The Milk Pony

by Fazponyjack

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Slice of Life, Zecora
Length: 1891

Milk. Ice. Milk bag. Ponies. Enjoy.

Milk. Ice. Milk bag. Ponies. Enjoy.
Holy Milk. Don't boil the hell out of it or there will be no content.

Published 2019-11-13 16:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-13 16:50:01 UTC

The Milky Way is actually the name of a spa that serves milk exclusively

Smii7y sat upon Princess Celestia’s throne, grinning maliciously as he stroked his milk bag plushy.

‘I have finally achieved the highest level of content!’ Smii7y thought, chuckling darkly.

All of a sudden, Princess Luna burst in, scaring the white unicorn stallion and making him yelp and throw his hooves out in surprise, dropping the plushy.

“The fuck lady!” He exclaimed quickly dashing off the throne to retrieve his toy before returning to his position.

“I will not allow this travesty to occur!” She yelled, silently growling with an angry look.

“Do what?” Smii7y asked, absentmindedly petting his toy, which strangely purred under his touch.

“Take over Canterlot, of course!” She said, dropping into a battle stance.

“Why would I…” He trailed off as he looked around the room, realization dawning on him.

“Oh shit. Wrong kingdom.” He said, his hoof paused it its motions.

“Wrong kingdom? What vile intentions do you have for- oof!” She was interrupted by a soft pillow like object hitting her face.

It slid off, revealing a wide-eyed pony with his forelegs tucked in as he pushed his back up against the throne, his body slightly turned, to represent his slight fear.

“YEET!” He summoned another milk bag plushy before tossing it at her again, darting out the grand doors that Luna had left open. She easily dodged, chasing after the strange pony.

“Aha, it speaks the language of the gods!” Smii7y heard SwaggerSouls say, in a strange ethereal way that surrounded him. He looked around in surprise as he darted around a corner.

“Swagger? Where are you?" Smii7y asked the sky, hopping over a large fallen brick that was nowhere near his sight and was entirely magic that he avoided it.

“I'm in yo mind! MUAHAHAHA!” He could hear SwaggerSouls laugh in his high pitched way after his short evil cackle. “Nah. You’re just asleep. Wake up dude!"

***

Five hours after hearing Swagger’s voice, Smii7y darted up with a gasp, startling the short yellow pegasus next to him.

“Jesus dude, ya scared me!” Swagger exclaimed, causing a person on his right side to laugh. “Shut up Fitz!"

“Woah, woah, wait a minute!" Smii7y said, stopping the laughter and making the mini-party of ponies stare at him as he sat on the bed.

“Swagger?" He asked, looking at the pegasus to his right. The yellow pony nodded once.

“Fitz?" He looked over to the equally yellow, although much taller in comparison, pegasus to his right.

“Mm-hmm!” Fitz put a hoofin the air in a dramatic gesture. “The one and only!" He moved his hoof in a sweeping gesture to draw Smii7y’s attention to the other ponies in the room.

“We got Zuckles, McCream, Toby...” He said, each pony waving as their name was called, Zuckles a little more energetically than the other two, while McCreamy took his hoof out of his mouth to wave, before sticking it back in.

“And our lovely land… Zebra, Zecora!” He said. Confetti suddenly showered the zebra.

“Welcome to my home, my wonderful abode!" She said with a smile, sticking her hoof out for a shake.

Smii7y smiled at her. He held her hoof in his own, and leaned down to plant a kiss on it.

“Thank you for your hospitality." Smii7y said, straightening back up and lowering his hoof.

“Ooh, a stallion with manner! Why not you, Swagger?" She asked.

“I was trying to get high! I didn't have time to thank you," he answered.

“You’re welcome."

“Uh…" Swagger gaped at her.

“Anyways, welcome!" Zecora repeated.

Smii7y stayed silent for a moment. “So, I think I have a problem," He admitted.

“What is it?" Zecora asked.

All of a sudden, somebody knocked on the door. All the ponies - and zebra - looked at the door. Zecora trotted over and opened it.

“Princess Luna! What brings you to my humble villa?" She asked, stepping to the side to let the pony in. Smii7y let out an eep as his eyes widened, staring at the monarch of the night.

“We… I have a pony to meet." She said, looking back at Smii7y lovingly. Everybody's attention turned to the unicorn.

“I-I thought I was going to meet you,” Smii7y said.

“I know, but I couldn’t wait!" Luna exclaimed trotting over.

“Well, podcast time!" Swagger suddenly declared. “Would you like to be a part of it, princess?” Swagger asked, emphasizing her title for whatever reason.

“Only with my dear Smiity!" She said, climbing up on the bed and wrapping a wing around Smii7y, embracing him with a smile.

***

“Hello, and welcome to the Misfits podcast!" Fitz declared.

“Why the Misfits?” Luna asked.

“Please let me finish." Fitz replied.

“Oh. Sorry." She said, Smii7y snickering in his lap.

“Okay, so today we have…" Fitz took a deep breath. “OurcohostsSwaggerTobyandZuckleswithspecialguestsMcCreamyZecoraSmii7yandPrincessoftheNightandformerNightmareMoonLuna!” He finished, panting while the other seven stared a him.

“Is it getting crowded in here, or is it just me?” Fit said with a nervous smile.

“I think it is just you," Luna replied.

“Okay so!" Swagger clapped his hooves together. “Introductions! Tell us about yourself, princess." He said, everybody now turning their attention to her.

“Well, as my dear Fitz said, we are the princess of the night, as we do raise and lower the moon every night! Although you did not have to mention our previous blunder,” Luna mumbled the last part. “But we do have an active love life, as opposed to my sister's incessant claims! We now date our beloved Smiity!” She exclaimed, getting a snicker from Zuckles.

“Bestiality!" Zuckles shouted. Smii7y blushed furiously with a scowl.

“Beastiality is fucking an animal! I don't know if you've noticed, but we’re the same species, and we haven't fucked!” Smiity explained.

“Maybe not in real life…" Zuckles continued, smiling giddily as Luna’s cheeks heated up as well.

“Be that as it may, my point stands!” Smii7y admitted, causing Swagger to burst into laughter.

“Smii7y fucked a pony princess!" He teased, to which Smii7y merely looked down at the ground in embarrassment.

“Performing intercourse with a princess is a privilege, knight!" she spat, scowling.

Luna summoned Smiity’s plushie for him to cuddle to help him calm down as Swagger’s laughter died down.

“Wow. You've moved up in the world, Smii7y.” Fitz said, smirking.

“I have, haven't I?” Smii7y mumbled, squeezing his plushie.

“I, for one, cannot imagine such a game he has won," Zecora commented. McCreamy nodded distantly as he gazed at Smii7y’s plushie.

“But not as great as the great Gamer Supps!" Zecora exclaimed.

“Use code Misfits," Fitz finished with a silent hoof pump.

“Okay, enough railing on Smii7y for his successes. Let's move on.” Smii7y raised his muzzle to the mic again,the blush barely fading.

“So, Swagger, how long has it been since you've smoked weed?” Fitz asked.

“Too long, if you ask me.” He replied.

“I did ask you." Fitz joked.

“Shut up Fitz.”

“Alright…" Fitz trailed off while Toby and Zuckles chuckled at the joke.

“I asked for you to get weed, right Zecora?" Swagger asked.

“Yes, but I could not find a place that wouldn't scoff in my face." She answered.

“Have you thought of growing it yourself?" He continued.

“Marijuana is uncommon around here, and it has been declared illegal in recent years.” She continued.

“We would be glad to pardon him from these laws if it meant he does not search for it the wrong way,” Luna suggested.

“Really?" Swagger looked at her incredulously.

“Yes!" She exclaimed. “It is our duty to make new friends, especially if they are friends of our special somepony.” She explained, patting Smiity on the head.

“Can you give me a lifetime supply of ice cream?" McCreamy asked hopefully.

“It would be a waste, seeing as you are literally made out of ice cream,” She said, watching McCreamy’s ears droop as he stuck his hoof back in his mouth.

“Well, it would be nice if Swagger was… nice most of the time,” Zecora admitted.

“Are you saying I'm not a gentleman?” Swagger replied, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

“No pony said that, my little brat,” Zecora said with a smile.

“Hm. Well, overall, it is true. I'm not at my best if I haven't had a moment to calm down.” He admitted.

“So you are addicted?" Luna deduced.

“I didn't say that! I just said I'm not at my best! I won't die if I don't smoke weed constantly.” He explained.

She narrowed her eyes at her. “I'm watching you, knight.” She said.

“Ditto," Swagger answered, narrowing his eyes a her as well.

“Guys, can't we all just be friends?” Smii7y asked.

Luna sighed. “We suppose you are right. It would not do to alienate the friend I had just offered a Royal pardon to," She said.

“Talking about said pardon, wouldn't you have to speak with your sister about that? And let the populace vote on allowing Marijuana? As you do in a democracy?" Swagger asked.

“True. It is a constitutional Monarchy," Luna said, raising a hoof to her chin in thought.

“Well, as long as there are no ill side effects, I'm sure my sister would not mind me supplying a friend with illegal drugs without her knowing!” Luna concluded, lowering her hoof with a triumphant smile.

“If he gets something, I want something too!" Smii7y whined.

“Of course, my love. What do you desire?" Luna asked.

“A pet! That lives forever! And that isn't really a pet, more like a friend who doesn't talk and follows me everywhere! A living plushie, if you will." Smiity explained.

“Are you saying you want us to create a soul for thine favorite toy?" Luna said, looking at his toy in confusion.

“Exactly!" Smiity confirmed with a smile, his blush completely gone at this point.

“Deal!" Luna exclaimed, her horn alight with increasing energy.

“No no, not now!" Smiity quickly said.

The glow disappeared. “Oh thank goodness, It was much harder than we expected!” Luna exclaimed, rubbing her horn with a wince.

“Well, I'm sure that’ll be a doozy to deal with,” Fitz commented.

“I expect it to be.” Smii7y replied.

“How did you two get together so quickly?” Zuckles asked.

“It was mostly Smiity. He is an amazing masseuse.” Luna shivered slightly as she imagined his touch.

“And how professional he kept the small talk throughout. Amazing!” She praised, putting a shy smile on Smiity’s face.

“What about the sex? What happened?” Zuckles questioned.

“We did not actually have sex. It was all a massage. Smiity must have just forgotten our time together slightly,” Luna explained, nuzzling the top of Smiity’s head slightly.

“We didn’t?” Smiity asked, looking up at the alicorn.

“We’re afraid not, little one,” Luna somberly confirmed.

Zuckles eyes widened. “Damn! It was that good?” He asked Smii7y.

Smii7y chuckled slightly. “I guess it was.” He answered.

“Can you give me a massage?” Zuckles asked, leaning in slightly with a hopeful smile.

“Not anytime soon, that’s for sure.” Smii7y admitted. His smile faltered at Zuckles display of sadness, his ears drooping as he looked down at the ground somberly.

“I guess you got a job as a princess’s personal masseuse,” Fitz summarized.

“I guess I do.”

Author's Note

I had already written this story before McCreamy's, so here it is!