Life Is Only Real When You Are Near

Rainbow became interested in Derpy because of some callous remarks.

She needed Spike as an assistant for some Nightmare Mare pranks but she didn’t find him at the usual locales. She asked Rarity what Spike was up to and Rarity, frowning, sullen and withdrawn, said he liked to hang out at the post office these days where he waited for Gabby to arrive and joined her on her run.

And so Rainbow found herself at the post office around noon. Like she expected, Spike wasn’t present. Rainbow turned towards the reception desk, wanting to ask if Spike had left or had yet to appear, but frowned, sighed. A seven pony long queue stood before the single receptionist who happened to be Derpy Hooves.

The six ponies behind the first didn’t look quite pleased, scowling, eyes throwing daggers, blowing air loudly out, but the first one made them all look like saints. A large buff earth pony with a dark brown mane and tail and with forelegs the size of boulders and a hoof crashing mountains for a destiny mark shouted loudly and growled furiously at the receptionist, shivering, afraid.

“What do you mean you can’t accept my letter?” he asked, his voice booming.

Rainbow picked the earthy scent of cider and beer mixed with something pungent and sharp. Not good.

“We can’t accept letters without address or postmarks, sir,” Derpy said, smiling but her ears dropped, pressed against her head. Rainbow could see shivers of sweat on her forehead.

“What do you mean no bucking address?” The pony said. “It’s for my bucking friend in Phoenix City. What’s his name? Earwiggler or something.”

“But you have to write it on the envelope, sir,” Derpy tensely but steadily said. “And don’t forget to buy a stamp.”

“I already bought a BUCKIN’ stamp!” The pony shouted, staggering.

Acting on instinct Rainbow flew right to him then tapped him on the shoulder. She clenched her teeth while her cheeks turned into coals, scalding, red. How dare that drunk motherbucker shout at Derpy like that!

The brown pony swivelled right like an old creaking ship past its expiry date, threatening to overturn and submerge into the sea.

“Hey, bucko, how about you leave right now without me causing any pain to you,” Rainbow said, staring so fierce that her eyes seemed to cut through steel.

“Who the buck are you?”

“A concerned citizen,” Rainbow said, then looked at Derpy. “Her friend.”

“Well, how ‘bout you stay out of it. This bucking business is between me and your bucking friend who can’t even do her work bucking right.”

Rainbow observed how Derpy’s eyes went wide then watery and heard some cruel snickering interspersed with a rare surprised ahhh from behind.

She had enough.

Scowling, she flew into the air and pressed her right hoof against the drunken pony’s nose.

“Listen, pal, if you don’t apologize to her and leave the place right now, I’ll make sure you’ll regret your actions,” Rainbow, growling, said.

The drunken pony’s pupils shrivelled to pinpricks and his mouth opened into a snarl. He stretched his right hoof and was ready to strike but met Rainbow’s rainbow trail instead of his target, who was already standing to his left.

“Last warning,” Rainbow said.

“Buck you,” the pony responded and swayed left, stretching his right hoof. Rainbow once again dashed off, leaving a rainbow trail in her wake. The aggressive pony lost his stance and fell chin first on the floor. Thud.

Rainbow landed behind and, smiling, said, “You know, I have a direct line with Twilight, princess of friendship, the manager of the big hunk of rock over there, who conveniently started a bootcamp for unfriendly citizens this month, starring Maud as teacher. And you know what? You’re in it, bud.”

The drunken pony’s eyes widened and a sober expression took over his face.

Rainbow’s smile widened as she looked at the dawning realization of oblivion hitting the drunk.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Rainbow continued, “A whole month of lessons about friendship from Pinkie Pie’s awesome sister. By the end you’ll learn how to be nice and a lot about rocks.”

“You can’t do this!” The drunk, standing unsteady on his limbs, said.

A ribbon of rainbow flew out of the post office, clothes wavering and flapping from the sudden burst of wind, then returned back, sending swirling once again the hems of dresses, suits, and shorts.

“Done,” Rainbow said, eyes closed, head lifted high. “You can come in and take him to friendship camp.”

Two pegasi, coat of white and mane of blue, flew into the post office, landed on both sides of the drunken pony, staggering while standing.

They saw Rainbow. They nodded. They grabbed the hooligan by the forelegs and dragged him out of the post office into the blue vastness of the sky.

With her chin held high and chest pushed forward Rainbow waited till the queue, sullen and silent, eyes cast down, finished their business with Derpy Hooves and left her to finally put the sign “Lunch Break” on her desk. Derpy walked right, passed through the swinging doors that separated the work space from the customer hall, and stood in front of Rainbow.

“You didn’t have to do this,” Derpy quietly said.

“Why?” Rainbow asked, perplexed. “Nopony should be humiliated this way. Ever.”

“He’s just one of many. He’s gone, but others will come. Later today, tomorrow, and the day after that. I appreciate what you did, but it’s pointless. And it’s our security guard’s duty anyway. If I feel threatened I whistle and he comes and pushes the curmudgeon out.”

“But I didn’t push the guy out. I sent him to a friendship camp – a place worse than Tartarus, if you ask me.”

Derpy looked up at Rainbow with an inquisitive look. “How can I repay you?”

“No need. Just tell me if Spike’s been around or not.”

“He went with Gabby half an hour ago. They won’t be here soon.”

Rainbow sighed, shoulders drooped. “I guess it’s not my Nightmare Night this year.”

“Maybe I can help?”

Rainbow lowered her head and placed her right foreleg on her neck. “Well… Do not take it the wrong way, but you’re clumsy. You’ll spoil the tricks by hitting against something or dropping them out of hooves.”

Derpy smiled lightly. “No offence taken.”

Smiling and relieved, Rainbow turned around. “Okay, then. I’m off. See you later, Derp.”

When she looked ahead Rainbow saw the CMC standing precariously on each other’s shoulders, trying to reach an ornate envelope on the topmost shelf of the rotating letters and envelopes stand. Sweetie Belle stood on Aplebloom and Aplebloom stood on Scootaloo who stood, in turn, on her scooter going back and forth in jerky motions underneath her hindlegs.

Rainbow bristled and suspected the CMC tower would lose its balance any moment now and would come toppling, crashing, down. When Scoot’s scooter shifted left and Scootaloo tilted to the right, sending Sweetie Belle away and screaming from the upper shelf of the swiveling display that interested her so much, Rainbow understood it was time to move.

As Rainbow tensed all her legs, preparing for the squid-like propulsion jump, something flew by and sent her mane batting against her face. When Rainbow removed the green and violet and blue strands of her hair from her mouth and eyes she saw Derpy hovering midair, holding Sweetie in her hooves. Apple Bloom lay on top Scotaloo. The scooter, the source of this disaster, rolled towards the reception desk, lost its momentum and fell.

Gently Derpy put Sweetie on the floor then, smiling, landed on her fours.

Mouth and eyes wide open, Rainbow strolled to the gray-blonde mare.

“How did you do that?” she asked.

“Do what?” Derpy said.

“Welll...How do I put it mildly…You’re no the best flier around, not even a good flier, but right now you flew in a straight line without zigzagging and hitting the wall or missing the target,” Rainbow said.

Derpy shrugged. “I don’t know. It happens sometimes.”

As she looked into Derpy’s weird eyes, one looking down, the other up, Rainbow didn’t consider that as an adequate answer. The speed, the preciseness, the fluidness when catching Sweetie Belle betrayed sophistication and skill hiding within the nondescript mare that looked goofy, kinda silly, with her eyes. If Derpy really lacked training, then it meant she had amazing talent for flight. That notion, however, beckoned the question: why didn’t she develop it further?

“Thanks, Derpy?” Sweetie said. “If it weren’t for you I would’ve to explain to Rarity why I had new bruises and listen to her hour long lecture about protection and security.”

“It’s fine,” Derpy said, then took a post card from the upper shelf. “Is this one you were looking for?”

“Yes,” the three fillies said in unison.

Derpy smiled. “Come with me. I’ll break my lunch break for you. The next time don’t stand on scooters, ‘kay?”

“We needed height and didn’t have anything better than my scooter, so,” Scootaloo, blushing, her neck brushing, explained.

“You can ask me or my coworkers around. It’s our job to assist customers,” Derpy said.

She went behind the reception desk, put the lunch sign to the side and waited, her forelegs on the stand, for the CMC to drop their bits.

“See you later, Derpy,” Rainbow, smiling but perturbed, said.

“Later, Rainbow,” Derpy said in a happy tone.

Rainbow turned towards the exit, tensed her legs for the jump, and left the post-office with a powerful flap of her wings. She circled for a while around Ponyville kicking wayward clouds away – overcast weather was scheduled for the weekend – thinking about Derpy and her thing. At first she had thought Derpy was just stupid, then she softened and considered Derpy as somepony under the thumb of really bad luck. After long reflection and observation Rainbow perceived Derpy as a bad and clumsy flyer, mainly because of her sight, always askew and never straight.

Maybe she was wrong?