(Scrapped) Ogres & Omelettes

by Tirimsil

Rating: everyone
Tags: Snails, Spike, Pipsqueak, Random, Slice of Life, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3291

(Scrapped) At Twilight's suggestion, Spike tries to DM O&O for "friends his age".

This story has been sitting around for years and is unlikely to be finished! See Summersong Scrapped :: Tame for others in the same boat.

It's not that Spike doesn't like playing O&O with Big Mac and Discord; it's just that playing with the same two people every time gets old. Especially when you need four for O&O to be fun.

When Ponyville's favorite nosypony Twilight Sparkle eavesdrops her way into Spike's problem, she offers a very reasonable solution.

And Spike tries it, with not-so-reasonable results.

The game mechanics in this incarnation of Ogres & Oubliettes are largely invented. They are not derived from Friendship is Magic canon nor are they particularly based on Dungeons & Dragons. This story attempts to briefly explain each game mechanic as it is introduced to the characters' campaign.

Published 2024-03-21 23:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-03-21 23:20:00 UTC

Ch. 1 :: Clearing the Table

Author's Note

⚠️ Important!!! ⚠️
The game physics of this incarnation of Ogres & Oubliettes are largely invented. Other than the use of dice, they are not accurate to the game mechanics of Dungeons & Dragons! (The author simply did not have the time or patience to look up how it worked! It's very indepth!)

You will see cute little alerts with🎓 graduation caps when a game mechanic warrants some explanation.

Ch. 1 :: Clearing the Table

Thunder rolled and lightning struck as Discord, wearing long blue robes, a crown of antlers, and a necklace of bells, cackled madly in a world of dust and rain that fell up.

"Fools! Do you think you can stand against he who has power over life and death?! With a wink, I can turn your blood to ketchup! With a snap, I can turn your brain into an Etch-a-Sketch! My power is absolute! Aha! Ahahahahahaaaaa! Now come and join my armies of the corrupt and the defiled!!"

At his side, a small dragon in illustrious red-and-gold robes with gold spaulders shaped like angel wings looked over his laminated, waterproof papers, with half-lidded eyes. "Grogarus rolls Twilight for intimidation," Spike said in a monotone, sighing. "+2 for that speech. Roll 17 to succeed."

Discord looked down at him with a frown. "O.O.C: Is something wrong, Spike?" he asked suspiciously.

"No, it's fine," Spike mumbled. "It was a great villainous boast. You basically can't roll lower than 16 right now."

Discord's suspicious pout moved to the side of his face and then right off of it. He grabbed it out of the air and slapped it back onto his head. He then waved a paw. A 20-sided die levitated over to him. It bore the numbers 2~19, as well as two small images of Twilight Sparkle's face - one ashamed, one terrifyingly elated.

The die grew wings much like Twilight's and flew into a dice cup. "Books!" it cried in a high-pitched voice.

"Do you really need to cheat," Spike groaned, "You've got like a 1 in 5 chance of a 20."

"O.O.C: Cheat?!" Discord gasped, leaning back scandalized with one paw over his heart. "Why I never cheat at O&O. Do I ever cheat at O&O, Big Macintosh?"

"Eeeeee... nay, laddie," Big Macintosh said. He was covered in massive plate armor and had a huge orange beard. There was a hammer and an anvil strapped to his back.

"O.O.Seeee?! Big Macintosh, brother of Honest Applejack, says I don't cheat." Discord said in a matter-of-fact voice, hands on his hips. "I don't know why he said it in character when I was speaking out of character, but... so there. Now what is your problem, Spike? You're acting like you don't like this game anymore."

"It's not that," Spike said. "You guys just kinda... play the same characters every time."

"I... beg your pardon!" Discord scoffed. "When have I ever played a necromancer before!"

"You're always a nuke mage and Big Mac is always a warrior."

"No he's not!" Discord turned and gestured. "He's a blacksmith right now. Look at him. Aren't you a blacksmith, Big Mac?"

"Eeeee... och aye."

Spike rubbed his temples. "A blacksmith fights the same way a warrior does."

Discord sniffed haughtily, then snapped his fingers. They were all sitting around the Cutie Map again, out of costume. "Well! What are you trying to say. You're tired of us?!" Big Macintosh jumped, then looked at Spike with big puppy eyes and a trembly lip.

"N-no, no, that's not it!" Spike stammered. "I mean... Well... Maybe I just need a break. We do play this game all the time."

"Seven hours a session, four times a week is not 'all the time'!!" Discord objected. "Is that 'all the time', Big Macintosh?"

"Eeeeee... it kinda is," Big Macintosh countered and began to speak quite rapidly, "Applejack's madder 'n' a wet hen on 'count of I'm so far behind on m' chores." He started counting on his one hoof over and over. "I've got apple-buckin', rotten-old-fence-kickin', field-plowin', clothes-washin', alien-watchin', cow-milkin', carrot-pickin', 'n' aw heck she ain't half as mad as Sugar Belle --"

"Oh fine!" Discord made a big show of getting up and sashaying towards the closed door. "We will 'take a break', Spike. Big Macintosh, let's go! We are not wanted here. Hmmph!" He snapped his fingers again and they both disappeared.

Spike sighed sadly and started to clean up the game. On the other side of the closed door, Twilight Sparkle slowed her breathing, stopped panicking that Discord was about to catch her eavesdropping, and had many worried-snooping-sister-mom thoughts about Spike's obvious Friendship Problem.

"You were eavesdropping?!" Spike roared.

"Yes I was!" Twilight Sparkle admitted firmly. "Because some-dragon has been in a really bad mood all week and you wouldn't tell me what it was!"

Spike opened his mouth to yell more, then closed it and nodded his head. "That's fair." he said calmly. "I woulda done the same thing."

"And do you wanna know what else?" Twilight said, spreading out her wings and putting on her proud-of-herself face, standing as tall as she could. "I can solve your Friendship Problem!"

"I... don't think this is a Friendship Problem. Not with the capitalized letters, anyway," Spike objected. "I mean the Cutie Map didn't glow or anything --"

"Ahahaha, oh Spike, the Cutie Map wouldn't formally send me to my own house." Twilight laughed and patted his head. "That would be too silly even for my life. Nope! I'm already here, and we're gonna solve this problem together."

Spike sighed, defeated. "Okay, fine, what's your Friendship Solution." he mumbled reluctantly.

"I thought you'd never ask! You're gonna love it, it's so elegant and logical."

"Sure." he deadpanned.

"Okay, listen. Fact #1: You're getting tired of playing O&O with Macintosh and Discord. Fact #2: They're upset and won't want to play with you for a while anyway. Fact #3: You don't have any friends closer to your own age."

"Do you even remember what my age is?" he asked.

Twilight stopped with her mouth open and started counting on her feathers. "... Thirteen..? I got you when I was eleven I think, so... I swear I remember when your birthday is."

"I'd hope so. You've already bought calendars for the next ten years and marked everyone's birthday on all of them."

"Enough-about-my-weird-quirks-let's-talk-about-my-solution!" Twilight stamped her hooves. "I have here a list of good candidates for you to play your next session of O&O with." She summoned a parchment and let it drop open.

Spike cringed and leaned back.... but for once, Twilight's list was short. It didn't even touch the ground. Spike blinked at it, disbelieving.

Twilight blinked too, a big nervous smile on her face. "There are a finite number of residents in Ponyville, as opposed to the infinite capacity of my brain to give myself more arbitrary and often redundant work to do."

"Sounds legit."

"Anyway." Twilight cleared her throat delicately. "While I have studied the rules of Ogres & Oubliettes indepth - very indepth - I was unfortunately not able to decisively determine which of the four vital party roles each of these individuals was likely to play. You'll have to..." Her face twisted into a grimace. "Y-you'll have to guess, I'm afraid." She made a distasteful face and stuck her tongue out.

"... You're supposed to have a party of four?!" Spike wondered aloud.

"Spike, haven't you been playing this game for like... a year? You should know that the bare minimum viable party is 3 ponies: an attacker, a tank, and a healer. It helps a lot to have a fourth character for support skills. Those could be status effects, civil skills, trap detection, et cetera."

"Well no freaking wonder the game's stopped being fun!!" Spike pulled at his crest. "Macintosh and Discord can't fill all the party roles! They're always opening mimics, and walking into quicksand, and murdering entire towns I spent days writing stories for with a single mispronounced word. Every single encounter is a huge chore! Agh, we're so stupid!"

"Nope," Twilight shook her head. "Just stubborn as heck. Here," and she put the list into his paws, "Think it over. Don't rush. Oh, and one more thing, Spike?"

"What's that?" He said absently, looking down the list.

"Don't let them make just any insane character they want. There's gotta be party cohesion. You gotta put your cute little feet down sometime."

Spike was pretty bad at that when everyone he knew was either bigger, stronger, or louder than him.

Ch. 2 :: Setting the Stage

Spike hopped into his tall throne, feeling much better. He'd taken a couple days to rest and think it over.

Spike had gotten Rarity to make him a set of "real clothes" in imitation of the red-and-gold robes Discord outfitted him with in their Virtual O&O games. As neat as Discord's augmentation was, Spike was actually a bit grateful to be able to sit down and relax for the entirety of this game... but he still wanted to look boss while he was at it.

He'd carefully chosen four "friends his own age". After he convinced them to give it a shot - only one had played before - he'd taught them the rules of creating a character, given them the necessary documentation, and given them a few days to put their characters together. He reminded them to make two copies: one for themselves, one for him.

They were all here now, seated around the Cutie Map. Three of them were nervously waiting for him to approve their characters (or amend them) and start the game. The fourth was staring off into space.

He quietly, primly set up his screen as his players (other than the space-starer) fidgeted. Some O&Oholics thought that the screen was "dishonest", but then why trust the person behind it to DM? The point was to have fun, not to accurately read scripts and call out dice rolls. The DM was always "lying" by virtue of fabricating a fantasy adventure... and having to fabricate an entire new one when the players inevitably screwed up the one he'd been setting up for the last hour. It was more important to be fair and to be witty than to be "honest".

This particular screen had a quick map of the campaign he'd chosen, and some miscellaneous info he might need to keep in mind.

Twilight had helped him pick out a "stealth roller", a little padded box he kept his own set of dice in. He could thus roll silently if he was sneaky enough... or intentionally roll onto the table without explaining what he was rolling for, to make his players anxious, if he liked.

"Good morning, everypony," he smiled to his companions. "Are you all finished with your characters?"

"Yes, OobMaster," came the droning response.

"You're sure you've chosen all the Talents you want?"

🎓 Talent 🎓
Every character has five Core Talents: these are usually combat-relevant.
Every character also has two Extra Talents: these are more civic or recreational.
Using Core Talents and Cross Talents increases their Mastery up to 100%.
Every character must also choose one Flaw (which is functionally like a Talent.) For every two Flaws a character chooses beyond the mandatory one, they may add another Extra Talent or one extra item from the Starting Items List (see appendix C, Ch. 2.)

"Yes, OobMaster," came the response.

"Cool!! Slide those characters over to me real quick, if you would!"

Bommjack th Unbrekabul
Feemale Earth Ponee
STR ◆◆◆◆◆   INT ◆◇◇◇◇   DEX ◆◆◆◇◇

Core Talents
Brawlin  Chain Mastery  Fortitood  ★ Trappin  Melody :: Geetar

Eextra Talents
Anglin  Bakin  Cookin  Mercantile

Flaws
Phobya :: Alierns  Phobya :: Goasts  Phobya :: Watur  Bad Swimmur  Cant Lie None

Items
Travalur's Dustur  Despurado's Toppur  Lassow

Languages
Common

Backstory

Bommjack th Unbrekubul gru up on a bomm farm. Th trees gru bomms. She becam verry strong from bein blowed up lots. Bommjack iz always helping ponees who needs them sum help. She is relly honesst.

Lady Nightsong
Female Deer

Stats
STR ◆◆◇◇◇   INT ◆◆◆◆◇   DEX ◆◆◆◇◇

Core Talents
Fan Dancing  Lunamancy  ★ Melody :: Vocal  Remedy  Clairvoyance

Extra Talents
Etiquette  First Aid  Vampirism

Flaws
Naive  Allergic :: Dust  Pampered

Languages
Common  Deerish

Starting Items
Courtesan's Fans  Fine Robes  Terran Parasol

Backstory

A beautiful doe, and the daughter of a tribal chief, Lady Nightsong was captured by Diamond Dogs and rescued by the party. Also she is a vampire.

Starbolt Shine
Male Unicorn

Stats
STR ◆◆◆◇◇   INT ◆◆◆◆◆   DEX ◆◇◇◇◇

Core Talents
Staff Fighting  ★ Astromancy  Golemancy  Pyromania  Summoning

Extra Talents
Alchemy  Herbalism  Imbuement

Flaws
Refined Palate  Bad Back  Bad Manners

Languages
Common  Draconic

Starting Items
Shepherd's Crook  Blue Robes

Backstory

Once an esteemed wizard who served as advisor to the Princesses, Starbolt Shine's horrible personality led him to be dismissed. He now wanders the lands searching for some great quest to regain his prestige - or a terrible artifact to take respect by force.

Gyver
Male Griffon

Stats
STR ◆◆◇◇◇  INT ◆◆◇◇◇  DEX ◆◆◆◆◆

Core Talents
Swashbuckling  Gymnastics  Larceny  Stealth  Tracking

Extra Talents
First Aid  Herbalism

Flaws
Phobia :: Mice & Rats  Telling Accent  Bad Reputation

Languages
Common  Prench

Starting Items
Iron Cutlass  Crude Buckler  Rogue's Vestment  Lockpick x 10  Smoke Bomb x 3

Backstory

Do not ask; Gyver will not tell. But for the right price, or for the sake of a beautiful lady, Gyver will not ask questions, either...

Spike looked up at the three nervously grinning (and one contentedly smiling) foals around him. Apple Bloom was leaning on the table facing him, head on hooves, a saucy look on her face. As soon as their eyes met she started, jumped up with a blush, and looked away.

"Apple Bloom," he began as though nothing happened, "Is your character basically just Applejack?"

"I knew it!" Sweetie Belle suddenly squeaked, causing Spike to wince. "Remember why Scootaloo didn't want to play?!"

Apple Bloom smacked her hooves on the Cutie Map. "Y'all tole me I could be 'anythin' feasible'! I wanna be Applejack! She's feasible enough on 'count she really exists! Except that she's Bombjack, which is why her Special Talent's Trappin', 'cause that's the bomb Talent."

🎓 Special Talent 🎓

One Core Talent must be chosen as the Special Talent.
The Special Talent maxes out at 120% Mastery instead of 100%.
Some Powers may only be available when the Power's Talent is the Special Talent.

Apple Bloom crossed her forelegs and pouted. "And since Sweetie Belle's just gonnna be Rarity anyhow --"

"I am not!"

"Girls!" Spike pouted, and they quieted down at once, sitting bashfully in Applejack's and Rarity's seats. "Sweetie Belle's character is not Rarity. Not unless Rarity became a doe with healing powers when I wasn't looking."

"Rarity only knows how to hurt ponies," Sweetie Belle grumbled.

"Apple Bloom has a good point that her character isn't outside the limitations of a real pony we actually know, on account of basically being that pony. So, I guess I can let it slide... But I'd like you to either fix the spelling or add the Illiterate Flaw after today's session."

"What!" Apple Bloom complained. "Just 'cause I can't spell thangs don't mean I can't read!"

"I hope you can read the warning labels on those bombs," Spike added, "... however the heck those are going to help with your highly defensive character build."

"Well ya can't hardly bother 'er if ya step on a bomb comin' over."

"Unless you fly," Spike said, flexing his wings.

Apple Bloom batted her lashes, touching her chin to her shoulder coyly. "Try flyin' over ta me 'n' smackin' me one, Spike. See what Bombjack does. ♥"

Spike blinked at her with a confused look before continuing. "Now, Sweetie Belle," Spike moved on, "Are you aware that Lady Nightsong has a Cross Talent?"

🎓 Cross Talent 🎓

An additional Talent formed by the use of two Talents together, synergistically, or in tandem.
The Mastery of a Cross Talent is the average of the Mastery of its constituent Talents, and cannot exceed 100%.

"Uh-huh!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. "Melody plus Remedy! Lady Nightsong can heal with her singing! ♥"

"Wut!!" Apple Bloom objected. "I didn't know 'bout no dang Cross Talents! Aw heck."

"Oho, the fiery senorita would do well to do research next time, yes?" came the low, sultry Spanish from the normally-very-differently-accented Pipsqueak. The girls turned to look at him with wide eyes as he continued. "Ah, but innocence is beautiful. Do not worry; should some unsavory bandito take advantage of your naivete, Gyver shall save you."

"Pipsqueak's guy is more handsome than mine," Snails honked with a pout. "'n' I thought griffons had Prench accents..."

Spike smiled. This was getting good already. "Apple Blo - uh, I mean, Bombjack, don't worry. Cross Talents aren't superpowers. They usually have drawbacks or are very situational."

"I don't see no drawbacks to havin' more stuff," Bloom grumbled.

"Lady Nightsong can strain her voice if she sings for too long," Sweetie explained, her nose up and eyes closed primly. "And the strain is worse if it's a magical song. This can interfere with her social talents or stop her from using some kinds of magic. She won't even be able to call out if she's surprised by an assassin! I have to be very careful with it!"

"The voice of a lady is a precious and delicate thing," Pipsqueak crooned.

"Shoot," Apple Bloom said, holding her head, "No wonder Scoots weren't interested. This game's real complercated."

"Hey, my guy's a wizard," Snails pointed out. "Your guy is really simple."

"Wuss that s'posed ta mean?!" she yelled.

"It means, Bombjack," Sweetie Belle admonished, "That you have a great character for fighting and you're gonna be my main bodyguard!"

"Jes' stand behind me, Lady Nightsong," Apple Bloom retorted, "And don' step on m' bombs." Sweetie Belle scowled.

"So, Snails," Spike addressed the relaxed one, "I'm kind of surprised with this character you've got!"

"Why?" Snails frowned, tilting his head. "I tried ta get a balance of skills..."

"And you did!" Spike praised. "Astromancy is one of the highest-damage Talents in the game. But it eats up AP, so you've got Pyromancy for general use or for wiping out weak groups. You have Golemancy and Summoning for protection and utility, and Staff Fighting for when none of the above are available."

🎓 Action Points 🎓
(AP)

Standard resource consumed when performing Talent Actions such as attacks or magic spells.

Snails nodded rapidly. "An' I know Draconic!! I'll unlock the seeecret poooweeers."

Spike blinked. "Dude, teach me. I could do with some secret dragon powers."

"Ya already got teleportin' fire breath 'n' wings, Spike, what more do ya need," Apple Bloom drawled.

"A captive maiden," Spike said with a wink. Apple Bloom paled, then shut her mouth with a blush and a grimace, clicking her hooves together.

Sweetie Belle giggled. "Didn't you already capture Rarity once?"

"She's an adult! Adults aren't maidens... Are they?" Spike wondered.

"I dunno," Snails said, "But you shouldn't abduct a filly just 'cause she's purdy. Ya gotta ask her hoof first."

"Indeed!" Pipsqueak announced, causing everyone at the table to jump. "The thrill of the capture is in the chase. To win a lady's heart by her own rules... That is the true conquest of love."