Chapter 1: The Saga Begins
Li’l Cheese giggled to himself as he placed a glass of water on the counter of Sugarcube Corners’ kitchen. Pound and Pumpkin Cake were out visiting their parents at the place they had retired to and his mommy was out picking up groceries for the bakery, so now was the perfect time for him to set up his latest prank.
He couldn’t stop himself from laughing, she was going to be so surprised when she takes that first sip. She was going to be all like, “hmm… this water tastes funny?” Then be like, “Li’l Cheese did you do something to this water?” Then he’d laugh like when he got presents on his birthday, and then she’d say, “Li’l Cheese, you little stinker.” But in that good-natured motherly way, because mommy always loves a good prank. Daddy did too, but he wasn’t here right now.
Sugarcube Corner’s backdoor slowly swung open, alerting Li’l Cheese of his victim’s arrival. He placed his hooves over his mouth in an attempt to hide his snickering, “Hi, Mommy! Welcome home.”
“Hey there, sweetie!” Pinkie greeted back. Her saddlebags looked filled to bursting, almost to the point that Li’l Cheese thought he could pop them with a needle. Pinkie struggled as she made her way to the counter, “You mind helping mommy put these ingredients away, Li’l Cheese?”
“Okay!” Li’l Cheese happily rushed over to the counter as Pinkie hefted the saddlebags up and over her head. Li’l Cheese snickered, “So what did you buy this time, mommy?”
Pinkie shrugged her shoulders before she replied, “Oh, the usual stuff. Twelve bags of flower, eight bags of sugar, three tubs of chocolate chips, three tubs of chocolate chips to use in the store…”
“Boy, carrying all that sure sounds tiring.” Cheese said in his best attempt to sound nonchalant, but in truth sounded more phony than using chocolate bit as real money. “You should drink something,” he then pointed to the other side of the counter where he strategically placed his water, “like this conveniently placed glass of water I just poured for myself.”
Pinkie eyed the glass skeptically. She was thirsty, carrying a metric ton of baking supplies in saddlebags only built to carry six books and an apple did that to a mare. But she had too much experience pulling pranks and being the prankie to not notice the obvious signs.
Pinkie smirked knowingly, “I think I’m alright, Li’l Cheesie.” She said as she turned back to her work. “Why don’t you drink it? After all, it would be rude of me to take it from you after you poured it for yourself."
Li’l Cheese silently gasped, he knew he shouldn’t have said he poured the glass for himself! Now his mommy was using good manners to avoid setting off his trap. He needed to think fast or his entire plan would be sunk!
An idea soon hit him, if she was going to use manners against him, then he would use flattery against her. “It’s okay mommy, you’re obviously more thirsty than I am, carrying all those super heavy bags and all. How did you get so strong anyway? I’ll bet I’ll never get that strong.”
“I know what your doing, Li'l Cheesie.” Pinkie Pie stated.
Li’l Cheese began to sweat, “No you don’t.”
“Your trying to distract me with flattery so I’ll drop my guard and drink that water, right?”
Li’l Cheese shook her head nervously, “Noooooo…”
“Don’t lie to your mother, Cheesie.” Pinkie Pie said with a playful smirk. “If I were your Auntie Applejack, it would lead to a paddling. Too bad for you I’m not.”
Li’l Cheese cocked a brow in confusion, “But isn’t you not being Auntie Applejack a good thing?”
“Not really…” Pinkie Pie explained as she shoved her hooves into her hair. Within seconds she pulled out a rowing oar, “...because I use a bigger paddle.”
Li’l Cheese’s sweat started to become more noticeable. She had never spanked him before, but the mere sight of her weapon of choice for souring bottoms made him hesitant to do anything bad ever again. He instinctively grabbed both of his li’l flanks.
Pinkie smiled, “Is there something you want to tell me, Li’l Cheese?~” She asked in a singsong voice.
Li’l Cheese nodded woefully, he had been defeated yet again by his mother the prank master, “I was trying to prank you with that glass of water.”
Pinkie laughed to herself briefly to avoid hurting Li’l Cheese’s feelings. Still, that didn’t mean she couldn’t rub her victory in his face at least a little bit. “Tell me Cheesie? Do we have a phone?”
Li’l Cheese sighed, “Yes mommy, we have a phone. It’s the only one in existence besides the one Dr. Time Turner has, but yes we have one.”
Pinkie nodded her head in triumph, “Good, because I need to use it and tell Mr. Doo that I called it!”
“You know if you keep doing that he’s going to take the phone away from you, mommy.” Li’l Cheese explained. They have had several warnings already and Doos could not take anymore all night over-the-phone parties.
“It’s a figure of speech, Li’l Cheese.” Pinkie said proudly, “The point is, I saw your prank coming from a mile away. My Pinkie sense told me a doozy was on the way while I was coming home from the market, so I knew to be on guard as soon as I walked in through the door.”
She slid over to inspect the water, her eyes extending out of her head like snail stocks to closely observe her beloved child’s prank. “So what you do to it?” She asked, “Did you glue the glass to the counter? Pick your nose and wash your hoof in it? Rig it to a trip wire so it would explode?!”
Li’l Cheese answered in order, “No, gross, and I wish.” He sighed again, this time in a distraught manner, “Two of those sound like much better pranks than what I came up with.” He kicked his hoof knocking up some dirt from the floor, “I just filled the glass with some old yucky mirror pool water.”
Pinkie froze as if Li’l Cheese said cupcakes had just been made illegal. She turned to Li’l Cheese with a thousand yard stare, “What did you say, sweetie?”
Li’l Cheese nervously rubbed his hoof against the floor, he knew he was in trouble now, “I, umm… filled the glass with magic water from the mirror pool.”
“Chedediah Nicholas Sandwich!” Pinkie placed her hooves on her hips and shouted in a frustrated tone, “Didn’t your father and I tell you never to go near the mirror pool. It’s really dangerous and the clones you could have unleashed might have caused havoc on Ponyville!”
“But I was super-duper careful, mommy!” Li’l Cheese tried to explain, “I went through the Everfree Forest during the day when you said it’d be safest and I didn’t swim in the pool. I only bottled up a little bit of it's water in my Daring Do brand young explorer's canteen.”
“That’s no excuse, mister!” Pinkie warned, “You know your not supposed to enter the Everfree at anytime without a big pony accompanying you, and trying to make me drink the mirror pool is worse than just swimming in it yourself.”
Li’l Cheese looked both worried and confused, “Why?”
“Because Li’l Cheese, it’s a magic spring that we don’t fully understand. If it can make clones of me by simply letting me swim around in it, who knows what it could do to my body if I drank it.” Pinkie suddenly switched from her serious parental tone of voice to her more common bubbly tone, “Plus the mirror pool is located in a wet, dirty cave inside an even dirtier forest.” She booped Li'l Cheese on the snout while she scolded him, “You were trying to make me drink dirty water, Li’l Cheese, and that’s not nice.”
Li’l Cheese sniffled, “I’m sorry, mommy. I was only trying to make you laugh.”
Pinkie’s serious expression faltered, she hated having to be a good parent around her child and lay down the law, but it was the only way to make sure Li’l Cheese grew up to be kind respectable member of society. Still that didn’t mean she couldn’t console her sweet little colt while he was feeling down. A Pie/Sandwich’s job was to spread joy and laughter after all.
“It’s okay Li’l Cheese,” Pinkie said as she scooped her little bundle of joy into her arms. “I know you weren’t trying to hurt anypony. But you need to think more before you decide to do something.” Pinkie began to chuckle, “I mean look at me, I did the exact same thing you just did a long time ago and even now I'm still looking for the clones of me that are hiding somewhere out there in Equestria.”
Li’l Cheese wiped his eyes and began to laugh as well, “Hehe, I have so many mommies.”
Pinkie nodded, “Yes you do. But let’s not follow mommy’s bad example. We need to put the water you collected back before something bad happens.”
“Is this a private group hug or can anypony join?”
The familiar voice soon caused both ponies’ eyes to widen. They turned around to see an orange-coated stallion in a yellow shirt waiting for them with his forelegs stretched wide open.
Li’l Cheese cheered, “Daddy!” In excitement he hopped out of his mother's embrace and charged his father with the intent to tackle-hug him. He collided forcefully with his stomach, but it was not nearly enough to knock the stallion over. Li’l Cheese’s mother however, was more than enough to send both stallions, young and old, to the floor.
Cheese Sandwich chortled while lying beneath his family members, “Ask a silly question…”
“What are you doing home, Cheesie?” Pinkie asked, “I thought you had that big birthday party to throw in Appleloosa and wouldn’t be back till tomorrow?”
“They decided to make the party a short one.” Cheese explained, “Something about needing to harvest a big bumper crop in the morning and not wanting everypony to be hungover on salt.”
Pinkie Pie frowned, “That’s sad. A party should never be short. They need time to allow everypony to get into the swing of things and have the best time ever!”
“That’s what I said. But they were super serious about it, so I had to do what they asked.” The Sandwiches picked themselves up and began to dust off their shirts and coats, “Doesn’t really bother me none though, just means I get to see my amazing family all the sooner.”
Pinkie giggled and lovingly punched Cheese in the arm, “Oh Cheesie, you old charmer.”
“It’s why you married me.” Cheese Sandwich walked over towards the counter and began to stretch out his back. “I tell ya, all these back and forth trips to Equestria and beyond do a number on a party pony body. We need to invent another method of travel because I’m stiff from all these cramped train rides.”
Li’l Cheese suddenly began jumping up and down in excitement, “Mommy is still perfecting her instant party cannon delivery service, I bet we could transport ponies why faster using that!”
Cheese mumbled, “Yeah, and make them stiff as boards while we're at it.” He tousled his colt’s mane, “I don’t think Equestria is ready for cannon travel yet, Li’l Cheese. At least not until Princess Twilight decrees all her subjects should get free skydiving lessons.” He turned his head as he stretched and noticed the glass of water on the counter.
“Oh hey, a conveniently placed glass of water. I was feeling kinda thirsty.” Cheese grabbed the glass and brought it to his mouth.
Pinkie and Li’l Cheese screamed in unison, “Daddy/Cheesie! No!
The water was already gone before they could finish. Cheese looked at them with a refreshed expression on his face, “Sorry family, what did you say?”
It was at this point that Cheese’s body began to bloat like a gum-chewing girl in a candy factory. His body became so big and so round he nearly filled the room, leaving Pinkie and Li’l Cheese only enough space to walk the foot and half distance between him and the door.
Cheese blinked in confusion before looking down at the mammoth water balloon that was now his body. He looked back at Pinkie, “Pinkie dear, what just happened?”
Pinkie Pie looked nervous, “Li’l Cheese tried to prank me by making me drink a cup of mirror pool water. That water you just drank was the same cup.”
Cheese took a few moments to think about this. He was familiar with the mirror pool thanks to the stories Pinkie Pie had told him, but he couldn’t recall any instance in those stories where somepony had drank from the pool before. That meant he might have very well been the first one, and as a result would be unable to find anyone with knowledge on how to fix this situation in a short amount of time. Cheese steeled his expression, a gut feeling telling him what to do next.
“Pinkie, Li’l Cheese, please leave the room and don’t look back.” He spoke like an action hero about to make the ultimate sacrifice. “A quite literal feeling in my gut is telling me this next part will not going to be pretty.”
Pinkie blinked in dismay, tears welling up in her eyes, “Are you sure, Cheesie? I can go find a doctor or Starlight and have you fixed, lickity-split!” Pinkie knew it was a false hope, but she didn’t like the alternative.
“No…” Cheese exclaimed somberly, “there’s nothing we can do about it now. Just get Li’l Cheese out of here, if this is it I don’t want his last memory of me being a warm splashy feeling on the outside of his eyelids.” Pinkie nodded and scooped up their child, who seemed too scared to move.
“Oh and Li’l Cheese,” Cheese said before Pinkie could pull both of them out of the room, “If I do somehow survive this, you, me, and your mother are going to have a long conversation on not taking things from where they belong. Is that understood, mister?”
Li’l Cheese nodded, “Yes daddy.” He was sort of hoping he’d get scolded this time, because that would mean he would at least get to see his daddy again.
Pinkie and Li’l Cheese ducked around the corner and waited for the inevitable. There was a long swath of silence before a loud “pop” was heard. It sounded like someone had overinflated a whoopie cushion. Pinkie and Li’l Cheese felt warm tears ran down their faces, the world had just lost another clown.
The two solemnly rounded the corner into the kitchen, only to be surprised when they saw that the kitchen had not been painted a new coat of red like they first thought. Instead it looked like a twister had hit the room, with several items that decorated the kitchen now blow all over the place and every piece of furniture now broken or knocked on its side, and in the middle of it all was a very beaten, but still very much alive, Cheese Sandwich with stretch marks.
Cheese blinked as he tried to contemplate what the hay just happened. “Well that didn’t go at all like I expected.” He looked over himself to see if he wasn’t too seriously hurt, “I seem to still be alive though, so that’s nice.”
He let out a sudden squeal of pain as his wife and son enveloped him in a deep hug, “Cheesie! Thank Celestia your alive! I don’t know what I would have done if I lost you!” Pinkie Pie cried.
Li’l Cheese nuzzled into his dad’s singed shirt, “I’m sorry, daddy!” He whimpered. “I promise I’ll nevereverevereverevernever take water from the mirror pool again. Just please don’t explode no more.”
Cheese mumbled under his breath and embraced his family, “Trust me, I don’t plan on doing it a second time.” He began to whimper as their hugs grew tighter, “Listen guys, I’m happy to be alive too and love that you both love me so much. But my body is still sore from my sudden expansion and all this hugging is starting to hurt.”
The two let go of Cheese, but Pinkie was quick to think of a less harmful alternative, “Well how about a kiss then, Cheesie? Will that make you feel better?” Pinkie asked as she fluttered her eyelashes.
Cheese could only blush and smile in reply, “I don’t know, it might help.”
Pinkie’s flirtatious expression suddenly changed into a more mischievous one as she turned to her son, “You heard him, Li’l Cheese. Your daddy needs a kiss stat!”
Without hesitation, Li’l Cheese leapt upwards and gave his father a quick kiss on the cheek. The suddenness of Pinkie’s joke dawned on Cheese as soon as it happened and he couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the absurdity of the whole situation. Pinkie and Li’l Cheese joined him soon after, and they would have kept on laughing if a voice that sounded remarkably like Cheese’s didn’t moan from the other side of the room.
They turned to look at the corner of the room where several bags of flour and a turned over table sat. All the items began to jostle as something climbed out from underneath. Pinkie pushed Li’l Cheese behind her and stepped in front of her husband.
“Could you maybe take it easier on the turns? This is a tour bus, not a roller coaster.” The creature asked sarcastically.
It pushed the objects covering it away as it stood upright, revealing its appearance to them in all its glory. The creature was clearly human, if Pinkie’s many visits to the human world were anything to go off of, only it had a pale skin color in comparison to the many varying hues she was used to seeing. It was also dressed in a loud yellow shirt with green palm trees on it, blue pants, brown shoes, and it had long brown hair that fell downwards around the sides and back of its head.
“Note to self, possible premise for a song: accidentally driving my tour bus onto a roller coaster.” The human mumbled to itself. It turned towards them by chance and froze in it tracks the moment it met their eyes.
Dead silence soon filled the room as both parties just stared at each other with ever widening eyes. Then suddenly, the human screamed, which made Pinkie scream, which made Cheese Sandwich scream, which made Li'l Cheese scream because he felt left out.
So to make a long story short, they were all very loud and very confused.
Fifteen minutes of consecutive screaming later, plus a two-minute water break to alleviate scratchy throats, the Sandwiches and the human found themselves seated in a booth in the bakery’s dining area with each nursing a cup of hot cocoa to help calm their nerves. The sign to Sugarcube Corner had been turned to “Closed” to prevent any other unexpected guests from arriving.
“Mmmm… thanks for the drink.” The human said, “This is probably the best hot chocolate, I’ve ever tasted.”
Pinkie Pie giggled, “You’re welcome, but you should really be thanking the Cakes. It’s their recipe after all.”
The human nodded, “Their the previous owners of this bakery, right? I think I remember them.”
Li’l Cheese tilted his head in confusion, “How did you know that? Also who are you? And what are you? And why do you sound so much like my daddy?”
Pinkie tutted Li’l Cheese, “Now Li’l Cheese, what did your father and I tell you about bombarding other ponies with questions?”
Li’l Cheese suddenly looked guilty, “Oh! Sorry sir. Umm…” He thought about which question he wanted answered first, “...Can you answer the second question first?”
The human chuckled, “Sure I can, kiddo. My name is Alfred Matthew Yankovic, but most people tend to know me as Weird Al. I’m a human-being from a place called Earth where I travel my home country singing and writing songs and generally just making other humans laugh.”
Li’l Cheese giggled into his hooves, “You sound just like my daddy. He sings songs and travels the country too, and he loves making everypony laugh! My mommy does too, but she likes to stay closer to Ponyville where her friends live.”
Weird Al nodded, “I’m aware.” He mumbled, unaware that Cheese and Pinkie were able to hear him. They were growing increasingly more concerned the longer they spent with their newest house guest.
Cheese laughed awkwardly, “It’s actually funny, but my middle name is Alfred.”
“Really?” Weird Al asked in legitimate surprise.
“Yes it is…” Pinkie continued, “Cheesterton Alfred Sandwich.” Her voice began to grow more gravelly like a bad cop about to interrogate a perp. “Kind of a ‘weird’ coinkydink, him having the same name and voice as you, Mr. Yankovic. Don’t you think?”
Weird Al felt unnerved under Pinkie's judgmental gaze. It almost felt like he was part of another Whiplash sketch. “I guess so.” He answered back nervously.
“Sweetie…” Cheese tried to reel her back, but Pinkie just raised her hoof and Cheese fell silent.
“I find it very ‘weird’ in fact, Mr. Yankovic. So very ‘weird’ that it makes me doubt you are who you say you are.” Pinkie slammed her hoof on the table, scaring all three males around her, “So spill it, Mr. ‘Weird’ Al! If that even is your real name?!”
“It’s not really, it’s more of a nick-”
“Dodging the question! I knew it you’re some baddie in disguise!” Pinkie declared, “Well too bad for you, Queen Chrysalis or whoever you are! I’ve been through this kind of situation more times than I can count, so I know when there’s a shapeshifter under my roof. I WON’T LET YOU HURT MY FAMILY!”
Pinkie suddenly leapt over the table and tackled Weird Al to the floor. She prided his mouth open with her hooves and shouted down his gullet, “Reveal your true form, bad guy! Before I deliver a birthiversary-sized can of kickflank on your butt!”
Cheese was quick to pull his wife off him, “Pinkie calm down! I don't think he’s here to hurt anypony. I think he’s telling the truth.”
Pinkie fought against his hold. She wasn’t as good at spotting liars as Applejack, but she could at least let this “Weird Al” explain himself before deciding to play judge, jury, and executioner.
Pinkie inhaled deeply, before releasing a calming breath, “Alright.” She conceded. “I’ll admit it wasn’t very fair of me to jump to conclusions like that. I’ve had problems with that before and it isn’t a good example to set for Li’l Cheese.” Cheese let his wife go, allowing Pinkie to fall back down onto her hooves, “But I warn you. If I don’t like anything about your story, I’m going to introduce your behind to my punishment paddle. Do you understand?”
Weird Al noticed that Pinkie’s hair was starting to deflate, giving him a little extra credence to come up with a convincing story. Grabbing onto the booth he fell from, Weird Al pulled himself up and onto his feet, “It’s as I told you, my name is Alfred Yankovic and I’m from the planet Earth. Before I got here, I was traveling the United States of America on one of my concert tours, when suddenly we hit a huge bump in the road and I found myself inside your kitchen.”
Pinkie looked less skeptical, but the emotion was still there, “A likely story. How exactly did you end up in my kitchen then?”
Al only shook his head, “That part I can’t answer. I’m just as confused as you are.”
Pinkie’s brows furrowed, “Then how do you know who we are? Who the Cakes are? If this really is your first time being here, then you shouldn’t know anything about this place or the ponies who live here.”
Weird Al was struck silent, she had heard the mumbled statements he had made to himself and he cursed himself for not being more subtle. With a sigh, he resigned himself to telling the truth and hoped to all powers listening that what he was about to say would not be too shocking for them to hear.
Al gulped nervously before speaking, “In my world there’s a popular cartoon show on TV called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. In this show, six ponies, you and your friends Pinkie Pie, go on grand adventures and solve friendship problems between yourselves and other ponies in order to keep the ideals of harmony alive. Over the course of this show, I was asked by the show’s creators to voice a character named Cheese Sandwich...” The Sandwiches gasped as Weird Al pointed at Cheese, “...him.”
Pinkie felt her eyebrows furrow again, she had never heard a more ridiculous story in her life, and that was saying something consider the ponies who made up her immediate family.
She glared at Al, “You really expect me to believe that!” Pinkie shouted, “The only TVs I know of are in Sunset's world, which means your not a shapeshifter who's here to kidnap me, but an evil human who tricked Twilight's friends in the human world to lead you here so you could steal our magic!"
Weird Al looked confused, "Wha-"
"How else would you know so much about us without meeting us face to face?” Pinkie then pointed dramatically at him, “You know what I think? You’re some kind of spy who came in contact with one of Equestria’s greatest enemies! They promised you something big if you were able to dispose of me, Twilight, and our friends, right?!”
Pinkie suddenly tackled Al again and pried him mouth open a second time, “Who sent you evil human spy! Tirek?! Queen Chrysalis?! Cozy Glow?!”
“Mommy…all those guys are trapped in stone, remember?”
“That doesn’t matter!” Pinkie continued to shout, “The point is, Weird Al Yankovic here isn’t who he says he is, and I will not give him the chance to commit whatever dastardly scheme he’s concocting!”
Weird Al gurgled out as many unintelligible pleas for mercy his open mouth could make, thankfully Cheese was still quick to pull his wife off him despite the ludicrous story he had just heard. “I think it’s still too early to judge him so harshly, Pinkie. We should call in an expert on these sort of things.”
Pinkie begrudgingly calmed down, “Like who?”
“Well, why don’t we contact Princess Twilight? If he really is a human like he says, wouldn’t it be best to let the ruler of the kingdom decide what to do with him?”
Pinkie stared at Cheese for a moment, before turning back towards Al with a frightening gaze. “I'll go write a letter, but don’t think this is over for a second, Mr. Yankovic.” She began trotting out of the room before stopping at the doorway, “Li’l Cheese, keep an eye on this weirdo until I get back. I don’t want him pulling any sort of tricks while I’m away.”
Li’l Cheese saluted at his mommy, “Yes Sir Mam Sir!” Li’l Cheese then turned towards Al with a determined expression, like a prison guard who had seen more riots in his lifetime then birthday parties, “You’re in trouble now, Mr. Bad Guy Spy.”
Weird Al only blinked in confusion, before turning his eyes up to meet Cheese's. He hoped to get some semblance of hope or at least an explanation of what was going to happen to him, but only received a shrug and a shake of the head from the stallion.
Cheese mouth the words “I’m sorry” to him, fortifying what he feared most was coming true. He was for real trapped in Equestria and at the mercy of a 4th Wall-breaking mare and her family.
He couldn't believe how accurate his horrorscope was being today.
Author's Note
Is it weird that 'Weird Al' is going to the straightest played character in this story? 
Anyways, another new project, hope you guys enjoy it. 
This version of Weird Al is from Batman: Brave and the Bold episode, Bat-Mite Presents: Batman's Strangest Cases!
Chapter 2: Do I Creep You Out
It didn’t take long for Pinkie to receive a response to the letter she sent. Thanks to the magic candles Twilight had given them before taking over as ruler of Equestria, communication between the princess and her life long friends had become very fast and extremely efficient.
The letter she sent expressed that Twilight agreed with Pinkie Pie’s concern, but also said that she was leaning more towards Cheese’s side of the argument, stating: “We can’t just assume he’s a criminal because of the way he acts or what he looks like.” She did, however, find the knowledge he possessed very disconcerting and asked Pinkie through the letter to bring Weird Al and her family to Canterlot as soon as possible while she contacted the rest of their friends. If he was any sort of threat at all, she wanted to have the other Elements of Harmony present should they all come to blows.
Pinkie returned to the dining area with the new knowledge she accrued, only to find everypony acting as if an alien hadn’t just appeared in their house. Cheese was nonchalantly seated at one of the booths with the comic section of today’s newspaper; Li’l Cheese was using his gray building blocks to build bars around their prisoner; and Weird Al was calmly seated in the corner of the room, letting Li’l Cheese build his makeshift prison around him.
For a party pony, Pinkie was flabbergasted. The way they were acting now was a far cry from how they were acting when Al first arrived, and Pinkie found it a bit unsettling.
Cheese quietly laughed at his newspaper. “Ha ha, silly cat, I too love lasagna,” Then, he heard Pinkie’s hoofsteps as she trotted further into the room. He looked up from his comic strips. “Oh, hey Pinkums. You get that letter back from Princess Twilight yet?”
“Yes I did, Cheesy-Doodle...” Pinkie responded. She absentmindedly wandered towards Li’l Cheese and Weird Al. “Say…Sweetie Pie, what are you doing to Mr. Yankovic?”
Li’l Cheese finally noticed his mommy had returned and turned to greet her. “Oh, hi Mommy!” he shouted with a smile and a wave, “I’m just building a jail around Daddy Al.” Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened upon hearing the nickname Li’l Cheese chose for Al, she wasn’t sure if she liked it.
“...And he let you do it?” Pinkie asked in confusion. She looked up at Al and was surprised to find he was smiling at her, even despite the way she had treated him not but minutes before.
“Uh-huh!” Li’l Cheese cheered happily. “He’s really nice and helpful. When you asked me to watch him, I immediately started to think about what a good guard would do to a bad guy. Then I was like duhhhh…he’d throw him in jail! But we don’t have a jail, so Daddy Al suggested I build one and I said okay! So I went upstairs to get my building blocks while Daddy Al waited patiently for me to get back!”
Once again, Pinkie was flabbergasted. She looked to Cheese for some form of confirmation that the story Li’l Cheese was telling was true. In response, he shrugged his shoulders and looked back at his paper. “That’s what happened,” he said. He then chuckled at another comic he had just read. “Hee hee, crazy dog, you’re too big to be playing in that kiddy pool.”
Pinkie turned back towards Weird Al, a guilty feeling suddenly becoming present within her tummy. Weird Al had been nothing but nice since he came here and had shown absolutely no signs of wanting to harm her family in the slightest. Pinkie began to wonder if she had been too quick to judge the human in front of her, but the next thing Al said made her certain of it.
“I used to play games like this all the time with my daughter back when she was a kid.” He laughed fondly at the memory. “I’m sorry I scared you and made you think I was a bad guy. From what I remember of your show, you tended to run into the worst of the worst on a regular basis. It doesn’t surprise me that you may be suspicious of me now that you have a family to protect.”
Al gave her a friendly smile and Pinkie felt her heart sink. She wasn’t the best at spotting liars like Applejack, but she was the best at judging smiles and laughter. She always knew when other ponies were faking it, but she could tell the expression Al was giving her was 120% genuine.
Pinkie scrapped her hoof against the ground before responding, it was her turn to apologize. “No, I’m sorry! Just because you're new here and you look different doesn’t give me the right to treat you like a monster. I learned that lesson a long time ago when I met Zecora. Also, I shouldn’t have immediately assumed you were here to hurt us. I learned that lesson too back on the Pony Express when I assumed the Cakes’ rivals ate the MMMM.”
Weird Al scratched his head in thought, “The Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, right?”
Pinkie nodded, feeling a little more excited when he sounded already prepared to forgive her. “How did you know?”
“I remember the episode.” He scratched his head in embarrassment.
Pinkie giggle-snorted. “You sound just like Rainbow Dash. She can tell you every little detail of every Daring Do book she’s ever read, but will always play it off like she barely remembers any of it.” Pinkie gasped, “I still have to introduce you to Dashie!” She gasped a second time, “And Twilight!” She then gasped a third time, “And Fluttershy and Rarity and Applejack and Pinkie Pie! No wait, I’m right here.”
Pinkie Pie shook her head to simmer down her excitement, “Point is, they’re all going to love you, Ally!”
Weird Al laughed at Pinkie’s sudden burst of enthusiasm. “Well, someone’s in a better mood. Does this mean I’m not an evil human spy anymore?”
“Well, of course it does, silly,” Pinkie said with a wave of her hoof, “I was being a dummy before. You haven’t acted like a meanie since you got here and you played with my sweet Li’l Cheesie even though I called you a bad guy.” She grabbed Li’l Cheese and pulled him into a hug. “I was a little scared at first because you sounded just like my Cheesy-Doodle, but now I know your just as nice and friendly.”
“That’s a relief.” Al admitted. “I always enjoyed working on your show, so I don’t think I could handle one of my favorite ponies hating me.”
“I could never hate anypony!” Pinkie stated in sudden shock, “Especially not you. You sound like my husband, which automatically makes me have to love something about you.” She dropped Li’l Cheese and rushed over to hug Cheese Sandwich just to prove her point. “I don’t hate even the worstest of the worst, because there’s always a chance they can be turned into bestest of the best!”
Li’l Cheese brushed himself off after picking himself up off the floor. “Mommy always says a villain is just a friend who doesn’t like you yet. And I know she’s telling the truth because she’s friends with tons of villains, like Mr. Discord, Ms. Starlight, Ms. Berrytwist...”
Before Li’l Cheese could raffle of more names, Pinkie continued on with her own tangent, “What Li’l Cheese is trying to say is, I don’t hate anypony, period. And if I did convince everypony to treat you like a criminal before being proven wrong...well, I would throw the biggest apology party ever to tell you I was sorry.” Pinkie scratched her chin at the thought. “In fact, that's what I’m going to do! As soon as we’re done talking to Twilight, the Sandwich family is going to throw you the biggest, superest, duperest, most blow-your-mindest Welcome to Equestria/Apology party ever! With streamers, fireworks, cakes, pies, pastries, and…umm..?”
“...Polka music?!” Al asked, now becoming extremely excited about taking part in actual Pinkie Pie party.
“It ain’t a real Sandwich party without polka music.” Cheese offhandedly said as he continued to read his paper. He laughed again, “Heh, foolish Princess, that isn’t how you create a stable working class infrastructure with equal rights for all races.”
Everyone else in the bakery suddenly looked at Cheese in confusion. Feeling their gazes, Cheese immediately put down his newspaper, “It was a political cartoon. Always, what is our plan, oh party guru, master baker, wife of mine.”
“Twilight asked us to meet her at Canterlot Castle. The other girls will be meeting us there too. They wanted to see Ally for themselves.”
Weird Al turned to Li’l Cheese. “Sorry about this, kiddo.” He stood up, knocking over the bars Li’l Cheese had built. He walked over towards Pinkie and Cheese, “Should I be worried?”
Pinkie shook her head. “Twilight specifically said she didn’t want to judge you until she got to meet you. She has met humans before, you know.”
“I do know.” Al stated with a smug smile. “But what about the others? Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack?”
“They might be a little bit more opinionated.” Pinkie explained, “If Twilight tells them everything I told her, then they might start worrying about you too. But I’m sure everything will turn out super-duper after Twilight gets a chance to look at you, she might even be able to send you home right on the spot.”
Li’l Cheese was saddened by this, “But what about the party we were going to throw for Daddy Al?”
“...After the party we throw for him, of course,” Pinkie corrected. She tussled the little colt’s mane, causing him to giggle.
Al nodded. “Well then I guess there’s nothing keeping us from leaving...other than this conversation of course.” He walked towards the Sugarcube Corner's entrance, “Let’s get moving.” He moved to push the door open, only for Pinkie to suddenly appeared in front of him and tackled him to the floor again.
“I thought we were past this, Pinkie?” Al said with a dry expression.
“Sorry, Ally, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to just walk the streets where everyone can see you. Most ponies don’t know what a human is, let alone seen a human. They won’t be able to handle it and they’ll start panicking!”
Al chuckled. “Pinkie I think you're over-exaggerating.”
Pinkie furrowed her brows to form a serious expression, “Ally, I live in Ponyville, the panic capital of Equestria. We live a hop, skip, and jump away from a forest of monsters and regularly have to deal with evil mega meanies who want to take over our town as the first step to conquering the rest of the kingdom. I know what will cause a panic when I see it, Ally. I have had plenty of experience.”
Al was suddenly reminded of all the events that happened in the show that would prove Pinkie Pie’s claim. After letting Pinkie climb off him, Al got back to his feet, “You make a very good point.” He turned his back to her as he began to think. “But then how are we supposed to get Canterlot from here if I can't be seen?”
It was at this point that everything became dark and cold, and a mushy feeling enveloped Al’s entire body. It felt almost as if he was being submerged in a bathtub of refrigerated mashed potatoes, and despite him writing a song about an addiction to such things, he was certain he was not comfortable with the feeling.
Fifteen minutes later, Pinkie Pie, Cheese Sandwich, and their adorable offspring found themselves on a nonstop train to Canterlot with Pinkie’s party cannon in tow.
Li’l Cheese looked up at the party cannon sitting in between their seats in confusion as their train started to move, “Mommy, why did you shove Daddy Al into your party cannon again?”
“It was the quickest and sneakiest way I could think of to get him out of Ponyville without being seen.” Pinkie Pie explained, “Plus I ran out of mustaches, so it was really the only option we had.”
Cheese folded his front legs and nodded his head in agreement, “Yes, a mustache would have been perfect.” He stated sagely, “We could have also given him a pair of fake glasses to complete the disguise. Nopony would have noticed a thing.” His brows furrowed as a guilty look of anger soon spread across his face. He slammed his forelegs against his seat as he stood on his back hooves, a spotlight shining down on him from nowhere. “But I was too foolish to restock our emergency supply! I didn’t assume we’d have an emergency this soon! And for that, I am sorry.” He fell down onto whatever acquainted for ponies’ knees, “Please forgive me, my family.”
The spotlight vanished as Cheese finished his monologue. Pinkie draped a black blanket over Cheese’s shoulders as the rest of their train car roared in uproarious applause.
“Your stage presence is getting really good, Cheesie,” Pinkie Pie complimented.
“You really think so?” He asked as he threw his blanket to Celestia knows where. Meanwhile, somewhere else in the train car, somepony who had caught the blanket and was screaming like a schoolfilly.
“Well, you were kinda sounding a bit hammy near the end, but otherwise your performance was terrifitastic! The Ponyville Community Theater is going to hire you for sure this year!”
“Thanks, Pinkums.” He climbed up onto the seat and gave her a kiss on the cheek, causing her to giggle in embarrassment. “You always know just what to say.”
“Kumquat.” She said lovingly as she nuzzled into the crook of his neck.
“Kumquat to you too, Pinkums. Kumquat to you too.” He said back as he started doing much of the same.
Both parents soon noticed that Li’l Cheese wasn’t kumquating with them, and they turned to see him staring worriedly at the party cannon. “Are you sure he’s okay in there, Mommy?” Li’l Cheese asked, “I’m afraid Daddy Al is gonna get all cramped up in there, like the pickles in the jar before we use them for Daddy’s special jellybean and pickle sandwiches.”
Pinkie climbed down from her seat and rubbed a hoof on her son’s shoulder. “I'm sure he’s just fine, sweetie.” She said with a smile. “Like Mr. Doo’s magic box, my party cannon is bigger on the inside, so Ally should have plenty of room to stretch his legs. Plus he’s currently surrounded on all sides by cake, and I can’t think of a better place to be then that!”
Her words seemed to help Li’l Cheese feel better, but just to make certain, she picked up her foal and blew a raspberry into his tummy, forcing Li’l Cheese to squeal in laughter. He soon clung onto her neck and gave her the biggest hug he could manage, “You’re silly, Mommy.”
“I know.” Pinkie reciprocated his hug in kind.
Cheese was touched by a warm feeling as he watched his wife show such love to their child. He immediately decided he wanted to be a part of it, only to be flung from his seat and onto his family when the train abruptly stopped. He hated it when random situations ruined nice family moments.
Pinkie Pie’s party cannon was launched from its resting place as the Sandwiches hit the floor. The party ponies all gasped as they saw it come crashing down in the center aisle, Li’l Cheese being the first to react. “Daddy Al!”
He rushed over towards the side of his mother’s cannon, but didn’t watch where he was stepping. The next thing he knew, Li’l Cheese was tripping over the string that made the party cannon fire, and accidentally shot Weird Al into the door of the train car in a huge mess of frosting and cake batter. He slid to the ground like a pie thrown against the wall, practically unconscious.
The conductor soon strolled into through the other door to the car, “Sorry folks for the sudden stop. A flock of sheep decided to sit on the tracks. It’s gonna be a few minutes before we can—” His voice soon died in his throat as Al began to pick himself up. He was completely covered in gunk like a slime creature from outer space, and the collision did him no extra favors, as his voice was now slurred and his vision was impaired.
Clumsily, he stumbled forwards like he was walking through a bog made of taffy. “ArE we… thur yech?” He gurgled through all the cake batter pooling in his mouth.
The conductor screamed, “It’s a hideous swamp monster! Everypony run for your lives!”
The conductor and other passengers of the train all booked it out the door he had just come in from, leaving only Pinkie, Cheese, Li’l Cheese, and Al to occupy the room. Pinkie blinked as she looked around the train car, “Well, that could have gone worse.”
She and her family smiled, completely sure that the worst was over.
“Train security! On the ground, swamp monster!”
That’s when a group of five train security guard stallions burst into the room and tackled Al’s cake covered body to the floor. They then proceeded to beat Al mercilessly with their bare hooves.
Cheese moved his hoof over Li’l Cheese’s eyes so he wouldn’t witness such violence, “Yeeaah, it could have gone better too.”
The train eventually came to stop at the station in Canterlot, allowing Pinkie and Cheese to carry Weird Al’s beaten and bruised body on a stretcher. After explaining to the train security stallions that Al was a guest of Princess Twilight, they were more than willing to put a stop to their assault, and were even nice enough to supply them with a year of free train tickets as a means of apology.
Unfortunately, the damage had already been done and Al was left too delirious to walk, forcing Pinkie and Cheese to carry his admittedly heavy frame all the way across the city and towards the castle by themselves.
As they trotted down the street on their back hooves, both parents quickly noticed some of the looks they were receiving from the city’s rich inhabitants. As usual, the nobles of Canterlot were looking upon a creature different from them with feelings of disgust and disdain. This was why Pinkie and Cheese didn’t like throwing parties here, most ponies here were always so snooty and mean. They didn’t like trying anything new and always acted nasty towards other races.
They especially seemed to not like Al, which made Pinkie and Cheese not like them even more. Their brows furrowed at the negative attention they were receiving. They would have continued on their journey without saying another word, but then Li’l Cheese tugged on his daddy’s shirt to ask him a question. “Why is everypony staring at us, Daddy?”
Cheese didn’t want to go into this conversation. “What are you talking about, kiddo? Ponies stare at us all the time.”
Li’l Cheese solemnly nodded. “Yeah, but usually they’re smiling.”
Cheese exhaled out his nose. “They… don’t like Weird Al, Li’l Cheese.”
Li’l Cheese blinked in confusion. “But they haven’t even met him yet! How can they not like him if they haven’t got to know him?”
“Some ponies aren’t like us, Li’l Cheese. They decide they don’t like others just because of the way they look, and that isn’t right.”
“Maybe we could throw them a party and introduce Daddy Al to them! I bet they’ll love how silly he is as soon as they get to know him.”
Cheese shook his head, “I’m not so sure, kiddo. Some ponies aren’t willing to change their minds. Sometimes, it’s best to just leave ponies alone and ignore the thoughts they have of you.”
“But I thought everypony I didn't know was just a friend I haven't met yet?”
“They can be…” Cheese explained. His smile slightly returned as he tried to rekindle his child’s waning optimism, “...they just have to want to be your friend back.”
Li’l Cheese smiled back at his daddy, but quickly began to keep quiet as they made their way around a corner onto the main street that lead to the castle. The rest of the walk soon became unbearably silent.
Meanwhile, on a cliff higher up the mountain and overlooking Canterlot Castle, a vertical line of technicolor light soon appeared in the air. It floated several feet off the ground for a couple seconds, before opening horizontally in both directions, like an accordion whose ends had been pulled apart.
A similar sound was produced as two beings were spat out of the portal. The smaller of the two landed first. He was a bipedal translucent creature with white clothing that matched the fashion of proper English gentleman. The other being was by far much larger and looked to be completely comprised of granite. He crushed the first being underneath his body as they both landed face first on the ground below.
A groan was heard, but it didn’t come from the creature doing the crushing. The being in white floated out through the center of the other creature’s back as if his body was an open doorway.
As he rose into the air, he began to dust himself off, “I suppose it’s a good thing I’m already dead, otherwise I’d be buried six feet under right now.” He adjusted the top hat upon his head to make certain he looked as prim and proper as a gentleman was expected to. He then turned to the stony giant and placed his hands on his hips, “Now listen here, sir! What is the meaning of trying to squash me underneath your titanic girth and chiseled features?! It was most uncouth of you!”
The giant picked himself up out of the imprint he had left in the mountain stone and rose to his full height. He easily dwarfed the gentleman as he turned towards him and folded his arms behind his back. He was dressed in a blue tunic with darker blue gloves and boots on his arms and legs. A smooth metal helmet was wrapped around his head, pulling all attention to his deadly glare and crimson eyes.
The gentleman immediately flew back in terror. He had never met this creature in person before, but knew all too well of his infamous reputation. He was a destroyer of worlds, an enslaver of the weak, the most dangerous villain in the universe. The being gulped, he was…
“Lord D-Darkseid.”
Darkseid looked down at the miserable creature who had been so foolish as to shout at him. He took note of his clothing—19th century British noble wear, if his knowledge of earth history was correct—as well as the fact that the being underneath it appeared to be completely invisible. He raised one of his brows curiously. He was an odd first sight to see after being sucked into that portal, but he severely doubted he would be at all worth his time.
“Who dares bellow at the mighty Darkseid? Lord of Apokolips!”
His voice was higher-pitched and goofier sounding than the gentleman first imagined. He had heard so many stories about how intimidating and scary his gravelly voice was, but now that he was finally speaking to him, all the dread he was feeling before had flown straight out the window. In fact, he could have sworn he heard a voice like his before somewhere..?
He shook his head clear of those thoughts before Darkseid started to get impatient. The last thing he wanted was to get vaporized because he took too long answering a simple question. The being cleared his throat before speaking, “Ahem...My name is James Craddock, Milord. Known to many others in criminal circles as The Gentleman Ghost. I am a world renowned thief.”
Darkseid squinted his eyes at the Gentleman Ghost, “I’ve never heard of you.”
Gentleman Ghost began to tap his fingers together in embarrassment. “Yes, well...I am one of the Justice League’s lesser known rouges.”
“Hmm…” Darkseid was growing disinterested with their conversation. He looked up and noticed the portal floating above the ghost before watching it disappear a second later. The corner of his mouth turned upwards as he turned around to look over the cliff at the castle below them. “You wouldn’t happen to know where we are? Do you, Craddock?”
Gentleman Ghost shook his head and continued in his proper British accent, “I’m afraid I do not, my good sir. I am just as flummoxed as you are.”
Darkseid processed the Gentleman Ghost’s answer before turning his gaze back towards the castle. He noticed that it was being patrolled and guarded by several cutesy equine creatures in golden armor. His brow cocked a second time out of the absurdity of it all.
His eyes soon moved over towards the road leading up to the castle and noticed three more colorful equines running up towards it with a man on a stretcher. He almost immediately recognized him, “Is that Weird Al Yankovic?”
“Really?” Gentleman Ghost flew upwards to look over Darkseid’s shoulder and moved his head to match where Darkseid was looking. “My word, it is him! What a strange coincidence.”
Darkseid began to ponder this as Gentleman Ghost continued speaking, “You know it’s funny, but you actually sound just like him. Come to think of it, so do I. Minus the accent, of course. Talk about your long string of coincidental occurrences, am I right?”
Darkseid grumbled at his words, “This isn’t right. There are too many coincidences happening at the same time for this all to be happenstance. We were brought here for a reason and it has something to do with him.” He pointed at Weird Al just as the trio of ponies carried him into the castle.
Gentleman Ghost rubbed his nonexistent chin curiously, “How do you figure, Milord?”
Darkseid turned back to the ghost in order to explain, “Well, it’s a well known fact that ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic is an absolute monster and sadist. He makes his living by parodying the works of successful musicians in order to make them look like fools. It only makes sense that he would call us here to help him continue his reign of terror and conquer this bright and cheery land in his name.”
If Gentleman Ghost had eyeballs, he would be blinking in confusion. “Umm… I don’t believe Mr. Yankovic is a monster or a sadist, Your Lordship. I believe all his musical parodies are all in good jest.”
“What?!” Darkseid shouted in shock. “The man is totally a sadist! Have you ever heard The Night Santa Went Crazy? Or how he talks about surviving a plane crash and biting a man’s ear off in Albuquerque? ‘Weird Al Yankovic loves the idea of pain. That’s why he puts it in so many of his songs.”
Gentleman Ghost didn’t want to argue with the guy with unavoidable laser beam eyes, so he decided to relent. “As you say, Lord Darkseid, but how are we supposed to get in contact with him without alerting the entire castle to our presence?”
Darkseid closed his eyes and began to think. Gentleman Ghost had a point, they were both in completely alien territory and didn’t know what powers these equines possessed. If they tried a full frontal assault on the castle, they could easily end up dead (well in Ghost’s case, more than dead) before they even reached the doorstep.
Darkseid glanced over at Gentleman Ghost’s translucent body and soon began to form an idea. “Ghost, you are an actually specter, correct?”
Gentleman Ghost nodded his head. “That is correct.”
“Which means you should be able to possess the bodies of living creatures, correct?” This was a shot in the dark for Darkseid, after all he was only partly familiar with the concepts of human horror movies.
“That is also correct, Milord.” If Darkseid wasn’t hellbent on keeping up a stoic and intimidating appearance, he would have did a fist pump in victory.
“Perfect.” Darkseid smiled wickedly. “Then you will possess one of the guards and find out why these equines have brought Weird Al Yankovic here, then report back to me. From there, we will then come up with our next plan of attack!”
Gentleman Ghost hummed in agreement. “Oh, I like that idea! It might also give me sometime to scope out the castle’s treasury. With a castle that luxurious, you know there has to be some tasty baubles inside. I’m off!” He flew from the cliff and down into the body of an orange pegasus guard before hastily rushing into the castle.
Darkseid, meanwhile, chuckled silently to himself and backed away from the edge of the cliff to avoid detection. His grin grew wider and increasingly more evil, “I don’t know what you’re planning, Mr. Yankovic, but know that now, more than anything, that the Lord of Apokolips wants in.”
Author's Note
Disclaimer: This version of Weird Al Yankovic is a fictional representation created for this fanfic. The author of this story does not know Weird Al personally, so all thoughts and opinions stated by his character do not represent the actually opinions of the real person.
Fun Fact: This author also believes Weird Al and Dan Avidan of "Game Grumps/Ninja Sex Party" fame share many similar physical features, and would pay up to and over a million dollars to have them collaborate on an album together. (Link to possible album cover)
Darkseid and Gentleman Ghost are characters from Teen Titans Go and the Teen Titans Go vs Teen Titans movie.
