The Cold Feeling in My Heart
The rain made an endless clamoring as it pelted against the window of the classroom. An overcast sky, a cold day. Windy. Rainy. Like the entire rest of the week had been. Not a beam of sunlight could pierce the gray clouds despite it being the middle of the day and if one were outside their hair would be whipping to and fro around their face.
Applejack watched it all from inside her math classroom. Elbow propped up, chin in the palm of her hand. The clock she wasn’t paying attention to said there were still three minutes before class officially started, her previous class was practically right next door and she was always the first or second to arrive here. She shared it with Rainbow Dash. Who somehow always found a way to barely show up on time.
And taking her eyes off the window she glanced at the desk of the other friend she shared the class with.
Rarity’s seat was empty. She had caught a cold two days ago from her little sister after she, Apple Bloom, and their other friend had spent too long messing around in the cold rain one day after school. Luckily Apple’s were made of stronger stuff and neither had Apple Bloom gotten sick nor had she passed it on to her big sis.
Luckily, huh?
Whether sick or not, because Rarity was it still meant she didn’t get to see her for a few days. Applejack sat behind and to the left of Rarity’s desk. It normally gave her the perfect view of her fashionable friend. And she normally spent most of the class looking at her. Consciously or subconsciously, in whatever class they had together that’s what happened.
It was cold in the classroom. Goosebumps covered her arms.
How long had she been doing this? A long time before she even realized, that’s for sure.
It wasn’t until after what had happened at Equestria Land that Applejack fully realized how she felt. Before that it seemed normal. Or maybe a little more special to her than a normal friendship. Rarity was always her best friend, her oldest friend, and she felt closer to her than any of the others even with how deep and special a relationship all seven of them had.
But now she could look back and understand why she felt so differently about Rarity for so long. Why she always glanced at her in class. Why she paid more attention to her. Why whenever Rarity hugged her or held her hand it made her heart pound just a little bit harder.
It had been tough. Accepting it. She tried to bury it deep down for a long time but eventually realized that was pointless.
She was in love with her best friend. It felt good and painful to admit it to herself at the same time.
No one else knew. No one else could know.
Maybe it was good that Rarity wasn’t here right now. Applejack could use math as a distraction. Clear her head. Think about something else for once instead of the girl that normally filled every waking moment of her thoughts.
And right on cue Rainbow Dash burst into the classroom, having used her super speed to make sure she made it even though she wasn’t supposed to use it all willy-nilly like that. Not that Applejack minded. She grinned and gave her blue friend a wave that Rainbow Dash was more than happy to return, then the athlete took her seat and class begun.
The subject wasn’t Applejack’s strongest and her lack of focus on it unfortunately let her eyes wander to the empty desk in front of her.
Why?
Couldn’t she go a single period without thinking about Rarity?
Was it worse because she wasn’t here?
Applejack already knew how happy she would be the next time she saw Rarity after an absence like this. But she was worried too. Rarity would definitely want to hug her. And Applejack would have to do her best to not blush or stiffen at the contact. She’d have to fight to react as normally as possible, like she was getting a hug from any of her other friends.
If Rarity suddenly ran up to Applejack to say hello and gave her a friendly hug, would Applejack return it? Or would she accidentally blurt out “I love you”?
It’s something she’s wanted to say for so long now but can’t.
Can’t. Won’t. Can’t.
So many reasons. So many excuses.
That’s what she was worried most about when it came to Rarity nowadays. After bottling in her feelings for so long she was afraid she might accidentally let them out. Whenever those bright blue eyes turned her direction she had to fight from saying it. Sometimes she fantasized about just saying it. Thinking how nice it would feel. But she couldn’t. She wanted to stop caring and just say it, to forget about everything else and be honest with her feelings and her best friend. But sense and reason always won out in the end. For better or for worse.
It wasn’t even rejection that scared her. Since she knew that that would probably be the answer in the first place.
She had come to terms with that.
It was everything else.
She knew things would be different if she confessed. Irrevocably changed even if they and everyone else tried to keep things the same. Rarity would feel terrible for having to reject her. Applejack didn’t want to do that to her first of all. Rarity would say they were still best friends. Applejack didn’t know if she could take hearing that. Rarity… would she act like nothing had happened or would she start to treat Applejack differently? She wasn’t sure which. And she wasn’t sure which would make her feel worse.
Everyone else would learn she was in love with Rarity too. It would come out eventually either through her mouth or Rarity’s.
She knew they wouldn’t mind. Her friends would always stick by her.
But she worried about some things.
When they learned she liked girls, would they think: Did she ever look at us that way?
Irrevocably changed. Even if they were still her friends, and Applejack knew they would be, things would be different. And Applejack didn’t want that.
She knew Granny Smith would still love her. Big Mac too. And Apple Bloom. Family stuck together.
But it would be different.
Rainbow Dash was goofing off in the back of the class. Her antics and the admonishment from their teacher brought a momentary reprieve to Applejack’s thoughts. She laughed along with everyone else as the blue athlete blushed in embarrassment and stood up straight in her chair, reopening her textbook and asking Watermelody sitting next to her what page they were supposed to be on.
It was nice to be that carefree.
And again Applejack’s thoughts went back into the doldrums.
Lunch was next at least. There she could sit with her friends and actually have some fun. She could take her mind off how cold she felt.
She missed not being able to look at Rarity during math. She missed not being able to say hi to her before class began, or waving and smiling at her as she walked in through the door. Now Applejack had nothing to look at beyond the rain. Each stray thought made her chest tighten and a cold pit begin to form in her.
“Sup, let’s go?” Rainbow Dash said to her, standing next to her desk.
Applejack hadn’t even noticed her coming. The rest of the class must have gone by in a blur.
“Huh? Oh yeah, sure. Hold on just one second, sugarcube,” she said to her friend, quickly stuffing her things away and getting up to leave.
“You doing alright? You seem kind of out of it,” Rainbow Dash asked her.
“I’m fine,” Applejack shook her worries off, offering her a smile. “Just a little cold I guess.”
“You were totally spacing out dude,”
She was right. Applejack couldn’t deny that. Her eyes had been glued to the rain pounding on the window before Rainbow Dash came over to get her and her mind had been thinking about Rarity and only Rarity. Goosebumps still ran up and down her arms.
Applejack didn’t say anything else. She only shrugged and started walking out of the classroom. Rainbow Dash shrugged and followed her, an easy grin on her face, not one to sweat the small things.
Before they left the classroom, Applejack stole one last glance at Rarity’s empty seat.
She had thought about not confessing to Rarity but still telling the others that she liked girls. The two things were so interconnected in her mind though. She realized both things at the same time and Rarity still completely dominated her thoughts that she couldn’t even fathom what liking another girl besides her was like. And even if they never learned the truth about how she felt towards Rarity that reveal would still change how everyone thought of her.
She had thought about asking Lyra and Bon Bon for advice. But she couldn’t trust them to keep quiet about it forever.
It was still cold in the cafeteria and the only thing that kept out the sound of the rain was the hundreds of loud teenagers inside. Several of which were her friends.
Pinkie Pie was being Pinkie Pie. Twilight was going on about a test or some kind of invention of hers she was working on with Micro Chips. Fluttershy and Sunset were talking about Sunset’s game stream. Applejack never could figure out how any of that streaming stuff worked. And Dash was telling everyone of how she had been messing around in math class just now.
Normal.
A normal day with her friends that she wouldn’t want to trade away.
Except for hearing “Yes”.
But that was just a fantasy.
Why couldn’t she just enjoy herself like this all the time? She liked being simple and straightforward. Even when her life got all weird when Princess Twilight first came she always thought of herself as a “down to earth” kind of gal. Now she was a mess inside. And she could barely keep herself together and act like things were normal in front of her friends. She wondered if her family noticed anything different about her back home. Did she seem more lethargic at work? Was she frowning more and not smiling as often? Did something just seem off about her?
“Earth to Applejack,” Rainbow Dash snapped her fingers in front of her face.
“Huh?” Applejack was suddenly brought out of her stupor by Rainbow Dash for the second time that day.
“I saaaid, wasn’t it funny?” Rainbow Dash was giving her another confused look.
“Oh, sorry. Yeah, it was funny alright,” Applejack chuckled.
Her friends looked at her weirdly. Why wouldn’t they.
“Are you sure you’re alright? You’ve been acting weird all day,” Rainbow Dash asked her.
“I’m fine. The weather just makes it a pain for work around the house and everything. Been a bit of trouble lately,” she responded. A simple enough excuse. A believable enough excuse.
“Yeah Dashie, relax,” Pinkie Pie said as she slid up to her blue friend and put an arm around her shoulders. “Applejack’s probably just worried about Rarity or something too, no biggie.”
Applejack almost shot up and yelled: “Why would I be worried about Rarity?!”
But common sense and self-control won out in the apple farmer. It’s normal for her to be worried about her sick friend. Especially for Applejack to be worried about Rarity. They were best friends after all. Everyone knew that. There was nothing else to what Pinkie Pie had said. Nothing. It was good that Applejack had had practice reigning herself in ever since coming to terms with her feelings. Probably not long ago she would’ve had that hot-headed reaction. And then everyone would’ve just looked at her even stranger.
And they would’ve asked her what’s wrong.
And she wouldn’t be able to tell them.
“Well I wouldn’t say worried,” Applejack said. “It’s just a cold after all. I just hope she feels better soon is all.”
“Maybe we could visit her after school today?” Twilight suggested.
No.
“I’m sure Rarity would love that,” Fluttershy smiled.
No.
“You think we should stop off somewhere and get her a card or something?” Sunset said.
No.
“Hold on everybody,” Applejack said. “I know Rarity and if there’s one thing I’m sure of it’s that she’s not gonna want everybody to see her when she’s laid up in bed and looking like a mess. Let’s just give her some space until she’s back at a hundred and ten percent.”
She was afraid. She was afraid she wouldn’t be able to hold it back anymore the next time she saw her.
Put it off. Put it off as long as she can.
Why was it so cold in the cafeteria?
“Yeah, you’re probably right about that,” Sunset giggled. “Could you imagine the look on Rarity’s face if we showed up and her hair’s a mess and she’s got rolled up tissues all over the floor?”
Beautiful. That’s what it would look like.
“She’d never forgive us for that one,” Sunset finished.
Applejack dodged a bullet there. Everyone went back to their normal conversations for the rest of lunch, Applejack trying her best this time not to get lost in her thoughts of Rarity, lest another awkward moment erupt. But why did it bother her so much to twist things around and try to convince her friends that they shouldn’t go see Rarity? It was dishonest. That’s what it was. The ache in her chest. The coldness in her chest. They may have gotten worse.
Just say it.
Just tell her.
She had to ignore that voice.
Why even surrounded by her friends did she have to think about all of this? Why couldn’t she just enjoy herself? Why couldn’t she enjoy anything anymore?
Drowning. That’s what it felt like.
Already she was lost again, staring off into space most likely. Her earlier thought came back to her. It was worse that Rarity wasn’t here, since then at least she’d be paying attention to her instead of looking like a zombie.
How much longer could she do this? Applejack knew she probably couldn’t keep her feelings bottled up forever. Not like this. But she couldn’t let them out. Did she try to get over Rarity? Was that the answer? If she stopped feeling this way then everything would be fine. But how could she stop loving her first love? How could she get rid of these feelings if she can’t even give voice to them? They’re stuck. She’s stuck. There are pretty girls at school. There are nice girls at school. But there’s only one Rarity.
Maybe she needed to go on a date. Maybe she could force her love for Rarity away. Maybe then nothing would have to change.
No. It would still change. But not as much.
Applejack didn’t realize lunch had ended but she automatically rose with her friends and went to history class. Shared with Fluttershy. Not with Rarity.
Did she look normal? What did she say to Fluttershy while they’re were walking together?
She couldn’t remember.
Did she wave goodbye to the others? It was a blur.
Why couldn’t she make herself stop loving her best friend?
It was colder in the history classroom. Maybe the teacher left the air-conditioning on. Or the insulation was worse. Maybe the temperature outside had dropped while they were eating lunch and that was why. The rain was still going strong outside. Murky. Darker than when she was in math.
She just wanted to be home already. Home where she could be alone. Go to sleep and hopefully enter the one time where she didn’t have to think about Rarity.
She was happy that Fluttershy didn’t sit nearby. Her pink haired friend might see that something was wrong with her. Applejack caught her reflection in the window. She didn’t smile as much as she used to. Fluttershy would notice that.
Applejack liked history.
She wasn’t paying attention. She didn’t pay attention to any of her classes for the rest of the day.
Just let her go home. Let her be alone for a while, so she could practice reacting to Rarity’s return. A day? Two? Before she got over her cold and came back to school. Not much time for Applejack to sort things out and get back to normal. Or to at least for her to be able to act normal.
Put on a smile like she usually wore. Even if she didn’t feel it.
Give everyone a warm hello. Even if her heart felt like ice inside her chest.
Pay attention in class. Even if she wanted to grasp Rarity’s hands in her own and tell her everything.
Be a good friend.
Friend.
Friend.
Friend.
She was walking home. Did she remember to say goodbye to everyone? Rarity’s home was near the school but thankfully in the opposite direction from Applejack’s home. She didn’t need to make an excuse for not going that way. Applejack had been in Rarity’s room a number of times, both before and after she realized her feelings. If she was there now she’d crack. It would all come out.
That’s why she walked home with a blank expression on her face.
Raining. But it didn’t bother her.
She’d have to find a way to bury her feelings even more. Completely. Get back to a semblance of normal. Tell herself enough times that it could never happen that she finally gets over it and can start being happy again. Lie. Push it down. Anything.
Rarity doesn’t think that way about you.
Rarity would reject you. Gently. Kindly. Sadly.
Fully.
Just remember that anytime you’re thinking about telling her. Remember that. Don’t ruin your friendship for nothing. You don’t need to tell her, what’s the point? Nothing needs to change. She doesn’t need to know how you feel. Your friends don’t. You don’t. No one would hate Applejack. She was popular, they wouldn’t be bothered with how she felt about girls. But that’s not all there was to it. Rarity would see her differently. Rarity would act differently. On purpose. On accident. Consciously. Unconsciously.
She didn’t want that.
She shivered. From the rain. From her heart.
She was close to home, close to sleep, close to waking up, close to another day of school. Close to seeing Rarity again. She wouldn’t tell her. She would never tell her. Applejack would wave hello and smile. Applejack would lean in and hug her back when Rarity inevitably wrapped her arms around her best friend and told her it was good to be back.
Hello Darling. Hey there Sugarcube.
It hurts.
