Twilight, You're Immortal

by Ninjadeadbeard

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Death, Narcotics, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Dark, Flurry Heart, Comedy
Length: 2748

Twilight is finally confronted with her immortal nature. Celestia is horrified by the results.

Celestia has held off telling Twilight Sparkle about her immortal biology for years.

And now that she's told her successor about it... she'll wish she hadn't.

Special thanks to Toriandthehorse, for being a wonderful proofreader, editor, and friend.

Now with a Russian Translation by Nogood (who despite the name, is a good pony).

Now with a Korean Translation by B1ackSteel! Thank you again!

Published 2019-11-08 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-08 02:10:01 UTC

It wasn't supposed to be this way...

A magnificent, bright sun shone down on Canterlot this day, bathing the Equestrian capital in luminous luster. The banners, depicting the Twin Sisters, wafted dramatically in the breeze, perfectly accenting the white stone and gold that made the city so memorable, so beautiful that even those from the humblest quarters of Equestria found it wondrous instead of gaudy or ‘high falutin’, as a few down in Ponyville might say.

Around noon, there had been decreed an extended lunchtime in the palace’s busy schedule. Most of the bureaucrats and nobles who operated the day-to-day running of the country balked and fumed at this loss of productive time-wasting, while the palace’s service staff and guards looked forward to a long lunch and perhaps time with their families. The daily petitioners would be finished before then, as many had been shifted to the next Day Court, so there weren’t even any upset regular ponies to complain.

Indeed, the only ones who truly did not look forward to this extended break were the very ponies who ordered it. Princess Celestia and her sister, the Princess Luna, immortal alicorn rulers of Equestria, wore worried frowns as the break in governance was called and they took up their positions at their thrones in the main hall.

Princess Twilight Sparkle, alicorn and the Princess of Friendship, would arrive any moment now.

“Sister?” Luna asked in a low, concerned voice, “Are you certain that now is the time for this?”

Celestia did not break her gaze from the doors at the other end of the hall. “We’ve put this off for several years longer than we ever should. If not now, then when?”

“You speak truly,” Luna responded with a nod, “for if the Princess Sparkle were to come to the same conclusion on her own, she might suspect conspiracy on our part. Or…” her tone turned grave, “perhaps she would think you played a manipulator’s hoof in the events of her life?”

Celestia said nothing, merely nodded slowly.

Luna smiled, “Well, perhaps she’ll handle it better than you did.”

This snapped the Princess of the Day out of her focused stare. “Wait, what do you mean…?”

There was a deep knocking at the great double-doors. They swung gently inward with hardly a groan, permitting a third alicorn, purple coated and with a dark mane marked with a single pink stripe, to enter at something of a skip. Her eyes were bright, and her smile one of contented gentility. All had gone so well for many moons, and with her own coronation to look forward to, it would seem that Twilight Sparkle’s life had become a truly joyous one.

Celestia hated how she was to ruin it now.

“Good afternoon Celestia, Luna! I…” Twilight stopped, one ear perked straight up. Several seconds passed in silence as she seemed to wait for something.

Luna coughed. Then, the dolling of bells rolled over the capital. Once the twelfth and last bong finished its echo, Twilight turned back to the Princesses with a smile.

“Apologies, now it’s ‘Good Afternoon!’”

Celestia did not smile along with her faithful student. She did not feel like smiling at all, considering the context of this meeting.

“It is good to see you again, Twilight,” she said evenly, “Do you know why I requested that you join Luna and myself here?”

Twilight nodded happily. “I can’t say for certain, but I have been able to narrow down the list of potential topics to either the coronation, Starlight inheriting the Friendship Castle when I leave,” her tone dropped to a conspiratorial whisper here, “Don’t worry, I had her swear Trixie would remain on the banned list,” then, back to her cheery ways, “or you were going to invite me to lunch. I hope it’s the latter. My favorite hayburger joint is still here in the city!”

The Princess Sisters exchanged a single glance. This was going to be rough.

“Sadly, none of those were precisely why I asked you to visit today,” Celestia said slowly.

Luna half-whispered, “Though lunch would be nice once we’re done here…”

Another, annoyed glance at the Princess of the Night, was followed by Celestia’s words, “Twilight… I know it has been a number of years since you ascended to become a Princess and an alicorn. I was just wondering if there were any…” she took a deep breath, “ongoing concerns or questions you might have?”

Twilight Sparkle’s eyes locked with her mentor’s for several moments. Then, they drifted down and away as she entered a state of deep thought.

Slowly, she rose her head and looked back towards the Princesses. “Is… is this about my wings?”

Celestia’s face betrayed nothing. “No.”

“Oh good,” her faithful student sighed, “because it took me a while to get over having two additional appendages, but I’ve gotten quite comfortable with them since. Um… my horn’s a bit pointier than it used to be…”

“Think more substantively,” Celestia offered, “about your alicorn form.”

Twilight’s eyes had lit up at ‘substantively’. “P-princess? Do you think I’m fat?”

Celestia’s eyes widened, “N-no! Good heavens no! Nothing like that!”

“Because I know I eat a lot more than I did as a unicorn,” the Princess of Friendship began defensively, “But these wings add a lot to my daily caloric needs, and I’m still getting taller! Eating two or three… or four hayburgers in a sitting isn’t ridiculous considering how much cake I’ve seen disappear around you.”

“No, Twilight,” Celestia shook her mane, ignoring the smirk on Luna’s face, “I don’t think you’re- four? Four hayburgers? Nevermind. What I want to know is have you found any major drawbacks to being an alicorn?”

“Not really,” Twilight said, scrunching up her face in thought, “Though the wings and height means I keep having to get Rarity to alter my dresses. I know she’d do it for free, but it’s still a bother to keep asking her to accommodate these ridiculous things,” she held out her right front leg, demonstrating how long it was.

Celestia snorted in frustration, “Think harder. Anything else?”

“Um…” Twilight put a hoof to her chin, “Cadence had Flurry without too much issue, so it can’t be about children… though I suppose if I have alicorn foals that might cause a lot more property damage than the coffers can cover…”

The Princess of the Day rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. “Anything el- ”

Luna stepped directly in front of her sister, quickly stating, “Alright, methinks this particular bandage needs come off.”

Luna turned to look Twilight square in the eyes. “Twilight? Thou art immortal, and you will outlive everypony besides ourselves, Cadence, and Flurry.”

Her words fell like a heavy blanket, smothering all sound, all life from the hall. Silence filled the space, and not even breathing could be heard.

Celestia leaned into Luna, shouting, “Sister!”

“What!?” Luna snapped back, “This was turning into a farce! At least now, dear Twilight can begin the coping process.”

Both alicorn sisters turned to watch their young successor. The purple alicorn fell back onto her haunches, her face directed down. She did not look away from her own hooves.

“Twilight,” Celestia whispered, worry plain on her face. She knew her dear student, almost like a daughter, would be turning this information over and over in her mind. The fact that she would live to watch her friends grow old and pass away. That she would live long enough to see their grandfoals pass away, and their grandfoals.

The day that Celestia and Luna had been told the same had been so hard. And now, for the second time in millennium, Celestia had to do the same to one she loved.

“That…” Twilight softly whispered, almost to herself.

“Take your time, Twilight Sparkle,” said Luna with all the solemnity Celestia admired in her sibling, “This is no easy news to bear.”

“That…” Twilight began to lift her head, “… that is…

“AWESOME!”

“What?” both sisters said, staring.

Twilight Sparkle punched the air with both hooves and lifted herself up into the air with a single hard wingflap.

“Aw yeah!” she cried, nearly matching the Royal Canterlot Voice in intensity, “Suck my flank Death, you bag of bones! Suck! It!”

Celestia gawked as she watched her student dance across the floor below the throne. Luna, meanwhile, allowed herself a little smile.

“Oh, yes,” said the Princess of the Night. This was going to be a good day.

“I…” Celestia paused, “I don’t understand.”

Twilight slowed down enough to return to the conversation, “Oh! You just took such a load off my mind! I was really worried it was just you two who got to live forever. I knew there were some benefits to this whole princess thing!”

Celestia’s face was every bit as worried as Luna’s was pure, undiluted smugness. “But, Twilight,” said the Solar Diarch, “You… you’re going to outlive everypony you love! What about your parents? Your brother?”

Twilight shrugged, “Everypony kinda assumes their parents are gonna die before them, you know? That hasn’t changed. And this means I have one more thing to lord over Shining during Hearthswarming!”

“Oh my Me,” Celestia said without inflection. Luna, meanwhile, was seemingly tapping her hooves to a song only she could hear.

“Besides!” Twilight continued without noticing, “I’ll have Cadence and Flurry Heart forever, and I always…” she blushed, “I always sort of considered you two to be family as well.”

“Well, that is nice to hear,” Celestia was genuinely touched, though she showed very little of that at the moment, “But then what about your friends in Ponyville? Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy? The Cutie Mark Crusaders? You’ll outlive them as well!”

Twilight snorted, “I already was, to be frank with you.”

Celestia’s mouth hung open. Unseen by her, Discord had slowly materialized next to Luna, and the two began sharing a tub of popcorn.

“Well, of course!” Twilight magically produced a pile of paperwork and scrolls. “Rainbow Dash is loyal, and brave, but also the most reckless pony I’ve ever met. I did the numbers on how often she ends up in a cast,” she glanced at one of her papers, for accuracy’s sake, “and quite frankly, I’d be more than surprised if she doesn’t end up a smoking crater one day after a failed stunt.”

The Princess of the Night and the Lord of Chaos chuckled.

“Additionally,” Twilight continued, highlighting something in her notes, “I’ve already budgeted the funeral around it. We’d save a lot on digging since all we’d have to do is throw some dirt over the hole.”

I’ve raised a monster, Celestia thought.

Twilight continued, “Now, Pinkie’s a bit of an anomaly. Due to her sheer “Pinkie-ness”, I’ve had to make adjustments to my death table, but I can comfortably say that complications from diabetes is the most likely cause of death unless she…” Snort! “…stops eating sugar!

“Related to that,” she swapped papers about as Luna nodded along, “Unless she changes business models entirely, Rarity is on her way to a massive stress-induced cardiac arrest in her near, near future.”

Luna, after taking in her sister’s horrified, frozen face, looked up to the ceiling. “Thank you. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but thank you.” Discord held onto a big belly laugh as he heard her.

Twilight didn’t seem to notice. “Fluttershy… actually I’m not worried about Fluttershy. Whether she lives or dies is entirely up to Discord’s mood anyway.”

The Lord of Chaos, arms crossed, gave a little huff and departed. He had better places to be than stand here and have his character impugned. Even accurate impugning.

“And…” Celestia finally seemed to find her voice, “What of Applejack?”

“Applejack’s got those ridiculous Apple family genes,” Twilight smirked. “She was the only one I thought might outlive me. Though I guess now I actually have to get close with Big Mac and his future spawn if I want my cider deliveries to continue. So that’s a downside.”

Ignoring the snickering besides her, Celestia asked, “And the Crusaders? Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom?”

The Princess of Friendship shook her head slowly. “With all the stupid stuff they do on a weekly basis, I’m surprised they’re still alive. Heck, the pool is still going strong.”

“The… the pool?”

“Just something we whipped up after one too many incidents,” she nodded, “Technically, it was Rarity’s idea, but the whole town’s really gotten into it. You know,” she leveled a sly smile towards the Diarchs, “I could get you in. Pool’s up to a couple thousand bits…”

“Twilight Sparkle!” Celestia bristled, “That is heinous! How could you- “

Luna produced a small, clinking bag and tossed it over to Twilight using her magic. “Put me down for ‘Fire’.”

“LUNA!”

Celestia buried her head in her hooves. This… this was not how things were meant to go!

She turned a confused look back towards her… formerly faithful student. “I don’t understand! How can you be handling this so… well, not well, but…? How!? You’re the Princess of Friendship! How can you just be okay with this!?”

It was Twilight’s turn to tilt her head and give her teacher a quizzical look. “I mean… sure, I’m the Princess of Friendship. But I’m basically friends with everycreature. Would you want me to be a sobbing wreck whenever anycreature died? I’d never get anything done!”

Luna whispered to herself, “You go, Sparkle!”

“Besides, while I’ll feel terrible about losing my friends,” Twilight said thoughtfully, “It will be me feeling terrible. Just like it will be me remembering them.

“I mean, how many ponies did you grow up with that history either never remembered or never got right?”

Celestia and Luna had to stop at that thought. They each took a moment to silently reflect. Celestia could name… hundreds of students, protégés, servants, and even a few genuine foalhood friends. Many of them were famous, but few of them were truly well-remembered outside of her own personal memories, she realized.

Luna just noted the four friends she had back in the day. And then remembered they had all died while she was stuck on the moon. This… was no longer a good day. This was a drinking day.

“And beside that,” Twilight quietly confirmed as she watched the Princesses think, “I’m magic. I got at least a couple of decades to swing some immortality for all my friends. I’m thinking… golems.”

Luna stepped forward once more. “Your wisdom and spirit have moved us, dear Twilight,” she raised one hoof in a noble gesture that wouldn’t be out of place in a stage-play, “Verily, we feel that you have the right idea, and that we should go out for hard cider now!”

“Well," said Twilight, a sheepish smile on her face, “It is after noon… and Sweet Apple Acres has a new batch they were saving for me!”

In the Royal Canterlot Voice, Luna decreed, “THEN WE SHALL PROCEED NOW TO, as the cool, young ponies like our shared friend Trixie say, GET BUCKED UP!”

The throne room’s double doors opened wide at that exact moment, allowing a brilliantly pink-coated alicorn with a stupendously colorful mane to enter, a cooing alicorn foal on her back.

“Ooh!” Princess Cadence’s face lit up, “Are we drinking? I could murder a cider right now!”

Twilight’s voice took on a concerned tone, “Are… are you sure it’ll be alright? I mean, Flurry’s just a foal.”

Ignoring the loud, snarky ‘Ha!’ from Celestia, Cadence nodded. “I just told Shining about alicorn immortality, so he’s a little out of it. I’m sure Apple Bloom would mind her for me a little while.”

“Awww,” Twilight sighed, “I was gonna use that on Shining for Hearthswarming!”

“Tell you what,” Cadence smirked, “We’ll hit him with a few memory charms and do it together!”

As both sisters-in-law laughed, Luna came up and set a sympathetic hoof on each of their shoulders. “That’ll do, Candy,” she said warmly, “That’ll do.”

All three alicorn Princesses, with alicorn foal in hoof, flew through the double doors and ascended to the sky. They made their way to Applejack’s farm, and the promise of a good time. Behind them, still sitting in the throne room, Princess Celestia sighed wearily and crossed her forelegs in irritation.

“I wonder if it’s too late to make Starlight an alicorn…”

Author's Note

I'm not sorry. Too much Sad these days, not enough *cuckoo*. :pinkiecrazy: