In the Princesses We Trust (All Others Pay Cash)

by Elric of Melnipony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 2844

What do you do when you accidently end up in Equestria and you can't spend the money in your pockets? You go to the Conversion Bureau!

Another day at (and in some cases, away from) one of those most helpful government agencies available to humans who end up in Equestria through no fault of their own. Whatever you have, they'll take it, give you shiny bits in return, and then get your money back to your universe where it belongs! (Why nopony offers to use the field agent portals to send humans home is never discussed, for some reason.)

Published 2019-10-24 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-10-24 00:50:01 UTC

Return to the Conversion Bureau

Minuette charged into the break room, desperate to find anypony with more seniority and/or a higher position on the org chart. The ponies at the microthaum ovens didn't fit that description, and neither did the pony standing at the Cider 'n' Soda vending machine. Finally, she spotted a hint that her search might be over soon: a fruit salad on a table that was next to a bag with "D.E.R.P.Y." on it.

To Minuette's great relief, the owner of that lunch stepped through another door into the break room mere seconds later. Finally! she thought. Somepony who can put an end to this! She trotted over the other mare, so obviously anxious and out of breath that both of the other mare's eyes were focused on her. "Dawn's Eastern Rays --" She paused to draw in a breath.

"...of Perfect Yellow, yes. As I keep saying, 'Derpy' is fine. Or I suppose you can call me 'Muffins'. I expressed some anticipation over eating some one time, and now that's all some ponies can think about in regards to me. But never mind that -- what's wrong? How can I help you?"

"A human asked a question!" gasped Minuette.

"Yes, and?"

"A human asked Moondancer a question!"

"Oh. Where is everypony else?"

"Twilight and Applejack are in Appleloosa setting up the permanent teleport link there. Pinkie went to a human world to put game tokens back into circulation. Dash is doing Wonderbolt stuff. Fluttershy is still out taking care of her animals -- that last batch of fanfic writers they ate went down even worse than usual. Rarity went to Manehattan for lunch. She should be popping back into Room M in about half an hour, but by then it could be too late!"

"Too late?" asked Derpy.

"She asked why so many human countries called their currencies dollars!"

One of the gray mare's eyes flicked over to her fruit salad, as if to reassure herself it was still there. "Okay, let's go."

"Diamond Tiara! Come in! I haven't seen you much since the interview! How have you been?"

"I'm doing fine, Miss Lyra, thank you."

"Still doing part-time work with us?"

"Actually, school just let out for the summer, so I'll be able to put in more hours for a few months."

"That's great. Still learning everything your father hoped you would?"

"Definitely -- and more! I'm having a little trouble understanding a client right now, though."

Lyra winced. Humans. Ick. "Weird, unexplained translation magic still working okay?"

Diamond Tiara nodded. "I think so. But he says he already has a fortune in bit coins. If that's the case, why did he come to us for currency conversion? And why doesn't he have anything to show for it but this piece of paper?"

Lyra studied the paper intently. "Not from any Equestrian bank. So maybe he's saying he had bit coins back on his Earth and they didn't come with him. This number is hardly a fortune, but you know how much gold is worth in a lot of human societies."

"So what do we do, ma'am?"

"Well, since we're not running a store like your father, we can afford the luxury of not needing to verify what he says. Looks like a simple one-for-one situation, so just give him the number of coins it says on this paper. That should make him happy."

"Will do!" Diamond Tiara happily trotted off. As much as she had grown to appreciate helping humans, ponies, and other creatures, she still loved running her hooves over lovely, shiny money. It didn't even matter that she would be giving this human a fairly small amount, either; it satisfied both desires.

The human's scream of anguish when she pushed the small stack of bits across the counter to him was utterly baffling.

"--purity of metal is a concern of course, as anypony with even the slightest training in metallurgy can tell you. At that time, a particular valley in the area most human Earths identify as Germany was renowned for particularly pure silver."

"Oh, god." The human's voice was very quiet.

"The German word for valley is T-H-A-L, pronounced 'thall' in English, but 'tall' in German. Indeed, this is why there exists a debate over how to pronounce the name of your extinct human relatives who were first found by paleontologists in the Neander Valley. Your English language recognizes both variants as acceptable."

"Why won't she stop?"

"I keep hoping that the probability functions of the Throb will swing wildly enough to bring a population of Neanderthals to Equestria, as there would obviously be so much to learn from them. Art, culture, dietary habits, comparative anatomy... there would be so many wonderful lectures to attend!"

"Kill me."

"But I digress. Silver from this particular valley was prized for its purity, and so a coin made from silver mined in that area came to be known as a 'thaller' or 'taller'. Over time, this was corrupted to 'dollar'. The following countries adopted the term 'dollar' for their currency --"

"Moondancer! You can stop!"

Moondancer looked up at Derpy. She then looked back down at the human she had been educating. His left cheek was against the surface of the counter, as was his protruding tongue. Drool was beginning to pool on the counter. His eyes were wide and staring at nothing. His head seemed to somehow be supporting his entire body, as all of his limbs were limp.

Moondancer used her magic to telekinetically place a bag of bits in front of the human's unseeing eyes. "What was it Twilight said I should tell them? Oh, yes: 'Have a nice day!' And come back if you have any more questions!"

The human slid bonelessly to the floor. "Never asking again. Never asking anything ever again."

"So, what can I get for all this?"

"Why does human seek to insult Yona's intelligence?"

"What are you talking about? I just want to get paid like everyone else!"

The yak sniffed disdainfully, blowing most of the man's bits of colored paper onto the floor. "Yona knows this is One-Many money."

"One-Many?"

"Yona thinks human probably calls it 'Mono Poly'. Regardless, Yona can only accept if human is Rich Uncle Pennybags, and human clearly is not."

"Who?"

Yona pushed a small, red card across to the human and used her hoof to tap meaningfully at the little drawing of the man next to the instructions beneath the word "Chance".

"Oh, you mean the Monopoly Guy?"

The yak closed her eyes. "Human's ignorance saddens Yona."

"Hey, now! I've had just about enough of you."

Yona opened her eyes again. "Pronouns very impolite in yak culture, which you would know if you were yak like Yona. But you are not yak, you are human. And unlike vast majority of humans Yona has worked with, you are bad human. You are not good human. You, you, you."

A bubbly voice came from a nearby doorway, where a cheerful hippogriff had stuck her head into view. "Me, me, me?"

The yak looked back at her former classmate and practically snarled. "He, him, his!" she said forcefully, pointing a hoof at the human with each word. Silverstream made a quick exit, and Yona turned back to the human across from her. "Yona gives you until 1,024 to produce negotiable currency, or you will be smear Yona must wash off her hooves."

The human scoffed. "Over a thousand? What kind of threat is that?"

"Yona will count by powers of two, smashbait."

"By what now?"

"Again, your ignorance saddens Yona. Two, four, eight, sixteen, thirty-two..."

Nopony -- or yak -- had ever seen a human move that fast before.

Rarity still hadn't returned, which meant that Dawn's Eastern Rays of Perfect Yellow, a/k/a "Derpy", a/k/a "Muffins" was still the most-senior pony at the bureau office. Rather than making everypony travel all the way to her normal office -- let alone allowing just anypony into her inner sanctum -- she set up shop in the break room. Her bagged lunch was finished, but somepony had found some scones to satisfy her appetite for baked goods, plus she had a cold bottle of Apple Crush fresh from the vending machine. Now all she needed was the parade of ponies with unusual customers to end some time soon.

"Yes, we'll take the casino tokens, but only at face value. None of this 'double or nothing'. Ask the lady with the collection of rare coins to come back tomorrow and let her know one of our field agents is picking up a price guide. We only take home-made cash if it came from Emperor Norton. It did? Okay."

She loved helping other ponies, but this was getting stressful. She turned an eye towards a captioned movie being shown several realities away. The delivery wasn't the same without the audio, but the jokes were still good. At least now her smile would be more authentic.

Far away from Equestria, in a city that strongly resembled Las Pegasus, a Bureau agent prepared to return human currency to circulation. She strode forward confidently, somehow maintaining her grace despite having only half as many legs as she was used to. As she stepped through the curtains separating the entrance hallway from the interior of the entertainment venue, she paused and let onlookers take in the sight, much as she had been doing for ages back home.

She drew the attention of both dancers and audience alike. Indeed, it was actually difficult to not notice the pale woman who stood over six feet tall, in her clingy white dress with just a hint of pink, with all of her golden jewelry, and with her shimmery, multi-colored headband that barely tamed her waist-length platinum blonde hair. Whisperings and mutterings were drowned out by the enthusiastic calls of the women still focused on the dancers, but word was beginning to spread.

"It's her!"

"It's Leslie!"

"It's the good-time princess!"

"Now the party is really going to start!"

The tall woman dug into her overstuffed purse -- golden, just like her shoes, bracelets, anklets, and necklace -- and pulled out a large stack of twenty-dollar bills. "Drinks for all my girls!" she called, and the cheers in response were near deafening.

Celestia didn't understand why the beefy men on stage were so appealing to her while she was in this form, given that she would have dismissed them as little more than shaved minotaurs if she were in her pony body. She also didn't understand why the dancers had collectively named themselves after what Twilight had told her was a style of furniture. But she had a pretty good idea of how to enjoy her retirement, and she was going to keep doing that. Being able to help Equestria at the same time made it all even better.

Equally far from Equestria, in a city not unlike Trottingham, an elderly man sat in a park reading a newspaper. As he lowered the paper so he could more easily turn the page, he stopped, stunned by the woman he saw approaching him.

Her dark skin could have come from anywhere between the southern coasts of the Mediterranean to the southern tip of India. Her large, dark eyes were focused on his, even though his were roaming all over her tight dress of swirling moody blues and deep purple. Her silver jewelry shone in the sunlight, and her long, black hair seemed to be constantly moving in a wind that he didn't feel. Even the incongruous battered gym bag she was carrying didn't take away from her beauty.

She sat down beside him and placed the bag on the bench in between them. "I am Luna," she said, reaching over to open the zipper on the bag, "and this is money."

The man looked down; it was money, all right. He folded his newpaper so he could focus completely on the gorgeous young lady sitting nearby. "Oh, um... so... so it is."

She leaned toward him and spoke as if she were confiding in him. "It has the picture of the correct queen on it this time. You may look."

"It does indeed." He was at a loss for what to say. Why couldn't this -- whatever it was -- have happened when he was decades younger?

"The money is for you. In addition, I wish to reassure you that this is not a trap."

"What? Not a what?"

"A trap. I have no nefarious intentions. I merely wish to transfer these thousands of British pounds to you."

"Why would you say it isn't a trap?"

"Because it is not."

"Isn't that what someone would say if it were a trap?"

She pondered briefly. "Yeeeeees... I suppose so. But rest assured that if I had evil intentions, I would have carried them out already." She smiled. It was no doubt meant to be reassuring, but no matter how lovely she was, something seemed off.

"And you say this is all mine? Just like that?" The man looked around for one of the multitude of security cameras he knew to be in the city, or failing that, a television camera eager to record his humiliation in this strange situation.

"It is. I shall walk away, and I shall leave you the bag, and we shall both be happy."

"Because it isn't some sort of trap."

"Correct."

Despite having only two legs and being easily the equal of Applejack's grandmother in age, the man was able to build up to a decent speed as he fled the mystery woman. The last thing he heard from her, in a bellowing, echoing voice, was "RETURN AND LAY CLAIM TO THIS CURRENCY POSTHASTE, WRETCHED PEASANT!"

Ha! he thought. Not a chance!

Rarity was finally back, which would have meant that everything, everyone, and everypony was her problem now -- except that Twilight and Applejack had just popped through the new cross-country link into Room A, adding yet another permanent teleportation channel to the Ponyville hub. Either way, it was no longer Derpy's responsibility, which meant she could return to the one-mare Preparation Bureau and look for the next mess that the Throb would splatter across the heart of Equestria.

To her annoyance, as soon as she settled down with a toasted bagel to start checking out the planar fluxes, she had to get right back up and hope that Twilight Sparkle hadn't left again.

Twilight addressed the large crowd gathered in the palace in Canterlot. "Loyal citizens and faithful friends of Equestria, thank you for coming. We are here to discuss an issue that concerns us all -- bison, changelings, dragons, griffins, hippogriffs, ponies, seaponies, and yaks. As you know, we have faced many dangers before, both from our world and from others."

Spike inserted himself into Twilight's pause for effect. "We've even faced down fanfic writers together." Assorted sounds of disgust began to fill the hall.

Even Princess Cadance made an unpleasant face. "The worst of those were the ones who completely misinterpreted what the Conversion Bureau was all about."

"Yes," said Rarity, "though the one who mostly got it right but made fun of us at the same time was almost as bad."

As all the creatures nodded to themselves and each other, Fluttershy's quiet voice could be heard. "I hated that guy."

"We all did!" called Rainbow Dash. "As if any of us would go dropping humans out of Cloudsdale to the ground below. That guy was a jerk."

"He was one o' them really meta writers too, weren't he?" asked Applejack. In response, Pinkie Pie made realistic gagging noises.

"Oh, he was so pleased with himself," said Discord, who had just peeled himself out of one of the stained glass windows on the wall. "What? Why is everypony looking at me like that?"

Twilight's voice came blasting into their ears as she attempted to regain control of the meeting with her newly-mastered Royal Canterlot Voice. "REGARDLESS, WE FACE A NEW THREAT. Derpy believes we will soon be invaded by one of the few things worse than a large gathering of fanfic writers: a rampaging horde of habitual fanfic readers."

"What?"

"No!"

"Let me at 'em!"

"Time to sharpen things what ain't ought to be sharpened."

"There goes the neighborhood."

"She says that somewhere out there in some universe, a human has just taken all this down and posted it as if he made it all up. And the first ones to come, the first unwelcome humans who we'll have to herd into Tartarus for their own good, will be the ones who don't like what they're reading here. If they upvote this 'story', they'll be fine. If they downvote it, or even if they fail to vote at all after reading it, then a fate worse than death awaits them at our hooves."

Shining Armor stared at his little sister, disappointment evident on his face. "Subtle, Twily," he said sarcastically. "Really subtle."