How to Love Ponies

by Frizzy

Rating: mature
Tags: Lyra, Romance, Anon, Porn, Second Person, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 9400

Anon finds out he can never go home, which means he can now focus on his love life with horses.

After two years in a world of magical ponies, you finally receive the dreaded confirmation that you're stuck here, forever. Your best pony friends, Lyra and Bon Bon, see this as the perfect opportunity to move past your old taboos about dating equines and enter the dating game. But, do they have bigger plans for you?

In case it wasn't obvious, contains a MFF human/pony/pony relationship, but also hornplay and gentle femdom.

I started working on this months ago, so it definitely does not line up with current canon.

UPDATE: Featured 11/04/2019. Thank you all so much.

Published 2019-11-04 04:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-09 10:25:09 UTC

Chapter 1

You slammed back another shot of whiskey. "Keep 'em coming, Berry," you say to the barmare. "And a pint of Shetland stout," you add, watching her pour drinks number four and five. You quickly suck down the next shot, before grabbing the beer and taking a hungry sip to wash down the burn of the whiskey.

The door to the bar swung open to reveal a relieved Lyra Heartstrings and her girlfriend, Bon Bon. "There you are!" the little, green unicorn exclaimed, scampering over to the available bar stool next to you, with Bon Bon following close behind, albeit at a more polite pace. "We were so worried! When the Princess said you wouldn't be coming back to work for the rest of the day we assumed the worst! And then, we couldn't find you at Twilight's castle, so we looked all over Ponyville for you!"

"Lyra, calm down," Bon Bon said, pushing a shot of tequila in front of her lover and a glass of water to you. "He's probably having a rough day. So, want to talk about what happened?"

You sighed, taking a sip of water. "It's hopeless," you muttered. "The team of scientists and magicians she had working on my case said that the unpredictability of Everfree magic makes it hard to pinpoint just how I ended up here and even more difficult to track the exact universe I am from. Apparently, even the most insignificant of details, like slight differences in temperature, one different word in a book, or even what some random person ate for breakfast could mean that I end up in a world that is geographically the same, but with insane differences in culture. Not that they can even glimpse the alternate realities. In other words, they can't figure out how to send me to a different world and even if they could the risk would be too great."

"You poor baby," Lyra whimpered, wrapping you in a warm hug, while Bon Bon rubbed your shoulder comfortingly.

It had been two years since you had popped into the sky above the Everfree Forest, falling through the branches before landing in the soft mud. You had wandered for a full day before being found by a platoon of guards patrolling the outskirts of the Everfree. They had taken you to the nearby town of Ponyville. There, you had met Princess Twilight Sparkle, who then introduced you to the rest of the Princesses of Equestria, and work to figure out a way to send you back home had commenced.

It had been rough, at first. Apart from the princesses and those who were close to them, most ponies did their best to avoid you, and when contact was unavoidable, many seemed to be afraid of this strange, new creature. Twilight would later tell you this wasn't the first time the town had reacted this way to someone, recalling the time when they first encountered a zebra named Zecora, who would eventually become one of your good friends. But all that changed when you met the two mares currently listening to your woes.

Lyra had pretty much become your best friend, immediately. She's the one who convinced her marefriend, Bon Bon, to give you a job working at her candy store, due mostly to her obsession with you being an unknown species. From then on, you had lived a somewhat normal life, apart from being the only of a species who would frequently spend time with the royal family.

"So what do you plan to do, now?" the unicorn asked.

"Now," you said, setting the water down and returning to your beer. "I get shitfaced drunk and forget everything that has happened, today."

"Oh no, you aren't!" Bon Bon scolded, like she was your mother. She quickly swiped the pint from your hands and poured it into a nearby potted plant. "Alcohol is not going to solve your problems! You need to deal with your feelings in a safe, healthy manner."

You snorted. "What, like therapy?"

"Yes," Bon Bon said. "As your boss, I am ordering you to take a week's paid vacation and see a therapist."

"And what if I don't want to and just show up to work tomorrow morning?" You retorted.

"I won't let you work," the cream colored mare smirked. "Do this, or you're fired."

You laughed. "We both know you won't fucking fire me, candy butt! I'm a minor celebrity! I bring you far too much business."

"Try me."

"Woah! Easy there, you two!" Lyra interrupted. "Let's not say things we don't mean."

"You're right, you're right," you sigh. "So, you really think I should see a therapist?"

"Yes!" both ponies exclaimed.

"Besides," Lyra said. "Maybe you could also spend this week trying to get yourself a nice mare like me and Bonnie have been telling you to. It's not like you can use the excuse of not staying here, anymore."

You grimace. "I don't know about all that."

"It doesn't have to be a filly," the mint mare continued. "You can always find yourself a handsome stallion. Or, if you insist that you don't like stallions, there's always griffons, dragons, zebras, diamond dogs, hippogryphs, yaks, minotaurs, oh, and changelings can be whatever you want, so you can try all of the flavors of Eques-"

"I get the point, Lyra," you interrupted. "I just... I just don't know if I can get past the whole species difference, especially since you're all so similar to animals where I'm from."

"That's the kinky part," Lyra giggled. "Don't tell me you never got a flash of what was under some creature's tail and thought 'man, I wonder what that feels like?', and then thought about it later when you were alone?"

"Lyra, that's absolutely disgusting," Bon Bon said, thumping the unicorn on the back of the head. "Can we go somewhere without you saying or doing something embarrassing, just once?"

"Ow! Jeez, I was just kidding!"

The more sensible of the two mares shook her head, sighing. "Anyway, maybe that's something you can discuss with the doctor," Bon Bon said. She reached for a napkin and quickly wrote something on it. "This is who I would recommend to see. She's great, and even helped me through some rough patches I had with my family."

You take the napkin and look at the name and address of who this "amazing" therapist was.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."

Chapter 2

Based on your past interactions with Tree Hugger, you had expected a therapy session with the mare to involve a bong and some cheese puffs. But, you were pleasantly surprised to be sitting in a rather normal looking therapist's office. Instead of bean bag chairs and blacklight posters, there was a comfortable chaise lounge that you were currently laying on, while Tree Hugger sat in a rather professional looking armchair. The stereo wasn't playing some Prog Rock band warbling about aliens and rainbows made of candy, but a soft piano and harp gently filled the silence, while a miniature waterfall provided a serene, natural background noise. A plate of small cookies sat on the coffee table where you had expected potato chips. Hell, even the subtle aroma of refer that usually enveloped the mare was absent. All things considered, you had expected this to be Miss Harshwhinny's office, not the local stoner's.

"So, I heard Princess Celestia paid you a visit, yesterday. You wanna talk about that?" The redhead asked in a monotone, relaxed voice.

"Well, as I'm sure you know, I'm from a completely different world," you said. Tree Hugger nodded, reaching for a notepad and a pencil. "Well, she had a group of scientists researching ways to send me back, and, well, after two years they have decided that it would be nearly impossible to safely deliver me home, assuming that they could find the right universe from an infinite number."

"You must be upset by this recent revelation," she replied, scribbling down a few notes.

"No fucking shit, I'm upset!" You snapped, before thinking. "Sorry. I haven't exactly been taking it well. As soon as I heard the news, I went to the bar and tried to drown myself in whiskey and beer."

"Substance abuse is not a healthy way to deal with stress," she said, scratching another note. "I know that I have a bit of a reputation for my herbal habits, but even I know when it isn't a good time to use it," she said. "Why don't you tell me about some of the other activities you do in your spare time?"

You thought about it for a second. "Well, I visit Twilight at least once a week to borrow a book. She's had me reading some of the classics that I would have read in school, if I had grown up here, and teaching me about the historical events behind them. Every couple of months, Princess Celestia pays for me to go on a trip to explore the different cultures this world has to offer. Every so often I meet up with Big Mac and Caramel to have a few drinks and play cards. Oh, and hang out with Lyra and Bon Bon all the time, doing whatever comes to mind."

"How's your sex life?" Hugger asks, displaying no emotion other than professional interest.

"My what?" You exclaim, nearly falling off the couch.

"Your sex life," she repeats, taking a note of your reaction. "During sexual activity, your brain releases dopamine, which gives you a euphoric feeling, and decreases stress level. Would you say you are getting sexual satisfaction on a regular basis?"

"Well, no, not really. I mean, back home I used have sex at a fairly average rate, and I'd masturbate at least once a day, but I haven't done either of those in a long time."

"Is there any particular reason for that?" the calm mare inquired.

"Well, there's no humans here, so sex is definitely out of the question. Sorry, but you ponies are way too similar to animals from back home. And all of your porn is of ponies or something else that isn't human."

"I see," Tree Hugger says, jotting down another note before setting the pencil and paper aside. "What I would recommend you do when you leave, is stop by Ponyville's adult store and pick up some pornography. Get something similar to what you would look at before coming here and try to see ponies as sexual creatures. See me, again, in a week we can discuss whether or not that is helpful to your mental well being."

"If you say so..."

...

A porn shop was not a place you wanted to be seen, and being a one of a kind ape that stood twice as tall as the average pony only made that more difficult. To make things worse, you had thought you saw Cheerilee while you were in there, but she seemed like she was also trying to avoid eye contact with anypony. You had picked up a few magazines that were as close to what you used to spank it to as you could find, and gotten the hell out of there as quickly as you could. You were now carrying a discrete, brown bag full of MILFs, lesbians, and students who would do anything to change that F into an A (even if it meant getting F'd in the A).

You were just approaching the door to Twilight's castle (which, due to recent events, you were now making plans to move out of), and thought you had made it home, safely, without anypony stopping you and asking "what's in the bag?".

"Surprise!" Shit. You had opened the front door to discover the Elements of Harmony, Spike, Starlight Glimmer, Trixie, Big Mac, Caramel, Discord, Lyra, and Bon Bon. Oh, fuck, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were also here! And you had a stack of dirty magazines with you! You were holding porn and standing ten feet away from a trio of adorable, innocent, and impressionable kids.

Just act natural.

"Aw, thanks, guys!" You said, trying to give a genuine smile, and not act like you were carrying anything suspicious. "What's the occasion?"

"Well, we heard about what happened," Applejack said.

"And we thought a "Sorry-You're-Staying-Here-Forever-And-Never-Seeing-Another-Human-Thingie-Ever-Again" party would help make you feel better!" Pinkie Pie shouted.

"Aw, you shouldn't have," you said, sweating bullets. "I'm just going to run this up to my room, real quick, and be right back down."

"Whatcha got there, anyway, Anon?" Rainbow Dash asked, swooping down to try and peak into the bag.

"Oh, just some reading material the therapist recommended."

"Really!?" Twilight's eyes lit up. "Oh, what did they recommend? I'm sure I have some other resources in my library that would be supplementary to what they assigned!"

I really don't want to know what kind of porn you're into, Twilight, you thought. "I-it's nothing. It's actually kind of embarrassing."

"Oh, there's nothing to be ashamed of," Twilight continued, using her magic to try and pull the bag from your tight grip. "There's nothing wrong with trying to improve your mental health."

"Really, I'd much rather not think about this stuff, right now," you protested, trying to keep the magazines firmly in your grasp.

"Come on," Twilight whined. "We just want to help- WOAH!" she said, tugging slightly too hard and losing focus. The bag flew from your hands, spilling its contents all over the floor. Perverted ponies in provocative poses scattered across the floor for all of your friends to see. Everyone stared at them, eyes wide open, jaws hanging in surprise. You wouldn't be surprised if half of them weren't interested in talking to you, ever again.

"We... we'll just let you take those upstairs and forget we ever saw that you're into... that stuff..." Starlight said. A chorus of agreement followed.

You breathed a sigh of relief as you bent down to collect your smut. You quickly scampered up the stairs to stash these somewhere Spike would never find them.

"Hey, Rarity, mom was on the cover of one of those magazines!"

Chapter 3

"You guys sure it's all right?" You ask, setting down the last box in your new room.

"If it wasn't, we wouldn't have offered," Bon Bon said from the doorway. "We had an extra room and didn't know what to do with it-"

"That's not true," Lyra interrupted. "I totally had a plan for it."

"For the last time," Bon Bon grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose. "We are not filling this room with hamster wheels and using rodents to generate power to the rest of our home. Do you have any idea how bad that would smell? Not to mention, Fluttershy would never supply us with a large amount of hamsters if she knew we were going to use them as slaves." She sighed before continuing. "As I was saying, we had an extra room, and we figured that, since you were finally going to stop freeloading off the princess, we might as well let you stay with us. Besides, it'll make rent just a bit cheaper."

"Well, I really appreciate it," you said, sitting down on your bed. "I guess now I can finally start calling Equestria my home."

"Speaking of which," Lyra said, levitating over a large box. "A few days ago, we were going through some of our old stuff, deciding what to get rid of, and we figured that you might have some use for them. Consider them house warming gifts."

"So, you're giving me some of your old junk?" You ask, laughing.

"We prefer to call them 'lost treasures', Bon Bon chuckled, climbing up onto the bed next to you. She looked at you, expectantly.

"What?" you asked.

"Well, since you're starting to come around to the idea of fully integrating into pony society, and your therapist is helping you develop an attraction to ponies, we were maybe wondering if you had given some thought to getting into the dating scene?" she asked, trying her best to look innocent.

You thought about it. Tree Hugger's "treatment" was actually helping you, a bit. You really were starting to realize that the ponies of this world looked nothing like the ones you had spent most of your life sharing a planet with, and these ones really did have some attractive qualities to them. Sure, looking at pictures of pony cooch was still a bit weird, but you were making some progress.

"Well... I guess it couldn't hurt to go on at least one date..." you said.

"Great!" Lyra exclaimed, bouncing up and down. "Because, we kind of organized this thing over at Sugarcube Corner, and it starts in an hour, so go get showered so we can head over there."

"What?"

...

"Lyra, what the hell is this?" You asked, upon arriving at the bakery. There was a small booth reserved for you in a darkened corner of the room, lit only by candles. But that wasn't the concerning part. What was cornering was the massive line of ponies waiting by it, many of whom were holding boxes of candy, bouquets of flowers, and a bold few had the audacity to be holding rolls of condoms in their teeth while giving you bedroom eyes.

"Well, you are quite the popular stallion," the mint unicorn replied, trying not to look like she had gone overboard. "So, I informed everypony who I knew was curious as to what you hide in your pants."

"Yay! You're finally here!" Pinkie Pie cheered, leaping over the counter. "Are you ready to meet the love of your life?"

"God dammit," you muttered. "Are you also going to try to woo me, Pinkie?"

"What? No!" she said, giving you a playful shove. "You may be by Number One Bestest Human Friend, but that's all you'll ever be to me (though, I wouldn't say no to adding a few more benefits to that), but that's not what tonight's about. Tonight, you are going to try speed dating, and the Cakes only said I could host it, here, if I capitalized on it!" She pointed to a massive mountain of cupcakes perched on top of the counter. A sign hanging from the ceiling read "TONIGHT'S SPECIAL: WHISKEY AND CHOCOLATE REJECTION CUPCAKES! 5 BITS EACH."

"Whatever," you sighed. "Let's just get this started.

...

Fluttershy was up first. She didn't say anything as she sat down across from you and attempted to hide behind her mane.

"So, uh, Fluttershy..." you begin, awkwardly. "How are you doing this evening?"

She mumbled something from behind the cascade of pink.

"That's, uh, good to hear?" You replied, unsure of how to respond. "So, I'm guessing you're interested in me?"

More mumbling.

"So, uh, what kind of things do you like to do, besides taking care of animals?"

She was silent for a moment. Then, the mass of pink and yellow began to tremble.

"I can't do this!" she yelled, before bolting out the door.

"Wow! That's the loudest I've ever heard her speak, before!" Lyra, remarked, watching Fluttershy take off down the street.

"I'm going to make sure she's okay," Bon Bon said, rushing after the timid pegasus.

...

Miss Harshwinny shook your hand before sharply taking her seat across from you. She was wearing a nicer blazer than usual as well as a tie. She pushed a piece of paper towards you.

"What's this?" you asked, looking over it. Names of various stallions, mares, and the occasional griffon were listed, as well as dates and contact information.

"That is a comprehensive list of my dating history," Harshwhinny replied in a professional tone.

"So, a resume?" you replied, raising an eyebrow.

"I suppose you could call it that," the blonde mare replied.

Was... was she treating this like a job interview? The mare always did everything with the most professional of attitudes, but this seemed a little extreme.

"I'm sorry, Miss Harshwhinny, but I don't think, you're a right fit for... this."

"Very well," she said, rising from her seat. "Thank you for this opportunity." She shook your hand one last time, before tucking her dating resume back into her saddlebags and walking away.

"What the fuck just happened?" You, Lyra, and Bon Bon asked in unison.

...

Caramel sat down across from you. "H-hey, hot stuff," he said, trying and failing to sound like a sexy douchebag.

You took a deep breath. This was about to get awkward.

"Caramel," you said, establishing a firm eye contact with him. "I like you and all, but I'm not gay.

"Oh..." he said, dejectedly, looking down at the floor. He slowly got up and left.

You turned to Lyra. "Please, go through the line and tell any guys waiting their turn that I'm not interested."

"Yeah, I probably should have known better," she said, trotting over to the crowd.

...

Rainbow Dash swooped down into the seat across from you, coolly laying a foreleg over the back of the booth. "Sup," she greeted, giving you a casual bro-nod.

"Hey, Dash," you said, smiling at the coolest dude in Ponyville. "Didn't think you'd come out to something as lame as speed dating."

"Pfft," Rainbow dismissed with a wave of her hoof. "I'm not here for that."

"You're not?" You asked. "Then, why did you wait in line and take a turn?"

"I'm just gonna cut to the chase," she replied, sitting up a little straighter. "You are one of the hottest, most desirable stallions in Equestria. I am one of the sexiest, awesomest, most desirable mares in Equestria. But, we're both too busy and cool to be tied down with something like a serious relationship. So, what's say you and I go have a quickie in the bathroom, then arrange another time to do this, again?"

"I..." you pause, unsure of what to make of this. Should you take her up on the offer? What if one of you catches feelings? Would things go further? Would it hurt your friendship? Was this worth the risk? "I'm sorry, Dash," you said, making up your mind. "But that really isn't what I'm looking for."

"Oh," she replied, dejectedly. She stood up and started walking away, before turning back around. "Just so you know," she continued. "In case you change your mind, you know where to find me," she replied with a smirk and a shake of her rump. And with a burst of color, she dashed out the door.

...

Luna, Princess of the Night, sat before you. While you had spent time with her many times before, sharing meals, going for walks, and playing various games with her, you had never thought she was interested in you, romantically. To be honest, the idea was very intimidating. Were you even allowed to reject her, if you didn't think it would work out between you two? What would she do if you did? Oh God, what would Celestia do if you broke her sweet, sensitive, baby sister's heart?

"So, Princess..."

"Please," she said, leaning closer. "Call me Luna. Though, I wouldn't mind being called 'Your Royal Sexiness' when we're alone, later tonight," she said, with a seductive chuckle. You could feel one of her back hooves rubbing up and down your leg, slowly and not-so subtly making it's way up to somewhere that would cause a media shitshow if word leaked to the press.

"So, Luna, why do you think we should date?"

"Because," she said, ceasing her teasing and sitting up to her full height. "I called dibs," she responded, proudly placing a regal hoof upon her chest.

"Um, don't take this the wrong way, but I kind of don't think I could handle the pressure of dating royalty," you said.

"What!?" she exclaimed, reeling back as if you had struck her and called her mother a dirty slut.

"Don't take this as a a definitive no," you continued, trying to do as much damage control as possible. "I mean, if I wasn't still trying to work out some personal issues, and had more time to think about this, I might take you up on your offer, but as of right now, I think it would be best if we stayed friends.

"I can't believe this!" the princess screamed, tears forming in her eyes. With a flap of her wings she flew out the door, taking the tower of booze-filled cupcakes with her, leaving behind a few dark feathers and a large satchel of money.

"Mrs. Cake, we're going to need more whiskey cupcakes!" Pinkie called into the kitchen.

...

Thirty-seven. Lyra and Bon Bon had organized dating interviews with thrity-seven ponies, all of whom wanted a piece of that hot, human ass. Quite a few of them had suggested a quickie in the bathroom after you had rejected them, but you declined. For cute ponies in a friendship based society, a lot of them were absolute horndogs.

You collapsed onto your bed. Between moving into a new place and meeting dozens of horny horses, you were exhausted. You noticed the box of hand-me-downs your new roommates had gifted you from the corner of your eye. Now was as good of a time as any to take a look at your new possessions before going to bed.

Lifting one of the cardboard flaps, you began pulling out mystery knick knacks. First was a book on the Great Griffon-Unicorn Foodfight. Then, an Octavia Melody single on vinyl. A framed photo of Lyra that she had autographed. And a battered, dog-eared copy of "Bi-Curious Fillies Monthly". Used porn? Gross. This was definitely Lyra's old spank material, as Bon Bon was too mature to think a ten year old dirty magazine was an appropriate gift. Well, at least it wasn't sticky.

You stared at the cover. A red pegasus playfully winked back at you while a panty-clad earth pony's face was buried in her crotch, preserving some modesty to the cover. Something stirred in your jeans. What the hell? Might as well rub one out real quick. You unzipped and opened to a random page. Before you even looked at whatever gross act was printed, something fell out of the periodical. You reached over and picked it up.

In your hand was a stack of photographs. The one on top showed Lyra and Bon Bon looking seductively at the camera, faces pressed together, with Lyra's horn glowing, obviously operating the camera with her magic.

What are you doing, man? You ask yourself. They clearly didn't mean to give you these. They are your friends and doing this is wrong.

You flipped to the next picture. Same as before, except zoomed out. Lyra was wearing a pair of aqua blue and white striped panties with a matching set of socks, while Bon Bon was wearing the same thing, except in pink. The next picture showed the two of them locked in a sloppy kiss.

You grasp your throbbing cock as you move on to the next photo. Lyra was using one of her front hooves to rub her marefriend's crotch. The earth pony had her eyes shut tight, her mouth open, letting out a moan lost to time.

The next picture switched to Bon Bon's point of view, the mare clearly lying on her back. Lyra was smirking up at the camera, the fur on her face matted with fluids, while her horn glowed, playing with the pink clit below her nose.

You rub faster, enraptured by the images you knew you weren't supposed to have, the guilt making it so much hotter. What would they think if they knew what you were doing? Would they kick you out? What would Twilight say when you came crawling back to her castle?

You flip over to the next picture. Lyra was operating the camera again. She was standing on all fours, smiling, while Bonnie mounted her from behind. Black straps contrasted with her cream coat, supporting a fake phallus that was hidden from view. The next photo depicted Lyra taking it, a pleasured wince painted across her face.

You beat your meat with reckless abandon. All thoughts about how this is wrong were pushed to the back of your mind as you ignored your conscience. For the first time since you got here you weren't thinking about the social taboos you had brought with you from the human world. You had never been more aroused on your life!

The next few pictures were more of the same, with Lyra getting fucked from behind by Bon Bon, both in pure bliss. Finally, the scene changed, with Bon Bon having pulled out of the mint unicorn, proudly displaying the large, dripping wet dong while Lyra's eyes rolled into the back of her head in orgasmic ecstasy. How the fuck had she fit that things inside of her?

You flipped to the final photo. The two mares were locked into an intense kiss around the sex toy, tasting the unicorn's love nectar.

"FUCK!" you shouted as you reached your climax. Your vision went white as you collapsed backwards. You felt light headed as you sprayed your seed across the room, making a mess with your shame. Your whole body twitched and spasmed for a full minute in agonizing ecstasy while your cock pumped its load, ruining your once clean shirt.

Finally, everything died down, and you lay in a disgusting mess of your own cum and shame. You basked in the silence of the greatest fap you had ever had in your life, and in your post-orgasmic haze you realized something:

You were a shitty fucking friend.

BONUS: Speed Dating Extended Edition

Chapter 4

You sat uncomfortably on the couch, trying to focus on your book. You didn't know which one you had grabbed off the shelf or what it was about. Your eyes scanned every word of every line, not quite taking anything in, before you flipped to the next page and repeated the process. Right now, you were trying to distract yourself from the memories of the shameful thing you did last night. It didn't help that Lyra was seated next to you playing her harp, while Bon Bon was five feet away, dusting a shelf.

"So, what did you want to do for lunch, Anon?" Lyra asked.

"Gah!" you screamed, throwing your book up into the air, accidentally hitting Bon Bon in the back of the head.

"Ow!" the cream colored mare moaned, rubbing the spot where the tome had made contact with her skull.

"Sorry, Bon Bon," you said, not meeting her angry gaze. "I guess I'm a little on edge, today."

"I'll say," the earth pony whined, joining the two of you on the couch. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Not really," you muttered, trying to avoid looking at either of them. For some reason, they both felt uncomfortably close, as if they were leaning into you, intentionally violating your personal space.

"Come on!" Lyra said. "Wouldn't it be better if you talked about it?"

"It's sort of a guy problem," you muttered, staring at your feet.

"Guy problem?" Bon Bon inquired, dismissively. "We like to think you trust us better than that. You know we won't judge you for whatever your 'guy problem' is. Tell us, did one of those mares last night get a little too forward with you?"

"No!" you exclaimed. "It's nothing like that."

Lyra put a comforting hoof on your knee. "Whatever it is, we're sure it's nothing we can't help you with. It's not like you found some private pictures of your friends and touched yourself while looking at them..."

With that, you flung yourself off the couch, knocking the two ponies off of it in your mad scramble, and ran to your room, slamming the door behind you.

...

You don't know how much time had passed. Since the encounter in the living room you had done nothing but sulk in your room, staring at the stack of wretched photographs, feeling absolutely sick. Just like that, you had ruined the best friendships you had in the magical horse world, perhaps your whole life. All because you were a disgusting pervert who had crossed a severe boundary.

A gentle knock came from the door. "Anon..." you heard Bon Bon's voice call from the other side. "We promise we're not mad. Just let us in so we can talk."

You stuff the damn pictures under your mattress, before walking over to the door. You open it a crack, just wide enough to see the reassuring smiles of the two ponies who mean the most to you in the world. Seeing their faces made you feel like such a piece of shit.

"Hey, buddy," Lyra said, softly. "You wanna talk about earlier? You kind of freaked out when I mentioned... that..."

You opened the door wider, allowing them access to your personal space. The two of them took a seat on your bed, Bon Bon patting the space between them, inviting you to join them. You obliged, sighing as you sat down. A pair of hooves calmly caressed your back, putting you at ease.

"I, uh," you began, thinking of a way to phrase this without sounding like a total asshole. "Found a stack of pictures among the housewarming gifts you gave me."

"What were they of?" Bon Bon asked, looking up at you.

You gulped. "You two. Doing... stuff..."

"You're gonna have to be a bit more specific, Anon," Lyra said. "There's pictures of us doing lots of stuff. Going to the beach, opening Hearth's Warming gifts, feeding birds at the park, we take a lot of pictures."

"You two were... doing things that I had no business seeing."

"Oh," Bon Bon said. Neither of the hooves on your back retreated. The calming careesses continued. There was hope you could salvage your friendship and continue living with your two best friends in Equestria. "So, what did you think of them?"

"What?" You asked, dumbfounded.

"The pictures," Lyra said, picking up where Bonnie had left off. "Did you like them? Were they hot? Is Bon Bon overthinking just how big her delicious, candy butt is?"

"Uh," you started to sweat. How should you answer this? Admit to being a pervert? Tell them how you beat your dick so goddamn hard your left leg went completely numb? Lie? "Yeah, they were hot," you said, deciding on the truth.

"That's good to hear," Bon Bon said. She removed her hoof from your back, Lyra following her example. "We had hoped you would like them."

"What?" you asked again.

"Do we have to spell it out for you?" Lyra asked. The two little ponies' demeanors changed completely. They had now turned almost predatory, gazing up at you with half-lidded eyes. Bon Bon's hoof had moved to your inner thigh, brushing dangerously close to your crotch, while her marefriend gently pushed you backwards. The mint unicorn climbed on top of you, sliding up to be eye level with you, while the cream earth pony laid down across your lap. "We think you're super cute. But, also super, super sexy, at the same time," she punctuated with a nibble on your ear.

Meanwhile, Bon Bon had gone straight for the prize. She was now gently rubbing your hardening member through your pants with her muzzle. "We slipped the pictures in with an old magazine that Lyra should have thrown out years ago, hoping you'd take a peak," she said, inching closer to your zipper.

"But, what about the thing you organized with all of the single mares this side of Equestria?" you asked, your thoughts growing increasingly erratic and erotic.

"It wouldn't have been fair to just take you all for ourselves without letting the other fillies have a shot at you," Lyra replied, planting a light peck on your cheek.

"Besides," Bon Bon continued, teasingly sliding her hooves up your chest and away from the hardening bulge in your pants, rising back up to your face. "We figured after a kind of stressful night with a bunch of crazy mares, you'd need to relieve some stress."

"The question now is," Lyra said, seductively. "Do you want this?"

"Or not?" Bonnie finished.

Fuck it. You threw your arms around the two ponies, drawing Lyra in for a kiss, before pulling away and giving one to Bon Bon. The two of them lunged forward in unison, your tongues engaging in a threeway wrestling match to take control of your mouth. The slippery appendages forced their way into your throat, as the two mares they belonged to pinned you down, establishing their dominance.

Bonnie was the first to pull away, sliding back down your body, gently nipping at you through your shirt along the way. Reaching the hem of the garment, she quickly yanked it off, exposing your chest. She made her way back up, retracing her path, kissing the small indentations her teeth had made.

Lyra, meanwhile, was taking a more aggressive approach. Using her magic to grasp your hand, she forced your fingers to grasp her horn. Taking the hint, you began to pump your hand up and down the spiraled appendage, similar to how you would pleasure your own cock. She grunted and groaned as you stimulated her horn, while it grew steadily warmer to your touch.

Bon Bon had returned to your crotch, nuzzling the prize held within your pants, inhaling the scent through the fabric. With precise, careful movements, she used her teeth to undo the button, followed closely by the zipper. Using her hooves to grasp your pants, she sharply forced them down, freeing your intensely warm member to the cold air. Moving one hoof back into position, she gently rubbed your dick into your stomach, watching your face contort in pleasure, while your hand pumping along her girlfriend's horn grew less rhythmic.

Suddenly, the hoof stimulating your throbbing hard penis sharply pulled away, moving instead to the hand stroking the unicorn's horn. She pulled it away from the bony appendage, before leaning in close to your ear. "Suck it," she whispered. You stared at her. Then to Lyra's horn. Then back to Bon Bon. The cream colored candy mare shot you a look that this was non-negotiable. She grasped your trousers, slowly inching them back up your thighs. Without hesitation, you leaned forward and began to lick the green horn. "That's a good little human," Bon Bon purred, pecking you on the cheek, before moving back down between your legs.

The taste of Lyra's horn wasn't anything like how you had expected. Instead of a bland bone, the magical conduit had a sort of sweetness to it, like some kind of nameless candy. The unicorn was panting, heavily, now. "Fuck..." she groaned, eyes clenched shut, her face contorted in agonizing pleasure. "I-I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last."

"She never lasts long during hornplay," Bon Bon said kissing your meat.

"Sh-shut up, Bonnie!" Lyra whined. "I can't help it if I have an extra sensitive horn!"

"I never said there was anything wrong with it. In fact, I think it's cute," her girlfriend replied, giving you a nice long lick from your balls all the way to your tip. "Please, make my baby cum," she continued, turning her attention to you. "Give her an amazing horngasm, Anon, and swallow it like a dirty slut."

You redoubled your efforts in blowing the unicorn's sensitive appendage, partly because you loved the dirty talk and wanted to please your gentle mistress, and partly to avoid laughing at how ridiculous "horngasm" sounded. You made sure to rub your tongue along the swirl of the horn, letting the tip barely graze the back of your throat, occasionally gagging and letting your saliva drip down into Lyra's mane. You ran your hand along her face, affectionately encouraging her to not hold back.

Your other hand, meanwhile, crept lower, coaxing your partner's legs to spread just a little bit wider. Your fingers gently brushed against the soft fur of her tummy, drawing out a soft coo of arousal, before going lower and meeting with a slick, wet patch. You ran your fingers down the moist cleft of pony pussy, causing Lyra to moan just a bit louder, before inserting two fingers inside the green unicorn. You began to thrust your finger in and out of Lyra's cooch in time with your head movements along her horn, occasionally rubbing your thumb against her exposed clit, turning the unicorn in a trembling, wet, panting mess.

"I'm cumming!" the mint unicorn announced. Her pussy tightened around your fingers, softly squirting a small amount of fluid onto your hand and sheets as you continued to piston in and out of her tight cunt. Her horn grew significantly warmer as it pulsed, releasing a thin goo. The taste wasn't unpleasant. In fact, it was quite delicious. You eagerly swallowed it, not ceasing your head bobbing, trying to milk the magical bone for all it was worth, earning your tasty reward. As her orgasm died down, you pulled away, a gush of marecum escaping from her twitching snatch, and nothing but a strand of spit connecting your lips to her horn, while the sensitive appendage drooled once last rope of sparkling, blue ejaculate, which Bon Bon eagerly swooped in to suckle from the tip.

"So, how's it taste?" Bon Bon asked, licking up and down Lyra's horn one last time. Once her girlfriend's magical cum had been completely consumed, she bent down to give the mare a quick kiss, before returning her hoof to your shaft and stroking it.

"Amazing!" you said, swallowing the unicorn's load. "The taste is familiar, but I'm not so sure what..."

"Rum and cherry cola," the cream colored mare replied. "At least, that's what I've always thought it tasted like."

"Exactly," you said as you laid back, enjoying her hoofjob.

Lyra roused herself from her post-orgasmic bliss. "You... you did good," she slurred, her mind recovering from the intoxication of dopamine. She crawled closer to where Bon Bon was currently jerking you off, extending her own hoof to help. The two mares worked in tandem, Bon Bon stroking the shaft, while Lyra cradled the balls.

Bon Bon was the first to take the next step and took the head of your penis into her mouth. She slowly twirled her tongue around your glans, enjoying the smooth texture of it. She moved down a little further, taking an inch of it, then back up, then another inch, repeating the pattern until the entire length was being pumped in and out of her mouth. She took the entire thing into her throat one last time, gagging slightly, and giving you a sultry wink, before removing your spit-coated cock from her maw, and offering it to Lyra.

Lyra did not hesitate to attempt to take your whole length in a single gulp. Unfortunately, she over-estimated her own skills, quickly retreating in a coughing, spluttering fit. "Don't try to be a showoff, dear," Bon Bon said, rubbing a hoof through the unicorn's mane. She pushed Lyra's head back down, coaxing her to try again. This time, she had more sense, and resisted her marefriend's guidance, stopping right at the point where she gagged. She coughed a few times around your cock, a few tears rolling down her cheeks, but not removing the dick from her throat, letting her esophagus adjust to your meat.

Bon Bon eased up on forcing her special somepony's head down, allowing Lyra to pull back a little. But, the respite lasted only for a moment, as Bon Bon pushed Lyra back down, taking slightly more cock into her throat. They quickly established their roles: Bon Bon being gently dominant, while Lyra was happily submissive. You, meanwhile, got to lay back and enjoy the throatfuck.

Before long, the familiar tingle started to spread through your body. "F-fuck!" you gasped. Bon Bon increased the pace in which she forced Lyra to fellate you, the the mint mare gagging in a steady rhythm with her blowjob. The earth pony leaned down and whispered something in her girlfriend's ear, eliciting a nod in response, never ceasing her oral attention.

You gasp one last time, as Bon Bon allowed Lyra to pull your erection from her throat, but leaving the head in her mouth. Lyra used her magic to rub along the length of your cock, while Bon Bon fondled the balls, trying to milk you for all of the seed you had. With a grunt, you shoot your first rope of cum into the unicorn's mouth. She looked up at you, pumping her magic harder along your member, coercing more jizz to release. Her eyes shined with excitement as you blasted another shot onto her tongue, followed by another, and another.

"That's a good girl," Bon Bon cooed, stroking Lyra's mane. "Don't spill a drop of that sweet, salty cream. Catch it all for me, sweetie."

With a slightly effeminate moan, your body relaxed, coming down from the waves of bliss. Carefully, Lyra removed her lips from your softening penis, trying not to spill her prize. She looked up at you, before opening her mouth in a big, wide smile, showing off just how much you had blown. She used her tongue to swish the pearlescent slime around in her mouth, before turning to Bon Bon.

"Oh my," Bon Bon exclaimed, examining the content's of the unicorn's mouth. "That certainly is a lot," she continued, affectionately stroking the side of Lyra's face. Without hesitation, she pulled the other mare in for an intense kiss. She pulled back, hovering over Lyra, before slightly opening her mouth to let your cum (or, was it technically theirs, now?) ooze back into the unicorn's mouth, who then repeated the lewd display. Drawing together for one last kiss, they turned to you, showing off that they both had a mouthful of baby batter. In unison, they closed their mouths and swallowed loudly, before sticking out their tongues, showing that they had finished off every last drop, like good little fillies.

"Wow..." you said, impressed with the lewd display you had just witnessed.

Bon Bon giggled. "You're not the only one impressed," she said, reaching over and running her hoof along your throbbing erection. "It looks like somebody's ready to go for another round. You up for it, big guy?"

Without saying a word, you scooped up the cream colored mare and tossed her down on top of the bed, lying on her back. You then picked up Lyra and deposited her on top of Bon Bon, this time lying on her stomach, face to face.

"Oh, I like where this is going," Lyra said, giving Bonnie a quick kiss on the cheek. The two ponies grinded against each other, giving you a nice show to make sure you were prepared to please to girls. "So, who's first?"

"I dunno," you said, lining your prick up with the two pussies nestled together. "I was just thinking," you continued, pressing it in between them, rubbing against both of their clits, causing both mares to moan. "That I would just go for it and see where it goes." You pulled back, before slamming into Lyra's dripping cunt, the unicorn screaming in ecstasy. You pulled back out, before sliding into Bon Bon's, who bit her lip, trying to be just a little bit quieter than her girlfriend. You thrust into her a few times, before switching sloppy, pony pussies, again.

The two mares scissored each other as you took turns pounding their tight snatches, sometimes sliding between the two of them, your meat being the filling of a wet, pussy sandwich. Lyra and Bon Bon ravenously made out as you fucked them both, their moans and gasps adding to the symphony of sex.

You felt your balls pulling up, signalling that your release was imminent. "I'm gonna cum, soon, girls," you panted, not ceasing your efforts.

"Yes!" the two ponies exclaimed, thrusting back into you.

"Where are you gonna cum, Anon?" Lyra purred, mischievously.

"You gonna cum inside your favorite?" Bon Bon asked "Make the other one slurp your load out of my delicious honeypot?"

"Oh, please," Lyra laughed, dismissively. "We both know you're gonna be one eating his creampie outta me. Isn't that right, Anon?"

With a growl, you pulled Lyra off of Bon Bon onto her back, laying the two of the side by side as you jerked your dick to release. With a groan, you shot your first load right onto Bon Bon's face, catching both mares off guard. You aimed your second at Lyra, who had the foresight to open her mouth just in time to catch some of it in her mouth. You alternated between them with each shot, before the last of your cum dribbled out onto the sheets.

"You're both my favorite," you said, pulling each filly in for a kiss.

Epilogue

BONUS: Speed Dating Extended Edition

Granny Smith hobbled over to your table on her walker. You silently prayed to whatever higher power may have been listening that she was just coming over for a friendly chat.

"Well, hello there, handsome," she said, flirtatiously smiling. Whatever higher power had been listening to you is a fucking dick.

"Hey, Granny Smith," you replied awkwardly. You sent out one last prayer to that dickhead deity that Granny was just being overly friendly. "What brings you out, tonight?"

"Well, I heard you were puttin' yerself on the market," she said, closing the distance between you, every single joint in her withered, old body creaking louder than every rusty door hinge in every universe. "And I figured I would be remiss if I didn't try fer a shot at ya."

"You don't think I'm a bit too young for you?"

"Oh, pish posh," Granny replied, waving a hoof, dismissively. "I've never had an issue with May-December relationships. Shoot, just ask Thunderlane and that strange Doctor feller about me, and they'll tell you many great tales about our nights o' passion. They've even told quite a few o' their friends about me, and they've come to sample some o' my pie, to see if it's just as good as they were told."

Granny Smith, Ponyville's favorite grandmother, whom you had spent many afternoons in her company, drinking lemonade and eating some of the best chocolate chip cookies you had ever tasted, was a very popular and active GILF. You really didn't know what to think about this. You briefly pondered what it would feel like if she took those dentures out and went to town. The thought made you shiver, but you didn't know if it was from revulsion or excitement.

"I-I'll consider it," you stammered, trying to politely end this conversation.

Granny Smith smiled, rising from the table. "Don't take too long, now," she said, turning towards the door. "I got me quite the waiting list of kind gentlecolts lookin' to spend some time with me, but you get front o' the line privileges whenever you want.

"G-good to know," you said, waving good-bye to the sexually active senior.

You could never look at Thunderlane or Doctor Whooves the same way, again, and you didn't know how many other stallions shared that distinction.

...

"I, uh, didn't know there were any other draconequuses, besides Discord," you said, staring incredulously at the female Spirit of Chaos seated across from you. You had to admit, there was something quite appealing about the way she looked, like a sexy, mismatched snake.

"Oh, please," said an all too familiar male voice. "Did you think he just appeared out of nowhere? He had to have been born from some lovely mother."

"Discord," you growled. "I know that's you."

"Discord?" the draconequus feigned innocence. "What are you talking about? My name is Eris, and I'm clearly a very sexy woman."

"Discord," you repeated, growing slightly angry. "I might have fallen for this, if you had bothered to change your voice."

"Oh, fine," the Spirit of Chaos sighed, crossing his (her?) arms in defeat. "If the voice is a problem, I can change it."

"Go," you said, pinching the bridge of your nose. "Just go." A snap and a poof later, and the seat across from you was empty. You turned to Lyra. "I thought I told you to tell all the guys to go home."

"Well, I did," Lyra replied, defensively. "But when I said that, he just poofed himself into a girl's body, so i figured it would be okay."

"God dammit, Lyra..." you muttered.

...

Rarity's mom, Cookie Crumbles sat across from you, smiling.

"Uh, aren't you married?" you asked, apprehensively.

"Oh, don't you worry about that," the MILF replied, one of her hind legs slowly making its way up your calf. "My husband and I are in a- oh, how do you say it? Open relationship. He gets to sleep with whatever mares he likes and I get to do the same with stallions," she said, her hoof now making its way dangerously close to your crotch. "So, I heard you had one of my magazines?" she whispered, moving close enough to you that her lips nearly touched your own.

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!" you shouted, blushing, and quickly dashing to the nearest restroom.

...

"I mutht thay," Twist said, sitting down at your table. "I find the prothpect of dating an older thtallion quite ekthiting."

"No," you said, bluntly. "Just no."

Tears began to form in the young filly's eyes, before she took off at a gallop, loudly crying.

Great, now you felt like a complete asshole for making a child cry.

...

For the love of God, please, shut the hell up, you thought for what felt like the twentieth time in five minutes. Trixie had joined you at your table and immediately started droning on about how she was clearly the most perfect mare in all of Equestria, so you should obviously date her. Honestly, the only reason you hadn't told her to go away was because you didn't think she was even listening.

You looked over at Lyra and Bon Bon, silently pleading for help. "I'm going to go get Starlight," Bon Bon said, understanding exactly what you were trying to convey.

"Thank you," you mouthed to her, while Trixie continued to ramble about her expectations of you in the bedroom.

...

"So, uh," you began, unsure of whether or not what you were about to ask was rude. "Are you a mare or a stallion?"

The changeling across from you looked back at you through half-lidded eyes, a small smirk etched across its face. "Baby, I can be whatever you want."

For the first time tonight, one of your dates wasn't a hard "no" and was a definite "maybe".

...

Luna was back, this time visibly drunk, with half a bottle of rum clenched so tightly in her magic that cracks were beginning to form in the bottle's neck. Her sister, Princess Celestia, was also present, comfortingly holding her distraught baby sister and stroking her mane, while intensely glaring at you.

"B'why?!" Luna slurred and sobbed, chugging down three more gulps of liquor, as she continued to add to the sizeable puddle of tears on the table. "Minawgudinuff?"

"I-I'm sorry..." you stammered, trying to figure out what Luna was trying to tell you.

Celestia continued to glare at you. "I should send you to the moon for what you have done to my sister."

Author's Note

Randomly thought of Granny Smith being a total silver fox and thought it would be funny to include it in the speed dating segment. That quickly spiraled out into this. May do more, if inspiration strikes.

Chapter 4

Epilogue

You walked into Tree Hugger's office for your weekly appointment, Lyra and Bon following in close behind you.

Tree Hugger looked up from the notes she had been going over from your previous sessions. Her eyes widened a bit at seeing you had brought guests along with you for what was normally supposed to be a one-on-one session. "You didn't tell me you would be bringing friends to this session, Anon," she said, setting aside her pen and notepad.

"Marefriends, actually," you corrected.

"Both of them?" she asked.

"Yes," Lyra and Bon Bon answered, in unison.

"Niiiiiiiiiiiiice."