You Have Relieved My Distress, Show Me Grace and Hear My Prayer
"Are you sure you'll be alright by yourself?" Twilight laid a hoof on Starlight's shoulder as they stood in the crystal halls, the walls and roof gleaming in pastels in the rising light of the morning.
Starlight rolled her eyes. "Yes, I'll be fine, Mom. I'm a big mare, Twilight. I know it was touch and go for a few weeks, but I'm fine now, alright?"
Twilight stared at her, her mouth set in a thin line that made Starlight feel as if the alicorn could see inside of her soul or was at least attempting it. "Okay. Are you sure? Rarity's coming over to make sure you do your daily meditations and I'll ask your therapist if you went to him when I get back."
Starlight bowed her head. "Yeah, of course. You know I'll do that."
Twilight sighed, scuffed a hoof. "Starlight, I'm sorry, but you are still on probation. I have to enforce some things. You understand that, right?"
Starlight's gaze went down to the floor. "Yeah, I know. Look, I wake up every morning on a comfortable mattress and know what I really deserve is a bed of straw and leaves in the Everfree."
Twilight embraced her. "You don't. Starlight, you're not that Pony anymore. Alright?"
Starlight pressed her cheek to Twilight's. "I'm glad you believe that."
Twilight didn't draw away, keeping her cheek pressed against Starlight's. "I want you to believe it."
At last Starlight drew away, but not by much. "I will. I'm getting better."
Twilight nodded. Spike bounced from the hall, carrying a suitcase which Twilight lifted in her magic. "Alright. Just know the girls will talk to you if you need them."
"Got it."
They embraced once more and Twilight opened the door, trotting out with Spike by her side. The door closed behind her, leaving Starlight completely alone. The crystal walls were beautiful in their pastel coloring, but a chill seeped from them. The roof seemed to be miles above her head and the longer she stared at the vaunted peak, the further it seemed to recede.
The castle was quiet, completely silent. Not like the creaking and groaning of an old, wooden cottage. Not like her study back when she was a mayor where there had never been an absence of sound quite like this. The absence was itself a presence, bearing in on her. Her throat was closing in and she clapped her hoof against the cold floor just to hear something.
The echo of her hoof filled the empty space. But still, it was her hoof. She was completely alone in a castle that was growing larger before her eyes. How many rooms did this place have?
The next second, she was galloping. A spell prevented her from leaving Ponyville proper, but other than that she had the trot of the place. She burst from the doors of the palace into the fresh morning air and continued to race through the grasslands, gentle green stalks cradling her hooves for only a second before she jumped onto the cobblestone road.
She stopped to pant, realized her chest was heaving and that Ponies were giving her some very strange looks. It was no matter. There were other Ponies. That's what was important. She closed her eyes, listened to the clopping of hooves against the road, felt the brush of fur as merchants strode past her. After a while, her breathing calmed and she began to trot into the town proper, past the simple, brightly colored cottages in shades of pinks and blues, greens and yellows. She noted the arched roofs, so different from...her town.
Her breath hitched in her throat before she caught the faint whiff of apples and paused. Applejack and Big Mac, both weighed down with buckets full of the delicious fruit, had strolled up to her. Applejack tipped her hat. "G'mornin' Starlight. How are ya?"
Starlight tapped her hoof on the ground. "I'm..." She trailed off. "I'm fine. I think I'm fine."
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Alright. I gotta get to market."
"I'll come with you. Actually, can I have an apple? I'll pay you back later."
Applejack smirked. "Well, sure. I won't charge ya cause you're Twilight's friend-and mine if you'll have me-but you can help me set up, 'kay?"
"Sure." Starlight snagged an apple, biting into it. The sweet flavor exploded on her tongue and she finished it quickly, discarding it in a wastebasket while they strolled into the center of the village where the merchants were setting up the stalls. Beside Applejack, she lifted up the tent poles and tarp, setting up the stand. She took up the apples and set them next to the barrel Applejack had put on the stand.
Applejack smiled at her. "Thanks Starlight."
Starlight smiled back. "So, um, how's it going on the apple farm?"
The farmer was about to answer when a customer walked up. Starlight asked again and Applejack went on about the recent harvest of carrots. Starlight was about to respond when another customer came up and interrupted again, but that was the point wasn't it? Applejack was at work and Starlight was just tagging along. Starlight stepped away. Applejack offered her a soft smile. "We can talk more later if you'd like."
Starlight tried to smile back at her, but didn't quite manage it. "S-sure Applejack."
Applejack lifted her hoof to wave goodbye to her and Starlight melted into the crowd. Ponies surged all around her. Little fillies and colts hopped alongside their parents of friends on their way to school. Other Ponies browsed through the market stalls. The chattering of voices mixing into an incoherent hum filled the space. Starlight weaved through the crowd. No one greeted her. Was it just her imagination or were they all staring at her? No. No one knew what she had done. It had occurred privately, in the midst of the time stream.
Her chest heaved at the memory, her knees nearly buckling at a surge of revulsion at what she had almost done. Pain too deep for tears welled up in her heart and she bit down on her trembling lip. A golden stallion was definitely staring at her and why shouldn't she, she was having a breakdown and everyone could see it and it was too early to see her therapist. He probably had other patients anyway.
Her hooves trembling, she still forced them to move, forced herself to wind around the other Ponies milling around and why were these so many Ponies out? Did nopony in Ponyville work? The sun inched its way west, several hours before noon. She had reigned in the trembling in her legs and her meandering had led her to a gingerbread house. She blinked and wondered if she would ever get used to the strange facade behind which the local bakery operated. In her town, such decadent opulence...
When she bit her lip this time she tasted blood. Good. She bit slightly harder until the pain was too much. It wasn't less than what monsters like her deserved. She pressed a hoof to the door and the sweet scent of baking bread invited her inside. She rejected the invitation, stepping away. Just like with Applejack, it was doubtful Pinkie would want to talk either and that apple had filled her up.
She stepped away from the door, back onto the street and into the anonymity of the herd which had begun to thin out. Ponies were finishing their shopping and going off to their businesses. A few naughty colts and fillies playing hooky (hard to do in this town) were scampering off to school beneath the watchful eyes of their elders.
Starlight watched the Ponies going about their lives-lives she was not apart of. Her chest started to heave again, her throat feeling tight as the herd thinned out. Trotting on the cobblestone, going where it led her between the cottages before soon led her back to where she'd started. The crystal castle, jagged with its crystalline peaks loomed before her.
She entered, stepped her hooves onto the chilly floor. She was fine. Tears were welling in her eyes and she blinked them away as she started to pace. Back and forth, making a game of it. Her path took her into a complete circle, but she continued to walk. Empty rooms were on either side of her. She brought her hooves down hard just to hear the clap. Every time she stopped, the loudness of the silence threatened to crush her so she just continued to trot, galloping up the stairs and into her room.
Settling onto the bed, she floated over a dusty tome. A book of advanced spells and magical theory. Normally, she could focus for hours. Normally, the words on the book would stay still. The silence was distracting her. Even if she couldn't usually hear it, there was normally Spike or Twilight's presence which she could even feel as a gentle pressure on her horn as she sensed their magical signatures.
And every time either of them went out, she was always volunteering to go out with them. She tried to focus on the words and they swam before her eyes. The silence was familiar, only the creak of wood absent. This was a deeper silence than even that silence. Her still stinging lip trembled and, with a sudden burst of fury, she flung the book. It slammed against the wall and crashed to the floor.
Resting her head in her hooves, she wondered what was wrong with her. Twilight and Spike probably thought that she was too clingy. This trip to Canterlot was just a way of getting away from her for a little while.
Tears finally came free. They were probably going back to House Sparkle just to get away from her lunacy. They wouldn't come back for her. The sheets were soft to her side. Only a crystal wall greeted her sight. The crystal surrounded her and she wondered if crystal was alive. It was said that the crystal of the firmament sang as the sun, moon and planets rotated around the the world.
Some scholars claimed to have heard the singing of the spheres, but Starlight was not one of them though she had tried on clear nights. Leaving the bed, she pressed her ear to the cool wall. The crystal did not sing. There was only that grim silence.
Stamping out of her room, she pushed open the door. The pastel stairs led downwards. She stood at the head of the stairs. The theater. She could go to the theater. There was plenty of sound at the theater. She wouldn't hear the silence then.
But she would see the staring. She swished her tail, turned away from the stairs and the door that led outward into town and the judgmental stairs that she knew they were giving her.
They all knew. How could they not know? But taking the path back to her room, staying in the castle, meant only the torment of the silence and the loneliness.
Would Twilight and Spike come back? They had to, this was where they lived. Or was that her punishment? A castle all to herself, but complete loneliness and outside the burning stares reminding her of unatoned for sins.
Her breaths came out in short bursts. Ponies left in her life. They left and didn't come back. Sunburst...no, not just Sunburst.
The short ragged breaths felt as if they would soon burst her lungs, but the meditation techniques every single Unicorn knew would not come to her. Through shivering breaths, she attempted a chant in the High Speech. Something to calm her mind. The tears were now flowing freely.
No, Sunburst was not the first one she'd lost. She'd wanted to make sure he was going to be the last. But now her village was gone and...she slumped onto her belly and wondered what was wrong with her and why was this palace so silent?
"Quiet!" The memory of what she'd shouted to Twilight came unbidden to her mind and the tears came quicker now, her breaths coming out in quick, heaving sobs. The voices clawed at her mind. Loser, loser, you're so pathetic.
"Shut up, shut up!" She screeched at the voices.
The voices persisted. "She's going to leave you too. They all leave in the end. Haven't you learned that by now?"
The voices drove her into curling into a ball, holding herself like her mother had once held her when she had been a foal before the darkness had taken her just like it would later take Sunburst.
Shivering broke out all over her body and she found herself prostrate in a position generally used in prayer or an act of extreme reverence, her horn touching the floor. Twilight flashed into her mind. She remembered the darkness that had driven her to awful acts, that burned, ruined world that her anger had made. Bitter salt flooded her mouth, her tears dripping down to her lips.
She remembered Twilight stretching out a hoof, giving her a second chance. One more chance than she actually deserved.
Throughout Equestria's chattering, arguing, strife-filled religious traditions, one thing was at least agreed upon, the Divine nature of Alicorns like Celestia and Luna. Even Cadence had her devotees. But Twilight?
Twilight wasn't here, physically, but would she still hear her?
"Twilight..." She whispered, closing her eyes. "The darkness is back..." Her voice broke into sobs. "Twilight please, please hear me, the darkness is trying to take me again, I need you..."
The sorrow was too much for her and the prayer broke off into incoherent sobbing. "Twilight, you've been kinder to me than I deserve...please, hear me, please...please bring me back to the light..."
Purple feathers encompassed her before her prayer was even over. Her eyes sprang open. Twilight was there before her, holding her, an expression of compassion that was more than Equine on her face. Starlight said nothing, nor did Twilight. She only buried her face into the Alicorn's chest, wept. Twilight cradled her like she was a foal, side by side, her forelegs and wings wrapped around her and nuzzling away her tears.
It was a few moments before Starlight was even able to speak, but she didn't leave Twilight's embrace and Twilight didn't let her go. "I-I'm sorry. Y-you just wanted to visit your parents and i-it's the first time you even trusted me alone in the castle and I just fell to pieces and how did you even hear me?"
"I'm not even sure. I just...got the strong sensation that you were hurting. Psychic bond between teacher and student or maybe...you prayed to me didn't you?"
Starlight rested her face in the crook of Twilight's neck. "Yeah."
A blush spread over Twilight's face, but she stroked Starlight's mane. "Starlight, I don't mind you doing that. Just know I'm nowhere near Celestia or Luna just like they're nowhere near the High Gods in terms of wisdom or compassion."
"That doesn't matter to me. You're important to me. But I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to have come. I shouldn't fall apart like this." She moved away from her, but Twilight pulled her back into her embrace.
"Listen, Starlight, you're important to me too. Never apologize when you need someone. But, would you like to tell me what happened?"
Starlight was suddenly aware of the sweet, soothing smell of tea. Jasmine.
The clacking of infantile draconic claws rapped the floor. "So, the tea is done." Spike tapped his claws together. "Is she alright?"
Twilight glanced at her student. "Are you?"
"I'm better."
"Want to go into the kitchen?"
Starlight nodded against her fur and Twilight stood, laid a wing over Starlight's back when she stood and trailed into the kitchen, Starlight leaning into her side.
Like a foal with her mother, Twilight thought. It wasn't the first time she'd noted her student's more foalish traits. Separation anxiety didn't surprise her too terribly. Spike hopped off the table after laying a silver tea pot and two rose-decorated tea cups and out of the kitchen, even if he gave Starlight a look. Starlight slouched in her chair while Twilight poured the tea.
Twilight lifted the cup to her lips with her magic, sipped it. "Starlight, you don't have to tell me. I'd like it if you did, I'd like it very much, because I'm worried about you. But I'm not going to make you."
Starlight lifted her own cup. It trembled slightly, but she steadied her aura and brought it to her lips. "Remember how I told you about Sunburst?"
Twilight nodded, but kept silent.
Starlight steadied herself. A few drops of tea splashed onto the table and, cursing, she patted them up with a napkin. "That wasn't the whole story."
Twilight set aside the tea cup and patted her shoulder. "I know it isn't Starlight, but I was waiting for you to tell me."
Starlight's eyes widened. "How could you possibly know that?"
"I figured there was more to the story due to how much trauma you seem to have experienced."
Starlight took a deep breath, steadied herself. "When I was a foal-only four-" Her voice shook. "My mama died."
Twilight gasped. "Oh, Starlight, I'm so sorry." She reached out her hoof, but Starlight batted it away.
"No, Twilight. It's okay. That was a long time ago, I'm okay now."
Twilight fixed her with a stare. "Are you sure about that?"
Starlight released a heavy breath. "There's even more." Her voice broke away and Twilight rubbed her shoulder. This time Starlight didn't reject the affection. "My dad had to work a lot. So, I was alone after school in a big, empty house." Shivers broke out over her body. "Sunburst would come over and I'd have someone. After he left? No one. I was just alone." She laid her head on the table.
Twilight lit her horn, ran magic through Starlight's mane. "That must have been hard for you."
Starlight suddenly sobbed. "Tw-Twilight, d-don't do th-that. D-don't put your aura on me like that."
Twilight stopped immediately. "I'm sorry."
"Mama used to do that."
"Mine too." Twilight stood, trotted around the table and laid a wing on Starlight's back.
After a few seconds, Starlight's sobs died down. "You wanna know what color Mama's coat was? Lavender. Your shade."
"S-Starlight..."
She lifted her head, tears once more falling down her cheeks. "When we were fighting and you started talking me down, it was so stern, but gentle. Loving. Motherly. Like the way Mama used to talk me out of a tantrum. She could calm me and I'd end up...I'd end up just giving in and ending up asleep in her aura." She shook. "For a moment, I thought you were her."
Twilight shook her head. "I'm so sorry. I have psychology training. There are certain gestures, certain tones of voice you can use to talk somepony down. The thing is, parental transference can occur. I never meant to do that."
"Don't apologize, I needed it."
"It can trick the subconscious mind into thinking the Pony is talking to their mother. Starlight I never would have done that if I'd have known."
Starlight leaned into her. "I needed it. I was behaving like a foal only worse." Then, she drew away. "But you can't be my mother. That's not fair to you, I'm a grown mare. Speaking of mothers, aren't your parents going to be worried about you?"
Twilight kept her wing over Starlight's withers as if afraid her student was going to break without the physical support. "I asked Spike to send them a letter. Princess business."
Starlight smirked. "Listening to my ranting is princess business?"
"It must be considering all the times Celestia listened to my ranting."
Starlight snorted, broke into peals of laughter. Then she moved close against Twilight's side. "When I was alone today in the castle, it felt like being a filly again. Scared and alone in a big empty house. After Sunburst, I was just so alone Twilight."
Twilight nuzzled her. "You're not alone anymore." She licked away one of Starlight's tears.
Starlight sniffled. "I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because I'm happy." She pressed her muzzle against Twilight's. "Because I'm not alone anymore. Because, you came for me. I was so scared you weren't going to come back." A shudder passed through her. "Just like Mama. Just like Sunburst."
"I would never have not come back for you. Not on purpose."
Starlight smiled through her tears. "I know that now. Thank you."
Twilight pressed against her side. "But if you didn't want to be alone in the castle, why not go out in town?"
Starlight lifted her cup, drained the rest of her tea. "I did. I was just..."She sighed. "Alright, I've embarrassed myself plenty today. Not like there's anything left of my pride. I thought everyone was looking at me."
Twilight nodded. She floated over her own tea, sipped it. "Nopony except me, Spike and the girls know about what happened. If you give the Ponies in this town a chance, they'll give you a chance. And if anypony starts something? They have me to talk to." She lifted her chin, straightened her back. "I won't let anypony mistreat you. You have my promise."
Starlight set aside her teacup. "I think I'm going to be alright."
"Are you sure?"
Starlight sighed, then smiled again. "Ya know what? I think I will. So long as I know you're here for me."
Twilight ran her wing down Starlight's back. "I can stay if you need me to."
Starlight shook her head. "I mean it, Twilight. I'm alright now. "
Twilight frowned. "Okay. It'll be a while before my train comes back, so I can spend some time with you."
"Are you sure? I...I feel kind of bad." Starlight was cut off by Twilight placing a hoof to her lips.
"Starlight, I want to help you, remember? Don't feel bad about needing help. So, what would you like to do?"
She looked away. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything."
Starlight shuffled a hoof. "I, um, actually would like a sundae over at Sugarcube Corner. I wanted to go, but..."
Twilight trotted away and into the kitchen. "Hey, Spike! We're going to Sugarcube Corner. Want to come?"
The answer must have been yes because when Twilight trotted out into the kitchen, Spike was astride her back. Starlight trailed after the pair as they stepped out into the bright, sunny day. They stepped onto the cobblestone, the clop of their hooves mixing with the chirping of birds, the cobblestone road winding between the brightly colored cottages of Ponyville. Starlight stopped, sighed, shook her head. Then she felt a touch on her shoulder. "What's wrong?"
Starlight continued to walk. "It's nothing."
"No, it's something." Twilight broke into a prance to keep up with her. "You can't keep this stuff to yourself."
Starlight felt her teeth graze her lip, then Twilight gasped when she saw it. "Don't do that to yourself!"
She turned away. "It's what I deserve."
"No, it isn't! You're trying to be better. Don't do that! Please tell me what's bothering you."
Starlight whirled around, started to gallop down the road, but Twilight launched into the air and caught up with her, landing in front of her. The argument had caught the attention of several Ponies out on their daily errands who were trying-and failing-to look as if they weren't staring.
Twilight grabbed her student by the shoulders, cast a noise silencing spell. "You've apologized. You've made amends. You're serving a sentence of probation and you're going to therapy. You're trying not to be the Pony you were. So, don't hurt yourself."
Starlight turned away. "If you say so."
Twilight let her go. "What was that about?"
"In my town, you didn't see such brightly colored houses. You saw it. Everything was drab and grey. I took so much joy from others and even from my own self."
Twilight took her hoof. "You weren't really living then. You were allowing your bitterness to rob you of happiness."
"And bringing other Ponies into it."
"You realize that now. That's important." She grinned. "You have a ton of catching up to do. Better start now."
"Wha-hey!"
She was nearly bowled over as Twilight grabbed her and ran. Starlight let go and both pounded the stone, the sheer exhilarating, deeply instinctual thrill and pure joy of running with her small herd overtaking everything else. They raced each other, Twilight always slightly ahead. Starlight surged ahead, her legs striking stone, using the momentum to run ahead till she was neck and neck with Twilight. Spike clung on for dear life, but laughed, even he caught up in the thrill.
Starlight's lungs were burning, but pure adrenaline flooded her veins as she strove to go past Twilight, but Twilight simply pranced ahead. They galloped through the marketplace, whooshing around the browsing customers, Twilight shouting hurried apologies. Starlight lept into the air, but Twilight was already ahead of her. She spun around suddenly and dizziness washed over Starlight as she sharply turned and rushed after her.
Their running brought them to Sugarcube Corner. Both grinned at each other and galloped towards the door, bursting into the shop at the same time. Starlight panted, but she could feel her heart pounding against her chest. She felt alive.
Twilight shook out her mane and pranced into the bakery, Starlight following after.Twilight winked at her. "You might've missed out on a lot. Don't miss out on anymore."
Starlight smiled back at her. "You're right. I won't."
Side-by side, they strolled up to the counter. Pinkie greeted them in her enthusiastic way and Starlight ordered a sundae, Twilight ordering a fritter and Spike a jewel cup. They took their treats and sat down at a booth. Starlight took a sip of the treat and the sweet flavor nearly took her breath away. Back in Our Town, there had been equality, but no flavor, no life.
The chattering of happy voices, the enticing aroma of sweets...all had been absent there. All so...all so she wouldn't be alone.
"I knew Pinkie's treats were good, but I've never seen anyone cry over them." Spike chomped on a topaz.
Twilight munched on her fritter. "Starlight?"
"I'm fine, Twilight." She continued sipping her sundae. For first time in a long time, she found it to be true. She wasn't alone anymore, her mentor across from her and a whole town full of new Ponies to open her heart too.
Author's Note
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5TqknwHP68&list=PLHlv_iWa3p7sVyvHWwxYOrfC5DjwwC9Q7&index=52
