The Night Before The Headless Horseman Stole Christmas

by Jest

Rating: teen
Tags: Narcotics, Rainbow Dash (EqG), Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Equestria Girls, Violence, Profanity, Human
Length: 3011

A drunk Rainbow Dash tries to tell a spooky story and it goes about as well as you might expect.

A drunk Rainbow Dash tries to tell a spooky story and it goes about as well as you might expect.

(warning, there might be some minor foul language, references to violence, and mentioning of drugs contained within, though that's about it and its fairly tame on the whole.)

This was done as a request by one of you! If you want a story like this as well, head over to my patreon I do monthly request draws there!

Published 2019-10-30 22:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-10-30 22:20:02 UTC

A Spooky Night and a Spooky Story

“Are you sure we should be watching this?” Sweetie Belle whispered, the girl clutching her legs tightly as she continued to tremble in fear.

“It's halloween Sweetie Belle, grow a spine.” Scootaloo whispered back before tossing a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

On the screen before them a young woman crept through a dark, and creepy basement littered with the remains of many, many dead animals. The black and white T.V they were watching flickered at nearly the same time a bolt of lightning illuminated the attic the three girls were sitting in.

“Yeah, and this movie is like a hundred years old.” Apple Bloom muttered, gesturing to the T.V. “This isn't scary at all.”

Sweetie Belle bit her lip and continued to watch as the girl crept through the basement, unaware of the masked man stalking her silently with a chainsaw. The smell of dust hung heavy in the air, making the girl’s nose twitch and making her want to sneeze. Something the rest of her friends seemed unbothered by, as the two girls sat on the wooden floor, both glued to the old T.V that rested on a pile of old magazines.

Gulping down her fear, Sweetie Belle continued to watch as the movie played out, with the chainsaw wielding madman beginning to rev his titular weapon and causing the main character to panic. Running through the basement, the woman seemed to bang into just about everything, sending boxes tumbling to the ground and slowing not only herself but the man who chased her. After several minutes of tense chasing, she had come to a locked door, which no amount of pounding or screaming at seemed to open.

Knowing his prey could no longer escape, the killer slowly stomped his way up to the final survivor, his chainsaw raised high over his head. The roar of the weapon filled the tiny room and Sweetie Belle noticed that even her stalwart friends were both biting their nails as they waited for something to happen. The black and white girl cowered in terror, raising her hands to defend herself against the approaching killer. Who in turn raised his weapon high into the air and brought it down in a wide, sweeping arc, aiming for the girl’s neck.

A sudden dull boom made all three girls scream and for Scootaloo to leap into a pile of boxes contain old clothes and nick knacks, inadvertently knocking the old T.V off its shakey pedestal of magazines. It smashed into the ground, making all three girls scream louder, with Sweetie Belle curling into a ball while Apple Bloom ducked behind the lone chair in the room.

“Huh, I didn't think my costume was that scary.” Muttered a voice.

Sweetie Belle opened a single eye and glanced over to where she saw Rainbow Dash standing just inside the attic while looking down at her sexy nurse outfit quizicly. The revealing costume wasn't exactly scary and didn't have anything even remotely frightening save for a few splatters of blood here and there. Breathing a sigh of relief, Sweetie Belle uncurled herself from the fetal position and stood up.

“It's just Rainbow Dash.” She muttered. “You can come out now.”

Her friend’s faces peeked from around, or over the boxes and collectively breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh thank the stars.” Apple Bloom murmured as she stood up.

“What are you doing here Rainbow Dash?” Scootaloo asked. “Were you just here to scare us?”

“Err yeah.” The older girl muttered, before stumbling slightly, beer in hand. “I definitely did not get lost looking for the bathroom.”

“Why would you climb a ladder to get to the bathroom?” Apple Bloom inquired.

“Hey, I said that's not what happened.” Rainbow Dash shot back before sipping her beer and plopping down into the now empty rocking chair. “What were you guys up to anyway?”

“We were watching an old horror movie until someone knocked over the T.V.” Apple Bloom exclaimed pointedly, glaring at Scootaloo.

Who rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. “It's not my fault you put it on top of that pile of magazines and junk!”

Rainbow Dash chugged the last of her beer and tossed it into the mess of stuff that littered the apple family’s attic before letting out a belch. “Ahh who cares? That movie sucks anyway cus everybody dies.”

Sweetie Belle frowned. “Spoilers, jeese.”

The older girl shrugged. “The movie is like thirty years old. Pretty sure I’m allowed to spoil it by now.”

Apple Bloom sat cross legged across from the older female. “So, what are we going to do now? We can't go downstairs cus Applejack is having her stupid party.”

Rainbow Dash snorted. “The party would be cooler, if Twilight wasn't so drunk that she’s trying to teach everyone calculus.”

“Lame.” Scootaloo agreed.

“So what are we going to do then?” Sweetie Belle reiterated.

Rainbow Dash stood up suddenly, the girl nearly falling over in the process. “I know!” She shouted. “I’ll tell you a story. One that is way better than some B slasher movie from the eighties.”

Apple Bloom raised a solitary eyebrow. “Really now?”

Rainbow Dash spun around and glared at the shorter girl. “What is that supposed to -urp- mean? I’m a great story teller. Tell her Scootaloo.”

Scootaloo looked from her friend, to Rainbow Dash and back before shrugging. “Err yeah, she's an awesome story teller?”

Rainbow Dash nodded confidently, and jabbed a finger at the girl. “See? I told you. I have the best words, everyone agrees.”

Apple Bloom looked over at the teddy bear Rainbow Dash was talking to and sighed. “So, what's your story then Rainbow Dash?”

“Don't tell me it's the same one you told us during that camping trip.” Sweetie Belle added with a groan.

“No, it totally isn't.” Rainbow Dash exclaimed hastily, crossing her arms over her chest. “It's way more awesomer.”

“Really?” Scootaloo asked.

“Really really.” Rainbow Dash declared.

“Well, go ahead then.” Sweetie Belle offered. “It's not like we got any better ideas.”

The older girl fell back into her chair and leaned forward. “Alright. So here is the totally awesome and awesomely original tale of the headless horseman. He was a cavalryman from way back when who died and came back because he was like, really mad for losing his head or whatever. It was fine though cus he found a pumpkin to replace it. Which is where we get the phrase Jack o Lantern. See cus his name was Jack.”

“I don't think that's how the story goes.” Apple Bloom muttered.

“I’ll tell you how the story goes, missy!” Rainbow Dash angirly declared, jabbing her finger into the box next to Apple Bloom as she teetered back and forth, nearly falling over in the process.

“Then what happened?” Scootaloo asked, the girl staring with wide eyes.

“Then he moved way up a mountain in the middle of nowhere.” Rainbow Dash began, the girl trying to sit back down only to inadvertently sit on the arm rest and flop over the side of the chair awkwardly. Rather then adjust herself properly, she just pretended like that was the plan, and draped herself over the peice of furniture. “Cus like, living forever sucks and people were mean to him about his lack of a head which is so stupid cus thats a real dick move. Imagine calling someone names because they had like a wooden arm or something.”

“That's messed up yo.” Scootaloo muttered.

“Legit.” Rainbow Dash declared with a solemn nod.

Apple Bloom groaned, but kept her comments to herself at least, merely exchanging a weary glance with Sweetie Belle who couldn't help but mirror the action.

“So anyway. The headless horse dude built this big house way up in the mountains and it was just him and his horse.” Rainbow Dash continued, the girl waving her arms in the air in order to emphasize the size of this mountain. “And it was all good right? Wrong!” She shouted, lurching forward in her seat. “Cus down the mountain there was this town called christmas and they worked and worked three hundred and sixty four days a year. Always being loud and junk.”

“Woah wait a second. A town called christmas?” Apple Bloom muttered. “That doesn't make sense.”

“Towns can have names that aren't horse puns you know.” Rainbow Dash pointed out.

“Yeah Apple Bloom.” Added Scootaloo.

The farm girl crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. “Fine, whatever. You can continue your dumb story.”

“I will.” Declared Rainbow Dash, who had to pause to think about it for a minute before continuing again. “So like I was saying, this town called christmas was like super loud all the time, and the headless horse dude could hear all the banging and whatnot up in his mountain house and it kept him up at night. Only, this wasn't just any town called christmas, it was where christmas the holiday was made!”

“No way.” Scootaloo muttered, scooching a little closer. “What happened next?”

“Don't encourage her Scootaloo.” Remarked Apple Bloom tiredly.

“I kinda wanna hear this.” Admitted Sweetie Belle.

“Ha, two against one, the story continues!” Announced Rainbow Dash triumphantly.

Apple Bloom groaned, and grumbled to herself.

“So, this town was super annoying and loud like all the time, so H.H.M went down there to mess em up like how they messed up his sleep schedule. Which was apparently something an undead calvary dude still did despite being dead.” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “So he decided to take out his horse, and a bunch of other stuff and go down the mountain where he was going to ruin christmas the town, and the holiday all in one foul swoop.”

“You know this isn't half bad.” Apple Bloom muttered.

The rainbow haired nurse smirked. “And then, as he was going down the mountain he ran right into this giant pumpkin patch the size of this whole farm. There a cult was waiting for the return of their god, who would bring joy and candy to all of the little cultists trying to bring him back.” Rainbow Dash leaned forward in her chair, and her voice fell to a whisper. “And do you know what they called this dark, and terrible old god from beyond reality?”

The three younger girls all shook their heads.

“The great pumpkin!” Rainbow Dash announced.

“Isn't that from Charlie Brown?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“It's called appropriation.” Rainbow Dash declared proudly. “It's a wholly new idea only roughly inspired by charlie and the chocolate factory.”

“That's not… nevermind.” Muttered Sweetie Belle.

“Anyway…” Rainbow Dash cleared her throat and leaned back once more. “Horse dude had no time for that, so you know who he called? His buddies Bill, and Dan who werent afraid of ghosts, and could bust even elder gods if need be.”

“Hold on a second.” Apple Bloom interrupted. “Isn't that just the plot of ghostbusters?”

Rainbow Dash sighed and ran a hand down her face. “Another literary philistine. Its inspired by them, not a rip off. So there.”

“Stop interrupting the story.” Hissed Scootaloo.

“This entire story is just a mashup of different weird eighties and nineties movies.” Pointed out Sweetie Belle, who got an earful of angry Scootaloo hissing for her effort. “Alright alright, I won't interrupt.”

Scootaloo glared at her friend for a few seconds before sitting back down. “Then what happened?”

Rainbow Dash lurched forward, her eyes fluttering open. “What now? Oh yeah. The story.” She tapped her chin. “Where was I again?”

Apple Bloom snorted. “The ghost busters had just been called.”

“Riiiight.” Rainbow Dash murmured while nodding her head. “You girls were busy doubting my story right up until I totally didn't fall asleep.”

“It's not our fault your story is just a bunch of movies mashed together.” Apple Bloom deadpanned, only to get an earful of angry Scootaloo hissing. “Oh hiss yourself ya big ninny.”

“Well what if I told you this was all based on a true story?” Rainbow Dash interrupted, grinning smugly. “Would that blow your mind?”

“Well your right about one thing, it sure would blow.” Apple Bloom snickered.

“Its true!” Rainbow Dash declared. “The headless horse dude was actually a german soldier that was serving as an auxiliary for the british in seventeen seventy six during the battle of white plains. It was there that he was decapitated by an american cannonball and had his body dragged away without having found his head. Now, every Halloween he emerges from his grave and searches for his head.” She paused and tapped her chin. “Or did he find his head and he carried it around? Whatever. It doesn't matter.”

Sweetie Belle gasped. “Wow, your right. That's actually where the myth originated. See?” The girl raised her phone and showed off the wikipedia page for emphasis.

Rainbow Dash smirked. “I may be a dumbass, but I’m not stupid you know.”

“She's got crazy lesbian energy.” Scootaloo added solemnly.

“Hell yeah I do! Up top!” Rainbow Dash raised her hand and went for a high five only to fall face first off her chair. “I’m okay.”

“Alright so, then what happened?” Apple Bloom asked.

“I thought you didn't like her story.” Scootaloo announced smugly.

“Even a bad story needs an ending.” Apple Bloom fired back.

After peeling her face off the ground and sitting back down, Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. “Right. So the horse man guy was going back down the mountain, and he gets to the town finally. There's lights, and singing, and elves and all that happy go lucky christmas nonsense going on around town right? Well he decides he doesn't like any of it, like not a single thing so he decides to make a molotov cocktail and burn the place down. Only there aren't any liquor stores in christmas for some reason, which is hella wack because I mean come on. It's christmas, ya gotta get drunk. It's like… a rule or something.”

The girl paused, expecting to get interrupted only for nothing to happen. “No snappy comments? Huh, well alright then. So as he's wandering around looking for a way to burn this place down and he finds this girl right, and she tells him that he's Jason Bourne.” She pauses for a moment. “Wait no... How did this go again?”

“He went back to his town of halloween and accepted his limitations?” Apple Bloom offered.

“He found out the true meaning of christmas?” Sweetie Belle added.

“No no, none of that stuff happened. He got a serious case of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and his heart grew three sizes that day. Thankfully he was a member of the undead, and that didn't really bother him too much.” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Everything worked out though, cus he was distracted from his murderous wrath by a great feast hosted by the native americans. Forced to sit down and eat a four course meal with Santa and his elves, the headless man guy realized he could just buy a pair of ear plugs so then he could enjoy his untaxed land and his peace and quiet. The end.”

“That was the stupidest story I’ve ever heard in my entire life.” Apple Bloom declared.

“I loved it!” Scootaloo announced.

“That certainly was… interesting.” Murmured Sweetie Belle.

“Oh come on, that story was great!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, the girl standing up and waving her arms around. “It had drama, ghosts, a cameo by Mel Brooks, and absolutely no horse puns whatsoever. Seriously, what is up with all the horse puns, there aren't even any horse farms around here.”

“That's not how… you know what? Nevermind.” Apple Bloom declared.

Scootaloo winced and rubbed the back of her neck. “You know, come to think of it, that was a little ranty for my taste.”

“Could be worse, we could be sitting in the dark doing nothing.” Sweetie Belle added.

Rainbow Dash sniffed. “You didn't like my story?”

The three other girls exchanged a worried look, everyone glancing nervously at the older woman. “Uhh… no?” Apple Bloom replied, only to get an elbow from Scootaloo.

“Fine! I’m going to go back downstairs and learn how to divide imaginary numbers then!” Rainbow Dash shouted before stomping her way over to the ladder, only to fall straight through the hole and land with a crash.

The three girls all ran over to the hole and glanced nervously down at Rainbow Dash’s unmoving body. “Uhh, you okay there Dash?” Sweetie Belle asked.

The older woman turned her head and spat out a tooth. “I’m fine, my face is actually like, really solid from all the times I’ve landed on it. I didn't even break my nose this time.”

“Uh okay then. Have fun learning calculus or whatever.” Scootaloo offered.

“I will. Then maybe I can minus the suck from my story!” Rainbow Dash announced before angrily stomping away.

The three girls shrugged. “You girls wanna get high?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Hell yeah!”

Author's Note

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