Untitled Celestia Fic

by SPark

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 7690

It’s a lovely morning in Canterlot, and you are a horrible Alicorn.

Celestia is a princess, elegant, regal, and certainly not secretly trying to mess with everyone around her for her own amusement...

Brought to you by watching Jordanis play Untitled Goose Game a bunch. Plus having Celestia be the goose instead of making Celestia deal with the goose was also his idea, and he edited it super well, so pretty much this is Jordanis' story, I just wrote bits of it.

Story is now complete!

Published 2019-10-24 23:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-15 00:17:13 UTC

A Pleasant Cruise

“Welcome aboard, Your Highness.” Prince Blueblood managed to make his bow somehow arrogant, and Celestia wondered for at least the hundredth time exactly how he managed that sort of thing. He had a gift, though admittedly an extremely unfortunate one for everyone around him.

“My pleasure,” said Celestia, smiling her usual serene smile as she stepped off of the gangplank and onto Blueblood’s luxurious air ketch. She felt a tiny, anticipatory thrill run down her spine, and quite hoped that she wouldn’t be proved a liar. The afternoon would be a trial if things went all according to Blueblood’s plans, but Celestia might just turn things around for herself, if she was lucky.

The yacht’s deck was already thronged with Canterlot’s elite. Celestia moved among them, a great white shape like a swan amid lesser birds. They milled about as the airship cast off and began proudly, ponderously parading away from Canterlot. There were already waiters moving with trays of food and drinks held in their magic or dexterously in hoof.

Celestia snagged a glass of white wine and considered her next move.

“A fine afternoon for a flight, Your Highness.”

Celestia turned and found the Zebrican ambassador standing just beside her. With a tiny hint of regret she put her plans aside for the moment. Diplomatic moments were far from off-limits—a princess must always bear in mind her responsibilities, but nothing was truly off-limits when completing a task—yet the ambassador was also somebody Celestia personally liked, and as Celestia had no pressing tasks involving her just now, setting aside all thoughts not related to the simple joy of catching up with a friend was clearly Celestia’s best bet.

In any case, it would be almost an hour until the airship reached the optimal location, so there was plenty of time yet.

Celestia enjoyed nearly half an hour of uninterrupted conversation, and when inevitably somebody did manage to pull her attention away, she dealt with the would-be toady easily enough. Her mind was busily ticking off her plans as she went through the practiced moves of seeming amenable to the noblestallion’s requests while promising nothing whatsoever.

The preparations necessary to achieve tonight’s goal floated through her mind as she smiled and nodded. The spot where the gangplank had attached was now gated off, but the gate’s latch could be unloosed if she only used a touch of magic. She needed a brief unseen moment or a cover under which she could light her horn unremarked, that was all. Then there would have to be a warding charm, one that would last without her attention, as it would be distinctly elsewhere. Collateral damage was bad form, after all..

And, of course, the ship itself had to be coaxed lower to the ground. A certain amount of extremely minor injury was permissible, but certainly not the results of a fall from normal cruising height. She already had several ideas about how to accomplish that.

Yes, this day was going to be perfect. Everything would be set up by the time they got there, and then she would only have to provide a suitable distraction and a small nudge…

Celestia finished her conversation with the toady and picked up a second glass of wine as she strolled further. Holding the drink in her field provided the cover she needed to begin. Casting two spells at once was trivial, though she did miss something or other that Blueblood came over to babble in her ear while she was casting the warding. Celestia opted to not ask him to repeat himself; odds were that whatever it was hadn’t been worth hearing.

Railing unlatched and warding in place, Celestia excused herself from Blueblood’s dubious company and made her way into the ship’s cabin, ducking to get her horn clear of the door. She noticed that Blueblood was still trailing after her and smiled. She was about to get very lucky indeed. If her suggestion didn’t work on the captain, it would definitely work on the boor.

“Your Highness!” The helmspony jumped and let go of the wheel, but Celestia gave him a reassuring smile.

“No need to bow. I just came to thank you for the wonderful job you’re doing. I know piloting a yacht can be quite tricky, they’re often difficult, fussy ships.”

The helmspony chuckled. “Yes, Your Highness. They’re designed for comfort and for flashy looks, not for ease of flying.”

“Well you’re doing a marvelous job. You obviously know how to fly. I imagine you could skim her so close to the lake that we’d leave a wake without even touching the water, just from the breeze from our passing. Not that I’m asking you to!” She smiled, shaking her head. “But I’m quite certain you could, and it would be very thrilling. Impressive, even.”

She stood for just a beat, looking out the windows. “Lovely view too, but I shall leave you to it. Keep up the excellent work.”

“Thank you, Your Highness!” The helmspony actually blushed.

A tiny glance behind her showed Blueblood ducking into the cabin. Perfect. She hadn’t even finished crossing to the railing when the ship began to lose altitude.

The water took up most of the horizon now, and only minutes later the ship was over it.

Celestia worked her way over to the railing, standing next to the now-unsafe gate where she’d come on board. The ship dipped lower and lower, until it was just above the waves. It slowed as it dipped; the pilot wasn’t an idiot, it seemed...unlike the stallion who was now standing in the midst of the crowd, declaiming about the vast wealth that had enabled him to hire the very best airship pilot in Canterlot.

Most ponies managed to not roll their eyes, a necessary skill among the upper class of Canterlot. Celestia didn’t either, but only said, “The view from the railing is delightful, one could nearly reach out and touch the waves. Don’t you agree, Blueblood?”

“Most definitely, Auntie Celestia,” he said, predictably trotting over to stand at her side. She waited, letting him settle in next to her, giving him a welcoming nod and smile. Then she shifted a mere hoof’s breadth—though one of her own broad hooves, admittedly—to the side. Unconsciously, Blueblood shifted too, maintaining his position relative to her.

It was all she could do to not wear a feral grin. Blueblood started prattling on again, and she smiled and nodded and blandly agreed, while every so often shifting just a bit. He was almost directly in front of the gap now, and not even aware of it.

Then, “Blueblood! Old chap!” sounded from the other side of the ship, and the prince wheeled and left with only a cursory, “Excuse me, Your Highness.”

Celestia allowed herself the tiniest possible snort. That had been more than a little rude, though the real annoyance was the interruption to her little gambit. Still, that was Blueblood for you. He was actually shockingly egalitarian, in that he treated absolutely everyone thoughtlessly, even Princess Celestia herself.

Well, there was a lot of lake, they’d be over it for a while. She’d merely have to try again.

It took almost half an hour, and she’d had to subtly intervene to keep the pilot from sending the ship up higher, but she finally got Blueblood back next to the gate in the railing, and back engaged in his usual prattle. She shifted, shifted, shifted, glee and tension both rising secretly within her as she finally got him situation directly in front of the gap. He was so focused on the nonsense he was spouting he hadn’t noticed. She changed the direction of her shifting, rotating now, making him turn.

He was right in front of the gap. His back was to it. All she needed now was a quick startle. Opportunity was almost here… Almost, almost, almost…

The waiter she’d been watching from the corner of her eye passed within reach. She snagged an orderve in her magic and tangled the hooves of the poor stallion at the same time. He flew to the ground only a wing’s length away, and Celestia startled dramatically at the crash, spreading out her wings out wide and angling them just so.

The sudden fan of massive feathers in front of Blueblood was so surprising that he leaped backward...into a gate that swung open freely as he touched it.

Triumph and glee rushed through Celestia as the odious prince hit the water with a splash. Centuries of practice, however, kept her features smooth, her expression merely of mild dismay as she exclaimed, “Oh dear, Blueblood has fallen overboard! Someone please have the pilot stop the ship, and can someone find a rope to throw him, perhaps?”

Already well behind the still moving airship, Blueblood surfaced with a sputter, and Celestia allowed her lips to curve ever so slightly.

~~Rake in the lake~~

Beautification

Celestia sprinted across the scrap of lawn in one of Canterlot’s many picturesque city squares. She had to be quick, quick, quick; ponies would be gathering for the upcoming Florist’s Guild Spring Beautification ceremony any minute now. The area had been cordoned off in preparation, so there were no casual pedestrians, but she had a gap of mere minutes between the park management ponies who’d set up the cordon leaving and the city officials arriving.

She reached the base of the plinth that stood at the center of the little bit of grass and looked up, permitting herself a wild grin. The statue was of white marble, touched by only the faintest ghost of gray veining. And the enchantment on its carven mane and tail truly was superb; the colors and the flow were astonishingly realistic.

Hooves sounded in the distance.

Celestia’s heart pounded. Quick, quick, quick. Her horn lit, the statue vanished with a pop, and Celestia leaped atop the plinth in a single, graceful bound.

A second brief spell, long practiced on many diplomatic occasions, calmed rapid breath and racing heart, putting her in a near trance.

Celestia posed carefully, as the statue had been posed, all four hooves planted, head raised regally. The only difference was her eyes were closed, but would anyone notice and remember, that the statue’s eyes had been open?

She’d known, the instant she’d seen the statue, with its white marble, inlaid gold and brass cutie mark, and magically flowing hair, that it would end up part of the game eventually. The pose was perfect to hold for long periods, and the hair made it all possible.

The statue’s triumphant grin was her own as ponies gathered around her. This was going to be such fun!

Though also a little boring, she decided, as the Florist’s Guild Master began his speech. The guild picked a statue to hold this little function at every year, and this year Celestia had managed to nudge the choice to the new statue, just so she’d have this opportunity.

The speech was about the beauty the guild brought into the city with their greenhouses and their cooled train cars full of country-grown flowers, how decking this statue symbolized decking the city itself, and so on. It was a very nice little speech, but sun above, it was taking forever. Celestia concentrated on staying in the physical state of near trance where she barely had to breathe as the speech went on and on and on.

The speech finally ended, just as Celestia wondered how much longer she could manage to hold still. She held her breath, not twitching so much as a muscle, as the Guild Master floated an elaborate wreath of hundreds of flowers, trailing ribbons and adorned with lace, even, and slid it over her withers.

A round of applause rose from the crowd, some hooves loud on cobbles, others muffled on grass, but then the ceremony was finally over.

Celestia continued to wait as the members of the Florist’s Guild trickled out of the square. The last of them were just leaving as she heard the distinctive hoofbeats of a pair of Guardsponies coming to take down the tape ringing the square. There would be no better chance than this, even if this moment wasn’t perfect.

The risk of being caught was part of the game⁠—not that Celestia ever got caught anymore. Well, hardly ever.

She cast the spell swiftly, performing a precisely perfect double-teleport, swapping places with the statue, and the usual bang of teleportation was totally absent, since there was no air rushing in to the void she’d just left, or being blown out of the space she now occupied.

The flowers, meanwhile, still decked Celestia’s neck as she reappeared in her quarters.

“Been having fun again, Your Highness?”

The dry voice was familiar, and Celestia managed to not jump.

“I have indeed,” she said, turning with grave solemnity and arching her neck to show off the flowers to Raven, her private secretary.

Raven only smiled and shook her head. “Another point for you then, I suppose?”

“Oh yes.” Celestia grinned. Raven was one of only three ponies besides herself who knew about her game. “A point and a trophy, I believe. I happen to know a spell for preserving flowers. This is lovely; I’ll keep it around for a bit.” She arched her neck again, peacocking outrageously.

Raven only chuckled and pulled out the rest of the day’s schedule.

~~Get dressed up with a wreath~~

Everypony Here Is So Helpful

It is very difficult to tip-toe silently when you are wearing sollerets and the floor is made of crystal. Celestia was painfully aware of this, but she did her best all the same. Her magic was occupied holding Cadance’s formal crown floating in front of her. She might have cast a hoof-muffling spell as well, but if she was caught, that would look very suspicious. As she was now, any passing servant would simply assume she had a reason to be carrying Cadance’s crown.

She did, of course, but the reason had nothing to do with Cadance.

She shuffled her hooves, making as little noise as possible, and continued through the early morning halls of the Crystal Palace. They were vast and labrynthine, and her destination was quite a long way from the vault where the crown was kept. She rounded yet another corner, mentally planning her route, and halted at the sight of a pony coming the other way.

“Oh, your highness! Let me get that for you!”

Crystalline hooves plucked the crown from Celestia’s field almost before she could blink.

“I’m sure you have better things to do than carry this around. Wherever did you find it? I’ll put it where it belongs right away.”

Inwardly cursing, Celestia smiled serenely. “Why thank you, that’s very kind. Although I’m not especially busy this morning, there’s no need to go out of your way for my sake.”

“Don’t worry, your highness, fetching and carrying is my job.” The palace maid gave Celestia a cheerful smile and trotted off, crown tucked under one foreleg.

Celestia sighed. Oh...foo. She would have to start all over again once the maid had returned the crown. She had a meeting at noon, so her time was limited. Perhaps she should have waited until sundown. Although, being caught sneaking through the palace at night would be much more awkward.

Oh well. It wasn’t meant to be easy. The challenge was part of the fun, after all.

She trotted down the hall as if to some imaginary appointment, but the first chance she had she doubled back, slipping as silently as she could manage towards Cadance’s empty rooms and the adjacent vault. The other alicorn was at a summit meeting, which Celestia had managed to get excluded from on the spurious but apparently-acceptable logic that it would be easier for the various northern delegates to speak freely without her powerful southern self listening in. Which meant that Cadance was up to her eyebrows in reindeer and yaks, wearing the lighter crown she preferred on any occasion she could get away with calling less formal, while Celestia had a two-hour window to attempt to steal the heavier Imperial Crown with its elaborate heart-shaped crystal top.

Ten minutes was long enough for the maid to put the crown back on its cushion in Cadance’s overgrown walk-in closet and vacate the room, no doubt to attend to vital business. Servants kept the Crystal Empire going just as much as they kept Equestria going, and Celestia had great respect for them. Just now, though, they were a terrible nuisance.

Still, there was nearly an hour and a half left in her window, so she lifted the crown again, replaced the note that read “Removed for Conservation” and slipped out the door. She threaded her way once more through the maze of palace corridors, tramping always the least trafficked, the back passages where haughty hooves would never tread.

Other hooves, though... a brisk clip-clop ahead of her made Celestia duck down a side passage, wings folded tight in the narrow servant’s hall.

“Eek!” The crystal pony who turned a sudden corner and nearly collided with Celestia was a stallion, but he squealed like a colt. Celestia managed to suppress her giggle and only gave him a small, regal nod.

“Good morning.”

“Your highness!” He blinked at her for a moment. “Cadance’s crown? Was it misplaced somewhere? It’s very kind of you to put it away, but I can do that for you.”

“It’s fine, there’s no need. I’m sure you’re quite busy.” Celestia managed to smile without clenching her teeth. Why did these ponies have to be so sun-blasted helpful?

The stallion reached up and plucked the crown from her magic. Rather than get into a tug-of-war, Celestia let it go, with an internal sigh. “It’s fine, your highness. I’m headed that way in any case.”

“How helpful of you,” said Celestia, her tone warm, her face smiling, her internal self seething. Still, she managed a polite nod as the stallion trotted past her. Once he was out of sight she leaned sideways against the wall, letting her head thunk against it. This was proving to be quite a challenge.

Fifteen minutes later she was slipping out the door of Cadance’s rooms yet again, crown clutched perhaps a little too tightly in her magic. At least Flurry Heart was with Sunburst this morning, and Shining Armor drilling for a parade later on, else the whole thing would have been impossible.

She got almost halfway across the palace this time before being intercepted. “Did Cadance call for her crown?” said the guard, who should have been standing at his station two corridors away, according to Celestia’s mental map, but for some terrible reason was not.

“I can carry that to her, your highness,” said the stallion, reaching out with one hoof.

Celestia lifted the crown above his reach, glad of the high ceilings. Having the crown put back on its cushion was annoying, having it carried to Cadance would end the game, at least for today. She was not going to give up so easily.

“That’s unnecessary, but thank you. I’ll just be on my way now…” Celestia tried to step around the guard, smiling gently as she did.

“No, I can get it.” He stepped in front of her, going up on his hind legs and reaching. Celestia tried very hard to not grit her teeth as she lifted the crown higher.

She gave up on maintaining perfect dignity and darted around him, flaring her wings slightly to nudge him aside as she moved. “Please simply return to your duties, I can take care of this,” she said over her shoulder, keeping her tone pleasant but firm, striding away from the now-baffled guard all the time.

“But your highness…” He trailed off, clearly puzzled, but then, much to her annoyance, started after her.

She broke into a trot, taking long strides, hoping to open the distance between them enough for the guard to give up. Instead she heard the cadence of the hooves behind her fall into a gallop. Even with her longer legs, he’d catch up at that pace. With her heart racing, Celestia broke into a gallop of her own.

Ahead was another junction, and she flared her wings to help make the corner without slowing.

“Your highness! I can help!” came a call from behind her. “Why are we running?”

“Princess?” Another voice added itself to the one behind, and Celestia looked back to see—oh bother—a mare she recognized as a head maid coming from another branch of the junction behind her and joining the guard. “What’s going on, do you need assistance?”

Celestia had to bite back a wild laugh. This was completely absurd, and she might have some explaining and soothing to do after, but oh sweet sun above it was also glorious! She rounded another corner, wings flapping, and found a long, straight stretch ahead. She poured on the speed, taking full advantage of her long stride, moving at a pace none of the ponies behind her could hope to match.

A door ahead opened and another maid stepped out, a feather duster clenched in her teeth. She turned at the sound of Celestia’s rapid gallop and froze, eyes going wide. There was no time to stop, not on the slick floor and in any case Celestia wasn’t going to give up and halt now! The corridor here wasn’t very wide either, and the maid was frozen right in the middle. No going left or right. But the ceilings were as absurdly high here as anywhere, so there was one stupid, wonderful option.

Celestia leaped. She couldn’t fully spread her wings, but she opened them as much as she could, invoking pegasus magic as much as flapping feathers, and cleared the maid by a good half-dozen hoof-widths.

Her solarettes clanged impressively on the floor as she came down in a perfect landing—hopefully she hadn’t chipped it!—and she raced onward without pause. A further commotion behind her suggested at least one of the chasing crystal ponies hadn’t reacted quickly enough and had run into the poor maid. Perfect!

Pursuit foiled, Celestia turned another corner, slowing to a canter, and finally reached the part of the palace she’d been after. She slowed again to a calm, ordinary walk as she came to a particular door.

It was bracketed by two guards, but they were her own Solar Guard, not the local crystal ponies, and they kept their eyes fixed forward, ignoring her entirely, just as they’d been trained. She ignored them as well; trying to say hello would only annoy them, since they couldn’t reply. Instead she opened the door to her quarters and then shut it firmly behind her.

Step one accomplished! With a huge grin on her face she opened her luggage, where her own crown and regalia were stowed when not in use, and tucked Cadance’s crown into the bag. There. Now she only had to have the bag carried back to Canterlot with her, just as always. Then an easy sneak through the familiar palace, and this crown would be swapped with one of her old crowns, where it was on display in one of the open-to-tourists sections of the palace. Then she would see how long it took someone to notice that instead of the “Crown worn by Princess Celestia, 822-945” it was actually Cadance’s. Hopefully she would get to at least hear about the inevitable confused kerfluffle when the discovery was made.

A giggle escaped her as she finished closing up the luggage. She was awful.

With a grin still on her face, she took a moment to make sure her feathers were in order and her regalia on straight, and then headed out of the room once more. It was almost time for the summit luncheon, and she needed to be there to preside. But oh, it had been good to have a little fun first.

~~Steal Cadance’s beautiful formal crown…~~

The Task List

“Taking in a bit of history, sister?”

Celestia nearly dropped the crown hovering in her magic. Given that it was currently suspended above a display of priceless historical artifacts, some of them quite fragile, that would have been a bit of a bother. Still, Celestia managed to only roll her eyes a little bit. “Hello Luna. I haven’t crossed this off the list yet. Are you getting psychic?”

Luna chuckled. “No, merely nocturnal as usual. I was taking a break from dream herding, so I heard you leaving your rooms.”

“Ah. Well, let me put this in place. Then we can compare notes.” Celestia turned her attention back to the crown and finished floating it to its new place in the miniature museum. “There. Bets on how long it takes someone to notice?”

Luna chuckled. “Ponies can be quite unobservant. A week at the least, I think.”

“If Twilight happens to visit this wing, until that point.” Celestia grinned. “Otherwise I say closer to a year.”

“Hah. Indeed.”

“Here, let me cross this off.” Celestia pulled a little notebook out of her mane; it had her cutie mark on one cover and Luna’s on the other.

~~…and bring it home to put on display.~~

“Excellent.” Luna produced an identical book and flipped it open on the side with Celestia’s cutie mark, revealing an identical list. The last item was just finishing crossing itself off.

“I saw that you finally got Lady Hinnylane into that hat,” said Celestia, giving her tail a cheerful flick.

Luna tossed her head and gave a laughing whinny. “She looked absurd! It was glorious. I assured her that she was the height of fashion.”

Celestia laughed. “I wish I could have seen it. I have an idea for your next task, too. I think you’re ready for a bit of a challenge.”

Luna lifted one eyebrow. “Knowing you, I feel I should be afraid.”

“Considering what you just had me do, oh yes. I had to steal this thing,” she jerked her head at the crown in the display, “four times! Including once after getting it into my luggage, when an oh-so-helpful servant tried to help me pack and found the ‘misplaced’ crown. That one ended up requiring an emergency teleport to pull off, and I hate teleporting while playing. It feels like cheating, even if it’s not against the rules.” Celestia shook her head, then gave Luna a downright wicked grin. “I’d say you have your hoof back in now, so I’m not going to go easy on you. Of course the small ones are still quite fun. I’ll add one of those as well.” Celestia flipped her notebook around, to the side with Luna’s cutie mark, and opened it. After “~~Make Lady Hinnylane wear a sunhat~~” she wrote “Get Fancypants’ hooves wet” and “Make an ambassador spit their tea.”

“Oh, that first shall be fun,” said Luna, looking at her identical list, where the tasks had appeared. “And the second… I believe I know just who and how to try it.”

“Let me just add one more.” Celestia scribed one more line in her neat, looping hornwriting.

Luna looked at her notebook and shook her head. “Oh, fie! You know ‘tis always busy there.”

“I trust you can do it.”

“Hmmm. Perhaps if I take it in bits, after dark. Though there is still quite a bit of night time traffic. And setup…”

“There’s a tea house right there, and I happen to know they don’t lock the back door. You can steal all the plates and cups and so on in one go.” Celestia smiled.

“How gracious of you to give me a hint.” Luna chuckled. “Although that is not the difficult part. But very well. Challenge accepted! A full high tea shall be had, sight unseen, in the midst of Trotfalgar square. Now, for your next challenge, sister dear…” Luna grinned, downright sadistically.

“Why am I suddenly worried?” said Celestia, still smiling.

“We have ‘messed with’ many ponies, but we have never had a task targeting your delightful former student,” began Luna.

“You wouldn’t!” said Celestia in dismay.

“The rules say that no one, neither pony nor gryphon nor even dragon, is exempt from being targeted.”

“Yes but… Twilight! Asking me to pull a prank her is evil, sister. Evil, evil, evil.”

“Well, and are we not horrible alicorns?” Luna’s grin only grew more broad. “Fear not, I shall give you a few other tasks as well, sister, but rules are rules. No one is exempt, and using your veto crowns us the winner by default for the entire year.”

Celestia hesitated. Targeting Twilight… She gave a little shudder at all the ways in which that could go wrong. But letting Luna declare a win when the year wasn’t even halfway through? No, no, she could do this. “Very well. Do your worst.”

Luna only cackled and got out her pencil.

The Alicorn of Books

Celestia absolutely had a muffling spell on her hooves as she slipped through the darkness inside Twilight’s Castle of Friendship. She was taking every possible precaution tonight. None of this sportsmareship or “fair play” nonsense; she’d need every single advantage she could get.

At least getting in had been easy. The castle was semi-public, and although it was locked at night, the lock had been simplicity itself to open.

Now, though, as Celestia stepped into Twilight’s personal library, she could feel the force of the warding spells all around her. It wasn’t that any of them were especially strong, there were just so many of them! And the fiendish ways that they looped intricately around and through each other—they were layered and nuanced things, draped like glittering lace over every book and shelf in the room.

Celestia shuddered at the flood of information from her horn. Her heart was racing, her whole body tense as she approached the terrifyingly competent spells protecting Twilight’s precious books.

Now, Celestia, she told herself, calm down. You are the alicorn of the sun, the ruler of Equestria, with countless centuries of experience. You can do this. The worried little voice of doubt that had made her shudder tried to answer that the spells she was about to mess with had been laid down by the alicorn of magic, and anyway, she’d never been that skilled at fiddly spellwork. She’d always gotten by with either brute force or diplomacy.

No! She could do this. She only had to insinuate her magic into the spells enough to stretch them around a hoof-full of books. Luna hadn’t specified how many; the task list merely said “put Twilight Sparkle’s personal library out of order.” Even moving one book to the wrong spot might technically count. She could do this.

Standing here telling herself so wasn’t going to actually get it done, though. Taking a deep breath and narrowing her field to a pinpoint, Celestia began to gently pry at Twilight’s protective spells. Metaphorically speaking she slowly tugged the strands of magic away from one of the shelves and the book on it. They were brittle “threads”, and Celestia was sure they would alert their mistress if they were broken, but if she could “stretch” them delicately enough with her own spells she could pull a book or two free of them.

Abruptly the magenta strands she was working with flared, snapping back from where she’d pulled them loose and coiling around her own golden magic in a sticky tangle.

Celestia bit back a curse.

She hadn’t even begun to try and disentangle herself from whatever Twilight’s spell had done when a loud pop sounded behind her.

She still didn’t actually curse out loud, but her mind was filled with a profane litany. She’d been caught, in mid-task, by Twilight.

“Princess Celestia? What are you doing?” Twilight, who’d appeared braced for conflict, teeth bared and magic alight, now relaxed and tilted her head to the side in puzzlement.

“I was, ah, hoping to borrow a book.” Celestia reached out at random and put a hoof on a book within reach.

Twilight’s magic closed around the book in question, pulling it from the shelf. Her eyebrows went up. “This book? Really?”

“Yes, really,” said Celestia, stuck now and hoping her facade of calm confidence would once again carry the day.

“You had a desperate, 3am need for Sweet Savage Love?” Twilight gave Celestia a stern look, but it was slightly spoiled by the flush on her cheeks.

Celestia managed to not choke. “And what if I did? There’s nothing wrong with that.” She lifted her chin primly before continuing, “Clearly there’s nothing untoward about it, given that it’s on your shelf. Or are you ashamed of owning it?”

“Aheh. It’s not mine. It belongs to Rarity. She left it behind the other day.” Twilight’s cheeks were even more red now. “I mean no, there’s nothing wrong with saddle rippers, but really, it’s not my book.”

“And that’s why it was on your own personal shelf, in your own personal collection? Because Rarity left it here?” Perhaps if she could embarrass Twilight enough, she’d forget everything and shoo Celestia away to avoid the conversation.

“Books should be properly filed. Seeing it sit on the desk was bothering me.” Twilight glanced away, her ears flicking back.

Celestia chuckled. Suddenly she could believe it.

“Anyway, I don’t think I believe you.” Twilight rallied, and her tone turned sly. “I happen to know that you already have a copy of this under your bed.”

Now it was Celestia’s turn to blush. “And just how do you know that?” she fired back.

Twilight waved a dismissive hoof. “I know things about books.”

Celestia snorted. “Twilight. You are not the alicorn of books, no matter what you or anypony else might say. Just when were you looking under my bed? Definitely not recently…”

“Never mind.” Twilight was positively scarlet now. “Don’t think you can embarrass me out of finding out what’s going on, Celestia. We both know perfectly well that you didn’t come here for this.” She wiggled the book in her magic, then slid it back into its place on the shelf. “So what did you come here for?”

Celestia cast about desperately for some other gambit, for something else to say, but couldn’t think of anything. What plausible lie would cover her being in Twilight’s library, messing with her books? She’d been backed into a corner, and coming up with some other half-baked excuse wouldn’t work. Twilight already didn’t believe she was borrowing one, she had no realistic reason to need to catalog them or consult one. Why else would she need Twilight’s library in the middle of the night?

“Well? Is this some kind of…prank or something?”

Celestia sighed, accepting defeat. Twilight—and by extension Luna—had won. She’d failed and there was no recovering. “Something like that.”

“Oh?” Twilight sat back on her haunches, fixing Celestia with a faux-innocent expression of wide-eyed curiosity.

Celestia snorted. “Don’t look at me like that. I suppose I might as well tell you.”

Twilight tucked her tail neatly about her and settled her wings, then looked at Celestia expectantly. Celestia would have felt proud of Twilight’s perfect response—expectant silence was a much better way to get somepony to explain herself than asking questions—except at the moment she was far too busy feeling embarrassed. “Well, it started with a prank war.”

When Celestia paused, Twilight said, “Luna once mentioned that you pranked each other when you were younger.”

“Yes. We had an unfortunate tendency to…escalate things, though, which eventually got a bit out of hoof. There were several incidents of considerable collateral damage, and we both ended up quite upset at each other.” Celestia shook her head. “I sometimes wonder if those arguments didn’t add to the growing disconnect that lead to, well, to the Nightmare and all that came with it. In any case, we declared an end to the prank war, and eventually the events you’re already familiar with unfolded. When Luna returned and we talked over those days, she told me that she missed the early days of innocent, harmless pranks. So...between us we devised a new game. Rather than prank each other, we would assign each other pranks—mostly very small, very simple—to perform on other ponies. There is a scoring system for completing them, but we’ve both found that while winning is, of course, better than the alternative, succeeding at the task itself is very much its own reward. I think, however, that we may still have a problem with escalation—Luna definitely upped the ante by sending me here to prank you.”

“Ah. I see.” Twilight frowned. “So you were going to do something to my books? I can’t say I approve.”

Celestia shrugged with a sheepish smile. “I was only going to put a few of them out of order, so you’d be puzzled when you couldn’t remember mis-shelving them.”

Twilight smiled wryly. “I suppose that’s relatively harmless. I probably wouldn’t have tried any time travel to figure out how I’d managed to misplace a book.”

Celestia decided it was best to believe that was meant to be a joke. “Well, that’s rather the point. Minor vexations are the usual sort of prank. Although what ‘minor’ means can be a bit flexible. Also, sometimes it’s not so much about vexing ponies as it is about an amusing challenge. Right now, Luna is trying to have a tea party in Trotfalgar Square without being caught doing it, for example.”

“Oh my.” Twilight’s eyes flicked back and forth, and Celestia could almost hear her thinking. “That would be an interesting challenge... Are there limits on magic use?”

Celestia chuckled. Trust Twilight to zero in on the technical challenge. “Not as such, but we try to keep the spellwork to a minimum. It’s not challenging to merely teleport things around, though sometimes it becomes inescapable.”

“Interesting.” Twilight’s brow was furrowed, obviously still thinking deeply.

There was a long pause as the two alicorns looked at each other. Then, her head tilting in curiosity, and a little smile tugging at the corner of her lips, Twilight said, “So, hypothetically, how would a pony get herself assigned her first challenge?”

Horrible Alicorns

Canterlot Palace never entirely slept. All the same, just at sunset it wasn’t exactly bustling, so Twilight didn’t encounter many ponies as she trotted confidently through the halls. She estimated that she had a perfect seven and a half minute window to complete her mission.

Her nerves were thrumming with excitement and her pulse was pounding with terror. She was playing a prank! She was doing something against the rules on purpose! She was participating in Celestia and Luna’s game! Her ears flicked up and down unpredictably as the mixed emotions swept over her.

After an anxious eternity—or perhaps it was much too fast?—of trying to walk through the halls with a normal, confident stride, Twilight reached her first goal, a stretch of corridor with dropcloths strewn about and cans of paint, sealed up for the night, stacked against a half-painted wall.

She plucked two of them from the stack, along with a paintbrush, and floated them behind her as she continued on her way.

The throne room was unguarded, and Twilight just barely managed to resist a hoof-pump: she’d timed it perfectly. Celestia’s day guard had gone, and Luna’s night guard hadn’t turned up yet. The intensity of the excitement that rushed through her at realizing she was almost certainly going to succeed surprised her.

With a tiny little giggle of scandalized delight she pulled one of the big double doors open and darted inside. After shutting the door behind her, she trotted up the long run of red carpet to the dais where two thrones, sized just the same but designed quite differently, sat side by side.

“Decorate Luna’s throne,” read the impeccably horn-written line in the little journal Celestia had magicked for her.

“What, with flowers and balloons?” had been the first thing to come out of Twilight’s mouth after seeing Celestia’s first task for her.

Celestia had laughed, that gentle, knowing laugh of hers. “Oh Twilight. Always so literal. No, the tasks are…indirect sometimes. Part of the fun is figuring out exactly how they are meant to vex ponies. Or how you can best interpret them to do so. Would balloons vex Luna?”

“Confuse her yes, so maybe a little, but…” Twilight had frowned. “Not really vex, exactly, no.”

“What sort of decoration do you think would vex her?”

Twilight thought. “Hmm. Something that would be more than just strange. Something that would needle her specifically in some way…” A grin spread slowly across Twilight’s face. She knew exactly what she needed to do.

Now she set down the cans of paint, one white, one gold, and set to work. It was a quick and dirty job; she didn’t worry too much about perfect edges. Time. Was. Ticking! Indeed, she’d only just set down the brush when she heard hooves in the corridor outside.

With an almost manic grin on her face she scooped up the paint cans in her magic and teleported out, using the air-swap method to remove the tell-tale “pop”, so that she vanished silently and without a trace.

She re-appeared in Celestia’s rooms and immediately caroled, “I did it!”

“Shall we scry and see her reaction?” said Celestia, with an indulgent smile.

Twilight danced in place excitedly. “Please! Yes! Hee!” She felt herself nearly vibrating with a forbidden thrill.

With another chuckle, Celestia lit her horn and cast a scrying spell, opening a circular window into the throne room. Luna had obviously just stepped inside, and was standing, flanked by a pair of guards, and staring at the pair of white-and-gold thrones. The expression of surprise on her face made Twilight feel like she might explode. How was something so small so exciting?

Then Luna looked directly at the scrying window, her eyes narrowing, and said, “This indignity shall not go unanswered, sister.”

Twilight saw Celestia flush, and she shut the scrying spell down. “Oh dear. I fear I have inadvertently restarted our old prank war, through you.”

With a small, serene smile Twilight reached out and patted Celestia’s shoulder. “Luna can’t prank you directly, right? I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

Celestia frowned faintly. “I suppose.”

“Don’t worry about it. Whatever happens, I won’t participate in letting things get out of control.” Then she couldn’t help her grin. “That was so much fun, though. Her expression! Hee!”

Celestia let slip a little giggle. “It was, wasn’t it? You see why we play?”

“I do! So, let me cross this one off.” She pulled out her notebook, with her cutie mark on one side and Celestia’s on the other, and with a sense of deep satisfaction, drew a line through her completed task.

~~Decorate Luna’s Throne.~~

Some time later Twilight carefully shelved the magical notebook on a shelf that contained various personal journals and notebooks that she’d filled over the years. Then she pulled out a second small book, shelved next to it. Things had gone very well this evening, and she felt she was ready to fully commit to the game.

That meant checking the other book, the one that she’d received after getting a second opinion on the nature and history of the game. The one that held her own cutie mark on one cover and Luna’s on the other.

She opened it up, and saw that though her side of the book had been blank when Luna had given it to her, a task had since appeared there.

A broad grin blossomed on her face. This was going to be such fun.

Make Celestia go barehoof

Author's Note

And we're done! Thanks everyone for all the love and laughter. Thanks again to Jordanis for all the ideas and the editing.

Thanks also, as always to my patrons on Patreon, who sometimes pretty much keep the lights on around here. Or at least pay for the beer.

Afternoon Tea

“HONK!”

“Oh!” Lady Smuggington jumped, her teacup dropping to the rug as the loud noise made her lose control of her field. The richly-attired unicorn turned around on her chaise, her expression one of both shock and bafflement. “Princess Celestia, was that…” She stopped short of uttering the unthinkable question. The elegant alicorn who stood before her, one hoof upraised with perfect poise, could not possibly have made that hideous noise, of course.

Celestia could tell what had stopped the high-bred unicorn’s question as clearly as if she could read the pony’s mind.

“Was what, Lady Smuggington?”

“Oh, ah, did you hear that?”

Celestia tilted her head, allowing an expression of gentle bafflement to cross her features. “Hear what?”

“There was a…sound.” The lady now looked even more confused. Celestia circled back around the chaise. One hoof, with calculated precision, just tapped the fallen teacup, sending it silently rolling beneath the chair Celestia herself had occupied before engineering an excuse to get up and circle the room.

“I didn’t hear anything of note,” said Celestia calmly.

“Oh. Well. I mean, I thought…”

Celestia put a soothing wing across Lady Smuggington’s withers. “Nothing to be concerned about, I’m sure.” Meanwhile, as this put her head out of the lady’s field of view, she swiftly lit her horn and whisked the teacup out from under her chair and toward the window. There was a brief pause to allow for a mental calculation of angles, and then...release.

The cup tumbled through the afternoon air, unseen, falling from the window of Celestia’s formal tea parlor to the canal, where water from the spring that lay beneath the palace flowed from a series of fountains to the great waterfall that tumbled to the city below.

Celestia continued her informal interview with the noble owner of Canterlot’s worst purveyor of yellow journalism, but inside a secret little glow thrilled through her--the deep satisfaction of a task being crossed off her list.

~~Steal a teacup and drop it in the canal~~