A Tangled Web We Weave

by BellChime

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spoiled Rich, Random, Diamond Tiara, Thriller, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Filthy Rich
Length: 6497

"It was unavoidable." "No, it was not."

"Oh! What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive..."
Reformation isn't always easy. Just because Diamond Tiara's nice now doesn't mean she doesn't have any screw ups.
Because if she didn't, absolutely none of this would have happened.

Published 2019-10-24 21:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-03-28 01:30:27 UTC

The Summons

Author's Note

I was told the original circumstances of Golden Sands were too dark. So I altered them.

The Summons

Knock, knock, went a silvery gray hoof on the door to the front entrance of the Rich residence one fine sunny morning shortly after Princess Celestia and Princess Luna's retirement.

Filthy Rich, who was working on Barnyard Bargains finances, got up quite unassumingly and opened the door to come face to face with three ponies: The silvery gray hoof's owner, an earth pony stallion, flanked by a pegasus mare and a rather young and awkward looking unicorn stallion.

But none of that was important.

The important part was that they wore police uniforms.

"Is this the Rich residence?" Asked the silvery gray earth pony, who, judging by his seniority and the fact that he was in the center, was the leader.

Filthy Rich, as was to be expected to be confronted by 3 policemen, was rather surprised and confused. "Yes..." Why do you want to know? His surprised and confused face silently asked.

The lead police pony cut to the point: "My name is Silver Cuffs. Were you in Canterlot two days ago on business?"

"...Yes. Why?"

"Were you in the home of one Miss Golden Sands?"

"...Yes. I don't-"

"An hour after you left, Miss Golden Sands was found guilty of some major embezzlement charges. I'm afraid you are a suspected accomplice, due to your forging close ties with her recently."

Filthy Rich's eyes widened. "I assure you, I had no clue that she was being dishonest in any-"

"Now, Rich, we didn't say you did. But you need to come with us to Canterlot so we can ask you some questions. Shouldn't take more then a few days."

Filthy Rich still looked worried.

"It was a huge scam." Silver Cuffs continued. "In the past hour alone there's been a government shut down, thousands of tax forms have been found fraudulent...her business empire has been brought to a screeching halt, thousands of innocent ponies out of job...heavy, heavy stuff. That's why we're taking it so seriously."

There was a pause as Filthy Rich considered. Then he faced the three officers, sat down on his haunches, and offered out his forehooves.

Silver Cuffs nodded and motioned to his pegasus partner, who used her right wing to produce a pair of silver cuffs, like the ones for which he was named.

But then, before he could clip on the hoof cuffs, a pink blur zipped into his vision.

"What the-" Began Filthy Rich and Silver Cuffs.

"You can't take my Daddy away!" Diamond Tiara whined. "He's innocent! He doesn't deserve to be petrifiiieeed!!!"

Filthy blushed a deep crimson before turning to glare down at his daughter. "Diamond Tiara, I thought you were up doin' your homework! How long have you been spyin'?"

Now it was Diamond Tiara's turn to blush. "Oh, well, you know-"

Though ever since Diamond Tiara's miraculous change of heart thanks to the cutie mark crusaders, she had become much more manageable. Filthy Rich was beginning to take a firmer stand in parenting, but even now he was still generous enough to leave things as they were.

Thus, it was Silver Cuffs who ratted her out. "I wondered what that pink hoof was sticking
out from under that table was doing..."

He narrowed his eyes at Diamond Tiara.

Filthy Rich, with this new information, narrowed his eyes at his daughter even more. "Diamond Tiara, what have I told you about spyin' on me when I'm doing business!?"

"I can't help it!" Diamond Tiara excused herself. "I must pacify my insatiable curiosity!"

"Diamond, I'm going to have to ask you to leave now," Filthy Rich muttered.

Diamond Tiara stomped her hoof. "No! I wanna hear what they have to say!"

"It does not concern you," Silver Cuffs retorted. "Please let me do my job and-"

"Listen, buster." Diamond Tiara interrupted. "I don't know what you want, but I know my Daddy, and I know he would never do that stuff to anypony! So butt out and go arrest somebody else!"

Silver Cuffs, who was very grumpy from traveling all the way from Canterlot and not good with children (much less bratty children) even on his best days, had gone from rather annoyed to actually angry.

"Little girl, obstructing a police officer is a crime!" He snapped.

"Y-Yes, Diamond Tiara," Agreed Filthy Rich, who was currently experiencing a cocktail of embarassment, fear, and annoyance, "Please just let the police ponies do their jobs. Please?"

"But you're innocent!"

Filthy, catching the expressions on Silver Cuffs and his two partners, cleared his throat, straightened his posture, and declared, "Now, Diamond Tiara Rich The Second! You are being very foolish right now-"

"You're the fool!" Diamond Tiara howled, her face bright red and tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. "Don't you know what they do to criminals?! They turn 'em to stone! STONE!"

"Diamond Tiara, I am not going to be turned to stone. Now I suggest you hush up or I will put Randolf on break for a week. Yes, I am absolutely serious."

Diamond Tiara gasped. No Randolph meant...

"Diamond Tiara, straighten your posture!"

"Diamond Tiara, come here and practice sitting still while Mommy does her make-up!"

"Diamond Tiara, is it true that you were associating with the Cutie Mark Cavorters again?!"

Diamond Tiara, I don't know what's come over you! I've taught you this many times; friendship doesn't get you places, but the right connections do!"

"Mommy's going to keep her perfect little gem shiny-clean, or I'm not Spoiled Rich!"

This isn't possible! Daddy knows how Mother is! All this stress about being turned to stone must be getting to him. Ugh...a week alone with Mother...

She stared pleadingly up at her father, but his stern stare was unwavering.

Then, seeing that reasoning with her father was going nowhere, Diamond Tiara turned around and galloped up the stairs, making sure to bang down on the steps as hard as she could, so that police would know how much of a disturbance they had caused. She also was in a rush to bring in the last resorts. Desperate times call for desperate measures... She thought grimly.

The police and her father watched her go silently. For the police ponies, it was a happy silence, because now there was nothing stopping them doing what they came here for. With Filthy Rich, it was bittersweet, sweet because asserting himself over Diamond Tiara was still no mean feat; bitter because he hated to see her so upset. But not bitter enough to give in to her demands.

He cleared his throat awkwardly, deciding that there was no point in delaying.

"Sorry about that, gents." He said. "Would you like to come in for a drink so I can inform my wife and my servants of the situation?"

Silver Cuffs squinted at him. "Er...I guess it would be OK, as long as you're cuffed..."

The Mother

Diamond took a deep breath. She could do this. She didn't have to, but she would. For Daddy's sake. For his own good. Even if he didn't really agree with her methods, the cold hard facts were simply that she was right, and he was wrong. And she would do anything to help.

She currently was standing on the second floor of her family's mansion, facing an impressive set of double doors, which were the only thing standing between her and the one pony who could possibly make or break this problem.

She knocked.

"What?!" A rather grumpy, snooty sounding voice answered immediately, just as Diamond had expected, in just the tone she had expected, too.

Diamond once again steeled herself. "Mother? May I come in?"

There was a pause as Diamond's mother considered.

Diamond held her breath and bit her lip-

"This had better be important, Diamond Tiara." Spoiled Rich responded, after what seemed like forever. "I have a party to attend in less then an hour."

"Oooh, it is." Diamond answered hurriedly, happy for once that she had a problem so important, even Mother couldn't brush it aside.

"Well, come in, and make it snappy!" Diamond gulped at the amount of sheer annoyance in her mother's tone. Her mother had a variety of tones that conveyed said emotion; ranging from slightly inconvenienced to supremely irritated, and it seemed that currently, Spoiled was in the latter end of the spectrum. It must be an important party, indeed.

Still, she was glad that Spoiled was paying attention to her-though she was still dreading the possibility of Spoiled not listening to her, or worse, offering up an insubstantial solution, which seemed to be happening more and more lately, due to she and her mother becoming more and more idealistically opposed.

Diamond tentatively pushed the door open and soon spotted her mother at her vanity, with a vast number of beauty products out and opened. The dress she wore was downright decadent.

Wow, it really must be an important party...

Trotting lightly around the large, luxurious canopy bed, she stopped right behind Spoiled and considered the angle of which she should introduce the situation.

Before she could, though, Spoiled took notice of her presence and gave her a 'I don't have all day' look through the mirror.

Realizing her time was very limited, Diamond Tiara's explanation was rapid and disorganized: "There are some police who think Daddy was doing bad business or something and he's just going along with them even though I know he totally didn't do it and when I told him to be smart he totally blew me off!"

Creak!

Spoiled whipped around. Shock and horror were written all over her face. "Diamond, you should've just come to me in the first place. Mommy will call her best lawyer and-"

"Is that the one who's always getting sued?"

Spoiled's eyes flashed. "Don't interrupt, Diamond Tiara! And not another word about Mr. Howe! He is a very prestigious attorney and he always wins his cases."

Diamond's face crumpled with confusion. "How does that work? Does he only take cases he knows are innocent, or-"

"I said be quiet! Someone's been neglecting her Etiquette lessons. Now let Mommy handle this!"

Diamond thought. On one hoof, getting a good lawyer seemed to be the first step, seeing as, from what little Diamond understood, the duty of a lawyer was, essentially, to stop ponies from being punished. And Spoiled seemed eager to spare no expense in exonerating Filthy. But was a lawyer who was in court as a client as much as he was a defender really the right lawyer for someone innocent like her father?

Innocent. Any sane pony could tell that her father was innocent. But as the police ponies at the front door had proved, some people in the justice business just were not sane.

But despite Mr. Howe's rather spotty reputation, he did have an impressive clientele, with a prosperous firm. (Shared with Dewey and Cheatum, two other attorneys). Mr. Howe, as his slogan said, got the job done.

But would relying on Mother's slimy lawyer just defile Filthy's besmirched name even more? That was the question on Diamond's mind. And anyway, Mr. Howe seemed to specialize in exonerating ponies of bogus tax returns and stock market fraud. (That was mostly the stuff he was paid to represent Spoiled on, anyway).

Besides, Diamond Tiara was beginning to suspect her mother was not as much of a saint in the enigmatic world of stock shares and taxes as she claimed. Since Diamond Tiara, as a relatively young, naive foal, could not comprehend the idea of a defense attorney who defended client of unknown innocence, she decided that meant Mr. Howe must either be a bad lawyer or an incompetent one who didn't know his clients well, and thus would only get Daddy in more trouble.

But I don't know any lawyers other then Mother's and his partners! Mr. Dewey does stuff with ponies getting hurt, and I just don't like the sound of Mr. Cheatum! There's no way I can find a good lawyer and prove my Daddy's innocence in time! Unless...

She gave Spoiled Rich her sweetest, most innocent 'dutiful daughter' look. "Yes, mother."

"Hm?" Spoiled Rich, while her daughter was intensely pondering, had resumed putting make up, ten times faster then before.

"I will do as you say, dear Mother." Diamond Tiara's voice and smile could not have been sweeter, silkier, or faker.

"Well." Spoiled sounded pleased, and turned around to give Diamond a genuine smile. "Perhaps somepony has been paying attention to her etiquette lessons. Run along, now. Tell Randolf that I will let you have a few bits to do as you please with. Just don't go to Sugarcube corner...don't want to risk you mixing with the riff-raff..."

Diamond Tiara's already fake smile became a bit faker. "Yes, mother."

"Good filly. I'm glad to see you're beginning to shake off the influence of those Cuties Mark Crutons, or whatever it is they call themselves-"

(The corners of Diamond Tiara's lips began to tremble the effort of maintaining the smile)

"-Well, Tata, my perfect little gem!" (How Diamond was beginning to loathe that pet name!) And with one last look at her face, Spoiled Rich hurried off to arrange an appointment with Mr. Howe post-haste.

As the little filly watched her mother leave, her innocent 'cutesy' smile vanished, replaced by a much more serious, contemplative one.

She took off, and barely managed to round the corner as Filthy Rich, Silver Cuffs, and the two others came up the stairs.

Saving Daddy was going to take some finesse...and some help...and a whole lot of magic...

The Clubhouse

A little while later, that same fine Saturday morning, a certain red-headed farm filly was skipping merrily through her family's apple orchard, having the time of her life. Besides her was the Apple Family's loyal family hound, Winona. They weren't playing any particular game-just running for the sake of it, taking in the smells, the gentle summer morning sunlight on their pelts, the soft breeze through their hair and fur respectively...

Actual activities could be thought of later. For now, it was good enough to be outside, alive, and unburdened by responsibilities.

Yes, it was difficult to figure out how this blissful day could possibly go-

CRASH!

Apple Bloom stumbled back dizzily. Her forehead throbbed. She closed her eyes in pain and disorientation while Winona growled at the pony she crashed into.

"Nice, doggy. Good, doggie. Let me talk to Apple Bloom and I'll buy you some hair things?" Diamond Tiara asked.

Winona growled a bit more loudly.

"Winona hates hair things-" Apple Bloom opened her eyes and saw who it was. "Diamond Tiara? What-"

Diamond Tiara, upon seeing Apple Bloom somewhat recovered, immediately darted past Winona and pulled her to her feet.

"It's an emergency!" Diamond Tiara exclaimed, their faces close together. "I need your help! Meet me at your clubhouse!"

"Ugh," Apple Bloom pulled away rubbed her head. "Yer Tiara hurts," She responded woozily.

Diamond cringed a bit as she realized that her pointy head gear must have been digging into Apple Bloom's brow in their head to head.

"Oops...uh, sorry 'bout that-but we need to hurry. Bring your potion supplies."

Now despite Diamond Tiara's personality makeover, she had never been particularly close to any of the crusaders, and at the mention of 'potion supplies' Apple Bloom had grown a bit suspicious.

"Why do you-" Her eyes rested on Diamond Tiara's bulging saddlebags. "What do you?"

"PLEASE!" Apple Bloom reeled back as Diamond Tiara grabbed her face and pulled it close to hers once more. "It's really serious! It's an emergency!"

"Well..." Apple Bloom could never say no to a filly in need, nor an emergency. "OK. Want me to grab Sweetie Belle and Scoots? Is it a cutie mark problem?"

Diamond Tiara thought for a moment. "Sure. We may need them. But HURRY! My father's freedom hangs in the balance!"

"OK, OK, got it! Ah'll rush. Meet ya there?"

"Perfect. Perfect." Diamond nodded hurriedly. "Seeya!"

And with that, the two fillies took of in opposite directions, with poor Winona utterly torn between following her young mistress to town, or the intruder to the Cutie Mark Crusader Headquarters.

***

"This is, without a doubt, the most spoiled little brat I've ever encountered in my entire career!" Said Silver Cuffs.
"I recommend you chain her in the basement and feed her nothing but gruel until she learns to behave!"
Diamond Tiara, the beautiful, brave, caring and selfless filly sniffled tragically. Everything is just so tragic! She thought. "But sir, you can't just execute my father because he MIGHT have done it! That's not fair! I can't live without him!"
Silver Cuffs sneered nastily. "Well, that's too bad!"
Filthy Rich, who was secretly impressed by his amazing daughter's unbreakable spirit in the face of this supreme meany pants, but for some reason didn't take the easy solution and slam the door in Silver Cuff's face, said, "Diamond, please go to your room."
Diamond cried the whole way up the stairs.

***

"Wow." Said Scootaloo. "That Silver Cuffs guy sounds mean alright."
"So your dad is just going to let himself be turned to stone?" Sweetie Belle asked. "No offense, Diamond Tiara, but that's...kinda...well...dumb."
Diamond glared at her former rival. "Daddy's not dumb. The police are dumb for making him act mean to me." She paused thoughtfully. "Well, actually those other two other ponies seemed pretty cool. They understood. But Silver Cuffs, the leader, wouldn't let 'em let Daddy go like he deserved!"
"He should be fired!" Declared Scootaloo, who had gotten quite caught up in Diamond's tale and the energy and passion she told it in.
"Somethin' about this story doesn't seem right." Said Apple Bloom. "Are ya positive he actually said that part about the basement an' the gruel?"
"Oh, definitely," Diamond answered. She had already forgotten most of the encounter except A) She had been completely, totally right and B) Silver Cuffs was a meanie who only didn't listen to her because she was a little girl. "It's called police brutality, Apple Bloom. You know what that is, don't you? It's when policemen are brutally rude to sweet little girls like me."
That didn't sound quite like police brutality to Apple Bloom, but before she could speak up, Sweetie was talking.
"It sounds really awful Diamond Tiara," She said. "But what do you want us to do?"
"Well...so I heard about that adventure when you turned into adults...?"
The crusaders all gaped in unison. The fear was in their eyes. They had learned their lesson and learned their lesson well.
"I need you to turn me into an adult." Diamond continued.
The crusaders' jaws hit the floor in unison.
"Please! Kids aren't allowed to be lawyers! They'll never let me represent Daddy if I look the way I am right now!"
"...What?"
"Oh please please please please please I know that you screwed up when you did it but this is important! My Daddy means the world to me!"
"OK, first of all...we can't really turn you into an adult,"
Diamond clasped her forehooves together. "But the time when you-"
"Magic wishing flower." Sweetie said. "And all the wishes are gone."
"Dagnabbit!" Diamond Tiara grunted. "OK, OK, but..." She pointed at Apple Bloom's potion supplies, dutifully delivered and spread out on the clubhouse floor, "What about Apple Bloom's potions?! Apple Bloom, there has to be something that can make me bigger!"
Apple Bloom, who had, like her sister, found it more and more difficult to lie the more time that passed, just blushed and fiddled with her bow.
"There is?!" Diamond Tiara asked, grinning hugely. "Oooh! Thank you thank you thank you!" She hugged Apple Bloom tightly. "I knew I could count on you! Name your price." She unloaded a single saddlebag and tossed it on the ground.
"Wow!" Scootaloo gasped. "Give us a moment to think-" Her excited rambling was cut short by a pale yellow hoof shoved into her mouth.
"Hold on, hold on-" Apple Bloom said, removing the hoof once she was sure Scootaloo was silenced all the way- "So let's say I can figure somethin' out. You really think ya can become a lawyer quick enough to represent somepony in court?"
"I don't know," Diamond Tiara answered cheerfully, "But I'd love to learn! All for a good cause, of course."
"Hmmm..." Apple Bloom wasn't convinced. "Ummm...so your Dad's OK with this?"
"Not exactly. But if we do it right, he won't have to know 'til it's all over!"
"I thought that you had have your client in court with you during the trial," Sweetie cocked her head.
"Eh...probably. But I'll become such a good lawyer, that I'll take care of it."
"Well, I'm sold!" Said Scootaloo cheerfully. "Sounds epic! Let's do this!"
"If it's for a good cause..." ventured Sweetie Belle.
"Wait, wait, wait." Said Apple Bloom. "Diamond, I think it's noble 'n all of you to wanna help yer Dad, but Ah'm just not sure it's gonna work. Ya said he doesn't know what yer up to, right? What's he gonna say when ol' Silver Cuffs drags him ta Canterlot and finds you in your adult self?"
Diamond Tiara rubbed the back of her head awkwardly.
"Do you guys know what a smart house is?"
Sweetie shook her head, Apple Bloom nodded vaguely, Scootaloo nodded eagerly.
Diamond took a deep breath and removed a small green gem from her other saddlebag.
"OK. It's a super new magitech that Princess Twilight got from some other dimension with primates instead of ponies...uh...well. It lets you lock your doors an control your temperature, all with the tap of a hoof. It's a pretty new invention, and it's not actually on the market yet, but Princess Twilight gave my Daddy a special prototype. You control it with this little magic rock here." Diamond tapped said rock, and a hologram screen opened with various symbols, buttons, and charts.
"So. Cool!" Scootaloo exclaimed.
"You can keep your house completely secure with the tap of a hoof." Diamond Tiara said. "But they haven't figured out how to not let someone exploit that..."

***

Silver Cuffs, using all his earth pony strength and years of police training, bucked against the walls of Filthy Rich's mansion. But Princess Twilight's potent enchantments were stronger.
"STUPID! DANG! MAGITECH!" He screamed. "Mrs. Rich, you checked the control stone, right?"
"Certainly not," Was the prim response. "Randolf!"
"It's gone. Someone musta bucked it out." Randolf explained.
"H-Hey, c-calm down boss..." Flashing Lights put in timidly. "Maybe someone will hear us and let us out."
Filthy Rich cleared his throat nervously. "Umm, actually..."

***

"The smart house also lets you mute outside noises to help you sleep," Diamond smiled shyly. "It also lets you mute inside noises..."

***

"L-Like if you want to do something loud, without bothering the neighbors." Filthy Rich continued. "Uh...sir...?"
Silver Cuff's eye twitched.
"I hate smart houses," He grumbled.

***

Diamond Tiara smirked. "I love smart houses!"
"Me too!" Scootaloo squealed.
Apple Bloom, who had been watching Diamond Tiara in horror as she revealed all this, finally found her voice. "But will they be OK?! How will they eat?!"
"Oh, Apple Bloom, you worry too much," Diamond Tiara scoffed. "Do you really think that I would leave my beloved family to starve? My Daddy has tons of food stored in our personal panic room. Theoretically, they have enough basic necessities to sustain themselves and 25 more ponies for ten years!"

***

"It's very nice of you to share your panic room food stash with us," Said Siren Blare. She coughed as she swallowed a bit too big of a bite of stale biscuit. "I'm...sure it really sticks to the ribs."
The six ponies were all huddled in said panic room, a rather clean and well supplied, but nonetheless cramped are indeed.
"It's nice to know we won't starve while we wait for people to notice we're missing," Flashing Lights added, sipping his stale tap water.
Silver Cuffs merely grunted and continued to gnaw on his hard tack.
"Nicer food doesn't keep as well..." Randolf murmured apologetically, to nobody in particular.
"It's OK, gang!" Said Filthy Rich jovially.
"Dear, could you not call us a 'gang'? We barely even know these ponies." Sniffed Spoiled Rich, gesturing at the three police.
"Here, here," Muttered Silver Cuffs.
"And they could be..." Mrs. Rich paused dramatically... "Riff-Raff." She whispered.
"Never mind," Muttered Silver Cuffs.
"Well, ah, anyway, m-my point is, is that we're gonna make it! Just 'cause my...erm...wayward daughter just about locked every room inside the house 'cept for the living room, the panic room, and the wall leading from the living room the panic room doesn't mean we can't keep our spirits up! We have food, we have water, and we have hope! What else could we possibly need while we pass the time? Yes?" He asked kindly as a blushing Flashing Lights timidly raised his hoof.
"I have to pee," He whispered, sounding very embarrassed.
Silver Cuffs moaned.

The First Step

One Hour Later...
“Ah have the potion ah brewed,” Apple Bloom stated, gesturing towards her bulging saddle bags.
“I have books on being a lawyer that I checked out from the library!” Scootaloo announced.
“I have some clothes and hair products that I stole from Rarity,” Sweetie Belle declared.
Diamond Tiara beamed. “And I have a whole suitcase full of forms and stuff to use as evidance exonerating Daddy! As well as enough bits for four train tickets."
The four fillies were gathered in Ponyville Square, just infront of the town hall. No one paid much attention to them; as four fillies huddled together in the middle of town were hardly an unusual sight. A few ponies paid a bit of attention to Apple Bloom's drooping ears, but that was just about the only unusual thing anybody took notice of.
At this point, the clock had just struck eleven.
That fine, fair, sunny Saturday morning would soon become a sunny Saturday afternoon.
“I told Rarity I was staying at Apple Bloom’s!”
“I told my aunts I was staying at Apple Bloom’s too!”
Apple Bloom hung her head. “And ah...ah told Applejack we all was goin’ to Appeloosa,” She mumbled, pawing at the ground in shame.
“Great!” Said Diamond Tiara, oblivious to her companion’s depression. "So...how long does the potion last?"
"'Bout three hours, so we'll have to figure out real careful when we use it." Apple Bloom explained, looking a bit more perky as the talk turned to potioneering. "There are better potions t'use, but this ones the quickest t'make, and ah figured you would want it fast."
"Sure," Said Diamond Tiara. Privately, she wouln't have been bothered with a more complex potion, but she decided that, with the stakes as high as they were, she couldn't afford to be picky. Not with Daddy at stake!
"So what's the plan?" Asked Sweetie Belle.
"We get on the train." Diamond Tiara responded. The three fillies continued to stare at her expectantly. They wanted more, she realized. Like the where. Oopsie. She quickly flipped through her memory banks to the moment that her father had been arrested. Silver Cuffs, basment and gruel, more Silver Cuffs, something about a pony named Golden Sands...Canterlot!
"Canterlot!" Diamond Tiara announced triumphantly. "That's where we're headed. While we're on the way, I'll read the books Sweetie Belle got, and then we'll find the trial, I'll defend my Daddy, and go home."
“Well..." Apple Bloom sounded uncertain.
Diamond Tiara raised an eyebrow at her.
"That just all sounds...fast." Apple Bloom explained.
"Maybe lawyers are made that fast," shrugged Scootaloo. The little pegasus thought for a moment. "They sure talk fast..." Maybe I would like being a lawyer!
"But how long does it take to teach them how to do that?" Sweetie Belle wondered.
“Guys! Guys!" Diamond Tiara exclaimed. The crusaders turned to her.
"Of course it’s going to be fast! How else do you think we’re gonna pull this off? Do you want my Daddy to be petrified?” Just the thought of her father as a stone statue next to the legion of doom and the like made her heart beat faster.
“Of course not!” Apple Bloom assured her hastily, deciding not to risk agitating her new friend more, by asking how she planned on reading such big books in so little time. “Mr. Rich don’t deserve that!”
“Only a super bad pony would wish that on anyone who’s not super bad,” Scootaloo declared.
“And Apple Bloom’s not bad!” Sweetie exclaimed, patting her friend on the shoulder.
“R-Right,” Said Apple Bloom. “Well, ah ‘spose it’s now or never…”
“Good!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. “Let’s move!”
And with that, the four fillies set out for the train station.
Little did they know they were being watched...

The Bet

"Race you guys!" Scootaloo called, her body taking on a pale blue tint from the projection from which it was being viewed.

"No, no!" Sweetie Belle hissed. "We gotta be subtle."

“And that’s what they’re doing!” Said Discord happily, as he closed the portal he'd summoned to view the four fillies' scheme with. “Doesn’t that sound delicious?”

“Ha, ha,” Trixie answered flatly. “Hilarious.”

Discord squinted at her. “Really? You don’t sound very amused.”

“Nothing delicious is going to happen. Duh.” Trixie told him. “They’d be lucky to even get train tickets, what with Princess Killjoy tightening the security ever since her coronation,”

Discord, annoyed at being quashed, glared at the magician. “Well, I think it’s going to be delicious.”

"Trixie thinks it’s going to be a disaster.” Trixie yawned. “Trixie'd bet her boots it will all have some boring anticlimax before it even begins.”

“Bet your-? Trixie Lulamoon, you don’t even have boots!”

“Yeah. And the Great And Powerful Trixie wouldn't lose them if she did. ‘Cause this is stupid, as usual.”

“OHHHH!” Discord was furious now. “Alright, Miss Lulamoon, you wanna bet? Let’s make a bet.”

“OK.” Trixie smirked. “Might be fun to see the tantrum you throw when you undeniably lose.”

“So,” Discord hissed, “Let’s see: When you undeniably lose-” Trixie, brimming with confidence, just continued to smirk. “Since you don’t have boots you...you spend the day as a chicken.”

“Deal. And you spend the day as an orderly, unchaotic pony with no magic. Oh, and one more thing. Fairness."

"What about fairness-oooooohhh, chaos magic, right... Now, now, let's not be hasty. I wasn't even going to interfere anyways...I, experienced with chaos as I am, wouldn't even need to interfere win!"

"Trixie knows from lots of picnics with Starlight how much you love winning though."

"Hmph. Picky, picky. Fine. Let's have a contract, then..." Discord snapped his fingers, conjuring up a scroll with fancy writing. He smirked. “Sound good, Trixie Lulamoon?”

Trixie squinted. “Um. Can Trixie be given a moment to look at this?”

“Sure! More time to me to use my incredible magic powers to win this bet and speed your descent to chickendom!”

Trixie gulped. She read it.

I, Discord, the undersigned, solemnly swear that…

I, Discord, the undersigne shall not use my powers to create conveniently chaotic happenings to aid the crusaders and pink princess pony (henceforth known as-The Kiddos) in their quest to impersonate a lawyer. (Henceforth known as-the Caper)

I, Discord, the undersigned, solemnly swear that I shall tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in relation to the Caper of the Kiddos.

I, Discord, the undersigned, will remain strictly claws off in the Caper of the Kiddos.

Then she read it again. Then she looked at it through a magnifying glass. There was no hidden clauses or fine print. It seemed legit.

"Fine, here,"

Discord giggled gleefully (in a way that would have made Trixie very nervous if he weren't about to sign a binding contract restricting him from his chaos magic) conjured a flashy orange fountain pen, and signed the document with a flourish and a wink, then offered his pen to have Trixie do the same.

The two bombastic signatures were practically blinding in the pen's glittering pink ink.

"Excellent," Said Trixie, who, despite her initial suspicion, was greatly reassured by Discord's promises. "Well,” She said smugly, adjusting her hat, “May the best better win,"

"May the best better win," Discord echoed, his eyes sparkling.

The Train

“What do you mean, ‘unique’ isn’t a personality trait?” The four fillies were seated on the train thanks to none other than "the power of my generous allowance and undertipped ticketponies", as Diamond Tiara would put it.

“But what would someone with a ‘unique’ personality trait even be like?” Sweetie Belle, sitting next to Diamond Tiara, responded. “Diamond, you gotta think carefully about this, because you’re going to roleplay Flower Blossom, and this is going to be her guideline.”

“Or just don’t bother, like me,” said Scootaloo, seated on the other side. “I just play to kick flank.”

“Hey, Diamond, are ya sure you can manage learnin’ O&O and how to be a lawyer?” Apple Bloom managed to speak for the first time since they’d boarded. “Ah mean, this train ride is only an hour long.”

“I’ll get started on that in a second.” Diamond Tiara dismissed. “When we actually start heading to Canterlot to save Daddy.”

Apple Bloom sighed, and went back to staring out the window.

“Now, what’s her superpower going to be?” Sweetie Bell asked Diamond, jabbing her hoof at Diamond’s notepad, on which was Sweetie and Scootaloo’s best attempt at recreating an O&O character sheet.

“Oh, I know!” Scootaloo chirped. “Diamond’s character can have her superpower be being rich! That’s a superpower, right?”

“SCOOTS!” Apple Bloom yelped, embarrassed.

“Hey, it got us on the train!” Scootaloo protested.

“Sssh!” Sweetie hissed. “Not so loud!”

“Wait…” Diamond turned incredulously towards the orange pegasus. “You think being rich is a superpower?”

Scootaloo shrugged. “I mean, not really. At least, not before now. Just seemed dumb and boring. But getting to go on the train was cool. Getting away with getting train tickets was cool. Umm, are we still getting paid for helping you?”

“No.” Apple Bloom said, a bit more sharply than she intended. “We ain’t.”

Scootaloo grumbled. “Well, I mean, she did offer-”

***

Now despite all of Discord’s immense love with winning and his delight at the chaos he’d discovered, he

really

hated

not having

his magic.

So Trixie found it to be very fishy when, as the two betters moseyed around Ponyville keeping each other under strict surveillance, he suddenly began to squirm sporadically.

“What, pray tell, is that?” Trixie asked.

“Hush. I signed a contract, for heaven’s sake! Can’t I just do a bit of random squirming?”

When Trixie still looked skeptical, Discord sighed exaggeratedly, pausing in his strange dance.

“I have an ITCH!” Discord explained. “It happens when I don’t use magic! I have to use my claws to scratch it! See, if I can’t move and be properly chaotic whenever I need, I get itchy! Are you happy that you had to claw that tidbit out of me?! But no! I’ll show you!”

And with no further ado, Discord walked towards a wall, bumped into it, and flopped melodramatically to the ground.

“See, Trixie?! See?! I just walked into a wall!”

“Trixie will admit that is amusing.”

Discord snarled up at her from where he was still sprawled out on his back. “No! I! Walked! Into! A! Wall!”

“And?”

“I don’t walk into walls!”

Trixie snickered. “Then what did you just do?”

“What I just did was...walking...into...a...WALL!”

Trixie never thought she’d see the day when she would fear for Discord’s sanity. Discord must really LOVE winning.

“I slam into walls! I destroy walls! I make walls vanish! Sometimes, when I’m feeling really dangerous, I make more walls! But never, ever, would I, the Master of Chaos, WALK INTO A WALL! Just blam! Like a fool! I am thousands of years old!”

Discord sighed dramatically, before glaring up at Trixie again. “You did this to me!”

“Sheesh. It was just a contract.”

“But do you realize how serious I am? To have walked into a wall? And fell over? In FRONT of everyone?! I’M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE SERIOUS! ONE RULE! I HAD ONE RULE TO FOLLOW AND I BROKE IT!”

Indeed, several ponies were staring at this point.

Trixie was tempted to be upset-but she had to admit-Discord without chaos...well…

She smirked.

“Whatever.”

The Arrival

“OK. I’ve got it...beautiful.”

“A beautiful personality? D-Diamond…”

“What?” Diamond Tiara gazed at Sweetie Belle, looking genuinely hurt. “You don’t mean that you think that Flower Blossom has a beautiful personality?”

“I don’t really.…” Sweetie Belle rubbed her temples. “I don’t really know what her personality is right now.”

“It’s beautiful! What’s there left to say?”

“I mean, I get you've also told me how her personality is unique, inspirational, and perfect. I mean, what is she like to be around? How does she feel about…” Sweetie Belle waved her hoof, searching for a good word. “Life? In general?”

“Brave! Brave is a feeling.”

“Diamond, you know,” Sweetie Belle said, her face becoming a bit flushed with irritation, “When I said personality, I was hoping for a word that’s more than just a compliment!”

“Flower Blossom is just very...compliment-able!” Diamond Tiara shot back. “It’s part of who she is!”

As Diamond Tiara and Sweetie Belle continued to squabble, Apple Bloom, watching from her seat next to them, winced. “Should we tell 'em we should probably focus on learnin' lawyer stuff?”

Scootaloo, who was watching the debate with an amused smile, shook her head. “Nah. This is fun to watch.”

Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle buried her head in her hooves. “OK, new strategy.”

“If I do it your way, can I keep 'brave', 'inspirational', and 'perfect'?”

“Nix ‘perfect’.”

“Sure.” Said Diamond, crossing out 'perfect' and writing ‘perfectly admirable’ in its place.

If Sweetie Belle noticed that, she was too worn down to protest. “OK. Does she like spicy food?”

“Sure!”

“Fast rides?”

“Sure!”

SHREEE! The whistle signaled that the train had stopped.

“Alright!” Scootaloo cheered. “We’re here!”

“So…” Apple Bloom murmured to Diamond Tiara as the four fillies filed off. “How far’d ya get?”

“Oh, Sweetie Belle had some problems with my character. I don’t get it? Isn’t the point to make the character as great as possible?”

“Whatever floats your boat,” Apple Bloom deterred diplomatically. “But tell me more about the lawyerin’.”

“Well, there were just a bunch of numbers. I guess I’ll just hand them into the judge-that’s the pony in charge of the courtroom-”

“I know what a judge-”

“And then I’ll just tell him the truth about how wonderful my daddy is!”

Apple Bloom just stared at her, dumbfounded.

“What’s wrong?” Asked Diamond Tiara, catching the look on Apple Bloom’s face.

Author's Note

hai :3