Captains, Cupcakes, and Contests
Princess Celestia was sitting in her throne room, pondering the world. The guards below were practicing their “intimidating stance”, but Celestia could see their tails twitch with boredom. They weren't the only ponies. Celestia's wings were screaming, she wished to stretch them in the sun. Neigh, she wished to fly. Over the hills, through the dangerous canyons, out to the sea. It had been a long time since she had flown, with or without other ponies. Celestia remembered a time when it was normal for royalty to fly. If things were different, maybe she could have a race with Twilight Sparkle's friend, Rainbow Dash. She could show that filly a thing or two about flying.
Perhaps she could visit Twilight. But Celestia knew that her student would just want to study or give an oral report. Celestia was fond of her student, and loved to see her progress in her studies, but Celestia didn't want to sit in a room and read. Besides, Twilight and her friends would just treat her like what she was: a princess. They would bow and stumble with their words like “Princess Celestia” would smite them if they failed at anything.
Celestia never wanted this. She wanted to go back to the days when she was barely a full-grown Alicorn. She wanted to play tag in the sun with her sister. She wanted to have an adventure, save a burning village from a... hundred-foot tall, fire-breathing manticore! With two heads! Luna could distract it, and I would smack it to the moon! Everypony would cheer-
Enough of this foalish nonsense, the princess scolded herself. You are Princess Celestia, God Empress of Ponydom. You are not to go around, thinking such... ridiculous fancies. But Celestia knew it would be grand to be the Alicorn she once was. Fighting dragons, protecting her people, having fun. But that time was over. The Elements of Harmony had found its new hosts, and what was she left with? Signing treaties and listening to ponies about “inflation in the stock market.”
Things are so bad, she thought sullenly, that the most exciting thing that happened last week was the chef burning my dessert.
But Celestia knew she couldn't do those exciting, lively things. She had responsibility, all the ponies of her kingdom depended on her, what would happen if she made that kind of mistake? Horrible things. I'm just going to have to stop thinking these-
Her grumpy thoughts were interrupted by a sudden chill. The Princess knew that feeling. But it's been a long time since I've felt it. I almost thought it had stopped, Celestia thought as the world started shaking.
The air around her crackled with electricity, and the throne room spun. The guards stood in silence, as if nothing was happening. And nothing was happening, for them. They were, after all, mortal. But Celestia felt the tremors and the saw the parts of the room suddenly shrouded in empty darkness, she saw her sister open the left door and stand next to her as the world swallowed itself. Celestia closed her eyes.
***
Almost as suddenly as they began, the tremors stopped. Celestia snapped her eyes open. Everything was a white expanse, blanketed in a calm silence. Just as boring as her life.
Luna broke the silence. “Sister, shall we bring everything back?”
Celestia sighed and bowed her head sadly. “Of course we will. Carry on.”
Luna gave her a strange look, as the little sister was the one who was usually depressed. But then the princess of the night switched her attention to something in the distance. “What is that pink... creature over there?”
Celestia snapped her head up. She could see a small pink blob of color in the distance, bouncing up and down and speeding closer with every second. What could that be? “Sister, did you summon that... thing?”
Luna looked at her with surprise. “I thought you did!” The sisters looked at each other, bewildered, and peered at the strange blob. But it wasn't there.
“Watcha lookin' at?”
Celestia and Luna fell over, clutching each other, both screaming. A pink pony with a curly mane had suddenly popped up next to them. She was smiling, and Celestia recognized her as Pinkie Pie, one of Twilight's friends.
“Cause there isn't much to look at here! It's all white, and really big, like a super huge room with no windows! Wow, that'd be no fun, having no windows! You wouldn't get to stick your head out of them and wave, and you couldn't see what other ponies are doing! And it would be really dark 'cause there wouldn't be any light! Hey, where does the light come from here, anyway? I don't see a sun or a giant candle or a window! Where are we?”
The princesses stared in shock at the pink pony, who was smiling and waiting for an answer. After a few moments, Pinkie Pie tilted her head and said, “Did you fall asleep with your eyes open? Wow, I wish I could do that! I tried when I was a cute, little Twinkie Pinkie, but I kept blinking! It was way too hard! You know what's hard? Trying to eat spaghetti upside-down while playing the banjo! Gummy didn't think I could do it, but he totally owes me a wheelbarrow now! Where is Gummy anyway?” After saying that, she seemed to literally deflate a little. “Where are my friends?” the pony said in a sad voice.
Pinkie's sadness seemed to snap the princesses out of their shock. They untangled themselves awkwardly and Celestia answered the little pony. “Your friends are fine. It's really hard to explain, but they just… don't exist right now. But they will soon.”
Confusion spread over Pinkie's face.
“Okay, think of the universe as a... do you know what a computer is, Pinkie?”
This seemed to spark the pink pony's interest.
“Yeah! It's this really fun machine that tells you anything you want. Like, how much a flying bicycle is, and if there are any platypus bears in Ponyville! But Mrs. Cake doesn't let me use the computer for very long, she said 'Pinkie, there's some very bad stuff on the Internet, like Foalchan!' Why do you ask?”
“Well, Pinkie, think of the universe as a fast computer. Everything runs really smoothly most of the time, but every once in a while, the computer crashes. Then you have to reload it. That's what's happening right now. The universe is just taking a break, and we're going to bring everything back the way it was. Then you will see your friends, Pinkie.”
The pink pony seemed to fluff back up with happiness. “That's super-fantastically wonderful! Cause' who wants to be without friends? You get to make them smile and be happy, and give them presents and have fun!”
Celestia chuckled at Pinkie’s antics, but could not help feeling jealous of the pink pony’s joy when her own life lacked it. But Pinkie wasn't done asking questions.
“How do you bring everything back? Do you have to make everything again? That would be so hard! Imagine all the candy we would have to make!”
“That would be hard, but luckily we don't have to. You see, in this state of being, Alicorns can 'will' any object or creature into existence. That's how we bring everything back.”
Celestia expected Pinkie to ask why haven't you brought everything back already? or something of the sort, so what the pony said instead shocked her.
“Have you ever just… not brought everything back?”
Celestia (and Luna, who had been silently listening the entire time) seemed so surprised that Pinkie elaborated quickly.
“I mean, not so soon! Just, did whatever you want, like eat a whole barrel of ice-cream and jump up and down on a mattress! Stay up late playing your favorite music really loud and not make anypony angry since nopony's there! Do cartwheels in the street and make a cake as big as Canterlot! Have you ever done that?”
She smiled, delighted by the thought. “If I could do whatever I wanted here, even for just a little bit, that's what I would do.”
Celestia and Luna looked at each other, both sharing the same thought. Why didn't I think of that before? Then they grinned at Pinkie Pie.
“What should we do first, Pinkie?” they said in unison.
Pinkie smile grew, a sparkle behind her blue eyes.
***
“Are-are you sure this is safe?” Luna asked, peeking out from behind her sister to look at the trampoline far below them. Pinkie was securing a bungee cord to the night princess's harness, making sure it was firmly attached. Celestia was standing, bemused by the entire situation and already harnessed, in front of them. The high wooden platform they were perching on tottered slightly.
Pinkie started to bounce. “Of course it is! Why wouldn't it be? If the bungee cord breaks, we'll just fall right on the trampoline! And that would be so super-duper fun ‘cause we'd bounce soooo high! Who wants to go first? Ooh, I want to go first! Pick me! Oh, maybe we should play hoof-paper-scissors to see who goes first! I pick hoof! Hooray! Did I win? Wow that would be so great if-”
Celestia suddenly interrupted. “Pinkie, I just realized something. If neither my sister nor I summoned you here, how did you come to be here?” The princesses both gave the energetic pony a strange glance. Pinkie laughed.
“Oh, silly, I just… didn't leave! I mean, who wouldn't want to go bungee jumping! It's so fun! C’mon!” And with that, Pinkie leaped off the platform into the air.
Almost as suddenly, Luna was yanked with the pink pony, as Pinkie had accidentally tied their cords together. The night princess screamed, hoofing at empty air.
“Tiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“Luna!” Celestia gracefully dived after her younger sister, rope streaming behind her, flapping her wings to speed herself. By this time Luna had grabbed the falling Pinkie and they descended together, one screaming, the other madly laughing.
The bungee cords went taut, and the shocked ponies swung in the slight breeze. Luna gave a sigh of relief, but her ease soon faltered with the sharp cracking from above. The ponies glanced up in time to see the ramshackle platform sway dauntingly, before snapping.
Pinkie happily landed on the large trampoline with ease, preforming a front-flip before landing on all hooves. Luna was not so lucky, smacking onto the trampoline hard, and then crashing in a heap. Celestia was wise enough to just fly down.
Pinkie bounced over to Luna and cried, “Wasn't that fun? We fell really, really fast and we didn't get hurt at all! See, I told you it was safe!”
Luna raised her head just enough to give Pinkie an exasperated look. Then she fainted.
***
“So, all we have to do is eat?”
“Yepadoodle! But you have to eat a whole bunch, that’s how you win!”
Luna was staring skeptically at the large piles of vegan hot dogs in front of her, poking at one with her hoof. Pinkie was bouncing up and down in her seat between the princesses, waiting for the eating contest to start. Celestia looked contemplative, stroking her chin with a hoof.
“Pinkie…”
“Uhuh! That’s my name! Pinkie Pie!”
“I still don’t understand how you got here. Things don’t come into existence unless we will them. It defies the laws of the universe for you to even exist right now.”
Pinkie seemed to think about this for a millisecond, before cheerily replying. “Oh, silly, you act just like Twilight! She didn’t understand my Pinkie Sense, so she followed me all day and made me wear this really weird metal hat! But you know what’s funny? She said that I didn’t make sense, but she’s the one who burst into flames! Isn’t that just crazy?”
Celestia shook her head distractedly and replied, “But what does that have to do with the laws of the universe?”
“I guess I’m trying to say that ponies should accept weird things, or they might explode with fire!”
Pinkie gave Celestia a smile, and the princess thought about what the pink pony had said. It was true; here she was, questioning the strange, while the perfect opportunity to have fun was in her hooves. If she didn’t have fun now, she knew that later she’d explode from boredom. Pinkie is wiser than she seems, Celestia thought.
“Is everypony ready?” Pinkie asked, bouncing again.
“I- I think so…” Luna said.
“Ready.” Celestia remarked.
“OK! Ready…” Everypony sat at the edge of their seats, hooves raised.
“Set…”
“Go!” Pinkie started immediately, devouring vegan hot dogs at Mach 1. Celestia shoveled hot dogs into her mouth as fast as she could, but couldn’t match the pink pony’s speed. But Luna, to everypony’s surprise, was eating hot dogs at an insane pace, and the plates of hot dogs were vanishing quickly. It wasn’t long before Luna finished the last hot dog.
A buzzer rang loudly, and Luna collapsed on the table. The empty plates were stacked beside her. Pinkie Pie swallowed her last plate of hot dogs and licked her lips. “Yum! Juicy!” Celestia walked over to her sister and poked her with a hoof. “Luna, are you alright?”
Luna glanced up at her sister. “Ugh, I have so many regrets… someone get me a stomach pump.”
The ponies looked at each other and burst into laughter.
***
Celestia watched as Luna desperately stomped on the dance pad, sweat glistening off the night princess’ blue coat. Her opponent, Pinkie Pie, was gleefully jumping up and down on the right, getting perfect scores. A catchy beat played from the game, and the arrows on the screen moved up the screen at an intense pace. The rest of the arcade room was empty, of course, but if there were any ponies round, they would have been crowding around to watch such an intense battle.
Luna was fighting desperately to catch up, hooves blurring on the pad. But she just couldn’t stand against the mysterious powers of Pinkie Pie. After the last beat, Luna fell off the dance pad in a heap, and Celestia took her place.
Luna lifted her hoof dramatically, and spoke. “No, Celestia! Don’t do it, you’ll never survive!”
Celestia gave Pinkie a challenging glare and said, “I can do this, sister. I’ll be fine.” And with that, another catchy beat started to play.
The onslaught of arrows was startling at first, but Celestia soon got the hang of it. Soon her entire world was just the bright screen, her hooves against the pad, and the number on the screen. To her surprise, the score was at a tie, and neither pony was making a flaw.
"You stayin' alive? Pinkie asked with a cheery voice.
Celestia's hooves whirled like lightning, and she started to sweat. Her steps started to feel painful, but she couldn’t give up now! Pinkie was still bouncing up and down, somehow knowing exactly when to strike the buttons. Her Pinkie Sense! Of course!
But how can I compete with a pony who can’t ever make a mistake? I can’t stand much more of this… wait, I got it!
And Celestia pointed with a free hoof towards the right (costing her a few points) and shouted, “Look! A cupcake convention!”
“Where?” Pinkie said, turning around. The maneuver had made her lose her balance, and she fell off the pad with only a couple arrows left. Celestia stomped on these final beats before collapsing beside her sister. From the floor, she could barely make out the score on the screen…
Celestia had won by one point.
***
“Once again, I apologize profusely for my trickery.”
“Oh it’s okay, princess! You did make me a real cupcake convention, and that makes me super happy! I forgive you! Now, let’s eat some cupcakes!”
Pinkie Pie darted around from tent to tent, enjoying the samples of cupcake. Luckily for the pink pony, there was no one manning the stations, so her “samples” were more like entire trays. She politely left two of each for her companions, though.
There were thousands of tents strewn about, but what was amazing wasn’t the number of tents. It was the flavors. Everything from chocolate to cinnamon, blueberry to butter, velvet to vanilla. As they toured the area, the flavors gradually got more exotic. Like pineapple and Pop Rocks, cotton candy and cardboard, grapefruit and glue. There were even rainbow-flavored ones! The princesses made sure to steer clear of those, but Pinkie wasn’t scared off.
After chugging down multiple glasses of water to fight the spicy flavor, Pinkie gasped out to her companions, “What should we do now?”
Celestia and Luna tried to come up with a crazy plan, but they just didn’t have Pinkie’s imagination. They shrugged simultaneously. Pinkie suddenly bounced up, grabbing both their hooves, and raced off in a random direction.
“I just got a bunch of crazy ideas! This is gonna be so fun!”
***
Celestia glanced from side to side inside her yellow biplane, looking for the enemy through her aviator goggles. All that she could see was the bright blue sky, the green grass far below, and Luna's helicopter chopping beside her. All those amusement parks with rides that brushed the atmosphere, bowling alleys that used cannons to knock over the pins, indoor swimming pools filled with Jello, castles made of eleven different types of cheese, and extreme ice skating rinks that included ramps and hoops of fire were far behind her now.
The princess checked her control panel. Air pressure? Check. Fuel? Check. Landing Gear? Check. Other mysterious beeping buttons? Check. But where was the enemy?
“Chhhh- Looney Moons to BananaRama. Come in, BananaRama. Over.”
“Chhhh- This is BananaRama. What is it, Looney Moons? Over.”
“Chhhh- Enemy sighted, BananaRama. Set targets and prepare to fire. Over”
Celestia hurriedly started her weapons system and looked for her target. Suddenly, a large, pink, pirate zeppelin emerged from a large cloud, with the words The Platypus Bear written on the side.
“Chhhh- Ahoy, you scallywags! This is Captain Puddinghead the Second! Prepare to surrender, or taste the rhubarb flavor of defeat! ARGHHHH!”
Luna spoke into her headset. “Chhhh- Try all you want, Captain Puddinghead, you'll never defeat the SUMSAL! OVER!”
“Chhhh- It's Captain Puddinghead THE SECOND! And what does that stand for?” “Argh.” Pinkie added as an afterthought.
“Chhhh- Super Ultra Mega Sky Alicorn Legion!”
Celestia facehoofed.
“Chhhh- Luna, that doesn't make sense.”
“Chhhh- Who is this Luna you speak of, BananaRama? I am Looney Moons! And it makes barrels of sense! Over!”
“Chhhh- All I’m saying is that that sounds ridiculous.”
“Chhhh- Oh yeah? Well, you can’t come up with something better! Over!”
“Chhhh- Uhh… how about Justice League Equestria?”
“Chhhh- Enough of this stalling, ya scurvy dogs! Prepare to fight! Argh!”
And with that, The Platypus Bear launched rockets from its deck. They sped towards the two smaller aircraft, which dodged the missiles by a hair. The rockets exploded behind them, splattering frosting and cake everywhere.
Luna replied the attack with a carrot-loaded machine gun. The leafy tops of the carrot fell to the surface below as the orange ammo launched towards the zeppelin, but unfortunately most of them fell short. A few hit the glass windows of the deck, but none had punctured the blimp. Luna's carrot machine gun jammed, and she was forced to abandon it.
“Chhhh- Nice job, Luna. That really helped.”
“Chhhh- Hey! At least I tried something! You haven’t done anything!”
While the two sisters argued, Pinkie's pie slingshots extended from the zeppelin deck, fully loaded and ready for fire. With the perfect tension and angle, Pinkie launched all of them.
“Chhhh- I guess it’s time fer dessert, ya scallywags! Argh!”
The pies arched towards the two members of SUMSAL- or Justice League Equestria- like tasty treats of demise. Delicious flavors like Apple, cherry, rhubarb, key lime, lemon meringue, and Celestia thought she saw a couple Shepard’s pies, too. But there wasn't time to think about that. Pies were assaulting them left and right, smearing their windshields with fruity-and sometimes meaty- deliciousness. Luna was crying into her headset, and Pinkie laughed maniacally, as the night princess’ helicopter spiraled towards the earth.
Celestia couldn't believe it: her sister had fallen. But before the shock could overwhelm her, she shook it off and glared at The Platypus Bear. She had to avenge her sister. For the sake of all ponykind, she had to defeat Captain Puddinghead the Second. Even if she died trying.
“Chhhh- You'll never get away with this, Captain Puddinghead. I WILL DEFEAT YOU!” Celestia screamed into her radio, Pinkie still laughing. The pies were starting to clog Celestia's propeller, and it wouldn't be long before it would fail. Pinkie knew this too.
“Chhhh- Argh-har-har! Scream all you like, scallywag! You'll never defeat me! Argh!”
But Celestia knew she had to try. So, she yanked on her controls, making the bi-plane climb higher and higher in the pie-filled sky. The aircraft shuddered with protest, and Celestia lifted her goggles to wipe her sweaty forehead. Finally, the bi-plane was unsteadily flying above the zeppelin. Pinkie crackled into her radio.
“Chhhh- It doesn't matter if you hide, BananaRama! Yar plane will crash and burn! Argh!”
Celestia slammed the large blinking button on the control panel.
“Chhhh- Hope you like cherries, Puddinghead!”
The custom cargo-hold of Celestia's bi-plane opened, and the largest Equestrian-made Cherry Bomb ever in existence free-fell onto The Platypus Bear.
The explosion could be heard for miles, if there was anypony else to hear it.
The zeppelin folded in half as it fell, fire burning the cloth blimp. Celestia's propeller finally failed, and she spiraled and flipped downwards towards the ground below. Pinkie shrieked into the radio.
“ARGH! IT'S CAPTAIN PUDDINGHEAD! THE SECOOOOOOONNNND!”
***
Celestia, Luna, and Pinkie Pie sat together atop a cliff to watch the sunset. Their abandoned parachutes lay crumpled behind them, and farther behind those, the remains of their battle. The exited chatter and boasting between them had died (sitting being less exciting then dog-fighting) so now they rested in silence, content to listen to the crashing waves below them.
The purple sky grew darker and darker, and, at last, the orange sun vanished from sight. The silence was maintained for a few more moments, before it was broken by Luna.
“What happens now?”
The question hung in the air for only a moment.
“We bring everything and everypony back.”
Surprisingly, it was not Celestia who answered; the sun princess kept staring silently at the distant horizon. Pinkie continued.
“We can't stay here forever. It wouldn't be so fun. If we stayed here forever, we'd never go home to see our friends. And we'd never get to really cherish the memory of this place.” Pinkie Pie seemed different, more solemn. A different pony than a few hours ago.
All the ponies thought of the crazy, wonderful things they did that day with fond smiles. They knew Pinkie Pie was right. They couldn't stay forever, abandoning all their friends to stay in this wonderful world of fun and adventure. You can't throw away all your responsibilities for a carefree life. They had to go back.
The ponies heard a sad sniff, and Luna gave a worried glance towards Celestia. She could see a tear falling down the sun princess' face.
“Sister? Are you alright?”
Celestia brushed the warm wetness from her cheek.
“This was the best day of my existence,” she replied without further comment.
Luna and Pinkie silently agreed, and the world flashed white.
***
Inside Twilight Sparkle's tree home, everything was quiet. The only sound was the random flipping of pages and scratching sounds of a quill. Spike was out on an errand, and Twilight had closed the library. There would be no interruptions this afternoon.
“TWILIGHT!”
The lavender pony picked herself up off the floor, avoiding the ink that had spilled everywhere, and glared at the pink pony jumping in front of her.
“Pinkie Pie! You ruined my report on griffin tribe culture! I've been working since the crack of dawn on that!”
Pinkie Pie looked guilty for a millisecond.
“Oh, sorry, Twilight. But I had the most amazing dream! I was in this super huge room with cheese castles and ice rinks with fire, and Celestia and Luna were with me, and we were shooting at each other with pies and cherries, and we were flying planes and blimps, and we played Dance Dance Revolution, and had an eating contest, and I was a pirate, and we ate cotton candy cupcakes, Twilight! Cotton... candy... CUPCAKES!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “That's great Pinkie Pie, but look at what you did! It's going to take forever to recopy that! It's a good thing I have my backup notes, otherwise I would have to find everything all over again!”
Celestia watched the two ponies talking from the library window. She smiled, and as she flew off towards Canterlot Castle, she had one thought in mind.
Next time, I'll use a spaceship.
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Author's Notes
Hey, party ponies! This is Wayward Mind, the author of the the story you just read! And I have people to thank!
I would like to thank a role-model of mine, The Descendant! He helped me a lot during this little "escapade."
I can't forget my good friend, The ancient one! Props to you, dude! You helped me out of my lazy streak! Yay! To anyone who's interested, he's got a great fic called Unexpected changling. Check it out!
Second-to-lastly, the term God Empress of Ponydom is unofficially coined by Friendly Uncle. He's hilarious!
All people who comment, criticize, hate, like, fav, and/or just read get free hugs! Yay, free hugs!
