Pony Python's Flying Circus; Lyra

by Bushido

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 2052

Lyra is in a rut.

Inspired heavily by "Monty Hoofton's Galloping Circus"

Lyra is in a rut. Bon Bon enlists the Doctor to help her marefriend. Hilarity ensues?

First published fanfic, so don't be super-brutal. This is more then a bit of a test run.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2011-12-15 18:00:22 UTC

Chapter -1

Lyra sat at her desk in the dark, her chin resting upon a forehoof as she idly rotated a pencil with her magic. Slowly spinning the pencil faster and faster, she eventually lost control and it joined it's comrades in the far wall- all stuck fast in the wooden construction. Sighing, she switched hooves, and she summoned another pencil, as her pencil cup was already out of pencils and she couldn't spin a pencil without a pencil to spin. Behind her were the silhouettes of two ponies- a mare and a colt, both out in the hallway.

"It's horrible, doctor!" cried the mare in a startlingly good impression of an upper-class Manehattenite.

"She's been like this for days, now! Just staring into space, sitting at her desk! Isn't there anything you can do?"

The aforementioned doctor (who?) produced a pipe from the ethereal mists and placed it in his mouth. "But of course, my dear Bon Bon. You see, your marefriend there has what we in the fine field of doctor-ing have not found a name for."

Puffing his pipe once and releasing a small amount of bubbles, the doctor (who?) turned around for dramatic effect. "In laymare's terms, however, she is too set in her ways. Too absorbed with the everyday, the mundane: To put it simply... your marefriend is in a rut."

"No!" squeaked the mare, now having lapsed into a strange Trottingham twinge.

The doctor (who?) nodded. "Yes."

"No!" squealed the mare, having adopted a Neighhonjin sound.

The doctor (who?) nodded. "Yes."

"No!" squawked the mare, who had apparently become a zebra in the time it takes one to nod their head.

The doctor (who?) removed his pipe from his mouth.

"Stop that."

Replacing his pipe, the doctor (who?) continued. "Now, treatment is simple. All you have to do is... mix it up a little, so to speak. Send her a curveball. Throw a wrench into her plans."

The mare placed her hooves over her mouth again, blushing a magnificent shade of not-quite-pink-but-very-light-red before calming enough to speak. "... Are you suggesting we... copulate, doctor?"

"No- that's too little. Also, a bit too risque for our target audience. No, we need something more... dramatic, you see."

The doctor (who?) produced a large searchlight- roughly the size of a very, very small large thing- from his nowhere, and planted it firmly in the closest outer wall he could find.

"Luckily for you, my dear Bon Bon, I know an expert on the subject."

Flicking a switch with his facey-parts, the searchlight roared to life. Firing a large, terrific beam into the sky, it projected two crossed eyes onto the closest cloud, the spectacle visible through a nearby window.

Moments later, the wall in which the searchlight was mounted developed another hole as a wall-eyed gray pegasus burst into the room. Saluting the doctor (who?), she stood, awaiting orders.

"Ah, you're late, Miss Hooves." said the doctor (who?), a tone of annoyance present in his voice.

The pegasus' eyes jostled in her head a little bit. "Sorry, 'Doc. Traffic down at the SKY89 is awful at this time of day."

The doctor (who?) nodded in response. "I see. Very well, then."

Turning back to his client, the doctor (who?) began once again. "Ms. Hooves will be taking over the operation from here, as she is a specialist in this field of medicine and I have the utmost confidence in her. I leave you in capable hooves, ms. Bon Bon."

And with that, the doctor (who?) trotted a few feet backward, got a running start and burst another hole in the very same wall. (why?)

Breifly applauding his excellent form, Derpy turned to her client with grace and sophistiaction. "So, then. I hear your marefriend needs to be confused, confuddled- I daresay, confounded, even, miss?"

Bon Bon nodded, motioning through the doorway at her significant other. The mint-colored unicorn had only just realized that there was a sharpener on her desk, and seemed to be preparing another volley of writing implements. Despite the serious look on her face, the pegasus' eyes began to wander even more as she attempted to grasp the precise nature of the situation.

Putting a hoof to her mouth (for no particular reason), the pegasus let out a sharp, piercing whistle. Moments later, a trio of mares burst through the already-swiss-cheesed wall, followed by a fourth mare who burst through a nearby window; only to be one upped by a fifth mare bursting through the front door, which promptly detatched from it's hinges and created another hole in the wall opposite. Realizing her folly, the fifth mare then went back through the doorway and burst another hole in the same wall, blushing a bit with embarassment.

All 5 mares saluted in tandem, as the wall-eyed pegasus inspected each one in sequence. "Hmm. Yes, good. Good. Nice touch with the glass shards, Scootaloo."

The littlest pony, the one with bits and pieces of window in places where bits of pieces of window where they weren't supposed to be, puffed her chest out in pride. A bit of window fell to the floor, followed by a small jet of blood. "I do my best, ma'am."

The pegasus came to a stop at the end of the room, light shining on her dramatically from the half-dozen holes in the wall. "Alright, everypony. You know the drill- there is a mare out there who needs to be confused, and we are the ponies for the job. On my signal."

Breifly pausing, the wall-eyed pegasus began to spin her eyes in their sockets faster and faster and faster until she lifted off the ground and apparently generated thrust. As she flew into the kitchen, the troupe followed suit- leaving Bon Bon alone to her thoughts.

"... Lyra's in good hooves."

________________________________________________

Struggling against the full weight of a marshmallow-colored miniature equine, Bon Bon clawed (hoofed?) her way to the kitchen door, slowly making progress despite her marefriend's startling amount of dead weight. Finally reaching her threshhold, the earth pony collapsed on the ground, panting for breath.

"W-why are... you so... heavy?!" she wheezed, as Lyra rolled around idly on the kitchen tile, possibly having spotted a pencil under the fridge.

Due to her exhausted stupor, the cream-coated mare began an internal monolague."(Alright, Bon Bon- maybe... 5 more steps, and you're home free. Ms. Hooves said she would set up in the backyard, and all YOU have to do is get Lyra there. Easy peasy, lemon squeez-)"

"-y?"

Upon closer inspection, there was a distinct lack of mint-colored unicorn in this kitchen. The tiles, while shiny and new and shiny, held no signs of a struggle. Neither did the fridge, nor the countertops, nor the 12-gauge shotgun cleverly disguised as a very large soup spoon. Whoever had ponynapped Lyra was a master of subtlety, to not only make not so much as a peep while spiriting away an inert pony-shaped mass, but to go completely undetected by a bystander- which meant that the usual suspects, Carrot Top and Berry Punch, were not likely culprits.

Using her amazing powers of DEDUCTIVE REASONING and LOGIC, Bon Bon reckoned that there was but one mare in all of Equestria who could pull off a heist like this- and she lived at the edge of a forest, was extremely quiet, constantly smelled of assorted animals.

Eyes narrowing to mere slits, Bon Bon hissed under her breath. "Fleur-de-lis."

Charging through her own wall, a confectioner (voice actor? baker? doctor? (who?)) became a screaming warrior as she rode off into the distance in search of her love. "I'm coming, Lyra!"

Meanwhile, in the backyard, said Lyra found her rump planted firmly on the ground as she stared in confusion at a bright red curtain atop a bright red stage.

Instantaneously, a small filly laced with glass and tree sap (?) appeared before her eyes. Attached to her were wires- the purpose of which escaped Lyra, confuddling her even more.

"Fillies and gentlecolts..."

The filly disappeared behind the curtains.

Lyra blinked.

Finally, the curtains opened, revealing a pair of mares- one with a machine gun, and the other with an apple on her head. The first mare- who was wearing a very dapper top hat and a monocle- tapped the top of the machine gun three times in sequence. In response, the second mare tapped the apple on her head three times. They would repeat this process 2 or 3 times before the machine gun finally burst into flames and the apple became an orange.

The curtains closed again.

Lyra blinked.

Again, the curtains opened, revealing a mare in a crocodile suit in a bear suit and as a strange, furless ape clad in knickerbockers. Both armed with boxing gloves, the crocodile-bear-thing took a few swings at the be-pantsed anomaly and it collapsed to the ground in a heap. Without warning, the strange being's shorts tore themselves off it's bare bottom and flew into the sky, never to be seen again, as it's hind quarters emitted a strange hissing sound and ejected a small filly in a very large racing cap and a handlebar moustache.

"Curses and blast!" she said, twirling her magnificent moustache.

And then she exploded.

The curtains closed again.

Lyra blinked. She didn't need to sleep tonight anyway.

The curtains opened once more, revealing a train floating a foot in the air, several melting clocks and a very ill-concieved bull that was either charging directly at it or perpendicular to directly at it. The conductor of the train- a sentient road sign labeled "BOOBIES"- drew a revolver, and began to-

"Stop. STOP."

"What in the name of ALL that is GOOD and JUST am I looking at?"

The gray pegasus from before materialized behind the road sign, smoking a pipe and wearing a Fetlock Holmes cap. "Are you confused yet?"

The unicorn blinked. "Yet? I've been CONFUSED from the star-"

From behind, a voice. "VICTORY IS OURS"

Whipping around on the spot, Lyra found herself face to face with the same gray-coated pegasus, who was now wearing a gigantic grin. The unicorn's innate reaction was to rear up, and she found herself plot-first on the ground again.

The pegasus' grin disappeared, and her expression suddenly turned very grave. "I must go. My ponies need me."

And so she did, leaving behind naught but a confused, confounded and an especially confuddled unicorn in her wake. Also several thousand bits of collateral damage.

Lyra did what any pony would do when faced with this particular situation- clasp her head in her hooves and scream at the top of her lungs.

"WHAT"

________________________________________________

"And... that's all I remember about that, Doctor." finished Lyra, sitting supine on a couch. Across from her, in an armchair, sat the Doctor, who was writing something on a clipboard with his mouth.

Spitting his pencil into a nearby cup, the Doctor turned to face his patient, his face stoic and unreadable. "I see. You've been through quite alot, miss Heartstrings; there is no doubt in my mind about that."

Standing up, he walked back behind his desk, shuffling through the drawers in search of something. "However, I regret to say that I am not certified to help you in this line of medicine, as it is not my specialty. However, I do know somepony who is, indeed, a specialist in the fine art of mental health, and I would gladly introduce her to you."

The unicorn's ears perked up. "Really, doc? You'd do that for me?"

"But of course, my dear Lyra." said the doctor. "Ah, here it is. One moment."

Ducking under his desk for a moment, the colt reappeared with a small brass bell- the kind with a button on it, for ease-of-use- and placed it on his desk. Retreating out of sight again, he appeared once more, now donning a strange white hat and with a jarringly absent expression on his face.

He rang the bell.

Ding. "DOCTOR!"

Ding. "DOCTOR?"

Ding."DOCTOR!"

Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

"DOCTOR!!!"

A certain wall-eyed pegasus appeared through a door, donning the same strange white hat.

"HELLO"

The Doctor (who?) looked in her general direction, his eyes still splaying off in very strange directions- not unlike his companion. "ARE YOU... THE BRAIN SPECIALIST?"

The pegasus blinked. "HELLO"

Lyra screamed.