Dash had ever tried a lemon. (She'd tried to eat a whole one in one bite.)

Fluttershy, to whom discouraging another pony was a foreign concept, was about to be horrendously confused.

"She finna lose," Rainbow Dash spat in a strange tone that most of her friends had probably never heard. Fluttershy's ears perked up and she flashed back to a time long past. Was... Rainbow Dash using her Rainbow Dagger voice? ... Why? She usually pretends that never happened.

"Maht kooooood," Applejack retorted in a heavily exaggerated version of her normal drawl. Applejack hated when her accent was mocked. Why was she making fun of herself? This was very strange.

"We could provoke her thick ass..." Rainbow Dash suggested. Fluttershy blushed at the candid statement. Rainbow Dagger had been very flirtatious in speech, even if she was just as shy in love as normal Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy looked to the Princess in worry. Luna was staring at the foul-mouthed duo like they were aliens. "Are... you two alright..?" Oh dear. If the Princess dissociated too badly, she might even excuse herself.

Dash looked at Luna with a wink and spoke a bit louder. "... buuuut she 'bout to pipe up irregardless." Fluttershy couldn't believe her language tonight! Dash then jerked her head towards Twilight, and Luna looked over.

Twilight's eye was twitching. The Princess stared at her with her mouth slightly open, and blinked a few times. Then, suddenly, she gasped. "Oh!!" The Princess said, and tossed her mane. It was a good thing she understood what was going on, because Fluttershy absolutely did not.

She tensed when she heard Rarity talking. "So liiiike," the high-class unicorn droned, somehow having found bubble gum to chew while talking, "do you guuuuys want some wateerrrr? 'cause like, I brang water..." She hadn't talked like that since Fluttershy had moved to Ponyville. Twilight glanced at her several times, red-faced and sweating.

"Ee-it's hawter thun a pegasus's ass in a peppah payetch in heah, pitch me summa thayems," Applejack crooned slowly. Fluttershy hid her face. She wished everyone would stop talking about behinds.

"FORSOOTH!" Luna shouted, tossing a wing upwards. "We wouldeth liketh thine watereth, Rarity!!" Oh no, whatever it was had infected the Princess too. Fluttershy hoped they weren't sick. Was she going to get sick, too?

"Yo throat dry?" Dash queried. "I'm axin' 'cause mines is jacked up." Back then, she'd picked this kind of talk up from Gilda. Gilda was nice now, and really embarrassed when her past was brought up. She'd called herself the Big Boss B-word. She even... said the actual word! It was unthinkable.

"Mine throat is driereth than the Ghastly Gorge," Luna announced, then paused. "... whiiich... 'twas carvedeth by Rockhoof... errr... a mere hundredeth moons ago!"

Fluttershy jumped at the sound of Twilight on all fours, smacking the floor with one hoof. That's what Pinkie looked like when she tried to sample a rainbow at the Cloudsdale factory. Looking down at the timer, Fluttershy saw that the minute was nearly over. Thank goodness, maybe they would explain.

But then Pinkie Pie cleared her throat. "Didja know there's no water in Saddle Arabia?" she chirped brightly. Then she added dismissively, "They never invented it."

Pinkie Pie, you know that isn't true, Fluttershy thought to herself.

Twilight slowly turned to stare at Pinkie, eyes bugging out.

"Wooooow, literally?" Rarity asked. "Where'd you learn that, grrl?"

"Oh!" Pinkie hopped on the spot and pointed at Twilight. "Twilight taught me!"

"AAAAAAAARGH!" Twilight roared and jumped up out of her pillow. "I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT!!!"

Fluttershy stopped the timer, then curled defensively into her pillow, eyes shooting back and forth at the madmares around her. They were all pointing at Twilight with a smile. "Gotcha!" they all yelled.

For the second time in 24 hours, Rainbow Dash yelped and jumped back as Twilight's face rocketed to a few inches in front of hers. "'Finna' is not a word! What even is that!!" the angry scholar demanded. "'Regardless' is already a negative! 'Mine' does not have an 's'! And what the heck do 'axin' and 'jacked up' mean?!"

"G-geez," Rainbow Dash called from somewhere in the sunken depths of her pillow. Twilight had seemed very similar to their old teacher just now. Rainbow Dash must have had a subconscious fear.

Twilight took a single hop to the right to go nose-to-nose with Applejack, who simply smiled back at her. "'Might could' is redundant and 'them' is already a plural!" she continued.

She spun around to approach Rarity, who leaned back. "'Like' and 'literally' are superfluous NOTHING-words! 'Guys' is not an acceptable address for an all-female group! And the past tense of 'bring' is 'brought'!"

"Meep," is all Rarity offered to counter.

Twilight stepped over to the Princess and gave a perfect bow. "Your Majesty..."

And then... she started yelling at her! "Old Ponish is not simply shoving 'eth' at the end of random! Words! And you should know that the Ghastly Gorge was originally the Ghastly Caverns, because they are older than you!"

Luna just looked up at her with her neutral pout. Fluttershy was sure she would have leapt up to yell back. Luna was much louder, and won most arguments easily that way. But... she seemed to take it in stride.

Twilight rushed to Pinkie Pie and jabbed a hoof at her. "You are... are simply full of it!!!"

"Yeah~ I know~" Pinkie giggled. Pinkie was being a very bad girl and Fluttershy did not care for her attitude.

"Wait," Rainbow Dash managed as she swam back out of her pillow, "What about --"

"AND!!" Twilight spat, sending Rainbow Dash yelping back into the plush ocean, "And you... Rainbow Dash... don't even want to get..." She wiggled her economy-sized hips. "This booty... STAAARTEEED!!!" She must have been furious. She only wiggled her behind when she was really mad.

Twilight collapsed as Rarity levitated a water bottle over to her. "Thank you for the water." Twilight panted.

"I, erm," Rarity stammered, "I brought so many of these suspecting something like this might happen..."

"Thank you for your proper grammar." Twilight wheezed.

"I..." Fluttershy trembled. "I didn't know Twilight liked to talk so much..!" She looked all 'round.

"Really." Dash returned. "Where've you been." To be fair, Fluttershy was being very polite with that one.

Seeing that the wicked spell over everyone had vanished, Fluttershy sighed and decided to stick her neck out. She had obviously missed something very important and was about to embarrass herself. "Why did everyone start saying all of those strange things?" Fluttershy questioned.

"Why Fluttershy!" Rarity gently admonished. "We dared her not to talk, and then tried to get her to talk. You see?"

"Good job," Twilight moaned, face down in her pillow.

Fluttershy supposed that was a good wording of what had just happened. She blinked. "I... I didn't realize we were supposed to stop someone from doing a Dare..."

"... Well," Applejack considered, "When ya say it like that, it does sound purdy stupid."

"Pretty." Twilight said into her pillow.

"Now what you a dangum minute you ain't been said nothin' 'bout my talkery in a month o' Sundays and suddenly come yer turn it's an issue?!" Applejack spat out in a single breath.

There was a pause.

"Applejack, I love you," Twilight groaned wearily, and Applejack's eyes softened. "But sometimes you say things like whatever that was, and I just give up."

Fluttershy sympathized completely. As far back as Rainbow Dagger, Fluttershy had spent most of her life giving up on understanding what was happening around her.

Ch. 7 :: The Horror

Rainbow Dash insisted on a bathroom break.

She'd already handled her business before the game started, but she wanted to make sure every gut was empty before the next round. Fortunately, Twilight had Twilighted herself half to death; everypony just presumed she wanted to give Twilight a rest but was too proud to say so, and easily went with it. (And maybe Twilight's health was part of it, sure.)

Five minutes in, of course it started raining. Luna's nose wrinkled. "I'm sorry," she offered. "At the time I invited you, tonight was scheduled to be clear. The very next day, the bureau scheduled a storm over Canterlot." She sighed out of her nose. "Damned Fancy Pants, I'm certain. I've no idea what anypony needs a storm for exactly tonight, but I will have his head if any air traffic incidents occur."

Rarity had been in the bathroom the last time Luna talked crap about Fancy Pants, so her eyes went wide. The prissy chick laughed nervously and smiled. "O-oh yes, the weather in Ponyville can be quite whimsical as well! Can't it, Rainbow Dash?"

She nodded with a scowl. Rainbow Dash was more familiar with weather bureaucracy than she'd like to be. To keep Equestria from turning into a desert, there had to be a certain amount of rainfall in a given period of time. To prevent a meteoric meltdown, like the Great Cloudsdale Fire sixty years ago, they had to let some thunderclouds out now and again. Depending on which days ponies needed to do what work, especially if it was construction or something else weather-sensitive, they had to scoot and skedaddle the storms around. So, basically, any petty thing, with enough whining and demanding, could force the weather bureau to reschedule the weather for the month. The Princess seemed to think that Fancy Pants was related. Dash had no idea what Fancy Pants actually did for a living, but he sure showed up a lot in Canterlot. She'd seen him talking with Spitfire now and again too... maybe he just made deals with the right people. A you scratch my wings I'll scratch yours kinda guy. Spitfire hated those kinds of guys.

Dash realized they were expecting her to say something, and racked her brain for what was an appropriate way to express all this to the Princess. "We rescheduled the weather because of a cat stuck in a tree once," she said. Luna smiled and seemed okay with that answer.

They turned their heads at the sound of the bathroom door opening, and Pinkie slowly walked out. Dash's jaw dropped. She was radiant and ethereal, almost like a Princess herself. She strode elegantly to her pillow and smoothly flowed onto it. She stretched out one foreleg and began to stroke part of the pillow the way villains stroked their cats in those old spy flicks. Dash knew exactly why she was so comfortable and she didn't like it one bit.

Pinkie was the last one out of the bathroom, so Dash excused herself. Rarity pouted, which meant she must have said something rude, but she had no idea what it was so whatever. "Forgive me, Princess, but it seems we're resuming presently," Rarity said, and Luna nodded as she went back across to her pillow.

Rainbow Dash gently poked Twilight before heading back to her seat. "Shuffle the cards for us real quick, Twi," she requested. "Both decks. Don't mix 'em, of course." Twilight raised an eyebrow, looked around, got nods from everyone else - including a slow, smug one from Pinkie - and levitated the cards over to herself.

Dash attempted to ooze onto her pillow like Pinkie had and promptly vanished into the darkness, with only the flutter of shuffling cards for company. Celestia's tits, she thought to herself, and then realized what a good thing it was she did not say that aloud this time. By the time she fished herself out and hung off the pillow like a drowning mare clinging to an inner tube, Twilight was setting the shuffled cards down in front of her.

"How many shuffles was that, Twi?" Dash asked.

"Twenty," Twilight told her. "I removed the cards drawn this game and replaced them at the back of the deck, of course. If you'd like, I can count the cards and estimate how many shuffles are needed --"

"No, it's cool," Dash cut her off quickly. She looked seriously around at her companions. "I need everyone to understand a few things before we continue," she said unexpectedly.

The others looked at her, tilting their heads. Pinkie raised her chin imperiously.

"Twilight has just shuffled the decks." Rainbow Dash continued. "You understand? They were just shuffled by the one pony in this room who would never spite the rules of the game, or the natural order of the world we live in. Is everyone rested? Is everyone sitting down?"

She furrowed her brows. "Because this is Pinkie's turn."

Rainbow Dash's uncharacteristic seriousness caused most of her companions to wriggle uncomfortably. Luna, however, only smiled. Dash could see her wings twitching and smiled a bit herself; that was a sign of excitement mostly in foals.

"Applejack," Dash addressed her neighbor, "Are you ready to save me if things go south?"

Applejack laughed and shook her head. "No guarantees, sugarcube, it'll be every mare fer herself."

"Fair." Dash nodded. She looked around at the group, then down, then breathed in and sighed, then looked at the pink goddess of doom. "Alright, Pinkie. Which is it?"

Pinkie leaned forward, her hooves folded together like she was running a scheme. "Let's give the Princess a treat," she said. "Truth."

She'd been afraid of that.

Luna leaned forward also, in a very similar posture, ignoring the shudders around her.

"Why'd I ask." Dash trembled. "Alright, everypony. It was nice knowin' you. I'm bitin' the bolt." And she slowly, gingerly, drew her card.

"What's the girliest thing you've ever seen -- ever seen me, Rainbow Dash, ever do?! Aagh!" Dash threw the card and flailed her hooves.

Rarity caught it unceremoniously and looked it over critically. "Indeed." she droned in a monotone. "It says 'me, Rainbow Dash' on it. It has her name. Amazing." She passed it to Twilight for verification and rolled her eyes.

Rainbow Dash thought that Rarity could go screw herself. Pinkie just forced a card through a Twilight Shuffle; she thought that was pretty fucking impressive. Pinkie may as well have put her own name, it was such an obvious plant, so she was probably really proud of... whatever she did to get it there.

Twilight must have been impressed too, as she scowled back and forth between the card she was holding and the ones in the box. She checked both sides, felt all around it, and even licked it, making a face like a cat about to sneeze.

"Golly," Pinkie said innocently, "That's oddly specific. How weird that Rainbow Dash drew that card when Twilight just shuffled the deck. A-hmmm."

"I move to withdraw this question," Dash huffed, "Because it's my truth and not her truth." Impressive as the force was, she was disappointed in the content. How was this a treat for the Princess?

"I agree," Twilight said. "I mean, I'm... I'm absolutely flummoxed that you somehow forced this card, but --"

"Dashie," Pinkie crooned, and the pegasus's blood ran cold. She knew Pinkie's earlier tricks by name - the Funny Accent, the Funny Not-Funniness. She now recognized this one too.

Pinkie shook her head and confirmed Dash's fears. "That's obviously a doctored card. Dismiss it."

That's the only reason Pinkie would have forced such an obviously fake card; it wasn't the card she was using. Dash was the victim of the Fake Reveal. This card was just the announcement - the harbinger of the end times to come. She looked down at the deck, knowing the card in front, the next one to be drawn, was the true weapon. Her wings crushed tight against her body in Iron Defense position. If she was holding a cake in there, Celestia couldn't get to it.

Everyone was silent. The rain had grown more heavy, and Dash could hear the sound of thunder brewing. The only other sound was everyone's heartbeats; or was that just hers? Rarity had gotten a bit tipsy once and poetically slurred something about all of their hearts beating in unison or some bullshit.

Pinkie couldn't possibly have predicted (or caused) the storm that wasn't even scheduled yet, and known how long it would have taken to get to her turn to line it up with the storm starting, and forced two cards through a Twilight Shuffle Times Twenty, could she? If she did, she should be on the weather team. Somewhere in the cosmos there was probably a Chaosquestria ruled by Discord and Pinkie.

Dash resolved never to play poker against Pinkie ever again. (Even if Pinkie only played when no money was on the table.)

"Draw the next one, please," the bubblegum demon said sweetly.

Dash looked at the others. They nodded solemnly. The room began to dim, the lightbulbs flickering, but Luna looked between Pinkie and the windows outside, and she only brightened.

But Rainbow Dash was now Rainbow Danger Awful-Timin' Total Wuss Dash. She'd been scared just to have her name show up on a card.

She put her hoof on the next card.

She was so fucked.

Dash inhaled slowly, sighed, and drew the next card. Gingerly, she forced her eyes onto it.

The first thing she felt was sheer terror. The second was that damn sappy feeling. This question was at once enormously frightening, but at the same time, the sweetest card Pinkie could have possibly picked. Her heart told her that these two feelings did not go together and if she did not kick herself out of this mental state she was about to pass out.

"... Guh," Rainbow Dash said, glancing towards Luna, whose tail was swishing with anticipation.

"... 'Guh'?" Twilight repeated. "Thaaat can't be the card..?"

"The card says," Dash restarted, glaring at Twilight, and then she shivered.

"What's the worst nightmare you've ever had?"

There was a bright flash, and a crash of thunder; everyone jumped, except Luna. She was clapping her hooves, which was.. probably unrelated to the timing of the thunder. Dash had definitely never seen her so outwardly happy before... she was like a big, star-spangled filly. She put her head on her forehooves and craned forward, wiggling her back legs behind her. She'd seen girls at their own birthday parties less delighted than Luna right now.

"How could you!" Pinkie Pie decried. "That is such a cruel question to ask of a poor, sweet filly who's had nightmares since before Luna came back, eeergo, she might not know about them all!"

Luna nodded rapidly. Twilight mouthed "ergo" to no one in particular.

The lightning flashed again, and then the room went pitch black. Someone squealed over the crash of thunder.

"Fluttershy, darling! It was just the storm," Rarity cooed. "It must have taken the lights out! You... don't need to cling to me. Or, maybe you do, I don't mind."

A light turned on from beneath Pinkie's pillow. It half-lit her from below, making her look tall, gaunt, and spooky. "I was all alone in the dark." She hissed.

"Oh no," Fluttershy opined.

"Oh wonderful!" Luna whispered.

"I knew not space or time!" Pinkie bellowed theatrically. "It was one of those weird dreams where all your memories go poof! You become a totally different pony who thinks it's normal that your mom's a corn dog and your brother is Grogar in a zoot suit!"

"Dream dissociation, happens more often than not," Luna breathed. She wasn't even blinking. She was just staring with wide, attentive eyes. Dash remembered when Luna had caught her "dissociating" as a voluptuous cow of a mare prancing in a field and hoped Luna had forgotten.

"So I wandered the blackness." Pinkie continued, walking in place on her pillow. "I was afraid. I was petrified! I didn't have my sweetest and dearest friends at my side. I called out: 'Star Shower! Spinach Dip! Where are you?!'"

Twilight's brows furrowed. "Who the heck are --"

"MEMORY-POOF!!!" Pinkie shrieked at her, then coughed. "I heard Spinach Dip's voice, somewhere in the endless abyss." She cleared her throat. "'Haaayelp us, Churry-Chawnguh! Haaaayelp us!'" She coughed. "But her voice was weird! Like she had a whole buncha blecchhh in her throat!"

"That's just yer attempt at my accent," Applejack protested.

"Spinach Dip, shush." Pinkie retorted. "So I followed their voices through the cold. There was no floor beneath me! No sky above me! My little sugar-coated heart was beating in my ears! I couldn't tell up from down. I was dizzy with terror! I thought I heard hoofsteps just in front of me. Something was... deathly wrong..."

Luna wriggled in her seat, her eyes bright and sparkling.

"AND-THEN-BLEAAARRGHHHH!!" Pinkie cried abruptly, and suddenly she was an enormous face - a clown face, full of sharp teeth, with three distinct freckles on each cheek, and a large sombrero.

Everyone screamed, except Luna. "OH SWEET SUN AND MOON..." Fluttershy cried out in horror - and then Dash noticed Luna looking in surprise at her right wing, and the long pink tail sticking out from beneath. Her lip trembling, Luna tugged the poor shuddering girl closer and leaned into her with a smile, her eyes watering. Pinkie was a mad genius.

"Spinach Dip was a DEMON!!" Pinkie hollered,. "But-not-just-any-demon! No... Sheeee waaas aaa HONK-DEMON!!"

"She was a clown," Twilight pointed out.

"THOSE-ARE-THE-WORST-DEMONS!" Pinkie cried.

"Th-they r-r-r-really a-a-a-aaarree..." Fluttershy sobbed from under Luna's wing. Luna gently cradled her. Dash hoped that this wasn't affecting Fluttershy too badly... The girls had learned that Fluttershy actually liked to be scared, but not too scared. Dash wasn't sure how to tell which one she was.

"But then... I heard the others." Pinkie continued in her spookiest voice. With each step she took upon her stage, a clown honk caused Fluttershy to jump a bit under Luna's wing. "Like Star Shower..." And she pinched her nose. "'Nyeeh, Cherry-Changa, there's no such word as 'okefenokee'..." She let go. "But gurgling! Like she was drowning!"

Dash struggled not to burst into laughter as she vaguely saw Twilight's pout. "If my voice was that nasally, I'd drown me too," Twilight said.

"Don't go near water, dear," Rarity teased with a smile. Twilight pouted harder at her.

"And then Primrose spoke!" Pinkie lounged on her pillow, as sensually as possible. "'Oh daaaarling, let us make you beaautiful like us~'" Then she leapt up. "BUT SHE WAS DEFINITELY USING AUTOTUNE!"

"How insulting!" Rarity whined. "I am neither that sultry nor do I need autotune!"

"If I strained my ears, I could hear Chemtrail!" Pinkie adjusted her larynx and tried to get even higher-pitched than she normally was. "'So like WOW I am SO COOL as a mutated honk-demon-monster-clown!'"

Dash's face and wings started to itch. She hoped she wasn't glowing in the dark. "I am not that squeaky," she asserted with forelegs crossed.

"Mm-hmm," she heard Applejack mocking her.

"And even sweet little Yellowjacket... " And Pinkie shifted to a far gentler voice. "'Oh my, Cherry, did we leave you all alone? I'm sorry...'"

"Th-that is actually a v-v-very good impression o-o-f m-meeee..." Fluttershy wailed. The girls were always impressed with Pinkie's Fluttershy voice - she could even fool Discord. Heck, when Fluttershy was really excited, she sounded like Pinkie sometimes.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash shared an embarrassed look. Ponies used to have trouble telling their voices apart too, especially when they were younger. No amount of "but she has an accent" seemed to matter. Unfortunately, the main reason that ponies could tell them apart now is Applejack's voice got deeper and... Dash's didn't.

"They all came after me!" Pinkie continued. "Flooding out of the darkness! Pursuing! Chasing! Honking! Like a pack of angry geese! ... or just geese, honestly!" Luna beamed. "I turned and I wanted to run, but I couldn't move..." Pinkie wailed like a ghost.

"Oh yes, sleep paralysis," Luna mumbled quietly, "Extremely common, very frightening experience, unfortunately attracts Shadowlings..." Is that what those things were?! Dash was going to have to talk to Twilight and Zecora about never suffering sleep paralysis again, it was terrifying.

"I knew the only way to save my friends was with my zombiephone!" Pinkie claimed.

"Zombie-whaaa?" Twilight asked.

"It's-like-a-xylophone-except-it-makes-your-friends-not-zombies," Pinkie droned, waving a hoof dismissively. "Anyway..." She hopped up to full height. "I tried to summon my zombiephone, but my body... just... didn't move!! I was heavy, and weak, and stiff... I couldn't even call out: Zombie! Zombie! Zombie... PHONE! UWAAAAH!"

"Cryin' shame," Applejack jabbed.

"And then! And then... he showed up..." Pinkie waved her hoof as though opening a cupboard and finding a rat.

"My word! Who?!" Rarity asked.

"FUTON!!!" Pinkie shrieked.

"I love futons!" Rarity retorted. Her friends already knew this, as at least once a week they each had to remove one of her fainting couches from whatever room in the house she'd left it in. They had no idea where she stored them all (other than in their houses.) Dash lived in a cloud, she didn't even know how Rarity lugged it up there.

"Not this Futon!" Pinkie declared. "He was a --" She blinked a few times and started tapping the air to count. "Dragon-zombie-honk-demon!" She scratched her chin. "Did I miss one?" She mumbled, then shook her head. "He got right in my face, his five beady little eyes... swinging! And jiggling!"

"His eyes did wut now." Applejack questioned.

"He ought to have covered his shame." Pinkie judged. "But he did not! For he was corrupted in body, mind, and soul! He lifted one terrible, six-and-a-half-fingered claw and pointed at me. And he said..."

"O-oh-no-what-did-he-saaaay..." Fluttershy wailed, shivering under Luna's wing.

Pinkie took on a horrendous croaking voice. "'YOU DID THIS, CHERRY...'" She hacked, sputtered, and coughed. "And I cried, because I knew it was true... In the dream. With the memory-poof thing? My stupid dream-me just kinda went with it. Anyway."

She looked solemnly between the faces of her friends, and then down. "Somehow I knew that I was the one who let them all down. They'd all become zombie-honk-demon-things. 'cause-a-me."

With a crackle and a buzz, the lights flickered back on.

"And that was the first night I spent at the Cakes' house!" Pinkie concluded brightly.

Rainbow Dash could only stare.

That was so fucking awesome.

Ch. 7.5 :: The Gals

The girls took another break after the experience with Pinkie.

"Yes, Fluttershy, I've known for a while," Luna soothed the shivering yellow pegasus. "It's a very common fear, including among adults; please don't be ashamed. I must presume Pinkie did not know about this..?"

Fluttershy shook her head. "I-I never b-brought it up b-because she n-never dressed up as a c-clown before, e-even though she does all these parties, I, I thought she knew. Honestly, it's strange that this didn't happen sooner, if Pinkie honestly didn't know..."

"It would seem she does not," Luna concluded. "I'm sure she would have avoided it otherwise." Fluttershy nodded. "Though now that you mention it," Luna mused, "I've not seen her in the ensemble either outside of her dreams. Curious."

"I-is it really that common?" Fluttershy wondered.

Luna nodded. "Oh, absolutely. I was rather startled when I first encountered them." She met Fluttershy's curious gaze for a moment before clarifying. "Ah, fears today are not the same as they were a thousand years ago. Upon resuming my duties, I was a bit out of touch, and caught flat-footed by all of these strange new nightmares. Back then we did not have 'clowns', as they are today. Jesters, fools, certainly; but not white-faced, red-nosed circus clowns." She felt Fluttershy shudder simply hearing the description.

"Have you always been afraid of clowns?" Luna asked, and Fluttershy nodded.

"I... I don't really remember when it started," the pegasus said. "I don't think I ever had a clown at my birthday party, or, or otherwise had a bad experience with one... other than being utterly terrified of them as long as I can remember."

Luna considered. "I for one have consistently found them annoying. They remind me of my sister." Fluttershy giggled in spite of herself as Luna continued, abashed at her own insufficient explanation. "W-well, at some times and not at others. You may have noticed she is considerably less... elegant outside of public view. I may no longer be Nightmare Moon, but I maintain a... healthier... level of envy for my sister's talent at poise and grace on the great stage of the world. As you may have surmised, I am not so patient as she with my court."

Fluttershy smiled and nuzzled closer. "I don't think I could ever handle what the Princesses go through."

"You could not," Luna said, her chin set. "Since at least once a month, we must drag Cadance over, and all sit together for a clown show."

Fluttershy simply stared at her in horror.

"Look, Pinkie, I'm sure you constructed this... imaginative story to entertain the Princess... right?" Twilight spoke to her in a low tone while Luna comforted Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Applejack had a conversation about something or another over a light snack.

"Hooooooonk~!" Pinkie cried, placing her hoof gently on Twilight's nose. When Twilight opened her mouth, utterly baffled, Pinkie shoved a small lollipop in. Twilight closed her mouth, sucking on the lollipop with suspicious, "you didn't answer me" eyes.

Pinkie shook her head, blinking obliviously. "Nuh-uh. It's 150% what really happened! Except it was a dream so technically I made it up because dreams are made-up in your head. It's the clearest nightmare I can recall! It felt super important for some reason." She looked at the ceiling. "Can't think of why, though!"

"Buh Piggie," Twilight persisted through her lollipop, "Spibe and I ah eggoed in yow dweam. Righh?"

"Uuuuuh-huh!" Pinkie confirmed in a sing-song voice, bouncing on her hooves. "I didn't really realize that until you moved to Ponyville, though!"

Twilight shifted her lollipop in her mouth to speak more clearly. "Which means you hadn't met us yet."

"Sure I did! Maybe." Pinkie didn't miss a beat.

"W." Twilight froze, her lollipop still. "Excuse me, what? What do you mean maybe?"

"Weeellll..." Pinkie said. "Maybe we were friends in a past life who loved each other so very very much that I was able to detect your presence through time and space and thus even before we met in this life I subconsciously manifested you in my dreams as some kind of mix of nightmare and actual dream because my most precious dreams are to be with my friends but my immortal soul missed you to the point you were mystically coerced to Ponyville just to be with us again BUUUUUUUUUT --" She paused to breathe. "-- if you wanna be like that about it..." she finished with a mope, melodramatically pawing at the floor.

Twilight went teary-eyed. "P-Pinkie, that's beautiful," she said. "You're that sweet? C'mere you." And she grabbed her in a big hug. "You even included Spike. Nobody ever includes Spike."

"Of course I included Spike!" Pinkie asserted. "At least my weird sleepy brain did. Spike rocks! We should play something with him sometime."

"I think he'd be delighted." Twilight warbled, and dabbed at her face with tissues, lollipop still in her mouth.

"Pinkie Pie, a word, please," Luna said, rising from her position next to Fluttershy gesturing to the plump lady. Pinkie tilted her head and followed her aside, leaving Twilight to be a sucker-sucking sap behind them.

"Did you really need to tell that story again!" Rarity whined, setting her goldenfern tea down. "I have to hear it at least once a year."

"You ffure you wanna bring thiff up while we're eatin'?" Applejack asked, talking with her mouth full and her face a bit red. "Ya ffaid you can ffmell it effery time you hear it again."

Rarity sighed, a hoof to her head. "I can. And you're right. I'm making my own problem, again. But you supplied all the ingredients for it!"

"Yeah," Rainbow Dash laughed between bites of a custard donut, "Ingredients for fertilizer."

Rarity made a "GRRK" sound and gagged into her napkin. Applejack choked on her pastry. "Rainbow Daaaash!" They both objected. The pegasus laughed.

"Alright, alright, let's stop teasin' her," Applejack said sternly. "Had enough ponies faintin' tonight and I ain't intendin' to die from chokin' on a whatever-this-is. Sure tastes good!"

Rarity and Rainbow Dash looked at each other and waited for her to finish.

Applejack licked a few remaining crumbs from her hoof, saw them staring at her, and blinked. "... Wut?" she ventured.

"Applejack," Rainbow Dash said, grinning ear to ear. "That was a pear danish."

"TH' HELL YOU SAY?!"

"What's up, Princess?" Pinkie asked nervously. "Didja like my story?" She went pigeon-hooved like a young filly awaiting a grade from the teacher.

Luna briefly glanced at the direction of a yell from Applejack before returning her attention to the nervous candy pony. "I adored it, Pinkie Pie," Luna assured her with a big smile. "But..." She was careful to keep a smile on, so it wouldn't look like she was scolding. "Are you aware that Fluttershy is deathly afraid of clowns..?"

Pinkie gasped and blanched, her pupils shrinking to pinpricks. "I am so stupid..!"

"No, Pinkie," Luna soothed, "You didn't mean any harm --"

"Princess, have ya ever seen me dress up as a clown before?" Pinkie asked, plaintively.

Luna had to admit she had not. "No..." She shook her head.

"Even though I'm the party pony and almost always act like a clown?"

Luna wasn't sure what yes and no meant here. "I admit I did wonder at times why you did not look the part."

"'cause I know a lotta foals are afraid of clowns!!!" Pinkie whimpered. "But I didn't consider any of my friends might be! Ooooh noooo I have to make it up to her!!" She stamped her feet in place, eyes watering.

"I know that, however you approach this, she will forgive you, Pinkie Pie," Luna assured her. "You are a good friend."

"Except when I traumatize Fluttershy."

Luna grimaced. "I would be horrified in your place, yes... But our break is young. Maybe... Give her a hug? No matter how angry my sister and I are with each other, a hug is always an improvement to our relationship... and I doubt Fluttershy can hold a grudge against anyone. Especially not one of her best friends. Go, right now, and speak with her."

Pinkie bit her lip, nodded, and went right over to nuzzle the poor delicate pegasus, who was all too happy to accept her.

"Forsooth. Friendship saved!" Luna hissed to herself, pumping a hoof like a fist. "Eat it, Celestia!"

Ch. 8 :: The Rumors

Applejack couldn't believe it! The girls had proved her a liar. It turned out she liked pears all along. Even she hadn't known that. She wasn't... half-Pear or something blasphemous like that, was she?

Anyway, that was then and this was now; she was fixing to forget all about that pear business, punching one hoof into the other, staring across at the gal with the pretty purple curls.

Applejack might not have looked the part, but she was a bit of a reader from time to time. She'd noticed that, in books, everyone chuckled; hardly a soul able to laugh in any other way... or at least they said they did in their memoirs. Most of the Elements of Harmony did not chuckle. They laughed, or giggled, or even squeaked.

But Applejack?

"Heh heh," Applejack chuckled. "Guess it's you 'n' me this round, Rarity."

In the corner of her vision, Applejack saw Fluttershy looking between them, then down at her hooves, tapping them together. Was she expecting a fight? Oh well, Fluttershy hated to be put on the spot, she was best left alone.

"Oh calm yourself, Applejack!" Rarity tossed her mane; it was just how she did. "I shan't be doing any of these silly Dares. I doubt my Truth will match the theatrics of Pinkie's, ooooor the... pungency of yours."

Applejack froze. She'd been sure to use the restroom and wash herself up all purdy during the break. Anyhow, she was done chuckling. "R-right," she scowled, "Let's just get to it, then."

"Sissy," Rainbow Dash said between mouthfuls of noodles. She'd begun eating during the previous break and was apparently not quite done yet. She'd probably have to get up in the middle of the game. At least she wasn't talking with her mouth full.

What bugged Applejack was that she wasn't sure who she was talking to. It was Applejack who'd just blushed, after all.

"Excuse you?!" Applejack and Rarity cried at once. Applejack was keenly aware that simultaneous yelling tended to mean different things to different ponies. Fluttershy giggled. Applejack had no idea what it meant to her.

"Rarity." Rainbow Dash pointed her fork at her; rude little imp. "She's a sissy. Won't do Dares." She took another mouthful. "Mmmmm."

Ah, Applejack saw what was going on. Rainbow Dash had tried this trick on her a whole bevy of times, and vice versa. They were like two samurai, respecting one another's skill. So, she relaxed and left her fellow swordmaster to her work.

Rarity stood up, as expected. "I. Dig. Rocks for a living!!"

"Yeah, with a dragon watching your back," Rainbow Dash said, eyes closed, slurping noodles. It was keenly important she not look at Rarity while she spoke.

That's so that Rarity decided to become louder, since the sight of her was irrelevant. "I became the queen of the Diamond Dogs!" Rarity raised a hoof illustriously.

Dash shrugged. "Wasn't there to see it. Story I heard is you whined and cried and begged and got lucky."

"I CHOOSE DARE." Rarity smacked the ground with a hoof to punctuate. Applejack swiftly raised her near forehoof, which Dash smacked with a wing in a high-feather-hoof.

"Oh." Rarity said. "Oh, you little tarts."

"Been called Apple Tart a million 'n' one times, Rarity, now lessee what yer Dare is..." Applejack said, flicking a card out in an instant and reading. She actually had a cousin named Apple Tart; she'd never met a more chaste gal, other than Pinkie and Fluttershy.

Her mouth fell open and she lowered the card, closing her eyes and mouth. "You gotta be yankin' my tail," she said with her head drooped. No, she wasn't surprised, or embarrassed. In fact, she had been expecting this the instant she heard "Truth or Dare" was a thing she would be doing. She just didn't expect it on the first fucking turn between her and Rarity. Maybe Pinkie had rigged more than two cards, come to think of it.

"What, is it a junk card? Lemme see it," Dash said, and went to lean over. No sirree; Applejack put the card to her chest and her other hoof on Dash's face, shoving her back. "Ow!!" Dash said and returned to her noodles. "Wow, okay, fine! I mean whatever, you've still gotta read it out loud."

That was true. Good job, Rainbow Dash, you told you a truth. Could've picked a better one, though.

"It better not be about poop." Pinkie warned. Some ponies liked to talk about things they didn't like to talk about.

"If it is, you'd better draw another card," Rarity growled. Applejack wasn't sure if Rarity could read her thoughts and avoided thinking any ill of her for the moment.

"N-naw, it ain't, it ain't!" Applejack protested. "But I don't reckon it's quite right. Ain't fair. Ain't --"

"If you dare," Rarity roared, "to say 'nah that ain't honest none' after all this talk about what a sissy I am I swear I will put every card in the deck in your hat and cram the whole arrangement down your throat!"

You know what else told ponies things? Knowing what each other's going to say, aping each other's voices, and threatening each other with violence but never following through. Fluttershy was covering her mouth with her hooves, seriously infected with giggles. Applejack was pretty damn sure she knew what all this meant to Fluttershy by now.

"W-whoa-whoa, it ain't you it ain't fair ta!" Applejack flailed. "It says..."

It said something stupid as all get out.

"It says." Rarity repeated, rolling a hoof to signal to continue.

"It saaaayss..."

She could eat the card. Then they'd have to let her draw another one. Nothing in the rules about that.

"IT SAYS!" Rarity yelled, flailing her hooves.

There ought to be a rule: If you draw a card, but it is a dumbass card, you can dismiss it.

"It says mrrmmrmmbmb..." Applejack mumbled.

"Oh, we're doing this now are we." Rarity sighed. She leaned onto her side and waved with a deadpan. "Yes, yes, speak up dear..."

"It says I-wa-ya-da-kff-m..." Applejack stumbled.

"Stop dragging it out you beautiful GOLDEN drama-goddess!!!"

Oh why did she have to say that! Applejack closed her eyes, her face bright red.

"It says I dare ya ta kiss me!!!"

There it was! Out in the wind, like her when she was in the bush. Good old Applejack, nothing to contribute but embarrassing herself. It wasn't her fault, though. It was this good-for-nothing, scum-sucking, apple-adulterating card.

Fluttershy gasped, twiddling her back legs with a beaming smile. Aw screw her, Applejack thought.

"What! Bullshit, it doesn't," Dash accused, and swiped the card from Applejack, who put one hoof to the side of her face and sunk into her pillow. Dash blinked. "Ah. Hmm. Right, Applejack, doesn't lie, et cetera."

Damn straight. Woulda been nice to be a liar, though.

Rainbow Dash coughed. "Hey, uh, Rarity --"

"Give me that you jokers!" Rarity scoffed and seized the card magically. "Now what does it really say."

Rarity stared at the card without expression for several seconds. Of course, it said just what Applejack stated it said. She could keep on reading it 'til Luna went to bed. Wouldn't change.

"Man, sure are a lot of awkward pauses in this game," Pinkie Pie blurted out.

Rarity tucked the card behind her ear. Then she got up and walked primly over to Applejack.

Aw naw you ain't --

... and Rarity seized her in a hug, planting a kiss on her cheek with a squeaky "mweeeee!" sound.

Ya did.

First, Applejack had to admit that Rarity smelled mighty fine this evening. Of course, she'd just showered. She hugged like an angel taking you to heaven. And her kiss was like a butterfly landing on your face. No tongue, no teeth, no nasty pop sound. Rarity was the most elegant and tender cheek-kisser there was and she always made you feel like you were the most precious thing in the world to her.

Secondly, of all the stupid-ass things that broad could've done!

"W-what're you doin'?!" Applejack yelled, curating her thoughts into something more polite.

"I have planted an affectionate and completely normal kiss on your cute little freckly cheek," Rarity pointed out. This plumb awful pony. She always knew exactly how to turn Applejack redder than Tirek's nose after a Sunday drink. She wished Rarity would stop talking about the son-of-a-bitching freckles. "There's nothing wrong with girls who are friends showing affection to one another," Rarity finished, her eyes closed and with a little pout. She didn't actually finish with a "so there" but Applejack heard it in her head.

"Or boys," Luna added. Applejack didn't mind none, but she couldn't imagine Big Macintosh and Spike hugging and kissing. Maybe if they were brothers? Either way, Discord was right out.

"I-think-it's-adorraaabblllee..." Fluttershy gushed. Girl, if you don't shut that mouth of yours it's gonna be on the back of yer head, Applejack thought.

But what she said in a squawk was, "Gad-dingus-dangit Rarity ain't you heard word 'round town?!"

Rarity blinked and let go, looking at her with her neck craned awkwardly. "Around town? Which town? Our town??"

Of course she didn't notice! Why would Rarity notice. It was only constant chatter all over town for a decade. Rarity only noticed what wasn't dead obvious.

"Yes!" Applejack yelled. "In Ponyville! Fer years they've been goin' on about... ababubabout Rarijack!"

Fluttershy put a hoof to her mouth and looked away meaningfully. Hogshit, you know what we're talking about, Fluttershy. Applejack was about to put her hooves on that sassy little neck of hers.

"What in the world is a Rarijack." Only Rarity could be this smart and also this stupid.

"No idea," Fluttershy warbled, sweating. Well we ain't asked you, so shut it.

It was no use trying to be subtle with Rarity; the girl was a ditz and a half. "It's us!" Applejack grumbled. "They think we're a couple!"

Rarity blinked, her face reddening. "A... A couple? As in..."

"Like Lyra and Bon Bon, yes," Rainbow Dash commented helpfully. "RARI-ty. Apple-JACK. RARIJACK." Like learning the alphabet.

"I, I thought Lyra and Bon Bon were just friends..." Rarity whimpered. Her world must've turning upside down. Applejack couldn't help but feel a little bad for her.

"Lyra and Bon Bon walk through the entire town on a single hoof-hold!" Rainbow Dash pointed out. Rarity frowned in thought. Applejack knew there was no way she hadn't seen them toppling through the market like they were doing a four-legged potato sack race together.

"Lyra and Bon Bon call each other 'my muse' and 'my sweet tooth'," Fluttershy giggled. Rarity blanched. Yep, Applejack remembered all those times Lyra had mentioned finding Bon Bon to "satisfy her sweet tooth" and Rarity, probably presuming this was referring to Bon Bon being a candy merchant, had stupidly said something that everyone other than her interpreted as "Don't have too much fun, ya hear!"

"Lyra and Bon Bon live right next door to me and have aggressively loud sex every Friday night," Twilight confirmed, red-faced. "It's not as bad now that my bedroom is a few dozen stories in the air, but sometimes I can still hear them. I have a baby dragon in the house for Luna's sake. Gosh, I can barely look either of them in the eyes. I have to excuse myself if either of them says anything about being sore." Applejack had nothing sassy to think about that one. Poor Twilight. The girl blushed if a book mentioned a saucy look.

"I assure you, Twilight Sparkle, I do not benefit in any way from these arrangements," Luna protested, a bit loudly. "This certainly explains the dreams of Ponyville's residents during these Fridays. Younger foals rapidly invent terrible new monsters to explain unfamiliar noises. Older foals and adults..." She allowed that sentence to hang.

Then Luna cleared her throat. "Let us set that aside and focus on this 'Rarijack' business..."

Fluttershy wriggled and beamed. Applejack and Rarity scowled and looked away from each other.

"I think it is beautiful that Rarity is so comfortable with physical affection..." Luna nearly cooed. "However, if you are not, Applejack, or any of the rest of you, then I prithee make this clear to her, so that she knows to refrain."

"I'm cool with it," Rainbow Dash went first. "Maybe ease up a bit when the cameras show up..."

"Oh, Rarity already knows I'm quite alright with it," Fluttershy asserted.

Pinkie made a face and mimed that her lips were sealed. Rarity gave her a signal and a sigh and she unzipped her mouth. "Me and Rarity have a Snuggle-Over at least once a week! It's like a sleepover except snugglier."

Twilight gasped, scandalized. "W-what?! And you never invited me?! You know my first sleepover - which "Rarijack" attended - was a disaster! If you girls are doing Snuggle-Overs or any other kind of super-sleepover I want in!"

Well, if the pony who was supposed to be handling forestry duty had been doing her job, then a tree could not have fallen on, or into, Twilight's house. But that was water under the bridge.

Applejack nodded and chewed on her lip. Rarity was her friend, and if it wasn't for those stupid rumors and Rarity's delicate business in the predatory big city, she wouldn't be one bit uncomfortable with the whole squeaky-cuddly thing she did. That was just how she treated her friends. Now how was she going to say that in a way Rarity wouldn't turn into something else.

"Listen, Rarity," she said, and she kept her tone gentle, "I wouldn't mind it personally at all, it's just... well there's Ponyville's blabbermouths fer starters, but also I know you got a business ta run, 'n' as we discussed earlier, them tabloid papers is real pieces o' work."

Rarity sighed. "Well you're right about that! They see me as a fabrication, if you didn't know; a 'country beast pretending to be civilized'. Oh, they'll welcome and flatter me when they can make money off of my work, but one slip-up and that's my Ponyville genes making me act like an animal or whatnot. But do you know what?"

"W-what?" Applejack asked.

"To hell with them all, they can kiss my savage ass," Rarity said, prompting Luna to smile widely. "But I do believe it would be a big help if you could please behave yourself better while we're together in Canterlot! Or even when you're alone!"

THERE SHE WENT TURNING IT INTO SOMETHING ELSE AGAIN. Applejack scowled.

"She has a point," Luna seconded, "The city council has tried three times to declare you as a public menace, Applejack. You would be chased out of the city with spears if you were not endorsed by Fancy Pants, my sister, and myself."

Applejack scowled. "Ya just gotta knock one buildin' down with yer butt, I tell ya..." It might've been more.

"Five," Luna corrected her, "and one was a museum." Okay, it was more. But in her defense, the museum was the "one building" that got her running from pickets and potato guns, so it wasn't a lie.

"You keep your nuclear butt on that pillow, Applejack," Rainbow Dash admonished. "I want us to be allowed to come back here again."

Applejack and Rarity stared in shock.

"I can't believe you just managed a double entendre," Rarity praised her.

"Wut she said." Applejack followed.

"I did what?" Dash responded blankly.

"Let's not get into the topic of Applejack's nuclear butt again, please," Twilight requested. "Though I move that unprovoked snuggles are officially allowed in this and all future games of Truth or Dare."

"Aye!" came the unanimous chorus.

Ch. 9 :: The Vice

"Princess, it should now be your turn to ask for Fluttershy," Twilight reminded cheerily.

Oh! She'd forgotten she would be required to do this. "I pray I will not be required to trespass too harshly..." Luna worried, pulling the cards over. She also hoped that she wouldn't be quite so vulnerable as when, er, she was the one answering. Although, that did set the stage for her to begin socializing more directly and intimately with the Bearers, and their conversations had been very fulfilling. She just hoped that continued steps in their relationship would not require her to admit anything else unsuitable for Canterlot's headlines.

It may seem strange that Luna was so uncertain about all of this, as Luna had, of course, been privy to the dreams of the ponies here, and this ought to have given her a "hoof in the door" to understand them. However, it was actually quite rare for a pony's dreams to explain much of their personality rather than to reflect their immediate mental state or near future. Furthermore, she had learned that ponies often found her presence to be uncanny and invasive. The effect was worse if they did not remember meeting her in the dream after they awakened, as they often did not; for if she brought it up, then they began to panic over what she might have seen. So, contrary to what one may believe, Luna's dream-walking was overall an obstacle to her more mundane social life; she was bashful to speak to ponies in the waking world.

"Oh, it won't be your fault, Princess," Fluttershy said. "I'll forgive you." She winked at her with a smile, and Luna relaxed. Fluttershy had been a wonderful friend, and each had gotten a chance to console the other. Luna trusted that Fluttershy would forgive her for whatever was on the card. If it was really that bad, everyone could simply dismiss it. It could hardly upset her as much as the clown incident with Pinkie Pie earlier, and she'd gotten over that within an hour. Fluttershy was a far stronger creature than she gave herself credit for. Luna once saw her tear a dream-clown's throat out with her teeth, blood-red candy and streamers spilling everywhere like a nightmare pinata.

But Luna would still hate to have to speak crude words to her. What might the card say? If it was "What part of your body are you most ashamed of" or something exploitable like that, she could not bear to ask her. Even if Fluttershy did not have a sensitive answer, the resulting conversation would certainly be ignoble, undeserving of Fluttershy's innocence and grace.

"I am sure I know the answer to this, but..." Luna coughed. "Truth or Dare, Miss Fluttershy?"

"Oh, Truth, please!" Fluttershy asked politely. "I hope it won't be too embarrassing..."

Luna was sure she would choose that; the dares seen so far were not palatable to her. Luna anxiously drew a card and smiled while reading. It looked harmless enough; she'd seen nothing in her dreams to suggest otherwise. "Ah, this should be rather tame! Alright." She set the card down and looked warmly at Fluttershy. "What is your most secret, guilty hobby?"

To Luna's horror, Fluttershy's wings drooped, and she blinked, looking both ways uncomfortably. It was not such a dramatic reaction as in some of the previous rounds, but Luna was worried the game had indeed gone somewhere it should not have. Luna thought back to Applejack's Truth and hoped this round would not be so... disagreeable.

"I'd like ta hear this," Applejack said, and looked at Fluttershy intently - but she must have seen what was wrong, because her gaze softened and she tilted her head.

"O-oh, um," Fluttershy stammered. "It's... Hmm. That is to say, I, erm..." Her cheeks were rapidly turning pink, but that was no surprise. Most of the attendants tonight had spent more time blushing than not, including Luna herself.

"Fluttershy, dear," Rarity crooned hesitantly, "Might it be related to that highly conspicuous shed you have on your property?"

"Th' one I built fer ya?" Applejack asked incredulously.

Fluttershy looked at her and slowly nodded.

"No way!" Rainbow Dash cried. "Don't tell me you've got corpses in there."

Sometimes, Luna could not believe the nerve of the Hero of Loyalty.

"Rainbow Dash!" Rarity scolded. "What planet are you from, really!"

"Wait, Applejack built that shed?" Twilight asked. "With the pink roof and the hearts?"

"Well I didn't paint th' damn thing..." Applejack rolled her eyes, and Twilight closed her mouth sheepishly. "Ain't no corpses gonna fit in there," the carpenter continued. "Heck, I reckon th' Princess couldn't even stretch 'er wings out in that lil' study."

"So you couldn't fit the Princess's corpse in there," Dash clarified.

"You could try," Luna said ominously, and they were quite done talking about that. One of the few tricks she had successfully learned from her sister: make them the ones who have to bluntly say it.

"Rainbow Dash, really," Rarity laughed nervously, "At the worst, it's where she keeps animals she's yet to bury..."

"WHICH ARE CORPSES." Rainbow Dash repeated.

"Why're you so set on these dangum corpses!" Applejack lamented.

"Okay fine, let's try Tirek-worship," Dash grumped. "I mean, as long as you don't summon the guy, you've got enough room to pray to just about anybody."

"You could summon Cozy Glow," Pinkie added brightly.

Fluttershy sniffled, and everyone immediately turned their attention to her. "They're not corpses," she said very firmly, but sighed. "And I don't worship mean people. But you would still think I was a... a... a sicko!" She put her head on her hooves and started to quietly cry.

"Fluttershy, you chew food and spit it into birds' mouths," Rainbow Dash said. Rarity closed her eyes and wobbled on the spot.

"Ya can imitate th' call of every animal in Equestria, includin' ones what ain't got mouths," Applejack continued.

"You teach tigers to eat vegan food," Pinkie scowled. "Is it really murder to use cream and butter?! Momma's gotta keep meat on her bones!"

"Might I point out that alongside this vegan thing you also feed fish to some of your animals!" Twilight added.

"The point is, you can't get any weirder for us," Rainbow Dash summarized.

"There ain't nothing y'all could do in that tiny-ass shed that could be all that bad," Applejack consoled.

Fluttershy jumped up adamantly, tears streaming down her face. "IT'S... MY... SHIPPING SHED!!!" she all-but-roared, leading everyone to lean back as she huffed and puffed. "I ship my friends! Is that what you wanted to hear?! No corpses! No Tirek! No! Cozy! Glow!"

She curled back up on her pillow, sniffling, and no one said anything for several seconds.

"Shit, that's a lot better than corpses," Rainbow Dash surmised. "GACK!" Applejack had bopped her on the back of the head and sent her back into the pillow maze.

"Rarijack is the cutest," Fluttershy bemoaned, "I was so happy it caught on."

Rarity gave a scandalized gasp. "YOU STARTED IT?!" she and Applejack cried.

"Th-th-they argue like a m-m-married couple..." Fluttershy sobbed.

"We! Do! Not!" Rarity gasped, swelling like a frog.

"The hell we don't, Rarity! We're fightin' every damn day of the --" Applejack's eyes widened. "Aw shucks."

"WE! ABSOLUUUUTELY..!" Rarity blinked and put her hoof to her mouth. "Oh, I see." She finished calmly.

Twilight had come over to cuddle Fluttershy, under the recently added rule. "Oh sweetheart," she cooed gently, "There's nothing wrong with shipping your friends."

Every single other person looked dead at her. "H-h-huh?" Fluttershy asked, utterly confused.

"I mean, I do it! I'm... fond of Appledash, myself," Twilight continued shyly, crossing her forelegs and looking away.

Rainbow Dash's mouth fell open. "You're fucking with us."

Fluttershy perked and jumped up. "Appledash is a perfectly valid ship!!"

"Oh, absolutely!! Rainbow Dash is tough on the outside, tender on the inside," Twilight began ranting. "She needs someone who can be gentle without being patronizing."

Rainbow Dash and Applejack were looking back and forth at them as they talked, refusing to look at each other.

"Oh my, yes!" Fluttershy beamed. "She needs someone who'll yank her back when she's out of control, but is also a good shoulder to cry on when she's falling apart..!"

"Exactly!!" Twilight danced in place. "And most importantly: Rainbow Dash needs someone who honestly, sincerely thinks that she is super cute!!!"

They both squeed together.

"A-Applejack," Rainbow Dash called without looking at her, "Y-y-you don't think I'm... c-c-cute, do you?!"

"Adorable, but yer not my type," Applejack assured her, also without looking.

"I AM NOT CUTE!!"

"Omigosh, do you know what I just thought of?!" Twilight cut in.

"What is it??" Fluttershy asked eagerly.

"What if Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity had a delicate love triangle!"

"Oh my!! They were all paired up but they each thought their other relationships were a secret?! That's so risque..." Fluttershy giggled, hiding her face.

Rarity stabbed a hoof through the air in Fluttershy's general direction. "You started a cult and the least you could do is let me have an open ménage à trois --"

"WAIT A MINUTE." Pinkie Pie cut in. She narrowed her eyes. "Who's my waifu?"

Fluttershy started to mumble, and Pinkie cut her off. "YADADADADA, nope! Applejack and Rarity already did that! I... demand... ANSWERS!!!" she shrieked.

Fluttershy sighed. "I don't know if Twilight will agree, but... Pokey Pierce. 100%." Twilight nodded immediately, her eyes closed to make it look more official than it was.

Pinkie stared agape. "What?! That absolute jerk who does nothing but pop my balloons?!"

Fluttershy pulled her shoulders up, turning her head with a blush. "Yes, it's very euphemistic... I-it was either him or... Cheese Sandwich."

Pinkie nearly pulled her face off in horror. "Ch... Cheese... Chchfpfppfppfp, Cheese Sandwich is old enough to be my dad!!!"

"I know~" Fluttershy giggled in the creepiest possible way. "But I think you should give Pokey a chance. He's a very nice colt when you get to know him. You just... need to keep everything fragile below or above his head height."

"Don't even try ta kiss him," Applejack said, and Pinkie blushed with whistling steam from the ears.

Cadance gently pulled Flurry Heart out of the crib and set her down on a soft bench. The youngster looked around the room, bedazzled by all the stuff painted on the walls. Stars, rainbows, animals, hearts, all dancing on a sea of cheap cyan wallpaper from the bargain section. The Crystal Empire wasn't rich. They were a desolate winterscape out in the boonies with little to offer Equestria but exotic diseases. The crystals and other natural resources had kinda already been there for eons, they were still working out the ownership details.

"Okay, Flurry, repeat after momma," Cadance said, and she set down an easel and flipped the topmost card. "A is for..."

"Abbadaa!" Flurry said, pointing both forehooves at the cute illustration of Applejack and Rainbow Dash kissing.

"Yes, that's right! Appledash!" Cadance cheered, and flipped the card. "Okay, B is for..."

"Bullseye!" Flurry yelled.

Cadance laughed. "Bulk-Shy. Close enough!" She flipped the card. "C is for..."

"Cryzalih!" Flurry babbled.

"That's right! It's just Chrysalis. And why is it just Chrysalis, Flurry?"

"Becuh see cah guu buh herseh!"

"That's right! She can go buck herself." Cadance hugged and cradled her daughter. Then she set her back down, stepped back a few paces, and bumped into something. She gave a harsh gasp, spinning around and instinctively shielding her daughter.

"Flurry's not in trouble," Shining Armor said, tapping a hoof. "She might be when she's 15, though."

After scanning him to be sure, Cadance dropped the shield and looked very sheepish. "I, I can explain!!" She absolutely couldn't, actually.

"Can you explain how you were ever a foal-sitter?"

"I have one final question..." Rainbow Dash frowned. "Who do you two ship yourselves with?"

The two froze, looking scandalized. "Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy wavered, "That is a question you don't ask."

Twilight nodded. "The self-ship is a secret that none can know," she mumbled, looking away. "It is not shared even with other shippers. What if the two of you are shipped with the same person? Wars have been started for less."

"You can't even tell the person you're shipping yourself with!" Fluttershy warned.

"What! You mean you never confess your feelings?" Rainbow Dash reworded.

"W-well, I guess you could say it that way..." Twilight relented.

"So basically, you two set e'rybody else up fer a date, but y'all stay single ferever even if yer in love," Applejack summarized.

They lowered their heads in shame and nodded.

"That's stupid," Rainbow Dash decided.

"And another thang: Do I git a single male companion in this bizarre land o' charts 'n' kinky romps?" Applejack queried.

Fluttershy and Twilight both opened their mouths.

"If either if you names one fuckin' stallion I'm related ta yer gettin' a whuppin' boy howdy."

Luna gave a dainty cough. Everyone stopped, turned, and stared at her. She looked stoically down her nose at them as their eyes darted back and forth.

"Well?" She asked simply.

"... I... I-I would like to end my turn now," Fluttershy said, trembling in a cold sweat.

Luna understood. She'd been outraged at first, but gradually grew accustomed to the dreams ponies had about her - flattered, even. Still, she was never going to tell Fluttershy she was the only pony to ever mistake the real Luna for the dream one.

Ch. 10 :: The Consequences

The girls played a few more rounds, of course - shuffling up who was asking who.

Twilight was forced to ask Luna what her least favorite thing about a family member was. She was a bit reluctant to get started, but, with Fluttershy's assurance that disliking one thing about her sister did not mean she hated her, soon erupted into quite a rant. She stopped once she realized everyone was listening to her compare her "assets" to those of "the Holy Cow" and immediately ended her turn, her face shining bright pink. Twilight covered her face for the entire next turn.

Fluttershy Dared Rarity not to look at herself in the mirror for the entirety of the next pony's turn - which was Fluttershy's. Fluttershy was then Dared to say one bad thing about someone else in the room and told Rarity she had a zit. Rarity immediately failed her Dare, and Fluttershy giggled and apologized over and over and over, clapping her hooves with glee.

Pinkie asked Rainbow Dash what the biggest lie she'd ever told her was. When she reminded Dash of all of her active Pinkie Promises, it turned out Dash broke one - she'd briefly dated a wannabe stud who thought all "fat mares" were ugly, to which Dash strongly objected because Pinkie was adorable. This broke a Promise never to identify Pinkie with the F-word, but under the circumstances, Pinkie let her off easy. (She tickled her, of course; Luna made a curious sound, looked all over the room, and acted like she didn't witness a violation of a court-ordered restriction.)

Pinkie got a Dare to gargle the entire alphabet with salt water. She projectile-vomited onto Rarity after six letters. Everyone was disgusted, but other than Rarity, they all laughed anyway and helped to clean them both up and get the "yuck" out of Pinkie's throat. Luna volunteered a story in which Celestia suffered a similar reaction to one of Blueblood's colognes. Rarity felt much better when she heard the Prince was the target in that case.

And Luna, after she stopped dancing in place upon reading the card, got to ask Applejack what her biggest fear was. Applejack firmly and immediately answered "ghosts". Of course, Twilight promptly said ghosts weren't real, and Applejack reminded her that Nightmare Moon wasn't supposed to be real either until she was. Since Nightmare Moon turned out to be a nice lady (Luna raised her hoof and waved), Applejack was soon convinced that the ghosts she swore were haunting her house might have been her parents and felt "plumb awful" for how she'd been treating them. Twilight then set her head down and sighed because complaining any further about ghosts could have been taken as contempt against Applejack's parents which, as she'd learned from Rarity's answer to "What's the worst fight you've ever been in", was a one-way ticket to Canterlot Hospital.

Soon, the Princess felt she ought to retire for the night, and six hugs later, she departed and the girls prepared for bed. Twilight was immensely relieved that the Princess's various embarrassments and near-humiliations hadn't turned anyone into ash.

"Good job, girls," she praised her friends. "We've managed to avoid outraging a Princess. I'm sorry I doubted you."

"Mm-hmm," Applejack mumbled, "Luna's a great gal. Just a mite shy, is all..." And bam, she was out, making little sleepy whinny noises.

"We've outraged a Princess!!" Twilight shrieked the next morning.

It was a lovely morning, really; the dawn streamed gently through latticed windows, allowing the day to invade the room only gradually; "Get up, sleepyheads," it said gently, "but take your time, it's okay."

The maids had come in - though not Riverrose, for as the girls learned, she was a personal attendant to the Princess and never far behind her. They had taken the dirty plates, dusted the floors, straightened the curtains, and fluffed the pillows as soon as most of the girls were awake.

Oh, and Twilight was Twilighting at all of them.

"I'm sorry, what?" Rainbow Dash said. "I thought Luna was super happy with us!"

"She is!" Twilight huffed and puffed.

This time, the girls all understood, and shared nervous looks with each other.

"N-now Twilight, let's not jump to conclusions," Rarity asked, trying to calm herself as much as calm Twilight. "Hypothesis, check. Now, sweetheart, what is your evidence?"

Soothed by her sultry sciencey words, Twilight slowed her breathing and held up a rolled parchment. The girls stared quietly, the room fading to grey, as she opened it back up and began to read aloud.

To our beloved Bearers of the Elements of Harmony,

As you may have heard, I have not felt very well these past few days, or else I would visit you in person. Perhaps I will still do so, as I expect to recover before your time in Canterlot is at an end.

Please allow me to express my gratitude for entertaining Luna. I was worried that she may not be able to withstand the stresses of the particular responsibilities transferred to her, and that these may have have a detrimental effect on your soirée. Indeed, I am suspicious that the delegates for the 50th Annual Rain-Dancing Festival, which was held on the first night of your visit, may have made me sick! I am pleased to hear that everything went well.

"Why that sounds lovely," Rarity protested, and Twilight cut her off.

However.

The girls all shut their mouths and looked at each other nervously.

This morning I was informed that our stock of goldenfern tea has been entirely consumed. An odd coincidence: it was delivered to your location. This wondrous tea is the only thing currently preventing me from putting myself into a magically-induced coma, and if you have any packets left I must respectfully demand them at once.

Rarity put her hoof to her mouth and glanced at the table where they'd had tea.

"Tell me you didn't drink 'em all," Rainbow Dash said. "There were twenty packets."

"Twenty-one," Fluttershy corrected. "A-and her sister may have drank about half of them..."

"Okay, so ten-ish. Even if all of us had one, that's still like four left!"

Fluttershy looked down sheepishly. "I was very thirsty..."

Dash paled. "You little --"

"Listen!" Twilight demanded.

I have found that the hot water in Canterlot Castle has been temporarily exhausted, requiring me to take a cold shower or none at all. Any pony who I find to be uncannily glittery, steamy, or cuddly shall be sent to the dungeon. Perhaps then you will appreciate a good shower and not be quite so greedy about them.

Rarity, Pinkie, and Rainbow Dash looked at each other.

"Okay wait, both of these things are Luna's fault," Dash reasoned. "She was the one to order the tea delivered to our room, and she specifically told us to use as much water as we wanted."

"Why, you're exactly right Rainbow Dash, that's very reasonably sound," Twilight grimaced. "Yep, that's definitely the choice Princess Celestia would pick between going after her sister and going after us."

Dash warbled and had no counter to that.

The incredibly robust septic system of the castle has been terribly clogged. Our plumber tells us he has not seen such a concentration of... matter in all his forty years of work in the business, and assures us that it must have originated from the Woona Tower washroom. All residents of the castle,

... and here Twilight put emphasis...

up to and including the heads of state,

She coughed.

are forced to utilize alternative facilities until such time as this incident can be resolved.

"What's a head of state?" Dash asked.

"A PRINCESS IS A HEAD OF STATE!!!" Twilight roared.

"Oh fuck." Dash got quiet again.

Applejack put her hat over her face again. Pinkie looked back and forth with her eyes, wearing a wobbly Charlie Brown grin.

"Now that can't be Princess Luna's fault," Rarity said.

You may have noticed that Luna, when she is in a good mood, is very chatty, and often reveals more than she intends to. As a consequence, it is my understanding that, later in the proceedings, Luna felt the context you had set for your discussion, which included the participation of my dear student, Twilight Sparkle, whom I have known for most of her life, was appropriate to refer to her sick, suffering elder sister as "the Holy Cow" and enumerate the various physiological criteria for this title.

Twilight finished this section red-faced and with her finest scowl. She looked like she was about to flip out and start yelling at her fellow theatre puppets. (This was not altogether a different scenario from the truth.)

Fluttershy looked faint. "O-oh no," she vocalized. That was probably what everyone was thinking.

Twilight, with steam blowing out her nose, finished reciting:

So, in summary:

I am sick as heck.

I have no tea.

I have no shower.

I have no bathroom.

I am a cow.

Please be assured that Luna's role in these transgressions has been determined with lethal precision and I have already selected her sentence, to be carried out after I have recovered, so as not to interfere with her substitution in duties I am as yet unable to perform.

You are in a lot of trouble, young ladies. I shall visit you in person when I am feeling better. If you are lucky, my sour mood may improve with my health.

Your friend,
~Princess Celestia

As Rainbow Dash made to take off, Twilight seized her with her magic without taking her eyes off of the paper. She tugged her down a little bit hard, causing the pegasus to squeak,.

P.S. If I have to chase down a single one of you, all six of you will suffer. Badly.

Rainbow Dash gasped and sat down. "H-hey, no fair! Using my friends as hostages?! That's... That's targeted directly at me! That's discrimination!"

"Rainbow Dash, yer th' only poor dumb son-of-a-bitch here who was gonna run," Applejack said.

"I'm a girl," Dash protested. "And if you jerks are candy bars, I'm a chocolate chip. She won't even need to chew!"

"Okay, okay, calm down, everypony," Twilight said, mostly to herself. "We know one thing: We absolutely cannot run. It is impossible. The best we can do is follow her commands, and not even enter the bathroom at all today, and not make her any angrier, and hope she doesn't launch us directly into the sun as soon as she can get out of bed for anything other than going to the bathroom."

"U-um," Fluttershy raised a wing.

"To the whatever she has to use!!" Twilight corrected herself.

Shining Armor stepped off the airship and into the familiar streets of Canterlot.

He'd been so concerned with his wife's relapse into ship addiction and the possible effect on their daughter, he almost failed to notice when Twily missed a week. His sister wrote him every week, even if she had nothing to say. He'd insisted on it so that he would notice quickly if something happened to her. He'd rather Twilight have a paranoid brother than Shining have a sister held hostage by some weird cannibalistic jungle tribe.

Well, something must have happened, and her last known location was Canterlot, Woona T -- uh, the Lunar Spire. Cadance had shamefully shown him all her charts and graphs. She'd thrown them away, tearfully promising to improve herself for good this time, and he told her he was trusting her to be alone with Flurry for a while. It was hard not to worry about her. At her lowest, when she was a teenager, she'd even shipped him with... He didn't even want to think about that right now.

He smoothly wound through the city, ignoring the mares swooning over him on every corner. Ten or more years ago he might have thrown a few sexy looks around... He was married now, and the list of rules and prohibitions for that was just as strict as the Royal Guard. He was also just as dedicated to them. Besides, most Canterlot mares were 50% recycled plastic. Cadance was petite, but she was real. No additives. And she was cuddly as hecc.

All that walking around the frozen north with nigh-unbreathable air did wonders for his already-robust constitution, so he quickly and easily reached the castle with breath to spare. It was high noon. Strange... It was high noon when he departed from the Crystal Empire, too, he was sure.

He was saluted as he neared the castle, and easily secured clearance to investigate the Lunar Spire. No dice; the maids had been in there, any evidence was wiped clean days ago. Questioning them, he learned the last pony to be seen with them was Princess Luna, but... she wouldn't be awake at noon, would she?

"Shining Armor..." came a sleepy voice, and he turned.

The Princess of the Night was there, wearing an adorable set of pajamas spotted black-and-white to look like a cow. It stopped at the neck. She bore a headband with cute little horns coming off just behind her ears (in addition to her tiara.) She looked... stressed. Yeah, that was the Princessly Correct word right now.

"We were expecting you." She yawned. A few more hairs twong!'d out of alignment. He hoped the constellations in the sky weren't melting like the ones in her mane right now.

He bowed. "... Princess." He rose. "Are... you okay?"

"Do We bucking look okay, Captain? For 72 hours, the entirety of which We have donned this, it has been either midnight or noon. We have no idea what time it actually is or when anything is supposed to happen. Our sleep schedule is a wreck."

Great, she was grumpy. "Were you the last pony to speak to Twilight?"

It took her a few seconds to respond. "Twilight Sparkle? Nay," she shook her head several more times after speaking, then nodded off, mumbled incoherently, jumped up with a start, and squinted at him. "Twilight Sparkle? Nay. Go to the Solar Court at once." She fell asleep standing up, mooing quietly, and even then her magic shoved him in the right direction, so he followed her directions and set off at a trot.

He hadn't gone ten steps when he saw Miss Fluttershy come around the corner. He would have called out to her immediately, if she was not wearing a pinafore and a lacy headpiece, her hair done up in twintails of all things, and balancing a tray of tea on one wing. Those marriage vows he took so seriously all the way over here started to say, "Hey, man, loosen up a little."

She gasped and jumped a bit when she saw him, but expertly swerved her tray to avoid spilling. She looked both ways, then with her other wing motioned to follow, her beautiful face ashamed. He tugged at his collar and walked beside her. She smelled like sunshine. He did not wish to walk behind this particular mare in this particular outfit. Especially with how well she handled that tray. Mama mia, as Cadance would say.

She went straight to the Solar Court and was allowed entry. He entered behind her with no confrontation.

Princess Celestia was regally lounging on... was that one of Miss Rarity's futons? It was definitely not her throne. That had been clumsily tossed to a corner of the room. The futon was a better fit for her, erm, size, anyway.

On either side of her, Miss Rainbow Dash and Miss Applejack were fanning her with giant leaves. They were wearing very indecent golden swirls that might be called clothing by a less pragmatic pony than Shining Armor. He found his attention drawn to their ahrrhrr far more than it ever would if they had simply been naked. Truth be told, he found it rather unsettling... He wasn't into the whole degradation thing, and he rather respected these ladies. They were all mares he could get behind. Wait, no, that was not the proper thought for that sentiment.

Miss Rarity, who thankfully wore a copy of Miss Fluttershy's outfit, was kneeling before the throne, polishing the golden shoes.

The smell of sunshine dramatically intensified. It burned a little.

Miss Fluttershy stopped at the stairs to the dais and elegantly bowed, tray still perfectly balanced. Celestia took the tray from her and waved her away with a wing. "Grapes," she said in a monotone, and Shining's eyes bugged out as Miss Pinkie Pie shyly crept out from behind the futon, her hair worn long and flat today, wearing (by a loose meaning of the verb) the same as the leaf-bearers, to hoof-feed the Princess grapes in between her sips of tea. This of course required Miss Rarity to move. It also caused Shining to smell blood.

Miss Fluttershy turned to power-walk past Shining and he put a hoof out to stop her. She jumped back a step and stared at him, wide-eyed and confused.

Just then, the door opened again, and as he turned his head, his sister walked in. The color drained from his face when he saw she was also wearing a maid uniform, but hers was more ornate. She had a huge ribbon tied around the back, and a smaller one on her head in place of lace. This was unfathomably uncomfortable for Shining.

"Princess," Twilight said, bowing so low her nose nearly touched the floor, no more than a few steps in the door. She was holding a toothbrush in her magical aura. "I've completed your commandments. Your room is fully organized. Your washroom is spotless and pristine. Your towels are laundered and fluffy --"

Princess Luna, exhausted as she was, leapt back clumsily into the air as what seemed to be a very long, multi-colored parade dragon, who smelled kind of sexy, zipped through the air past her. It belched fire and wielded something enormous and velvet, throwing both in her direction. Luna's headband flew into the air.

The velvet thing landed. Luna fell on it. Her headband fell perfectly into place on her head. Then all the fire fell on her.

"Ouch," she said.

"You asshole! I'm living the dreeaam..." the dragon's cry faded around the corner. Strange. The dragon sounded just like Twilight Sparkle.

She heard the distinct wing flaps of her sister, as well as the distinct yelling of said sister. "Captain Shining Armor! Get back here with my indentured servants this instant! That is a direct order!" The yelling and wing flaps faded around the same corner. She was going pretty fast for such a big gal. The dragon was faster, though, Luna was pretty sure.

Luna sleepily considered the velvety thing she had landed on. She eventually decided it was comfy. Some sort of couch. This was a nice place to sleep. Yes, it was law now: the nap would last forever.

"Ouch," she said again. Oh, right, she was currently engulfed in fire. Soft, snuggly fire. Her nostrils burned with the acrid curse of the sun. Whatever. She'd slept through worse.

She heard someone gasp. Riverrose. "Y-Your Majesty! Where did this futon come from? What are all of these... clothes???" She said it like she wasn't sure what it was. All Luna knew was that they burned and it would be nice if someone else made them go away.

She heard the girl sniff a few times and then start coughing. Luna agreed completely.

"Ouch. Wake me when all this is over," Luna mumbled, and returned to quietly mooing in her sleep. Riverrose sighed and began to move the discarded clothing from atop Luna to atop her cart.