The alicorn of the night, Princess Luna, watched with disdain as the clumsy human machine touched down in the grassy field, its blades send bits of debris flying from the downforce. As its engines spun down, the sliding door on the side opened and a tall, thin human stepped out in a black suit.
“Princess Luna, nice to meet you. I'm Mike Pence.” The creature spoke.
“Hmph! I do not know of you!” Luna snorted. “Where is the orange man? Does he not deem me worthy enough to challenge me himself?”
Mike hung his head and muttered something about 'being relevant' beneath his breath before looking up at her in with a smile. “The president is dealing with important issues back in the States, and the secret service felt it would be best not to let you two speak to each other again after the last meeting.”
“He said Tia was fat!” Luna yelled a little bit to loudly before regaining her composure. “Tis of no consequence. To the battle!”
The alicorn turned and strode to the edge of the hill they were standing on. The Vice President and a few secret servicemen followed her at a respectful distance lest she use the Royal Canterlot voice again.
“Tia was most insistent that I exercise caution when creating my battle plans.” Luna explained. “I took her advice to heart and formed a rather daring ambush for your pitiful army.”
“Well, you might want to think twice about sending your forces against ours.” Pence remarked. “Those boys down there aren't just run of the mill G.I.s, those are specially trained operatives called Navy SEALs.”
Luna merely smiled at him with a devilish grin. “Those are not the ponies of the Solar guard, they are my own personal night guard. They have never been beaten, and they will not be tonight.”
Then, unexpectedly, the princess let out a high pitched squee of delight. “Eeeeh! I finally get to one up Tia!”
“Ten metre spread, maintain comms through channel three.”
“Yes sir.”
The four men moved through the forest in perfect formation, their movements synchronized through years of training. The sergeant took point, the lieutenant to his left while last two flanked them. Four men acting with the mind of one, sixteen men coordinated by the careful orders of drone operators watching from above.
One high altitude bomber making passes every two minutes to provide ordnance, four Blackhawk helicopters orbiting at range ready to make attack runs, one mastermind commanding every aspect of the battlefield.
It was a perfectly orchestrated strike in its opening moments.
“Hardhat, this is Geiger three, checking in.” Crackled the radio. “We've reached the crash site. No enemy contacts.”
“Geiger three, this is hardhat.” The radio operator's voice came back barely a whisper. “Move in and inspect the crash site. Crew went silent fifteen minutes ago.”
The four men formed a defensive line and sprinted to the downed helicopter. The UH-60 Blackhawk was landed in one piece, covered entirely in frosting. By the looks of it, a class three cake had been used to bring it down.
The sergeant carefully reached out and grasped the handle before carefully sliding the large door open. It did not give easily, the frosting covering up the rollers.
Inside were three men; two pilots and a crew chief, lying peacefully on the floor of the helicopter.
“Hey, wake up!” The sergeant whispered to the nearest man, gently shaking him.
“Sergeant!” The lieutenant spoke up. “What's the hold up?”
“They're sleeping sir, maybe hit with a gas agent.” He responded before taking a closer look at the man. More specifically, his smiling face.
Realization flooded the sergeant and he quickly shut the door.
“Lieutenant! We got trouble!” He said.
“What's up?”
“These guys got hit by a snuggler!”
“Fudgemuffins!” The lieutenant swore. “Hardhat, this is Geiger three! Be advised, we have a snuggler in the area, maybe multiple!”
The sound of air guns rapid firing foam balls from the west attracted their attention and the team turned their guns to the noise.
“All units! All units!” Geiger one's voice cut into the radio. “Contact! Three, no, four hostiles in the trees, we mmph!”
Gieger one's voice was abruptly cut by something extremely fluffy.
“Geiger one! Geiger one! Respond!” Hardhat desperately called to the team in distress, but silence only greeted them.
“Geiger three, get to cover, Geiger two circle around to Geiger one's last known position!”
The men did not need to be told twice and quickly took cover in a ditch, their gun barrels tracking the nearby trees.
“Hardhat, this is Geiger two.” The radio crackled. “Geiger one is down, all of them. Definitely the work of snugglers.”
“Roger that, stay with them Geiger two, evac is on the way.”
A new voice joined the conversation. “Hardhat, this is Geiger four, enemy AA is still active. Do not advise bring in the helos unless you want them to get caked.”
“Negative Geiger four, ordnance incoming.” Hardhat responded.
A cocky voice with the drone of machinery in the background cut in. “Hardhat, this is Badger flight, target is painted, bombs away.”
The dull thwumps of massive pillow packages impacting somewhere nearby was deafening in the silence of the darkness. Whatever the intended target was thoroughly feathered by the strike, adorably cute sneezes cutting sharply into the night.
“Hardhat! We—mmph mmph!” Geiger two's voice cut in before it was brutally muffled.
“Geiger two!” Hardhat actually yelled into the radio. “Geiger four! Do you have eyes on Geiger two?”
“Negative Hardhat!” Came the response. “Tree cover is just too thick!”
The radio was silent for a few tense moments before Hardhat finally came back on.
“Geiger three and four, stand by for evac.”
“What? NO!” The lieutenant protested. “Hardhat, we are not leaving those men behind!”
“Negative, Geiger three, situation is too dangerous. Maintain position where Geiger four can maintain overwatch. You are not, I repeat, not, to enter the forest!”
“Hardhat, this is Geiger four. They may not have to move, looks like the snugglers have come to them.”
Guns were instantly on the swivel as the four men scanned the surrounding woods. Their night vision goggles showing nothing but trees, but somehow the men knew that they were being watched.
“Hardhat, how soon is that evac going to be here?” The lieutenant asked.
“Ten minutes.” Came the instant reply.
“We may not have ten minutes.”
Two 'pomfs' followed by dull thuds announced first strike by the sergeant.
“Brownies, they're fast!” He cursed.
“Hehe, or is it that you're just slow?” A silky voice said from right behind them.
The four men whirled on the voice and sprayed the area, but there was nothing to be found.
“What was that?” One of them asked.
The sergeant shook it off. “Stay alert, they're playing with us. Just stay cool and the helos will be here soon.”
“Not soon enough.” A female voice cut in from above.
The lieutenant swung his gun upwards but it wasn't fast enough. Something extremely fluffy that smelled like peppermint engulfed his face and he was picked up momentarily before he was set down.
Strong hooves kept his face buried in the thestrals natural chest fluff as she stroked his hair and whispered to him.
“Don't worry, we'll go get ice cream after this.” Her voice was soothing and sweet.
Struggling just seemed so pointless, the lieutenant thought, it would just be so much nicer to fall asleep in her embrace.
“EEEEEEEEEH!” The thestral literally shrieked as she dropped him, thoroughly waking him up.
“THE RED THING!” The mare screamed happily, diving away to a point near the downed helicopter.
Dozens of voices began clamoring in the night as more and more bat ponies dove in to an increasing pile of struggling thestrals, all of whom where thoroughly entranced by something.
“Lieutenant! You okay?” The sergeant's voice cut in. “Thought we lost you for a second.”
“Yeah, I'm fine.” He stuttered as he slowly got to his feet. “What happened?”
“They were all over us, then next thing we know, they just began throwing themselves at the ground.
“I GOT IT!” One of the thestrals exclaimed triumphantly, only to look at his empty hooves in confusion.
“Dude, they're like cats down there.” Geiger four's voice crackled through the radio.
“Geiger four, what's going on?” Hardhat demanded.
“I turned on my laser sight, and the ponies went nuts trying to catch it!” Geiger four and his team could be heard laughing in the background.
“Uh, standby.” Was all Hardhat had to say.
“Well, Princess Luna, what do you have to say about your 'elite troops' now?” Vice President Pence smirked.
When no answer was forthcoming, he looked to where he last saw Princess Luna and was shocked to see the alicorn was gone.
“Have at thee, tiny red dot!”
Grabbing a pair of binoculars, he was even more surprised to see the princess in the thick of the melee of thestrals, her hooves desperately stomping on Geiger four's laser sight.
One of his staff approached holding a radio. “Sir, command wants to know if the exercise is canceled?”
“Huh, why would it be?” Pence asked, confused at the sudden turn of events.
“Well sir, Princess Luna has entered the combat area.” The staffer shrugged. “We figured we should cancel to avoid an incident.”
The vice president suddenly got an idea and smiled.
“No, the exercise is still on.” He ordered, his smile stretching from ear to ear. “And is Badger flight still in the area?”
“Yes sir, sitting up top with thirty tons of guided pillow packages.”
“Good.” Pence looked back through his binoculars, still smiling. “Tell them to drop all of it.”
Author's Note
I think it was funny? I don't really know. I'm too tired to tell. This was written in less than two hours with no coffee. Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.