The Shadow of His Brother
“Fluttershy, do you have a brother?” Discord asked, drumming his talons against his teacup.
“I do,” Fluttershy said. “Why do you ask?”
“I’m just curious is all.” Discord hummed softly. “Though… do you like your brother?”
“He’s… alright.”
Discord snorted and placed his cup down to use his talons as a platform to rest his muzzle on. “That was a very ‘I’m talking with my mother’ kind of response.”
“What do you mean?” Fluttershy asked, her gaze sinking away as her cheeks reddened ever so slightly.
“He’s alright, is something you tell your boss when your co-worker makes a drunken ass of himself at the staff holiday party. He’s alright, is what you tell your friend after your foal has crammed your VHS player full of peanut butter and jam. He’s alright, is what you tell your partner after your brother gets high on acid and you’re now responsible for bailing him out of jail.”
Fluttershy blinked. “What’s a VHS player?”
“Unimportant,” Discord said, smiling softly at Fluttershy. “But be honest, what do you think of your brother?”
“He’s…” Fluttershy sighed. “He’s a bit of an ass?”
“Only a bit? I’ll admit that probably means you have a healthier relationship with your sibling than most middle foals end up having.”
“Well that’s because I’m not the middle foal. It was just Zephyr and me.”
Discord hissed. “Yes, I guess your father would’ve been a little sheepish about disclosing the fact that he had...”
He let the silence and Fluttershy’s active imagination fill in the rest of that sentence.
“Wait…” Fluttershy blinked. “Did dad have another…”
Discord waved his talon. “Not important. What is important is knowing what you really, and honestly, think of your brother.”
Fluttershy sighed. “And why do you care?”
“Purely to sate my curiosity.” He grinned his very trustworthy grin. “I swear.”
“Fine…” Fluttershy took a deep breath. “He’s a NEET loser who needs to stop wasting my parent’s food and money. I think his interests are stupid, his life choices have all been bad, and I am really sick and tired of having to clean up his fap tissues whenever we share the same house for more than a day and a half.” She huffed. “Are you happy?”
Discord grinned. “Very. It means we’re practically two peas in a pod, a pair of kindred spirits who were meant to be.”
“We… are?”
Discord reached across the table and grabbed Fluttershy’s hoof. “I utterly hate my brother, dear. Despise him with my very soul.”
“You have a brother?” Fluttershy asked, glancing around Discord’s home.
She was probably trying her damnedest to find any family photos. The poor dear would be hard pressed, however. Discord wasn’t especially prone to sentimentality.
“Oh yes, a younger brother who is absolutely the worst person imaginable. He’s this pompous stuck up jerk who thinks he’s the shit because he got himself syndicated.”
“S-syndicated?” Fluttershy asked.
“Just a fancy way of saying he makes loads of money without actually having to put any work in.”
Fluttershy frowned. “I mean you could probably make loads of money without doing much work. Can’t you just snap your talons?”
“I mean I could, but imagine what the sudden injection of a few billion bits would do this poor kingdom’s economy. There’d be rampant inflation, it’d be utter chaos.” He chuckled at the thought and smiled fondly. “Funny to think that I could actually send this kingdom into ruin by spending too much money. That actually sounds like it could be kind of fun. A certain irony about having too much of a good thing.” He glanced at Fluttershy. “What do you think, dear?”
Fluttershy frowned and cocked a brow.
“Not that I would ever dream of doing something like that,” Discord stammered, having the decency to blush as he popped a halo over his head. “Regardless, the very idea of money sickens me. Goes against my very ethos of anarchism.”
This seemed to appease Fluttershy’s critical gaze as she returned to a polite smile, proving that Discord had really earned his good boy points tonight.
“Anyways, where was I?” Discord asked.
Fluttershy chuckled. “Your brother is an asshole who apparently makes money without doing any work.”
“Ah yes, of course!” Discord waved his talon. “On top of that, everybody seems to love the guy and I don’t understand why. He’s not charming, or interesting, or hell, he isn’t even funny. Do you know how hard it is to be unfunny in our family? It’s impossible and yet, he found a way. It’s almost incredible, really.”
Discord growled, fuming at the sheer thought of this menace. He was more surprised that his brother hadn’t ended up in prison yet. Wouldn’t that be a great ending to things, seeing his dear despotic brother locked up behind bars. Maybe then everyone would see that he wasn’t the adorable little golden angel of the family.
“Why are you bringing this up?” Fluttershy asked, adding a splash of tea to her cup.
“I got a letter from him,” Discord explained, sliding over the sugar, which Fluttershy promptly used.
“And what does it say?”
“All the polite diplomatic bullshit that families who hate each other say. Oh, I miss you. Oh, we should hang out more. Oh, how has life been? Oh, are you still doing that whole chaos thing? You know, stuff like that.”
Fluttershy nodded. “And are you going to see him?”
“Well I mean…” he sighed. “I mean yeah, of course.”
“And why are you doing that?” Fluttershy asked, studying her beverage.
“Because I know mom wants us to get along, and I don’t want her to be disappointed. I know it hasn’t been easy for her since dad passed away…”
Fluttershy blinked. “Wait? You have a mom?”
“Of course!” Discord rolled his eyes. “Everyone has a mother, Fluttershy. I’d think you of all ponies would be familiar with the birds and the bees.”
“I mean… I kinda… I just… you know… assumed you were birthed from the aether or something.”
Discord shook his head slowly and taped his talon against the table. Clearly, the conversation was getting away from him. So, he might as well move onto tonight’s main activity.
“Can I ask you another question?” he asked.
“What is it?”
“Do you want to smoke some pot?”
Fluttershy groaned. “Thank the gods, I thought you’d never ask.”
Discord looked in the mirror, snapping off a pair of finger guns at himself. Courtesy of raiding Rarity’s Manehattan location, he had managed to get himself a half decent outfit, dressed in a nice pair of khakis, a buttoned-up dress shirt, and a leather jacket thrown over top.
While a rather spiffy outfit, he was honestly pretty surprised. He didn’t think Rarity would have the stomach to use leather.
Honestly, the more you learn about somepony.
After boosting his own confidence, Discord began patting himself down, making sure he had his keys, for his lockless house, his wallet, full of faux identities, and most importantly, mace, because even he knew not to fuck around in the city he was going to.
With his precious cargo confirmed, he took a final deep breath and snapped his talons, poofing a portal into existence in front of him. Really, this was the only way to travel. Anypony who told you differently had the misfortune of being born with wings rather than a horn.
He stepped through, appearing in the hallway of an apartment building. A painfully ordinary door stood before him, its panels still painted the same gag-worthy pastel baby blue. This could only be the door of an asshole, with the number 5B pinned to the front in a hideously worn brass.
Discord steeled his nerves and breathed in slowly. “You’re doing this for mother, remember that.”
For mom; bless her little Yiddish soul.
He reached forward and knocked on the door, tapping his paw impatiently against the ground.
A few seconds later, it opened, and a sleepy and pale looking human with a fuzzy bush of brown hair stood before him. His expression remained static, even in the face of Discord, who had done absolutely nothing to alter his appearance.
“You’re not Jerry,” Discord muttered.
The human blinked. “No, I’m Kramer, what can I do for you?”
“I thought Jerry lived here.” He sighed. “I must have…”
Kramer leaned out of his apartment, and without looking, tapped his finger against the number. “This is 5B, Jerry lives in 5A.”
“Oh, of course.” Discord grinned nervously, pulling the letter’s envelope out of the ether. “Ah yes, Jerry put in the wrong return address.”
He drew forth a pen and quickly altered the A of 5A into a very shoddy, B. Shame on Jerry for his poor penmanship. Shame on him, indeed.
“Well glad I could help,” Kramer said before tilting his chin towards Discord. “By the way, you look familiar.”
Discord smirked. “Is that so?”
“Think I’ve seen you on TV before, you look kind of like that one Star Trek character.”
“You don’t say?” Discord chuckled. “Believe it or not, I get that quite a bit.”
“Yeah, what’s his name.” Kramer snapped his fingers, trying his best to recall before it finally dawned on him. “Sulu.”
Discord’s smile instantly vanished. “Wait… but the fourth wall joke is…”
Kramer winked. “You can beam me up later, buddy. Hope things go well with Jerry.”
And like that he was gone, closing the door behind himself.
Freak could probably give Pinkie a run for her money. What was that nonsense anyways? These monkeys were supposed to know me as…
Discord growled and whipped around, stepping across the hall to 5A. He then knocked swiftly on the door, grumbling under his breath.
A moment later, the door opened and there was the favoured son himself, Jerry Fucking Seinfeld.
“Jerry,” Discord grumbled.
Jerry threw on that big stupid smile of his and lunged forward, pulling Discord into one of his many stupid hugs.
“John, I’m so glad you could make it.”
Discord’s face reddened, an embarrassed hue creeping into his complexion. “You know that’s not my name anymore,” he grumbled.
“Oh phhhh.” Jerry drew away, waving his hand dismissively. “Call yourself Discord all you want, doesn’t mean I don’t remember who you really are.”
He punctuated this point by hitting Discord’s chest with the back of his hand. “So how have you been, buddy? I haven’t seen you in ages.”
“I’ve actually been doing rather well for myself,” Discord said.
“So, I’ve heard, mom said you got yourself a part on a TV show.”
As they chatted, Jerry gestured for Discord to step inside, which he reluctantly agreed to do, venturing deeper into the maw of his enemy.
Jerry then closed the door and leaned against it. “Something about a kid’s show?”
Discord sighed loudly and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I told mom it was a show meant for all ages with a very prominent, and usually terrifying, adult fanbase.”
“Which network can I catch it on? I got all forty-three channels.” Jerry grinned. “Perks of being well connected.”
“Just look it up online… wait shit, that’s barely even a thing yet.” Discord motioned with his wrist. “Look you’ll find out about it in like twenty years. Just stay up to date on memes and 4chan.”
Jerry cocked a brow but didn’t question anything Discord said.
“How’s your show been doing?” Discord asked. “Got renewed for another season?”
Jerry grinned. “Another three.”
“Hasn’t Friends killed your audience yet?”
“Friends?” Jerry hummed. “I think that shows getting a pilot this year.”
“Good.” Discord frowned. “So, can I ask what my little brother wants from me?”
Jerry snorted. “Wants? John…”
“Discord…”
“Whatever… anyways, can’t a little brother just want to catch up every once in awhile?”
“In a normal family, sure… but we aren’t exactly the most traditional clan, Jerry. You only ever send letters when you want something from me.”
“Fine, fine, you got me.” Jerry’s smile faded to an eerily neutral expression. “Remember last year, when you needed me to hide a dead horse for you?”
Discord grinned. “Thanks for doing that by the way. There was a staircase and he had just tossed out a banana peel, how I was supposed to stop myself? I know that I’m supposed to be reformed, but sometimes life just hands you lemons and you know you got to make lemonade; you know what I mean, right?” When no response came, Discord sighed. “I guess you’re looking to return the favour, huh?”
Jerry nodded. “There’s this guy named Newman in my building. He’s always giving me a hard time, making my mail go missing and what not. At first it was annoying, but then he started misplacing cheques and syndication royalties.”
“And I’m guessing that you need me to kill him?”
Jerry winced and held a finger to his lips, shushing Discord. “John, keep it down, we’re in New York, the walls are paper thin here.”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Fine you want me to make him… disappear.”
“If you wouldn’t mind.”
“Not at all.” Discord chuckled cruelly. “I know we don’t exactly get along but… I do enjoy when we get to collaborate on projects like these.”
Jerry smirked. “Yeah, it’s kind of nice to get in a little brotherly bonding. We should do it more often?”
“Considering the subject matter that seems to bring us together, maybe it’s best that we didn’t.”
“That’s…” Jerry hissed, “that’s actually a pretty good point.”
A knock came at the door and both brothers looked towards it.
“Expecting company?” Discord asked, cocking his brow.
Jerry sighed. “Probably either George or Kramer. They stop by all the time.”
“The joy of having friends.” Discord chuckled. “Something I’ve become gravely familiar with.”
Jerry’s smile popped back on, with eerie ease, as he leaned to the side and cupped the side of his mouth with a hand.
“Come on in,” he called.
The door opened and in popped a pudgy little human with a bald spot that could’ve easily housed enough solar panels to fuel this accursed city. This little man smiled boldly as he strutted on in, that is, until he spotted Discord. At which point he leapt back against the wall, his eyes growing to the size of saucers.
“Hello,” Discord hissed, much like a snake, his tail flicking behind him.
“H-hey,” the little man stuttered.
Jerry waved, motioning to Discord. “George, this is my brother John. John, this is George.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Discord said, extending a talon towards this, George. “By the way, my name is actually Discord. Please ignore Jerry’s rudeness.”
This earned an eye roll from Jerry.
George grasped the outstretched talon, and Discord could feel every terrified little tremor. Still, he managed to retain enough mental capacity to shake Discord’s claw.
Might as well have a little fun.
Discord turned away from George, looking back towards Jerry. However, as he turned, he forgot about his talon, simply allowing it to detach from his body and hover in place.
Now, he couldn’t see George’s expression, but the terrified yelp was more than enough to warm his prankster’s heart.
“Interesting group of friends you have here,” Discord said. “Though a bit more of a sausage fest than what I’m used to.”
Jerry snorted. “Eileen should be coming around sometime today.”
“Oh? Is there a lady in your life?”
He noticed Jerry’s cheeks warm.
“H-he wishes,” a meek voice from behind muttered.
Ah right, the fat man.
Discord looked back at George, sneering as he plucked his floating talon free of his grip, casually reaffixing it to his arm, like a lightbulb going into a socket. Once it was safely reattached to his body, Discord flexed the digits and drummed them against his coat.
“So, you two are related?” George asked. “How does that, uh…”
“Work?” Jerry offered.
The two brothers glanced at each other, sharing a knowing look.
“Well yeah, you, uh… you look a little different from one another, is all.”
“We have the same mother,” Discord explained, motioning towards Jerry. “So, I guess that technically makes us half-brothers?”
Jerry nodded.
“So, who’s your dad then?” George asked, looking at Discord.
Discord chuckled and reached into his pocket. “Lucifer.”
George’s face paled. “What?”
After a bit of rifling, Discord managed to find and pull out a little framed photo, showing it to George. On it was an awkward looking teenage version of himself. He looked rather grumpy but was holding up his high school diploma, which had of course been framed.
To his left, was a little Yiddish woman with a beaming smile. She was kind, beautiful, and motherly, all the traits that made her the greatest woman in the world to him. Then, to the right was Lucifer with his barreling bright red chest and equally proud smile on display.
“Your mother…” George swallowed hard, looking at Jerry, “slept with Satan?”
Discord snorted and slipped the photo back into his pocket. “She got around.”
George nodded to himself, pursing his lips. And he just kept nodding, and nodding, and …
“Maybe it’s best if you tried back again later,” Discord offered. “It’s been awhile since I’ve chatted with my dear little brother.”
George nodded and nodded, not saying a word. However, he did head for the door, while still nodding, and walked right out of the apartment without so much as a goodbye.
“What a weird little man,” Discord murmured before glancing back at Jerry. “So, where were we?”
Jerry shook his head and walked towards his fridge. “You want a drink?”
“What do you have?”
“Beer, cola, and milk.”
“I’ll take a beer. You have no idea how hard it is to get something alcoholic while working on my show.” He chuckled softly. “Though you should see the con scene, those people know how to drink… and smoke… and shoot up narcotics… and have orgies.”
Jerry pulled out two crisp cans of Bud, placing them on the counter. He cracked them both open, sliding one towards Discord.
Discord caught it and took a sip.
Tasted like pisswater. But it was alcoholic.
“So, do you have any special requests for how I deal with this Newman character?” Discord asked.
Jerry shrugged. “Not particularly. I just want him out of life. Hell, you don’t even have to kill the guy. If you could just make sure he never comes back to New York I’d be fine.”
“Oh please, Jerry.” Discord snorted. “You can lead a fish to water but you can’t expect him not to commit murder. It’s what I do.”
“I don’t… I don’t think that’s how the saying goes.”
“Well what I’m saying is that, yes, I’ll take care of Newman. But he’s likely going to end up with me putting him six feet under.” Discord circled his talon along the rim of the can. “Are you ok with that?”
Jerry shrugged. “If that’s what you got to do, it’s what you got to do. I just don’t want to deal with him anymore.”
“Very well.” Discord smiled, baring all his teeth. “Then your little problem will be gone with the snap of my talon.”
And just like that, Discord lifted up his talon and snapped them together.
“Might want to talk to your friend,” Discord said, patting Jerry on the shoulder. “An apartment just opened up in your building.”
Jerry cracked a nervous smile. “Thanks, Joh… Discord.”
Discord smiled. “Hey, what are big brothers for?” He looked at the beer and sighed. “You know… we really should do this again more often.”
“Murder people?” Jerry asked, cocking a brow.
“No, no…” Discord waved his talons, “I mean like we should hang out more. This trip kind of made me realize that you’re actually a pretty alright dude.”
Jerry smiled softly. “You’re pretty alright too.”
“I love you, Jerry.”
“I love you too, Discord.”
A moment like that would’ve been perfect…
Except the door immediately burst open and a very frantic Kramer barged in.
“Jerry!” he called. “I need your help!”
Jerry sighed. “What’s the matter?”
“You know how I’ve been struggling for money, right?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I borrowed a couple grand from a loan shark in New Jersey. Except I… I couldn’t make the payments and now the Filipino Mafia is after me. You gotta help me!”
Jerry snorted and looked at Discord. “You up for a little adventure?”
Discord smirked. “It’d be my pleasure.”
Author's Note
This narrowly beat out the Fraiser crossover by a mere 3 votes. Sorry for all those Neasier shippers out there.
Discord/Ko-Fi/Patreon/Twitter
