Pen in Hoof (Not)

by Toriandthehorse

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 1392

Twilight and Rainbow Dash have a very sane, very calm discussion about quills and pens. Yes, very sane, very calm, and very controlled, just like two normal mares.

Twilight Sparkle has lost her quill(s). And her marbles.
Equestria better get undercover.
Otherwise... they'll have to endure.... a quill-less Twilight Sparkle!

For two someone specials.

Published 2019-10-26 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-10-26 19:20:01 UTC

The Truth about Quills...

It wasn’t supposed to have come this far. It had started out a normal day, with normal routines, and normal writing tools. But then… it happened.

Twilight Sparkle lost her quill.

No, that wasn’t quite accurate. Twilight Sparkle had lost her extra, extra quill. Which on any normal day, would mean she could just move along to the extra, extra, extra quill. But of course, today wasn’t a normal day. And of course, being the good, good princess she was, when Pinkie Pie had told her about the haywire-gone science project over in the Ponyville Schoolhouse, she had donated all the variations of extra quills she could find.

One would think Twilight could just use a pen, or in the very worst case, just not write anything for a day.

Unfortunately, as Rainbow Dash soon found out, neither would do.

“So… you refuse to use a pen… why?” Dash asked again, hovering a few feet above a very… annoyed… Princess of Friendship. To think this had started out as plans for a picnic…

“Because.” Twilight hissed. Her magical pink aura was frantically pulling open all the drawers in sight, yanking out folders and hastily shoving them back inside after a quick glance. The library of the Castle was already ransacked with various folders, drawers, and scrolls that didn’t make it back into their shelves. It never stood a chance.

“Look-” Rainbow dodged a binder as it flew in her direction. “Look, Twi, you’ve got so many pens. Just use one of them for one day!”

“No.” Twilight spun around, starting to rip the precious books from their homes, dropping them unceremoniously in a heap… somewhere, anywhere, definitely not the shelves where they belonged.

“Then why-” Rainbow gestured helplessly to the desk, where two whole jars of various pens sat.

“Well, duh. I’m a princess. Have to set an example.” Twilight giggled, almost insanely. She beat her wings hard, using both hooves and magic to search the top shelf. “Everypony loves pens! Pens, pens, pens! I love quills!”

“Ugh, Twilight! Just use one of Owlowiscious’s feathers!” Rainbow snorted. “Like you did last time.”

“Well, I would, but he and Spike are taking the students to the Crystal Empire! Which reminds me, I really have to send a letter to check if they-” Twilight paused. “-But I can’t, because I can’t find. My. Quill!” She shrieked, dashing to another shelf. Rainbow followed cautiously, silently wondering why she was putting up with this. Somepony’s got to.

“Okay, okay. Just… chill.” Rainbow muttered. She landed neatly, eyes tracking the other mare as she finished emptying the first fourth of the bookshelves.

For a quill.

“Twilight, seriously. You’re going to hurt somepony if you don’t stop.” Rainbow yelled, as yet another book came this close to clipping a feather.

“Oh, that won’t happen.” Twilight grinned widely, eye twitching. “Trust me.”

Immediately, Rainbow’s senses fired into action. The only time she had ever looked… well, like this… was during the – and here Rainbow did take a quick two glances at Twilight - Smarty Pants Incident. A very small voice in the back of her mind protested – it was ridiculous, to make such a fuss about something as small as a lost quill – but the better half blared warning signals. You had to take Twilight seriously when in this mode, Rainbow knew that much.

“Tell me why it’s such a crime to use a pen.” She started, carefully. Twilight skid to a halt right before she hit a wall, then spun around unsteadily.

“There’s no crime to it, actually.” Twilight began, voice slipping into a more dignified tone. Just as Rainbow was about to breathe a sigh of relief, the alicorn continued. “In fact, I could prove it! I think it’s right… huh, where did it go? It was supposed to be right… oh, here it is! On page three fifty four, of Equestria’s Written Law. I always loved the name of that – such an amazing play on words, right there!” Twilight giggled again, like a very immature schoolfilly.

“Okay, I get it!” Rainbow hurried, before Twilight got the chance to continue… and then didn’t stop. “Then tell me why you won’t use a pen!” That was Technique One of ‘How To Bring Twilight Back to Sanity.’ Distract. Get her talking, let her talk everything out, and maybe (hopefully!) she’ll see sense again. This may be followed by violent outbursts, and may or may not continue with a onslaught of books. Be prepared, and stay on your guard. In best case, have multiple pillows and some rope nearby. If this fails, consult Technique Two – found on page 185. (Pie et al. 175).

“Fine!” Twilight folded her wings – while still in the air – and dropped down next to Rainbow. “A fountain pen. Looks amazing, right? Just amazing, beautiful, and amazing. And I admit, the quality of line is really amazing. It looks very elegant. But really.” Twilight rubbed her hooves together. “The tip is weak. It can’t hold any sort of pressure! And dear Me, it leaks, like, every single day. The sorry excuse for a writing utensil is not as amazing as everypony makes it to be.” She sniffed. Rainbow opened her mouth to speak, but Twilight’s eyes snapped open. “Oh no, my little Dashie. You asked for this!” She grinned again, showing off gleaming white teeth. “The ballpoint pen! Yes, this one doesn’t leak as much. Which, yes, is nice. And yes, if I had to, absolutely had to, write with a pen, yes, I’d pick this one. But don’t be fooled, Rainbow Dash! That really smooth tip, with such a nice feeling, can get STUCK!” Twilight’s eyes widened with the gasp. “And what happens when I don’t want to write with boring black ink anymore? What happens when I want to write with some purple ink?! Well, then, the wonderful pen isn’t as wonderful anymore.” She narrowed her eyes, still grinning at Dash. Who was, by now, searching for an exit. “Lastly. There’s the rollerball pen. Which, quite frankly, doesn’t deserve a place in my pen jar. I’ll have to empty it out later. Because those pens? They’re a disgrace to pens everywhere. It uses so much ink in one sitting, you always have to refill it, over, and over, and over again! And I won’t even start on how easily that… thing… smears! You couldn’t write a proper letter without there being those hideous black marks all over the paper! So, that pen shouldn’t even qualify as a pen anymore, to be honest.” She finished with a satisfied smile and a proud blink.

Rainbow stared, a sure unease clouding her eyes.

“I know, right? You’re speechless! We should write a book about this. ‘The Truth about Pens’ or something. Actually, that’s not a bad idea! Fetch me my-” Twilight’s eyes narrowed again. “Oh. Wait. I can’t, because I don’t have a quill.” And in a flash, one of the very composed Princesses of Equestria was back in the air, dropping all composure and dignity… for a quill. There, the shelves were done! Emptied! Time to move on!

“Twilight, I think this is going too far…” Rainbow called as the princess half-galloped, half-flew out of the library – no doubt toward the next poor room. Her wings beat out of sync with each other, making her slam hard into the doorframe. She barely blinked.

“Don’t worryyyyyy!” Her manic giggle trailed back to Rainbow, echoing in the large room cluttered with fallen books, folders… and pens. Rainbow swallowed hard, gaze traveling first from the roof, where a chandelier was hanging only by one last screw. Then to the bookshelves, polished and bare without any books. And lastly, to the floor, where every last book had splattered. She glanced in Twilight’s direction, where a loud crash, followed by a faint ‘ow!’ rang out. Another crash, this one even louder.

Rainbow flinched. “Pinkie Pie… what have we done?”

Author's Note

Hehehe.. I have finally been able to write a Comedy! :pinkiecrazy:
For the record, I am a pen person. I love, love, love pens - and I am very much aware that I have just betrayed my kind. I hope my wonderful, amazing, elegant Pilot pens can forgive me one day. :pinkiesad2:

Hope everyone enjoyed! :twilightsmile: